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A Dwarf walks into a bar…

Grand Lodge

51 to 100 of 278 << first < prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | next > last >>
Grand Lodge

"Friends!... and Pontificor..." Lucius pipes up from the back once more, having retired to the bar after making the gnome adopt a more... natural appearance. "Shall we drink together and celebrate the coming Yule Festival?"

"We would do well to make merry now while we have time to rest before we are sent back into the wilds for the good of the Society!"

"To your health my esteemed colleagues... and Pontificor..."

He takes a good swig from his mug and shivers. "Gods know I need the break after my last little outing in Magnimar trying to keep a reign on some neophyte Pathfinders fresh out of basic training."

"Two tieflings and a halfling ranger who decides he's the face of the party. They can have all the charisma in the world but that doesn't replace experience! Of course, once things start to turn ugly it's "Save me Lucius! Save me! I'm too small to get crushed by a statue!" Spare me! They realise we share professions and they get it into their heads that Pathfinding is easy "if I can make it this far...""

He takes another long draft

"Waste of skin if you ask me."


"Training days. Why do I always get the simpletons?"

Sczarni ***

"Thank you very much Juiciest for not grouping me with those other Grand Boringers. After all I am too great for that silliness. You are wise for a tall."

"I get the cries for help too. 'Ohh my my armor does not protect me from the spells, ohh mighty gnome put that guy in a pit so they do not magitize me.' But I colorprayed that porcupine lady instead."

"Pathfinding is easy if you are awesome like me, but I guess if Cap'n Armbrush groups you without any gnomes or acceptable talls then it could be much more difficult."

Grand Lodge

"I've survived this far, only met two gnomes. Course, I'm not complaining. I'm an equal opportunity rescuer...or rescuee."

Grand Lodge

A very young, human woman with sandy brown hair, vivid green eyes, and fox ears and tail walks in wearing dull red and white robes, sits at the bar, and says to the bartender,

"I'll just have some apple cider. Thank you." She then says,

"I heard there were some people here telling stories of their adventures."

"I'm new here and I would love to hear of some of the things you adventurers have accomplished. Also, advice never hurts if you have any."

Sczarni ***

Well Iresia I have some wonderull tales of my pathsearching for you.

*Then in a quick and excited rant Ponti begins a fast paced rant. And in proper gnome fashion expects and appreciates anyone talking at the same time as him*

Gnome Rant(vague spoilers)::

