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Official "Critique My Item" Thread


RPG Superstar™ 2012 General Discussion

1,051 to 1,100 of 1,111 << first < prev | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | next > last >>
RPG Superstar 2009, Contributor

Seth White wrote:
Incendiary Pipe

Full Submission:

Spoiler:

Incendiary Pipe
Aura moderate evocation and transmutation; CL 6th
Slot --; Price 16,000 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
This elaborate clockwork pipe allows its owner to safely smoke black powder, which has a bold, peppery flavor and sharp metallic aftertaste. Filling the pipe with 1 dose of black powder uses a move action that provokes attacks of opportunities. Taking small puffs as free actions grant no benefits and do not consume the powder.

Each morning, as part of a 10-minute routine, the owner can smoke 1 dose of black powder which grants her 1 bonus grit point if she has the grit class feature. Her maximum grit also increases by 1.

Additionally, once per day the owner gains the power of black powder, regardless of whether she has the grit class feature. As a standard action, she can spark the pipe’s wheellock and deeply inhale, consuming 1 dose of black powder. For 6 rounds, eyes burn like embers, and skin turns charcoal black, granting her and her equipment immunity to fire, and igniting an elemental aura of fire (Reflex DC 16 half). Taking piercing or slashing damage triggers a thunderous retort that pushes adjacent creatures as a bull rush with a Combat Maneuver Bonus of +12 that does not provoke attacks of opportunity.

She can end the effect by exhaling an 80 foot line of lightning-wreathed smoke rings as a standard action. Creatures in the path take 6d6 lightning damage as lightning bolt (Reflex DC 16 half). Creatures that fail their saves are knocked prone by sonic energy and deafened for 2d6 rounds.

If the pipe’s owner has the grit class feature, she can spend 2 grit points when she fills the pipe to recharge it.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, elemental aura, lightning bolt, shout; Cost 8,000 gp


*Whoa! Smoking black powder? O_o

*The whole premise behind this one just falls apart for me. It's kind of a weird, disjointed item. It starts off as a gunslinger item...but then goes off into weird elemental aura (fire) and lightning-based smoke ring territory. I don't even really know where to start in evaluating this thing (and, unfortunately, I don't mean that in a good way). You get extra grit points out of it (just because?). It's got some SIAC effects woven into it with a whole dousing of flavor to make them seem different. I'm just not won over by it, despite reaching for an item that uses some of the new rules/classes/mechanics.

*Weak Reject.

*I WILL CRAM AWESOMENESS, GRIT, STEAMPUNK, SMOKING, AND GUNSLINGERS INTO ONE ITEM!

*Reject, but I want the other judges to see it so I'm not gonna actually click "Reject" on it yet.

*Drawing out the humor factor, I see...

*Smoking is gross and is not cool. Smoking items are cheesy...

*Reject

*Rejected.

Bottom line: This one just didn't resonate for a whole variety of reasons. While I don't mind the idea of a magical smoking pipe, I don't think you found your focus very well on this one. That said, you had the professional polish/presentation down pat. And you were going down the path of innovation by trying to design something for the gunslinger class. It just didn't come together for you into a huge package of awesomeness that cried out for possible inclusion in the Top 32.

Designer, RPG Superstar Judge

1 person marked this as a favorite.
The Grandfather wrote:
In all fairness the word counter should include the title box.

No, and here's why:

The rules say

Round 1 Rules wrote:
PRESENTATION: Use the presentation for magic items found in the Wondrous Items section of the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Core Rulebook (page 496). The subject line of the submission form should contain only the name of the item. The body of the form should include only the complete item text in the appropriate format (this means the item name will be included in the body as well).

I bolded the relevant section: the item name goes in the subject line of your submission (so the new thread for your item has the item name as its title), and it is supposed to go in the body of the message. If the word count tool also counted the text in the subject line, it would count the item's name twice (once for the subject, and once for the body), falsely inflating your word count.

And I'm not going to suggest that the tech team write code that checks if the text in the subject is also on the first line of the message body, counts the words in the subject if it doesn't match, and doesn't count the words in the subject if it does match, so it gives a correct word count whether or not you include the item name in the body. Why? Because the submission rules are clear, and I'm not going to have the tech team waste their time trying to outthink someone who can't be bothered to follow the rules.

About 95% of the people who submit a wondrous item get this right. The remaining 5% need to pay more attention and/or try harder.

Sczarni RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32

Neil Spicer wrote:
Seth White wrote:
Incendiary Pipe

Full Submission:

** spoiler omitted **
*Whoa! Smoking black powder? O_o

*The whole premise...

Thanks much for the comments. That was kind of where I thought I'd net out after a little reflection.

I struggled with an item keyed to a class mechanic that would also be inclusive of other classes, but lost all focus. I probably should have stuck with some of my jnitial thoughts of a gunslinger-only item, though I think smoking might have been a bit controversial for RPG Superstar. In the future I think I'll avoid alcohol, tobacco, and drug-related items.

I really appreciate your comments, and I'll try harder next year. Thanks!

Ps: whoever posted "*I WILL CRAM AWESOMENESS, GRIT, STEAMPUNK, SMOKING, AND GUNSLINGERS INTO ONE ITEM!" made me laugh out loud, so thanks for that. :)

RPG Superstar 2009, Contributor

Seth White wrote:
Ps: whoever posted "*I WILL CRAM AWESOMENESS, GRIT, STEAMPUNK, SMOKING, AND GUNSLINGERS INTO ONE ITEM!" made me laugh out loud, so thanks for that. :)

That would be Sean. He displays a singular wit with his commentary sometimes. :-)


My curiosity is overcoming my worries. If it isn't too late (and you're not too busy with later rounds) I would appreciate some feedback on my item. Thanks in advance.

Ghostwolf Gauze:
Ghostwolf Gauze
Aura faint divination and illusion; CL 5th
Slot head; Price 20,000 gp; Weight --.
Description
This sheer silk veil features a wolf's face picked out in silver thread and positioned so that the wearer looks out through the wolf's eyes. While worn, the ghostwolf gauze causes the wearer's breath to appear in a faint white plume, as if she was outside on a cold winter's day. Three times a day, as a swift action, the wearer can blow a blast of air through the veil to summon a pack of 2d4 translucent, incorporeal, wolves, although a second pack cannot be summoned while a previous pack is still granting the wearer any advantages. The wolves coalesce out of the breath plume created by the blast of air and surround the wearer, granting 20% concealment for as many rounds as there are wolves, before dissolving back into the air. However, if the wearer spends all 3 of the daily charges at once, she can instead send a single pack of wolves out to merge with a single willing and friendly animal. The wolves from a ghostwolf gauze have a base speed of 100 feet. Once the wolves have found the animal and made the merge, the wearer can see through the animal's eyes as if it was the focus for a clairaudience/clairvoyance spell for a total of 1 minute per wolf merged with the animal.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, clairaudience/clairvoyance, mirror image; Cost 10,000 gp

RPG Superstar 2009, Contributor

HerosBackpack wrote:
Ghostwolf Gauze

*Ummm...so, this veil lets you blow "cold air smoke" three times a day to summon 2d4 incorporeal wolves (which I assume can't fight or accomplish anything for you other than a blur-like 20% concealment effect). Or, you can use all three charges at one time to target an animal to see through its eyes. The author claims this works like clairaudience/clairvoyance, but that spell creates an immobile sensor. This animal gets to move away from you (and apparently, you don't get to control its actions, as it's not charmed or anything). Was this intended primarily to target someone's animal companion? How do you make the animals "friendly"...? Wild empathy? Charm animal?

*There's just a whole of lot of strange, intermingled abilities here that I don't find all that compelling or innovative. Not from a flavor standpoint, or even a mechanical standpoint. For 20,000 gp, you can pick up 26 scrolls of blur and 67 scrolls of clairaudience/clairvoyance (though, I think arcane eye or scrying is more along the lines of the kind of divination this author had in mind). It just doesn't wow me on any level. And, when you strip away all of the confusing flavor and theme wrapped around it, we're really just looking at a couple of SIAC effects.

*Also, why is mirror image part of the construction requirements? I don't really see anything in the obscuring effect to warrant including that spell...

*Weak Reject.

*Home campaign item. Vague undefined mechanics. Poorly detailed.

*This one is all sizzle no steak. Kewl SFX are no substitute to actual item design.

*Reject.

*Rejected.

Paizo Employee Chief Technical Officer

loimprevisto wrote:
Vic Wertz wrote:
Even if the official word counter *had* said 298 words, you neglected to put the item name into the submission itself (note that it's present in the premade stat block, and the rules also specifically say "The entire submission, including the title, must not exceed 300 words"), so we'd have added those five words to word count, and you *still* would have been over. As it is, you really came in at 310 words.
Ah, thanks for the clarification. Next year I'll be sticking to the template religiously.

