Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?

[TriOmegaZero]

"How did he set fire to the entire airfield by himself?"

"Well, he IS a Pathfinder..."

[GM_Beernorg]

Lucas Sil (inquisitor of Caden) "Felicia, you are a serpent woman, can you make me more lizard milk?"

Felicia (viskanya paladin of Sarenrae) ::narrows eyes dangerously:: "No! Beyond my being disturbed by the very fact there is a thing called lizard milk, and that you drink it, lies the other fact that I am NOT a mammal, you want more milk, go find a cow with a drug addiction!"

Lucas "No need to get upset, I was just curious!"

Felicia "Well, with any luck, that will sort itself out, like it does with cats."

[jemstone]

Tacticslion wrote:

... and here, I was really expecting this to go into a "Long Cat is Looooooooooooo~ooooooonnnng~!" thing!

Come now. Surely by this time you realize that things are never that obvious with my crew. ;)

[Blackbot]

Group was engaging kobolds.

Me: "The kobolds hurl insults at you in a language you don't understand."
Bard: "I speak draconic, what do they say?"
Me: "Um...your momma's so fat she had to hatch from two eggs!"

[Dire Elf]

From today's Wrath of the Righteous session:

Shaman: "My Profession is gardener, not murderhobo."

GM: "The mongrelman stabs you with his rusty broken sword, the cowardly bastard. That's his name, by the way, Cowardly Bastard."
Brawler and wizard, in stereo: "CB for short!"

Shaman: "What's the creature's special attack?"
GM: "Constrict."
Brawler: "It likes to cuddle."

[blood_kite]

The party was trying to determine why one of their members was invisible to scrying and divinations, a very rare ability that usually comes from having...unusual parentage. So they went to her mother, the high priestess of her goddess.

Single Mother Cleric to her PC daughter: "Your dad? Well, um, you see. When a priestess loves her goddess very, very much...she'll, uh, agree to be polymorphed into a man so that she can get her goddess pregnant to fulfill and ancient prophesy."

[DungeonmasterCal]

I posted this in another thread, then realized it should've gone into this one.

During our game Saturday, the PCs were to be traveling by ship to meet with another kingdom for peace negotiations. When one player asked the captains' name I realized I'd forgotten to write one down, so we just called him Capt. Antoniel. Some of you younger players may not get the reference, but our room just fell apart with hilarity.

[Charles Scholz]

Tectorman wrote:

We're stuck in a gladiator obstacle course (think Roman Colosseum meets Ninja Warrior). At the center is a 40 ft tower with a bell on top, and the first to get there and ring it gets a prize. Our party is faced against a swarm of halfling gladiators.

We get to the center tower first. I'm at the top ringing the bell and my big Fighter friend is down below standing on the edge of a wall with the halflings climbing up towards him.

He has a maul, so for a brief moment, I suggest using it like a golf club. As soon as a head pops up over the edge, yell out "Fore!" and take a swing. And since it's a gladiator arena, I then think about what happens if the flying head in question makes it to the audience. So I voice a quick conversation that a father might have had with his son on their day out to the games:

"Alright, I caught a head! Here you go, son! You get a souvenir."

And then, voicing the son, I imagine him as a very young kid, an adorable little tyke not yet in command of proper grammar. So I give voice to what he would say and don't think anything of it at first.

"Huwway! Daddy gave me head!"

Then I realized what the hell I'd just said.

Just read this. Made me laugh for 5 minutes.

[burkoJames]

I managed to quote The Hitchhikers Guide Movie to my group. DM sent us into Bureaucratic hell, and step one was a long line. At which point, I said, "Don't worry friends, I've got this. Dwarves know how to queue." I proceeded to be incredibly up beat and optimistic about every step of the process, and got everyone again when we were shoved over to a new line to handle 'special cases' with the line "See? Progress."

[quibblemuch]

Iron Gods spoiler:

We're under the town of Torch. The two technologists are considering a monitor and an alien keyboard. My druid is lurking in the background, keeping a lookout and disdaining all this tech. OOC, I'm pondering my character sheet to figure out which spells to prep for the next day.

PLAYER: What should we type into it?
ME (not even looking up from character sheet): rm -rf.

