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Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?


Gamer Talk

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I'd like to hear some of the funny stuff said/done at the game table (in game please) that made the whole table laugh.

When my gaming group had just started, we had this kid (senior in HS getting ready for college) who wanted to play a halfling rogue. Because he was terrible at naming in general, we looked the other way when he named his character "Skeeve" (Robert Aspirin Myth- books, for those who don't know), so we're leveling along, doing our thing, listening and /facepalming to all the goofy stuff Skeeve comes up with.

In the course of adventuring, we meet an old knight. Positively ancient. And a little crazy too. I know my DM, and I figured this was his Don Quixote-type guy, who wanted "one last adventure..". I forget what we were fighting, but the knight does this Majestic Charge™ (like something out of the movie Excalibur) and hits his mark, but in the process is run through by two pikes, killing him instantly. Our DM gave us this moment by moment accounting of the knight's passing, how heroic it was, how serene he looked in the face of death, how he went out as he intended...and Skeeve interrupts by saying: "Dibs on the armor.." The knight hadn't even hit the ground yet.

It may not seems so humorous in type, but I swear to any God you place in front of me, we were in hysterics. I still remember that was the one time I laughed so hard that I cried, my sides were killing me, and I had to leave the room...

Andoran

9 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

I wish I could have recorded my friend acting out his cleric's drunken raving. I laughed so hard it gave me a headache while I was gasping for breath.

At a later date, he began to do the exact same thing, when I leaned over as the Healer NPC and said "Jared...Jared...*Remove Poison*', to which he immediately composed himself, looked around the table and said '...I did it again, didn't I?'

Another time involved breaking into a corrupt noble's home. When the half-orc guard slammed the door on the party, Vati the half-orc monk turned to the party and said "Hold on, I speak Orc" and knocked on the door again. When it opened, he punched the guard in the face and started combat.

However, the best line I can remember off the top of my head is spoilered for political correctness.

Spoiler:
As DM I was hunched behind my screen, consulting my notes. A player asked a question, which I did not answer.

Another player said 'Hold on, you have to approach him right. Hello, God, are you there? God? God? Hey God? God?"

I waited a few long moments before raising my head and quipping...

"Just like the real God, I don't answer when called either!"

Qadira

11 people marked this as a favorite.

We were playing 2nd Ed. Forgotten Realms. Our party had garnered quite a bit of fame, and were traveling along when we entered a small kingdom where the ruler had apparently been passing oppressive and often downright strange laws with increasing frequency, calling his sanity into question.

Our party had arrived in two groups. The first had been arrested outside the gates when attempting entry and the wizard (me) had thrown a flashy spell to impress the guards. Apparently, magic had been outlawed.

The second, which had arrived first and was already in town, was still picking up information on the various laws. (Which included banning prostitution, which had put a cramp in the two barbarians' fun.) However, those characters had not heard about the ban on magic.

As they were sitting in a local tavern, a detachment of guards came in. One of them cast a spell (detect magic) and then headed over to the table and announced to the party: "You're under arrest."

To which one of the barbarians immediately replied: "But I've had no whores!"

The DM lost it, followed by the rest of us. We had to take a short break before getting back to the game.

Andoran

This was from my current Traveller group: We had just started the campaign, and our first adventure was basically to rescue the survivors of the GMs last campaign. So while we're all debating where to go with our brand-new Type R scout, the GM stands up, points to a system on the map and gravely announces, "The adventure is here!" I lost it. I still give him a hard time about it...

Taldor

This wasn't really in character, but it was hilarious. We were an evil party, tasked by an almost forgotten god to spread his evil influence on the world. We began in a small town, killing people who nobody will miss with weapons blessed by that god, so that their souls would go directly to him and keep him alive. We also could store the corpses in those weapons, the number of corpses depended on the size of the weapon, so my dagger could carry two and the cleric's scythe (favored weapon of the god) could carry four. The cleric didn't know that his scythe could do that however.

So, we kill a family of four and i absorb the kids. Then the cleric figures, that his scythe could maybe do the same, so he tries it, and it works. The body gets absorbed in the scythe. The player gets a big smile on his face and goes:" Awesome! Copy paste".

We laughed for ten minutes.


One time, me and the party were facing down an ogre. I was having a hard time thinking of something good to do in combat.