I just wanted to clarify—the official word counter reported 305 words on that entry, so it was over count even before we added the missing item name to the submission. I was just saying that even if the poster had been correct about it being 298 instead of 305—which he wasn't—it *still* would have been over word count once the count was adjusted to include all of the required information.


Neil Spicer wrote:
HerosBackpack wrote:
Ghostwolf Gauze

Thanks. I always seem to overdo or underdo everything. I've yet to find that spot in between where magic items are concerned, probably because item creation hits too many of my weak spots.

Oh well, I guess I can always try again. One day I'll crack it, I hope.

Star Voter 2013

Pathfinder Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Campaign Setting, Companion Subscriber
The Grandfather wrote:
Debihuman wrote:
Sluggar's Coffer ...

Thank you for your observations. Thank you for the alternate rewording.

I must point out the following:
- The heron is not an engraving, but a fixture on the lid.
- The coffer is larger than the dimensions you provided, it is more likely 3'x4'x5'. I did not provide specific measurements as I wanted GM and player to be able to customize exact appearance.
- Commanding the coffer was intended to work more like directing a spell, than activating a command activated item; much like animate objects works.

It was an issue of clarity that I missed the heron wasn't an engraving. This is what you wrote,"This large bronze plated wooden coffer is engraved with avian imagery and feathery patterns. Its lid decorated with the long necked head of a heron." [corrected for spelling and to fix run-on sentence]

A decorated lid is all you said. You needed to be a lot more specific since the heron is not merely decorative.

As for the size, how big is the heron and where on the coffer is it? It has a lid so if it is on the lid the actual height of the coffer may be in Large territory rather than Medium. Here in Florida, a heron can be over 4 feet tall. To me, a fixture on chest would be similar to a lock or a hinge. A heron that can swallow items would have to be much bigger than that.

A coffer can be that tall but doesn't need to be. It is getting into Large size category with those dimensions when it should be Medium size. If it has a 4-foot tall metal fixture of a heron on it, it is 9 feet from top to bottom. That is definitely Large sized. Plus, how do you reach into it? A Medium size creature would have to stand on a box to reach into the bottom.

Rather than a standing chest, perhaps you should have looked at foot locker or hope chest for your dimension and that was why I changed your dimensions. Unfortunately, I could not go back and edit my text to reflect that when I made the change. My error was not explaining it.

One last thing, the command spell probably needed to be added to the requirements.
Debby


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion Subscriber
Debihuman wrote:
The Grandfather wrote:
Debihuman wrote:
Sluggar's Coffer ...

It was an issue of clarity that I missed the heron wasn't an engraving. This is what you wrote,"This large bronze plated wooden coffer is engraved with avian imagery and feathery patterns. Its lid decorated with the long necked head of a heron." [corrected for spelling and to fix run-on sentence]

A decorated lid is all you said. You needed to be a lot more specific since the heron is not merely decorative.
...

Thanks again. I see now how that could be an issue.

For the sake of clarifying. I envisioned this as an app. 4' tall, 5' wide chest a pretty big chest, but still conforming with medium size. Mostly it is big because I wanted it to hold large volumes without resorting to extradimensional spacing. It is made of thick wood and has bronze decorations. On of these decorations is a lifesize heron's head on the lid, laying down to act as a sort of handle for someone opening the lid. When animated the head comes to live only when it has to reach for something. Just as a heron tugs its head between its shoulders when standing watch so does the chest's head just remain still on its lid. When commamded to pick something op the head sways forward an its delicate neck and stretches as needed to swallow whatever it picks up.

The description I posted was mutch briefer. In part to avaid getting too wordy, but also to allow players to skin their coffer, to make it more personal, if not personable :)


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion Subscriber
Neil Spicer wrote:

...

So, bottom line, I think you're imagining a problem that doesn't actually exist. The rule for putting the item's name in the body of your post wasn't a deal-breaker...just like failing to italicize, lowercase, and alphabetize your spell names wasn't a deal-breaker...at least, not on its own. But, going over wordcount is a deal-breaker, regardless of how it happens.

Thanks for the explanation. I am happy to see that the system works fine and no one was treated unfairly.

I will just shut up... For now ;)

Star Voter 2013

I know this is way back, but as I've been gone for just shy of two weeks, I've got to start somewhere.

And also, I generally like being corrected when I'm wrong. I fly by the seat of my pants a lot, so corrections help me learn. Here however, I have to raise a counter-argument.

Joseph Valoren wrote:
Far too much emphasis was placed both by you and the judges on the numeric qualities of the item... the buffs are seasoning, not meat. The item exists as a tool of cultural assimilation...

Maybe later, I'll go back and find the thread where this was originally said, but at some point in the last month or so someone said, "If you get dinged on something that isn't the main aspect of your item, then your problem is actually that you're not correctly putting forth the most important aspect of your item."

In other words, people are saying "knowledge checks are boring and the disguise thing seems to duplicate an existing item", but you say that's not the real point of the item... Then your actual purpose is too far buried in all the things we were saying we disliked.

Joseph Valoren wrote:
Your credentials do not entitle you to any source of wisdom and authority I couldn't claim, myself.

Actually, I have to respectfully disagree with that.

Star Voter 2013

Finally, I'm caught up on all these general threads. I have yet to even look at round two, but I'll be hoping to get back to my item reviews tomorrow.

Contributor

Neil Spicer wrote:
P Minchin wrote:
Soles of the Shadow Trail

Full Submission:

Spoiler:

Soles of the shadow trail
Aura
moderate illusion (shadow); CL 11th
Slot none; Price 16500 gp (pair); Weight -
Description
These clammy, filmy black footprint shapes are placed on the ground and stepped into while concentrating on two destinations, one false, one true. When the character steps out and begins travelling towards their true destination, their shadow detaches from them, transforms into a shadowy image of them (usual DCs to spot the illusion), and travels at the same speed along a plausible path towards the false destination. The false path is approximately as direct or meandering as the character's path to the true destination. Any purely physical traces of the character's passage fall through the Plane of Shadow and are left on the false path instead. These traces are the real trail relocated to a false path, not illusions; they may not be disbelieved, but may include incongruities (eg suddenly wet footprints in a dry passage if the character has stepped into water on the true path). The effect ends after 1 hour per caster level, if dismissed as a free action, or if either the character or the shadow reaches their destination.

Additionally, when the effect ends, the character may instantaneously plunge through Shadow to their shadow's location on the false path. (This effect confers no more knowledge than they would otherwise have about exactly where that is or what is happening there.) If they travel more than 10,000 feet in this way, they are fatigued by the rapid transit through Shadow's draining miasma.

The soles are consumed upon use, and one sole is required per foot/prosthesis/walking limb.

Construction
Requirements
Create Wondrous Item, shadow walk, major image, spend 1 hour per print harvesting footprints while shadow walking; Cost 8250 gp (pair)

*Usual DCs to spot the illusion? What might the "usual" DCs be? Lazy designer can't be bothered to calculate it, much less communicate it. That's a problem.

*True path, false path? Meh. Just cast mislead and be done with it...

*Presentation errors, as well. "Create" Wondrous Item should be Craft Wondrous Item...

*And who's got time to go harvest footprints while shadow walking?

*Vote to Reject.

*Agreed. Reject.

*Also, agree. Reject.

*Rejected.


Sorry for the delay in replying, Neil - and thanks very much for posting the item and the comments, all of which are entirely fair. Hopefully the story of how the item was posted explains those failings a little... and provides a cautionary tale about submitting random inspirations without due polish to anyone doing their homework for later years!

I was hoping for some "flawed, but a hint of mojo" comments, but clearly that's not there... at least not enough. With this many items I can fully understand that it quickly becomes a matter of looking for reasons to reject. Not out of malice or disrespect, just out of sheer necessity when faced with such a massive field to choose from. Sorry it turned out to be a waste of the judges' time - at the time I genuinely thought it was pretty cool.

One thing about the creation requirement that footprints be harvested while shadow walking... the idea was that you would pretty much shadow walk just to harvest the prints, as preparation for a later getaway. That this was potentially dangerous was partly the point. If you don't mind my asking, does this type of story-based creation requirement tend to be a negative, neutral, or positive thing in the judges' eyes?

Thank you all again, anyway! Very much appreciated.

