What are your favorte quotes heard at your table??
#1. "I got a ring of regeneration. do I get my orgasaims back?? (you know what he ment.)
I was gone for a session. My character ended up alone with one other character for a long period of time, which led to that player saying this:
"I would say our characters hook up, but that feels like the RPG version of rape."
One time when I was GM, the players rescued the dwarven king's daughter from a band of orcs. They didn't know who she was until their dwarf NPC friend came rushing over. I got a little too in character, and without thinking said:
"Do you know who this is?!?! The son of the dwarven king!!!!"
*Insert transvestite joke here* Ba-da-bump-chi
Once, our ADD player (and there are lots of stories about this guy!) got himself trapped in a trapper he had insisted on staying behind to 'harvest'!
He was a wizard and wanted to collect it's poisonous spines. The rest of us were impatient with his attention-seeking, so the rest of the party pushed on up the forested hill as dusk was falling. He was capable of casting seventh level spells and had some major magic items, including a rod which could Shape-Change him into a Faerie Dragon, complete with it's camouflage, invisiblity and breath weapon supernatural abilities; we had no reason to fear for his safety against a mere trapper!
The wizard had wasted Power Word: Stun on the thing, and he had 1d4 rounds (2nd ed) worth of stun, but the DM had secretly rolled the result.
DM: Okay, what are you doing?
In 2nd ed, combat rounds last one minute each, so the rest of the party was five minutes up the hill by the time the wizard got himself trapped. Our leader says, 'We best go and rescue him!' I said, 'Wait a minute! We know that he's in trouble, as players, but our characters don't know there's anything wrong! Why would we go back for him? He's a high level wizard against a stunned trapper? What could possibly go wrong? He told us to carry on and he would catch up later! We don't have a believable reason to suddenly turn back, just because we know, as players, that he's in trouble!'
Leader: We're going back for him anyway!
Party is confronted by a guy in plate mail, 20 well armed and armored thugs and an obvious wizard.
Plate mail Guy: 'Surrender now and we might only take your stuff!'
Player (leader of the group): 'Eat Hammer metal head!' (throws a throwing hammer that he has had for several levels, but never used) Roll: Nat 20!
Much huzzahs in or group!
The party was working to create an alliance between two competing civilizations, and when captured as intruders and asked "what are you doing in this city?" the party cleric very eloquently stated "we came on a message of peace."
My group have the sense of humor of gutter-minded children, an so many laughs were had.
There was also once a situation in which a dragon was demanding tribute of the party for their trespass into his lair and a player was making out-of-character comments about the posing of the miniature "looks like he knows about nine forms of martial arts," which I decided to incorporate into the styling of the dragon by having him challenge them to honorable combat for refusing to pay tribute...
The party had a character I hadn't realized was so good at grappling who pinned the dragon down, and then the party monk start flurrying kicks into dragon while shouting "That's [kick] what you get [kick] for being [kick] a dragon! [kick]"
So in our last session we fought a young white dragon that was being grappled by our enlarged dwarven fighter...dont ask....anyway the other fighter moves to behind the dragon and this is dialog that followed.
GM: "are you going to attack into the grapple?"
I know a little low brow but it got alot of laughs from my group.
I keep quotes of my groups' sessions on a regular basis. Here's a few from my Kingmaker game:
Elegy, human Oracle and future Duchess: "You know nothing about manners...."
Errol: "Elegy, don't you know about the scientific process? You stick your nose where it doesn't belong, that's how you find out stuff."
Elegy: "Are you ready to go?"
Elegy: "We've gathered some very useful intelligence!"
Errol: "So Red, what do you think we should do about these trolls?"
Elegy: "I break this swan figurine and it becomes a boat."
DM: "He [a Boggard] doesn't look like he speaks much Common."
Errol: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men, centaurs, half-elves, wolves, giant spiders, dhampirs, kobolds, whatever Auchs is, and Elegy are created equal."
Elegy to Errol: "By your own admission, you are completely untrustworthy, which makes you perfectly suited for politics, but that's neither here nor there..."
Elegy: "That's not an apology."
Jaekah: "Errol. You know more about treachery than anyone I know. Look at this."
Errol: "One of our teammates is a horse who turns things into a bloody pulp and I'm no longer trusted with doing any of the talking due to a certain incident involving a hat shop."
Errol: "She could be any kind of queen. Lizard queen, spider queen, troll queen..."
I could swear there's actually an item that lets you do this.
During Crypt of the Everflame:
GM: "... The room appears to be the site of a gruesome battle, with two bodies piled in the center and a number of skeletons scattered around. And a wailing cry can be heard -
Players: "THAR SHE BLOOOWS!!!"
GM: "... somewhere in the distance."
