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I am from Michigan, my wife's family is from Boston. Why on earth can those people not pronounce the R at the end of car but ADD one to wash (warsh my caaa) it hurts my ears to listen to them sometimesNow substitute "AXE" for "ASK" and you have New York City.
Also "It cost fie hunnet dollas".
What about. Heys yous shouldnts comes heres?
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I am from Michigan, my wife's family is from Boston. Why on earth can those people not pronounce the R at the end of car but ADD one to wash (warsh my caaa) it hurts my ears to listen to them sometimesNow substitute "AXE" for "ASK" and you have New York City.
Also "It cost fie hunnet dollas".
aks has always annoyed me but apparently it's not wrong.
A Russian man brags to his American friend about their trains being super accurate. So the American asks him to prove it.
They go to Moscow and decide to wait for the train from Vladivostok. Time for the train's arrival comes, and the train is nowhere to be seen. An hour passes. A day passes. The American turns to the Russian.
"You call this accurate trains"
The Russian responds
"Why did your people enslave Africans"
I don't get it.
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Stolen see joke 2
1:The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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2: When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
Two businessmen, one Japanese and the other American, are relaxing in a posh spa. At one point, a light appears on the Japanese man's hand, and it emits a tone. The Japanese man taps the light and begins speaking into his hand. After a few minutes he stops, and explains to the American, "I had a cell phone implanted under the skin in my hand, so I'm never out of touch."
A few minutes later, the American goes into the bathroom. When he comes out, the Japanese man says, "Excuse me, but you've got some toilet paper stuck to your foot."
The American replies, "Oh, hold on, I've got a fax coming in."
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A Texan and a Californian are walking on the beach, when they find a magic lamp. A genie appears and offers them each one wish.
The Texan speaks up first. "You know, I'm sick of all these city-slickers from the West moving in and acting like they're better than us, and of all the illegal immigrants coming up from the South and taking our jobs, and all the politicians in the East telling us what to do. My wish is to build a wall around Texas, and put me inside."
The genie shouts "Done!" and the Texan disappears. He turns to the Californian. "Now, what about your wish?"
"Before we get to that," the Californian says, "tell me more about this wall."
"Well," says the genie, "it's 50 feet tall, 10 feet thick, and made of solid concrete."
"Great," the Californian replies. "Now fill it with water."
What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks only one language? American.Heh. I was trying to think of that.
There's a good reason for this that our European friends just don't seem to get... America is huge. Freaking. Huge. I need to drive 8 hours just to hit a country where SOME people speak french and my state BORDERS Canada. Its not fair to think Americans don't travel because we don't leave the country, or that we're stupid for not learning extra languages because we have a lot less NEED to. if you live in switzerland you're spitting distance from needing to shop in 5 languages. In america not so much.
Lol sorry to dig up quotes from page 1 of the thread, but I would have laid money on an American being the first to complain that a joke about their country wasn't fair.
Back with a good self-deprecating Aussie joke shortly.
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This one's for you littlehewy:
Q: What did the Australian farmer's wife do when she saw her husband staggering around in the backyard?
A: Reload.
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Back at ya:
Q: What's the difference between Australians and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into Australians when they drink.
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Q: What's the difference between Australia and yoghurt?
A: Yoghurt started with at least a little culture.
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Q: What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: Most Aussie men will actually look for a golf ball.
Back at ya:
Q: What's the difference between Australians and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into Australians when they drink.
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Q: What's the difference between Australia and yoghurt?
A: Yoghurt started with at least a little culture.
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Q: What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: Most Aussie men will actually look for a golf ball.
Change that to men and pigs and we have a whole new thread.
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In Australia our women reserve the right to act just as abhorrently under the influence as our men do.
The things originated in Berlin. If we call them pancakes, they're called pancakes.Actually it's Krapfen.They are called pancakes. Don't ask me why, but everyone else does it wrong.Does that mean Berliners aren't Germans?Well, they are a German pastry ... do pastries joke?
<ducks from the incoming pie-to-the-face to prove pastries do, in fact, joke>
well, since the Berliner where not able to gibe them a name that will not be confused with other food items, we Hessians helped ou by giving them the most a curate and beautiful name:
Krebbel
Apparently, there was an American president who felt a lot like a pancake.
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And people tend to forget they helped out in the American Revolution. Of course the AR led to a much darker FR.Battles sure, but wars... well aside from the hundred year war...and maybe the thing with Napoleon invading Russia, but i can't think of another.Never understood why people thought french are cowards, when they actually never really lost a war.Oh, no?
Same in movies. The french version is usually far darker/more depressive than the american one :-)
Only someone who has never seen a Berliner before would call a Berliner a pancake.
Oh good. JFK wasn't a pancake then. Phew.
