Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?


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Sovereign Court RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8

Last night. Slaver crying for help.

Me: Lazarus, please quiet him down.

*Lazarus hits him with oversized flail for max damage, dropping him deep into the negatives.*

Me: Sorry, I guess I should have specified non-lethal.

Later:

Me: I'll get the guy in the crow's nest down. *casts unnatural lust*

It was when I revealed what I was casting that everyone busted out laughing.


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The PCs are exploring the dungeon of a temple of Urgathoa. They get into a room that a necromancer wizard is using as his study. The wizard likes nice stuff, and has his study decked out with a lot of nice furniture.

I draw the rooms on a vinyl battlemat, and I decided to draw a few pieces of the furniture in case the fight I know they're going to get into in the next room spills into this one. Anyway, I draw what's intended to be a desk chair, but it comes out looking a little like a toilet.

Player 1: Is that a toilet?

Player 2: I check it for traps.

Player 3: If it doesn't have a trap, it's not much of a toilet.

Player 2: [not getting the plumbing joke] I disable the trap.

Player 3: Well, if you disable the trap, it becomes an uncomfortable, smelly chair.

Player 2: [now gets the joke] *laughs*

Player 4: The wizard sits on the throne!

Player 1: The Throne of the Necromancer?

Player 4: No, the Bidet of the Dead!


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This just happened today. Note that we had an open window facing the street in real life.
We encountered a dire boar, and the first thing that happened was that it charged my barbarian. It dealt a lot of damage, so the DM and I agreed that it would be sort of cool if my character got her side impaled by its tusk. I then retaliated by entering rage and giving it a round of claw/claw/bite, with one of the claws being a crit, sending it into negative hit points. We then agreed that the barbarian had clawed it so hard that she got her entire hand buried in its neck. The dire boar of course kept fighting because of its Ferocity, but was soon finished off by the party's slayer.

Me, OOC: I want to roll something to see if I keep standing or am dragged down with it as it falls, since it's in me and I'm in it. What should I roll? ... Wait, that sounded wrong.

Other player, OOC: Double penetration!

Unknown voice from outside: Double penetration!

Sovereign Court RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8

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Playing a PFS scenario where we encounter followers of Zoh Kuthon. GM asks what we say.

Me: "Hi we're with the Safe Sane and Consensual Society of Absalom. We're here to monitor safe word usage."


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Drunk Player roleplaying a drunk tengu pirate Blackfeather, being recruited by another player, a prim and proper agent of a local guild.
"I am the great pirate Blackfeather, *hic* What is, can I do fer ya?"
(I had the character roll a fort save, as he said he'd been drinking in this tavern for several hours. He failed.)
Me: "You vomit on the agent's shoes."
Blackfeather: "Sorry love, they looked like me little ones fer a moment there."

He claimed it was his first tabletop session, I was generally impressed.


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In my legacy of fire-campaign, the group's grouchy, Charisma 6 dwarf is talking to the half-elven ranger about a harpy they've met, with a magical ring. The dwarf doesn't know anything about this ring (the player wasn't present that day, but plays it as if her character had simply been absent during the conversation where this was revealed, by being outside, or something along those lines):

Dwarf: "WHAT ring? The filth-encrusted rim of her [insert expletive describing exit route for bodily waste here]?"

Half-Elf: "NO! Her ram-ring ... wait, that didn't sound any better, did it?"

Shadow Lodge

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Our Friday month used a mix of 3.5 Realms stuff and Pathfinder. One of the players is a catfolk rogue who follows my half-giant psy-warrior around and tells people he's my pet cat. Last night he snuck up on a Kenku (kind of a miniature Tengu) and took him out in one shot. He then looked at the GM and said, "I pick the kenku up in my mouth and take it back to the big guy. He suck as hunters."

My pet cat in game is now bringing me dead birds. The GM nearly fell out of his seat.


2 people marked this as a favorite.
Usual Suspect wrote:
I have at least one character doing the kilt with no skivvies underneath. Proper kilt wear is important. Getting caught with skivvies on under a kilt is a punishable offense you know.