"Maybe I could trip him, or like, pull his hat down over his face."
"That's dirty trick," a friend reminded helpfully.
"I think I'll just attack. If I dirty tricked him, I'd have to go take a shower."


4 people marked this as a favorite.

In a near future Call of Cthulhu game, we were running up against a mad scientist who had implanted self-destruct charges in the heads of his minions (who were collge students).

Having discovered the frequency and code to trigger the cortex bombs, we mounted a transmitter in our van and drove around town broadcasting. Then we parked on campus and called the student organization that we thought was most infiltrated by the minions...

ME:"Hi, has anyone's head exploded there lately?"

VOICE on PHONE: <confused> "Uh...no? Who is this?"

<spins the gain on the transmitter to maximum>

ME:"How 'bout now?"

The table lost it.

Andoran

1 person marked this as a favorite.

I was playing a half-orc barbarian in a game where we started out by all the players being invited to a party by the local guards who would then try to recruit you to their cause.

Speaking to the head gaurd at the party, I asked about what they did, duties, etc, and finally asked about a sign-on bonus. The DM explained about honor and duty, etc, and trying to pull a fast one over on my none-to-bright character about the fantastic blue tabard all the guards got to wear! YAY!

I responded with "That stupid sign-on bonus." People lolled.

Andoran

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion Subscriber

This story requires a little background for context.

So, one of our players doesn't cotton to the alignment rules of the game. He never writes down an alignment on his sheet and every character he plays is a one-dimensional, self-serving evil douchebag who claims his actions are for the greater good. He decides he wants to play a cleric of Sarenrae with the Healing and Fire domains but, within the first half-hour of the session, he's clearly shown he doesn't give a lick for Sarenrae's doctrine and he's mutilating corpses, shooting first, murdering captives and threatening companions. The GM in me can't let this go so I protest the character's behavior (I'm playing a LG Cavalier/Bard and it hurts my character's brain to think The Dawnflower would tolerate these actions from one of her priests.)

The GM running the game agrees with me and tells the guy he can't be a cleric of Sarenrae, let alone a good alignment if he's going to act this way. He's offered some ideas for deities who seem to fit the temperament of his character and decides they all suck because they don't offer the domains he wants. In the end, we're stuck with a godless jerk cleric with fire and healing magic who can't tell us what he worships or believes. Fast forward to the next session...

Jerko the Cleric of Nothing has threatened to kill one of our party members at least twice and tried to feed said party member to an otyugh in exchange for safe passage through its lair. My Cav/Bard was off exploring some altar room when this all happened so I couldn't intervene. Later, I come back to the party telling the priest I want him to examine the altar. The exchange goes something like this:

Jerko (to the rest of the party) - I don't know why she's always telling me to look at these shrines and altars and stuff.

Cav/Bard (deadpans) - You're the closest thing to a cleric we have.

Maybe you had to be there or know this particular player but everyone seemed to think that was really funny and I imagine at least half of them detected the acid behind the words. The cleric's player laughed, but I'm not sure he caught the undertones of the joke.


9 people marked this as a favorite.

Pathfinder #19 Howl of the Carrion King Spoilers:

Gnoll Country for Mold Men.


Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Adventure Path, Campaign Setting, Companion, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

I typically DM for my small group so I do a large amount of the talking and have had moments when the table looked at me and just went into hysterical laughter or disbelief over something. Though my group does have moments of epic LOL.

My Fiancée was running a OWoD game and our Changeling happened to be conversing with twin mages who were flirting with him, he wasn't really catching the hints but went to get a bite to eat anyways with them. Our vamp player who hadn't had a girlfriend and was rocking the Vcard just blurts out with "I'd be happy with just one girl". The entire table broke down and had to stop play for 5 minutes.

In a game I was running I was trying something new and everyone was a level 1 npc class who was still adolescent in age. The keep that they'd become wards of came under attack and during a pivotal moment a cousin of one of the PCs who is enlisted in their kingdom's military came through to great PC fanfare and cheering their savior. He defended the PCs against a few soldiers with them throwing pots pans and a few crossbow bolts into the enemy ranks someone finally asked what his name was, as he ran through the soldier he was fighting he turned flashed the classic hero smile and said "I'm corporal Roy Steele". A name like that it just demands attention.

Cheliax

2 people marked this as a favorite.