Shadow Lodge

Pathfinder Campaign Setting, Companion, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Hoping this isn't too late, I have been meaning to get this up but thread dropped in the middle of finals week T_T. Anyways I hope for as much advise as I can get, good or bad in the hopes of improving my skills for next time.
Journeyman's Anvil
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 4,500 gp; Weight 5 lb.
Description
Forged by a traveling blacksmith aggravated by the obstacles of of plying his trade on the open road, The Journeyman's Anvil is built to allow a wandering forger to not only craft on the open road but to do it efficiently and without worry of need for a forge. The anvil itself looks like any other blacksmiths anvil and functions as masterwork artisan's tools (and therefore grants the same +2 circumstance bonus) for the associated craft skill. This item also allows the user to calculate their progress in gp instead of sp. Finally the bonus to crafting increases to +5 when making craft checks to repair broken items. Though this item is most often encountered as an anvil other versions of this item exist for the other various crafts (Cannot function as alchemists lab).
Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, crafter's fortune, creator must have 5 ranks in the craft skill the item is to be associated with; Cost 2,250gp

Star Voter 2013

P Minchin wrote:
If you don't mind my asking, does this type of story-based creation requirement tend to be a negative, neutral, or positive thing in the judges' eyes?

It gets looked at extremely negatively. Why? The most important reason is that no other wondrous item does it. Adding story elements, or specific physical ingredients to a wondrous item's construction is doing something that isn't done.

This isn't the same as trying to do something new and cool, for instance. It's more like breaking the template. The template contains feat, class, level and spell requirements. Anything else is covered by the gp cost, which is assumed to be spent on those sorts of things - but restricting a PC to a single specific material ingredient means the PCs must explicitly have access to that specific material or story ingredient. Don't forget, a PC might be using scrolls or an increased DC instead of actually having the required spell (in your case shadow walk).

It would be like adding a PrC whose entry requirements include "all characters must be called Steve." It's adding an unnecessary level of complexity. If a PC or a DM really wants to include such a thing, that's their call - but it should be the DMs digression to the complexity, not to take that away.


Pathfinder Card Game, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

I had forgotten some time ago that I had not yet submitted a request for critique of my "Someone else's shoes" item... if you forget that you forgot, that should mean that you didn't forget... in which case I now remember that I had not forgotten.

Right?

Thanks again for the judges willingness to accommodate us all. It really is above and beyond, and among the reasons why Pathfinder is as special as it is.

Star Voter 2013

I'm back! Some more reviews

Pendant of Phoenix Ashes

review:

First, I like the name. There are a lot of options open to a pennant like this, but ressurection is first in mind for it. With a 130k price tag, it better live up to those expectations.

But no, it doesn't really live up to it. Firstly, you really need a physical description of this thing. A glass phial on a golden chain? A locket? Ash pressed into a crystal in the shape of the bird? Give us something. (or, I realize I should clairify - give us something at the opening. Your first line should be the physical description, not the last). After that, I have to say what you do with the item itself just isn't superstar. Two very basic abilities - shapeshifting into a pheonix, and one free ressurection. I would probably never use the shapeshifting, because at the level I can afford it I can do way better things with six rounds - and only put it on when I have something really dangerous I'm about to fight - if I don't sell it first, I mean. Which really means for the price scope it's not exciting.

Also, since you're basically including a free ressurection-in-a-can, you need to specify 10,000gp in diamond dust in your construction requirements - expensive material components like that are the exception to the no material components in the construction requirements rule. And even then - it probably tells you you're going too far, because I can't think of any items that actually do that anyways.

Phial of Deceiving Vapors

review:

Now, it's kinda obvious, but the name of the item implies that it could be about putting something over on a cloud, rather than using the vapors to deceive. Keep an eye on adjectives with "ing" in your name, because there are a lot of cases where it isn't as obvious.

Your template is pretty good, next time slot should be "none", and your spell isn't italicized where it should be - and only one spell worries me a little, btw. Makes me think spell in a can.

Your physical description doesn't refer to the object itself. It should be "This small ivory phial..." or somesuch. As-is, you could be referring to anything. Once again, we have context to help, but you should never rely on that. And then, you're not clear on how to fill the phial - though you make it clear that it can be refilled. If you include such a thing, be sure to explain it.

The ability itself is okay, a bunch of misty figures that leave your scent and footprints, but you add in boring clauses like "cannot be used in combat" and "one round or more", and you seperate your action itself from the action required to activate it... A lot of writing missteps. You need to take a few more passes through your items next time.

Suspension of Reckoning

review:

The name makes me think of a suspension of disbelief, and you don't include any spells in the creation? Huh. And you also further explain that it's some sort of greasy substance, but not that it's typically held in a container - even though you imply that it is later. Reading your description alone makes me think of like, jello with fruit chunks.

But, writing issues aside, the item is basically a poison that grants a bonus to knowledge? That doesn't even really make sense. This means you're intending to only ever gain this knowledge in battle, which is about the least useful time for an already not useful skill. And, for 250gp - I'll take the +10 knowledge bonus by stabbing my buddy with a tiny dagger (1 damage) and buy him a healing potion with the treasure I get from my enormous check. DC20 is some really obscure stuff, and that's an average roll of an untrained skill.

Finally, an item that can do six different things should be six items, not one. Make your logical connections more obvious to the reader, too. What is effectively poison of knowledge just feels silly.

Murmuring Lockpicks of Trapped Spirits

review:

Hmm, You could probably get away with dropping the "of trapped spirits" part of your name and it would flow better. Also, your price-cost ratio is off, despite the rest of your template being flawless. Details, details!

Then, uhh, +3 bonus? That's a weird number. +2, +4, and +5 I see - but +3? Not an actual misstep, but it sticks out as a number you don't normally see, and suggests you might not play a lot of pathfinder or something. Then, you get into the real meat of your item, and I like the posessing the trap with the souls of the creature's it's killed thing (though I worry about new traps!), but your mechanics get mucked up. At the end, you're implying that you can trigger the trap from within 30 ft, but can drag people towards it only if you're physically manipulating the trap... awkward wording basically.

And the telekenesis bit feels really tacked on, too. I know, it'd be a little one-note without it, but it's already slotless and only mid-priced. It can be a little one-note. The item probably would have been better if you left out the dragging-to-the-trap bit out.

Helm of Contemplative Reprisal

review:

Hmm, name leaves me with only a good idea of what the item does, but your template is flawless.Let's see...

Watch for "appears" in your physical description. You should only use it when you're going to explain what it actually is. "appears adorned with" suggests it is actually adorned with something else. A nitpick, really, because I can tell you're using it to explain how it looks, but your sentance would be better without.

Further, you don't need to add the static bonuses to your item. If the effect is cool, you can just leave them off. They don't really meet the feel of the rest of the item, anyways. And by the way, neither does the +20 insight on a CMB check, anyways. I know that's from true strike, but it feels too big, and I think the making CMBs while in total defence is way cooler than getting a +20 anyways. Meaning your coolest ability is being overshadowed by everything else your item does.

Lenses of Shared Sight

review:

Well, "eye slot" is not a slot. "eyes" is. Be careful with little bits like that, though the rest of your template seems good.

Firstly, your explanation of what the item does is messy. It's not clear immediately what senders, receivers, allies and so on are - which is really bad, because it's critical to the item's function. Next - the judges have commented that shared items aren't as cool as so many people think they are, which means you need it to be really excellent to get over the preconceived assumptions the judges have.

I could go on, but your real killer issue here is clairity. All the information is there, but you really, really need to work on presenting it in a logical, readable order. A reader should understand everything the first time through.

Eavesdropper's Torc

review:

Hmm, some messy template work - CL should be on the same line as aura, and skills should be capitalized and after spells in requirements. You also specify a value for the item if for some reason the item was disented but not destroyed - that's a no-no unless it's an expendable item, especially because it also makes it look like this item's price/cost ratio is off.

In your description, sentances 2 and 3 suck. 2 means you never have to identify it, and 3 is worthless because at it's price, characters are already a mismash of magic items that probably look silly. I don't even have to go further to tell you're being too much player and not enough designer. The rest of the item just reads off as a laundry list of remote spying. Really, for this price the user may as well have a crystal ball, they don't need to worry about all those extra fiddly bits. Keep it simple(er) than it is.

Redeemer’s Quill

review:

good template use, but a quill doesn't strike me as something likely to redeem anyone who wasn't arrested on a typo or something. Underwhelming name, especially for 50k. And actually, I wouldn't say this quill redeems anything. Contract, maybe. Redeem? Not even close.

