| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Sorry for the long post, but needs the setting to make it appropriate.
I'm currently GM/DM-ing a Curse of the Crimson Throne group (friends since high school/college) and play in a different group that is in the Council of Thieves AP.
In the CotCT game that I run, the PC's, (Human Fighter, Half-Elf Cleric of Sarenrae, Human Ranger/Wizard and Gnome Sorcerer), are trying to on the down-low, locate some deserting city guards for the watch commander. They track them to this butcher shop. They stake out the place for an entire day and watch all the routine of the workers/guards. They head in the next day to unearth/gathrer further information and apprehend the one guard they are looking for. They get stonewalled by the guy behind the butcher shop counter, mainly due to terrible rolls. The sorcerer, who usually plays a big bruiser fighter types, tells me he jumps up on the counter and wants to intimidate the guy into telling him where they guard the party is looking for him is.
Gnome Sorcerer (after jumping on the countertop): " Tell me where he is you SOB or I'm going to call the guards!"
Me (as DM): "Roll your intimidate check"
Sorcerer(rolls): "No problem. I have a +7... F*^%, I rolled a 1!"
Me: The guy behind the counter sighs, turns and looks over his shoulder and yells in the back room, "Guards!"
The party ends up fighting all of the deserting guards in the building at the same time in the front of the shop. So much for discretion...
-------
In the CoT AP we encountered a vampire-like guy (vague enough to avoid a spoiler tag) in a scroll filled room. Me , playing a wizard, roll better initiative and go before he does and cast Web to hold him in place. We have a melee centric party (Fighter, Monk, Cleric and a melee druid) that gripe that they cannot get in to do any real damage. Three rounds of ranged weapon exchange passes with much frustration. The druid, fire domain, decides to use burning hands to get at the EBG, to burn off the web so she can get in there to melee and damage him in the process. She ends up pissing him off, due to setting fire to the scrolls he was studying, and he proceeds to attack only her in melee, for the next few rounds.
The conversation goes like this:
Druid: "He really hates me doesn't he?"
The DM: "Yes, you burnt his scrolls."
Fighter: "Yeah, he's not attacking me at all. It's like he has a hard-on for you."
Me: "She'll be fine. She just needs to cast the Warp Wood spell she has memorized."
Ten minutes later and a few bathroom breaks, we resumed the combat.
|
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
In 2nd ed, on a behind enemy lines-type mission in Thay, facing yet another bowel-loosening terror (can't remember which, there were so many. Maybe it was Tasha's Uncontrollably Hideous Sister?) the DM was trying to describe the effect the latest horror was having on us. It was obvious he was looking for the right word, and kept extending the sentence longer and longer in the hopes the word will come to him in time to avoid making him look foolish:-
DM: (after a lot of words already!) '...the hideous sight before you makes you want to retch up your last meal and evacuate the previous one, makes your pupils dilate and your heart beat faster....as your brain releases a substance....that scientists like to call....'
Me: '...urine!'
DM: '...adrenaline!'
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Mario Moment! I love causing those moments for my parties.
Heck, I have one with them expecting that and they find the princess playing a game with the dragon.
Me(GM): You walk in the room under your Wizard's Invisibility Spell. You see the Princess and the White Dragon, whom is barely large enough to ride, playing chess with a slightly large Chess set.
Party decloaks as they charge the dragon.
My Friend(C-GM) as the Dragon: *Roars in pain as the Paladin lands his attack.*
My Friend(Co-GM) as the Princess: "No! Please don't hurt him!"
Paladin: "Why not!? He kidnapped you!"
My Friend(Co-GM) as the Princess: "What!? He saved me from being forced to marry the Baron of Cattoran!"
Party stops and the Rogue, who had failed a acrobatics check to stay up on the ice in the lair with a roll of a 1 and chose to take an embarrassing explanation of his pants falling around his feet, pops off with: "Well this is even more of a Caught with our Pants around our feet waiting to be Bum ******..."
NOTE: The Baron was their BBEG and they knew it.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
|
| 9 people marked this as a favorite. |
From a PFS game saturday, player playing the iconic Gunslinger, trying to track ammo.
Him: Hmm, have I fired 4 shots or 5?
Me: (GMing) "In the heat of the moment I kind of forgot myself. But considering this is a +1 reliable pistol, the most powerful handgun in Pathfinder society, the question you should be asking yourself is, do you feel lucky?"
