well, if you hate your DM this is why... (fig it was worth a repost...)

[baalbamoth]

30 Habits of Highly Unsuccessful DMs

1) Isn’t prepared
2) Can’t wing it.
3) Can’t sell it.
4) Cant act it.
5) Cant make it.
6) No Girls Allowed.
7) Table Management Fail.
8) Cant Cope
9) Cant Say No.
10) Loves the Meta-Game
11) You Want A War…
12) Where the Choo Choo Go?
13) Cannot bend Like a Reed in the Wind…
14) One Skill to Rule Them All
15) Cant You Smell That Smell…
16) Who is Your Daddy...?
17) Your Soaking In It.
18) Cant Hack It.
19) Daddy YUP! YUP!
20) Captain Homebrew!
21) I WANT TO ROCK!
22) Lawful Anal/Chaotic Stupid
23) Die! Die! Die!
24) The Never Ending Story
25) DM’s Cant Cheat.
26) All Players Cheat.
27) You No Can Haz it!
28) Cheetoist
29) 20-4 meh.
30) Obsessive much?

1) Isn’t Prepared- the adventure is always left at home, or the encounter notes, or something that he desperately needs isn’t available which results in ending the game early or skipping encounters, etc.

2) Can’t wing it- he needs to have absolutely everything written down, and will spend three out of every eight minutes (yes I actually timed a DM like this once) looking up a rule or reading an entry absolutely killing any role playing, suspense, or action built up in-game. Also typically means if the dialog isn’t written down, he cant RP for the antagonists. About the only thing worse than the cant wing it DM is the DM who thinks he can and cant… see no. 18

3) Can’t Sell It-In professional wrestling “selling it” is convincing the audience the punches are real, in D&D it’s describing the scene or the action, in a way with a touch of emotion to really let the players feel like they are in-the moment with their characters. A DM who cant do this lacks an essential skill.

4) Can’t Act- Just has little or no ability to RP, every NPC sounds the same, uses the same speech patterns, uses a lot of modern slang, and the DM will often say something like “well he’s using a British accent but I cant pull it off” or “he sounds short” then speaks in a deep bass tone. Its typical that these DMs also have trait #1 and has to refer to notes or the AP to remember what the NPC needs to say.

5) Cant make it- If the game starts at 6 he doesn’t show till 7:00 if the players start showing up at 7:00 he starts showing up at 8:00, if he cancels a game night, he waits until everyone has changed their plans and is sitting at the table before sending the notice.

6) No Girls Allowed. Happens more than ya’d think, DM cant stop himself from using rude, profane or dirty language/conversations, encourages others to do the same, or simply cant RP with a girl without blushing or quickly changing players. Some DM’s have the same problem with GLBT players (I admit I have a problem with the T, and yah it actually came up once.)

7) Table Management Fail- Just generally cant control player demands, some players get all the spotlight, others get none, slow players never get the nudge, side conversations are loud and endless, game is constantly interrupted by cell phones or other distractions. Often leads to the next habit.

8) Cant Cope- either carpet bags all his anger till it explodes with yelling, cussing and/or throwing dice, or he gets extremely quiet and just reads books or shuts off when the game gets to be too much to manage, when called on this passive aggressive behavior claims its all the player’s fault.

9) Cant Say No- A-typical Monty Hall behavior, dm kinda sucks to begin with then hands out a lot of overpowering magic items, giving incredible amounts of XP, allowing access to feats or advanced class abilities the character cant qualify for to win back the favor of the players. This is often combined with…

10) Loves the Meta Game- yup wash his car get a +5 sword, Give him Pizza get a magic item tailored just for your character, bring an attractive girl to the table and watch her become the favored character of the week, plays favorites, holds grudges and generally cant take criticism without repercussions… often leads to…

11) You Want a War- I’ll give you a war… DM sees the game as a contest between the DM and the Players, and generally the players always loose until he feels guilty and goes all Monty/meta. In his game you’ll have flashbacks of Cartman saying “Respect ma Athorita!”

