Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?


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Removed a post. Sexual abuse is not a joke, and content like this has no place on our website.


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Disturbingly, my group has also discussed the uses of troll/meat animal cross breeding, problem we run into, they always end up wanting to also eat you ;).


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GM_Beernorg wrote:
Disturbingly, my group has also discussed the uses of troll/meat animal cross breeding, problem we run into, they always end up wanting to also eat you ;).

See, that was everyone else's objection!

My response: "For so-called 'adventurers' you guys really aren't very adventurous."

It's like the old saying goes, "If you feed a man a pig, you feed him for a day. If you cross a pig and a troll using the foundational power of the cosmos, you feed him for a lifetime."


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I think that last bit changes to "it eats its way back out of you."

but who am I to argue with progress, terrible...terrible progress.


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Farmer Hank "Hey Earl, it hurts muh insides when I eat them there Trig (troll/pig) ribs."

Farmer Earl (aka, has good Int Earl) "That's because it is regenerating in your digestive track, before it reaches the acid of your stomach, your rate of peristalsis in too slow, shortly a creepy little regenerated piggy head with new razor sharp little piggy tusks is going to rip its way out of your body. I told you to cook those longer."

Farmer Hank ::yelling at self in mirror:: GORRAM IT GUTS, DO THAT PARA...PARAST...DO THAT THING EARL SAID FASTER!


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Hilarious, but wouldn't cooking the meat do the job too? Fire damage and all that.

Silver Crusade RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32

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Paladin of Baha-who? wrote:
Hilarious, but wouldn't cooking the meat do the job too? Fire damage and all that.

This is what all those FDA warnings about undercooked meat are about.


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Paladin of Baha-who? wrote:
Hilarious, but wouldn't cooking the meat do the job too? Fire damage and all that.

Also, the troll regenerates from the largest part, not from any fragment. Otherwise the world would be full of trolls grown from sloughed-off dead skin cells. Simple science, really.


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Lesson here, never be the glutton and eat the biggest portion of a trig.


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GM_Beernorg wrote:
Lesson here, never be the glutton and eat the biggest portion of a trig.

As a linguistic aside, I'd been calling them prolls. But turns out that our corporate slogan: "Eat The Prolls" can be misunderstood as an incitement to class warfare.


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Okay so, our GM loved his custom NPCs. His custom NPCs always were praised by every other NPC we ever met. We, the players, were getting really sick of this, especially when they were villains. I, finally had had it, when the following exchange happened:

Sheriff:
"The thing about him, was that he was a sword lord. One of the most honorable men. He could have been a great ally to you had you not refused to give him his family's armor back."

Char:
"Those were the spoils of battle. He attacked us and sided with the woman who was trying to summon a Barghest to destroy your town!"

Sheriff:
"He was just doing a job. He was one of the best there was. He was quick, he was graceful, he was..."

Gwyn (Me):
"He certainly was quick and graceful. He quickly ran right into my sword, and then gracefully fell to the ground when his head detached itself on my blade."


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GM: 'I especially like how our lawful cleric wants to ambush everyone while the barbarian is trying to avoid a fight.' (Our LN cleric of Irori is using hand signals to suggest various bludgeoning and/or stabbing actions to be directed at the backs of what appeared to be innocent woodworkers.)

Scarab Sages

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During a Star Wars game, the droid's player said this:

"Zygotes! I don't want to talk about zygotes."

#nocontextforyou


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Player: "I buy a horse!"
DM: "You're a dwarf. You can't ride a horse."
Player: "OK, I buy a pony!"
DM: "Fine. They sell you one for 30 gp. Food will be 16 gp a month."
Player: "For some oats and hay?!"
Me (helpfully): "They're steel-cut oats, certified organic and non-GMO."

Scarab Sages

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During today's session, as our party were exploring an area full of undead, the shaman heard the sounds of cracking bones and rending flesh on the other side of a wall. Fearing someone was being attacked there, he levitated to look over the wall. Beyond the wall he saw what appeared to be a huge mass of dead flesh and bone that had somehow been fused together. He also saw a creature burrowing its way through this mass from below. He asked the GM if he could identify the burrowing creature.