Actually, the Scots wore a shirt with very long tails that were rucked up into a sort of breechclout. Wandering around with wee willie winkie going free is a rather modern idea.

Shadow Lodge

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DrDeth wrote:
Usual Suspect wrote:
I have at least one character doing the kilt with no skivvies underneath. Proper kilt wear is important. Getting caught with skivvies on under a kilt is a punishable offense you know.
Actually, the Scots wore a shirt with very long tails that were rucked up into a sort of breechclout. Wandering around with wee willie winkie going free is a rather modern idea.

I can only blame the Scots for telling me what is expected.


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A while ago, I had a barbarian PC in my game, and the player decided that he was from a tribe akin to the Scottish Highlanders. So, he wore a kilt an wielded a Claymore (grestsword).

They were in civilized lands, and a drunk in a bar was looking to pick a fight.

Drunk: Hey! Look at you! Forget your trousers?
Barbarian: It's called a kilt. You know why we call it a kilt?
Drunk: Uh...no.
Barbarian: 'Cause that's what you get if you call it a skirt!

The Exchange

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On murderhoboism:

Cleric: We need answers, not bodies.
Halfling: You're no fun at all.

On a failed perception check:

Dwarf: I couldn't hear anything beyond the door because the halfling and elf were calling each other names.


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In our Call of Cthulhu game we were exploring a mausoleum with Irish surnames written on many of the biers. We'd seen an Elder Sign on one of the family crests so one of the players asks if we see any truly "unusual" names.

Another player then says, "You mean like Yog O'Connell?"


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Yesterday on Legacy of Fire:

The group's half-orc barbarian to the group's half-elven sorceress:

"You're so bad at throwing, you could throw a hissyfit and miss!"


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The setup: our GM is running us through his homebrew Dragonlance campaign from back in the day, ported over to Pathfinder.

At one point we're in a small town trying to get assistance from one of several NPC's. One of the possibilities is a minotaur ship captain, who we find in a local tavern. All of us are recently escaped slaves from a mine; most of us were there or entire lives. Our cleric is one of the few in the party who wasn't in the mine for very long, and his player is the only one of us who has previous knowledge of the Dragonlance setting. Due to this, he's trying to explain to us IC what we can expect from a minotaur (generally evil but honorable; tend to be mercenaries, pirates, and slavers, but will honor their agreements; quick-tempered and quick to take offense).

As the group is trying to decide how to approach the captain, my Kender Rogue pipes up: "hey, guys, I got this one. Don't worry, I speak Minotaur." The cleric tries to grab me but misses, and I walk up to the captain, who's looking at me like, "what do you want?"

My character takes a deep breath and says, "MmmoooooooOOOOOooo!"

Silver Crusade

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Faron Reedbottom wrote:

The setup: our GM is running us through his homebrew Dragonlance campaign from back in the day, ported over to Pathfinder.

At one point we're in a small town trying to get assistance from one of several NPC's. One of the possibilities is a minotaur ship captain, who we find in a local tavern. All of us are recently escaped slaves from a mine; most of us were there or entire lives. Our cleric is one of the few in the party who wasn't in the mine for very long, and his player is the only one of us who has previous knowledge of the Dragonlance setting. Due to this, he's trying to explain to us IC what we can expect from a minotaur (generally evil but honorable; tend to be mercenaries, pirates, and slavers, but will honor their agreements; quick-tempered and quick to take offense).

As the group is trying to decide how to approach the captain, my Kender Rogue pipes up: "hey, guys, I got this one. Don't worry, I speak Minotaur." The cleric tries to grab me but misses, and I walk up to the captain, who's looking at me like, "what do you want?"

My character takes a deep breath and says, "MmmoooooooOOOOOooo!"

DM: *sighs* 'Roll initiative'.

Shadow Lodge

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Let me guess, the kender is named Dory.


