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I've been this DM more times than I care to remember. If the players aren't interested in the adventure/plot hook presented they can say so. Running screaming away from something the DM took time to craft especially for the players is bad play, and borderline insulting. I've ended campaigns over similar circumstances.So we ran away.
From mist.
And the DM took a pile of papers from behind his screen and promptly threw them over his shoulder.
It isn't that the players aren't interested in the adventure/plot hook presented, it's that the characters are actually scared by it. Running screaming away from something before they even know what it is should be seen as a badge of honor for the DM. It's like an Xbox Achievement for the DM. Achievement Unlocked: Fear of the Unknown. (The party flees irrationally with no real idea of what they're avoiding. The Unknown is scary.) Anyway, the DM can always recycle the adventure hook later if it doesn't see play.
I LOVE it when I've managed to do something or suggest something so scary that my players run away. I run an ongoing vampire plot on a NWN persistant world and if I can't scare players with mist alone then I'm doing it wrong. (I've had player characters go inside for the night and cower in their inn rooms because the village got misty.)
My brother also fears mist in our 3.5e FR tabletop game because I've talked to him enough about the Ravenloft campaign setting that he knows mist is a very scary thing.
I don't really have any funny quotes, but I do have a bit of a funny story, or at least I think so. I played a half-vampire human rogue in a campaign in 2005. Other party members were an elf druid and a human fighter. We were all level 4 and had only had one adventure together (campaign started at level 4). We come into town and the first thing the elf druid does is shove someone down when he's walking into town. Then the human fighter goes up and punches the guy while he's down, and robs him. My half-vampire rogue looks at the fighter and tells him to give the gold back, very commanding-like, stern. "Give it back. Give him back his gold." There's a moment of tension and a look of confusion on the DM's face, as he's wondering if our PCs are going to fight over it. The fighter had seen my rogue's Fast Healing activate before when he dropped below half health from a lightning trap, so he's actually afraid of my guy. The fighter throws the gold down on the ground by the NPC and steps over him to go on into town. The DM looks at us and can't help but point out which of us is the rogue.
I realized quickly that my half-vampire rogue was the only good-aligned party member. Still makes me chuckle to think that the half-vampire rogue was keeping the party in line. (I don't think they knew he was an ECL+2 templated character so had significantly lower HP than everyone else.)
That campaign ended with the druid, who had shifted to NE, trying to kill the party (including a CE super-gnome DMPC) but only succeeding at killing the gnome and burning the rest of his spells to get the fighter unconscious. After the fighter was unconscious my then-rogue/fighter drew his two shortswords and demanded that the druid surrender. Out of attack spells, and only going into the second non-surprise round (we were level 5), he surrendered with no further combat. Things probably would have gone worse for my guy but I don't think the druid's player understood the way his class worked.
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Alright, here's an anecdote (not quite a one-liner) that was not only hilarious for everyone involved, but an example of some amazing DMing.
Our characters have just entered an ancient catacomb, including my character, Ichi the human barbarian. One of the other characters opens up a coffin, finds a corpse with some jewelry. Another character opens another coffin, and finds a corpse holding a spear to its chest that radiates magic. I tell the DM I'm opening up a coffin as well.
DM: "Alright, Ichi, you see a corpse in the coffin. You notice that he's got a stick in his chest, and he has rather large teeth. Oh, and he's got a nice shiny gold signet ring on his hand, too."
Everyone at the table begins exchanging glances, snickering among themselves. I don't notice it, because I'm too busy thinking to myself, "Sweet! A gold ring! And a stick or something? Probably another magical spear. Large teeth? Who cares?" And so I respond.
Me: "Sweet. I'm gonna take the ring, and I'll pull out that stick, too."
The entire table goes silent, and everyone, including the DM, stares at me, then they all burst into laughter.
DM: "Alright. The vampire lord rises from the coffin, and sees you holding onto his signet ring. Roll initiative."
It was hilarious. The DM's narration was perfect- my character knew nothing of undead, so he described the vampire exactly as I'd see him- a corpse with big teeth. And he did it so fluidly, I, as a player, didn't think anything of it until it was too late. I tell every new player about this, because it's a great example of how to use in-game knowledge over out-of-game knowledge.