So my first adventure I went to this sandy temple full of fire and flames. We got attacked by flame doggies even right from the get go. Then there was this bridge with a giant hole in it and our friend jumped acrosseded and got stabbitied by a flying demon. The other talls could nto hurt him. But me I knew I could stop since he had eyes. So after they were failing I just let loose a spray of color and knocked that demon out and half my team, but we wonned. Then I went to this town attacked by giant birds. So I dressed up like a baby bird and when they rode up to save me I boo-ed there horse scared and my extra giant barbarian choppitied them up. Why would a bird ride a horse? Don't they fly? Then I went to the museum of the blackros'seses. There I learned somethings can not get colorsprayed no matter how good you are, stupid statues. Then I saw this ugly jabbering monster with lotsa eyes and mouths. It ate my friend's dog and then me magiced another dog and it ate that too. So I magiced a pit under him and we threwed fire and magics at it. Then while I was down there I saved my first blackros daughter I magiced her to be scared and then we killed this brain in a jar. I then put an arcane mark on her to let the world know Pontificor saved her. Next I went to stop evil druids from making people into werewolves and I started to turn into a were-squirrel-wolf. That was easy though. My friend magiced lotsa dogs and I never even go to color spray anything. I shouda rided his dogs thjat would be awesomerest. Then I went to Riddling Port and Shiela Fatmarch would nto share her doughnut with me. Meany. Well some silly tall I was with went invisible and hid next to the bad guy. So again I colorsprayed a teammate. Really they should learn to move out of the way. We thought he runneded away so he was left there. I met my frist Grand boring guy. He wanted me to find him some potions, and I DID! He wanted them, but I thought it was fair we share them so I drankeded one and gave him the other. Greedy tall, now he hates me because he wanted to hog them both. Then I went to go meet that Balancing guy that used to run Tal-bore. We were escorting those cultists and then went to this church and this guy had no face. So I greased him and the talls they put me with killed him. Then I met my first matcheses. He was all like I am almighty and powerfull magicity stabbity person. So I colorsprayed him and they took his sword. Then he was sad and again the talls I was with killeded him. Then I met the Balancing guys uncle, I brought his head. Poor tall if he knew colorspray he might still be alive. Well here is whjen the heavens came to me and offered to teach me the super colorspray. They said it would cost me so I decided to double cost me. So I got my arms and the heavens follows me around huanting me. But know I am a Master Colorsprayer. After that Shiela fatty fat so sent us to this temple. These bird sunged this awesome song, more awesome then my dancing. So I wanted to go pet them. Then this witch grabbed me with her hair until I was better. Then I colorsprayed one and we killeded them. What is wrong with talls and ladders. I hate ladders I need to get me a porter to carry me down ladders I learned. I felleded down the ladder and got a boo-boo. So that temple was full of fake and real zombies and I put them in pits. I decided here to master your tallses religions so I could colorspray them too. Here I met the twins one does magic the other swordies things. They had to carry me back up the ladder because I threwed a tantrum. Then after that I met the most beautifullerest gnome ever Ignizzi Dinletter. Wow whata colorful babe that one is. Smart too she is gonna take us back to the fey were we belong. I also met Ready-Whip. He's a baby dragon. Then I met a mean porcupine that turned things into zombies so I colorsprayed her. Then that neat bird riding lady got bigged and cut her up. She gets very mad, but not at me cause we are friends. She even let me ride her bird a couple of times. Then I met a Jelly-ax and a another nicer bully matcheses. We went to this market and trees attacked us so I put them in a pit and the talls I was with threwed fire at them. Then that bully matcheses would not let me drink the tree potion so I took it and got to be a tree for like 3 hours. Then I met a bard that could dancer better then ME! We met lizard people that were attacked by fake snake people so I colorsprayed them. Then the lizard people taught me how to make meth. Then I got to go to the Blackros wedding because I am so awesome. Here I seduced Hammer-a Blackrose so she loves me forver now. Then I saved another blackros from a flying guy with an ax. Since he has eyes he got colorsprayed too. Then me, the twins, dancing bard, and the bird rider met a dwarf that put prostitutes souls in cookies. I wanted one but they dragged me away from them. Then I watched that bard get dead from fire, she shoulda let me eat the cookie. Well hehehe that lady the bird rider killed had more cookies and I ate one. Then I needed to get re-tuned because they said I needed one or else I could not be a pathsearcher. Then I met more Jelly-axes and they imprisoned there own woman cause some other guy wrote a letter. Here I met a mosquito guy that makes yummy drinks that make you feel better. These jelly axes sure are massaging-ists. That means they are girl haters. Then After we did all this broing talk they sent us to the forgotten omlete. I saw these big puppies and I tried to pet them but they breatheded fire on me. So I colorsprayed them. Here I decided I needed to learn to make pets like me. Then I saved that lady they sent her to this place called hell. Next the twins and that other matcheses and mosquito guy went to this flower store and a bush attacked us. But the matcheses is a good bully wizard and killed it. Then we found a cave with some bad guys in it. I met a were-fox-wolf too. He would nto make me one. While the twins, and mosquito guy were argeing where to go I invisibled myself and went ahead. I found the head drug making guy so I used my new spell water vaccuum ball and put him in it. Then his buddy came at me so I color sprayed him and both them both in the vaccuum water ball. Then the were-fox-wofl dived into the ball and saved them. I then realized that that would have been the first time I killed someone. I mean I watch talls kill people all the time, but it is not my thing. Then I go to go to this town with more cults in it. But they were mean cultists not the searing tights I met earlier. They bit me and made me a little less awesome. I learneded they were redead and I was prepared. I now knewed how to colorspray redead. So went into thier home and I colorsprayed them. The bossity boss vampire was all like I am super-duper powerfull and I was like taste the rainbow B*****. Then he went out like a light. So we brought him back as why they cult is still around. Then I met you and started this story.

Grand Lodge

"I went to hell and came out alive! Top that!"

Sczarni ***

Fah, don't you listen to anything I said. I went to hell too. I learned that the Jelly Axes are massingists and send women there because people write letter, but maybe I was wrong I was like you not paying much attention, it was pretty boring talking to the uppity up-up well knights.

Grand Lodge

Hmmm... which layer?

Sczarni ***

The lair was in the place the hell knights called the forgotten omelet er something. I was not paying much attention I just followed the Jelly Ax mosquito faced guy that was with us. I guess you could call it the dog pound lair. Since it was full of giant mean puppies that breatheded fire on you.

Grand Lodge

Out of curiosity, are you speaking with an accent?

Sczarni ***

Accent? I speak normally. Other people speak with accents!

Ponti has a very child like understanding of almost everything. When you said layers, he does not understand planes. His vanity will not allow him to be ignorant, and so he will assume on things he does not understand. He is not stupid just very ignorant. There is not attempt for an accent, just poor grammar.