1 person marked this as a favorite.
Malachi Silverclaw wrote:
Faron Reedbottom wrote:

The setup: our GM is running us through his homebrew Dragonlance campaign from back in the day, ported over to Pathfinder.

At one point we're in a small town trying to get assistance from one of several NPC's. One of the possibilities is a minotaur ship captain, who we find in a local tavern. All of us are recently escaped slaves from a mine; most of us were there or entire lives. Our cleric is one of the few in the party who wasn't in the mine for very long, and his player is the only one of us who has previous knowledge of the Dragonlance setting. Due to this, he's trying to explain to us IC what we can expect from a minotaur (generally evil but honorable; tend to be mercenaries, pirates, and slavers, but will honor their agreements; quick-tempered and quick to take offense).

As the group is trying to decide how to approach the captain, my Kender Rogue pipes up: "hey, guys, I got this one. Don't worry, I speak Minotaur." The cleric tries to grab me but misses, and I walk up to the captain, who's looking at me like, "what do you want?"

My character takes a deep breath and says, "MmmoooooooOOOOOooo!"

DM: *sighs* 'Roll initiative'.

"I don't care what anybody say, that there's funny."


1 person marked this as a favorite.
Jaelithe wrote:
Malachi Silverclaw wrote:
Faron Reedbottom wrote:

The setup: our GM is running us through his homebrew Dragonlance campaign from back in the day, ported over to Pathfinder.

At one point we're in a small town trying to get assistance from one of several NPC's. One of the possibilities is a minotaur ship captain, who we find in a local tavern. All of us are recently escaped slaves from a mine; most of us were there or entire lives. Our cleric is one of the few in the party who wasn't in the mine for very long, and his player is the only one of us who has previous knowledge of the Dragonlance setting. Due to this, he's trying to explain to us IC what we can expect from a minotaur (generally evil but honorable; tend to be mercenaries, pirates, and slavers, but will honor their agreements; quick-tempered and quick to take offense).

As the group is trying to decide how to approach the captain, my Kender Rogue pipes up: "hey, guys, I got this one. Don't worry, I speak Minotaur." The cleric tries to grab me but misses, and I walk up to the captain, who's looking at me like, "what do you want?"

My character takes a deep breath and says, "MmmoooooooOOOOOooo!"

DM: *sighs* 'Roll initiative'.
"I don't care what anybody say, that there's funny."

We'll see if you think that when the minotaur rips your spine out and beats you to death with it.


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The Indescribable wrote:
Jaelithe wrote:
Malachi Silverclaw wrote:
Faron Reedbottom wrote:

As the group is trying to decide how to approach the captain, my Kender Rogue pipes up: "hey, guys, I got this one. Don't worry, I speak Minotaur." The cleric tries to grab me but misses, and I walk up to the captain, who's looking at me like, "what do you want?"

My character takes a deep breath and says, "MmmoooooooOOOOOooo!"

DM: *sighs* 'Roll initiative'.
"I don't care what anybody say, that there's funny."
We'll see if you think that when the minotaur rips your spine out and beats you to death with it.

You mean the one that tried and is now a sirloin special in that very same bar?


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No, his barbarian half brother that is currently standing right behind you.


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The Indescribable wrote:
No, his barbarian half brother that is currently standing right behind you.

"Eat Underwire?"

(Links and quote for context, and also why it's "relevant" to the current line of conversation.)


The Indescribable wrote:
No, his barbarian half brother that is currently standing right behind you.

"Half-brother," eh? That's good.

That's why I only beat him half to death ...

... and then fed him some sirloin.


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I think more than one person in this conversation has been spending a bit too much time reading the "Macho ways to die" thread. :P


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Hah! I didn't know there was one! Care to link it? The OP might get some great ideas!


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Mystically Inclined wrote:
I think more than one person in this conversation has been spending a bit too much time reading the "Macho ways to die" thread. :P

I'm Sicilian.

"Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA ...!"


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(after the party just met I tell the GM) "Ok so, after earning the leadership of the group, what's next?"