[Arakhor]

Is that a programming joke? *scratch*

[quibblemuch]

Arakhor wrote:

Is that a programming joke? *scratch*

unix spoiler:

Yep. rm is the 'remove file' command. -r means remove recursively. -f means force removal of even write-protected files without asking. rm -rf could wipe the entire spaceship's file system clean... assuming, of course, Kasathans use unix. Which seems like a safe bet.

[RHMG Animator]

quibblemuch wrote:

Arakhor wrote:

Is that a programming joke? *scratch*

** spoiler omitted **

I got that one, somewhat, as I forgot the switches.

Hacknet burned a number of Unix commands (a RL linux app) into my memory.

[Otherwhere]

I was arguing-explaining- to one of my (notorious) power gamers in the group: "You're spoiling the game for everyone else because you're trying to beat the game! Why do you have to be so competitive?"

He looked at me, hurt and confused. "Dude," he replied in all seriousness, "I'm the least competitive person in the world!"

The rest of the group lost it. Which helped defuse the situation for me, and I joined in.

[Arakhor]

Thanks, quibble!

[jemstone]

"That's about as threatening as a T-Rex in a slap fight."

[Nathan Hartshorn]

"We killed SO MANY people to get to you! *deep wheeze* Then we had to do it again!"

[Dire Elf]

GM: "What's touch of evil? I can't remember what that does."
Player: "Does it make you feel a little bit naughty?"

[Otherwhere]

I told this one on another topic, but it definitely applies here:

I had a friend in college who was very wry and very funny. He'd never played D&D before, so we had him join us. He chose a cleric. At one point in the adventure, we were being attacked by some guards. This friend had his cleric cast Command (AD&D version) at one of them. He clarified that the spell had to be a single word, and a verb. We told him "yes". His command? "Masturb---!"

We had to take a break.

[Andre Roy]

Last Saturday's game. (Tabletop AD&D 1st ed.) we're currently going thorugh The Slavers Lords modules and we are in this keep in the mountain.

After a brief standoff, we've pushing in and caught them unprepared. as we are trying to find the keep Lords/leader we open this room and we hear this female voice screaming (the elf id the language as orcish and that she's screaming for help).

After a brief fight with two orc smiths and their half-orc master smith, she's still causing a ruckus from the loft. So one of the fighter, Pate, (played by a HS kid who play with us) goes up the ladder and decides to pull the blanket under which the female his hiding revealing this fat naked orc woman.

Sir Justin (our cavalier and de facto leader) tales Pate to backhand her to shut her up. Pate, instead, declares "I grapple her." He failed his grapple and the female orc decided to grapple him in return succeeding in getting Pate in a headlock.

Now the image we had of Pate was: Him in a headlock getting a facefull of orc underbreast while his legs were flailing like crazy and being unable to get free from her grasp. meanwhile she's stills screams like crazy for help

The whole table was laughing and chocking.

[Loren Pechtel]

Otherwhere wrote:

I told this one on another topic, but it definitely applies here:

I had a friend in college who was very wry and very funny. He'd never played D&D before, so we had him join us. He chose a cleric. At one point in the adventure, we were being attacked by some guards. This friend had his cleric cast Command (AD&D version) at one of them. He clarified that the spell had to be a single word, and a verb. We told him "yes". His command? "Masturb---!"

We had to take a break.

"Disrobe" is just as effective. It still takes them out for a round and leaves their armor in disarray when it's over.

Now, the one I've long wanted to use but I've never had the proper situation: "Copulate". Target the brawn guarding an opposite-sex caster. You take out two for the price of one.

[sylvansteel]

I was playing in a homebrew-anime style RPG. Our characters were Japanese highschoolers, who discovered the existance of demons youkai. I was playing the cliche Class Repressentative, who enforced the rules with an iron fist.

Another student brought a possessed doll to another PC, who was playing a Taoistic priestess exchange student. My character saw the doll moving.

Demon Class Rep from hell: Pets are not allowed at school!
Taostic priestess: It's a demon, it doesn't really exist.
DCRfh: Non-Existance is no excuse!

[Dire Elf]

Ran across another fun one involving our Kingmaker dwarven alchemist and his simulacra.

Alchemist's player, reading from a rulebook:
"'The alchemist creates a simulacrum. a soulless body' - which isn't that far from normal."

During the same session, the alchemist's player got some food stuck in his beard. Note - the only beardless players in our group are myself and the wife of the alchemist's player.

Other player:
"With all the beards around this table, if you brush it out, it will get stuck in somebody's beard."

