Wait... You do what?...

[Shinma the Lost]

playing WE be Goblins one of the goblins ends up getting a vial of alchemists fire. She doesn't have the Intelligence score to figure out what it is so she assumes it must be a drink drink she downs the bottle of Alchemist fire.

[Jaelithe]

Thus giving a whole new meaning to the word "firewater."

[nosig]

a friend of mine was handed a Barbarian PC to play during a game, one that had been drawn up by someone not at the game and not strongly reviewed by the players.

Getting into the character, she began "speaking like a barbarian" things like "Thog hit monster with big ax" or "Thog say - that best you got?"

This goes on for several hours into the game, everyone having fun and the story comes to an area where everyone needs to anounce their INT (I think there was an INT check for something) and she glances down and notices that this barbarian has a high INT... something like a 16. Everyone buy her is speechless and take a second to look at her. "W'ut? Thog not stupid, Thog just have speech im-ped-a-mint."

great line...

[nosig]

another funny story...

I can still remember my sisters first character. She was the very strong not so bright 1/2 orc and had saved enough money to by a Comp. Long Bow, for her high strength. We had told her how to cost in Master Work, etc ...

SO, in the middle of her first game after buying her new bow (10th or 12th game maybe), combat starts at range and she whips out her bow. Looks like it's going to be a long shooting match and someone asks if she has 2 quivers of arrows. Her expression was priceless..."you have to buy arrows too?!" So she doesn't miss a beat, draws her bastard sword and charges into combat. Now years later that line still brings smiles around her table...

[Hordshyrd]

I have not a bad one for this.

Not long ago I was playing a retro 1st ed D&D game, sort of a one off thing so we all started off rolling characters, fairly normal group important members are the int 5 fighter (player did a great job of roleplaying this) and the two clerics that me and one of the other players had rolled.

Seeing as we were sitting right beside each other and both randomly made clerics I jokingly said we were the cleric brothers and everyone just kind of ran with it. We then began inventing our own religion and by chance heading to an old abandoned church that topped the giant dungeon.

The two clerics, low int fighter a dwarf and a few hirelings start climbing the bell tower. On the first level we find a pile of discarded chain and the other cleric immediately throws it out the window, on the basis of "No untidiness in the house of god" which we decide is one of the things of our religion. The party continues climbing, the clerics lagging behind to keep throwing things out of the tower, while the fighter dwarf and hirelings climb up above.

And run into zombies.

They immediately begin fighting while the clerics continue to muff about on the floor below. One of the zombies rolls a critical against the fighter, hit location: Head.
GM"Are you wearing a helmet?"
Fighter"Yes!... Oh wait, no I took the dwarf off my head..."
"So you didn't buy a helmet?"
"...No."
So the fighter winds up dying from the head shot and falling back down to the level below. Where he is immediately thrown out of the tower for being untidy... Without being stripped of his platemail. This drives the player into a rage, wherein the hireling who he's assumed control of (also randomly rolled to int 5) begins to attack the clerics, kills the one, then gets, surprise surprise, a critical to the head... no helmet.

My cleric made it about halfway down the tower before getting overrun by a zombie.

[nosig]

this one is not quite a "you do what?" moment but.... here's the story

Picture this:

DM says, "the magic item your PC just put on is cursed, but it is a minor curse."
Player: "Arg! What's the bad news?"
DM, "It makes your eyes glow red in the dark, and dogs and small children of all races are afread of you."
Player: "Ok, got that. But what's the curse? what's the bad part?"
DM says, "It makes your eyes glow red in the dark, and dogs and small children of all races are afread of you."
Player: "But, what's the curse?"
DM: "that's the curse"
Player: "Huh?"

In the example above the Player thought the curse was Cool. The DM thought it was ... well, a curse.

Sometimes curses are all in the eyes of the viewer...

[nosig]

My witch cast Unnatural Lust on a Mook - sending him after the Druids Big Cat companion... He scrambles over and hugs said kitty, and I then slumber hex him...

This means that later, when he wakes up, he remembers unnaturally lustful thoughts (and actions), just before he blacked out. Only to come to some time later (we searched him while he as asleep), with his clothing in dis-array, with a happy lion sitting next to him purring.

Yah... what happens in Almas, stays in Almas...

[Matthew Morris]

The above psion story reminded me of playing a mid/high level elan psion. (female) We get through the dungeon and see the big pulsing heart that the bad guy is connected to.

Bad guy makes his evil speach (while invisible) and gives us the "Do you have any last words?"

Me (having just watched Bad Wolf) "Yes, you are the weakest link. Goodbye."*

Empowered/Overchannled disintigrate into the heart.

It didn't kill him, but the look on the GM's face...

*

Spoiler:

Amusingly I was playing a female Elan, and most Elans are redheads, so the Anne Robinson bit was too good to pass up.

[nosig]

Posted this story on a different thread, but it works here too...

During a PFS scenario with a "local thug" encounter, where the PCs are confronted by "hired thugs" intended to warn them off of their research, we captured several of the thugs and were questioning them.

Our judge had run another scenario for some of us the week before where we had much the same encounter... so he knew my PC and knew how I liked to handle the "Gather Information from the Thugs" (we had several "new" PCs in the group though). So the "interview" when something like this....

