So you designed a Round 2 Archetypes but didn't make top 32, post it here...


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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Uncrowned King

An Aragorn type (who actually wants to rule) of Paladin? Sweet.

Alignment - So does this Archetype extend to Antipaladins as well? Other than that...yep!

Symbol of Authority - So up to 7 times a day to use any of the Domain powers from their god? Ooo...cool. Although...do they have to choose a domain each day or at will can they pick from any of the domains? Should they HAVE to choose which domain each day?

Alignment Aura - Makes sense.

First Follower - I'm assuming this follows the feat so at level 7 it becomes Leadership? Makes sense for this archetype to get a Squire.

Spells - Aha..this answers my first question about Antipaladins. Yikes...cannot be changed...what if they atone out of being fallen and become a paladin again (not likely but it could happen). This kind of forces them to stay as a paladin/antipaladin by this point.

Divine Bond - Again...pretty cool and fits thematically.

Aura of Influence - Ooo. Strong Planar alignment traits. All kinds of flavorful and yes.

Aura of Sovereignty - Yes yes and yes.

Aura of Authority - Cool...but I'm almost a weensy bit tired of the word 'Aura'. :) I think maybe on this kind of thing it could have been renamed to Authoratative Aura and it would be better (since it is an expansion of the aura).

Royal Decree - At will greater command. I would only be concerned about a little bit of overpoweredness. Especially as it'll be 20 creatures and it continues basically until the creature(s) make their will save. Although at this point a Cleric would have had it for a long time. But again...at will...hmm...bold.

Overall I like this archetype! It still doesn't make me want to play a paladin...but it is super flavorful and I know your rules-fu is strong. Other than the few questions I had (which are really just some wording questions)this is good. I don't know that I would have voted for it though with only 8 votes in R2. Maybe it would have though...I honestly can't say unless I was looking at this during voting time. My favorite part though, is how much you managed to cram into the archetype with the wordcount. I have not read your designer notes (at the time of this review) so as to not skew my views, but I actually think the witch is a better archetype, at least as far as swinging for the fences. I am more interested in playing the paladin with this archetype...but the Brantheland Witch archetype MAKES ME WANT to play a witch. I think you crammed so many abilities that you lost a little of the fluff writing that would put this into a super cool territory.

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

Thanks, Headkase. Interesting parallel with Aragon, who's usually considered the quintessential ranger, though I can see where you're coming from. Honestly, I was thinking more trying to do something with Kingmaker, since it's so popular, and then more of a King Arthur type, though obviously most of his story was actually as a crowned king (and I spent a lot of time trying to decide if this name worked, since in Kingmaker you could have your uncrowned king actually be crowned).

I wasn't really worrying about antipaladins with this, since the alignment restrictions have been taking away. I'd have to look at the class to see how it differs, though I think it should work fine, as noted in spells.

Symbol: My thought was they could choose at the time they wanted to use a power. I thought that gave them more options, without being overpowered. Picking the domain doesn't really make sense to me in terms of the story-telling aspect of the character, though I guess it could be like praying for spells in terms of asking for the deity to grant you this aspect of its favor.

First Follower: Yes. As I noted in the designer notes, the word count was a huge problem in this (changing the alignment meant I had to change a LOT of things). I really liked my first follower favor, too, but it just was way too long: And first follower was originally much longer: First follower (Ex): At 4th level, an uncrowned king gains Squire (Knights of the Inner Sea) as a bonus feat. This is often an older family retainer or even a protective parent, rather than a knight aspirant. At 7th level, when the feat graduates to Leadership, the retainer may retire, to be replaced by a new cohort using the normal Leadership rules. This retirement does not affect the uncrowned king's Leadership score. This replaces channel positive energy.

Spells: I'd treat this like any other paladin ability. If the PC changed alignments, they'd lose their alignment abilities, just as if a paladin stopped being LG. Now, I suppose you could play it as you eventually earn the favor of another god and thus get the abilities back via atonement, but otherwise you would lose them.

I debated some different names for aura of authority, but went with the parallel construction of continuing to use "aura of"...

Royal decree is probably a bit too powerful, but it is a capstone ability. Perhaps just command at will might've been better? A big problem again was word count -- this gave me a nice short power.

I probably still like the witch a bit better too (with some of the suggestions others gave in the critiques) but I think this is a paladin I'd be willing to play, which is rare. The witch was a bolder swing for the fences, and I think it would have advanced, but I honestly have no idea what the judges would have said.

Again, thanks for the review.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Greenreaver

Sevenarches was the place I was inspired by for my Monk Archetype that I had in mind (but ultimately didn't write down). I'm a little leary though that this is going to be just a River Kingdoms Beastmorph...

Class Skills - Yep!

Bestial Mojo - Hah...all the mojo talk there was during RPGSS made me chuckle when reading the name...but I don't think it would be a good name for the final submission. Having said that...I like this. Extra formulae per level from the druid list. The only 2 things I might want from this is a little extra extracts per day and maybe make this that he adds a number of druid spells to his formulae equal to 1 + Int modifier.

Feral Mutagen - Makes sense.

Rend - Also makes sense, but shouldn't you have said he gains the Rend special attack as per the Bestiary?

Enhance Mutagen - Oh wow...great idea. Combining an extract into a mutagen. I really, really like this ability.

Swift Alchemy - This is cool, but why can he do this...I am not getting enough flavor text out of this one.

Improved Mutagen - Hmm...this is flavor-wise a good choice...but it is not the same power level as swift poisoning. You are cutting down the amount of time needed to brew a mutagen in 1/10 the amount of time needed which also grants a slew of bonuses.

Instant Alchemy - Yep, makes sense with the rest of the abilities and the way this archetype is presented.

Overall I like this alchemist, maybe more so than the Top 32 one that progressed to R3. This definitely was NOT just a Beastmorph with RK flavor so kudos! I think yours is more solid mechanically, but it is also a bit safer and less swing-for-the-fences than that as well. This one is cool, but there's just some oomph that feels like is lacking. That could be because of how focused this archetype is on creating mutagens and making them faster. I think, like most of us on this board, you stopped revising after the Top 32 were announced. I have no doubts that if you were announced and kept revising that you would have tightened this up and given a good run!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

River Freedom Protector

You already said it about being a Ranger and the Six Freedoms...so no harping on it from me.

Class Skills - Makes sense.

You Have What You Hold - Hmm interesting. You make these personal bonuses as opposed to protecting other's stuff. Good choice.

Slavery Is An Abomination - Again, I like how you are making this archetype about protecting his OWN six freedoms...which I think actually makes the most sense in the RK.