The wife of the alchemist's player was suitably grossed out.

[The Usual Suspect]

Loren Pechtel wrote:

Otherwhere wrote:

I told this one on another topic, but it definitely applies here:

I had a friend in college who was very wry and very funny. He'd never played D&D before, so we had him join us. He chose a cleric. At one point in the adventure, we were being attacked by some guards. This friend had his cleric cast Command (AD&D version) at one of them. He clarified that the spell had to be a single word, and a verb. We told him "yes". His command? "Masturb---!"

We had to take a break.

"Disrobe" is just as effective. It still takes them out for a round and leaves their armor in disarray when it's over.

Now, the one I've long wanted to use but I've never had the proper situation: "Copulate". Target the brawn guarding an opposite-sex caster. You take out two for the price of one.

As an evil GM, I would immediately have the guard try to grapple you. Your commend does not tell the guard who to copulate with or specify that the person they copulate must be of any specific gender.

Be careful what you wish for.

On a similar note, I had a player use the command "Defecate" on an NPC; so I had the NPC turn and squat one out on his character's shoes. The party got quite a laugh out of that.

[Loren Pechtel]

The Usual Suspect wrote:

Loren Pechtel wrote:

Otherwhere wrote:

I told this one on another topic, but it definitely applies here:

I had a friend in college who was very wry and very funny. He'd never played D&D before, so we had him join us. He chose a cleric. At one point in the adventure, we were being attacked by some guards. This friend had his cleric cast Command (AD&D version) at one of them. He clarified that the spell had to be a single word, and a verb. We told him "yes". His command? "Masturb---!"

We had to take a break.

"Disrobe" is just as effective. It still takes them out for a round and leaves their armor in disarray when it's over.

Now, the one I've long wanted to use but I've never had the proper situation: "Copulate". Target the brawn guarding an opposite-sex caster. You take out two for the price of one.

As an evil GM, I would immediately have the guard try to grapple you. Your commend does not tell the guard who to copulate with or specify that the person they copulate must be of any specific gender.

Be careful what you wish for.

On a similar note, I had a player use the command "Defecate" on an NPC; so I had the NPC turn and squat one out on his character's shoes. The party got quite a laugh out of that.

If you're beyond one round of movement they can't do it. Besides, I would say they should try it with whoever is closest, they don't get to choose to go after a harder target.

(And if they try it they expose themselves to a pile of AoOs.)

[Dire Elf]

Today's gems:

The GM described how during last week's session, when he rolled for damage healed by two potions, he rolled a 1 and a 2.
My husband: "Dammit, I knew I should have checked the 'bless by' date on those potions!"

My husband went on to annoy the GM with some lame jokes.
GM: You're getting docked XP right and left."
Husband: "Yay! My ship just docked."
GM: "Your ship has sailed."
Husband: "The ship carrying your XP sank off the Cape of Good Hope."

Random quote of the day:
Husband: "Why does Obi-Wan seem like a baked bean sandwich kind of guy?"
Other player: "No, that would be O-Beano-Wan."

My wizard made several unsuccessful attempts to harm enemies with ray of frost. When she finally succeeded, another player exclaimed, "So that's what that does!"

The GM was searching for some minis to use for the next scene.
Player hosting the game: "Do you need some ghouls dressed as clowns? I have some of those."
GM, sounding bemused: "No... not right now."
Me: "Thank god!"

[Qaianna]

Dire Elf wrote:

Today's gems:

(cut for brevity)

The GM was searching for some minis to use for the next scene.
Player hosting the game: "Do you need some ghouls dressed as clowns? I have some of those."
GM, sounding bemused: "No... not right now."
Me: "Thank god!"

..OK. Raise Undead Circus is now a thing that needs to be done. It'd be low maintenance, no need for feeding or really any caretaking of the animals at all, no issues if a performer falls down..

[Arakhor]

You'd probably just get a pair of zombie stand-up comedians.

"My gravehound's got no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Terrible."

"So, why didn't the skeleton go to the circus?"
"He had no body to go with."

Et cetera. :)

[Cinderfoot Bristlebeard]

Our paladin Randolph walks into a room striding forth like he owned the place in front of the party. Within the room were the bone devil and various ice demons who we were after. Randolph sees the bone devil surprised to see the intrepid adventurers walk in and slowly gets up off his throne. Randolph announces in his booming paladin voice. If I were you daemon I would just sit back down!!!!! We totally lost it. Then battle commenced. Epic!!!