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I've been this DM more times than I care to remember. If the players aren't interested in the adventure/plot hook presented they can say so. Running screaming away from something the DM took time to craft especially for the players is bad play, and borderline insulting. I've ended campaigns over similar circumstances.So we ran away.
From mist.
And the DM took a pile of papers from behind his screen and promptly threw them over his shoulder.
It isn't that the players aren't interested in the adventure/plot hook presented, it's that the characters are actually scared by it. Running screaming away from something before they even know what it is should be seen as a badge of honor for the DM. It's like an Xbox Achievement for the DM. Achievement Unlocked: Fear of the Unknown. (The party flees irrationally with no real idea of what they're avoiding. The Unknown is scary.) Anyway, the DM can always recycle the adventure hook later if it doesn't see play.
Once in a long, long while, ok. Every DM needs to be shook up once in a while. It helps me as a DM realize if some things are getting too obvious or unrealistic. But in my case, the players were doing it on a weekly basis. It's sort of hard to recycle an adventure the players wanted nothing to do with in the first place.
At first I was confused, since I had thought we were there to play a game, and I, as the DM, was there to help provide adventures for the players to play through. First few times it happens, it's ok. The players don't always want to do what the DM has in store for them. But after the 5th time in barely 2 months, it's not funny anymore.
It's not even just adventures I've written. I've bought modules to run for them and they ran screaming away from the plot hook. One of the same players did this in a newer campaign I had started up last year, and I pretty much tanked the campaign shortly after. Call me bitter.
Here's an outtake from that expired campaign:
The players(all spellcasters of various sorts) arrive at a dinner party, and find out that the guests in attendance are all spellcasters belonging to a secretive order. The players have been invited to join this underground Mage's Guild, since open use of magic is forbidden in this realm.
Host NPC: "Welcome, all of you, to our humble abode. We share many common interests in all things arcane. Allow me to..."
Player: *interrupting Host* "Let me guess, you got some job that needs done, some stupid errand or something that you just happen to need us for? Because you're too lazy to get off your butt and do it yourself?"
Host: "Not anymore. Enjoy your stay, and show yourselves out in the morning."
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The party is comprised of several Monstrous Humanoids including a whimsical Kobold and an Orc Monk. They have been helping a town that has been devastated by the destruction of an evil wizards army that has splintered and left remnants scattered about (by the groups previous very high level party). They have been having difficulties selling things in town as the town is a pretty small farming community with little of value.
They attempted to set up their own shop to sell things but kept running into red tape. They were told on more than one occasion that they needed a permit to sell things. Getting a permit was quite difficult as the town was still unsure about the orc and kobold in the group not to mention the priest of a death god and the sneaky guy who threatened people.
A peddler comes through, he has a couple of wagons of things and rolls into the main square. He throws a soap box down and climbs up calling out to the town to come out and peruse his wares. The party comes along with virtually the entire town, nearly 300 people. They gather around and the man starts talking about his wears. The orc monk, played by my wife, approaches and asks a very simple question, “You got Permit?” the man is confused for a moment so the monk takes that as a no and literally takes the man’s Soap box…the one he was previously standing on…
“You got Permit?” is now used quite a bit at our table.
Later, after the man has produced a permit and allowed to haggle with the crowd he cries out that he has magic items to sell. The party suddenly get much more interested in him again. He offers some pretty low powered items at pretty steep prices, but he doesn’t call them by their names. After the Bard realizes what the items are he turns to the man and says, “this is pretty low end stuff” and walks away, to which the Kobold replies, “Wow, you just told him he’s got Crap!”
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I have always sucked at naming characters, and always got laughed at for my stupid character names, but one time i named the very first cleric i ever played Ramik, and i was proud of that name, but i think my DM at the time figured out a way to make Ramik a funny name ...
Eventually in that campaign we all got knighted, and i from then on was known as Sir Ramik, the ceramic priest.
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On the topic of character names... one of my friends made a paladin named Mance Brightwood. Which was fine until another player commented, "Wow, that's a porn-star name." Everyone burst out laughing while my friend angrily started created another character (even if he changed the name, the paladin would never hear the end of it).
"I am not riding on the back of unicorn flying in the sky. Seriously."
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Not exactly in game, but last session we were discussing with our DM about playing at his house since as he puts it, he has a fully stocked "man-cave", one of the girls in our groups asks if his wife has her own "woman-cave". Without missing a beat he just replies, "The Kitchen."