Say What You Will - Same comments as the previous 2 abilities.

Walk Any Road - ditto.

Oathbreakers Die - Super good job making this flavorful for the class yet not being the same type of ability that others have tried to do with this particular freedom.

Courts Are for Kings - 4th not 4nd :) Why to lawful outsiders though? I don't think this one meshes as well with the class as the other abilities. I'm actually not certain how lawful outsiders equate to Courts or Kings. Unless you are thinking Fey and the Fey Courts...but those aren't outsiders are they?

Overall you did a great job trying to incorporate the Six Freedoms into abilities. I think you've done it much better than a lot of those who did try to do this. You lost me on your last power and it seriously stands out as a big glaring oddity in this otherwise tight and well written archetype. I especially like how you decided to make the archetype powers apply to themselves instead of protecting others' Six Freedoms. For an independent folk like those of the RK, I think this actually makes the most sense when incorporating the Six Freedoms into abilities. Well done...and I am sure that last power would have been better on further edits if you had been announced as progressing.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Dredger

First...I'm a little worried when I see a description that is as long (or close to being) as all the powers put together. You've got a lot of repeated information in the description, so cutting it down by 3/4 would probably serve you well. But I like the idea that they are out spreading the faith instead of forcibly finding heretics.

Class Skills - Yep.

Armor Proficiency - Hm...I'm wondering why?

Divine Blessing - Su not su (this goes for the rest of your abilities). Inquisitors are already pretty loaded at level 1, and you are adding resistance...and making it permanent to boot. This should at the least be replacing one of the abilities or making it a judgement.

Fervor - The wording is a little wonky but I get it.

Rally - Better hope the Dredger comes before whoever they wish to assist in the Init order if its going to be a swift action. Also, bonus to Wisdom (minimum 0).

Divine Rush - Sorry...but what is Judgement Surge? I couldn't find it on the PRD.

Paragon - Hmm...interesting its not JUST Perfect Self or Timeless Body or DR...you get all 3! Less boring than each one respectively, but it's still slightly boring.

Overall I wanted to like this archetype but as written its not at Superstar level. I almost feel though that this is because of not being announced as progressing to R2. Although your capstone needs to be something less boring (I made the same comment on ANY archetypes that used these abilities). Tighten up your writing and cite wherever you got Judgement Surge from.

Grand Lodge Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8

theheadkase wrote:

Unknown Knight

Covered Escutcheon - I see what you're going for and I like the idea. This ability frankly lost me on the 3rd or 4th ability. You are running into a Wondrous Item problem...the Swiss Army Knife...although these separate things are a little more related than most SAK's.

The difficulty with Covered Escutcheon is that it replaces both banner and greater banner, but still needs to be a single ability due to the option to reclaim the standard class ability. Maybe it would work in three paragraphs.

It also needs a much tighter description of what some of its secondary benefits are about.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Thanks theheadkase - I also intend to revisit these and earlier rounds, but with no home PC and work ramping up, it's proven a challenge.

A few quick responses to your excellent feedback in the hope others can benefit from my thought processes...

theheadkase wrote:

Mistwalker

Hmm...the description leads me to believe this isn't so much a party member as a beneficiary aid in a certain area. Could be good...or bad.

Yup, it's the flavor and sparkle (the oooh factor) that I believe stopped me progressing this year, so definitely something I am working on for next time. At least I avoided the dreaded auto rejects :P

theheadkase wrote:


River Pirates' Bane - So hopefully the pirate band includes a favored enemy! What if the favored enemy is Goblinoid...but the pirates are Elves (for some reason)

I think that you would go with the higher bonus, if your pirates bane is +3 and your goblins is +1, you go with the pirate bonus. I think it's pretty standard that when like bonuses overlap, they don't stack unless otherwise stated, so you take the highest bonus only. That's why I didnt say so, I assumed I could rely on the standard for the system.

theheadkase wrote:


Water is Life - Ooo...I didn't see this ability coming. Fresh water breathing starting at 3rd level. And the ability to detect fresh water streams and rivers within 200 ft...pretty flavorfully cool. I'm not certain if it is too useful to always have indefinite breathing under fresh water at that level...

This was the one I almost dropped, but for flavor and also for explaining how you can stay in the river with later powers, I decided in the end to keep it.

theheadkase wrote:


Misty Vapors - ...I love this ability. Seriously. It conjures up images in my head of fog rolling over the lake I used to go to as a kid.

This was the main theme of the description and the archetype, so looks like I got this bit right :)

theheadkase wrote:


Water Top Dancer - The name doesn't sell me. And (sorry for this) it could be a little dicey for the Christians as this basically makes the Mistwalker a bit of a Jesus Christ figure here. But I like the ability and I love the must move 10 ft every round or sink restriction.

Naming is another of my king weaknesses as you probably know by now :)

I almost went with Water Strider but I felt it was too close to walking and is a real life insect too.

I wasn't too concerned about the religious side you mention - I believed that the dancer and running terms distanced it enough to not be seen as walking - but as you mentioned it, it probably needed some more distancing.

theheadkase wrote:


Waterfall Surge - This is a super cool idea, but I'm automatically leary of anything that grants automatic success. Maybe a +10 or whatever to his Stealth roll. But it is fluffily cool.

Yeah, this shows my inexperience with the higher levels of play. Point taken and cogitated :)

theheadkase wrote:


One with the Flow - This is seriously cool and you've led up to it in a cool way. What happens, though, if they DO try to go into a briney area where the river meets the ocean? Do they reform automatically? This is a good imagery...basically a watery teleport.

I like to believe that had I gotten through, I would have caught this on subsequent pre submission edits - it is an obvious ommission, so you are fully justified asking that.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Desperado

"Why don't you come to your senses..." Sorry, had to throw The Eagles reference in there. But that is a good note...I am sure the judges would have jumped on that as a caution when it comes to naming.

Description is nice and perky and it almost makes the Desperado seem to be less-than-good. I want an alignment restriction after reading the description.

Reckless Gunfighter - Kind of a reverse combat expertise for ranged attacks. I like it! Makes sense as well with the theme.

Deeds - This is something that all the Gunslinger Archetype writers can answer...is it normal that they swap a trio of deeds? Just curious, why not 4 or 2?

Return Fire - "This does not allow a desperado to make any other attacks of opportunity." Do you mean that even if they have more AoO's for the round they can't? Not sure I'd EVER take this...its already restricted by making them need a loaded firearm, and it is at 7th level so multiple AoO's become commonplace.