No. He was a fluffy piece of pastry, filled with strawberry jam and topped with icing or powdered sugar. Mmmmm...
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A country that can elect someone like THAT for president is doing something right.
Why on earth can those people not pronounce the R at the end of car but ADD one to wash (warsh my caaa)
For the same reasons that Bostonians do anything: to f@*+ with people who aren't from Boston.
America Got the Puritans, Australia got the criminals.
Only time America got the short end of the stick.
We got 'em, too. They went to Georgia.
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Borrowed of course.
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.”
The bartender gives him one.??The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?”
The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
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Three American plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, “I’m the best plastic surgeon in America. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he’s President of the United States!”
Only someone who has never seen a Berliner before would call a Berliner a pancake.
How that thing is called depends very much upon where you are in Germany. Officially, it is the Berliner Pfannkuchen (berlin pancake). It can be called Berliner, Berliner Ballen, Pfannkuchen, Kreppel or Krapfen. But then, Krapfen can mean other, similar things. In Berlin itself, its normally a Pfannkuchen. Have fun ordering one of those!
Much fun can be had with bread rolls as well: Brötchen, Semmeln, Weckle, Wecken, Weckerl, Weggla, Schrippen or Rundstücke are all names for your plain old wheat bread roll, again depending on where you are. If a guy from southwestern germany orders his Wecken at a Berlin bakery, chances are that they won´t understand him, until he points at them and they tell him indignantly that he should say Schrippen if he wants some. Folks from Berlin are notorious for being curt and witty at the same time.
Folks from Berlin are notorious for being curt and witty at the same time.
East or West?
Only someone who has never seen a Berliner before would call a Berliner a pancake.How that thing is called depends very much upon where you are in Germany. Officially, it is the Berliner Pfannkuchen (berlin pancake). It can be called Berliner, Berliner Ballen, Pfannkuchen, Kreppel or Krapfen. But then, Krapfen can mean other, similar things. In Berlin itself, its normally a Pfannkuchen. Have fun ordering one of those!
Much fun can be had with bread rolls as well: Brötchen, Semmeln, Weckle, Wecken, Weckerl, Weggla, Schrippen or Rundstücke are all names for your plain old wheat bread roll, again depending on where you are. If a guy from southwestern germany orders his Wecken at a Berlin bakery, chances are that they won´t understand him, until he points at them and they tell him indignantly that he should say Schrippen if he wants some. Folks from Berlin are notorious for being curt and witty at the same time.
The Schwaben have all but overtaken parts of this city, so the bakers cater to them already. If I'd order a caraway stick (Kümmelstange) there, they'd probably look at me blandly for a second before giving me a soul (Seele). Weird bunch of people.
I also don't get the confusion about Pfannkuchen. Those flat things you call pancakes are called Eierkuchen (eggcakes), of course.
@Drejk: Both, but in a different way.
Much fun can be had with bread rolls as well: Brötchen, Semmeln, Weckle, Wecken, Weckerl, Weggla, Schrippen or Rundstücke are all names for your plain old wheat bread roll, again depending on where you are.
This is the same in the North of England (probably other parts as well) - barm, bap, stottie, buttie or teacake all refer to more or less the same thing, generally filled with a) chips* b) a pie c) fried fish d) pork products, according to taste.
* "Fries" or "crisps". Barbecue Beef Hula Hoop butty, yum yum yum.
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America, England, (and now apparently) Australia. Three countries divided by a common language.
English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down back alleys, beats them up, and rifles their pockets for loose grammar.
Berliner is a type of processed meat in Australia similar to Devon.
America, England, (and now apparently) Australia. Three countries divided by a common language.
English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down back alleys, beats them up, and rifles their pockets for loose grammar.
Australians love to annoy the Poms, so we mangle the Queens English every chance we get.
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I once listened to an Australian and a Scotsman argue. I didn't understand a single word. And I am proficient in English (almost to native speaker level). I doubt they understood each other.
Also, whenever i hear a Scotsman talk, i remember this
I once listened to an Australian and a Scotsman argue. I didn't understand a single word. And I am proficient in English (almost to native speaker level). I doubt they understood each other.
Also, whenever i hear a Scotsman talk, i remember this
Yeah, I tried watching "Angel's Share" without subtitles. Gave up after 20 minutes.
America and England are traditionally described also as united by the Atlantic Ocean.
Australians love to annoy the Poms, so we mangle the Queens English every chance we get.America, England, (and now apparently) Australia. Three countries divided by a common language.
English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down back alleys, beats them up, and rifles their pockets for loose grammar.
Typical convict mentality. No respect for your obvious superiors. Is it any wonder we sent your ancestors to a place with wildlife designemd by almithty God to kill you off? How you still survive, I'll never know.