Didn't make everyone laugh, but there was a clear generational divide on who did and didn't.
|
|
| 8 people marked this as a favorite. |
I had a fun weekend at MegaCon. Most of the best lines came from the tables I was GMing, rather than the ones where I played.
My first session, I had a little girl who was maybe 8 or 9 years old playing an archer ranger and just wanting to go around shooting everything. At one point, they're trying to break into a warehouse in broad daylight on a busy city street, with a guard sitting on a barrel right outside. After explaining that starting a fight in the middle of the city might attract unwanted attention, she responded with such great lines as "It's not a fight if I just use an arrow" and "But he's asking for it. He's sitting on a barrel." That kid was hilarious, and young enough that she didn't understand why.
From a different adventure, and I won't give any details. The line speaks for itself:
"The chair attacks you."
"Good thing I took favored enemy: furniture"
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
So my sister, a friend and I are playing Swords and Wizardry. One of the players (we'll call her Shirley) doesn't really like S&W, preferring Pathfinder, but it's the only game we have. Shirley rolls up a character with crappy stats and repeatedly tries to get him killed. When she finally succeeds, she starts rolling up a new guy. Meanwhile, the hobgoblins who killed her are chasing the fighter.
Shirley starts getting really good stats. She cheerfully informs us that this will be the character she actually cares about.
Now, something to know about Shirley is that she's used to playing a diplomancer. Her PF character has a maxed-out Bluff and a really good Diplomacy, and can generally convince people the sky is falling. So she's of course expecting a similar style here, even though Swords and Wizardry doesn't use rolls for deception/persuasion.
Her "real" character (a top-notch archer) enters the game and steps between the hobgoblins and the fleeing fighter. She then puts up her hands and says..."Wait!"
The hobgoblins don't wait. They both swing, and one hits. At this point, Shirley realizes she hasn't rolled her HP, so she quickly does so as I roll damage.
She happily informs me that she rolled max.
I nervously inform Shirley, "So did he."
And now she refuses to play Swords and Wizardry.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Said by a former player to my game, after they had arrived at the spot of bother, whilst knocking on a castle door:
"We're here to stop the evil!"
Also said by same player, when I was running them through the classic Against the Giants, after they had essentially slaughtered a room full of giants:
"I don't know if we should go any further. We could get into trouble."
RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32
|
After a discussion on if raptor were carnivores or only scavenged for food, and right after I rolled dice for the said raptor's turn:
Me (GM): Yes, they are dirty vegans that want to share a salad and give you a hug. It charges, gets a full attack, and messes you up.
Player: That solves that debate.
|
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Fudge game, my father was playing a Truman Capote ( is that spelled right?) author who drank and smoked heavily, and his buddy (Arnold Stang) was the same. The other guy was an asthmatic professor, and on the second night, the following happened.
Truman: "We're coming into your room to discuss this!"
Arnold: "Yeah! Cause ours smells like cigarettes and cheap booze!"
| 9 people marked this as a favorite. |
So lately I've been dropping these in here without much context, but this deserves a bit of backplay before delivery.
Last night's "holy crap we're starting at 1st level" game, the party is facing off against the Half Fiend Gnome, self-proclaimed "Goblin King" (in all of his Bad David Bowie Impression glory), and he's sent his four Bugbear guards out after us (mind you, we're only 2nd level, this could get nasty).
The Bugbears 1 and 2 have been dispatched by judicious use of my musket, the Cleric's summoned eagle, and the Ranger's bow. The Wizard, on the other hand, has foolishly decided to go throw Burning Hands on Bugbears 3 and 4 and nail them with fire-y doom.
He has now taken roughly half of his hit points from Bugbear 3's good, solid hit against him.
Bugbear 4 is on fire, and nearly dead, and spends his action trying to put himself out. Bugbear 3, although also on fire, is quite healthy and thus is still a problem, so I move my Gunslinger up to cover and let Bugbear 3 have it.
I'd forgotten that pistols have a X4 crit multiplier. So when I roll, and get a crit threat, then confirm the crit, I roll my 1d8+1 and my other 1d8+1 and give the GM my total.
"It's a x4 crit," he says.
"It... Oh man, you're right."