So we are traveling through a forest and are supposed to find some caverns near a waterfall. I describe that the party hears the sound of running water a bit ahead of them. This brand new player sitting next to me says in complete seriousness, " I put on my waterskin and run toward the river!" We must have laughed for a half an hour.


Evil Lincoln wrote:
** spoiler omitted **

:)


Back in 2ed, our group was drugged by an evil inn-keeper. We each awoke bound in leather shackles to the bed both hands and feet.

A guiteen was set above each of us, and in our hand was a cord, there were cords all over the place. A note said that we could pull the rope or let go of the rope, one action would release the shackles the other would drop the blade.....

My druid promptly turned into a monkey and went to rescue the fighter type. Not bothering to change form he starts towards the fighter, who blurts out....

"Hey don't monkey with that!"

I remember it being funnier...... ;)

Cheliax

4 people marked this as a favorite.

Found some great game qoutes here.


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I recall a 4E game once in which we had a new player in the group. He had opted to make an elf, and really wanted to play up his race's haughtiness. He instantly began grating on my wizard.

During one heated debate, he tries to be as condescending as he can, and simply states...

Elf: I'm sorry, I don't speak "stupid."
Wizard (in elven): Really? I do.

He lost that argument.

Cheliax

7 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Deluxe Comics Subscriber; Pathfinder Adventure Path, Campaign Setting, Cards, Companion, Modules, Roleplaying Game, Tales Subscriber

During our Council of Thieves campaign (The Sixfold Trial) one of my players expressed his concerns at starring in a play called 'The Sex Trolls of Larazod'.

The game stopped for the best part of twenty minutes...

Silver Crusade

16 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure Path, Campaign Setting Subscriber

From Rise of the Runelords:

"This is embarrassing, I can't even hit a Goblin. I mean if I left it alone it would probably just set itself on fire."

Andoran

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure Path, Campaign Setting, Companion, Modules, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

"No way, you can have her, I don't want sloppy harpy seconds."

--One half orc to the other in my Legacy of Fire game after Undrella diverted her attentions from one character to the other due to his bravery.

Sczarni

Pathfinder Companion Subscriber

In our Curse of the Cimson Throne game, when Glorio informed us that he wouldn't let us leave his home, our sorcerer exclaimed, "But we need more string!"

Somehow he thought it would help us if we had more string.


10 people marked this as a favorite.

Last night the party uncovered a treasure chest. On the inside top level of the chest was a mound of gold coins. One of the PCs judiciously used Detect Poison and found that there was poison, but not on the coins as expected. Further searching produced a hidden layer to the chest. Inside of this layer was what appeared to be a tiny cobra. Three failed reflex saves later and the tiny cobra had taken up residence under a PCs clothes in the warmest area it could find...between his legs...a nervous couple of seconds went by...then someone chimed in "why didn't it bite him?" which was immediately followed by another PC..."apparently the snake wasn't intimidated by what he found..."


1 person marked this as a favorite.

Old story.

On-line game my hubby was running.

One old-style Pally(2nd Ed, iirc), Garteth, whose player (a friend and the only one of the group we actually met with in person)had taken a dislike to Indrigo (Illusionist, I think).

Gareth had just aquired his warhorse and Indry bounced up to him and asked if he could touch it. Gareth informed him, smugly, that it was a trained warhorse that would savage anyone it wasn't familar with.

Indry: Can I get familar with your horse?

Gameplay was suspended for about five minutes.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

Our party was tracking down some bad guys in a sewer and one of the PCs was a cavalier (order of the cockatrice). Due to the tight quarters, we were having a tough time squeezing everyone in and the cavalier was stuck near the back. Finally, there was only one bad guy left and he was basically surrounded on all sides. The cavalier finally got his chance to step into melee range and proudly proclaimed: "I challenge you to single combat!"

We all got a good laugh out of that one.

Sczarni

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Companion Subscriber

The party reaches a really creepy and clearly dangerous castle that they have to enter to complete the next part of the quest. The Oracle detects evil on some NPCs outside but become overwhelmed with how massively evil the castle is.

Oracle: We are marching to our deaths!
Me (fighter): Nay, we are marching to our destiny! [My character proceeds to march towards the castle entrance... wait... I forgot some weapons I dropped. He goes back and picks them up and then starts to march towards the entrance.] Now, we march to our destiny!
GM: So you don't want all the treasure on the bad guys you just killed?
Me: My character stops before reaching the bridge and sits down on a rock while everyone identifies the loot.
[Half-Hour Later]
Me: (less enthusiastic) Good, we are done. Onto our destiny...


Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

My players are approaching "The Black Citadel" a hook they had gotten from some hippogryphs- the master of the Citadel forced them from their ancestral breeding grounds. The walls are lined with skeletons, and the gryphs take fire, some break formation to pick of the archers, the party heads into a central tower. After defeating a room of undead, the party heads upstairs... but for a lone member who stays to identify a family crest he has seen and check the chest under it.

The rest of the party meanwhile is confronted at the throne atop the tower by a succubus, and as I play it, the succubus always has a chance to enthrall a partymate into fighting for her, the wizard falls into her grasp. The door swings shut and the party begins trying to reason with the demoness and her current slave.

After a few rounds, the Monk/Paladin, Ptomely, come up stairs, he is worried about his friends and a tad paranoid. Detects evil at the large wooden door, and I rule through the slats he can see the intense evil aura. His typical accent breaks so instead our caramel desert dweller kicks down the door and in his best IRISH accent to date screams "YOU! You're dead!"

We cracked up.


2 people marked this as a favorite.

Edit: It seems the TC was asking for in-game quotes. Sorry- mine are out-of game, but I love sharing them nonetheless.

I've got three quotes- all of which are funnier, in my opinion, if they have little to no explanation (also, I do apologize, but two involve an F-Bomb):

Quote 1:
From the DM to a player, mid-combat: "You can't spring attack a f#&k!"

Quote 2:
DM: "Make an intelligence check."
Player: "I'm gonna take 10. I get an 8."

Quote 3 (my all-time favorite gaming quote):
Player: "Is this tree more... demonic-looking?"
DM: "Nick, it's made of f#&king bodies!"


23 people marked this as a favorite.

This was in a d20 Call of Cthulhu game set in the days just before the entry of Great Britain into World War II. The PCs were trapped on a freighter where the entire crew had been slaughtered by ravaging reptile creatures. We (the PCs) had been herded toward the bow of the boat, and it was looking like we either fight or jump when a German U-boat surfaced. One of the PC's shouted, "It's the Nazis! We're saved!"

Good times


Okay none of these are all that funny, but after the whole Charlie Sheen interview the references just made their way into our games, and I don't mean one game I mean every game since. I had forgotten about this when I was running one night.

Set up is the players in are a cavern after defeating a couple of black puddings one of my players who is notorious about the Sheen jokes pipes in with this.

Player: "I'm checking the floor."

Me: "Okay what are you looking for?"

Player: "Rocks are there any rocks?"

Me: "No the floor is smooth stone almost looks man made."

Player: "So there's no rocks?"

Me: "Nope."

Player: "So I can't find any 7 gram rocks."

Play broke down for about ten minutes while we got the rest of the comments in and groaned at the bad jokes.

Shadow Lodge

I was running a novel inspired campaign where one of the players had to take Commoner levels, but had a special ability to make up for it. This ability only activated in times of extreme distress. And even then, not always. No one really knew how it worked, including the player running the character. They did, however, know he could do something to great effect....

During one particularly brutal combat with a great many fumbles for the party and a few lucky crits for me, they were all anxiously awaiting the Commoner to come to their rescue. And he was not living up to expectation.

HIM: "I'm sorry. But it could be awesome."

FIGHTER (barely concious): "I don't know how awesome it could be, but I know how awesome it isn't!"

Shadow Lodge

1 person marked this as a favorite.

We were a new team of Hellions (a la Hellfire Club). I was playing a healing-factor-invulnerability mutant, who, by stint of being a reckless teenager, was brash and quite a bit of a bully. Another PC in the group was a mental-power mutant, with telepathy and mind blasts. She had a tendency to say she was going to tell the White Queen what we're up to whenever the group got too rambunctious.

So, one day, we're all discussing what sort of superhero (supervillain?) names we all want for ourselves. I proudly declare that her super-name is Tattletale.

Her: "Don't call me Tattletale or I'll--"

Me: "Or you'll WHAT?"

Her: "... Okay, I'm Tattletale."


Our game an an character (cant remember if it was PC or NPC) named Scant. Lots of jokes about "having scant" or "scant reply."