Typical convict mentality. No respect for your obvious superiors. Is it any wonder we sent your ancestors to a place with wildlife designemd by almithty God to kill you off? How you still survive, I'll never know.Australians love to annoy the Poms, so we mangle the Queens English every chance we get.America, England, (and now apparently) Australia. Three countries divided by a common language.
English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down back alleys, beats them up, and rifles their pockets for loose grammar.
Are those typos I spot there?
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Are those typos I spot there?Typical convict mentality. No respect for your obvious superiors. Is it any wonder we sent your ancestors to a place with wildlife designemd by almithty God to kill you off? How you still survive, I'll never know.Australians love to annoy the Poms, so we mangle the Queens English every chance we get.America, England, (and now apparently) Australia. Three countries divided by a common language.
English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down back alleys, beats them up, and rifles their pockets for loose grammar.
I think the whinging pom, was having an aneurism when came to the realisation that he lives on a dull grey soggy little island of little account. Where as the descendants of convicts exiled by his lot live in an egalitarian sunny paradise.
What's the difference between the jet engines of a QANTAS 747 en route to Sydney and and it's English passengers.
.........the whine of the engines stops when the plane lands.
;-)
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I don't get it.A Russian man brags to his American friend about their trains being super accurate. So the American asks him to prove it.
They go to Moscow and decide to wait for the train from Vladivostok. Time for the train's arrival comes, and the train is nowhere to be seen. An hour passes. A day passes. The American turns to the Russian.
"You call this accurate trains"
The Russian responds
"Why did your people enslave Africans"
Americans act superior about their country. That is also mocked.
There is a competitive history between the two nations, that is mocked.
Double jokes!
No German humour, eh?
Well, I'm Welsh but had this one described to me, from a German beer advert:
Three german men sit silently drinking beer after work, slowly sipping and looking contemplatively out of the window at the beautiful German countryside stretching away outside.
The American gets a beer and starts chatting away to the men, oblivious to their desire for peace and quiet.
He twigs that they are farmers and starts boasting about his ranch back home, "Why, it takes three days just to drive from one end of my farm to the other."
He runs out of steam.
The Germans stare into the distance.
A german speaks, "I had a car like that once."
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Also, this is a German comedian who has been succesful in the UK, performing in English.
Interestingly, the compere is Al Murray: a comedy character who subverts/mocks stereotypes of working class, insular British society.
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Two Serbs are riding in the same train compartment. One is from Vojvodina (a flat, agricultural and beautiful part of the country), another from Shumadija (a mountainous part of the country known for fruit, brandy and cattle).
The Shumadija guy takes out an apple and starts eating it. The Vojvodina guy asks what is that. He tells him it is an apple.
"In my village, our apples are the size of watermelons", remarks the Vojvodina guy.
The Shumadija guy answers nothing.
Some time passes, he gets hungry again so he takes out a pear and starts eating it.
"What is that?" asks the Vojvodina guy.
"A pear".
"In my village, pears are the size of pumpkins", says the Vojvodna guy.
Shumadija guy does not answer anything.
After a while, he takes out a tomato.
"What is that?", asks the Vojvodina guy.
"A CURRANT, CAN'T YOU SEE?"
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Are those typos I spot there?Typical convict mentality. No respect for your obvious superiors. Is it any wonder we sent your ancestors to a place with wildlife designemd by almithty God to kill you off? How you still survive, I'll never know.Australians love to annoy the Poms, so we mangle the Queens English every chance we get.America, England, (and now apparently) Australia. Three countries divided by a common language.
English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down back alleys, beats them up, and rifles their pockets for loose grammar.
I think the whinging pom, was having an aneurism when came to the realisation that he lives on a dull grey soggy little island of little account. Where as the descendants of convicts exiled by his lot live in an egalitarian sunny paradise.
What's the difference between the jet engines of a QANTAS 747 en route to Sydney and and it's English passengers.
.........the whine of the engines stops when the plane lands.
;-)
So if they live on a dull, gray, soggy little island, it really should come as no surprise that they set out to conquer the world, right?
No German humour, eh?Well, I'm Welsh but had this one described to me, from a German beer advert:
*snip*
That was a commercial from Flensburger brewery. They made a number of commercials that played to the supposedly dry northern german humour.
here´s a link: beer commercial in german, of course.
The one you mentioned is the second one.
The first one basically goes that way: the guy in the car asks if there is a nice beach nearby for surfing. The three guys just don´t answer him. He tries normal german, low german and I guess dutch (or danish?). Then he speeds away.
The three guys:
"Wow, he had a mighty fine car."
"And he knew a lot of languages."
"But it didn´t help him any."