GM: "Make a Knowledge (religion) check."
Shaman: "I suddenly get religion!"
GM: "It's running down your leg right now."
Shaman: "The river god has blessed me!"
GM: "The river god is blessing everyone standing below you."

The PCs fought a couple of ankhegs. Afterward they discussed whether there might be other ankheg broods in the area.

Shaman: "What's a multiple brood, an emo?"

The party is made up of a nagaji, a tengu, a suli, and a half-orc. At one point someone jokingly states that all of the characters are cannibals.
The nagaji's player looks at the tengu's player. "I hear you taste like chicken."
The tengu's player replies, "I hear you do too."
Both players look at each other hungrily and lick their lips.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

During a Star Wars game last night, the party had gone to another planet in disguise and were looking for a place to stay.

Droid's player: "We'll stay at a space AirBnB."
GM: "A space BnB."
Jedi player: "Because there's no air in space."


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So, I actually wrote down some from yesterdays game. Because it was worth it.

"I'm playing a sorcerer. I don't need charisma."

"I cast sense motive on the pit."

"I'm checking the kitchen for rat poison."

"Tell them we found a pit full of acid and it's talking to us."

"It's full of acid. If only we had a base."
"Are there any guitar stores in the town?"

"I cast diplomacy on the pit."

"Can I poison the acid?"

"It'll eat our feet less quickly."

"You have an 162 pound dwarf on your shoulders."
"You know what? F*** this plan."

"I'm checking the kitchen for pie."

"I rolled an 18 to bluff my way across the acid."

"I'm betting it's a vampire. I grab its head and force it onto my neck."

"You guys left me on the wrong side of the pit for 48 hours and almost got killed by a spark thing and a ghost demon."

"I'm adding the rat poison the pie."

"I fire my pie out of the sling at the monsters face."
'
"This class feature allows me to declare other party members to be henchmen."


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From Fridays game, one of my players, and I quote

"Stop trying to make me memorize effective spells!" (Tracy the utila-wizard to the rest of the party)

"My HP total is less than your AC, what do you THINK I am doing!" (Tracy's player this time, still hilarious, and true)


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My Iron Gods PC is getting a bit paranoid about android infiltration (blame it on too much Fallout 4). So it made sense that when a new potential party member was introduced, I squinted at him and demanded:

"Have you ever harmed a human being or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?"


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Referring to the same character, the other two players had the following exchange:

"Is he still under touch of idiocy?"
"To be honest, I can't even tell any more. But he's finally not running away from a fight, so I say we go with it."


Goddity wrote:

So, I actually wrote down some from yesterdays game. Because it was worth it.

"I'm playing a sorcerer. I don't need charisma."

"I cast sense motive on the pit."

"I'm checking the kitchen for rat poison."

"Tell them we found a pit full of acid and it's talking to us."

"It's full of acid. If only we had a base."
"Are there any guitar stores in the town?"

"I cast diplomacy on the pit."

"Can I poison the acid?"

"It'll eat our feet less quickly."

"You have an 162 pound dwarf on your shoulders."
"You know what? F*** this plan."

"I'm checking the kitchen for pie."

"I rolled an 18 to bluff my way across the acid."

"I'm betting it's a vampire. I grab its head and force it onto my neck."

"You guys left me on the wrong side of the pit for 48 hours and almost got killed by a spark thing and a ghost demon."

"I'm adding the rat poison the pie."

"I fire my pie out of the sling at the monsters face."
'
"This class feature allows me to declare other party members to be henchmen."

... soooooooo, the Dragon's Demand, huh? Good mod. :D

Dark Archive

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Okay, I have to join in on this thread. Only on page two so far, and it's a fun read. Anyway, here's a tale of my own.