During a run through of one of 4E's Tomb of Horrors, my players immediately realized that the ancient runes scribed into each and every surface of the ruins were a part of some eldritch and malignant design. Their characters however, had an average Int of 9 and virtually no arcane knowledge whatsoever. They immediately decided that the best way they knew how to disrupt the rune were to carve giant phalluses everywhere. Every. Where.
"Would you f*** a cat?!?"
It was during a Vampire the Masquerade game, we were trying to impress upon a new player why having a dead cat in his fridge to feed from was gross. Granted it's not a perfect analogy, but it certainly got the point across. Plus the look on the new player's face was priceless.
Memento Mortis wrote:
I believe you with every fiber of my being.
Me: Jason! You're not hurting it because you're using a non-magical weapon. Pull out that magical dagger you found at the beginning of the quest!
Zhan: Human monk
DM: When we last left our intrepid adventurers-
Tatya: So, John, what have we learned today?
Zhan: What do I have to roll to raid the pantry?
Zhan-OOC: Zhan is heading to the market to buy ham.
Zhan: I have money.
Zhan-OOC: "What is the range on a thrown stingray?"
And the many times I've forgotten to record where the teetotaler monk has tried to force an intervention on the alcoholic witch...
I am sorry I can't help but think of Richard, from Looking For Group, reading that.
One I just had said the other night:
Our party was alseep in my Folding Boat at the edge of lakeshore, awaiting the dawn to find and kill a high level Druid.
In the middle of the night our Oracle thinks she sees a Gigantic Frog-Like creature in the water. She was scared and yet strangely unwilling to wake up the entire group. So, she shook awake my CG Dwarven Barbarian who was very tired as he just came off watch.
Oracle: "Wake up! I think I saw a horrible monster in the water!"
Barbarian: "Ah, you're just having your period."
At which point he rolled over and went back to sleep. She shrugged and went back to sleep as well....even though she was on watch for two more hours. Luckily, no attack came.
Sigh....so many more I know I have forgotten.
Level 1 Halfling Cavalier to Great Wyrm Gold Dragon(quest giver): "If you wanna fight I will stab your pinky claw so bad it will hurt for hours."
Wizard: "Here we go again... I need a drink..."
My Gunslinger Keepu "Ed" Lowe(Female): "Where is my pistol!?"
Azaelas Fayth wrote:
It was a lot funnier when the first "sacrifice" happened. We were fighting a Yellow Musk Creeper and 3 of its zombies at ~level 2 and had yet to roll higher than about a 6 on the die for to hit.
Druid decides to cast his first ever use of Summon Nature's Ally to summon a dog.
Next round it materializes and is IMMEDIATELY critted to death by the Creeper.
We rolled above 12s for the rest of the day.
My two friends were playing thieves (back in the day when they weren't rogues) and were in the process of looting a treasure chest. A monster popped out of nowhere and knocked one of them unconscious. The one that was still standing decides to retaliate:
Thief: "You hurt my friend!" *rolls a natural 1* "... And I'm not gonna do ANYTHING about it!" *dies*
In the Kingmaker game I GMed the name of the parties capital city was Ostwick. The party wizard, after having many a near death (and a couple of actual death) encounters in the first couple of books, settled on a new survival strategy:
"I teleport to Ostwick."
This became the catch-all response to any situation of any severity going forward for the wizard, then the other players, then the NPCs, then anyone in any other game we've played since.
Few things so readily bring a smile to my face as hearing a party of level 1 PCs proclaim that they are, in fact, teleporting to Ostwick as the first action of their first encounter.
Simple story, ninja with a falchion, going invisible or not he was up to two attacks. The number of times he crit on his "half-hearted slice" was crazy.
"I make a half-hearted slice. Natural 20, 20, hit".
Sometimes insta-kills, at times doing more on his last than on his first. That ninja really ended his attacks very well. It became like a special ability and a running joke.
Another one from the "famous last words" catagory...
DM: "Ok, you have been caught. There are 10 guards pointing crossbows at your chest. The guard captain tells you to surrender."
From this week's session:
GM: "And 9 dogs walk around the corner. Roll initiative."
*Arkanis rolls a 23 (he goes first)*
Arkanis: "DIE B*$@$ES"
*Rolls 11 for damage on Stone Call*
GM: "They're all dead."
Arkanis (OOC): "Seriously? How many HP did they have?"
GM: "Six. I hope you're proud of yourself, you just crushed 9 puppies with a ton of gravel."
Slight necro but this was too good not to share.
At the end of last session, our GM mentioned we MAY end up going to hell to reconcile our Sorcerer's parentage with his distinct lack of Devilish power (he's the son of Asmodeus).
"Okay, cool, see you guys next time. Hopefully I'll be able to skip church so I won't miss anything."
Everybody starts busting out laughing.
"Yeah man, hopefully. You can prove everyone right by skipping church so you can GO TO HELL."