*pop*
The fourth one is - well, it goes like that:
*dancing scene*
older guy: Well, you wanna leave already?
young guy: Yes, but I want to say goodbye to your wife first.
older guy: Who wouldn´t want that?
Most of these are old jokes, but told pretty well.
So if they live on a dull, gray, soggy little island, it really should come as no surprise that they set out to conquer the world, right?Are those typos I spot there?Typical convict mentality. No respect for your obvious superiors. Is it any wonder we sent your ancestors to a place with wildlife designemd by almithty God to kill you off? How you still survive, I'll never know.Australians love to annoy the Poms, so we mangle the Queens English every chance we get.America, England, (and now apparently) Australia. Three countries divided by a common language.
English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down back alleys, beats them up, and rifles their pockets for loose grammar.
I think the whinging pom, was having an aneurism when came to the realisation that he lives on a dull grey soggy little island of little account. Where as the descendants of convicts exiled by his lot live in an egalitarian sunny paradise.
What's the difference between the jet engines of a QANTAS 747 en route to Sydney and and it's English passengers.
.........the whine of the engines stops when the plane lands.
;-)
And succeeded, madam.
As for the scurrilous accusation of typos, I was merely lowering myself to the educational standards to be expected in a benighted hive of scum and villainy, i.e. Australia, so its drunken 'cobbers' could understand me. Good to see it worked.
Pip pip and carry on.
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I think the whinging pom, was having an aneurism when came to the realisation that he lives on a dull grey soggy little island of little account. Where as the descendants of convicts exiled by his lot live in an sunny paradise.
As long as you moved to Australia in the appropriate wave of settlement...
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That exchange reminded me of repeating meme responses to the cries for more proactive prevention of illegal immigration and removal of illegal aliens - with the second image showing Native Americans/Native Australians saying "So, when will you go?" or something like that.
This does count as local American/Australian joke right?
That exchange reminded me of repeating meme responses to the cries for more proactive prevention of illegal immigration and removal of illegal aliens - with the second image showing Native Americans/Native Australians saying "So, when will you go?" or something like that.
This does count as local American/Australian joke right?
Yep currently non indigenous right wing Australians many of them only second and third generation are using refugees arriving by boat as a scapegoat for the nations troubles (Which I don't understand to because Australia to paraphrase the great Dr Seuss is "where they never have troubles / at least very few"), there is an undercurrent of racism and from interesting quarters... The usual Anglo/Celtic racism is there it's a subtle and more hidden racism, but more vocal are the are Australians of Chinese and Eastern European/Mediterranean heritage (mainly because they haven't learned to hide their racism like the ACs) the refugees are mostly from the Middle East and Sri Lanka so it's religion primarily.
Most illegals are from the UK and Ireland.... Most of them arrive by plane and don't want to go home. Unfortunately the racist f##$ knuckles from the conservative side of politics have sold the boat people as a horde of people coming to change our way of life. Just under 50% of the voting population were stupid/scared enough to believe them so we ended up with homophobic racist morons in charge.
This is the best picture I have found of an indigenous Australian with a joke about boat people.
Link.*
*I don't know if the gentleman in the image is still with us or not so please be advised if you are an indigenous Australian who can not view the deceased to take that into consideration before clicking on the link.
This is the best picture I have found of an indigenous Australian with a joke about boat people.
While I get the joke, doesn't it just confirm what the right wing nuts are afraid of? :)
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A Chilean and an Argentine stumble on each other while exploring the jungle. The Chilean is carrying an anvil, while the Argentine is carrying a phone booth.
Chilean: Why on earth are you carrying a phone booth?
Argentine: Because in case I'm attacked by a panther, I can drop it to the ground and hide inside! And why are you carrying an anvil?
Chilean: Because if I'm attacked by a panther, I can drop it to the ground and run faster!
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That exchange reminded me of repeating meme responses to the cries for more proactive prevention of illegal immigration and removal of illegal aliens - with the second image showing Native Americans/Native Australians saying "So, when will you go?" or something like that.
This does count as local American/Australian joke right?
The best visual I've seen on this front are the t-shirts showing Geronimo and three of his men carrying rifles with the caption "Homeland Security: Fighting Terrorism Since 1492".
Picked one of those up back in 2007/8 at a powwow in Cherokee NC.
So if they live on a dull, gray, soggy little island, it really should come as no surprise that they set out to conquer the world, right?
If your option is to stay in Brittain or die of a horrible disease, get scalped by an indian, and die of dysentery.... then a trip to a colony starts looking better and better, so of course they conquered the world. they needed to escape!
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And what makes you think you can't do all those things in Britain *and* have a really nice cup of tea once you've finished?
Aussie Citizenship Test:
...and all this time I thought they spoke English in Australia.... ;D
Great post.
I own a pair of Ugg boots... does that count?