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Gorget of Living Whispers
Aura moderate conjuration and enchantment; CL 10th
Slot neck; Price 15,000 gp; Weight —
Description
This tightly fitting collar is made from blue snakeskin. Once per day, the wearer may speak a suggested course of action as a full-round action, his words coalescing into a living whisper that appears in a square adjacent to him. The living whisper is a pale, sinuous creature marked with blue runes lining its back. The living whisper uses the statistics of a fiendish venomous snake (see the Pathfinder RPG Bestiary), except that it has an Intelligence of 3 and can communicate telepathically with the wearer. Any creature bitten by the living whisper, rather than be poisoned, must succeed a Will save (DC 14) or be affected by a suggestion spell (CL 10th). This suggestion is determined when the living whisper is summoned and affects all creatures bitten. Creatures that can read Aklo can read the runes on the living whisper and know what suggestion is carried by the living whisper’s bite. A living whisper created by the gorget of living whispers remains for 1 minute or until slain.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, summon monster II, suggestion, telepathy special quality or telepathic bond; Cost 7,500 gp
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Now this is a really cool item. Some people ask me what mojo is and what I mean by an item that just has that special something that sets is apart from the others. This is one of those items. One of my early favorites.
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This is funky as all hell, and in a good way.
LOL @ Wolf's comment. :)
Contributor
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Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
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Welcome to the Top 32, Demiurge!
Someone might look at this as merely a delivery method for a suggestion spell, but, echoing Wolfgang's comment, it's a damn cool way to deliver a suggestion spell. I like that the living whisper can affect multiple targets. You did an excellent job with the item's formatting, with no errors that I could find. You could have cleaned up one awkward phrase ("...rather than be poisoned..."), but it does not detract much at all from the great item you designed.
Best of luck to you in future rounds!
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First of all, congratulations on making the Top 32! That in itself is a major accomplishment and it’s something you should take great pride in. You rock!
This is a very creepy spell-in-a-can, but I agree with Wolf that it’s one of the best SiaCs I’ve ever seen. I love the creep factor and the almost Lovecraftian flavor (ok, ok, snakes aren't typically Lovecraftian, but bear with me here). First you hit us with this completely alien ... blue (blue???) ... snake, and then you have it deliver a suggestion effect with its bite attack. That’s a neat twist. Extra points for the Aklo runes on the snake’s back that reveal the nature of the suggestion. Nice and very clever design work here. This is probably my second favorite item in this year’s contest. Fear the blue serpent!!
This item is an excellent example of Sean’s rule #27. You can have a spell in a can (SIAC) or monster in a can (MIAC) if it is an awesome item.
This item was an early favorite of mine (I saw it early on the first day of voting) and it stayed way up there as I voted more and more. I am very happy that it made the final 32. Good Job and keep up the great work.
Congrats, Nicholas. This was definitely one of the items that I read and thought, "OK, now that's pretty cool." It is a spell in a can as everyone's said, but it's a cool one.
Summon spectral snake with suggestion venom? WANT! Definitely a cool way of just up and casting a spell.
I don't ever remember getting to vote for this one. Pity.
I recognized it as spell in a can when I saw it, but as a quite cool spell in a can.
Congrats!
I didn't like the name, maybe because I had such a deluge of Chokers/Necklace/Amulet/etc.
But it is the embodiment of "it". You know it, the judges know it, and the public knows it.
Let's see your Round 2 (and maybe beyond?)!
This item really "spoke" to me when I first read it, Nicholas. And it immediately "suggested" you've done your homework from prior years. You're another of the mainstays I remember seeing from all the feedback threads in the past. So, you've likely got a great foundation from which to move with confidence through the competition. With creativity like this submission on display, I'll be looking forward to your work throughout the contest. Best of luck!
I think this one is thematically very strong, with the snakey suggestion theme and all. It feels like something I'd see in a movie, something used by an evil vizier or a dapper magespy. It's existence seems to suggest stories that would take part in, and that is a great achievement.
I'm not quite as over the moon about it's actual abilities, but I have to recommend this one just on how evocative it is.
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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This item was actually the 3rd to last new item I saw. It is a monstrous spell in a can, but the flavour worked out well and it drew me in. My only complaint: Why do the snakeskin and runes have to be blue???
I don't actually remember seeing this one during voting, so it's nice to see it now. Upon first read through I was a little unsure, but after mulling it over and reading it again, I quite like it. The flavor really elevates the concept.
Congrats and I can't wait to see what you bring to the table next!
Thank you all for your kind words! I've entered this contest since its inception (and in fact, my former roommate is former Superstar Casey Smith!), and am happy to finally get my chance to participate.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some refreshing to do on the River Kingdoms...
I hadn't seen this one before, but it goes directly into my top three favorites.