Shoot 'Em Up - "one point of grit" nitpicky but, "one grit point". This cuts out a word and follows what most of the other deeds say for grit points. I'm going back and forth on if I want to see wording that says each enemy must be within X feet of each other.

Luck of the Bold - "the increase last" to "the increase lasts". I'd like to see that this acts as X spell (like Blink or some such) just so I know WHY she gains this miss chance.

Overall it is in a rough state, but that is VERY likely due to stopped editing after the R2 announcement came out. I do like the focus on being like Clive Owen and Antonio Banderas(I actually love that movie Shoot 'Em Up AND Desperado), but you've got to be really careful in naming your abilities as they are the exact same or come too close to existing and well known things. A little more fluff wouldn't hurt as this is a cinematic archetype but almost no cinematic descriptions in the abilities.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Kolsson Warleader

GREAT start to your description. Cue voiceover kind of description. Seriously love this description.

Domain - Not sure how I feel about taking that much choice away from the player. It makes sense that they should do this...but it is very limiting.

Diminished Spellcasting - I had this note for the Branthlend Witch...I know that this is usually put up front...but it discourages me from reading the rest of the archetype as there is no reason as to why I should accept less spells per level at this point.

Inspired Tactics - Cool and it makes sense. Although I think the inspiring command ability doesn't affect the Cleric..the wording makes it seem like it only affects 1 ally + 1 for every 3 levels (not including self). I could be wrong.

Battle Cry - This makes them slightly like the War focused Bard...but I like this. Very thematically fitting. And you addressed the HD question at later levels :)

Conflict Channel - I'm not certain what the implications of this are. Is this MORE channeling (on top of what the class already gets?).

Improved Inspiring Command - Makes sense, but it's not very flashy as the end ability for an archetype.

Overall you are right, this is very mechanical. That is not necessarily bad, and I can see that you have writing chops based on your description. You need to concentrate on working in that good writing and fluff into your abilities. It is a good thing to be mechanically minded as you anticipated a lot of rules interactions and questions that could come up from those. I hesitated to ask about inspiring command, but I honestly don't know about it so I will wait your (or anyone's) response on that one :) This is a pretty good Cleric but its a little too bland to make it past R2, which you recognized so you know what to do!

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka SmiloDan

theheadkase wrote:

Greenreaver

Sevenarches was the place I was inspired by for my Monk Archetype that I had in mind (but ultimately didn't write down). I'm a little leary though that this is going to be just a River Kingdoms Beastmorph...

Class Skills - Yep!

I really like highly mobile melee combatants, and being scary and sneaky also fits what I was trying to make here.

Bestial Mojo - Hah...all the mojo talk there was during RPGSS made me chuckle when reading the name...but I don't think it would be a good name for the final submission. Having said that...I like this. Extra formulae per level from the druid list. The only 2 things I might want from this is a little extra extracts per day and maybe make this that he adds a number of druid spells to his formulae equal to 1 + Int modifier.

There is actually quite a bit of overlap in the alchemist and druid spell (or formula) lists. I mostly wanted to add a bunch of good self-buffing options to the greenreaver.

Feral Mutagen - Makes sense.

Rend - Also makes sense, but shouldn't you have said he gains the Rend special attack as per the Bestiary?

I used some of the Rend language, but it is a bit different from the Universal Monster Rule for Rend. Its base damage die is not necessarily the same as the greenreaver's natural attack damage die, it doesn't add 1 1/2 times the greenreaver's Strength score (but perhaps should), and it scales with level like sneak attack and bomb damage.

Enhance Mutagen - Oh wow...great idea. Combining an extract into a mutagen. I really, really like this ability.

I know some commentators thought this was WAY too powerful, but I think it would be really fun to combine a mutagen with enlarge person, greater magic fang, or haste.

Swift Alchemy - This is cool, but why can he do this...I am not getting enough flavor text out of this one.

I should probably have only halved time it takes to create a mutagen here. The why is because I wanted the greenreaver to be able to use its mutagen relatively consistently.

Improved Mutagen - Hmm...this is flavor-wise a good choice...but it is not the same power level as swift poisoning. You are cutting down the amount of time needed to brew a mutagen in 1/10 the amount of time needed which also grants a slew of bonuses.

I should probably reduced crafting time to 10 minutes here, or maybe not at all.

Instant Alchemy - Yep, makes sense with the rest of the abilities and the way this archetype is presented.

Overall I like this alchemist, maybe more so than the Top 32 one that progressed to R3. This definitely was NOT just a Beastmorph with RK flavor so kudos! I think yours is more solid mechanically, but it is also a bit safer and less swing-for-the-fences than that as well. This one is cool, but there's just some oomph that feels like is lacking. That could be because of how focused this archetype is on creating mutagens and making them faster. I think, like most of us on this board, you stopped revising after the Top 32 were announced. I have no doubts that if you were announced and kept revising that you would have...

A lot of the design choices I made with this archetype dealt with the loss of poison use, and dealing with removing the faster poisoning abilities the standard alchemist has.

This was also designed to be a fun, self-buffing weaponless melee combatant. It sacrifices ranged area attacks and poison use for more consistent mutagen use and more versatile mutagen use.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Rookwarden Liberator

So based on the description, this is almost a small sect of people, or it should be. But it also is described as a loner type. Not sure if you had settled on that yet in your head. I can't comment on the Loric and Deigal parts nor on the Rookwarden part as I'm not familiar. I will say that I don't like the name...this is completely personal with no real reason...it just doesn't resonate with me.

Focused Skill Set - Whoa...taking away my Alchemist level to skills and my Brew Potion options...that scares me, but I'll keep reading.

Trollbane - Why wouldn't it deal the 1 extra point of fire damage to trolls when using a Discovery...it should stack. This is already a thing that is very situational...and since the damage doesn't grow based on level, there's no reason to further restrict it. Actually, now that I think about it...this should be a Discovery.

Hag Foe - I'm guessing that hags generally have those types of abilities? But since this is supposed to be a super focused Alchemist...why wouldn't this be against only hags? You've unrestricted this one but left the Trollbane restricted (which is a small enough boost offensively that this Hag Foe ability is actually better). Also...I find it weird that it stops at +3 instead of leveling out to +5.

Spell Blight Bomb - This again feels like it should be a Discovery vs an actual ability. But shouldn't it be Int based like everything else...so 3 + Int bonus, or if that's too powerful then 1 + Int bonus.

Greater Spell Blight - See Spell Blight.

Trollslayer - Again...this is kind of a Greater Trollbane and should be a Discovery.

Communal Spell Blight - See Spell Blight and Greater Spell Blight.