First, a little setup. This was a 2nd edition campaign when I was a teenager. There were four of us, and all wanted to be players. So we came to the agreement that we would alternate who was the DM. each person would run a single adventure (which may or may not take several sessions), then the next person would run an adventure.

The entire campaign would be set in the same world, and we'd use the same characters. Whoever was DMing currently would run their PC as an NPC party member, recieving half xp for the adventure. This was a system that worked rather well overall.

One guy, a long time friend of mine (we met when I was 7 or so) was playing an elven druid. And he was NOT very good at playing a druid. He loved the Entangle spell, but kept centering it right next to my dwarven fighter. The problem was that the enemies would regularly be making the save against Entangle. Us party members though, would usually fail the save. Thus we'd be helpless for several rounds. And yes, his druid was regularly getting caught in his own Entangle spell too.

Well, the first time the guy playing the druid was up as DM, he decided to do this absolutely rediculous adventure that spotlight's his druid, who's supposidly the reincarnation of this powerful high level druid that had single handedly stopped a demon invasion a couple generations ago, dying in the final battle.

As part of this adventure, we're suppose to sneak into a massive demon held castle, fight our way through it, then kill a balrog in order to save the town of "lawful good" demons Mister Druid had saved in his last life. The party is level 3. We stand no chance against the demon foot soldiers since there's a +1 dagger and a couple suits of +1 chainmail among us in total.

Well, when I in-character point out we have no business messing with demons, nor were we able to hurt the last one we fought a day ago... The town elder gives my fighter a magic sword. A Named magic sword. Without knowing the sword's name, it's a +2 bastard sword that recieves an additional +3 enhancement bonus when fighting demons.

Needless to say, even with that sword Mister Sucky Druid had to abstract the battle against the balrog because we could never have defeated it normally. Next week someone else is the GM. And as a player I'm thinking to myself this sword is far too powerful for the campaign's current level.

So in-game my character is muttering to himself "Don't trust demons". And in the evening after we left the demon town behind via a portal spell, he finally stands and draws the bastard sword the demons gave him. With a scream of "Never will I accept such a tainted weapon!" he plunged the sword into the ground blade first.

Current DM then asked me to roll a d20, I roll a 20. he askes for another d20, and I roll a 20 yet again. So he asks for a strength check. I'm not entirely sure what this is for, but I dutifully roll my percentile, and get a 01. At this point the GM looks at me and starts laughing. he tells me

"With rolls like those, that sword's not going to be removed till a Destined Hero comes along. Congratulations, you embedded an Excalibur."

At which point the guy playing the druid got all upset with me. He then told me about how the sword was a named Artifact level magic item, and that I would have unlocked it's full powers if I'd ever learned it's Name of Soul Drinker Foe Slayer. And that he'd made that magic sword specifically for my dwarven fighter. I didn't want to know what the sword's full capabilities were.

I have some other humorous tales of games of yore, but again... also still reading the thread.

Dark Archive

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Oh man, this thread is hillarious. Almost passed out a few times last night from laughing so hard I couldn't breath. Also had a neighbor come over to see if I was alright since my laughter and falling out of the chair woke them up.

A few years back, maybe around 2006 or so I think, my group was running 3.5. I was playing a pixie sorcerer (cause who would be insane enough to teach a pixie wizardry) and someone else was playing a wildshaper druid. The person playing the druid wasn't too bright, that's the player not the character I'm speaking of. Anyway, we'd been hired to deal with a raider that was terrorizing the area, so our mid teens level group heads off to deal with him.

Now mind you, my pixie is Chaotic Neutral. Which I don't play as "freaking insane" but rather "has goals and motivations others likely don't grasp, does things for own amusement". We finally confront the raider in hiss lair, and the raider reveals himself to be a red dragon. Now, I'd been checking how many HD certain things have since my Pixie race-as-class grants me polymorph self with an 8 HD limit. I kept forgetting about this ability, so wanted to mess around with it. And I notice the HD of a certain monster. DM asks us to roll initiative. The order goes Druid, then me, then the dragon, then the fighter and cleric. Our rogue had died earlier in the adventure and his player had stormed out in anger.