Needless to say the men in our gaming group all break into laughter, the woman all get a little insulted, then he explains that his wife is a chef and actually spends most of her time in the kitchen.
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We were playing 'Stormbringer', with a brutal crit system. At the table other than myself we had a pretty standard fighter played by a guy who had no luck with dice, but always managed to blame someone else for it, and a pretty funny/goofy guy whose character worships the 'Jester of the Gods', basically. He gets a bonus whenever he makes jokes in combat and whatnot.
So, we're in combat, and the jester guy fumbles critically. His battleaxe goes flying, and it's determined that it hits another player, and then it's determined that it hits Mr. Dice Nerdrage. In the face. Killing him.
He hops up from his chair cussing and says he's going outside to smoke (sulk).
Jester guy says, 'I'm sorry! It was an axe-ident!'
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In response to "You can kill me, but you'll never get the answers you need":
Our priest can talk to corpses.
Delivered in a totally calm, dead-pan tone, of course. 5000-year-old psions can keep their cool.
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While we were traveling through the Underdark, our party kept running into areas of dead magic. They were normally marked by various unusual crystal formations. But I, as a player, determined an easier way to notice these spots. My cleric had been wearing a ring of sustenance, and the party knew it. I had refused to eat on any number of occasions; the only thing I'd regularly eaten at that point was the heroes feast I cast every morning, aka Hot Breakfast. So as we start passing through these areas, I tell the other players, "There's an easy way to know when we're in one of the dead magic zones. Just listen for Morag's stomach grumbling."
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One of the players in our group, Rod, loves to play Wizards and Sorcerers. More to the point, he loves fire spells ... particularly fireball.
One session, just as a combat was about to begin, the GM called for us to roll initiative.
We went around the table ...
GM: Roll for initiative ... Marc?
Marc: Um ... 7
GM: Rachel?
Rachel: 21
GM: Mitch?
Mitch: 18
GM: Rod?
Rod (who was looking something up and not paying attention): Huh? Oh ...
The table bursts out laughing.
GM: No, I just need your initiative roll.
Rod (dejected): Oh, um ... 14
I wish I could remember more of Andostre's zingers. I mean, there were like 3 or 4 every session, but he'd throw them out so matter-of-factly that sometimes we'd finish the combat or whatever and then someone would say, "Wait! Did you just say what I seem to remember you saying?" And he'd say something like, "Well, it just seemed obvious that..." or some other throwaway remark, and maybe take a sly sip of his beer, and we'd all be laughing like hyenas. And, dammit, now I can't think of any of them.
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I this my two favorites are from a FR campaign I ran for over a year.
The party is traveling across Cormyr when they come across a random patrol of Purple Dragons(the local Five-O). I figure that Cormyr being a fairly lawful sociaty would probably not have a lot of love or sympathy for a group of ragged looking adventurers who don't have the good sense to stay where they belong, which is incidently NOT in Cormyr. So, the knight address the party as "Adventurers" while I force as much scorn and contempt as I can into saying it. The half-orc barbarian, who in character has absolutely no clue who these guys are, answers back in almost the exact same tone of contempt, "Guys in Armor".
The half-elven outcast returns to the village he grew up in after hearing that they are under seige from an orc army. His full elf half-brother, who was responsible for getting him cast out in the first place, ask him, "What are you doing here?" My friend responds without thinking his words all the way through, "We're here to save The Village People"
During a Curse of the Crimson Throne game, a certain challenge was presented to our party, and we had to pick one party member to tackle it.
"Waitaminute. Hold on. I -might- be awesome." - My character.
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So, this happened during this week's game, though not in character.
We were discussing the spell Honeyed Tongue, and myself and one of my players were trying to convince another player that you could crack open a bee and eat honey from inside it.
Target: "Can you really?"
Me and other player: "Yeah."
Target: (looking up) "I don't believe you. And gullible is written on the wall."
Me: "You're looking at the ceiling, jack-ass."
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The player was playing a duelist. He had been stripped of his weapons and forced into a fighting pit with a bear. During games, some of our inactive players will adopt the voices of unnamed NPCs, someone called out a very standard "Eat him!" while the bear had him grappled to which the duelist responded:
"But I don't like bear."
