Spellmanteau


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I introduce the cousin to the comically mispelled spell:

THE SPELLMANTEAU.

1. Take a spell.
2. Mash it together with something else, portmanteau style.
3. Profit?


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St. Elmo's Fireball - You point your finger and unleash a howling ball of Emilio Estevez which deals 1d6 contractual damage. For every added caster level, you may add to the ball an additional brat pack actor or actress from the cast of Breakfast Club or St. Elmo's Fire for an additional 1d6 of damage.

Shield of Faith no More - You are surrounded by 1d4 axe wielding musicians who act as meat shields.

Silver Crusade

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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Grease Lightning Target creature takes 1d4 electricity damage/level (Max 5d4) and drops anything held (Reflex Negates).

Colour Spray & Wipe 15 ft. Cone. Creatures who fail a Will Save are Dazed. Make a CMB check (Caster Level + Int Mod + 5) against the CMD of anyone caught in the spell, creatures are moved to the outside edge of the cone if you succeed.


Remove Analysis Paralysis Removes target player's ihibitions and causes them to go with the first action that comes to mind.

Freedom of Bowel Movement needs no explanation.

Hold Monster Mash stops cheesy halloween song from playing, though it gets to save every round.

Cloudkill 9 Targets suffer euphoric hallucinations while they suffocate!


DM_aka_Dudemeister wrote:

Grease Lightning Target creature takes 1d4 electricity damage/level (Max 5d4) and drops anything held (Reflex Negates).

I think this should actually be put into an expanded arcana book!


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Intercontinental Ballistic Misdirection - While this spell is active, if you would be affected by a spell or spelllike effect and the caster does not have line of sight to you, the spell is instead redirected to your nearest foe.

Word of Recall Me Maybe - A somewhat less effective version of the popular teleportation spell. On a percentile roll of 25%, the caster is instead transported to a teenybopper concert.


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heliopolix wrote:


Freedom of Bowel Movement needs no explanation.

Handy for wizards who are getting on in years!

Scarab Sages

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Ray of Robert Frost - Two rays emerge from your fingertips, you take the one leas traveled by, and that makes all the difference.

Magic School Bus Missile - Sends monsters on 1d4+1 terrifying field trips with no saving throw, caster gets a silly dress and a chameleon familiar.

Acid Trip Arrow - 3d6 points of purple and blue and ohmygodswowit'sfullofstars damage, plus 1 round of flashbacks per 3 levels.

Ring of Fireball - 1d6 damage/level, and it burns, burns, burns....

Black President Tentacles - Tentacles grapple with economy, kill terrorists, make Republicans go insane.

Finger of Death Star - Target planet must save or die.

Silver Crusade

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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Breath of Life of Brian Dying or dead creature immediately spouts Monty Python references.

Bestow Curse and Swear Words Target creature learns 1d6 synonyms for #£&@$!


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Psychoanalyze Dweomer discover what target enchantment does, and why it has daddy issues.

Walking on Sunbeam pop song does 1d6/2 levels to listener, or 1d8/level to people who are vulnerable to happiness (like Goths).

Zone of Truthiness determines if the subject is saying what "feels right" or is Steven Colbert.

Purify Food and Drink and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Die encourages some good old fashioned fun.


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Telekinetic Charge of the Light Brigade - You may launch up to 600 allies into battle at a distance of half a league. Most of them will probably die, though.

Feather Fallout - Infuse one tiny or diminutive object with nuclear radiation. The object gains a nuclear aura of 15 feet and deals 1d6 negative energy damage per round to anyone within that aura.


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Pathfinder Rulebook Subscriber

Burning Jazz Hands you wiggle your spirit fingers, setting yourself, and all adjacent creatures on fire.

Color Spray 'n Pray as a full round action, you can move your speed while blasting all enemies in your vicinity with blindingly colorful lights. Enemies targeted this way have concealment against you.

Finger of Deathklock this is the darkest, most brutal, way to die ever. Ever!

Flesh to Rolling Stones target must make a Will save or be permanently turned into a random member of the popular British rock band.