12) Where the Choo Choo Go? It go wherever the hell the DM wants it to that’s where… Your on the railroad and you cant get off. This DM cant freestyle anything, any attempt to do anything not covered by an AP leads to NPC’s forcing you back into covered territory, loss of everything your character values, world destroying cataclysm, etc. etc, in short if your in his game, neither you nor your characters have free will.

13) Cannot bend Like a Reed in the Wind… you cant solve the puzzle, oh well better spend two sessions going back to town, raiding a library, and getting back again, cant beat the unbeatable BBEG’s init? oh well guess you all die, make new characters. This DM gives you no hints, clues, help, or allowances if you cant tackle some aspect of his game. A little of this can be respected too much and your time is better spent on xbox.

14) One Skill to Rule Them All- DM has a way he likes characters to handle a problem… ONE WAY!, Either the diplomancer is god or everything is a nail to the fighter’s warhammer. DM rarely offers different ways to succeed at an encounter… this is often caboose of the Choo Choo.

15) Cant You Smell that Smell- Ya show up to the game at his place and he hasn’t washed, brushed, shaved, or put on a shirt. The house is filthy, covered in fast food wrappers, maybe the detritus of 100 other gaming sessions, the garbage was last taken out with the previous tenant… and oh.. A hardcore/thrash heavy metal drummer would envy the stink coming off him… Lets be honest, the hobby attracts a lot of anti-social anti-mainstream society types and while I applaud this occasionally there’s always that one guy (player or DM) who just cant take care of basic hygiene needs.

16) Who is Your Daddy… and what does he do… well apparently he’s the DM. This DM is better than you, he’s right, always. He voted for the right candidate in the last election, worships the right god (gods/goddess or is a devout atheist) he cheers for the right sports franchise, and if you disagree with any of his true convictions, you’ll reap the whirlwind buddy, blue bolt, save or die, or just steals your chips and never ever apologizes and will often…

17) Your Soaking in It- “IT” being the preternatural glow of absolute perfection that the DMPC the DM shoved into your party seems to radiate whenever he passes gas. This DM really wants to be a player in a game with a DM as cool as him, one that knows why this absolutely bad ass guy he created needs and deserves to get all the best weapons rewards, xp etc. You can be sure 99% of the time, your adventures will likely be following this NPC around as he buys cities, fights gods etc. Face it if your in this game, your character is just one of the supporting cast to his ultimately cool main character. Probably the best thing you can do is find another game, failing that having your character become Gilligan to his Skipper and learn to endlessly repeat variant phrases of “that guy is SOOOO awesome!”

18) Cant Hack It- Just no system mastery, never knows the rules to the game he’s running, is easily played by a metagaming player, makes quick brash rulings that if you argue about just leads to bigger problems (ala no. 11) has a tendency to DM fiat and is even sometimes correct. Lots of times this is a secondary habit to no. 9, and this DM will occasionally have a lil buddy (husband, wife, friend etc) that has to be around to rules lawyer for him.

19) Daddy YUP! YUP!- when you arrive at this DM’s house you’ll quickly suspect he has a wholesale accounts with Playschool, Pet Depot, and the local goodwill. At this game the game is secondary to the responsibilities of the parent, the kids aren’t in school and the spouse is taking off. Every five minutes one of the droolers is at his knee arms lifted saying “Daddy YUP! YUP!” and demanding to be held, roll the dice, knock your expertly painted tailored minis of the table or better yet finding that the old led orc is missing an arm and it turns into a game of CLUE as to who ate it and needs to go to the ER etc,etc. meanwhile the 4yr old is chasing the screaming 3 yr old, and the three dogs and two cats are fighting over a milk bottle spilled on the couch that the DM just needs “a few minutes” to deal with. If you’re at this game, you’re now a walk on cast member of this guy’s own personal sit com, bout the best thing you can expect is that in-between “incidents” you might get to game a little bit, and there will probably be a barbeque and beer… BYOM! (no tofu allowed!)

