I'm looking for Golarion-ish Jokes to use that are G to PG-13. Would you advise on any good sources for said jokes? All my Google searches and searches on these forums came up pretty sparse.
-Something about the red wizards showing up at your house once a month and making your wife all pissy.
-"One time I saw this mage chick, she was covered from head to toe in tattoos, and I thought to myself 'self, I wonder what's under all those tattoos that she's trying to hide from all of us?' Well, I'll tell you one thing, she was hiding a lot of talent and not a lot of brains, and that's how I like 'em!" (This one's from the first Pathfinder comic, regarding the iconic sorcerer, cuz she's hot and gets hit on in a tavern, LOL)
-"...and the sonovab$@%# was RIDING a MAMMOTH! I yelled up to him 'how's the weather up there?' and he said 'Smelly.' Because he was riding a mammoth! HAHA!"
most cowboy and wild west jokes are easily converted.
a dwarf rides into town, ties up his horse and enters the tavern. When he comes back out his horse is gone. The dwarf walks back in with a lot of bravado and proclaims "I am going to drink one more ale and if my horse isn't right back where I left it when I came in, the same thing that happened in (insert other small community far enough away so that news doesn't travel to fast) last week is going to happen here.
How do you confuse a goblin? Put him in a bag of holding and tell him to pee in the corner.
How does the goblin confuse you? He comes out, says he's done, and the bag is on fire.
Did you hear about the Andoran that finally shut up?
I think he meant 'A small medium at large' but that could just be me.
Nice. Here my list that I use now:
Jokes at the Table:
Two elves walk into a bar; the halfling goes right under it.
What do you get with two Goblins and a neddle and thread? Two ugly dollies for the Kids.
What did the Whispering Tyrant put on before meeting Arazni? Lich Shtick.
How can you tell if an Andoran is in the party? You can't, until the coup de grâce.
What did Abrogail Thrune II say after she took control of Cheliax? The devil made me do it.
Q: How many pirates does it take to set fire to a lantern?
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
How do you make a tissue dance?
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw"
two guys walk into a bar, which is weird because you'd think the 2nd one would have seen it....
What should you do if you're attacked by a bunch of clowns?
Getting attacked by laughing hyenas is not as funny as it sounds.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet
I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let’s make this more interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.
Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
How come the skeleton couldn't go to the halloween party?
I was going to the clairvoyants' meeting, but it was canceled due to unforeseen events.
Did you know that the best contraceptive for old people is nudity?
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
why do elephants have wrinkles?
Seven days without a pun makes one WEAK!
Why did the Orchestra go to jail?
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
Applied for a job as a gold prospector
What did the baker say to the bread?
Have you got paid yet?
So you punched her in the ovaries?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
Do you know how much a Cremator makes?
A rogue who stole a calendar got twelve months.
I saw a Beaver show last night.
It was an emotional wedding.
The magician got so mad he pulled his HARE out.
When a clock is hungrey it goes back FOUR seconds.
It's raining cats and dogs.
A new broom just came out.
I eat food all the time...CHEW story.
Did you hear about the cross-eye teacher?
When the light went out on my lantern I was DELIGHTED.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
There was a hold found in the nudist camp wall.
Atheism is a non-PROPHET organization.
An artist was found dead at home..details are SKETCHY.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
An invisible couple started a family.
Haven't I seen that cow before?
You can't have a one-night stand with a quadriplegic.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm CLEAN now.
I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the PATIENTS.
How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?
Did you hear about the Cannibal who DUMPED his girlfriend?
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
How do you make holy water?
What do you call an Aligrator in a vest?
You can tune a piano, but you can't TUNA fish.
Man who fart in church sit in own Pew.
Frail Fortune-telling Bare-foot Hermit with Bad Breath,
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who jumps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Pig that is not amusing is a boar.
Time flies like an arrow.
Man who falls into a vatof molten glass makes a spectacle of himself.
If you want a pretty nurse, you got to be patient (Heal)
Why do noses run and feet smell?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?
Does the rule "Every rule has an exception," have an exception?
Jokes about lawyers and mother in laws would work. Here is a classic edit a bit
An elf, a dwarf, and a halfling walk into a bar and order three ales. As they're drinking their ale, a swarm of flies comes in, and one fly lands in each of their mugs. The elf pushes his mug of ale away disdainfully and refuses to drink any more. The halfling picks the fly out of his ale, shrugs his shoulders, and goes back to drinking it. The dwarf picks the fly out of his ale, shakes it violently, and yells, "Spit it out, you wee bugger!!!"
They were married by candle-light, but the marriage lasted only a wick.
Are Albino Polar Bears black?
What did the the whale say to the other whale? I am going in for the krill.
How do Vampires shave?
Q: How many Goblins does it take to turn on a lamp?
(Hold hand up to forehead) A: One
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I wondered why the Greataxe was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
Mummies are bound to be uptight.
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
To write with a broken quill is pointless.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
Lightning bolt sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
The guy who invented the knock-knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.
That's Otter Nonsense! (Lie, Lying)
I once went into a Tavern that had two signs. They said "Help Wanted" and "Self Service". So I hired myself!