Summon Nature’s Ally McBeal - The less said about this spell the better.

Blue Blood Rage - a targeted member of the 1% becomes furious and calls its senator.


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Chill Out Touch - Melee touch attack, target must make a Will save or just be cool with what's goin' on.

Pull My Finger of Death - Compels target to pull caster's finger releasing a cloud of poisonous vapors centered on the caster.

Floating Compact Disk - Animates one optical disk (CD, DVD, or Blu-Ray) to fly across the room into the player, eliminating the need to get your lazy butt off the couch.

Arcane Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - Summons a terrible '90s hip-hop band who play for 1 minute per caster level. All in earshot must make a Will save or be nauseated.

Telepathic Bond, James Bond - Imbues the super-spy with ESP.


And throwing some feats into the mix as well, cause hey, why not?

Stunning Critical Reception - they love you, they really love you!

Death or Fortune and Glory, Kid - you may explain the Pathfinder Society to Short Round.

Hairpin down - use momentum and a sharp corner to grapple an opponent. "CORNER!"


Spurious Focus while making an attack with a two handed weapon, you can stop the game to argue about a typo in this feet.

Baboon Companion replaces your animal companion with a baboon. Pretty straightforward.

Scarab Sages

Power Ranger Attack - +5 damage against monstrous humanoids and putties; merchandising makes you ungodly rich.


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Chain of Command - Caster organizes a single target into a certain ranking. The target will act the part for 1 round.

Obscure Mist - Caster is covered up by a kind of fog you probably haven't heard about (it's pretty underground).

Double Rainbow Pattern - 24 HD of creatures are left totally awestruck trying to determine the meaning for the double rainbow.

Antimagic Field of Play - All non-magical game actions take place within 10 feet of the caster for 10 minutes/level.

Cure Serious Business - Removes 3d8 Wisdom + 1/level (max +15); makes target have no sense of seriousness.

Jump for Joy - Caster gets bonus on Acrobatics checks whenever he/she succeeds in an objective.

One More Time Stop - Time stops for the duration of 1d4+1 Daft Punk songs.


Adderall Strike – A target with more than one attack must chill out and calm down. Target loses all those spastic attacks for 1d4 rounds.

Reclusive Redirection – force your opponent off your damn lawn.

Gore Vidal Strike – Snarky commentary reduces one target to tears and leaves them helpless for 1 round.

Nothing but Net and Trident – Use your trident to net enemy heads from downtown.


Wall of Irony -- Oh, right! That's totally going to work. [rolls eyes].

Phantasmal iPod Killer -- conjures one Microsoft Zune.

Shatter Your Confidence -- target must make a Will save or give up in dejection.

Waves of Army Fatigues -- Target is buried in a pile of camouflaged uniforms.

Scarab Sages

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Animate Grateful Dead - brings the band back together, and yes, including Jerry Garcia

Ruby Manta Ray of Reversal - dispels magic, eats plankton, is stunningly beautiful

(Sega) Genesis - creates demiplanes populated by luddite-punk hedgehogs


I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
Animate Grateful Dead - brings the band back together, and yes, including Jerry Garcia.

It works, but it's not pretty.


*snivel* So proud *sniff* I'M NOT CRYING!

Sadly, I got nothing. I think it was one of those spells...


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Back, and with Wondrous Items!

Apparatus of the Imitation Crab - Enchanted food processor transforms 1 pound of Alaskan Pollock into "crab" spread. All creatures who see the spread must make a will save or spend 1d4 rounds helping themselves to "just one more cracker."

Bag of Withholding - Gold put into the Bag of Withholding is deducted from your Wealth by Level, allowing you to complain to the GM that you are underpowered.

Efficient Quivering in Your Boots - Magical boots make fear more efficient. -2 to all fear based will saves, but any fear effects only last for one round and can be dismissed with a move action.


Pot of mock-mock-turtle soup: This cursed pot is always filled with mock turtle soup... which constantly shouts mocking insults at anyone who eats from it.


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Boobs of Striding and Springing the latest magical augmentations from California enhance the owner's bouncy athleticism.