Druid decides for some reason that the best way to fight a dragon is to be a dragon, so uses wildshape to change into a red dragon.

Aaraness, my pixie sorcerer then chimes in with "Oh! oh! Me too! Me too!

I use polymorph self to become a young red dragon. So now there's a young red dragon standing next to two adult red dragons, and the young one is bouncing up and down in an excited manner. not to mention the young red dragon seems to appear out of nowhere (I'd been invisible initially). The real dragon looks back and forth between the two of us, then towards the fighter. It then says in a rumbling voice...

"That's it, I refuse to deal with this. Visiting Mother is less of a headache."


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Tacticslion wrote:
Goddity wrote:

So, I actually wrote down some from yesterdays game. Because it was worth it.

"I'm playing a sorcerer. I don't need charisma."

"I cast sense motive on the pit."

"I'm checking the kitchen for rat poison."

"Tell them we found a pit full of acid and it's talking to us."

"It's full of acid. If only we had a base."
"Are there any guitar stores in the town?"

"I cast diplomacy on the pit."

"Can I poison the acid?"

"It'll eat our feet less quickly."

"You have an 162 pound dwarf on your shoulders."
"You know what? F*** this plan."

"I'm checking the kitchen for pie."

"I rolled an 18 to bluff my way across the acid."

"I'm betting it's a vampire. I grab its head and force it onto my neck."

"You guys left me on the wrong side of the pit for 48 hours and almost got killed by a spark thing and a ghost demon."

"I'm adding the rat poison the pie."

"I fire my pie out of the sling at the monsters face."
'
"This class feature allows me to declare other party members to be henchmen."

... soooooooo, the Dragon's Demand, huh? Good mod. :D

Yeah, it was. I was GMing for new players to the game. They got the basics pretty quickly. We should be meeting for the next part soon, which will probably lead to more memorable quotes.


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Background: Over a year ago, the players were but wee 4th level shavers. Their most valuable party item (by gp cost) was a rope of climbing. The character who had it, though, made the foolhardy mistake of charging a-horseback into a mob of 30+ people. They dragged him off his horse and curb-stomped him, and the horse (with all his gear) was stolen in the ensuing fray. The magic rope truly represented the lion's share of the party's collective wealth. The player took lots of mockery for having carelessly lost it.

Last Night: At 15th level and on the doorstep of the capstone campaign encounter, a mere 60 foot wall should prove no impediment. Unless, of course, you're in the middle of a hurricane-force storm and flight is impossible. They stand before it, utterly stymied.

GM (me): You know what you guys really need? A rope of climbing!

I've never been the target of such a vehement and long-lasting torrent of creative profanity...


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Rogue: "You can't get no..."

The rogue promptly slams the orc in the crotch with his +1 orc bane flaming burst heavy pick, takes the penalty for a called shot, confirms crit, adds sneak attack damage because he's flanking with the fighter.

Rogue: "... satisfaction!"


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Bharnarol: Your launchpad was powered by the tides of the abyss!

Our Dwarf: I do not know about the details, but it it said that it was deemed a reliable, consistent energy source.


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After leaving our little cabin for over two months of adventuring, we finally got back home.

My character walking up to the door. "Oh... guys? I just remembered. I think I left a sandwich out..."

Group starts gagging.


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Round two from the aforementioned Dragons Demand. They elected to skip the kobolds layer, and raid the mansion.

"It was my cowardice that saved your life."

"We should just leave him to his fate. Maybe the bear will leave his stuff untouched and we can return to loot the body."

"Can I kill and loot it?"
"What kind of paladin are you?"

"We can take whatever we want. She's paying us to inventory it."

"That might be slightly illegal."

"Did I just set another plot important object on fire?"

"Okay, everyone out of the boss room."

"I'm rolling sense motive on the corpse. Is it actually dead?"

"You've convinced her that you're a jerk and possibly a racist. Good job."