Getting over erectile dysfunction? How hard can it be?
Buried a corpse in the wrong plot. I made a grave error.
Wanna come on an Adventure? Urine for a Treat!
I heard about this Sorcerer who was always falling though trap doors. It was a stage he was going though.
Ah yes, well as it's somewhat of a specialty of mine, here's a few I use during combat to "inspire" the party:
Have you heard of the orc and the celestial being who had a son together? They named him Gabriel the Orc-Angel.
What do you call a wizard searching caves for arcane magic? A spellunker.
A cleric arrived at a foreign city to help heal the king who had been badly cut. He walked up to the city gate and said "Take me to your bleeder."
I once met an aloof sorceress of the silver draconic bloodline. Her breath weapon was an Ice Queen cone.
Centaurs are self-charging.
I bought a chair from an orc who makes magic wicker furniture by practicing orcane magic. He favors the sit-a-spell.
I automatically increase my riding dog's AC when I'm on him since he then has Barding.
Why do dogs make good clerics? Because you can teach them to heel.
Why are magic users called casters? 'Cause that's how they roll.
Why did the king call in his podiatrist during a siege of his castle? He was suffering from fallen archers.
Have you heard about the cavalier who named his mount Amex? He never left home without it, always tried to charge everything on it, and it wasn't accepted in most business establishments.
Why do barbarians get thrown out of bars when they fight? Because they're under rage.
Two psionicists walk into a bar. The second one says "I'll have the same thing."
What did the tree say when it became Spring? Whoosh, what a re-leaf.
The longest arrow I have isn't in my quiver.
This is why we can't have ice things.
I feel like we're drifting apart...maybe it's time we sea otter people.
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.
Sign language, apparently, is pretty handy.
To write with a broken quill is pointless.
Mummies are bound to be uptight.
I started writing a novel about a guy with a garden - it didn't have much of a plot.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really a play on words.
(joke) on first aid: "So I'm doing first aid in a village to pay for the next leg of my journey, and this burly guy comes into my tent and says "he hurts everywhere" … "when I touch my head, it hurts. When I touch my arm, it hurts. When I touch my leg, it hurts. -- So I say "you're a half-orc, aren't you?" and he's like "I usually pass for human! How did you know?"… and I say: "Your finger is broken."
*(joke) on Dwarves: "A long time ago before I was a priest I did first-aid at an apothecary for the folks normally too poor to afford a potion. And one day with the Alchemist out, a dwarf came in asking about… well… a "potion of Ardency" if you know what I mean… So I get the vial for him and he asks: "How long does it last?" and I tell him "4 hours, exactly." and then he asks: "How much does it cost?" and I tell him: "50 platinum, exactly." and he says to me: "I'm not paying 50 plat for a measly extra 15 minutes."
*(Joke) How do you know when an Elven archer is out of ammo? He switches to the stick up his butt as a backup weapon."
One of the earlier posts had a link to the Gazebo story, and on the same site was this one which made me laugh....
Party approaches bridge guarded by humungous troll with equally sized two-handed troll maul. The party stops short of the bridge .
The troll looks on and shouts 'SEND FORTH YOUR BEST RIDDLER!'
There is heated argument about who is the best riddler among the players...
'I should go!'....'I have the best intelligence' etc...
Finally one of the players marches up to the troll. 'I'm the best riddler!' he announces brightly.
The troll splats him dead. 'I hate riddlers.'
(Joke) At a meal: (while others fill plates, take meal in a napkin) If asked… "I'm a cleric, I cannot use plate at my level!"
(joke) on being at a social gathering: "Is this a treasure chamber? 'Cause they're I'm detecting that there are several large chests in the room!"
*(joke) "So these sentries are approached by a couple of minotaurs trying to cross a bridge they are bound to defend… and the Captain says: "Now wait just a minotaur two."
(joke) One day I was out in a village market north of the city, and I saw a farmer's boy asking his father about his heritage. He asks: "Why is our country called Ustalav, father?" and his father says: "Because Ustalav miles to go before you rest, Ustalav a government in political turmoil, and Ustalav a heritage of slavery to the undead." Then we all laughed.
*(joke) In the initial years of the reign of the whispering tyrant some pretty harsh laws got passed. At one point, to consolidate his powers, his deathlords advised (logistically, not literally) that most everything central to propping up the people in the cities should be left in place, everything extraneous should be removed and transported to the provinces to deter invasion. To which Tar-Baphon replied -- "You're right - strip all the skin and muscle from most citizens and send it to the frontier, that will teach them not to invade." - "…It might have turned out to be a good move for him though, skeletons can make good labor, and the mountains of rotting flesh were horrifying deterrents every year all the way up to the burning crusade!"
(joke) On travel/pilgrims: "for years I've heard stories of undead walking among the people in Ustalav, even before but especially after the occupation of the Whispering Tyrant. My sect had stories, even jokes about the purges and hunts that went into weeding out the more convincing predators -- the only certainty being they knew they never caught them all: (pause) 'So three pilgrims meet at a crossroads and line up at a food vendor that makes his living selling meals to travelers at the junction. The first pilgrim says: "I will have the watermelon, I will drink the juice to refresh me, then eat the fruit to sustain me on my journey. Then second pilgrim says: I will have some bread, it is lighter and it shall sustain me just the same. The third pilgrim looks at the other two and says… "how much for just a fork?"