Lunchblade this diamond tip blade is guaranteed to never dull, carve a mean turkey sandwich, and allows you 1 reroll/day.

Staff of Head-On casts Cure Critical Wounds for 1charge when you APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!


A couple from my baker alchemist's recipe book:

Crafter's Fortune Cookie

Tongues Sandwich

(not to be confused with Evard's Black Dillpickles)

And another just occurred to me:

The Ruby Rod of Lordly Might This fabulous! martial aid can transform between a hairpick, a microphone, and an impressive hairpiece. In hairpick mode, it is a +3 Short Trident, and constantly emits jingle music. In microphone mode, one charge to summon a camera crew, one charge to summon 2d6 swooning fans. One use in twelve, a dozen orcs are instead summoned, but they are willing to negotiate. As a hairpiece, counts as a Hat of Disguise, but all clothing must be Faaabulous!


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Super green!


I was just thinking that most of these things could totally make an appearance in Munchkin.

Might have to petition Steve Jackson.


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Happy Fun Ball Lightning An all-ages weapon of mass destruction! Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 (or non-human racial equivalent) should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball Lightning. Happy Fun Ball Lightning may be magnetically attracted to certain types of skin. Caution: Happy Fun Ball Lightning may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball Lightning contains a plasma core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on adamantine. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball Lightning should be returned to its special scrollcase and kept under chill touch. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball Lightning, Wacky Sorcerers Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Alchemy Unlimited, of any and all liability. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball Lightning.


World Wide Web - reflex save to avoid grapple, will save to avoid loss of free time.


Wail of the Banhammer Will save vs. Death [Fear] and Expulsion from the community, no save.


Cure/Inflict Lightbulb Wounds, the bane of electricians everywhere.

Obscuring Mistborn, making the Sanderson trilogy very difficult to read and understand.

Ear-Piercing Teen and navel piercing, and nose piercing...


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Stoner Sense - You know where the nearest bodega is and where the last Funyun fell.

Spelling Bane - Target is unable to remember if it's i before e or the other way around.

Sappy Master - You are skilled at composing treacly sweet and sentimental sayings.


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Enlarge Personal Space For those times when you just want some breathing room.

Lantern Lodge RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16

Reckless Driving Infatuation: Causes the target to take -20 on checks while piloting vehicles.

Irresistable Riverdance: Self-explanatory

Floating Disco: Summons a ball of twinkling colored lights and plays out of this world music; negates Irresistable Riverdance

Breath of Lifeguard: Like Breath of Life, but only for those who have drowned/slain by water elementals.


Black Powder Chocobo wrote:

Breath of Lifeguard: Like Breath of Life, but only for those who have drowned/slain by water elementals.

I assume it costs more for the nicer-looking one...

Golembane Scare Abs: This item causes muscly golems' abs to deflate to wimpy levels.

Lantern Lodge RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16

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Shocking Grasping at Straws: Targets each take turns debating and the first one to ramble on with a poor argument gets electrocuted (great for political elections!)

Reduce Personal Responsibility: Summons a team of lawyer devils who argue that your actions are legal any fallout from those actions (or lack thereof) are someone else's problem.

Obscure Objection!: A man with spikey hair and a blue suit, shrouded in mist shouts 'Objection', dealing 1d4 damage and half blinds an enemy from an over exaggerated finger poke. Counters Reduce Personal Responsibility.

Dancing with the Stars' Lantern: Summons the lantern of a celebrity to light your path. It will always look better than your lantern.

Band Aid: Boosts the range of a musical bardic performance with an accompaniment of unseen servants playing instruments for you.

Elemental Speech Therapy: Teaches an elemental to speak Common in a human accent.

Compassionate Ally McBeal: Summons a scrawny single female lawyer to fight for your cause.

Hideous Slaughter: Any enemy slain by you has its body explode in a shower of blood, pus, and internal organs. Great for Fist of the North Star monks.

Unnatural Luster: Makes the target REALLY shiny. Bald targets can use their heads to aim light to blind enemies.