Overall I'm not feeling this. Now that I read your intro sentence it makes sense...this is indeed a VERY rough draft. I think you've got an idea, but unfortunately your abilities feel like Discoveries. This troll/hag hunting archetype would be better served as a Ranger...in fact a straight Ranger would be better at pretty much all of this than this archetype. I dig the anti-troll and anti-hag vibe...but you need to work on distinguishing abilities from Discoveries when dealing with an Alchemist. I really don't mean to sound harsh...it's a class I love to death so I generally pay attention super closely when I see an archetype dealing with them. You've got some good names, but could also use a bit more fluff.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Eighth Arch

Ok...My other archetype was Seven Arches and Oakstewards inspired...and I absolutely LOVE the name of your archetype. Just sayin'.

Summoner's are hard to do and have a bad rep (seemingly) so let's take a look...I trust you a bit since I've seen you around the boards and generally respect your posts.

Interesting description!

Gorgas Slayer - Hmmm I think I like this. Definitely very flavorful. It's a tricky thing to add a new subclass of abilities (the "slayer" abilities) in an Archetype but I think this does so without overpowering the class (any more than it can be). Does this apply to the Eidolon since the summoner also summons this creature? Although I see this specifically alters summon monster so no...and can an Eidolon be templated?

Arcane Claw - Ooo. Cool. This alleviates some of the issues people have with the Summoner summoning multitudes of monsters and slowing combat! Although how would this interact with the Master Summoner archetype...would this work if each round he only summons 1 monster?

Archrift Fang - So. Cool. By " The eighth arch can target one natural attack of a single creature he has called." do you mean that they focus on a type of natural attack, like Claw, and it gets this bonus, or 1 natural attack, like Claw 1. If you say just Claw, then Claw, Claw, Bite type of attack routines will get this benefit twice in an attack. I like how you specified one single creature.

Internal Arch - Flavorful and cool.

Arch Link - This cool and flavorful but could cause a lot of GM headaches ("but isn't the arch right there, just on a different plane?????")

Overall I really like this concept. I have the questions I asked about above, but really, that's not that much. The general advice for anyone attempting a Summoner archetype is to pay attention to how it interacts with the Master Summoner and Synthesist archetypes. You've got some quite solid and flavorful things going on here. I would have hated coming up against this if we had both progressed and I had decided to use my Seven Arches archetype.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Doombreaker

Cool name...but why the Daggermark association? I'm not seeing enough of the why to include the reference.

Decreed to Die - GM headache. Just sayin'. I like what you are doing with this ability, but it is a little rough and it has some questions like what happens if it's a cure spell? When curing an ally you could make a case that it is to fight off their person trying to kill them. This is really forcing a GM to write story specifically for this character. I would almost see this an NPC in an AP with a story already intertwined with the party's story.

Overall it is definitely a super early draft but already I don't think I could see voting for this specifically for how much choice it takes away from the GM in terms of story and accomodation.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

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Witch of the Ruined King

Cool name, but since I'm re-reading The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy right now...I think of the Witch-King of Angmar from the name :) Not really a note just something that I think of because of what I'm currently reading.

The description is super cool and flavorful and I think this is a wonderful idea for the area. It would make sense in this chaotic place that there would be spectral remnants of rulers and witches about the area WOULD definitely be communing with them.

Class Skills - Yep.

King's Remnant - Now this...this is super cool and flavorful. I love items and especially cursed and intelligent items. Great pick of development space and your writing really drives it in for me.

Hexes - Just to ask...do you mean these are the ONLY 2 hexes that can be selected or are these in addition to the normal hex list?

Commune with Kings - Wow...I like this and the creepy factor really jumped without being gory or campy. Cool. The name's a little off from the ability but I don't see how you could keep the flavor of the class AND the name AND the ability without severely restricting the hex.

Remnant Bond - Cool and makes sense!

Overall I want MORE in this archetype! Seriously, this is super duper cool and I would likely vote for this along with Jacob's Branthlend Witch. I don't know that I could choose between the 2. This is another archetype that MAKES ME WANT TO PLAY WITCH!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Marshland Marauder

Let's see your next archetype! Cool description and certainly makes flavorful sense, while also being awesome for choosing Rogue love although I'm just a little leary that this will step on a Ranger's toes

Class Skills - Yep.

Stealthy Start - Oh...cool. Replacing Init roll with a Stealth roll. And you avoided the cliche of just giving an automatic surprise round. Like this. But the judges might have dinged you for replacing the iconic Rogue skill...and making (flavor wise) more of a ranger/ninja.

Swamp Step - Again..cool, flavorful, and innovative choice.

Overwhelm Quagmire - It is not a 1 for 1 trade since Uncanny Dodge is always useful, but this fits thematically so well that I like it. At this point though, this archetype is starting to only become useful in a certain type of campaign.

Improved Overwhelm Quagmire - Pretty much the same comment for Overwhelm Quagmire. Except the name...I personally like it but it is a bit...not smooth when saying it.

Rogue Talents - Yep.

Overall I really like this...for a certain type of campaign or one-shot. That's not a bad thing but it could cost you votes. Also, replacing the iconic Rogue abilities is a double edged sword. I honestly don't know that I wouldn't NOT vote for this...I love the design spaces you chose and I like your style. I like everything about this because it indicates so well the designer behind the thing...and I think the judges would most likely see that as well, but this could have lost you some votes just because it's not as bright and flashy and always useful.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Everbloom Thorn

I'm a monk lover so I'll try not to be too harsh :)

Straight off the bat in the description I'm a little concerned because you sound like you are taking away a lot of RP choice and likely a lot of mechanical choice. Also, these monks aren't Lawful!! But that can be ok.

Alignment - Doesn't seem to really jive with the description. The description paints these monks as almost cultist types that are used to thwart established rule.

Aspect of Milani - Spellcasting monks are an idea that everyone wants (or should). And it would make sense especially in the healing, liberation, or protection aspect. But...losing ALL my bonus feats...ouch. This almost turns the monk from a middling fighter to a bad spellcaster.

Focused Blow - Not sure I would have used Flurry as the replacement, I probably would have chose Stunning Fist to be replaced. You are again handicapping their ability to fight by taking away their ability to punch/kick/whatever a bunch of times in a row.

Ki Pool - Interesting concept. I like it, but still wish I could Flurry.

Subtle Bloom - Replacing slow fall (which becomes unlimited basically through time) with a +6 to stealth? Not buying into it. Monks can already be pretty stealthy so the bonus isn't big enough for the trade off. I also am starting to think this archetype needs sneak attack damage. Somthing like a Thorn Strike ability which is basically a somewhat weaker version of the Rogue Sneak Attack would complement this nicely.

