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Paizo rejected my script, under old Guidelines

Scenario Submission Talk

Liberty's Edge *****

But I would like constructive criticism on it
The Temple of the Maharaja

Two Pathfinder spies in Niswan have submitted some disturbing reports recently.
First each spy reports that the Aspis Consortium has uncovered a well preserved ancient
temple erected by Maharaja Khiben-Sald nearly 2000 years ago. Secondly , each of the
pathfinder spies accused the other of being a double agent for the Consortium.
Act 1: Investigation:
Pathfinders search the homes of the two spies, uncover which is the double agent,
and learn the location of the Maharaja's temple. Within the first home the players find
Mae Jald, laying dead on the floor. A DC 15 heal check can determine she has been dead
for less than a day, killed by poisoning. <Encounter Tier 1-2: Venomous Snake; Tier 3-
4: 3x Venomous Snake; Tier 6-7: Advanced Giant Venomous Snake x 2> PC's in this
house find a hidden (DC 12 perception) scroll case sticking out of her desk slightly.
Inside are communications between Mae Jald and a local Consortium Researcher named
Vorel. These communications lead players to a false temple (see Act 2).
In the house of Torin Balek, PC's find nothing of note, it has been cleared out as if
by someone in a hurry. Also it has communications with Vorel that seem angry and
argue over who should claim the Temple they discovered together. The house is being
watched by the Wizard Vorel. Alerted by an alarm spell on the house he drinks his
potion of invisibility and casts Summon Monster <1, 2, or 4> from his wand <5
charges>. Vorel is not in this fight to the death, and if he cannot defeat the pc's with his
wand he walks away while invisible. If he can defeat the PC's he will interrogate them.
If Vorel takes any hit points of damage he will surrender. Vorel believes Torin's intent is
to turn the Temple over to the Consortium and take all the credit. Vorel may be
convinced to join the pathfinder society with a dc 25 diplomacy check, the DC is reduced
by 5 if they promise him recognition as discoverer.

After the investigation at the two houses PC's are likely to go searching for the
uncovered temple, if they follow the map in the home of Mae Jald, they wind up walking
onto the grounds of the famed Monastery of the Stone Fist. PC's will be ambused by the
Monks there who will attempt to disarm them, and will not attempt to do lethal damage,
but only disarm and grapple. They will notice the same earthen statues inside the
monastery that are all around the city of Niswan. presenting another opportunity for
Osirion PC's to note the composition of the statues. While talking with the leader of the
monastery, if PC's mention that the Temple of Maharaja Khiben-Sald is about to be
entered, the monk will grow wide eyed and claim that this is impossible. At that point, or
when the conversation of "Why are you here?" otherwise grows stale the statues will
begin to animate (Earth elementals) The monk will hand ask the PC's if they have
anything to do with this and explain that ancient legends say that the statues can be

controlled from the Temple of Earth. He gives directions to it's true entrance and
explains that these statues are meant to defend Niswan and the monastery in times of
great need. He will ask the PC's to go and get the intruder out of the temple while he and
his monks attempt to protect the citizens of the city.

The entrance to the temple is guarded by Earth Elementals (tier appropriate) and
the PC's must defeat them in order to gain entrance into the temple. Inside the temple is a
large room with an altar at the front. The building itself is little more than a rocky hill
from the outside with what appears to be a cave as an entrance, but inside it is clearly a
marvel of stonework, as the stone appears to be a church complete with pews and isles
crafted of naturally growing rock formations. At the front of the Church is Torvin with
some scrolls spread across a jade altar. His concentration appears disrupted as the PC's
enter the room and his guard dog barks to alert him. He drops a Jade figurine onto the
ground which turns into an Earth Elemental and sets his dog to attacking the PC's.

Grand Lodge ****

I'm not a published author and am just a PFS player and GM, so I'm not sure how much I can add. But if you're still keen, let me know and I'll PM you my feedback.

Liberty's Edge *****

KestlerGunner wrote:

I'm not a published author and am just a PFS player and GM, so I'm not sure how much I can add. But if you're still keen, let me know and I'll PM you my feedback.

Im not published either but I'd like to be, so any feedback is great, mostly I'm concerned about my writing style, so any help in that area could be a big deal to me. But if you see anything that you think could help me perform better then please let me know.

*** Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010

Quick one, the word 'will'.

It's not needed, and brings a future tense to the writing.

"who will attempt to disarm them"

"who attempt to disarm them"

Good luck with your next submission.

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