Looking at your item, first I have to say that really expensive items for interrogating aren't cool. For that price, you can aquire a lot of better ways than (an apparently permanant) geas once per day and zone of truth excluded to forced writing (and how does someone force you to write, anyways?) or, since the geas is infinite in both application (more than one person can sign a contract, which has no limit on how specific it must be, or even in length), and duration, and it doesn't actually create magical documents (it's the quill, you see) this item could be abused really pretty easily.

Hair Bangles of the Scorpion

review:

You're missing a comma in your cost/price, and 6lbs tied to your hair in a hell of a lot. Wait, what is with that price/cost ratio? Two dings already. And the "hair length is the total height of the creature, minus 2 inches" isn't a superstar description, it feels more like a math equation.

Boiled down, this is basically +2 cha, and double your AOOs. The second of which is huuge! Especially for that price. Sure, it's not with your flaming sword or whatever - but with adamantine hair instead. And, with unlimited uses per day, 7k is waaaay too low a price, if it's even possible to balance the price of such a thing.

If you really want to play with unlimited use items, or allow your item to be not a standard action to activate, don't do them in the same item. Properly balanced, this could have been cool, but it's really really not.

Wendigo Pelt

review:

Since a Wendigo is now a Pathfinder monster, this is immediately a "same name as mundane item" trap, so keep an eye on things like that - read all the books. Template use is good, though.

You need to call out that an action is required to start the item's use, though the effect itself starts off cool. Then it stumbles again, because you say that this isn't just an enchanted pelt, but it's haunted by the wendigo it came from - which should be mentioned earlier. I can totally see that sort of effect working fine, but I might like it more if the pelt itself animated rather than summoning the ghost of it's wearer. Kinda a cool effect, though you should allow some sort of save or way to resist it, because as it stands, the target is always going to fall 50 ft when this is used, no matter what. It's also unclear as to whether the wendigo pulls the target up before, after, or during the user's bull rush.

Ultimately, I kinda like it, but the stumble with the name and the spirit bring it down too far for me to really praise too highly.

Star Voter 2013

Not very many today, still recovering from my cold and catching up on everything. Looking forward to round 3 later tonight, though.

Sightlinked Spies

review:

Not a very exciting name, I can immediately tell that this is a linked-spying item, which is sort of a makes life easy for the players item and not very superstar. Good template use, though.

Really, this feels like two things - arcane-eye in a can, and solve-a-maze in a can, which is what the two different powers seem to be. And there's a lot of edge cases you don't cover too - what if the other bug is a thousand feet in the air? What do the bugs do when they reach one another? fall to the ground? Since they're logically visible, what if they get attacked? What if someone steals one bug, do you get a free track to the other, or does it only apply if you were scrying first?

Too many questions left open, and not a really cool idea to start with. Sorry.

Codex of Cognitive Superiority

review:

The name sounds like you took the three mental manuals and mashed them together. Which would be terrible - though with that price it could never actually be (or you made a big mistake). Template-wise, spells should be italics and lowercase, and the specific spells should all be listed - though in your case probably with 'or's in the middle instead of commas.

Your physical description of them item isn't great either. Your sentances don't flow very well and it's not really exciting either. And the bit about an infinite pages feels copied from a book of infinite spells. Your 'price' is a bit lame, too. Write for one hour. And how does the book know what's true and what isn't? Could the writer write down a fictional story to find out what parts are true and which ones aren't? Sounds like a headache.

a +20 bonus on just about any roll is more than an auto-success. +10 is an auto-success. The only thing that grants +20 is true strike and that's only for attack rolls and only for low BaB characters. This number alone shows you aren't thinking balance. Because even one +20 to one skill or save roll a day is majorly dangerous. You make a comment about balance at higher levels, but you're not thinking; DCs scale by level. a +20 bonus is a guaranteed pass for anything, level appropriate or not, any character prepared in any way for a task already should only need to roll a 10 to pass it, this makes 21 their lowest possible number.

Saddle of the Jade Charger

review:

Good name, and only one tiny template slip; auras are in lowercase. Let's see. Good lead in description, and overall an interesting effect. Not the only merge-into-a-centaur item I've seen, but it's pretty good nonetheless. Your duration at the end is a little clunky and you really need to add in a linebreak somewhere in there, but... my only real complaint is that the price of this item is way outside the range of the characters who would find it really useful. That is, mid-low level characters. It could still be good at higher levels, sure, but then you're already flying and shooting lazers out of your eyes, merging with your horse to be a centaur for an hour isn't really enough any more.

Good item though, I do like it quite a lot.

Hourglass of the Turning Tapestry

review:

hmm, I wouldn't really want an hourglass on my neck slot - they're normally pretty big. But, I can sorta see the imagery from the stat block alone. That's good. Don't need to include the CL requirement in the construction section though.

After reading your item, it's like you took two ideas - one great and one aweful, and mushed them together into this item. Your description is excellent (if about a sentance long) - then there's some garbage about always knowing the exact direction of the sun, which is both "makes travelling easy" and boring. But then, you get into reducing duration of status effects. And that's awesome. I love the rules around it and everything (except the by HD bit, it should be by a fixed number, like 5). And then, you add in a caveat about reducing constitution, but only until you rest, which sucks and is needlessly complex. Make it a fixed number of times per day.

also, I love the use of sands of time for this item. That's brilliant.

End of story: if this had removed parts 2 and 4, I predict you would have been in the top 32 easy. But you added all that garbage on top of your diamond. Be more confident.

DOOR MOUSE

review:

Lots of template missteps, and a bad "named for a real object" thing too. I don't even have to look at your item to tell you weren't trying very hard - do your homework, learn the template. Ah! I know you're going to say that you did, but even if you added BBcode and such you still all-capsed your name, included a sliding scale instead of distinct values for prices, added a capital conjuration under aura, missed semicolons...

You also include a "this is indespensible for..." line which says you don't feel your item can clearly explain what it does by effects alone. Go read all the advice threads here in the superstar forums, I think they'll help a lot.

Holster of Goblinkind

review:

Well, goblins aren't exactly gunslingers, and 2,400gp is a lot for a CL1 item. Let's see though...

Oh, it's a finger-gun. That's kinda lame. It's a children's game. I could see goblins doing that, sure, but not people making items based around goblins doing that. Also, the lowest DC you should ever see is 11.

And, you have a careless line about dumping out the holster, but never say it's full of anything.

Lots of big mistakes there. Go read the auto-reject rules, and if you're going to try and rule-27 one of them, don't fall into another one doing so.

The Dawnflower Candle

review:

Well, no real missteps in the item or the template, but... double natural rate of healing is really not superstar. It's barely even book-of-items level. I wish I had more to say, but that's just it. You made a nice item, but it's about as exciting as a masterwork buckler.

Oh, and don't capitalize spell names in your item description. They're lower case there, too.

Contributor

RonarsCorruption wrote:
P Minchin wrote:
If you don't mind my asking, does this type of story-based creation requirement tend to be a negative, neutral, or positive thing in the judges' eyes?

It gets looked at extremely negatively. Why? The most important reason is that no other wondrous item does it. Adding story elements, or specific physical ingredients to a wondrous item's construction is doing something that isn't done.

This isn't the same as trying to do something new and cool, for instance. It's more like breaking the template. The template contains feat, class, level and spell requirements. Anything else is covered by the gp cost, which is assumed to be spent on those sorts of things - but restricting a PC to a single specific material ingredient means the PCs must explicitly have access to that specific material or story ingredient. Don't forget, a PC might be using scrolls or an increased DC instead of actually having the required spell (in your case shadow walk).

It would be like adding a PrC whose entry requirements include "all characters must be called Steve." It's adding an unnecessary level of complexity. If a PC or a DM really wants to include such a thing, that's their call - but it should be the DMs digression to the complexity, not to take that away.

Thanks RonarsCorruption. In general I agree, and I wouldn't have added something entirely extraneous. However, I don't see this addition so much as an additional requirement as an explanation of how the time taken to create (or rather craft *sheepish cough*) the item is actually spent. I.e. you have to cast shadow walk (whether from a scroll or whatever) and spend more than an hour per print anyway, this just explains how that links into the creation of the items. Whether that results in actual danger/story complications is entirely in the GM's hands.

You definitely make a good point, just explaining why I saw this as not entirely subject to that good advice :)

RPG Superstar 2009, Contributor

doc the grey wrote:
Journeyman's Anvil

*Forgot to include the item's name in the body of the submission.

*Didn't follow the template very well. Totally disregarded the BBCode.

*Item includes needless backstory.

*Not particularly innovative. Just a boring crafting item.

*Vote to Reject.

*Because it's hard to find anvils in villages and stuff.

*Reject.

*Rejected.