Crimson Rose - Maximized Stunning Fist damage! But it's still hard to hit AND next to impossible to fail the fortitude! This would complement the Focused Blow nicely if that ability had replaced Stunning Fist....

From the Cobblestones - Awesome. I like this capstone...but nothing previous to this even hints at this type of ability (except for a couple of the domains granted by Milani). As a capstone, this is pretty cool...if this were an archetype focused on helping others.

Overall I'm not sure I would play this Monk. It's a bit back and forth on what it wants to be, and I disagree with some of the choices you made (but that is totally subjective as not everyone would agree with MY choices either). I'm really not trying to be harsh but you need to focus on your vision for this archetype. If you want to do an archetype whose theme represents the duality of nature...then do it, but be careful of what you are doing and you really have to sell that theme. If you want an archetype that is a monk who is more of a ninja...cool...but make sure everything agrees with itself. I like the idea you have seeding here...I'm just not fond of some of the choices.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Whew! Finally done! I hope I didn't come off as too harsh as I really meant everything to be constructive. We're all winners for even attempting something like this.

A note to my last review:
Wow, I didn't realize I would be in the minority on that one :) I guess this goes to show the personal preference thing is a big ornery monster.

In fact...one of the lessons I learned from this exercise was that it is almost impossible to keep one's personal preferences out of the way.

I think I learned more than I could ever hope to teach others from reviewing all of your archetypes, so thank you for giving me the opportunity.

Again...these were my personal reviews and I am far from a professional. Take them as you will and if you find even a tiny nugget of something helpful in them then I will be happy.

Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

A stellar effort headkase! Nicely done and you brought both a personal note when you wanted to and mechanical aptitude where warranted. Thanks for highlighting all over again, these wonderful archetypes!!!

Thanks to all those who posted archetypes in this thread!!!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16 , Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8 aka Cyrad

Blargh, it took me weeks to get around to doing this. I am not as epic as theheadkase, who's writing some very awesome reviews. Even the reviews are fun to read.

First page!

Upstart Aesthete (Alchemist)

Spoiler:

Good: Very fantastic flavor here and fits RK. Alchemist's Vermillion is pretty interesting and a worthy replacement for mutagen. Scornful Blast is absolutely hilarious and fits the archetype perfectly.

Bad: Alchemist's Vermillion and Entrancing Bomb might be a bit stronger than what they trade for. Scornful Blast is a little iffy because technically you're making touch attacks against the enemy anyway. It also doesn't mention what happens to the splash damage. I'm also fairly certain this exceeds the 450 word limit, which would disqualify it instantly.

Would I use this?: Yes. This is appropriately funny, flavorful, fits the RK, and looks like fun.

Master Thrower (Fighter)

Spoiler:

Good: Seems like a pretty solid archetype. Most of the trades make sense and seem fair. You seem to follow the style very well.

Bad: I'm not following the RK tie-in here. Also, I don't think Hilt First is a fair trade for a bonus feat. It has good flavor, but it's not very useful when the fighter can simply use Quick Draw to draw a bludgeoning weapon.

Would I use this?: I would, actually, but...not for any River Kingdoms campaign.

Cursed Peddler (Alchemist)

Spoiler:

Good: A shady merchant archetype? Neat idea and I like Sales Pitch.

Bad: You have style errors. Each ability needs to have a type to it. There doesn't seem to be many noteworthy abilities aside from Sales Pitch. I was expecting more plays with merchantry and deceiving people!

Would I use this?: No, sadly. Just not enough here.

Anarchist Bard (Bard)

Spoiler:

Good: Very strong theme here. A bard that undermines the enemy's confidence. It's pretty interesting and creative.

Bad: Most of the abilities here trigger on very specific circumstances. For example, it's rare to fight an enemy that uses Handle Animal and teamwork feats. Also, I'm not sure if undermining confidence is the same as being an anarchist. I find it strange that an anarchist gains the bardic knowledge bonus to Diplomacy.

Would I use this?: No, most of the new abilities are too situational.

Outsea Seeker (Ranger)

Spoiler:

Good: I like Watery Ambush. Many of the things here make sense.

Bad: Most of these abilities are just weaker versions of normal abilities or ones that force the player's decision. Sean K. Reynolds advised against this.

Would I use this?: No, there's not enough meat here. Just mostly forced decisions.

Boastful Champion (Barbarian)

Spoiler:

Good: Invocative flavor. Very interesting concept. I like Behold My Conquest's idea.

Bad: The power level of this archetype is very high. At first level, you get so many options to really rend your opponent and give you significant buffs. It doesn't isn't clear how long it lasts -- durations should be measured in time, not "until the end of an encounter." Instead of trying to adjust the power level and enable it to be used more often, you simply removed an amount of abilities. The many options would be better given as the Barbarian levels up instead of be given all of them immediately. Also, are you aware that Boast and Behold my Conquest do not stack? Also, there's grammar, spelling, and style errors throughout the archetype.

I also would like to point out that Behold My Conquests requires some metagaming. Its DC relies on the CR of the encounter, which is something that's generally kept secret from the players. Also, what if the ability is used out of an encounter?

Would I use this?: No.

Avid Skeptic (Inquistor)

Spoiler:

Good: Okay, nice flavor. Secular Authority is an interesting ability -- suppressing the spells of other divine casters. Template use seems decent, too.

Bad: Secular Authority is the entire archetype and it's way too situational. It's very rare to go up against enemies that cast these spells. Also, it suppresses more holy spells than unholy, which makes it even less useful. On top of it, you're trading a domain, which is a very useful and practical class feature, for a class feature that you'd be lucky if it came up once in a campaign. I would have made this some kind of aura that denies enemies benefit from spells that match their alignment.

I won't review Divine-less Probation. In my opinion, 20th-level archetype abilities are a waste of space because nearly all players will never get far enough to get the ability and such abilities tend to cause compatibility issues with other archetypes. You could have used the wordcount on this ability to make other features that work with Secular Authority.

Would I use this?: No, there's not much to this archetype. It's also a very obvious downgrade from a vanilla Inquistor.

Warlord (Barbarian)

Spoiler:

Good: Inspiring Warrior is cool. While it's basically inspire courage while you're raging, it invokes the archetype as a leader in battle. I honestly think you should have centered the entire archetype around this, maybe even give extra benefits as he levels up. And to keep it different from bard, maybe have it give Strength bonuses to allies. For example, instead of giving +4 strength to himself, he gives +2 strength to his allies.