One of the players in our group, Rod, loves to play Wizards and Sorcerers. More to the point, he loves fire spells ... particularly fireball.
LOL...I have a player named Rod who is an arcane pyromaniac. Fireball is usually the first thing he casts, no matter what spell might be better for the situation.
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This last Saturday afternoon at my FLGS.
Me: Hi. Are you guys playing 4e?
He: No, 3.5.
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I have two stories I'd like to offer:
A person on my table was playing a halfling bard, and the player always brought along his laptop (easier than bringing all the books) which was set up in front of him. The very first meeting with a potential employer went something like this:
Quest Giver: Noble adventurers, will you take up this task?
All: Sure, okay.
Halfling Bard: Wait a minute... [presses a button on laptop, 'Glory Glory Hallelujah' begins playing]
Halfling Bard: [Boldly] Yes, we will indeed take this noble quest!
[Standing up proudly] This task is a just and necessary one, and we gladly accept. But not because it's the right thing to do... Not because it is our duty, we won't even do it for the thrill! We'll do it for one thing, and one thing only! [presses button, inspiring music ends]
Halfling bard: A lot of MONEY!
Much mirth from the table for that one.
The other incident was during a dungeon crawl in a truly ancient labyrinth (over a million years old apparently). We stumbled into a Hound Archon who chatted to us for a while.
Gnome Wizard: So how long have you been here?
Archon: I was here when this dungeon was created.
Gnome Wizard: You mean you're over a million years old?!
Archon: That is correct.
Gnome Wizard: Well, you don't look a day over five hundred thousand.
Huh. It never seems quite as funny once you're away from the table.
Ooh, I remembered another one. Again, I'm afraid this is not in-character, but still worth a mention.
Player: "I'm going to take ten. I get an eight."
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So, this past week we were playing. Our cleric tried tossing a fireball through an arrow slit in the side of a building. Needed to roll a 5. Failed. Engulfed herself in her own fireball as it hit the wall next to the arrow slit. After chuckling at her bad luck, someone calls out, "Well, that idea blew up in your face," and we just laughed harder.
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*setup; party was traversing the Abyss in search of some powerful macguffin of some sort, encountered a swarm of cranium rats and was stomping them more easily than the DM expected . . .*
DM: You see some guys.
Me: What do you mean, "some guys?" Are they armed?
DM: You can't tell; they're just some guys.
Me: We can't tell? How far away are they?
DM: About 60 feet.
Me: *aneurism*
We now have t-shirts that say "You See Some Guys." I've got a poster of it on deviantart, I think. It's become a catchphrase anytime an encounter starts.
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We're lucky in that we have some pretty smart guys and gals, who've all taken turns as class clowns over the years. I have so many hilarious tales it could take up several books. But one of my favorites ever went like this:
It was a d20 Modern game. The PCs all worked for a detective agency. In the course of an investigation they had come across and killed these two giant spiders. A couple of college students stole off with one, but the detectives managed to hold onto the other. They had demolished three rental cars already, and were down to renting a VW bus from a rent-a-wreck type place. They had the spider in the back.
Meanwhile, they were being chased by some mobsters who wanted a cut of the reward money they were after. The PCs were putting down the freeway when the mobsters caught up to them in a car. The mobsters made a "roll-down-the-window" gesture, so the passenger PC did.
"Angry Jimmy says 'fifty percent,'" shouted the driver of the mobster car (referring to their boss' demands).
The PC driving the bus immediately whipped out his revolver, leaned across the lap of the passenger, and fired a shot off at the mobster car.
The driver mobster, a totally perplexed idiot, says, "Is that a 'no?'" and they start weaving around, reaching for their guns. Meanwhile, two of the PCs get in the back, open the side door of the bus and heave this gigantic dead spider onto the hood of the mobster car. The mobsters totally freak out at this giant spider on their windshield, and drive off into a ditch.
Well, we're all laughing at this, and then we start to imagine what happened to the mobsters next. We figured they rolled into town, and pulled into a full service gas station. When the shocked attendant came out, I (the GM) said in a mobster voice:
"Yeah, can you, uh, fill 'er up?"
And then one of the players says, also in a mobster voice:
"Yeah, and can you wipe the bug off the windshield for us? Thanks!"