Hah! When I saw this during voting, I remember thinking "this just might be the batrachian helm of 2013". I loved it!
Wish I had such intuition on my own items ;-)
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RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
aka Mattrex
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Congratulations on making Top 32! Good luck in round two.
I liked this item, and voted for it at least once (don't remember if I saw it more than once). When I was reading it originally, it didn't even strike me as being a spell-in-a-can: it was so far removed from the "cast a spell as a standard action" baseline that it didn't even trigger that part of my brain. This is a good thing.
I like that there's a give-and-take to the effect that balances it out. It can inflict multiple opponents with suggestion, but it can also be killed--possibly before it even inflicts one person! So there's some risk and some reward for the user, meaning it's not always a guarantee that you'll want to use it.
The only quibble I have is that the item doesn't specify whether the snake can attempt to inflict the same person multiple times if the first saving throw succeeds. I'd prefer it to note whether or not an initial Will save makes the target immune to the suggestion for 24 hours, like many similar monster abilities do.
The Good: I can clearly picture using these in my minds eye and it looks creepy as hell, LOVE IT. Formatting spot on like the pricing.
The Bad: Its totally SIAC
The Ugly Limitations seem muddy, can I use this for upto 10 rounds with 10 bites? If it can only be used for such a limited duration I'd like a not that rounds of use need not be consecutive. I'm seriously just nitpicking though.
Upvoted this at least 3 times, you totally deserve top 32 best of luck!
A good item overall. Any objections I could raise are mostly matters of personal taste that have little bearing on the design itself. I do think you have some unnecessary phrases in the description (why mention poison if the thing doesn't have poison?) The bit about Aklo could also probably be left out - it just doesn't add much to it, in my opinion. But the formatting and writing are very good (although the spells are not alphabetized in the requirements section). I look forward to seeing what you do next.
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This is a SIAC with a high level of mojo. I mean through the roof, mojo. I love it and think it is one of the best in the contest. When first reading it I was confused at first. A "living whisper" that is just a monster in a can? And then the suggestion instead of poison and it all makes sense and is very cool. What a way to deliver a suggestion effect. You might be the front runner right now. You and I, I mean. Yeah, WE are the front runners. Good luck in the archetype round.
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The bit about Aklo could also probably be left out - it just doesn't add much to it, in my opinion.
I thought that was an exceptionally nice touch, because I took it to mean this is a serpentfolk item. In Golarion, the serpentfolk speak Aklo and are known for revering (and stealing) all forms of magic and spellcraft. So, a gorget (great item choice, by the way, as it immediately evokes images of snakes swallowing prey whole) which summons a small snake whose bite transmits a suggestion spell sounds like it'd be something right up their alley.
The coolest part is Nicholas didn't even have to call out those associations by unnecessarily padding his word count. The writing and concept and design choices were all tight enough, they invoked those conclusions all on their own. To me, that's a definite sign of Superstar potential. And that's why I'm really interested to see what kind of archetype he'll follow with...
...(why mention poison if the thing doesn't have poison?)...
He had to do that because he was relying on the fiendish venomous snake from the Bestiary to define the form (and mechanics) of the living whisper. And yet, he didn't want to give the item the ability to actually poison the victim on top of the suggestion effect. The venomous snake was at odds with what he wanted the item to do. And yet, he needed the vast majority of its stat-block to define what the item does.
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This thing creeps me out. So much that I think Vordrekai will be wearing one in my Kingmaker game. Loved loved loved it, congrats man!
This is one of the first items I voted on and every time I saw it, it made me happy. Good job. Well played and what what.
(a bunch of great clarifying points in response to my post.)
Ah, okay - my knowledge of serpentfolk on Golarion is virtually non-existent, so I missed that reference completely. That makes much more sense now - I typically think of aboleths and Lovecraftian aberrations when I think of Aklo.
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This thing creeps me out. So much that I think Vordrekai will be wearing one in my Kingmaker game. Loved loved loved it, congrats man!
Ohh good spot to use it, swipe....
Nicholas, congratulations on making it through with your item - and what an item!
In my opinion, from flavor to format to effect - even if it's a little simple - this is the perfect thing for superstar.
Good luck in the next rounds, though I don't know if you'll need it! ;)
Congratulations Nicholas,
This is tightly written. The sparsity of the judge's comments attest to that. Well done. Coolest can ever? Indeed, but switching the poison for suggestion takes this out of SIAC territory for me. The Aklo runes are a nice touch. I might add a bonus to the save if one knows 'hey my rogue just did that.' but maybe not. Awesome :)
Suggestion for R2: go gonzo. R2 really has to grab the voters and gonzo usually means broken. I believe this item shows you have to the chops to keep balance
Good luck & nice job!
I hated this every time I saw it. YMMV, I suppose.
Ouch!
Can you imagine one of these in a large crowd with the suggestion "incite a riot."