Bad: Warlord's March replaces an always useful ability (Fast Movement) for a small benefit to a rule not always enforced (encumbrance) that is a book-keeping nightmare (dividing weight of rations). I find it strange that Ambush Sense says the warlord is alert to treachery and yet he does not receive a bonus to Sense Motive. Siege Commander is a very lame ability. It has no flavor, the name is misleading, and it's a poor trade since many rage powers are better than feats.

Would I use this?: No. As is, this archetype feels very weak, but I would like a barbarian that inspires other people.

Gunner (Alchemist)

Spoiler:

Good: I've been wanting some kind of gun alchemist for awhile. You do have some interesting ideas.

Bad: First off, this archetype doesn't give the alchemist a battered gun. Since all of the abilities (including the bomb replacement) rely on a gun, this basically makes the class unplayable for the first few levels. Secondly, shoehorning the alchemist into using a blunderbus isn't cool. I don't see why you wouldn't at least allow any weapon with the scatter ability.

Third, many of the abilities are obviously better than what you trade. For example, getting Rapid Reload is obviously better than poison use. Alchemical munitions is a big mess of an ability. You get to shoot alchemical items through your gun (thus benefiting from its enhancement bonus), you add Intelligence mod to firearm shots, and can still apply discoveries. It's also not really clear if applying discoveries still does splash damage. This was a good idea, but could have benefited from some revision.

Finally, there's style errors and I'm pretty sure this is more than 450 words, which would disqualify this instantly.

Would I use this?: Well, no because I don't like blunderbuses. Otherwise, I'd take it.

The Jack (Bard)

Spoiler:

Good: Mimetic Repetition is a pretty neat ability that makes sense. The flavor is pretty good, too.

Bad: Unfortunately, I do agree with you. This idea doesn't look too developed. There's not much to the archetype. Also, the ability trades are not even. Inspired abilities are weaker than what they give up. Mimetic Repetition is way better than the three situational abilities you give up. This archetype also heavily relies on class choices of your party members. Finally, Pathfinder bards have "bardic performance" not "bardic music." That's something that could have gotten you disqualified.

Would I use this?: No, probably not. If more polished, I would take it for Mimetic Repetition.

Spirit-vexed Wanderer (Barbarian)

Spoiler:

Good: This is an intriguing archetype. A barbarian that flies into a rage due to spirit possession. Smell Fear is a pretty cool mechanic that enforces a flavorful downside of Sudden Urges. The names of some abilities really paint a picture of their flavor, like the Barbarian contorting his body into bizarre positions to dodge attacks via Horrific Contortion. I like that the rage shakens the barbarian instead of fatigues, which fits the flavor. I do see that you took the time to ensure it's roughly a fair trade. Shaken is roughly twice as severe, but the condition lasts half as long.

Bad: I'm not sure if Horrific Contortion is a fair trade. In some ways, it may be even stronger than the damage reduction, but I'm on the fence about that one. The RK tie-in is almost not even there. Raised Shackles is not an even trade for Trap Finding, even though the fact it mentions haunts is pretty neat. Traps come up more often than haunts. "Vexed" needs to be capitalized.

Would I use this?: Yes, this is a pretty fun archetype. It could use a few tweaks, but you did a good job.

Candlemere Cleric (Cleric)

Spoiler:

Good: Nice flavor description.

Bad: There's really not much to this archetype at all. Cleric basically loses their signature ability and armor proficiencies so they can cast an extra domain spell. Not a great trade in my opinion. The wording of the descriptions is a big awkward. Also, I'm not a fan of changing class skill ranks in an archetype.

Would I use this?: No, if I'd rather just play a Wizard or another divine class instead of this archetype.

Branthlend Witch (Witch)

Spoiler:

Good: Vengeance Incarnate looks really fun, as is casting curses and hexes on enemies as they attack you. There's few archetypes that make me go "Wow! This looks so much fun to play!"

Bad: Taking away spellcasting from a spellcasting class until they're level 5. That's an unprecedanted way of crippling a core aspect of a class (as far as I can remember). Most evolutions are heavily combat-oriented. With the witch's terrible BAB, this is a pretty bad trade at later levels. I feel like Hampered Spellcasting was used too much of a crutch to allow a balance space for the new abilities. In the end, the class suffers. I'm not sure if you noticed, but Hampered Spellcasting is really taking away TWO class features since this means the witch doesn't get Patron benefits until level 5. I think the archetype would be better without Vengeance Incarnate and Hampered Spellcasting and have the hexes replace patron spells or something.

Would I use this?: No. As fun as getting evolutions and counter hexes would be, I would be hard-pressed to wait until level 5 to cast spells. I'm the kind of person who don't play druids because I don't want to wait so many levels to get my favorite ability: wild shape.

Waystrider (Magus)

Spoiler:

Good: As I mentioned in my first impressions, I really love the concept behind this archetype. It fits the magus and makes me think of D&D's swordmage. I always thought of a melee spellcaster not just casting spells through his weapon, but also using spells to boost his defenses and skirt in and out of combat. This fits the image perfectly. It's also quite worthy of a replacement for Spell Recall. Spell Recall is an amazing ability and it irritates me when published archetypes replace it with something lackluster.

Giving feat support for the ability was a nice touch. Following Step can be a lot of fun to thwart a villain getting away. I originally felt this was too story-breaking, but as one person pointed out, a crafty villain could use this to lure the magus into a trap! Escaping Step makes sense.The RK tie-in is loose but satisfactory.

Bad: As written, Far Step is very clunky. The wording is confusing and redundant. Most significantly, the magus cannot spell combat with it. The bonus feat description is too lengthy. You could have saved wordcount by simplifying things. This is my take on a revision:

"Far Step (Sp): At 4th level, a waystrider learns to displace through short distances. As a standard action, a waystrider may expend 1 point from his arcane pool to teleport to a space he can see in close range (25 ft. + 5 ft. /2 levels) as if using dimensional door. He cannot take other creatures with him when he uses this ability (except for familiars). Far step may be used with spell combat and counts as dimensional door for the purpose of qualifying for feats. This replaces spell recall.

"Bonus Feats (Ex): A waystrider adds Dimensional Agility and feats that list it as a prerequisite to his list of bonus feats."

I appreciate that you're trying not to make Escaping Step too powerful, but 3 arcane pool points and an immediate action to move 1 square and get staggered is weaker than Heavy Armor. I would reduce the cost of the ability or allow the magus to teleport further away.