RPG Superstar 2009, Contributor

Nephelim wrote:
Someone Else's Shoes

*Someone Else's Shoes? Oi. Really bad name. O_o

*Orkish? Try Orcish.

*Opportunity Action? You mean Attack of Opportunity?

*I'm not a fan of this item. It's the "no one can ever close with the weaker members of the party" item as the big, beefy fighter keeps switching places to jump around the battlefield and save their bacon...particularly since deathwatch lets everyone know how close to death everyone is. It's an item designed to engage in an ongoing arms race without having to endure the consequence of poor tactical decisions.

*Vote to Reject.

*Agreed. It all seems to hang together but in the end it makes adventuring easy, and it's a really bad name.

*Vote to Reject.

*Rejected.


Pathfinder Card Game, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Thanks, Neil. A bit embarrassing that I used "Opportunity Action." I guess that's what I get for playing in Pathfinder while running a 4th Ed game. I thought I had put a fairly significant times\day limit on the transpose effect to counter that concern, though.

But mostly, I kinda liked that name... ;(

Star Voter 2013, Star Voter 2014

RonarsCorruption wrote:
P Minchin wrote:
If you don't mind my asking, does this type of story-based creation requirement tend to be a negative, neutral, or positive thing in the judges' eyes?

It gets looked at extremely negatively. Why? The most important reason is that no other wondrous item does it. Adding story elements, or specific physical ingredients to a wondrous item's construction is doing something that isn't done.

This isn't the same as trying to do something new and cool, for instance.

*threadjack

Actually, it's looked upon negatively because our focus is in the wrong place-- we should be incorporating these sorts of triggers and requirements into the items because they inspire stories. It's the same mentality which frowns upon the Leadership feat as a bookkeeping nightmare instead of the GM gift it is. ("Stories about the followers, about helping the followers, about finding the cohort, about making the cohort a part of the group? All from the feat? Fantastic!")

It is doing something new and cool to Pathfinder because it pushes preconceptions and attempts to incorporate a mechanic which creates greater player investment in the magical items. You value something a heck of a lot more that you had to fight for over the course of a couple sessions than something you looted off a corpse(!) or picked up from the magic shop. Sure, occasionally the items are gifts or heirlooms, but the idea of making the actual creation process partially story driven is often eschewed as too much work or too group/world/GM specific. That disdain is quite disappointing, truthfully, but it's something far too ingrained at this point to really be changed by a lone item in a contest like this. Really, that item belongs in a collection of #30 pieces by Rite Publishing where it can kick down the boundaries and shine like it ought to.

/threadjack.

-Ben.

Shadow Lodge

RonarsCorruption wrote:

Not very many today, still recovering from my cold and catching up on everything. Looking forward to round 3 later tonight, though.

I feel the irony of your statements on the door mouse and will state again that it was not posted here in the format in which it was given to the judges.

I understand and have admitted the part about the rogue, got that.

As to the name, it is just a matter of opinions. If I'd known the judges diss-approved of such things so much, I'd have come up with something else for the contest. But, for me and my group, it will always be the Door Mouse.


I've been curious for months.
Go ahead, hit me with your worst: How doth I suck?

Boots of the Mad Geometricist
Aura strong conjuration and moderate illusion; CL 15th
Slot feet; Price 79,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
DESCRIPTION
These boots at first glance appear to be expensive, but unremarkable, yet vaguely “off” somehow. Closer scrutiny makes it seem that they are where they aren’t, and aren’t where they are. From a distance, they also appear concave at the heel or toe, and convex at the ankle (quite the opposite of reality). These effects are optical illusions; side effects of the boots’ powers, and provides a clue as to the abilities of these boots.
The wearer is able to walk on walls, ceilings and floors as normal. This is not a climbing effect, so much as a form of localized variable gravity. The wearer can run, or even jump away from walls and fall back to them, or jump downward from ceiling and fall back up. Even if the wearer drops something, it falls to the relative surface, and remains so until the wearer leaves the square(s) which the object occupies, at which point the object returns to normal gravity and falls normally. Switching the gravity to another nearby surface is a swift action on the part of the wearer. This new surface must be within touch range of the wearer.
Further, the geometric illusion of the boots can be expanded to apply to the wearer as a whole. This functions as Displacement for up to 15 rounds per day. The wearer can turn this effect on or off as a free action, and break up the allotment of Displacement by rounds.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Plane Shift, Displacement; Cost 39,750 gp

Star Voter 2013

Sphen wrote:
I feel the irony of your statements on the door mouse and will state again that it was not posted here in the format in which it was given to the judges.

Unless you re-wrote the entire item here after submitting it, that's a very nebulous statement. I assumed what you meant was "in my actual submission I used proper BBcode, but not here". So, I called out that you missed semicolons, and had a price of "x - y" and things like that.

If what you actually meant was "I rewrote my entire template here, but actually made no mistakes when I submitted it", then I apologize for my comments on your template. Allow me to instead ding you at least as much for not keeping a submitted version of your final work. What would have happened if, say, there was an error when you tried to submit it? You would have had to submit what you posted here perhaps? And that version does contain a lot of unacceptable errors.

Sphen wrote:
As to the name ... if I'd known the judges diss-approved of such things so much, I'd have come up with something else...

Everyone entering this contest has access to these messageboards, which includes a thread called Sean's Consolidated Advice Thread, which is a list of things the judges tell contestants they should avoid doing whenever possible. You don't even have to read them all in detail, because your item is exactly rule 16 - "item is a real world item name".

They're an interesting and informative read at the least, so you should go look at them.

Marathon Voter 2013, Marathon Voter 2014

Pathfinder Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Comics Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion Subscriber

Boots of the Mad Geometricist

Here you go - I hope it helps.

Template fu points at spells, italicise and no capitalize on spells and they should also be sorted alphabetically, i.e. displacement, plane shift

A whole paragraph of description – I can see from this you sitting at your desk trying to work out how to describe the item rather than having a tight description. So you need to tighten your writing style I suspect.

There is also to me some conflicting description here – they are unremarkable yet off and expensive. As an adventurer, expensive is quite remarkable – it means loot!

As I get deeper, to the description, I think my concerns on the description grow deeper, another example, the first sentence of paragraph two – when I normally walk on the ceiling, I normally fall – if you catch my drift :D

As I get past the words, it’s starting to become a spell in a can effect of reverse gravity for me and strangely, this spell isn’t in the construction – displacement accounts for visual effects, plane shift is kind of redundant – I think it should be reverse gravity as a better tie to the magical effects produced.

Then, I think some more and it’s even closer to simply being spider climb with an afterthought displacement addon, so I suspect spell in a can / swiss army knife combo auto reject was the killer.

I have seen similar "boots of wall walking, of spider climb" before, so I suspect you need to up the creativity/originality some too.

I’ve tried to provide full feedback and guessed at the reject reason(s), I hope you find this helpful.

RPG Superstar 2009, Contributor

Malignor wrote:
Boots of the Mad Geometricist

*Both the core concept and descriptive text of this item kills it for me. For an item that spends so much time describing the illusory aspects of the boots, they sure do have some very real geometric, gravity-bending abilities, too. Conceptually, that just seems at odds to me. Additionally, the mechanics of falling from one wall to another and from ceiling to floor as a swift action is just a cheesy way of super-fast movement with a whole lot of time consuming position tracking on the part of the GM.

*On top of that, this entry is loaded with a lot of use of the verb "to be" and flirts with passive voice too much to invoke any sense of inspirational descriptive text. Presentation is flawed in referencing game terms like "Displacement" vs. "displacement" and personally, I still feel like spider climb, telekinesis, levitate or reverse gravity ought to be in there rather than plane shift to explain the gravity-like effects. Playing around with gravity is a quick way to open up a whole can of worms in the system.

*Vote to Reject.

*I dont want a gravity mechanic. The abuse of these is crazy. Now all of a sudden you can drop ranged spells that create a physical manifestation? A flaming sphere, perhaps, created on the ceiling then you step back a step. Does it drop down? Ugh, I just don't want all the complexities this introduces.

*I grant that gravity is a fun idea. But there is a reason there are few workable items with that theme. This would turn a combat into a physics problem and I just dont want that in my game. Bad design.

*Strong REJECT.

*..."Closer scrutiny makes it seem that they are where they aren’t, and aren’t where they are...." I am, and am not, [redacted]...[happy with this kind of statement].

*Reject.

*Rejected.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter 2013, Star Voter 2014 aka Standback

RonarsCorruption wrote:
Murmuring Lockpicks of Trapped Spirits

Wow. Thanks much for this - those are a lot of great comments I hadn't gotten from anybody previously, but that I can see as contributing to the item's being waved aside.