A very freaky guy we called Mr. Zombie used to play Turok and told the game master "I want a plasma chronoceptor" "There are no such things in my campaign world" "How primitive"

We played with some friends after their family ate. A friend who was a bit annoying started eating some leftover nachos from my friend's kitchen said "Do you have anything to go with your nachos?"

A ninja character who was always hiding and whenever combat started he would yell "FLYING KICK" and then miraculously would always roll a 1. After that every fumble was called a flying kick.

More later G2G


the xiao wrote:
A very freaky guy we called Mr. Zombie used to play Turok and told the game master "I want a plasma chronoceptor" "There are no such things in my campaign world" "How primitive"

This is interesting. With the retraining rules an advanced alien slowly acclimating to a primitive world when his tech runs out could be fun to play. At least until he finds out about numeria and realizes he can no longer use laser guns very well.


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Tacticslion wrote:
Hah! I didn't know there was one! Care to link it? The OP might get some great ideas!

But of course! Here it is

Grand Lodge

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At Paizocon 2011 Alex Greenshields ran The Dalsine Affair and I was so lucky to be player at his table.

The Dalsine Affair:
At a certain moment one of the female human cult members confesses she worked as a chambermaid for a woman who was sleeping with Chalfon last year.

My response: "Oh, so she was having the Dalsine Affair!"


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Mystically Inclined wrote:
Tacticslion wrote:
Hah! I didn't know there was one! Care to link it? The OP might get some great ideas!
But of course! Here it is

...

...

...

>.>

Okay, I've not only participated in that thread, I realize, now, that this is the "Funniest Oneliners that Made the Whole Table Laugh" thread. When I posted that, I was... I was thinking this was that thread, and you were referring to a different one. Oops. Thanks!

>.<


Well there has been many and many more during my time as an active RP´er. I used to be part of a RP club where they had a website, and on that website was a whole section just filled with weird and funny things people had said.

The only recent one I really remember is, pathetically enough my own too, "I don´t like magic food, it has that weird arcane aftertaste".

But I am sure my friends (who are on the board too), and fling out a few from our campaigns together.

The Exchange

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"I signed up with the Pathfinder Society to fight demons in the Worldwound, amd they're sending me to fix the plumbing?!"


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The Set-up:

- Single player game (so it's just the two of us).

- Player plays a normally-loner-type paladin, massive exceedingly heavy armor, very high strength. Wisdom penalty. Items that really help out with intelligence-based skills.

- Has successfully 'hot-wired' a "mechanical man" (described in our game as a giant tea-cum-boiler-pot with three legs and four arms) to always follow orders, places a big leather tarp over top of it (leaving it's "head" poking out), and has taken three kobolds alive (though one is unconscious) and tied them to said mechanical man.

- Has several additional exceptionally heavy things.

Dressed in her plate armor with all the stuff tied to her, she clomps heavily, having had the entire small town stop and stare at her along the entire way. She was interested in talking to "cane guy" - an NPC who, though young and reasonably healthy-looking with no obvious injury, seems to rely on his cane and walk slowly; earlier in the day, at lunch, he'd been about to head over to talk to her while she was eating, but a minor earthquake had sent him tumbling, dropping all his food and drink over himself, while she'd run out to investigate (culminating in the part of the adventure where she took kobolds prisoner and hotwired the clockwork servant).

Since that adventure, she'd met with the mayor and undertaker, gotten lots of things prepared and under way, had the bones of ghosts buried to prevent their haunting (even performing rites for kobolds to prevent said haunting), and collected rewards, as well as turning in a wayward (dead, but not by her hand) wizard.