Oh, man, it was great. That was just one highlight. I'm actually writing a book about that adventure, with full blessing of the players. It was just a hilarious game from start to finish.
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The PC's in my Planescape have gone off out from Sigil, trekked across the Outlands, through a Gate-Town, and off through Arborea to a backwater Prime World, where they've gathered up the bones of one of the old operatives for the Agency they work for (Interplanar Expeditions - a very clear analogue to Inter Planetary Expeditions from Babylon 5, complete with the creepy evil operatives).
The old operative, one Ben Imin Al Farud Ibn Furuk Al Hassan, affectionately known as "Bennie," is resurrected on the company dime so that he can answer questions about his untimely death, what happened to the rest of his team, and the object they were supposed to bring back 10 years prior.
The PC's twig to the fact that Bennie brought back a passenger of some sort when he was resurrected - strange noises in the night, unusual goings-on around the company hotel they all live in, and creepy manifestations lurking at the end of darkened hallways, threatening doom and despair upon them all. Bennie - whom I'd been running as speaking with a sort of weasel-voiced, high-pitched tone to his voice, kept insisting that it wasn't his fault.
The fighter, a no-nonsense Prime with very little tact and a whole lot of muscle, gets tired of people picking up after the manifestation and grabs Bennie, holds him up against the wall and asks:
"You came back from the Abyss with a new friend, didn't you Bennie?" - Sounding exactly like Jack O'Connell from The Mummy. All the players skipped a beat, and lost it laughing.
RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32
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In a gaming group with four girls between the age of 19 and 26, me (a 26 year old guy,) and one 24 year old guy.
Girl #1: (Joking) We should do a My Little Pony RPG game!
Girl #2: Oh! I want to have wings!
Guy: There isn't a game system for My Little Pony.
Me: (Thinking out loud and not realizing what I am saying.) We could use the Mouse Guard, Burning Wheel system. All we need to do is change the mice to ponies.
Girls #1 and 2: OMG! We need to play that now!
Me: (Facepalm)
My Wife: (Laughing her ass off.)
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In a gaming group with four girls between the age of 19 and 26, me (a 26 year old guy,) and one 24 year old guy.
Girl #1: (Joking) We should do a My Little Pony RPG game!
Girl #2: Oh! I want to have wings!
Guy: There isn't a game system for My Little Pony.
Me: (Thinking out loud and not realizing what I am saying.) We could use the Mouse Guard, Burning Wheel system. All we need to do is change the mice to ponies.
Girls #1 and 2: OMG! We need to play that now!
Me: (Facepalm)
My Wife: (Laughing her ass off.)
There are rules for Ponies in Pathfinder.
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?569049-What-the-hell-Paizo
I was DMing a 3.5 game set in a game world of my own creation. There is a city in the world that is nicknamed "City of Thieves" because the only thief's guild in the area has its headquarters there.
The party was traveling in that direction, and decided the city was a good place to resupply before they ventured through a series of mountain passes.
One of the players was a somewhat rigid, humorless person, who was running a paladin. He decided that there was no way his character was going to any place called the City of Thieves, and there was nothing the party could do to talk him into it.
They hit upon an idea to loosen up the paladin, and while they were staying in an inn along the road, they hired a hooker to pay him a visit. The rest of the party was listening through the adjacent wall.
She went up to his room, and was immediately intrigued by his appearance (he was a paladin, after all). She offered him a discount, and he was starting to get the message that she was trying to sell him something, much to the party's amusement.
At that point, an attack I had already planned against the party was triggered, and a minor demon started clawing through the closed shutters into the paladin's room. The rest of the party only heard some odd scrabbling sounds and a woman's stifled shriek.
At that point, the paladin bellowed, in a loud, clear voice, "Sound the alarm, it's coming in!"
Everyone in the room started laughing so hard we had to pause the game. Everyone except the paladin's player, who seemed completely baffled. I don't think he ever understood why we thought it was so funny.
That's gold.
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Jade Regent game. As a character-building exercise, I had the party introduce themselves and give their reason for wanting to kill goblins.
The Summoner?
"I want to get into Shalelu's hot elf pants."
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During an Eberron campaign I ran, it was discovered that one of the PCs had been a changeling (we'd been playing for about a year, and I was honestly shocked that none of them picked up on it...). They initially thought that their good friend had been replaced by an imposter, so they tied her up to question her, then left her in a tent by herself to discuss the ethical implications of what was going on.