Thank you :)


Good feedback all around. I especially can appreciate the analysis of my wording and writing style, because it's some good implied advice.

One thing I /facepalmed about was that I never used the term "subjective gravity", as you see in the planar traits sections of the GM Guide... and that's what these boots do is give your occupied squares subjective gravity (hence "Plane Shift"). Deerrrrp.

Thanks again.

Star Voter 2013

Life is always busy, so here's another handful of items.

Cloak of the Reaper

review:

Watch your captials - shoulders and spell names should be lowercase. And, because I can't work it in below, you really need some paragraph breaks.

As to the effects, your wording on their use is really bad. "This item may have one of two effects" implies the user doesn't get to choose. "Light spells of 3rd level or lower are countered" implies the cloak is actively counterspelling, instead of them just failing. Your duration doesn't use the standard phrasing for 9 minutes per day, broken down by minute effects. And then you have a really bad typo of "Bestiary 300". You shouldn't refer to a core book in an item description anyways - but spelling it wrong looks bad on you. As the judges said, "some typos are worse than others."

Basically, there's a lot of sloppy writing here, but the effect inside it isn't terrible. With a lot more focus on flow and readability you could have a keep-pile item on your hands.

Headband of Shrouded Memories

review:

Flawless template, but the name isn't very superstar. Smacks of something that protects only from a very, very specific brand of attacks. Meanwhile, i'd call a brass headband a circlet. And you don't need to specify the emeralds are usually placed at the temples. Just say they are.

The item's effect is... Dull. I cannot think of any time I would have wanted to have this item, in any campaign I ever played in. Maybe it's useful when I'm being interrogated? Especially by something with Zone of Truth. But the problem is, I've never been interrogated by anything that wasn't on my side, or that I wasn't already planning on killing. So presumably, this is for NPCs, to make life harder on the PCs. Which isn't fun for the PCs.

Your core effect here just isn't interesting or superstar. But, at least your writing is good, that's something right? Join the club. :p

Crown of Energy

review:

Okay, good template, decent name. Let's see what you have here.

You can scratch "appears to" in the description. "Is" is just fine. Your item's effect, however, is not. Basically, it allows you blanket immunity to energy so long as you're not hit by more than one type per turn, because you can discharge it into "make me immune" mode as a standard action. If you're not fighting two or more wizards at once, that means you probably are immune to all energy types, for only 36k.

It's not a bad idea, but you really missed removing all sorts of potential for abuse with this item. Especially because it's unlimited times per day, and immunity. Those things weren't even low-epic in 3.5e, those sorts of things were mid-epic.

Cantering Stilts

review:

Well, the base template is okay - though your price/cost ratio is off. And also, stilts... Not a likely superstar item. It's like a girdle of giant strength - there's a reason they changed it to a belt. Anyways.

Your used-by line feels like backstory, or attempting to explain what the item does before actually telling us. Either is sloppy, and should have been cut from this. Then, when you talk about activating them, you say they must be 'strapped on' first, but don't clairify what sort of action that is. Standard? Full-round? Ten-minutes? And you say the wearer can mentally change their height. Which implies the wearer is only thinking they are getting taller/shorter. You need to say that it's controlled by mental commands.

Then, we get into your real trouble, that table and all the checks that need to be made all the time - which aren't needed. DC 15 isn't hard for a trained level 1 character. You get these at level 6 or 7, you're never going to fail even the checks while you're 60-ft tall. Likewise, hardness 5 and 20 hp is something that'll be broken in one attack at those levels. Meaning even if I had these, I wouldn't want to wear them, because getting close to a melee enemy means I lose 11kgp. Which is not fun, and more than a little broken.

Boots of the Steady Mountaineer

review:

Some template errors here - "faint transmutation" shouldn't be bold, you need commas in your prices, spells should be lowercase, and if you have an option between two spells, use "or" instead of "/". That said, you should just pick one, rather than giving an option.

Your effect is... not bad. Your formatting could use a lot of work though, and activating the item should be a standard action - not an immediate one. Take a look at the existing wondrous items and see how their format differs from yours. Things like saying "As a standard action, the wearer can activate..." instead of "when activated ... they can be activated as a standard action" are important stylistic differences, and not only do they flow better - but they're Paizo's offical style for these sorts of things. So, keep an eye out for that, and do some more edits and homework, but most importantly, keep at it.

Shinjitsu Mirror

review:

woah, 9th caster level and over 100k? What *is* this? You also missed italicizing your spells, and messed up price/cost ratio.

And then, all it is is constant zone of truth (with a worthless DC for the level a PC could have this) and a once per day true seeing (with the theoretical restriction that it only shows truly what is reflected in the mirror, and thus not everything all around and will often be blocked by your head as you look inside it? Also, you don't need to explain what true seeing does when you already called it out as a spell.

It's two spells in the same can, and massively unbalanced by it's price. Practice more, okay?

Andoran Star Voter 2013

RonarsCorruption wrote:
Cantering Stilts

Thank you for the very meaningful feedback! It is very much appriciated. The near automatic nature at higher level was intentional. The idea was that this was an item that can grow in power as the character grows. You do raise a good point about the low hardness and hitpoints being a bit of a bummer at high level.

Shadow Lodge

Pathfinder Campaign Setting, Companion, Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Neil Spicer wrote:
doc the grey wrote:
Journeyman's Anvil

*Forgot to include the item's name in the body of the submission.

*Didn't follow the template very well. Totally disregarded the BBCode.

*Item includes needless backstory.

*Not particularly innovative. Just a boring crafting item.

*Vote to Reject.

*Because it's hard to find anvils in villages and stuff.

*Reject.

*Rejected.

Thanks Neil, harsh but very helpful. Now I feel like an idiot for asking but what does the BBCode mean? My assumption is the form in which the entry has to be put it but would rather be sure then assume. Also didn't know that the name repetition would be that important.


Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
doc the grey wrote:
Now I feel like an idiot for asking but what does the BBCode mean? My assumption is the form in which the entry has to be put it but would rather be sure then assume. Also didn't know that the name repetition would be that important.
Round 1 Rules and FAQ wrote:

PRESENTATION: Use the presentation for magic items found in the Wondrous Items section of the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Core Rulebook (page 496). The subject line of the submission form should contain only the name of the item. The body of the form should include only the complete item text in the appropriate format (this means the item name will be included in the body as well). DO NOT INCLUDE ANY PERSONALLY IDENTIFYING INFORMATION SUCH AS NAME, AVATAR NAME, ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER, AND SO ON IN THE SUBMISSION ITSELF. Your paizo.com account provides all of the information we need; repeating it in the submission may be grounds for disqualification.

For your convenience, the following text contains all the necessary message board formatting to make your submission comparable to those in the Core Rulebook. You may copy this text to help format your submission, but are not required to do so. Remember that improperly formatted entries may be disqualified. You should not use ALL CAPS for any part of your wondrous item submission. "ZZ" is a placeholder to indicate you should replace that text with appropriate information for your wondrous item.

[ b]ItemName[ /b]
[ b]Aura[ /b] ZZstrength ZZschool; [ b]CL[ /b] ZZth
[ b]Slot[ /b] ZZslot; [ b]Price[ /b] ZZ gp; [ b]Weight[ /b] ZZ lbs.
[ b]Description[ /b]
ZZItemDescriptionParagraph
[ b]Construction[ /b]
[ b]Requirements[ /b] ZZfeats, ZZspells, ZZotherrequirements; [ b]Cost[ /b] ZZ gp

See all those b's in brackets? If you take out the spaces after the first bracket, that's the BBcode for bold text, referred to in the rules as "the necessary message board formatting." You can click the Show button after "How to format your text" directly below the reply box you type in, and it tells you all about the different options. If you copy and paste directly from the template in the rules, you automatically get bold text in all the places indicated; I had to go back and put in the spaces.

(Also, note that the rules explicitly point out that the item name should be included in the body.)


Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Gloves, Steelskin
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 8th
Slot hands; Price 22,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description
Upon first inspection, Steelskin Gloves appear to be oversized, but otherwise ordinary, chainmail gloves. However, once the possessor puts them on, the gloves shrink to size and then disappear into the wearer’s skin leaving the hands with only a faint metallic glint.

Steelskin Gloves protect the wearer’s hands from non-magical fire, cold, acid, and poison. The wearer’s hands cannot be crushed or cut by non-magic weapons.

Any action that requires a strength check based on holding or gripping may be treated as if the wearer has a strength of 18. Throwing, lifting, or actions that require use of muscles beyond the hands and forearms will not be affected. If the wearer already has a strength greater than 18, then the gloves will have no effect.