20) Here I come to save the day!- This system sucks and Captain homebrew is on his way. Captain Homebrew really wishes he was a game designer rather than just a DM. Before you ever get to the game this guy has sent you gigs of his tweaker manifesto aka homebrew world/rules, and tells you that’s just a smidgeon of what you should read before your first session. He hates the magic system so he made his own, hated the standard ways of rolling characters so he’s got a stat/feat/class ability point buy system, hated the skills and combat system so he’s changed it to the resolution system of some game no one’s ever heard of complete with chips to spend, dice pools, and homemade combat cards. The bad news is if your playing in his game your really not playing the game he advertised as xyz edition with “some” homebrew rules, and you’ve got no idea what to expect. The good news is if you jump on board the crazytown express and agree with his mad ramblings and rants he’ll likely give you a character that has been min/maxed according to his twisted system that will absolutely pwon anything else at the table… (except for his NPC… no.17)

21) I WANT TO ROCK! This Dm requires the right music to set the stage for the game… get ready, its either going to be some Danish unholy black deathmetal bands, or darkwave trance. You’ll be lucky if his speakers only go to 11.

22) Lawful Anal/Chaotic Stupid- you don’t know how to play your character but this DM is gonna teach you. This DM generally demands that the game be serious to the extreme, has little sense of humor, and he has his own very ridged ideas on how races, alignments, background traits etc. MUST be played and failure to play to his sense of right and wrong will lead to the spinning of the great Gigaxian Wheel of Repercussions. Nobodies a winner, bring on the blue bolts and xp loss.

23) DIE! DIE! DIE! no he doesn’t use too many dice… he just wants your PCs to die. His game is lethal in the extreme. More like a game of Paranoia than a game of whatever it was you wanted to play, where if your character lived longer than half a session you should consider yourself lucky.

24) The Never Ending Story- This DM is the exact opposite of no.23, nothing in this game will likely ever kill you and all combat is usually avoided. The DM loves sticking japananime type plots into the game, choc full of mysteries you’ll never solve, twilightesque romanticized NPCs and of course non-stop conflict free story telling. And whatever you do… don’t ask them about their art, poetry, or spiritual views…

25) DM’s Cant Cheat- If ya get the feeling rolling a 1 is not much different than rolling a 20 on any knowledge or influence roll this is probably your DM. Secretly he may claim the rules tell him to roll behind his indestructible DM screen and to fudge the die rolls if it will help the game, but more often than not the truth is more likely that no die roll matters in the least as this guy wants to get to the end of his movie, and is often accompanied by the rationalization that…

26) All Players Cheat- This DM is of the opinion that all players are secretly min/maxing munchkin jerks plotting against him to ruin the game. He may require that all players use a dice tower or he spends as much time as necessary to triple check all figures on any check, stat, roll, etc.

27) You No Can Haz it!- this is the opposite of no.9, you spend three sessions and two party members die to eventually kill a BBEG or mega boss dragon and find the mountainous pile of treasure is made of coppers painted gold and the ancient magic sword is really an illusion or horribly cursed. This Dm tries to give you as little as possible and rewards no successes (possibly due to a strong belief in no. 26), often when you think he may have given you something worthwhile he will complain that it has overpowered you and soon something must come to steal it back or weaken you in some way in the great name of game/PC balance.

28) Cheetoist- the DM is the opposite of no 22, he is a fun first game second DM, he is there to have fun and eat cheetos and if the seriousness of a game interferes with having fun or eating cheetos, something needs to change. This DM has tremendous difficulty addressing any adult or serious topics in the game, the characters and NPCs are typically over the top overdrawn stereotypes, and no effort is made to separate in-game or out of game dialog… unless its funny to do so. Bottom line, this is a goofgame, any desire for in-game seriousness will be punished with out-of-game public humiliation, so don’t try, eat a cheeto and do something stupid that everyone can laugh at and when it gets old (and it will) find a more serious game… or just buy more cheetos.

29) 20-4 Meh. Just a substandard DM in which every game he runs has 20 minutes of fun spread out into 4hrs of gaming. May have elements of all or none of these habits. Either way every week will be a pure meh experience and leave you wondering if there isn’t a better way you could be spending your free time and gas money maybe for years, actually I think this is the worst kind of DM to have.