Now, the group had recently acquired a half-orc barbarian who had formerly been a town guard in the Shadow Marches. He was not too thrilled with the treatment of a comrade, so snuck into the tent and untied her. He then sat her down for some tea to ask her what was going on.
When the others returned, one of the party, a Karnathi warlord, started yelling and raving about what was going on. The barbarian gently sat down his tea and informed the nobleman that it was rude to tie up a fellow pary-member.
Somehow the mental image of a Karn nobleman being instructed on manners by a half-orc barbarian drinking tea killed us.
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I wish I could have recorded my friend acting out his cleric's drunken raving. I laughed so hard it gave me a headache while I was gasping for breath.
At a later date, he began to do the exact same thing, when I leaned over as the Healer NPC and said "Jared...Jared...*Remove Poison*', to which he immediately composed himself, looked around the table and said '...I did it again, didn't I?'
Another time involved breaking into a corrupt noble's home. When the half-orc guard slammed the door on the party, Vati the half-orc monk turned to the party and said "Hold on, I speak Orc" and knocked on the door again. When it opened, he punched the guard in the face and started combat.
However, the best line I can remember off the top of my head is spoilered for political correctness.
** spoiler omitted **
Had a very similar situation happen, only it was our paladin, and when the door opened it was a maid he punched in the face...combat ensues... after, his response to using force instead of his diplomacy was "I panicked"
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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32
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I will do this out of context first and then explain the situation.
My wife: I roll a 25 on my check.
Me, the GM: To do what? Shake a baby?
They were investigating a cult that had switched a few babies with evil changelings. They were able to discover the changelings, and put them into sacks so they could keep an eye on them. They were referred to as the babies, so the conversation was constantly on how the babies were in a sack, how a couple of the PCs wanted to beat the babies in the sack, throw the babies into a river, and when they were interrogating them they joked that they were shaking them for information. At that time my wife decided to do an intimidation check and declared her result. I had missed what she was rolling for and naturally assumed she was indeed trying to shake an evil changeling baby.
I was DM-ing "Hollow's last hope" for a group of teenagers. They got to the lumberjack camp, and managed to befriend the lumberjacks. They spent the night there and everybody was telling stories. So I let one of the lumberjacks tell the story of the terrible Tatzlwyrm that was hidden in the forest. One of the players began to tell his own monster story, about the terrible Tockhåkhân, a horrible monster that had killed nearly all the members of a wandering group of monks.
The next day the group travels further, and I describe that they hear a creaking noise in the dark forest.
One player suddenly shouts: "O no, it's the Tockhåkhân!"
Such fun!
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It was 3 AM, so the player didn't really mean to say this, but it came out amazing anyway.
He was donating money that he got from adventuring to the church of his goddess, as he often did, and the head priest thanked him for his donation. I'm pretty sure he meant to say something along the lines of, "Just consider it a gift," but he instead said: "Don't consider it a donation. Consider it gold."
And because it was 3 AM, we had to take a 10-minute break so we could collect ourselves.
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This happened a few hours ago during the group's trip to the goblin fortress in book 1 of Jade Regent. The party naturally slaughters the goblins and behead Chief Gutwad (who presented himself in-game as "King Gutwad, King of the Goblins!!!") but this leaves a conundrum: They have no way of getting to the next plot point because the goblins are all, well, dead.
Cue the messenger. One lone goblin returns from patrol in the swamp, singing horrible songs about fire and pointy death like all goblins are wont to do. The group hatches a plan immediately:
Chai Qi, Jung Sa, Vata, and Duster: We hide in the next room.
Pan Li: Okay. I pick up Gutwad's head and hide behind his throne.
The goblin comes in. He sees what he assumes to be Gutwad, but the body is propped up in the throne and Pan Li, the group's vanara weapon adept monk, is manipulating Gutwad's severed head with his hands to make it look like he's still alive.
Goblin: King Gutwad!
Pan Li: There you are! Where were you!?
Goblin: On patrol, like you ordered! Everyone's bleeding and Idiot's went for a swim in the pool (read: Strangled to death by the alchemist and left to float in the algae-soaked pond.) and some of the pals' heads are mush and-
Pan Li: YOU FAILED TO PROTECT YOUR PEOPLE! YOU MUST COMMIT SEPUKKU!!!