Grand Lodge

*holds up hands in surrender.* I have an Ulfen friend you might like to meet...

Sczarni ***

Aren't you half Elven? Plus I met lotsa elfs.

Grand Lodge

*Sighs visibly.* "PUREBRED HALF ELF! My MOTHER was a half elf, my FATHER was a half elf? Why is it so hard for people to understand that! And just because I'm half elf doesn't mean I'm like either one of my human or elven ancestors.."

Sczarni ***

Wow? So you do not like gnomes, humans, or elfies?

I do no get you Gyros scarred face, You tell me to meet this elfie friend of yours; and then I was awesome enough to amember you were elf esque; and you get mad that you are both elf and human. Some scaredy-cat spearmen once wrote "To twine own self be true."

Grand Lodge

Ulfen. Ulfen...

Sczarni ***

*stares blankly at you* half you?

Grand Lodge

A cough is heard from a dark corner of the room and the smell of gunpowder becomes strong in the air as a man roughly 5' 9" stands and walks over to the bar holding his musket bearing an axe head which glows with the aura of magic in a deep voice he orders a pint of beer for those who continue watching notice he also carries a magical longbow and longsword. He takes a drink from his mug turns to the nearest crowd and asks in his deep voice, "is their any adventure for an man such as myself?" at that he starts to clean his musket. Still waiting for an answer he does not move from his seat.

Grand Lodge

"well, it's the Society. Sign up, and if you survive, you get rich." He says to the Musketeer, and then turning to Pontificor "Ulfen are an ethnicity of humanoids primarily dwelling in the lands of the Linnorm Kings and Irrisen."

Grand Lodge

Hmmm you interest me Half-Elf tell me from where do you hail?


No Scarred Face, elven are the tall skinny people with the pointy ears that live in the woods. Yer not gonna trick me. I have survived many pathfinderings, I did not get rich. All I got was my porter named Rat Food. You see he almost got eated by lotsa rats.

Grand Lodge

"What happened?" Kyros inquires to Finlander "I've had a few NDEs myself, but that was much earlier in my career." then turning to Auerenus "Absalom. My family comes from Absalom. Always has. My great-something granddad was one of the first to sign up in the society, had a half elven kid, continued down that lineage, dad (a half elf) met mum (another half elf) and they settled down and had me and my brother Romulus."

Sczarni ***

Sorry Finlanderboy is my main name. I meant to post that under pontificor addressing Kyros Deun.

I never nearly died I am too great for that. My porter rat food was stupid and lets swarm all over him and bite him up. You see this other guy for some dumb reason decided to go swimming in this churning pile of mud and water and almost drowneded. So while I am trying to save this guy rats come out of no where. Ratfood's job was to carry the drugs we found so we could blame him if the Coppers stopped us. Not to to play with mean rats and waste all my oracly goodness healing him.

I thought Romulus had a brother nameded Remus? Or is that your secret name?

Grand Lodge

Goodbye fellow Pathfinders I retire to my room.

Aurenus had earlier that day been turned down from a mission

Grand Lodge

Aurenus does a deep bow and leaves the room.

Grand Lodge

"I never understood where Romulus's name came from, to be quite honest. He left a while ago, last I checked he was living as a bounty hunter in Absalom under the name Monster Hunter. We weren't close, so I don't seek him out."

Sczarni ***

I came from a hole in the ground. You see as a young'un. I was raised by the other slaves of the tentacle monsters that turn you to jelly. Then one day they gave me a bow thingy and sent me to the surface they say they once rules to find the weaknesseses of the upstarts. So I did not know where to go. I was told pathfindering would teach you lotsa stuffs. So I joineded up. Then Gorilla Care-alot was the only adventure cap'n that would take me since the others said I was to "err-attic". I think it means awesome, but they were shy to say it.

You bother me Kyros. You see I never had a brother, and you have one and you do not know much about him.

Grand Lodge

"We have nothing to say to each other."

"Pontificator, your past history intrigues me. By chance were the tentacle thingies called Aboleth's( please excuse my pronunciation) ? Its fascinating ... peoples history I mean. If one looks at the past close enough, one can foresee his or her own future. At least that's what the White B*tch has told me."

Grand Lodge

"Do you mean white Witch? Or..."

Sczarni ***

"No, they are the masters. They told me all the gods are upstarts and they once rules everything bad things happened and they got pusheded away. So far I learneded that Asma-day-of-us can be stopped by a contract, Sara-Ray can be stopped by removing the sun, and.. and... and.. well thats all I got so far.

No he means female dog witch. You know like those were-fox-wolves that speak Tien, but a dog.