PC: "So Mook, we meet again!"
Mook #417: "Yeah, if'n I'd knowed it was yous, I might not've takkan dis job".
PC: "and how's the wife? and the little mooks? three isn't it?"
Mook #417: "same oh-same oh, off visitin' her mum again in Durma, and the lil ones is growin' like weeds..."
PC: glancing at the other mooks - stablized and waiting thier turn at questioning: "So, does the local Thugs Union have ok Medical benifits? Looks like you guys will need it. Wait, you're Rent-A-Thug aren't you?"
Mook #417: "Not w'at it used ta be, w'at wit da cut backs and all. Had to switch over to Thugs-are-Us."
PC: "Tell ya what Mook, I'll pop for a couple charges off my happy stick when we're done here..."
Mook #417: "Hay, you're all ri't! T'anks!"
PC: "No problem! Least I can do. Now, about the guy who hired you..."

All this while the other players just watched. After all, I had said my guy was a "Face Character"...

When I noted to the judge that I was marking off a wand charge for each of the Mooks, one of the other players also offered to chip in on the healing... "heck, they put up a good fight for Mooks! Wont mind 'working' with them again!"

[rampao]

So I play a Words of Power Sorceress who specializes in Blasting (Cold) enemies primarily while Enchanting as her secondary mode of combat. She's very simple-minded and has weird interests typical for a young lady (in her late teens / early twenties).

Scenario 1:

So me and one of the NPC's ended up separated from the main group because my PC insisted she wanted to attend the boy band concert held in town. Anyway, they found out later that the fort owned by the other PC was destroyed by a group of Frost and Fire giants who were working together, and the inhabitants of the fort were scattered here and there. Using scrying, they were able to spot a few important NPC's who were captured by the giants. They then teleported into the giants' castle and ended up in some room where a strong aura of magic emanated from the end of a small corridor. Adventure senses perking, my PC decided to enter the corridor, despite all the "warning" and "dangerous" signs and the NPC's vehement disapproval. After almost dying due to my greed, we found out the the corridor is infested by some kind of poisonous fungi. Luckily the treasure at the end included a holy chalice that can heal any kind of injuries and afflictions, on top of a humongous amount of gold enclosed in a portable chest (which acts as a port hole). Caught in the moment, I stupidly chucked the port hole into my Haversack.

...
DM: You what...?
Me: Hmmm? *realizes* oh f*ck
DM: Sorry, too late now... Hehehe...
...

All gold, the chalice, and all my items inside the haversack were lost from the implosion, in addition to being stuck in some kind of limbo / rift swarming with demons (as we found out the hard way).

Scenario 2:
Somehow we managed to get out of the rift, met a bunch of new NPC's and gained a level in addition to epic items due to the insane difficulty brought by the other plane. (DM himself called it "unlocking some sort of secret cow level").

We ended up back in the destroyed fort, which was now rebuilt. Unfortunately, hordes of Frost giants are attacking the fort as we arrive. Over 40 were marching towards the fort and about 20 were attacking the walls of the fort.

Me: I fly towards the 20 attacking the walls.
DM: Okay... roll your initiative
Me: *Rolls higher than the giants.
DM: What do you do?
Me: *Grins --- I use my new 6th level spell --- Mass Command --- and have the giants go and block the incoming wave of giants.
DM: ... Okay... *rolls Saves... *None saves... They all do as you say.
Other PC's: *Lowers weapons :|

Scenario 3:
Our party agrees to guard the town of a mayor friend. We position ourselves at the docks where three large war barges are about to come from --- positioned in a line --- along the fat river.

DM: Go do your buffs and preparations.
Me: I cast empowered, intensified, maximized Cold Blast at the river.
DM: ... The river freezes stopping the barges in their tracks...
Other PC's: Wow.
DM: The first war barge releases their warriors. On the deck you see two groups of archers, 20 on each group ready to hail death on your group. Three inquisitors are present as well.
Archer: I'll take care of the inquisitors.
Fighter: I'll try to take on the warriors... surely they'll be slowed down 'cause they'll have to cross a frozen river.
Cleric: I'll support the fighter.
Me: Let me take care of the archers.
DM: The two groups are too far apart to hit together with one blast, and too numerous to command all at once. Roll your initiatives.

Fighter holds his attack, archer lets loose her arrows at the inquisitors, Cleric stands by... enemy warriors crawl through ice, a majority falling prone. As the enemy archers are about to hail down death on us...

Me: I cast Mass Command on one group of archers. I'm powerful enough to take over one group, okay?
DM: Sure.

At this point in time, the character was obsessed with the idea of the power of love...

Me: I command the group of archers to go and make love with the other group, one partner each.

DM: ...
Other Players: Seriously WTF.
Me: But it's effective, right?

Another scenario similar to this one happens, except it was used on a group of enemy acolytes. Needless to say, their superiors were not happy having walked in on them spreading their love with one another on the monastery cloister. That's in addition to having the guards thrash and defecate inside the superior priests' rooms. Ever since then that sect of the (enemy) church lost their honor. In addition to making it seem like their head committing suicide by floating his body down the river after being killed, that event became a major point in history of that campaign and people have started falling out from that sect. Needless to say, my character has been called a vile witch by other PC's ever since then, and it became a recurring gag to force mooks to defecate to humiliate them.

[Lemmy]

2 years necro... Not bad, rampao.