30) Obsessive Much?- this DM has little or no life, probably spends every waking moment thinking about his game, characters, a new system coming out etc. He’s dangerous in that he has deep seeded largely idealistic views about what a game should or should not contain and what actions any type of player/dm should and should not do. A true onetruewayist. Just expect endless b#@@!ing and criticism. And oh yeah… he probably wrote a list just like this one once upon a time… ;-)

[Slaunyeh]

Man, those DMs sure suck. That's it, I'm not inviting the DM to the next game.

[Feros]

Yeah, the game would be a lot better if we didn't have to deal with a DM! They suck! ;)

[Orthos]

I'm glad we have GMs now instead =)

[Josh M.]

Cute list, but #19... Sounds like the DM has too much going on at home. Parenting comes first. But really, if you think for one second, that your playtime is more important than the DM's children, go find another game.

True, the DM shouldn't be running a game if there is that much commotion going on in the household, but to think for one second that the kids need to wait while you get your game on, is preposterous.

I've been that DM. I've canceled games, moved games to other locations, etc, because the kids were a handful. But, all of my players understood what they were getting into when they signed up. If anybody stepped into my house and expected preferential treatment over my own children, they would be asked to leave.

Sorry. As a parent, that post just came off really snotty to me.

[knightnday]

Josh M. wrote:

Cute list, but #19... Sounds like the DM has too much going on at home. Parenting comes first. But really, if you think for one second, that your playtime is more important than the DM's children, go find another game.

True, the DM shouldn't be running a game if there is that much commotion going on in the household, but to think for one second that the kids need to wait while you get your game on, is preposterous.

I've been that DM. I've canceled games, moved games to other locations, etc, because the kids were a handful. But, all of my players understood what they were getting into when they signed up. If anybody stepped into my house and expected preferential treatment over my own children, they would be asked to leave.

Sorry. As a parent, that post just came off really snotty to me.

I agree. Happily two of my children are old enough to game now or at least manage the third child, so that works in my favor. And my wife plays in our game, so she and I can trade off managing problems should they arise.

Heck, I've had more problems with people's animals than I have with children (cats on everything, dogs being disruptive, animals eating things, my GOD what are they barking at, etc)

[Matt Thomason]

Josh M. wrote:

Cute list, but #19... Sounds like the DM has too much going on at home. Parenting comes first. But really, if you think for one second, that your playtime is more important than the DM's children, go find another game.

True, the DM shouldn't be running a game if there is that much commotion going on in the household, but to think for one second that the kids need to wait while you get your game on, is preposterous.

I've been that DM. I've canceled games, moved games to other locations, etc, because the kids were a handful. But, all of my players understood what they were getting into when they signed up. If anybody stepped into my house and expected preferential treatment over my own children, they would be asked to leave.

Sorry. As a parent, that post just came off really snotty to me.

This is a pretty good point for not only #19 but a few of the others too - if you know about the GM's issues but joined the game anyway, you can't really blame them for it if you knew what you were letting yourself in for.

[Josh M.]

Matt Thomason wrote:

This is a pretty good point for not only #19 but a few of the others too - if you know about the GM's issues but joined the game anyway, you can't really blame them for it if you knew what you were letting yourself in for.

Exactly. I can see a point if the OP had not played a game with this person before, but every game experience is different. If you join a game and don't like the distractions, or DM's behavior, you can always leave. Sometimes, the game is worth putting up with the distractions.

[Redneckdevil]

As a parent of 4, I will agree that kids come first...but there's an extent. I dm and let my players know that I have kids, which a lot of my players do. BuT when its game time, the kids are to go to their rooms and do homework/play with their toys/run around in their rooms/etc etc. Granted my games only last bout 3 to 4 hours due to everybodys schedules.
I think number 19 was the parents who DONT handle their kids. Theres nothing wrong with stopping the game every so often to fix a drink or to make a snack or to answer a question or tell them that u love them or etc etc. There is something wrong when the kids are going around playing in the very same room and handleing peoples stuff acting all crazy...AND the DM ignores it or does not go into parent mode and handle the kids.