(joke) On Orcs of the Beltzen range: "How do Orcish raiders hide in the forest?" A: "They paint their balls red and hide in the apple trees." "Have you ever seen an orc in an apple tree?" "No? Then be on your guard -- we must assume this stratagem is quite effective."
(Joke) On the peculiar ways of gnomes: When I began my studies as a cleric I spent a great deal of time with secular folk, reading secular texts. I was talking with an old gnome who said: "Back in my gnome-hold, we have learned 99 different ways to please our partners. Couples practice day and night, sometimes for centuries, and I'm pretty well convinced my wife and I tried everything that's possible." -- "I, being a young lad, was quite impressed with this and confided: "I've only ever done the one thing. I lie atop my partner and…" (making gesture insinuating copulation) "Oh My!!" Interrupted the Gnome. "I think you've found number 100!"
(joke) On the Kellid: "One day a high priest of Desna came upon a rocky outcrop, where he saw a peasant of Ustalav flailing in the waters of lake Encarthan. When he ran out to help him, he saw that two Kellid warriors were already at the shore, and had in fact gotten a rope around his waist. The High Priest says: "It brings me great hope to see the Indigenous peoples and the men of Ustalav can still find occasion to help each other." and with that he sped off. Seeing him go, One Kellid asks to the other: "Do the Ustalav not know how to fish?"
(Joke) On Ustalavians being hard-bitten: "So an Elf from Meiriani Wood, a Halfling from the River-Kingdoms, and a warrior from Ustalav have all been captured by orcs while traveling beyond the Lastwall. The orcs tell them that for their trespass on the ancestral lands of the orcs, they are to be bound to a rack in the morning, and their skin will be flayed from them to make an orcish war-canoe. However, as the orcs are not wholly uncivilized, they would allow a final request to each of them. The elf says: "Give to me some poison." and he drinks it, so that he might not be skinned while alive. The Halfling asks for a rope, so that he may hang himself and he too, will not be skinned while he yet lives. The Ustalavian thinks for a moment, and asks for a fork. The orcs are befuddled by this, but comply to his odd request -- with which he begins stabbing himself all over and shouting "Good luck with your Canoe!!"
(Joke) On mages: "You can't spell Damage without Da-Mage!"
(Joke) On fighters: "You cannot trust cavaliers who retire to become merchants. It is only their nature to charge at every opportunity."
(joke) "The first decree of the Fisticuffs guild is… One doth not discuss the matters of the fisticuffs guild."
Belkzen Orcs have historically invaded far afield of their homeland, raiding and even assisting in the conquest of countries like Ustalav. Besides, I'd find it hard to believe, map or no, that barring deserts there would be no forests in the confines of any country in a temperate zone. None of the mountains as I remember them look wooded on the maps -- but I believe that is a distinction of clarity, not necc. that there are no trees on those mountains. likewise, there can be wooded areas on plains or hilly terrain and not be listed if it is not the defining feature. HOWEVER, unless that question was itself asked as a joke to wind me up... it detracts from the scope of this thread. :D
A rogue, a paladin, and a wizard are all walking in the mountains.
The rogue walks into a cave, and discovers that it is a dragon's hoard, with an ancient red dragon sitting on a mountain of treasure! He carefully speaks past the dragon, takes all the treasure he can carry, and then sneaks out again.
The paladin walks into a cave, and discovers that it is a dragon's hoard, with an ancient red dragon sitting on a mountain of treasure! He walks up to the red dragon, slaps it in the face, and yells "Hey, wake up and fight me, coward!"
The wizard walks into a cave, and discovers that it is a dragon's hoard, with an ancient red dragon sitting on a mountain of treasure! The wizard Dominates the dragon, and has the dragon go through all of his treasure for him. Then the wizard pockets the one spellbook that was at the bottom of the pile of treasure, gives the dragon the rest of his treasure back, and then walks away whistling.
You're missing a punch line there buddy.
The monk walks into a cave, and discovers that it is a dragon's hoard, with an ancient red dragon sitting on a mountain of treasure! He was quite tasty.
Stupid guy ran into a cactus. What a prick.
I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.
Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.
A bra is a booby trap.
If you are looking to learn how to tie knots you should look for a knot-for-profit organization?
So that's what you're talon me? I'm screeching mad!
I got a tattoo with your name on it. It says "Your Name".
A noble walked into a tavern and ordered a meal, but when it came he refused to pay, citing he owned the local area.
The publican confronted the noble and said, "You may be in the aristocracy, but in this tavern it's a dictatorship, so pay up!"
The noble replied, "I don't have to pay. What makes you think your establishment is a dictatorship?"
The publican retorted, "I'm the dick, and this is my 'tater chip," as he ate a chip off the noble's plate. "Pike off!"
With that, the publican took the meal away.