Phantom Menace Trap: Summons Jar Jar Binks. It's a TRAP!

Rope Cheap Trick: Lassos bards who want you to want them.

Relationship Status: Monitors how you and your target are doing together.

Track Shipment: Adds Delivery Confirmation to any Message, Missives, or similar spells used.

Breakdance Enchantment: Similar to Irresistable Dance, but much cooler.

Righteous Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: Summons teenagers in colored costumes to fight for your deity's cause.

Sonic Pelvic Thrust: SCHWING!

EDIT: Realized tocath beat me to the Ally McBeal /shake tiny stick figure fist

Iron Man Body: Yes, it is as cool as it sounds.

Weird Al: No explanation needed

Vanilla Ice Body: Word to yo' motha.


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Cloak of Captain Chaos Transforms caster into... Dum-Dum-DUUUMMM! CAPTAIN CHAOS! Can only be cast during transcontinental auto races.

Circle of Death Metal Summons a group of the ancient fell bards known as Amon Amarth. All who hear them shall tremble.

Enlarge Personal Watercraft Transforms a JetSki into a yacht.

Detect Law Enforcement Officer Lets you know when it's safe to exceed the speed limit.


Black Powder Chocobo wrote:


EDIT: Realized tocath beat me to the Ally McBeal /shake tiny stick figure fist...

Mwuhuhahaha!

Scarab Sages

Animate Bread - This.

Scarab Sages

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Wooden Phallus - creates 1d4+2 pleasure golems to...serve you.

Conjure Blood Pudding - feeds 2 humanoids/level, or one Scotsman.

Beagle Aerie - AKA rite of Snoopy.

Wok Through Space - as interplanetary teleport, plus a gourmet in-flight meal.

Maize - banishes subject to The Cornfield.


Led Zeppelin Blades: Helpful for when you reach the western shore.

Defying Gravity Bow: What does it do? Unless you try you'll never know.


Deathwatchmen - Reveals how near death subjects within 30 ft. were... thirty-five minutes ago.

Detect Marianne Faithful - Give the caster a ten round warning before a bard performs "The Memory Remains" giving him the opportunity to say yes, or at least say hello.

Divine's Flavor - Makes any food taste like a long dead morbidly obese drag queen.

Endure Elementary - Allows caster to tolerate lower quality adaptations of the works of Arthur Conan Doyle for 10 rounds/level.

Hawaiientropic Shield - Covers caster with a thin layer of oil that protects him from the effects of Sunlight.


Know the Enemy Mine - Caster receives +20 enhancement bonus to Knowledge (80's Science Fiction).

Mighty Fist of the North Star - Make an unarmed strike attack roll against a target, who must make a fortitude save or die from headsplosion.

Swallow Your Fear Factor - Allows caster to gain sustenance from insects, as well as animal genitals and anuses. Provides +5 bonus on the Hagfish Challenge.

(That's not me being gross. Look it up. That show was weird.)

Shadow Lodge

Create junk food and water-based beverage- conjures 1d6+1 bags of chips and 1d8-1 sodas

Shadow Lodge

Holey word- punctures holes in all surrounding evil creatures

Shadow Lodge

Rod of blunder- as rod of wonder but always targets you and only has bad effects,
Also make a reflex everytime you move to avoid tripping over your armor or robe and falling prone, take -20 on all dex, Cha and int based checks

Shadow Lodge

Summon monster energy drink- summon highly caffeinated potion of haste


Admonishing Ray Romano - Your voice travels through time, space, and dimensions to inform an aging comedian how disappointing his career path has become to great comedic effect.

Kool-Aid - +1 on attack rolls and saves against fear, +4 enhancement bonus to damage when attempting to break down doors and walls.

Arrow of Law & Order - In the world of Golarion the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The inquisitors who investigate unholy incursions and the paladins who smite the offenders. These are their stories. - +1 bonus/3 lvls to Smite Evil/Destruction Judgement damage when attacking with a bow or crossbow.

Augary Busey - Questions are answered cryptically by a man addled by a head injury and chronic drug use.

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