ALso I was playing a halfling who was not a rogue. Someone started talking eluding to halflings being good at "scouting' and "nimble fingers." My character didnt understand for a moment and asked the speaker to explain. After a few moments my character had a revelation and said "OH, You mean like my Cousin Schmitty." Became a running joke. I even play a PBP now where my character is named Cousin Schmitty. ;-)

Osirion

1 person marked this as a favorite.

2e days. Half-gold dragon Cavalier. I was 12th level. Could breath fire 3 times a day. Boss fight. I used up my breath weapon taking out the boss and his henchmen. After the fight, I'm cleaning up and saying prayers for the dead. Hafling thief founds the treasure and sees a gem the size of his fist. The guy playing the halfling is 5'3" and weighed somewhere around 250 pounds. And he was hispanic which he played up. We're playing this at the game store. In character, he gets up out of his chair and goes running around the table screaming "MINE!" We're giggling at this. Finally, on his thrid lap, I get out of my chair, stop him, look him and take a deep breath trying to get myself under control and before I say anything, he says in a very tiny voice "Yours?" while holding out his hand. There wasn't a dry eye in the place. Nor was there a short line to the restrooms.

Second: LG. Slot Zero a mod that had lots of undead. The DM was from the Triad in our region. My friend is playing a cleric of Wee Jas. They had just announced that week that Control Undead was considered an Evil act. Didn't matter what you used Command Undead for, it was still an evil act. I'm the other cleric (rogue/cleric trying for Temple Raider), so the two of us are the only ones doing any real damage to the wraiths that have us trapped in a building. The entire adventure he and the Triad member had been b@#$#ing about the rules change. Finally, my friend looks at us, realizes the ONLY chance we have to survive is if he uses Control Undead. He says "Don't anybody tell the Triad..." and the entire table just dies laughing. He's looking around at us with a confused look on his face, before someone points at the DM. "Oh." Then it dawns on him "OH! You're on the Triad."
Two of us were holding onto the table for dear life. Took us about a half hour to get over it.

Third: Same guy playing a cleric of Pharasma. SoD AP. Book 4. They're fighting what they call the Gasoline Elemental. Fighter is caught in a grapple. Cleric goes through a bunch of spells before announcing that he only has a couple left.
Cleric:"I don't know if this will help you any."
Fighter: "What you got left?"
Cleric: "Freedom of Movement."
Fighter: "No. No, it won't."
Me and the other players lost it. Ten minutes and a smoke break latter...

Of course, whenever I say the phrase "Let me show you how it's done." my character shows you how to end up dead.

Shadow Lodge

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The PCs are carefully traveling through the forest, and come to the edge of the woods, and a cabin. They are in an enemy kingdom, so they are particularly cautious. They camp and spy on the cabin. They watch as a teenage boy approaches, is greeted by an old woman, and enters. They listen to the conversation. The boy is a messenger for the enemy army. The old woman is his grandmother. They have a cordial, family conversation, she gives him a basket of something covered in cloth, and the boy leaves.

The PCs, as can be expected, are horrendously suspicious and plan an attack. The group's fighter, however, refuses to participate. He's quite convinced that it's just a teenage boy paying a visit to his grandmother, and that they'll find her inside, probably baking muffins.

So, the other PCs orchestrate a complex tactical assault on the cabin, above the protests of the fighter. They invade, find out that the old woman is really just an old woman, take what supplies they can, and leave.

The fighter's waiting outside, sick of the paranoia and unnecessary violence of his compatriots.

"Satisfied?" he barks.

"We... um... found some muffins. Would you like some?"

"I don't want your blood muffins!"


I don't have a good story, I just want to dot this thread for the epic lulz. I do want to say that I love the one about declining blood muffins best, though.

Andoran

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Comics Subscriber; Pathfinder Adventure Path, Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Hm, I can think of a few of these. One of my friends has a tendency to throw out pretty amusing lines.

In a long running adventure the players met up with an NPC who they didn't fully trust but worked with them over an extended period of time until they finally let their guard down around him. Waiting until they had overcome the big bad who was the mutual enemy and the party was at their most vulnerable(on a hostile plane), he turned and pointed at my buddies character(the parties arcane caster) and cast a spell. Identifying it as disintegration the character got as far as "You little s..." before he was turned into dust.

Another campaign had the higher level characters in a setting where they were born out of a prophesy and thus were the only people who could be raised in this world. An evil race tried to escape their own destruction by sealing their spirits away in a stone that acted similarly to magic jar and allowing golems to try and cause anyone who came there to become possessed by them. Long story short, the party had the floor wiped with them and only two were left standing by the time the golem was brought down, one of whom was possessed(unknown to the other).