[Cinderfoot Bristlebeard]

To the tune of On Top of Ole Smoky:

Cecil's bit of tail.

The heroes of Sandpoint
All covered in blood
Killed all the goblins
Now laying in mud

After looting some corpses
And needing to sell
Found a guy named Vin Vendor
Bargaining started out well

But the shopkeepers daughter
She caught our gnomes eye
Made off to the basement
And laid down with a sigh

A few minutes later
Our haggling was done
Some gold for our plunder
While the gnome had his fun

Vin Vendor was startled
As he went for our gold
His randy young daughter
Not sixteen years old

On top of young Nikki
Shagging her hard
Was a strapping young gnome buck
Named Cecil the Bard

The merchant was angry
It caused quite a scene
He threw him then cursed her
His Sweet girl just Fifteen

The gnome split the party
He split the girl too
And the steaming mad father
Had to be held back by our crew

Get out of here this instant
Or I'll yell the guards name
Cecil grabbed the girls knickers
He has little shame

Father Kharhik and Cinderfoot,
Lush and the gnome
The heroes of Sandpoint
Many miles from their homes

Stay tuned to our story
Our mad little dash
You simply must find out
Does the gnome have a rash?

Chris Vores

[Qaianna]

Chris Vores 600 wrote:

To the tune of On Top of Ole Smoky:

Cecil's bit of tail.

The heroes of Sandpoint
All covered in blood
Killed all the goblins
Now laying in mud

After looting some corpses
And needing to sell
Found a guy named Vin Vendor
Bargaining started out well

But the shopkeepers daughter
She caught our gnomes eye
Made off to the basement
And laid down with a sigh

A few minutes later
Our haggling was done
Some gold for our plunder
While the gnome had his fun

Vin Vendor was startled
As he went for our gold
His randy young daughter
Not sixteen years old

On top of young Nikki
Shagging her hard
Was a strapping young gnome buck
Named Cecil the Bard

The merchant was angry
It caused quite a scene
He threw him then cursed her
His Sweet girl just Fifteen

The gnome split the party
He split the girl too
And the steaming mad father
Had to be held back by our crew

Get out of here this instant
Or I'll yell the guards name
Cecil grabbed the girls knickers
He has little shame

Father Kharhik and Cinderfoot,
Lush and the gnome
The heroes of Sandpoint
Many miles from their homes

Stay tuned to our story
Our mad little dash
You simply must find out
Does the gnome have a rash?

Chris Vores

She got our bard too. Fortunately, the barbarian was able to keep Vin from finding a hero of Sandpoint where he wasn't expecting one by using her quick wits, social savvy, and some clever misdirection. (Of the two who followed the bard, she was the most capable of Diplomacy.)

[Deadmanwalking]

My Oracle/Barbarian actually managed to play that situation off pretty well when he got caught.

The fact that he was potentially looking for a relationship with her, was very polite, and was 6 and a half feet of pure muscle (and armed with a greataxe) all likely helped.

[HeHateMe]

My group was trying to get some information from a lady who kept going on and on about how poor she is and how her kids need food. She suckered some of our party with that routine, and they way overpaid her for some marginally useful information. When we left her house, the paladin of Iomedae turns to her and says: "Light's blessings upon you". Then our cleric of Sarenrae says "May the light of Sarenrae ever guide your way". Finally, my Inquisitor of Abadar stops as he's leaving and says "Quit your whining and get a damn job you bum!"

The whole table busted up laughing.

[Qaianna]

Deadmanwalking wrote:

My Oracle/Barbarian actually managed to play that situation off pretty well when he got caught.

The fact that he was potentially looking for a relationship with her, was very polite, and was 6 and a half feet of pure muscle (and armed with a greataxe) all likely helped.

Good point. My poor barbarian was already turned down; she'd already had her way with a certain visiting noble, anyway. Still, seeing the Charisma dumpers having to deal with things while our actual face was busy was interesting. (Sam the barbarian has an 8 Cha; her friend with her had 7.)

Speaking of our party face going weird ... in a modern-day but furry-oriented campaign, we had to deal with some (normal) guard dogs to sneak by. Our party leader/face was a feline. So ... while the rest of the party got by, he got the dogs' attentions by prancing, taunting, hollering, meowing, and just about everything else. 'Those dogs will be seeing you in their dreams at night!'