Total damage is rolled. Over twice Bugbear 3's remaining hit points. The GM describes a scene like unto one from Django Unchained.
Shouts the Wizard's player "Oh Gods Above! I can't tell which blood is mine and which is the Bugbear's!"
Without missing a beat, the Bard's player replies "The blood that's on fire is probably the Bugbear's."
|
| 7 people marked this as a favorite. |
I dont know if i can do this one justice but i'll try.
Party of four (Alcoholic sorcerer(me), reincarnated lion trapped in a man's body, narcisistic and manipulative cleric and some other guy i forget)
We hear theres trouble in the farm land and decide to investigate. We come to a field where the crops are stained with blood, concerned, we go to the farm house where we are greeted by a middle aged farmer.
Cleric: Can you tell us what happened in your fields?
(DM)FarmerThey came in the night and took my son, creatures of shadow. Terrible monsters that smelled of blood and corruption. They've been in the fields for weeks and no one helps us. They slaughter the cattles without cause or reason. We can hear them torture the cows in the night as they cry in pain. THE COWS MAN! THINK OF THE COWS!
(me)Sorcerer: Dont worry we'll save the cows
Farmer: What about my son?
Sorcerer: You have a son?!?
We couldnt stop laughing. The DM had gone on such a long rant on how the cows were being killed that we had completely forgotten about the guys son.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
"This thing's acidic, right? Means we need a base. Where's Skrillex when you need him?" - when fighting a gelatinous cube.
There was also the time the barbarian encountered another gelatinous cube on her own. I called for initiative rolls. She rolled a 1. The whole table laughed. I rolled initiative for the cube, and got a 3... for a total initiative result of -2.
"That glorious moment when you roll 1 initiative and still get to move first!"
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
@El Ronza: I am Co-GM'ing a Modified a Modified d20 Modern Game that incorperates somethings from Pathfinder. We have a "Smart Hero" hacker who has been nicknamed Neo because of his crazy rolling.
Best line from that game:
Warrior: "I need ammo!"
Mage: "Really I am perfectly fine."(Casts a spell while covered in Ammo belts.)
Rogue("Neo"): (Tosses a Maazine to the Warrior)"Jackass Mage. Doesn't need that ammo he is just an accident waiting to happen."
Mage: "Kiss my a..."(Gets hit by the enemy Mage's Fireball)
"Neo": "See what I mean! He went up faster than a Fart lit on fire in a Sawdust Factory!"
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
On a small side quest from the main adventure---the typical find and rescue an important persons lost kid...
Entering a large cave with a large number of sleeping owl-bears
The party Dwarf--in a whisper--"Hey kid if you are in here don't make a sound"
Then remembering that we were still just following up on rumors of where the kid could be lost at...
Dwarf--in a whisper--"Hey kid are you in here?"
| 5 people marked this as a favorite. |
About a month ago on my Monday night game:
The party had arrived in an isolated, creepy swamp-town ruled by a cruel theocrat of an evil god and reluctantly agreed to do a job for him which required that they trek through untamed wilderness. They asked for some lighter armor since they were mostly wearing medium maror and not only wanted to move faster in an area that already cuts their overland speed but also didn't want to die due to armor check penalties when trying to Climb/Swim their way out of quicksand, so, after succeeding on a Diplomacy check, they were loaned some leather armor by the guards. I had them note that a large symbol of the theocracy had ben scorched into the leather. Not a one of them having ranks in Survival, they hired a local hunter to help them not get lost along their journey.
On their first night around the campfire, the party's cleric asked the hunter what she and her family thought of the theocrat. The hunter stares at the symbol of the theocracy on the cleric's armor and responds, monotone, "We love the theocrat."
GM: "No one is going to f@#k with the lizard man from now on."
|
|
Nighttime in a little village.
The PCs (all level 1) are aware that something weird is going on, so although they are staying inside they still take turns as night watches (sorry, I kinda forgot the correct word for this).
Anyways - it's the hyperactive gnome's turn. The gnome in question, a ranger, keeps complaining that he "Want's to have an adventure!" and similar things (mostly IC, but I guess something of the player also came through here), especially since half of the party already had a battle on this day (don't you know, you never split the party...)
GM: "During your watch, you hear heavy knocking on the door."
Gnome: "Hu! I walk there and ask "Who is it?""
Everybody: "WAKE US UP!"