Yes they are abeloth's but he would have never understand that. The fear and respect he has built up for them as a child has made them grander then they are in his eyes. Maybe if he gets to colorspray one he will he change his perception

Grand Lodge

"The weaknesses of the gods? Impressive."

Dark Archive ****

I took a band to hell and back and then catered the rescue. I'm still selling t-shirts.
MeriDoc Helltour

"Kyros, the White B*tch is my mother, that is her name and title. I come from a clan of half breeds from the borders of Ustalav and Belkzen. My mother is a witch and has great influence within the tribe."

Grand Lodge

"ah. So why'd you leave?"

"Haha, living in one place like that does not impress me. I am one with nature as it were. The world calls to me and I have answered it. My travels have taken me to great and far places. The friends I have made are impressive . As can been seen by the new friends that have accumulated here !"

Grand Lodge

"why thank you."

Grand Lodge

A tall, tanned man walks in. His hair is matted and pulled back into a poor rat tail to stay out of his eyes. He rubs at a small scar below his left eye while seating himself near the corner.

"Well met, fellow Lodgers. My name is Takeshi Nakamori, Pathfinder by profession, Giant Slayer at heart."

He unsheathes his bastard sword, looking over it quickly before running a whet stone across it.

"Just dealt with two very odd missions. Pirates and demons. Oh, a dragon, too. Damn things nearly killed us. Signed up to take on giants, and they throw me up against demons and dragons right off."

Pleased with the sharpening, Takeshi returns his trusty blade back to it's sheath. He then quickly unhooks a small steel tankard from his belt, motioning for it to be filled.

"And that damn-fool alchemist! Can't hit the broad side of a dire bear, hit his party more than he did the pirates!"

Takeshi takes a swig of the now filled tankard, smiling as the suds hit his tongue.

"By Cayden's divine, that is delicious! Now, this is why I love adventuring. You can go anywhere and find giants, but good ale and mead are hard to come by."

Grand Lodge

"Mead's good in the Lodge. I've had the same sort of false advertising as well. Headed out for humans, got harpies that nearly killed all of us."

Sczarni ***

Those adventure Cap'ns never know a troll from a hole. I swear Sheila Fatty-Fat-Needs-To-March-It-Off is the worst of them. She would not ever share her chocolate biscuit with me.

All I ask is put me against things with eyes and I will save all my fellow pathsearchers. Instead they put me in some dwarf cave that shot at me and gave me boo-boos. I AM NOT LOOKER-FORERER! I am a colorsprayer.... NO! wait! A master colorsprayer!

Grand Lodge

"Master? And you know this because?"

"I happen to do ALOT of fishing with live bait ...

My friends call me a Master !"

Grand Lodge

"Interesting, interesting. We need to fish sometime. I know a great spot in Ustalav..."

Sczarni ***

Well Doubter Mcdoubty Pants...

You have probably seen dabblers in colorspray. A wizardy person in your begininging pathsearchings using colorspray on weak wittle thingies. So far I have colorsprayed Messy-ant Hellhound, a master vampire, Man-in-a-core this was a winged lion with a mean tail, a super tall with a club he was taller then like two of you, a goat-lion-dragon don't ask me how but it trieded to bite me, a four armed gorrilla, several demons, an undead making porcupine lady, black elfs, and that Dalsine guy.

I think I earneded my title.

Grand Lodge

"You have, without a doubt."

Silver Crusade *

Twig sits at the bar, nursing a drink and watching everything with fear flickering in her pale eyes. She sips again, shrinking back each time someone passes, finally she shrinks back too far and falls off her barstool, spilling drink everywhere, and on anyone nearby. There's a nasty sounding crunch as she hits theground.

"I--- I'm sorry." The tall woman crunches up, trying to look small as possible, acting as if she's going to avoid a blow, and as if she's expecting one.

Grand Lodge

Kyros reaches down with an outstretched hand "You okay, miss? No one here is out to hurt you, aside from the floor it seems." He smiles a little at his own joke.

Diplomacy: 1d20 + 11 ⇒ (7) + 11 = 18

Grand Lodge *

Twig flinches again, then looks at the hand for a moment, confused. She slowly takes the hand. Her skin feels paper sickly dry to the touch, and her hand is very thin, more so than seems normal in a person. Her fingers end in very nasty looking claws.

Grand Lodge

Kyros winces in pain for a moment, then helps her up. "So miss, where you from?"

Grand Lodge *

"Abasolom." Twig says, her voice soft. She pulls her hand back the moment she's helped up and looks up at the Whippoorwill that's flown down to land on her shoulder.

"You should be more careful." the bird says, stretching out one wing.

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