"Detect magic."

"Unusual stonework?"

"It's your own fault. You selected spells with a criteria of 'What's the most useless?'"

"Please let mending work on the ashes of paper."

"It detects of magic! Run!"

"Making sure to carefully sidle around the corner, hugging the wall."


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A few more I just remembered.

"You're totally gonna die. What's your new character going to be?"
"I'm not making one. I'll just add a "The second" to my name."

"It might have DR. But does it have immunity to poisoned pie?"

"Sense motive. Will you attack us?"

"I'm thinking that maybe letting the demon out of its' circle would be a bad idea."

"Can it be my minion?"

"Hitting it in the mouth with the pie is our best chance."

"Why does every monster in this place have DR and fire resistance?"

"Can it be my henchman?"

"It's a trap."
"Whoever has the most hp left should go trigger it."
"You do."
"We should leave this place and never come back."

"You know who could've helped with that? The dead wizard."

"I'm his last living relative. I got a 22 for bluff."
"He knows the actual last living relative."
"22, this has to work."

"I'm sure there's something important about this island. Why else would it be named the Druid's Isle?"

"I'm duel wielding my trident and scimitar. That lets me attack twice as fast, right?"

"Who designed this party?"


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Goddity wrote:

"I'm his last living relative. I got a 22 for bluff."

"He knows the actual last living relative."
"22, this has to work."

To be fair, this is only a -20 penalty for a total Bluff check of 2...


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GM: The room is dark and smells of corpses. Humanoid figures, swaddled in webs, dangle here and there from the ceiling.

ROGUE: Wait--they "dangle" from the roof?

GM (checks box text): Yes. "Humanoid figures, swaddled in webs, dangle here and there from the ceiling."

ROGUE: Heads up, guys. We've entered the Dangler Zone.

Dark Archive Vendor - Fantasiapelit Tampere

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Our Elf Barbarian takes her nodachi and braces for charge. Giant bear thing charges her, and player starts rolling.

GM: Does nodachi have a a reach?
PL: No?
GM: Well the bear has. It charges and pounces you.
PL: .......
PL: MAMAAAAAAAAA


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This one might get deleted, and it's ok if it does, but it happened during last night's game. I'm a player in a weird mashup of Call of Cthulhu d20 and Vampire: The Masquerade where we play vampires fighting Nazis and their other worldly overlords. While interrogating a captured German major, my character (with glowing eyes and razor sharp fangs) asks him does he speak English. He answers back with "Ja! I speak English!" Terrified, he continues with "In fact, I love English food! I love to stuff my mouth with spotted dick!".

No one could breathe for 5 minutes because of the laughter.


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"I run to my pram and jump in."

Well, how do you disguise a grippli (without magic)in a city where you're the only one?


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Good old non offensive English pudding!


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A ballroom filled with otyughs in ballgowns.


Pygmy otyughs are very graceful after all...

Scarab Sages

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Not a one-liner, but we were amused:

In our Star Wars campaign, the GM makes a crawl for every session, which includes an episode number and title.

A week or so ago, he had sent an email to the group to let everyone know what options we had for things to do during our next session. He mistakenly labeled the next session Episode 50, when in fact it was Episode 48. One of the players noticed the mistake and corrected him.

This week when the session arrived and he cued up the opening crawl, it announced Episode 50, then proceeded to describe a whole lot of bad stuff happening to the group, like being captured by Darth Vader and taken to see the Emperor, and culminating with our battle cruiser in flames.

After that he ran the real crawl for the real episode, #48.


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INQUISITOR PC (intensely): If I had my pliers, I'd rip everyone's teeth out.

GM (terrified): Guys... I'm not sure that was in character.


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Hey, it helps if you love your work...

Scarab Sages

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quibblemuch wrote:

INQUISITOR PC (intensely): If I had my pliers, I'd rip everyone's teeth out.

GM (terrified): Guys... I'm not sure that was in character.

Maybe he should be a dentist


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Dragons Demand round 3.