[quibblemuch]

We recently encountered a kyton, with only two 3rd level characters in the party. I identified it and knew it could easily kill us, but would probably take several weeks for funsies.

Fortunately, I was able to use some devil-blood tiefling Diplomacy to convince it to enslave the cannibal bandits we had just fled from. The good sorcerer was trying to console himself about how maybe what we had done wasn't THAT bad, in the grand scheme of things, what with the bandits being torturing cannibals and all. I looked at him and said (with chipper aplomb):

"Oh, what we did was evil. Evil, evil, evil. If its name were Evil E. McEvil and it were twirling a mustache made entirely of pure concentrated evil hairs while cackling 'Hee-hee-heevil!' it couldn't be more evil."

[Fromper]

We were playing a Pathfinder Society adventure featuring Paracountess Zarta Dralneen. For those who don't play PFS, I'll just say that she's the NPC leader of one of the in game PC factions, and is well known for being the Society's biggest... err... let's just say "flirt" to be polite.

At one point, she dropped a hint about something she wanted a PC member of her faction to do, requiring him to make a Sense Motive check to get the secret message. Being a skill focused PC, he had no problem making the check, and commented, "I can read Zarta like a book."

I responded with "In Braille?"

[Dire Elf]

In our Mummy's Mask campaign, the druid and the monk had both been infected with ghoul fever.

Monk: "We can be ghoulfriends!"

The monk has acquired a pair of apprentice's cheating gloves, which allow him to cast prestidigitation at will. The player was reading the description of the spell to refresh his memory about what it can do.

Monk (excitedly): "I forgot it can flavor things!"
GM: "Eat bacon-flavored steel, villain!"

[jemstone]

Last night's Cyberpunk game, The Social Media Darling and The Zookeeper are breaking the cardinal rule and splitting the party up, leaving The Egghead and The Hacker behind in the safe house.

The ladies find their way to a reasonable point where they can split up and try to return to their daily lives before more people notice they're mysteriously missing, having taken a circuitous route of flying taxis, people-movers, trains, and elevators galore. Just as they think they're in the clear, a group of four Guido's shows up and starts firing tranq darts at them.

"What IS a Guido, anyway?" asks The SMD's player.

The Hacker's player, without missing a beat, replies: "It's another name for an Ivan."

[NenkotaMoon]

Said at the end of PFS scenario...

Player:"Fool! You fell victim to one of the the classic blunders. The most famous is 'Never get involved in a land war in Tien Xian,' but only slightly less well known is: 'Never go in against a Taldoran when death is on the line.'"

[GM_Beernorg]

I am on the Brute Squad!

He IS the Brute Squad!

[Deadalready]

We were on our way to another city which involved months of travel on a ship to find a quest McGuffin. The GM (whether by story or over eagerness to include encounters), gave us non stop grief in the form of side quests.

First it was the Aspis consortium commanding our boat in their war effort (captain being a member), next it was Elves saying they wouldn't allow us onto their sacred land (this arc took months to resolve), then it was some sort of river troll attack, then it was a druid who didn't like us and wrecked the boat, then we needed to hunt monsters for their hearts to power the boat, then the Aspis came back and commanded our boat to ferry slaves.

The whole party was getting sick of all the forced deviations from our intended destination and decided to confront the captain.
We were actually thinking about shanking the captain and throwing him overboard at this point.

ME: THIS IS BY FAR THE WORST CRUISE I'VE EVER BEEN ON. IF YOU DON'T HURRY THE TRIP UP, I AM SO GIVING YOU ONE STAR ON LONELY PLANET!

[Goddity]

The paladin opened a door and stuck his head round to see what was in the room. The GM describes the room, which happened to have 9 goblins in it. The goblins saw the paladin as he examined the room, and were about to attack.

Paladin: Sorry, wrong room.

The paladin then closes the door. The party looks at each other. Then my barbarian has an idea.

I drank the elixir of firebreathing, consume part of my muffin, and opened the door. I then jumped into the room breathing fire into the air and flying.

Me: I AM THE GOD STEVE

Through some amazing rolling I then convince the goblins I am a god named Steve, and the rest of the party is my divine retinue. So we now have a small raiding party of goblins that is willing to die for me, and tries to spread the word about me.