Goblin: Noooooo! I failed again! First the skeletons and now this! ;_;
Pan Li: Skeletons!? What skeletons!?
Goblin: The skeletons! You were there, Kingie!
Pan Li: Tell me of these skeletons!!!
Goblin: They were human but no meat just bones, and they were all like "RARRGH TREZUR BOKSES" and tearing us to shreds, and were like "AAAaaahhHHh!" and-
Pan Li: Where did they come from!?
Goblin: They came from the cave that's on the map in the super secret treasure room that you told us never to go into or mention or-
Pan Li: Silence! How do you know of my treasure room and my map! You must commit sepukku!
And then the hilarity begins.
Goblin: .....Will I see the Dark One?
Pan Li: .........Yes. Yes, you will.
Goblin: (he takes out his shortsword, and sticks it through his ribs. I proceed to roll absolute minimum damage, and he makes the Fortitude save to not die.)
Pan Li: .....
The Group: .....
Goblin: .....Dark One? Is that you?
Pan Li: Oh, *)&^! this. (he throws Gutwad's head at the goblin.)
This whole night was just one hilarious point after another. =D
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Last night, one of the players intends to ask "Why are Dwarves always so Scottish?"
However, what comes out is:
"Why are Dwarves always so Squatish?!"
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The party had just defeated a frost giant who had a giant sized magical crossbow.
The paladin and the barbarian had a discussion about how it would be a shame to just leave the small ballista sized magical crossbow behind just because it was too large to use.
Paladin to Barbarian - "I have an idea. I can strap the crossbow to my back. Then when we want to use it, I can bend over and you can get behind me and start cocking..."
Room exploded into laughter and it took 15 minutes for everyone to recover enough to continue.
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This may be a "had to be there" one, but I'll try to do it justice. one of my players went out for a smoke, and we were all talking aboutt the wizard who was playing with the idea of going necro and getting zombie henchmen, but not tell anyone they are zombies. The lines started flying "Hey Rolo, I think your hench hurt his leg he is real slow an limping." "Hey rolo, I think he is sick, he's moaning alot" "rolo, you got to get henchy to take a bath, he's smelling real bad"
The friend walked back, hears the conversation, which has us all laughing and says "Good thing he dosen't have a battlaxe."
After a min of us laughing, because no-one knew what he was talking about, I stoppes long enough to say "What are you talking about?". He replied "Cause he would cutt of his own legs!" in a tone that said "duh don;t you guys know anything?." From there we all broke down, and to this day have not idea what he was talking about.
Related (why this came to mind) is that every once in a while, when someone says something stupid, we'll say "Yea and good thing he dosen't have a battleaxe". It has been a running joke for a few years. Well we are now playing Carrion Crown and met the lopper in harrowstone.
One of my players cry out when he sees the picture. "Makes sense, he's carrying a battleaXe"
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Thor - The GM
Caleb - Panos, the spartan weapons master of Korvosa.
Richard - Windsong, the traveling druid.
Wally - KB, the kobold bard extraordinaire.
Sara - Tally, the female blind oracle of battle.
Luke - Lapis, the stormbringer magus of wrath.<...>
[Rick farts]
"Uh-oh, roll Save Vs. Breath Weapon!" - Caleb
Wait a minute--Rick is the character playing Windsong, right? Appropriate.
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In an old World of Darkness game, where our group were playing Archons, or basically Vampire Cops, my character and one other in my group took on a tough renegade vampire.
My character, being a hand-to-hand combatant, rushed the renegade and we mixed it up in close combat. My partner, being a gunslinger, decides to draw his shotgun and blaze away.
He of course botches his roll, blasting my character in the back and knocking him unconscious. The GM tells us that the renegade was staring at my partner in confusion. My friend, realizing he screwed the pooch and trying to salvage the situation, tells the GM his character points his shotgun at the renegade and says "You're next!"
The entire table was rolling on the ground laughing.
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So we have a female Oread in the party which has lead to the following lines:
"There's GOLD in them thar hills!"
"I'd like to go spelunking in your caves."
"Stoneskin like H#$%, you already got that."
"Well at least she won't give you that burning feeling in the morning unlike the Ifrit."
Among others.