Taking a moment to try and decide if the room was safe enough to rest in so he could bring back the downed party members he examined a magic circle around a pillar filled with those stones, trying to figure out just what it was containing. Before he could decide the possessed character came up behind him and gave him a shove into the circle, causing him to get possessed as well.

Fast forward some, the characters all were reincarnated(slight adjustment to how their revival normally worked to maintain the campaign). A year ICly passed with the characters separate after accomplishing their goals before something brings them back together, I had each of the players in a one on one to describe what they did over that year and when they all got back together the others had done things like set up a school or tend to land they had been bequeathed. Our hero however, returned in his original body(as opposed to the reincarnated form of all the others), holding the severed head of the other character's old body. He walked up to him, hands him the head and simply goes "Don't push me again."

Sczarni

"I'm just a neutral evil NPC.. what you want me to do?"

Happend last game!


12 people marked this as a favorite.

An old classic from our first Pathfinder final edition game:

The party has just fought off a bunch of dark elves trapping a Shaitan genie sorceress in her temple. They beat them down and send them reeling, leaving them and the Shaitan genie alone in the room. Unknown to them, the Shaitan genie was actually a dark elf sorceress using an illusion to appear as a Shaitan genie, planning to send the PCs on a wild goose chase to buy herself time and willing to sacrifice a bunch of minions to do so.

The paladin of Cayden Cailean, Bartholomew Daytiger, talks to her for a bit afterwards and she begins to give them her lengthy quest. He gets the feeling "You know, this isn't how I expected a Shaitan genie earth elemental to act" and uses detect evil on her. Boom, her aura pings black as night, evil. With this new information, the paladin leans over to her and whispers...

"Did you know that you're evil?"

The surprise round began with Bartholomew being disintegrated.


1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

We were playing 3.5/Eberron weekly with a regular group of 3 players, and a fourth slot that we could never keep filled for more than a few weeks at a time. After the group comes up with a plan that would surely get my character killed, the new guy quips "Don't worry, you'll be avenged."


Ice Titan wrote:
The surprise round began with Bartholomew being disintegrated.

Harsh. o-o;


9 people marked this as a favorite.

A Druid and a ranger was in a forrest where the trees were trying to eat them. When they escaped, the ranger told us, "The trees are alive! The fighter answered: "Of course the trees are alive."

Shadow Lodge

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Lorm Dragonheart wrote:
A Druid and a ranger was in a forrest where the trees were trying to eat them. When they escaped, the ranger told us, "The trees are alive! The fighter answered: "Of course the trees are alive."

Ah, the "Are you smarter than the party fighter?" edition. Always classic. Love it!

A PC party was investigating why a remote village had stopped trading with the outside world. On the way, they found a bear that lived in the area, had spent time in and around the village. The party druid starts speaking to the bear, asking about the area. It eventually got to strategy:

"Bear, do you know a way to sneak into town?"

"Yes. Go into town very, very quietly."

Sczarni

4 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Companion Subscriber

Thor - The GM
Caleb - Panos, the spartan weapons master of Korvosa.
Richard - Windsong, the traveling druid.
Wally - KB, the kobold bard extraordinaire.
Sara - Tally, the female blind oracle of battle.
Luke - Lapis, the stormbringer magus of wrath.

"Windsong, make a Knowledge Nature check; the DC is '2 or higher on the die'." - Thor

"KB is not shaken." - Thor
"...but is he 'stirred'?" - Wally

"I'm attacking the one by my rear." - Rick
"Cloaca?" - Caleb
"Stegosauruses totally have cloacas!" - Sara
"Coaculia!" - Caleb (exhuberant)

"+22 to the face." - Thor
"to your face." - Luke

"..." - everyone (while waiting for Caleb to tap down 33 points of damage on his iPad)

"Why are you at 6 now, what happened?" - Sara (to Caleb)
"He got jacked." - Rick

"Count Cloacula!" - Thor (in a deep voice)

"This guy's never been touched." - Thor
"He's a virgin." - Caleb
"Wait...(rolls die)...no, he's not." - Thor

[Rick farts]
"Uh-oh, roll Save Vs. Breath Weapon!" - Caleb

"...who'm I gonna kill..." - Thor (under his breath)