Striking with the hand/fist while wearing Steelskin Gloves will inflict 1d3 of potentially lethal damage as if the wearer were wearing metal gauntlets.

Wearing Steelskin Gloves reduces the Dexterity prerequisite for the deflect arrows feat from 13 to 11 since the possessor can now simply block arrows and other projectiles without threat of injury to the hands.

The gloves allow the wearer to feel and to perform actions that require nimble use of hands and fingers (e.g. picking locks) as if the wearer was performing the action bare handed.

Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, stoneskin, protection from energy, bull’s strength; Cost 11,000 gp

RPG Superstar 2009, Contributor

Quanir Ramas wrote:
Gloves, Steelskin

*This reads more like a modern take on gauntlets of ogre power. The mechanics all work fine. It's marketable in the sense that everyone would want them. But, it's not Superstar to just update a classic item that's been in the game for more than 30 years.

*Vote to Reject.

*So, they're the gloves that always give you a base 18 Strength (which should be capitalized as a game term), make sure you can handle anything that might be damaging to your hands without harming yourself, and they maintain your tactile senses without ever having to take them off. Is that Superstar? Nope. You're just in an "arms" race with your GM.

*You never have to worry about feeling arrows that strike the guantlets as you deflect them away...and yet, you've got complete tactile sense maintained for picking locks? Sounds contradictory to me.

*Vote to Reject.

*Rejected.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32 , Marathon Voter 2013, Dedicated Voter 2014 aka Phloid

Quanir Ramas wrote:

Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Gloves, Steelskin
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 8th
Slot hands; Price 22,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Good name. Makes sense with the abilities. The price might be high for what these things do.

Quanir Ramas wrote:

Description

Upon first inspection, Steelskin Gloves appear to be oversized, but otherwise ordinary, chainmail gloves. However, once the possessor puts them on, the gloves shrink to size and then disappear into the wearer’s skin leaving the hands with only a faint metallic glint.

Great description. I'm not 100% sure about them being chainmail. Maybe they should have been described as chainmail so fine they appear homogeneous. Almost impossibly small links. Just a small thing. I like that they meld with the skin, but leave the hands metallic.

Quanir Ramas wrote:
Steelskin Gloves protect the wearer’s hands from non-magical fire, cold, acid, and poison. The wearer’s hands cannot be crushed or cut by non-magic weapons.

This item has a lot of little abilities. This first one is very situational. How often does a character need to reach 8 or so inches into non-magical fire, cold, acid, or poison. It's almost not at all useful in a combat situation. Very minor, but not completely useless. Might protect a rogue when he sets off a trap.

Quanir Ramas wrote:
Any action that requires a strength check based on holding or gripping may be treated as if the wearer has a strength of 18. Throwing, lifting, or actions that require use of muscles beyond the hands and forearms will not be affected. If the wearer already has a strength greater than 18, then the gloves will have no effect.

A Strength check based on holding or gripping? Like what? Holding on to cliff or something maybe, but pulling one's self up takes the elbows and shoulders. I can't think of any other Strength checks that would just use the hands. I think you would have been better off writing a few specific situations such as giving a bonus to CMD to avoid being disarmed and bonus to Climb checks because of strong grip. As written it is again very situational and kind of unclear when it might even be useful.

Quanir Ramas wrote:
Striking with the hand/fist while wearing Steelskin Gloves will inflict 1d3 of potentially lethal damage as if the wearer were wearing metal gauntlets.

This one is good. I would have dropped the word "potentially" and just said an unarmed strike is as though the user was wearing gauntlets. Or go bigger with 1d4 damage. Question, if a monk wears these gloves, does he deal any more damage than normal with is unarmed strikes, because that would have been good.

Quanir Ramas wrote:
Wearing Steelskin Gloves reduces the Dexterity prerequisite for the deflect arrows feat from 13 to 11 since the possessor can now simply block arrows and other projectiles without threat of injury to the hands.

Reducing a prerequisite for a feat is kind of odd for a magic item. If anything I think it should be written as "the user is considered to meet the prerequisites for the deflect arrows feat" or something to that effect. And then what if I take the feat and then take the gloves off. Does my feat cease to work? Wait, how do I take these off since they disappeared into my skin?

Quanir Ramas wrote:
The gloves allow the wearer to feel and to perform actions that require nimble use of hands and fingers (e.g. picking locks) as if the wearer was performing the action bare handed.

I wasn't aware that there were penalties for wearing gloves while picking locks and the like. It would be a pretty strict GM who gives you a penalty if you forgot to say that you took your gloves off before picking a lock. Granted this item should have a line about having the same tactile sensation as being bare handed, but this line as written implies that this item doesn't give you penalties while other gloves do.

Quanir Ramas wrote:

Construction Requirements

Craft Wondrous Item, stoneskin, protection from energy, bull’s strength; Cost 11,000 gp

Your spells are not in alphabetical order, but other than that this looks pretty good.

This is not a terrible entry and is well written. You were thinking outside the box in some ways and I think that's great. I think the judges were easy on you though as the gloves don't give you an 18 Strength like gauntlets of ogre power. Just your hands, which is weird and hard to judge in the game. I think the mechanics are kind of wonky, unclear, and overly limited in some ways but I like the theme and where you were going. I hope this helps and good luck next year.

Qadira

If its not to late to hop in here I would love to hear what people have to say. I believe it is missing formatting and has too much of a flavor based effect, but I would appreciate knowing whatever people think.

Subtlety Sheet
Aura moderate illusion;CL 5th
Slot ---; Price 10,000 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
The Subtlety Sheet is a 10x10 canvas cloth, that seems unremarkable on one side, while the other side causes all creatures to subconsciously avoid noticing it. Anything hidden under the Sheet will be glossed over as background noise, requiring a DC 30 Perception check or else be ignored. Anything the Sheet obscures direct line of sight to is treated to the same effect, though this only applies to non-magical forms of detection. As the sheet makes the subject unnoticed rather than invisible effects like See Invisibility and True Seeing do not bypasses the Sheet’s ability. Creatures immune to mind-affecting abilities see the Sheet as a piece of canvas. The Sheet loses all functionality if it is torn, pierced, cut or otherwise damaged.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Misdirection; Cost 5,000 gp

Andoran Star Voter 2013

azur wrote:


Subtlety Sheet

I like it! Brings to mind that scene in Life of Brian when the romans march into that house and don't see the obvious hiding places.

Not sure I it's wise, however, to have it immune to "See Invisibility" and "True Seeing". Otherwise, I think it's very clever (and useful).

RPG Superstar 2009, Contributor

azur wrote:
Subtlety Sheet

Hey, azur...the judges' commentary wasn't especially illuminating. We passed on it pretty quickly, so there wasn't a lot of discussion about it. Here's what I can show you from the judges' forum...

*Meh. It's a new item in the constant arms race to nerf the nerfing spell effects. Kinda boring. And not really necessary. Just not Superstar.

*Vote to Reject.

*Anything hidden under it becomes "background noise"...?

*Vote to Reject.

*Rejected.

For what it's worth, a closer skimming of your writeup indicates you had a lot of missteps in your presentation as well. Mostly, you need to remember to lowercase your italicized spell names. Same deal when you reference your own wondrous item in the description...i.e., it should be subtlety sheet. Skill names need to be capitalized. And so on.

Additionally, I'd say that any item that grants a Stealth bonus is effectively accomplishing the same thing as what you intend with this item. Only, you've made it an auto-success with the ability to hide in plain sight. There just wasn't quite enough to the core idea to really get us jazzed up for it. Better luck next time.

Marathon Voter 2013, Marathon Voter 2014

Pathfinder Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Comics Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion Subscriber

template fu woke up from his annual hibernation - in addition to what Neil has mentioned - he also points out that with 5th edition onwards, slot should be "none;" and not 1,2 or in this case 3 dashes.

For myself, I found the name was lacking in sparkle, but as I am also rather rubbish at item names, I know how hard this is.

The DC I felt to be too high for the price range, and it also seemed at odds with the functioning of the item.

I was expecting that if an enemy enters an area where the sheet is used, he wouldn't consciously notice it - BUT - from your description, I expected that if you made a conscious search effort, then you would notice "where did that sheet come from in a warehouse full of wooden boxes?", i.e. some sort of situational perception DC modifier:

If you are hiding in a laundry warehouse, a sheet could make you very unnoticed - so this might have a high DC, but if consciously searching areas where sheets arent normally found, it would be much lower.

I also found the idea of a sheet made me think of halloween children with sheets over their heads pretending to be Casper.