[GM_Beernorg]

LOL, oddly, that has happened to my players before, one of them played a cleric of Odin (don't ask, long story) who when he shocked an orc to death, somehow convinced the rest of the orcs that Odin wanted THEM to worship him too, and so now, they do.

The "Orcs for Odin" roam around, telling people to stand out in the rain and get hit by lightning, hey orcs without knowledge religion don't make the best missionaries...

"Have you heard about the all father, the great god Odin?"

usual reply from NPC's

"Who the hell is Odin?"

[Dire Elf]

In our D&D5 campaign, the party was split up. The rogue was alone and had been attacked by a cultist.
Fighter's player: "Did you draw the shortsword? I drew the shortsword." (Holds up a crude drawing of a sword.)

A few moments later the cultist cast inflict wounds on the rogue.
GM: "That spell does 2d10 necrotic damage!"
Fighter: "Ooh, right in the crotch!"
Me: "No, not necrotchic damage!"

[quibblemuch]

My priest of Nethys took a blast in the face from some beam of light that, per the GM, "shows you your worst fears."

Me: "OH GOD, I'M A MUGGLE!"

[Matthew Morris]

Playing Golemworks incident.

Kodiak Asama, Dwarven Marriage counselor. (Inquisitor of Erastil, with his owlbear companion, Mr. Beaky.)

Starting with the Mission Briefing "Any Questions?"

"Yeah. How are you and the Mister gettin' along?"
"What?"
"Still stoking the fires of love together? Still in marital bliss?"
"I don't see it's any-"
"'Cause I don't see Mr. Heidmarch around. If'n yur havin' any problems. Please remember that Erastil wants to see couples happy, and Mr. Beaky and I are more than willing to set ye down ifn ya need t'talk."

Later on the placing of the defensive constructs.
"I think we should place two of 'em in the master bedroom."
"Why?"
"Well to set the mood! Just imagine the Heidmarchs making sweet sweet marital bliss under t'approvin stare of a pair of angels."
"No."
"W'the fire lights of the halos providing romantic shadows-"
"We ARE NOT putting the golems in their bedroom!"

Still later, in dealing with the guy at the Golemworks.

"Sir, d'ya have a family? Wife to go home to?"
"no, I am married to my job."
"So y'see these little golemthings like kids?"

Still later in having seeing the chairs design...
"Well folks, looks like Black is a follower of Zon Kuthon or Calistra. He likes 'em kinky."

And still later, after something gets in melee with my bow wielding dwarf...
I hit it with the cestus. (with bane) do a lot of damage. "Erastil's Punch!"

I missed one, tumbled to avoid an AOO, knowing I was going to fail. Get hit with the axe, lose lots of HP. I should have said after that didn't work. "Parkour."

[Dire Elf]

Today in Mummy's Mask:

Shaman: "We have four potions of undetectable alignment. Does anyone want one?"
Inquisitor: "I'm not ashamed of my alignment."
Shaman: "...I'm not telling you what it is, but I'm not ashamed of it."

Later we were searching for someplace to take shelter for the night.
Me: "Let's not stay in a house with a crypt full of zombies."
My husband (in zombie monotone): "Brains... brains..."
Me: "Darn it, the brains alarm is going off again!"
Husband, imitating one of those annoying car alarms that vary in pitch and rhythm: "Brains brains brains brains.. brains brains... brains brains brains brains..."

[quibblemuch]

We were fighting in an arena. We did well. So well that the arena boss, a horrible troll, came out to battle us herself.

We won.

My character has a zombie manticore (long story). He orders the manticorpse to pick up the arena boss's body and we fly circles over the crowd, covering them in viscera. Eventually, the party sorcerer gets tired of my shenanigans and orders me to rejoin the group.

"Fine," I say, with a hint of sullenness, "I'll stop trolling the crowd."

[Dire Elf]

From a Star Wars game -

The players were all discussing how the droid character had essentially been resurrected by having his back-up memory chip installed in a new body. As a result, the droid had recovered some old memories that were supposed to have been wiped... as in very old, 4,000 years old.

Droid player: "He's the Kwisatz Haderach!"
GM: "He's the Quizno's Snack Attack!"
Droid Player: "I'm the Kumquat Haagen-Dasz!"

[quibblemuch]

"All I'm saying is, if we magically hybridize a troll and a pig, we can feed this stupid village forever."