I also kind of wish improved spell recall was replaced with an ability that augments Far Step or gives it another application. Following Step seems powerful compared to what you trade for it, though it does require a lot of checks to make it successful.

Would I use this?: I'm split both ways. As written, I would definitely not take this because losing spell recall for an ability that doesn't mesh with the magus style is a loss for me. If revised so Far Step can be used with spell combat, I would definitely take this, especially considering the magus is my favorite class.

Thrice Bond Wizard (Wizard)

Spoiler:

Good: This toys with arcane bond in "why didn't I think of that?" kind of way. The idea of having an animated object as a familiar sounds incredibly awesome.
Bad: Familiar item has a very poor description. I don't see why you're treating it as two separate entities, which confused me at first into thinking the wizard is getting both a familiar and an item, rather than one that serves as both. You also don't explain that it has two forms. Making good use of terms already established in the game can really help you describe things. Describing Familiar Item as an animated object that functions as a familiar could have halved the wordcount, allowing for more interesting abilities.

Finally, I don't see why the wizard has to trade a bonus feat for this. Having your familiar be a bonded object is a major disadvantage in itself. It means whenever it's in familiar form, the wizard can't cast spells without making a concentration check.
Would I use this?: Definitely not as written. The previously mentioned flaw cripples the wizard. However, the idea is awesome. If this archetype had a good execution, it would be hard to convince myself NOT to take this archetype simply for the flavor.

I might be a little harsh in some reviews.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Garrick, thanks for the review!

Garrick Williams wrote:


Good: A shady merchant archetype? Neat idea and I like Sales Pitch.
Bad: You have style errors. Each ability needs to have a type to it. There doesn't seem to be many noteworthy abilities aside from Sales Pitch. I was expecting more plays with merchantry and deceiving people!

Would I use this?: No, sadly. Just not enough here.

I'm glad you liked the core idea. I originally had a LOT more in terms of abilities. Sales Pitch became my central focus through the revision process as I had decided that the voters would want something a little more flashy than my R1 entry (Intellectual's Clay Pipe).

Can't believe I forgot ability types! Perhaps further editing might have caught it.

I also consciously made the choice to not get too into RP specific abilities towards merchantry as it felt like it would have been too obvious. Although maybe with the feedback I've gotten I can think of some clever ideas for those types of abilities and have the wordcount for it.

I definitely agree that as written it isn't really playable and as someone mentioned before it is more of an NPC class. I'm cursed with a love of crafting so this archetype doesn't really do much for many.

Thanks again for taking the time to review.

Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

theheadkase wrote:

...

I think I learned more than I could ever hope to teach others from reviewing all of your archetypes, so thank you for giving me the opportunity....

Nice job headkase, now that I have your review I will do a rewrite and post it. A big part of the Blazing 9 Items is the critique and rewrite so I will add this to the exercise over the summer. I will get some review in here before then though.

Thanks for doing this, would love to see your oaksummonersteward :)

Marathon Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7

theheadkase wrote:

The Marked Guardian

No fluffy description! Bold! I miss it though.

Searing Mark - I'm assuming these abilities don't stack...right? Its a divine mark...but it does with ink or dirt or just by holding two fingers together and dragging them across the opponent's skin?

Divine Disciple - Paladin Spell list in exchange for Ki...and by extension ALL ki based abilities. Cool...because a Monk SHOULD have some sort of spell list :)

Sliding Step - Hmm...cool.

Spellbound Mark - I'm not sure exactly what this means. What happens if they use Bless on an opponent...how does this actually work. Is it like one of the symbol spells? And I can see how delaying it would be useful on an ally...but I just don't think its mechanically sound enough.

Mark of the Heavens - This wouldn't work if they got hit hard enough to kill them...right?

Bane of Worlds - Cool and makes sense...although I'm not getting a CLEAR idea of what this Archetype is.

Overall - It is very rough and I think you know that. This could use a few or more edits to tighten up the vision of what this archetype is supposed to be. I like what I think this is...but its not ready for primetime.

Thanks for the review. Spellbound mark was supposed to work a bit like Magus' Spellstrike ability.

I updated the archetype somewhat, and I'm thinking about making it a new class, as son as I get the time.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

Garrick Williams wrote:

your review:

Good: This toys with arcane bond in "why didn't I think of that?" kind of way. The idea of having an animated object as a familiar sounds incredibly awesome.
Bad: Familiar item has a very poor description. I don't see why you're treating it as two separate entities, which confused me at first into thinking the wizard is getting both a familiar and an item, rather than one that serves as both. You also don't explain that it has two forms. Making good use of terms already established in the game can really help you describe things. Describing Familiar Item as an animated object that functions as a familiar could have halved the wordcount, allowing for more interesting abilities.

Finally, I don't see why the wizard has to trade a bonus feat for this. Having your familiar be a bonded object is a major disadvantage in itself. It means whenever it's in familiar form, the wizard can't cast spells without making a concentration check.
Would I use this?: Definitely not as written. The previously mentioned flaw cripples the wizard. However, the idea is awesome. If this archetype had a good execution, it would be hard to convince myself NOT to take this archetype simply for the flavor.

Eventually you get 2 familiars which can switch back and forth as a bonded item one of which is an improved familiar and then you get a bond with your companions that allows you to put self range only spell on your friends. Tenser's transformation on your barbarian for example. Idea = awesome. Execution = crap. Pretty much same feedback I got on my item. Hoping some time working on my writing with the blazing 9 will sharpen my skills.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread and especially to those that wrote reviews. I'm happy to have found this community and for Blazing 9 I have some fun projects and ideas I'll use on my own threads. @ theheadcase dude you are awesome-sauce.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16 , Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8 aka Cyrad

theheadkase wrote:

Witch of the Ruined King

...

Overall I want MORE in this archetype! Seriously, this is super duper cool and I would likely vote for this along with Jacob's Branthlend Witch. I don't know that I could choose between the 2. This is another archetype that MAKES ME WANT TO PLAY WITCH!

Thank you for taking the time to review Witch of the Ruined King. I'm glad you liked it. The Hexes listed are just extra ones to choose from. I might consider fleshing this out in the future. I might change Commune with Kings's name or split it into two Hexes. I also considered maybe trading Patron spells for something. The word count really made this a risky design space. Overall, if I convinced a person to play a class thanks to my archetype, then I feel like I accomplished something!

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8 aka ugly child

This is what I submitted this year. I think this was the final draft that went in, but it has been a little while. I'm curious about what people think of it.

