The Vicious Chicken of Bristol |
Just because Haladir hates it. Much like story games and whatnot, our goal is to put together a musical line by line. I'll start:
Overture
Vicious Chicken of Bristol as the Narrator.
Narrator: "The sun rises on the Hyborian plains. Conan, Barbarian from Cimmeria, rides forth boldly, seeking new adventure."
The Vicious Chicken of Bristol |
"Conan..."Adjusts spectacles"Yeah, that's the guy...Conan turns to his Aquilonian companion. No, not that one...the love scene is later! The one with the sword! I didn't mean that kind of "sword". Yes, that person is a woman! I'm sure she's pretty in a different light. No, to your left. Yes, that Aquilonian companion. He turns to his companion and says:"
The Vicious Chicken of Bristol |
*Ahem* "Conan and his...er, entourage made their way across the vast plain. At midday, he was confronted by a man of villainy and evil. Wait a minute!"
*stomping*
"Who wrote this? A 6 year old? I am not reading this anymore! Oh...really? Where'd you get those pictures? Yeah...yeah...No, I understand."
*stomping*
"At midday, Conan was confronted by 'a man of villainy and evil'. Evil villain? Hey, evil villain, this is your cue!"
Rogering Spammersquine |
Evil villain: "Wo ho ho haa! Wo ho ho! Wa ha ha ha haa!
"I'm Meret-Ptah from Stygia
Across the salty pond
I've come to summon squamous terrors
From the Great Beyond, and then.."
(Brightly)
"I'm... going... to... WASH Co-nan right out of my
hair..."
(ad nauseum, as if we haven't reached that stage already...)
I'm Hiding In Your Closet |
Another Evil Villain: *enters from other side of stage*
From the depths of thine closet I stir!
I'm worse than Mao, Cecil Rhodes, and Hit-lerrr!
From beyond the pale I riiide
to turn all the world to the DARK SIIIIDE!
I take stuff without asking permission,
use power tools without supervision,
I tip just 5 per cent
and eat filet minion all through LENT!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Rogering Spammersquine |
Conan flings his evil Stygian villain glove puppet aside, faces the villain, and stands ready to do battle!
"By Crom, Mr. Narrator, people often confuse me with Leonard Bernstein - we might just get away with it! Still, now is neither the time nor the place. As for you, scoundrelly villain, feel the full force of my steely thews, you cowardly dog! WAARGH!!"
(He brandishes his polearm. Cue music)
"My foes see life through a different prism
When they see me out with the guisarme
The guisarme with the spike on top!"
I'm Hiding In Your Closet |
Evil Villain: Ohhh, what a pitiful weaaapon,
is that what a weapon you call?
Mayhap thou should seek the aid of
thine Stygian sorcerer-doll!
*whips out a golden fiddle and abruptly shifts tune*
Behold mine Fiendish Fiddle,
It takes 16 skill ranks to play!
With it in hand I'm able to cast
wail of the banshee once per day.
Make a Fortitude save, Conan!
*ROCKIN' FIDDLE SOLO!*
Rogering Spammersquine |
(Conan produces a banjo and joins in)
RinkydinkydinkydinkyDIDDLYdinkydinkydingdiddleinkydinkydinkydinky, etc.
"YEE HAW!!
Oh, your banshee may be wailing
But listen to me frailin'!
It's me y'all should be fearin'
I'm ragin' on this Deering!*
I've saved and saved on Fortitude, despite your evil naughtitude,
And this banjo's keen, so don't be mean -
x3 crit right in the BURGER-FLIPPIN' SPLEEN!! "
* Deering might be a make of banjo, a make of tractor, or neither of those two things.
I'm Hiding In Your Closet |
Evil Villain:*doubles over*
OW! Thee've rent mine...spleen...'tis true...
*rallies*
Thank Evil I have TWOOOOO!!!
*adopts commanding stance*
MINIONS! I SUMMON THEE!
Dispatch Conan for meeeee!
See! The dead arise at mine command!
Mine blackguards put you to the test!
Demons from the Nether-Land,
and Eastern assassins - the best!
Clockwork terrors I built myself,
many a hot and deadly dark elf,
here come werewolves, dark and beastly,
Jets and Sharks UNITE beneath me!
Killer tomatoes, can you stand it?
Communists from other planets!
Waves of football hooligans,
they'll ensure I'll rule again!
Mares from Diomedes' stable
now wear the Evil Villain label
UN....LEASH....HEEEEEEEELLL!!!
Sic 'em boys!
Rogering Spammersquine |
Conan turns towards Dog, the Bounty Hunter, pouting in disgust as his nemesis takes time out to weedle on a lamp post and hump one of the chorus lines' legs.
"Ha! I do not fear your mullet
Or your sleeveless denim blouse
I'll battle-axe your gullet
Which WILL bring down the house!
You may go hunting bounties
But I am like the Mounties!
I always get my man
And live near Saskatchewan!"
(Conan decides to enliven the battle scene by bumping and grinding to, say, 'Rasputin' by Boney M for a couple of minutes, then drags Andrew Lloyd Webber on stage and changes tempo)
"Because I am....
CONAN the
BarBAR-i-an
I need help when waxing my hairy buns!"
Rogering Spammersquine |
"Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
(Dung dung dung dung)
"Nothing I can doooo
Against your spring-loaded heart..."
OR IS THERE?
Conan leaps to his feet, the potentially death-dealing blow having been deflected by his chest-mounted ablative Bonnie Tyler.
"Ha ha! Aroint ye, foul fiend! And while I find out what 'aroint' means, deal with THIS! Gettim, Bonnie!"
Rogering Spammersquine |
"The bleach, Jimmy. You can use what's left over to help with your termite problem. I mean, I suppose it's none of my business, but how did you end up doing what you did to Pinocchio without using protection? Sheer madness, in this day and age"
Conan shakes his head ruefully, awaiting his five minute call to return to the stage
Tirq |
Jimmy the Stage Prop Tree: Step 1 was *Nudge Nudge Wink Wink* If you know what I mean. Step 2 was making her open the box. Step 3 was a little fuzzy, but Step 4 was profit. Also, your stage double went missing in a chainsaw accident and you'll have to do your own stunts. Stage directors give me the strangest jobs...