'These are my lucky dice! They never let me down' says the player.
And they never do until the GM says, 'okay, make that roll in front of me'
DM: Do you want to wake the test of the party?
Player: Nah, I'm just I'll be alright.
"Come on guys, there's no way it could be a demon - we're only second level!"
Reggie
New player: "I'm going to dump the beans out of the bag and see if it's the bag or the beans that are magical."
Experienced players: "NOOOOOoooooooooo..."
"King ____, my alignment prevents me to do as you ask, I'm going to help ___ despite your severe command!"
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What does this do?
All Clear!
Hey, guys! I only need 100 more XP to go up a level. Let's look for a random monster.
What is this? JRPG?
Said by my brother to me during our first ever game of baasic D&D back in '81'
"Look it's just a few orcs how hard can they be"
"C'mon...you can throw 'em both at us! We'll be fine!"
-ONE of the TWO party clerics after I debated out loud whether or not to have them fight Vorkstag and Grine (TotB) simultaneously.
"Oh, wait, I have boots of water walking. I charge!"
-The Paladin in Castle Forlorn, an old Ravenloft adventure, who went after the undead loch ness monster creature that was more of a really powerful set dressing than a creature to engage in combat. Neither he nor his boots were ever seen again.
"What Vampire?"
From my Savage Tide game (Summarized/ad-libbed, it's been a couple years):
"Let me check out this throne before you come into the room." - Rokugo Yuri, River Spiritfolk Binder|Rogue. Three Lotus thieves disguised as combat dummies filled her with crossbow bolts and slit her throat while she searched the throne for traps or hidden compartments.
"Did we get them all?" - Rin, Human Psion|(some healer class), after those three bandits were killed, the other three dummies filled him with bolts too.
"I'll summon another spectral weapon." - Dresylaer, blind Killoren Bard|Favored Soul, right before the Mother-of-All did her port-through-plants trick to bypass the entire party and pop up right next to the guy who had summoned about five spectral knives to attack her.
"That doesn't pass, does it?" - Yasumoto, Human Ninja|Scout, failing a grapple check versus Burbalarg the Elder Shambler, just before the constrict damage squeezed him to death.
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"You're the only one I can trust now."
"We can take em!"
- Randal Dundragon, Human Ranger. The "em" was an Adult Green Dragon.
Champion Skeletons: "Surrender or die!"
Rogue: "Never!!!"
"What's in the box? What's in the f#@king box?"
"This way!"
(Actually, it was followed by "Oh, sh...")
I shoot the spiders...
They didn't happen to be fake spiders filled with kegs of oil, did they?
You'll be fine!
I can heal you through anything!
Happened the other day:
In the planar museum of artifacts belonging to Boccob, god of magic.
Curious halfling rogue: “A Sphere of Annihilation it says, I wonder what it does? I am going to poke it!”
I miss you buddy=(
I want to kill something!
I want to hit it!
What do you mean it has DR?
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Player, running into a fight: "I run to stand next to the sorcerer."
GM: "You do realize you're running past one dire wolf, yes?"
Player: "Meh, I'll get hit with one AoO. Big deal."
GM rolls to hit: Nat 20.
Rolls to confirm: Nat 20.
Rolls for auto-kill (as per long-established house-rule): Nat 20.
GM: NOBODY MOVE. I need to take a picture of the die.
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"Relax guys! My character isn't THAT stupid..."
"Hey, I'm not the newbie anymore. I don't have to listen to you guys every step of the way, okay?"
"Well, I have to act in character so..."
"Hmmm, what would Drizzt Do'Urden do?"
"Hey, you never know, I could roll a 20"
"Hmmm, what would Drizzt Do'Urden do?"
*SNERK!*
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[Note: The party was carrying the corpse of the rogue, who'd failed a "save or die" effect.]
Cleric: "I cast Find Traps"
GM: "You sense that the corridor before you is one big trap."
Fighter: "I'm at full hit points. I run through and spring all the traps, then, everyone can follow. When we're back together, the cleric can heal me back up!"
"Deck of Many Things? Sounds fun! Hey what's the skull card do??!"
"I think I'll try to grapple that Golem!"
"Come on...it's a 1 in 20 chance I'll roll a 1..."
"I have not been cheating! Here, I'll roll this one right in front of you guys."
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"My second character is going to pull a Kazinski: he slathers himself in bacon grease and slaps the ten soul-sucking zombies with his belt!"