Drowned Ferryman (Inquisitor)
Drowned ferrymen are proxies of Hanspur; concerned with the flow of the Sellen River and those who travel upon it. These inquisitors have the grizzly responsibility of Hanspur’s rites of drowning. Ferrymen are sometimes seen by aquatic gods as a necessity and are employed by such deities.

Drowned: Drowned ferrymen only dedicate themselves to a deity who offers the water domain or its sub domains. The ferryman may still choose any of the deity’s domains.

Spells: A ferryman adds these spells to her spell list as spells of the indicated spell level: 1st —undine’s curse, 2nd —slipstream, 3rd—water walk, 4th­—nixie’s lure, 5th­—suffocation, 6th—vortex.

Hold Breath (Ex): At 1st level, a ferryman can hold her breath for a number of rounds equal to 4 times her Constitution score before she risks drowning or suffocating. This ability replaces monster lore.

Submerge (Su): At 2nd level, a ferryman can as a free action for a number of rounds per day equal to her inquisitor level, gain a 20 ft. swim speed. These rounds do not have to be consecutive. The ferryman also gains the standard +8 bonus on Swim checks and may take 10 on Swim checks even while distracted or endangered. The ferryman can use the run action while swimming, provided she swims in a straight line. This ability does not grant any ability to breathe water. This ability replaces detect alignment.

Out of your Depth (Su): At 5th level, while within 30 ft. of a ferryman, creatures halve their capacity for the number of rounds that they may hold their breath. Their capacity returns to normal when they
leave this area, but the number of rounds they have held their breath for does not change. This ability does not affect the ferryman or her allies. This ability replaces discern lies.

Breath Shift (Sp): At 9th level, a ferryman may alter creatures who breathe water. As a standard action, target creature touched is able to breathe air. However, they can no longer breathe water for a number of minutes equal to her inquisitor level. Creatures that can already breathe air still lose the ability to breathe water. Creatures may make a Fortitude save to resist (DC 10 + 1/2 the ferryman's class level + the ferryman's Wis modifier). The ferryman can use this ability a number of times per day equal to her Wisdom modifier. This ability has no effect on creatures who do not breathe. This ability replaces the teamwork feat gained at 9th level.

Driftwood (Su): At 14th level, a ferryman gains freedom of movement as a continuous spell-like ability. This ability replaces exploit weakness.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Drowned Ferryman

Hmm...not sold on the description. I'm a little confused by what you mean about being employed by aquatic deities. Also, why are they the drowned ferryman? I'm assuming one of the abilities will reveal that but as far as the description goes there's nothing to that..other than the connection to Hanspur.

Drowned - Ok

Spells - Makes sense but shouldn't you be replacing instead of wholesale adding?

Hold Breath - This is a trap that many fell into. The drowning rules already allow for a LONG time before you are in any danger so this isn't very exciting or that useful to be honest.

Submerge - So you get a 20ft swim speed for X rounds/level. It shouldn't be a free action at 2nd level but should be a swift action. Although I don't think it should be an action at all, they should just gain a swim speed and it increases per so many levels. It's kind of a boring ability. Especially for having the X rounds per day restriction.

Out of Your Depth - I like what you are going for, but again, drowning takes forever and a lot of creatures have decent Con scores.

Breath Shift - First, the wording is a little wonky. Should have been something like "may attempt to make a touch attack that provokes to alter creatures who breathe water". Should be a will save instead of fort. I'm torn because I see a glimmer of what you are going for, but I don't think this ability, nor any of the previous abilities make it interesting as is.

Driftwood - Continuous spell-like? Hmmm...ok I can see it but...I dunno...having it continuous just feels iffy. Could be just me.

Overall I don't see anything very interesting aside from your capstone, which I have some reservations about. You fell into a lot of traps that others fell into when trying to make a water based Ranger/Inquisitor/Rogue/whatever. Especially concerning the drowning rules. Even in a water focused campaign, this wouldn't be that interesting. You've got some seed ideas, you just need to swing bigger for the fences and take some risks. Maybe that's the overall issue, it is very safe, too safe.

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

I think I agree with headkase, for the most part. Shifting monster lore -- which I think is a very useful ability for inquisitors that let them really make use of their judgments -- for holding my breath would make this pretty much a non-starter out of the gate.

Also, you misspelled grisly. Further, your description calls them emissaries of Hanspur, but then later it says they simply must follow a god with the water domain. I actually like that restriction (though I wonder if it could be argued that it's one of those restrictions that's not really a restriction?) but it doesn't gibe with your earlier text.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

OK, here goes my tuppence ha'penny.

Drowned Ferryman (Inquisitor)

Description:

The term proxy is often used as a means of describing someone who represents a higher power. So in this case, it would have been a better word to use describing that the archetype is a proxy for higher powers who provide access to the water domain. I'm not the worlds best as non clunky phrasing, but even I hit that one. :)

Now, Hanspur is a minor diety, who does provide water access, so you could have streamlined and simply made the archetype a follower of Hanspur, period. Nothing else needed, would have saved you quite a few words and you then wouldn't have needed the "Drowned" clarification, as you have limited them to Hanspur alone.

Spells.

For balance, I would have looked for some opposing spells to deny access to, maybe something earthy or rock like? I like how you were trying to build suffocation in, but your theme is water based, so I probably would only have used spells that are water based - i.e. not suffocation for example.

Hold Breath.

As said before, not exciting, water breathing would have been nicer and would have stacked better with the later powers - like submerge.

Submerge

A solid power but could have been sexed up with some physical exhibition of change/power, by entering the water and holding legs together, the legs merge into a merman tail providing a swim speed of ... sort of thing. one of the big lessons I have taken from this year is the wow factor, the sparkle and the shine - so far this entry needs more cinematics / visuals.

Out of Depth

Solid but lacking in cinematic / visuals again. I found myself asking why this happens? Also, if this is a power, then the suffocation spell is kind of overkill, especially if it stacks on this.

Is it an aura effect, if so, that's a pretty huge aura for a medium creature to have, or, does the ferryman induce their lungs to flood in some way?

Breath water.

Again, quite solid (does the creature lose it's gills - think visuals again. AND thinking it through, the extra sexy step would be to have it work both ways! Then his allies can breath water for a time!

Driftwood

Think this should be Sp and not Su, its quite powerful, but as a level 14, is around the right order. I would probably have used words saved earlier to sex up the description a little and included hints on whether it can be dis-spelled, even if only temporarily. Dispel Magic might turn it off long enough to allow capture of the ferryman and subsequent incarceration into a steel cage/prison.

In short, I think you probably hit the same problems I did this year - you need to work on your visuals as your main area to work on, I think.

Hope you found something useful in that ramble.

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