I might have avoided this imagery had you gone for tarpaulin, or canvas (which could also be used as a camping tent - "dont come into my tent, I have nothing of worth, but the fat barabarian tent over there is far more noticeable" :D ) - be aware of the imagery conjoured by your item naming and powers - it may not be the image you want to portray.

Shadow Lodge

Pathfinder Campaign Setting, Companion, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Thanks Joana much appreciated.

Star Voter 2013

I sorta fell of the reviewing bandwagon last week, sorry guys, stuff came up. As much as I might hope to, I really doubt I'll get to signifigantly more items, so if anyone whose item I didn't touch would like me to look at it, let me know.

Gloves, Steelskin

review:

A good name, and fairly good template use too. The lack of alphabetization has been mentioned already, too. Let's move on.

I like your physical description, except for the lack of ability to take the gloves off later. Do I have to chop my hands right off? At the... elbow, I suppose? By the time I can afford this, I suppose I could regenerate them if I wanted to.

I think it's really weird the places you chose to have numbers. You have treating gripping or holding at 18 Strength, but not a limit on nonmagical fire? I could plausibly stick my hands into the sun with these on, as written. You also reduce the requirements for one specific feat, but then imply that a penalty for lock picking in gauntlets is negated. Maybe you meant armor check penalty?

I suppose it feels a lot more like a grab-bags of "your hands are invincible" benefits, but since outside of the optional subrule for called shots you never have to worry about just your hands in game, so it's a little weird.

Subtlety Sheet

review:

Hmm, the sheet isn't really making you subtle, is it? It's making you ignored. Your weak template-fu has been pointed out above, so I'll not go into that, but that name... I dunno. The alliteration doesn't help, I can tell you that.

As to the effects, one of the major factors is that it's true strong. DC 30 Perception to notice you, with immunity to true seeing? That's mighty powerful, especially for the level of the effect.

Something that others didn't point out is, you call out both that it's a 10x10 sheet and that it can be damaged, but never what that means to a player. If I'm 5'1" tall, would people notice the bottom 1" of my feet if I were to drape it over my head? Or, if I had a group of people huddled together, how about then? What if I were to tie it around my neck like a towel cape or something so I can have my arms free, will people notice me if I stab them from behind it? Or am I really so unnoticed and immune to true seeing that I can just kill everyone, so long as nobody makes that DC 30 Perception.

And about the tearing bit. If you call out any effects for the item being broken in any way, you have to call out how easy it is to break the item. There are rules for it already, but most people don't know where to look that up, and since you've called attention to it people are going to assume it's easier than normal. The way you write it sounds like the sheet only has 1hp.

Dedicated Voter 2013, Marathon Voter 2014

Ronars, thanks for taking time to look at so many items. I know that I already got some relatively detailed and encouraging feedback from the judges, but if you want, take a look at my Warden's Cord.

Full description to save searching the thread, and also because i don't think I posted the full description in my initial feedback request.
Warden’s Cord
Aura: faint necromancy; CL 3rd
Slot: Wrist; Price 7200gp; Weight: 1 lb.
Description
This length of thick cord appears be made of dull strands of bronze and gold. When picked up, the cord wraps itself around the forearm of the wearer. While worn this way, the cord can be commanded to grasp an object in the wearer’s hand, acting as a locked gauntlet, except that the item can be released as a move action which does not provoke an attack of opportunity. Three times per day as an immediate action, when the cord is grasping a melee weapon, if a creature within 15ft. would provoke an attack of opportunity, the wearer can command the cord to briefly extend and make a single attack against that creature using the grasped weapon and at the wearer’s highest attack bonus.
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, spectral hand; Cost: 3600gp

Star Voter 2013

Glad to be of service! I've got to wait a few minutes to see if this script is working, so let me give you a wall of text breakdown.

Warden's Cord

review:

A cord, eh? I don't know how excited I should be over something that brings to mind a thin strip of leather. Your template-fu is pretty good, but not flawless - you missed commas in your prices and italics in your spells. And I think "Wrist" should be lowercase, but looking it up is a better reference than the top of my head.

Your description is okay, except you use that old fallback "appears to be". Or, you try to. Attempting to quote it reveals you actually said "appears be" instead. Didn't catch that right away, but that's a typo, and any typos are bad. Anyways, you should only use "appears to be" when you're going to immediately correct it. "Appears to be silver, but is actually polished steel" "appears to be brick but is actually painted cardboard" sort of deal.

Your second sentence breaks your flow, too. You should join it with the next sentence to keep your momentum going. Writing flow makes a bigger difference than you might suspect.

The mechanics of how a cord works would be much better served by referencing the existing rules for such. I don't recall exactly where they are, but weapon straps. Probably Ultimate Combat. Don't reinvent the wheel when you can, because using existing rules saves you word count and saves PCs and GMs alike headaches.

Finally, four paragraphs of review later, we come to the effects of your item. Three attacks a day as an immediate action. I'm not really impressed with it, really, it's not "wow". It's useful, sure, but its also waaaay better than what the price would indicate, because what it really does is grant 3 AOOs a day, and increase reach. There's nothing saying you can't use this *and* an AOO, which means you might be making two AOOs at once with it.

Ultimately, that's your biggest flaw - it's not really exciting. The judges have said what we should aim for first is "cool", and if you can, bend the rules of the game with your item, this item doesn't do either. But, chin up, because you did hit on an item that people would really want.

Marathon Voter 2013, Dedicated Voter 2014

Anthony Adam wrote:

template fu woke up from his annual hibernation - in addition to what Neil has mentioned - he also points out that with 5th edition onwards, slot should be "none;" and not 1,2 or in this case 3 dashes.

For myself, I found the name was lacking in sparkle, but as I am also rather rubbish at item names, I know how hard this is.

The DC I felt to be too high for the price range, and it also seemed at odds with the functioning of the item.

I was expecting that if an enemy enters an area where the sheet is used, he wouldn't consciously notice it - BUT - from your description, I expected that if you made a conscious search effort, then you would notice "where did that sheet come from in a warehouse full of wooden boxes?", i.e. some sort of situational perception DC modifier:

If you are hiding in a laundry warehouse, a sheet could make you very unnoticed - so this might have a high DC, but if consciously searching areas where sheets arent normally found, it would be much lower.

I also found the idea of a sheet made me think of halloween children with sheets over their heads pretending to be Casper.

I might have avoided this imagery had you gone for tarpaulin, or canvas (which could also be used as a camping tent - "dont come into my tent, I have nothing of worth, but the fat barabarian tent over there is far more noticeable" :D ) - be aware of the imagery conjoured by your item naming and powers - it may not be the image you want to portray.

For me, it's not so much the ghost costume that comes to mind, but Frodo and Sam at the bottom of the bluff and Frodo throws his elven cloak over Sam so the Southerner Warrior stands right in front of them without seeing them.

Which admittedly is way cooler than the Pathfinder cloak of elvenkind, but that's really what's happening here with this sheet.

Star Voter 2013, Dedicated Voter 2014

Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Hi ronars,

I would appreciate some feedback, if you can.

Destrachan’s Lament
Aura moderate abjuration, illusion and necromancy; CL 9th
Slot neck; Price 28,000 gp; Weight 2 lb.
Description
Destrachan’s Lament is a 3 inch circular mithril music box of bizarre design. Stylized destrachans clutch the music box in their mouths, while their tails turn into the chain. The inner workings are clockwork gears of platinum, gold and bronze that whir and click causing the music box to vibrate. The vibrations grant the wearer a +3 circumstance bonus against sonic-based effects. On the back the names of the three tunes can be found written in Undercommon. The sounds produced by Destrachan’s Lament are raucous and thundering, straining most definitions of music.

The wearer can command Destrachan’s Lament to play a tune once per day by speaking the name.

Discordant Reverberation – A screeching blast of music echoes in a 20 foot radius spread centered within 100 feet of the wearer. All creatures in the area of effect must succeed on a DC 18 Will save to avoid being sickened for 1d6+1 rounds. Creatures using hearing-based blindsense or echolocation who fail are also stunned for 1 round due to the overwhelming noise.

Imperceptible Drone – A shrill, infrasonic repeating chord that renders the wearer undetectable to hearing-based blindsense and echolocation per invisibility, greater for 10 minutes a day, which the wearer can divide into 1 minute increments.

Aegis March – A sonorous and clattering march grants sonic resistance 20 for 10 minutes to the wearer and up to 6 additional companions. All companions must remain within 30 feet to retain the resistance. The Aegis March is loud enough to be heard 150 feet away.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bestow curse, communal resist energy, greater invisibility, resistance; Perform (percussion instrument) 7 ranks; Cost 14,000 gp

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