GM: "It keeps knocking."
Gnome: "I open the door!"
Everybody: *facepalm*
The zombie behind the door gets the first attack during surprise round, but misses. She is unable to do any damage with her hammer, and it is his turn again...
Attack Roll: 20.
Player gets pale.
Confirmation Roll: 20.
The halfling starts laughing uncontrollably.
Damage Roll: 2D6+8 - I roll 6 and 5.
The player drops from 11 TP to -8 without stopping for doughnuts on the way there.
And in the ensuing chaos (this is a group of relatively new players, so they never witnessed one of them dropping to the negatives), the sorcerer speaks up:
"Knock knock!" - "Who is it?" - "ME! I KILL YOU!"
|
|
We are all sitting in a tavern introducing the characters and it gets to be the wizards turn
Wizard: My name is Zoliander and this is my frog familiar Lickme
Fighter: Why is it called Lick me?
Wizard: (takes a licks ans his eyes start dilating, then hands over the frog) Try it its fun.
I was gming a low level dungeon and the pcs where fighting goblins.
Fighter: I try to flip a table onto the goblins
Dm: Ok roll a strength check to flip it and they'll have to to a reflex save ( dices are rolled and one goblin ends up pinned under the heavy table.
Fighter: Do i still have a move action?
Dm: Sure. Where do you want to go?
Fighter: I start jumping up and down on the table
Rogue: Ooooh goblin jam!
| 13 people marked this as a favorite. |
"I assure you, the hedgehog will merely be the non-expended focus of the spell, rather than a single-use component. Mister Muggins is going to be JUST. FINE."
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
"Loot, pillage, and plunder! Eat the prisoners, eat the prisoners."
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
"What we really need here is a Sickbag Of Holding."
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
"Look, just because she's evil and her basement is full of corpses doesn't MEAN she's a bad PERSON!"
~Rusigari to the rest of the party after our dinner host (who he had hit it off with) turned out to be a Hag with a bunch of corpses in the basement.
This is from our latest A Song of Ice & Fire RPG Game:
My character just kills The Mountain with a Horrific Death Critical Hit. The GM proceeds to describe my character slicing him from his right eye down through his pelvis. Our "Bard", that is our Schemer/Rogue who specializes in Information Collection for us, pipes up with: "Seems The Mountain's Mountain was cloven in twain!"
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
|
|
| 11 people marked this as a favorite. |
Last week. Our group's Jade Regent game where the party seems to want to make me the DM suffer.
The group, after an accursedly-long journey through the Western Wall Mountains (book 3) and a really pointless journey through the Forest of Spirits that I ultimately literally fast-forwarded them through (book 4) they finally reach civilization. Ronin are met, plot is partially dumped, and the group goes on to storm the bandits' fortress while Jiro and his men keep the remainder busy.
(A sidenote: I don't care what it says in the damn book about aggroing the entire bandit camp and sending them after the party, Tito Leati evidently never had a ninja with Greater Invisibility and Sap Mastery in his party, nor did he have a vanara monk with Lunge, Greater Trip, Combat Reflexes, and Vicious Stomp. I do. They could ditch the other party members and take the whole rest of the damn adventure path themselves.)
So the bandits are getting butchered by the wave, the weretiger is knocked the hell out by said ninja, the druid is equally unconscious, and then I get to the bandits' leader. I look at the name.
I look again.
I say "Hell no. I'm calling him anything else but that."
The party asks me what I mean.
I start to say "I'll think of something else," but then I say, "You know what? I should have made a bard to go along with him. Coming out of the fortress with his eight guards, you see a man with a jian and a wooden shield sort of prance into the courtyard, as if he were riding a horse. He is wearing an ugly blue surcoat over his leather armor, and a pair of smoked goggles cover his eyes."
The Party: ?????
Me: (as the barbarian leader) I am Gangnam Style!
Then I show the group the stat block for Gangasum, who I keep insisting on calling Gangnam Style.
Yes, we did the entire fight against him while the song was playing.
Yes, he did yell at the oracle's ass. (Her ass was mad.)
Yes, the ninja and the monk trivialized him, too. But I succeeded.
I made the Gangnam Style dance canon in our world.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Also from last night:
"To cure her of her seasickness, give her this poison ap... Jar of candied ginger!"
Last week. Our group's Jade Regent game where the party seems to want to make me the DM suffer.