Gah its hard to explain but as a parent of 4 I do know what dm number 19 is because I have seen number 19. They are the ones ur wondering when is this person gonna grab their kid and whup the day lights outa them and why is the dm not standing up as a parent and regulating. Gah there's time when a dm who has kids does need to stop the game and there's times when the dm needs to say , not now/be quite/go play with ur toys or watch a movie in ur room/quit acting like a crazy person/u know u ain't supposed to screaming/running aroumd in here/etc etc.

I will say I might be number 30 because as a parent kf 4 kids I do think and plan about my game a lot because its usually the only social time I get in the week outside of work.

Disclaimer-I am also using examples of kids who are older than toddlers. Toddlers and younger, by all means be prepared that the dm is gonna put the kids first before the game and stopping everytime they cry or need a diaper changed or a bottle made, etc etc. I'm talking about older than toddlers.

[Hama]

That is why we chip in for our player with kids an pay for the babysitter every time we game. I am generally not a fan of kids who are not mine (I don't have any yet), and i cannot stand their caterwauling. So i have a no kids at the game policy. But we pay for the sitter.
Of course, if we play at the kids' father's house, there is nothing i will say, plus he makes sure to have his wife look after them during that time.

[stormraven]

That's a handy list because at least 75% of it - with small modifications - could also be on the "Habits of Highly Unsuccessful Players" list.

[Mythic Evil Lincoln]

The One Habit of Awesome GMs:

1) Being me.

[Kobold Catgirl]

baalbamoth wrote:

28) Cheetoist

A GM who doesn't want a serious story? Obviously playing the game wrong.

[Backfromthedeadguy]

Great list! I've seen elements of all these types. Many moons ago I was a little bit of #22, in that I tended to be unforgiving of what I perceived as mistakes on the players part. I felt that I gave the PCs all the tools and info to make informed decisions and when they didn't I would hammer them. I've gone up several GM levels since then and have learned many valuable lessons because of those games.

[Grey Lensman]

stormraven wrote:

That's a handy list because at least 75% of it - with small modifications - could also be on the "Habits of Highly Unsuccessful Players" list.

The personality/life issues that create a poor GM will also create a poor player.

[Megasmilax]

Are you practicing for a terrible Buzzfeed list?

[Ellis Mirari]

Kobold Cleaver wrote:

baalbamoth wrote:

28) Cheetoist

A GM who doesn't want a serious story? Obviously playing the game wrong.

What did Cheetos ever do to deserve being used as a term of derision?

[Immortal Greed]

This needs to be a d100 table.

[Immortal Greed]

These are quite funny and over the top, but the dislike of homebrew? Clearly never encountered brilliant homebrew rules (or made them).

[Bruunwald]

Meh. Having a hard time wading through the barrage of bad punctuation, misspellings and re-arranged acronyms.

[Scooter Libby]

~shuffles in, skims over list, shuffles out contemplating giving up DMing forever~

[Immortal Greed]

d100 Table

30 Habits of Highly Unsuccessful Dms

Your dm is not so good, roll a d100 and consult the chart.

1-3 Isn’t prepared
4-6 Can’t wing it.
7-9 Can’t sell it.
10-12 Cant act it.
13-15 Cant make it.
16-18 No Girls Allowed.
19-21 Table Management Fail.
22-25 Cant Cope
26-28 Cant Say No.
29-31 Loves the Meta-Game
32-35 You Want A War…
36-39 Where the Choo Choo Go?
40-43 Cannot bend Like a Reed in the Wind…
44-46 One Skill to Rule Them All
47-50 Cant You Smell That Smell…
51-54 Who is Your Daddy...?
55-58 Your Soaking In It.
59-61 Cant Hack It.
62-64 Daddy YUP! YUP!
65-67 Captain Homebrew!
68-70 I WANT TO ROCK!
71-73 Lawful Anal/Chaotic Stupid
74-76 Die! Die! Die!
77-79 The Never Ending Story
80-82 DM’s Cant Cheat.
83-85 All Players Cheat.
86-88 You No Can Haz it!
89-92 Cheetoist
93-96 20-4 meh.
97-100 Obsessive much?