Bards beware!
=)
Just plain cool.
I don't remember this from voting, but very cool.
I remember when I saw this the first time, I had to re-read it to be sure I liked it and I did. Very cool visual and a very cool use of the spells. I think I voted you up a couple of times. Good Luck with Round 2.
Nicholas,
Yours was one of the first items I saw, and it was the first good one. It went straight to my Keep file. The gorget combines great visuals with tight mechanics. Plus, it taught me a new word. ;)
Congratulations!
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I love the Vordekai suggestions in this thread. Glad to see that people want to use the item in their games--the ultimate praise for a design, I think.
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and criticism alike. I hope I can wow you all with my archetype in Round 2.
This is the item that caused me to vote against my own submission. Can't wait to see more of your stuff.
I voted for this item a lot. Great visual. The mojo here is obvious.
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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I wish I had seen this in voting - this rocks! The fact that it's essentially a spell in a can or monster in a can is even funnier because it makes a snake and makes me think of the real life fake snakes in a can that spring out when you open them.
As prior entries will tell you, Template Fu is one mean point eating machine, but will also praise where praise is due.
These reviews being this in depth usually take me a while to do and they get fitted in around other demands on my time, so please bear with me if I haven’t gotten to your item yet. I will get there in the end.
Review Caveat: I try to keep things totally dispassionate and all comments herein are my own. Having not made the illustrious levels that you have achieved this year, I can only caveat that anything I propose in feedback may not be totally in line with what Paizo thinks or needs of its freelance game designers, so do consider carefully any and all feedback I make under this light.
I start your review with…
Congratulations on being selected by the public at large and then the stalwart judges!
Review Breakdown:
Template: 5/5
Perfect template use and the second in a row during my reviews! Template Fu doffs his hat to you, he did wonder about listing the spell after the ability in the either/or part of the construction, but couldn’t find quickly an example to say otherwise.
Spelling: 5/5
This bit IS boilerplate to avoid confusion. Everyone should know to use US English, so you just know that I am going to eat points for stray ‘u’ letters and similar.
Template Fu continues with his marathon watch of Heroes in his den, let’s not disturb him…
Readability: 5/5
These are readings you can get from most spelling and grammar check options in word processors, for this, I am pasting everyone’s description into Word for consistency. My grading’s are purely my own personal feelings for target scores but it should be noted these are very helpful during development to spot problems in your writing, especially passivity.
Passive Sentences 0% (wicked)
There are whole threads on this and it is possible to get 0%, which is wicked, but I would expect scores of less than 20% to be around the ideal mark for item descriptions (sometimes, you need the passive, but only rarely).
Flesch Reading Ease 54.7 (acceptable)
(0-30 best understood by university graduates, 60-70 easily understood by 13-15 year olds, 90-100 easily understood by 11 year olds)
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level 10.8 (just snuck in)
(This equates to the grades found in the US schooling system, e,g. 8.2 means it should be understandable by the average 8th grade student)
Me as a Designer Review: 4/5
Ok, let’s start with the obvious – spell in a can. Done, dusted, said, moving on.
This is going to be the shortest review, the whole thing is so tight and well executed. This is an awesome item. I have one personal niggle, but I won’t dock you for that, it’s the wall of words. I would have liked to have seen two paragraphs I think, breaking the description from the rules crunch, but that’s a purely personal thing to aide in scanning the item for a rules call at the gaming table.
But, the thing that I will dock for is this, and this is the only point lost in the whole review and I was “this” close to giving you my first ever 25/25. So I am being mean a little.
You gave the summoned living whisper an intelligence, which for me opens the can of worms about "can it now be affected by mind controlling effects?", "can it be charmed?", etc. That one thing is what cost you a point and it is the only thing I could fault in the whole entry. Giving intelligence to an item or an item's effect is almost effectively a summon familiar type level of effect. You must think such through and cover yourself on this if you do it.
Also be wary of once per day. If it's 2 rounds before midnight, and the snake lasts for longer than this (1 minute), it could be argued that around midnight, I could have 2 snakes summoned, one before and one immediately after midnight. It's always a tricky one this, and would probably mean reverting to once every 24 hours phrasing so that you have to wait a full 24 hours from activation before it can be activated again.
I will now go away, put the kettle on and sulk a little about how dang good this entry really is.
Overall Impression: 5/5
This item is so very good that I hope it isn’t going to be a case of peaked too soon. You have set an almost impossibly high bar for yourself in my expectations of your next entry.
I look forward to your archetype with great expectation!
Final Score: 24/25
I won’t give a final score comment as I haven’t for anyone else as I work through the items.
If this interests for personal reasons, please feel free to check out everyone else’s scores and at the same time check out your competition and their feedback too!
Closing, as I started…
Congratulations on being selected!