The group, after an accursedly-long journey through the Western Wall Mountains (book 3) and a really pointless journey through the Forest of Spirits that I ultimately literally fast-forwarded them through (book 4) they finally reach civilization. Ronin are met, plot is partially dumped, and the group goes on to storm the bandits' fortress while Jiro and his men keep the remainder busy.
(A sidenote: I don't care what it says in the damn book about aggroing the entire bandit camp and sending them after the party, Tito Leati evidently never had a ninja with Greater Invisibility and Sap Mastery in his party, nor did he have a vanara monk with Lunge, Greater Trip, Combat Reflexes, and Vicious Stomp. I do. They could ditch the other party members and take the whole rest of the damn adventure path themselves.)
So the bandits are getting butchered by the wave, the weretiger is knocked the hell out by said ninja, the druid is equally unconscious, and then I get to the bandits' leader. I look at the name.
I look again.
I say "Hell no. I'm calling him anything else but that."
The party asks me what I mean.
I start to say "I'll think of something else," but then I say, "You know what? I should have made a bard to go along with him. Coming out of the fortress with his eight guards, you see a man with a jian and a wooden shield sort of prance into the courtyard, as if he were riding a horse. He is wearing an ugly blue surcoat over his leather armor, and a pair of smoked goggles cover his eyes."
The Party: ?????
Me: (as the barbarian leader) I am Gangnam Style!Then I show the group the stat block for Gangasum, who I keep insisting on calling Gangnam Style.
Yes, we did the entire fight against him while the song was playing.
Yes, he did yell at the oracle's ass. (Her ass was mad.)
Yes, the ninja and the monk trivialized him, too. But I succeeded.
I made the Gangnam...
Even better, all the bandits are smokin' hawt Tian women wearing white tabards over their stuff. The mon: two hands 'Gangnam Style' with a screaming face of Gangasum behind and above the hands.
|
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
|
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
From Saturday's game, quest for perfection pt 2.
The Party is on a junk.
"You scraped your junk on the rocks. It looks a bit raw on the underside."
*players see the other boat* "It appears their junk is bigger than ours."
"It's not the size of the junk, it's how you use it."
Yes, four grown men making penis jokes. Thank G_d the kid wasn't there that day.
Having (blisfully) never seen this Gangnam style until that almond commercial, I always thought it was 'Gundam style' and people talking about some kind of giant robot mixtape.
Love that song/video. Also love Gundam. No idea why I don't own the "Gundam style" shirt.
@Matthew Morris: 1 Nitpick... It was a Pastachio Commercial.
@Freehold DM: I do know Thinkgeeks and a few others were Limited Edition only.
@psionichamster: YES! OMG YES!
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
"His favored school is Narcolepsy!"
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
@Kmalt2t: Troof.
Also, after defeating the mummy in Carrion Crown, my new Paladin turns around to inspect the other sarcophagus:
"As you reach over to open up the other sarcophagus your hand comes in contact with some sort of sticky gunk. Make me a Reflex save."
"My god, what was the mummy DOING in here?"
Which just goes to show you word choice is important in this game.
|
|
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Corey the DM: The group sees a man with a guitar enter the town saloon. Booke, that's you. What do you do?
Booke: (mimics taking out the guitar) Ohhhhhhhhhh... o/` I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener...
Corey: ........Make a Perform check. At -20.
Booke: (rolls) I got a -5.
Corey: They start booing.
From Saturday's game, quest for perfection pt 2.
The Party is on a junk.
"You scraped your junk on the rocks. It looks a bit raw on the underside."
*players see the other boat* "It appears their junk is bigger than ours."
"It's not the size of the junk, it's how you use it."
Yes, four grown men making penis jokes. Thank G_d the kid wasn't there that day.
has a ever table NOT broken down to those jokes? :) (baring the absence of women and children)
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
has a ever table NOT broken down to those jokes? :) (barring the absence of women and children)From Saturday's game, quest for perfection pt 2.
The Party is on a junk.
"You scraped your junk on the rocks. It looks a bit raw on the underside."
*players see the other boat* "It appears their junk is bigger than ours."
"It's not the size of the junk, it's how you use it."
Yes, four grown men making penis jokes. Thank G_d the kid wasn't there that day.
Are you kidding? Women are worse. :P