[Adamantine Dragon]

Heh, I actually avoided reading this thread because I felt the title was all I needed to see. But I finally decided to read it and it wasn't too bad. :)

I would be lying if I didn't admit to cringing on a couple of these. But luckily my ego is massive enough that a bit of a cringe here and there doesn't make me want to stop GMing, it just makes me want to stay focused on always getting better.

While I agree that a few of these are unfair or overly harsh, for the most part I think this list should be required reading for every GM.

[Terquem]

O...M....G your DM is a, is a, *gulp* *shudder* person!

[baalbamoth]

Heh, yea I wrote every one of these as an extreme example, mostly for entertainment but also to get people talking.

I've put it up on a few websites now, always no.19 is the one most people have big problems with...

Now I really did have a few games like this, and I never will forget my friend's chair collapsing, him landing on the cat under his chair (there were like four cats and two or three small dogs around the gaming table) the wounded cat running under the bed, then mom, dad, the three crying kids, and five apologetic gamers all trying to coax the cat out to take it to the pet hospital. At the same time I've had a lot of games where one spouse took the kids to a movie or upstairs etc and kids weren't an issue at all.

I'll say I do prefer games where kids or pets aren't around to distract the game (I prefer as few outside distractions in the gaming environment as possible) but do agree with others that if you know what your in for before you show up, you've got no right to cry about it later.

Ellis-there is actually a jokey geek religion called "cheetoism" google it, serious yet pretty funny.

Grey & storm raven- true, but if I was making the player list it'd be a LOT longer, also I feel DMs/GMs because they are a position of authority/hold a higher responsibility for the success of a session, are a little more deserving of having stereotypical (over the top) common errors or problems pointed out so such things in the future can be avoided.

I know I've been guilty of many of these bad habits at one time or another, overcoming those weaknesses and remembering not to fall into the same trap again is another reason why I wrote this.

PS the d100, hilarious, "oh, your going to a new game from an advert on the wall of the local game store that's been up there for more than a year... Roll d100..."

[Grey Lensman]

To be fair, my bad experience with #19 wasn't the kid needing something during the game, it was the kid needing all the time of the game. There is a difference between parenting duties popping up during the session and parenting duties taking over the session. Although the times I have seen it happen it is normally a two-fold problem. First, the child can't handle not being the center of attention for very long, coupled with the non-gaming spouse refusing to be a parent during the session as a manner of 'forcing their significant other to grow up."

[Adamantine Dragon]

I took a long break from gaming when my kids were infants and toddlers. I felt that for that period of our lives it was important to put the kids before my own entertainment, and since my wife does not game, I didn't want to create any potential conflict in our marriage that would have a lasting impact on my ability to game. It was a conscious decision and one that I look back on now and feel like I was a bit over-zealous. I think I could have arranged for some gaming during those years, but it wasn't like I didn't have other things to do with my time. When I did get back into gaming my kids were old enough that it wasn't really an issue.

Now the biggest issue I have with gaming with grown children is getting my still living at home children to keep the gaming area clean.

[Sissyl]

31. He slashed your tires and killed your goldfish?

[Josh M.]

Adamantine Dragon wrote:

I took a long break from gaming when my kids were infants and toddlers. I felt that for that period of our lives it was important to put the kids before my own entertainment, and since my wife does not game, I didn't want to create any potential conflict in our marriage that would have a lasting impact on my ability to game. It was a conscious decision and one that I look back on now and feel like I was a bit over-zealous. I think I could have arranged for some gaming during those years, but it wasn't like I didn't have other things to do with my time. When I did get back into gaming my kids were old enough that it wasn't really an issue.

Now the biggest issue I have with gaming with grown children is getting my still living at home children to keep the gaming area clean.

My wife is very understanding of my hobbies, and takes care of the kids while I go game at a friend's house once per week. On game night, she takes the kids to visit her mother, so that she gets to spend quality time with both her mom and the kids, instead of just sitting at home. So now, she and the kids have their own weekly activity they look forward to, while I get a night to game.

In return, she knows that she is free to go out and do things that she wants to do, knowing that I am more than happy to watch the kids while she's gone. She doesn't go out very often, but when the chance arises, I strongly encourage her to do so.