"Cloak of charisma...for Panos?" - Thor
"I don't need it." - Panos (looking at beard in mirror)

"Does Tally put it on?" - Thor (referring to Krojun's sredna)
"Is it magical?" - Sara

"I can hear, I'm not blind." - Sara

"Is that sarcasm?" - Caleb
"Well, I am being diplomatic." - Sara

"What 'special tent'?" - Lapis
"It's the kind that doesn't fall down when you shake it." - KB
"...don't they call that 'animal husbandry'?" - Caleb

"KB is crying, and his Shoanti war paint is running from the tears." - Luke

"What type of action is 'getting married'?" Is it full-round?" - Caleb
"Pretty sure it's a death effect." - Luke
"And does it show up with 'Status'?" - Sara

"I'm gonna go polish my shield...or something." - Panos

"Has anything involving marriage ever caused the Shoanti to go to war?" - Tally
"Oh, all the time!" - Akram the Truthspeaker

Taldor

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Pathfinder Comics Subscriber; Pathfinder Adventure Path, Tales Subscriber

It was a while ago, back in 3.5. We were doing the standard meet-and-greet at a tavern. Soon after we were all together, a halfling approached us to offer us a job.

DM: The halfling jumps up on your table and stands in front of you(character A).

Player B(me): His halfling penis is in your face.

Table erupts in laughter.

DM: It's a female halfling.

Player B: Okay, her halfling penis is in your face.

Table erupts again, game temporarily halts.

We have more written down somewhere, I'm just not sure where they are at the moment. I'll direct others from my group here in case they have them. Good times.

Qadira

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Pathfinder Maps, Tales Subscriber

We had been campaigning for a few years by this point and were middling level, just really starting to fight demons. We were working in a city on the border of Tethyr and Amn called Riatavin, trying to restore some order to the area as the city was in a struggle after ceding to Tethyr from Amn. One of our compatriots, a half-elven ranger who I will not name to protect his identity... had broken off during a patrol looking for an assassin as I recall and encountered several minor demons. He fought off and chased a group of the little ones and was pursuing them when he encountered some of the noble city guard. Since we were all sworn special constables of the city, he enlisted the two human guards to head down into the sewers with him to finish fighting these demons.

The trusting human guards immediately followed him into the dark and scary sewers to battle unknown demons, so bold and brave were they. Since they were both armed with swords and shields, our archer ranger held the torch so that they could see in the dark, lonely, scary sewers. As humans, their eyes were not as good in the darkness as the bold half-elf's.

So off they go traipsing through the fetid darkness, whence they encounter a somewhat larger and scarier demon. The brave and loyal and trusting human guards immediately engage the foul creature, counting on the support of the brave hero of the city. The brave hero who shoots the demon to no effect with his rather normal arrows. The brave hero who realizes that he can not readily harm the demon. The brave and good-aligned hero who sees another demon approaching from the other direction. The brave hero who takes the torch and flees up out of the sewer... leaving the two brave and trusting and loyal human guards to be swallowed by the absolute darkness of the sewer that would quickly be their bloddy grave.

To this day, I still won't let him carry the torch.

Qadira

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Pathfinder Maps, Tales Subscriber

I know, not exactly one liners...

This little anecdote is about how sometimes the DM is too good of a story teller...

Our brave band of merry folk, having defeated several challenges that faced us, were feeling quite good about ourselves. We had defeated a couple of sub-bosses and uncovered some of the larger plot (at least we thought we had) and were on our way on the next leg of our adventure.

We were merely travelling from point A to point B at this time, with nothing planned by us in between. The next part of our quest awaited us in a defined place (at least to our characters) and we were promptly heading there by the most direct route - which happened to be a main road between two towns. We started feeling ill about something in the environment, but even in our alerted state, we could detect nothing.

We travelled on several more hours and were getting near dark. This is when most groups of adventures would pull of the road at a safe place and make camp. So we started to look for a good place. We noticed a road heading north into a small valley, and with the sun setting decided this might be a good place. Except when we reached the road, our eerie feellings intensified and we looked up the road to see... mist.

Our nature savvy ranger decided that a good roll would be able to tell us whether this mist was a natural occurrence based on the prevailing wether conditions or something else. He rolled rather well and it was determined that this could not possibly be "normal" mist.

It was getting dark. Our options were limited. But there might be xp down that misty trail...