"Why is the NPC the only competent member of this party?"

"Why is he rolling so many dice? I'm scared."

"We're all gonna die."
"You've said that before."

"Once again, the only guy capable of doing any damage is unconscious and the rest of us are hiding in the hallway. Did we not learn anything from last time?"

"It's a trap."

P1: "I'm leaving the books, but I'll take the scroll case and the box."
P2: "I grab the books"
GM: "I wasn't finished giving you the prices you appraised stuff at. The books are worth 15000 combined."
P1: "I grab the books"
P2: "Too late."

"I'm going to steal the contents of the whine cellar."
"You're going to fit an entire whine cellar into your backpack?"
"Yes."

"Is there any chance you would like to buy this totally fine object that we totally didn't steal from any place which we shouldn't have been stealing it from?"

"You may not hire another party member to kill another party member while any of those party members are not at the table."

Mature:

"I think that deserves a roll on the random STI table."

"Are you going to put any clothing on before you go into the street?"

"Okay, that's where I'm drawing the line. No player in this campaign is allowed to sell their services as a prostitute to another player."

"I'm amending my previous statement to include NPCs."

"Just because you're a catfolk and you seduce basically everyone, does not mean the entire campaign world is full of furries."


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Our group was exploring the dungeon and was surprised by two brick golems getting up from the floor. My spellcaster wasn't able to get out of range in time and the GM looked gleeful and asked if I knew what happened next.
Me: I get brick slapped?

Scarab Sages

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During Saturday's Star Wars session:

Three of the PCs were flying one-man fighters when they were attacked by some people trying to steal the fighters. One of the PCs piloting a fighter is a droid, who looks rather like Stormtrooper armor (if Stormtrooper armor was red and black). The GM commented that the pilots of the attacking ships were distressed when they saw a droid in the cockpit of one of the small fighters.

Me: "How can they tell he's a droid and not a guy in a helmet?"
GM: "He's got those beady red glowing eyes."
Droid: "I'm in Cylon mode."
Me: "So from now on you're running Cylon instead of running silent?"

Later, the players got into a discussion of the kind of commands officers give in the Star Wars films, things like "Attack plan Delta" and "Fire at will." The GM is an ex-Army tank operator, and he commented that when he was in the Army no officer ever told him to "Fire at will," nor did he ever give that command himself - he just said "Fire."
One of the player's asked, "Did you ever say 'Attack plan Delta'?"
GM: "No, but once I did pop up out of the hatch (of a tank) and ask the driver of another tank, 'Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?'"


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Follow-up to the rope of climbing story related earlier in this thread:

We've started a new campaign. New first level characters. Same players. One of the first things that happens is they get involved in a riot. There are some bad guys in the riot too. On the Peasant Mob's initiative:

GM (me, still): The mob surges. Several of them surround and attack one of the guards who was beating their friends. He drops to the ground, being kicked and pummeled into unconsciousness. As he falls, you hear him faintly cry "Not again! Save my rope of climbing!"

Fortunately, I was amped up on caffeine and had the heightened reflexes to deflect every single item in the resultant barrage of dice, pens, and sundry snack foods.


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Now if only they were able to recover the rope of climbing from the guard, and never have the chance to use it. }:)


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This is from a Facebook private message conversation I had with one of my players last night.

Him: "Oh! We're gaming tomorrow? I forgot all about it. I may miss it, because my daughter is going to the release of the new Potterverse book."

Me: "But you said, and I quote, "Yah mo be there for reelz."

Him: "You'd trust a guy who talks like that?"

Scarab Sages

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The player of the shaman in our Wrath of the Righteous campaign acquired a scroll of magic fang. He informed the player of the brawler (his wife) that he could cast that on her character's fists, feet, elbows, or knees. She then began to enthusiastically describe her character pummeling foes with various body parts.

My husband: "Your opponent has a bad case of Elbowla."


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Dragon rolls a 20 on initiative.

"That's its knowledge roll to know about itself, right?"

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