Or there might also be something more sisnister than xp - the things you have to defeat to earn it.

We had defeated everything thrown at us. We weren't on a serious in-game time crunch. This should be a piece of cake. A no-brainer decision.

And we definitely fit that description.

It was clear from the description that our DM had given us that this was some serious mist.

So we ran away.

From mist.

And the DM took a pile of papers from behind his screen and promptly threw them over his shoulder.

Most PC's at least look at what is out there before making the decision to cut and run... heck, some of them even get into the fights that are over their heads. We need no such lessons - we clearly know when we are outmatched...


R. Doyle wrote:

So we ran away.

From mist.

And the DM took a pile of papers from behind his screen and promptly threw them over his shoulder.

I've been this DM more times than I care to remember. If the players aren't interested in the adventure/plot hook presented they can say so. Running screaming away from something the DM took time to craft especially for the players is bad play, and borderline insulting. I've ended campaigns over similar circumstances.

Qadira

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Pathfinder Maps, Tales Subscriber

Ok, this one has a one-liner in it...

Another anecdote to amuse me...

Our party was travelling through the woods tracking a bunch of goblins. Thrilling, I know. As usual, we had been drinking our adult beverages while we played, because gaming isn't gaming without it. There was plenty of the usual amusement to go around, and our PC's were generally being very successful.

Our ranger, our glorious ranger, was doing some of the best tracking of his life. He rolled nothing less than 15 on the die, and was managing some incredible tracking scores. Since he was rolling so well, the DM was providing an abundance of information. This was not enough for our ranger though - he wanted more. He finally rolled a nat 20 and was asking every detail imaginable. The rest of us, having been playing for a while, but sitting and drinking for a lot of it since he started his sherlock-holmes-in-the-forest routine, were growing a bit rambunctious.

Ranger "Do I find any tracks?"
DM " Yes, with that roll, you find them all."
Ranger "Can I tell what they are?"
DM "Goblins... same as you have been tracking all along."
Ranger "How many of them are there?"
DM "At least a score."
Ranger "Can't I tell exactly? I got a nat 20."
DM "sigh... fine, there are 20."
Ranger "Were they carrying anything?"
DM "Yes, stuff."
Ranger "Heavy stuff?"
DM "Heavy enough to make some prints deeper."
Ranger "How old?"
Me "37, and his name is Dennis. Is that enough detail for you?"
Everyone "<laughter>"
Ranger "I meant how long ago..."
Me "Sure you did, I was just skipping ahead... now can we get going?"

To this day, he can't ask that question without someone laughing...


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The PC's have previously ridden into Farm Country, and have stopped for the evening in a Public House. While drinking the local brew, the Fighter and his 7 INT (played with great and fantastic aplomb by my friend John) realizes that there are no Humans anywhere in town. The entire town is Halflings.

"Where are all the farmers?" he asks the party.

"The Halflings are the farmers," they tell him.

He pauses and thinks about this for a very, very long time.

Finally, he says with the most genuine, concerned, astonished voice you've ever heard "But... if the Halflings are the farmers... HOW DO THEY REACH THE CORN?"

Ten minutes later, play resumed. :)


Ramarren wrote:

In a near future Call of Cthulhu game, we were running up against a mad scientist who had implanted self-destruct charges in the heads of his minions (who were collge students).

Having discovered the frequency and code to trigger the cortex bombs, we mounted a transmitter in our van and drove around town broadcasting. Then we parked on campus and called the student organization that we thought was most infiltrated by the minions...

ME:"Hi, has anyone's head exploded there lately?"

VOICE on PHONE: <confused> "Uh...no? Who is this?"

<spins the gain on the transmitter to maximum>

ME:"How 'bout now?"

The table lost it.

Speaking of phones...

This was an OOC, someone made a snide remark, so I make a "ring ring" noise, pick up my finger phone, and say, "Hello. No, no we didn't call for that."

We all burst out laughing, it's a recurring joke now heh.


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This is probably only funny to me and my group...

We were playing Vampire, and the group needed to distract the two heavily armed ghouls guarding a door so they could get in and mess up some cult of set activities...

The player elected to be the distraction says "Okay, I know how to really get their attention," with a tone that said "Don't worry, I've got this," his character then walks up the sidewalk until he is in front of the steps that lead up to the door being guarded and shouts "Hey you jerks, punch my butt!"

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