Pretty tired and hungry,

PC: "Do I see cane-guy?"
GM: "... you mean Dajsheem? Yeah. He's over there in the corner trying not to be noticed."
PC: "Yeah, cane-guy! Poor guy! Wait... do I know he's trying not to be noticed?"
GM: "... uh..." *rolls dice* "... no. No, you don't. He's really hoping for company, in fact!"
PC: "Awesome! I go over there and say 'hi'!"
GM: "So... you clomp over to the corner table, as his eyes widen with..." *rolls dice* "... some emotion or another, probably joy... and your device goes *putter-putter/click-clack-cluck-clack-click* behind you, as two of your kobolds stare about wildly.
PC: "Oh, dangit! I forgot about them!" >.> "Oh, well, he's really happy to see us!"
GM: *rolls dice... again; blinks at results... again* "Yes... yes, his bright red, wide-eyed face definitely confirms that. It just screams, 'I'm so happy.'"

Sovereign Court

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Jaelithe wrote:
Malachi Silverclaw wrote:
Faron Reedbottom wrote:

The setup: our GM is running us through his homebrew Dragonlance campaign from back in the day, ported over to Pathfinder.

At one point we're in a small town trying to get assistance from one of several NPC's. One of the possibilities is a minotaur ship captain, who we find in a local tavern. All of us are recently escaped slaves from a mine; most of us were there or entire lives. Our cleric is one of the few in the party who wasn't in the mine for very long, and his player is the only one of us who has previous knowledge of the Dragonlance setting. Due to this, he's trying to explain to us IC what we can expect from a minotaur (generally evil but honorable; tend to be mercenaries, pirates, and slavers, but will honor their agreements; quick-tempered and quick to take offense).

As the group is trying to decide how to approach the captain, my Kender Rogue pipes up: "hey, guys, I got this one. Don't worry, I speak Minotaur." The cleric tries to grab me but misses, and I walk up to the captain, who's looking at me like, "what do you want?"

My character takes a deep breath and says, "MmmoooooooOOOOOooo!"

DM: *sighs* 'Roll initiative'.
"I don't care what anybody say, that there's funny."

Oh by Odin's beard! LOL

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32

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DM waz up? wrote:
Jaelithe wrote:
Malachi Silverclaw wrote:
Faron Reedbottom wrote:

The setup: our GM is running us through his homebrew Dragonlance campaign from back in the day, ported over to Pathfinder.

At one point we're in a small town trying to get assistance from one of several NPC's. One of the possibilities is a minotaur ship captain, who we find in a local tavern. All of us are recently escaped slaves from a mine; most of us were there or entire lives. Our cleric is one of the few in the party who wasn't in the mine for very long, and his player is the only one of us who has previous knowledge of the Dragonlance setting. Due to this, he's trying to explain to us IC what we can expect from a minotaur (generally evil but honorable; tend to be mercenaries, pirates, and slavers, but will honor their agreements; quick-tempered and quick to take offense).

As the group is trying to decide how to approach the captain, my Kender Rogue pipes up: "hey, guys, I got this one. Don't worry, I speak Minotaur." The cleric tries to grab me but misses, and I walk up to the captain, who's looking at me like, "what do you want?"

My character takes a deep breath and says, "MmmoooooooOOOOOooo!"

DM: *sighs* 'Roll initiative'.
"I don't care what anybody say, that there's funny."
Oh by Odin's beard! LOL

By the beard of Paladine!!! It smells like the beard of Fizban!!!


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Completely on accident on my part. 1996, I was running a Marvel Super-Heroes game. Was setting up for the team to meet at a pawn shop at midnight. I improvised the name as Qwicky Cash Pawn Shop. Worse, they asked me what was on the sign, so I improvised that it had the slogan "Come in For Your Quicky". I was trying to show that the place was run down so the last word was torn off.

I was literally the last person at the table to realize what I said.


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Fergurg wrote:

Completely on accident on my part. 1996, I was running a Marvel Super-Heroes game. Was setting up for the team to meet at a pawn shop at midnight. I improvised the name as Qwicky Cash Pawn Shop. Worse, they asked me what was on the sign, so I improvised that it had the slogan "Come in For Your Quicky". I was trying to show that the place was run down so the last word was torn off.

I was literally the last person at the table to realize what I said.

*Pat pat*

I have been that guy so many times.


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>.>
<.<

... me too.

Sovereign Court

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Marathon LG two rounder, we'd found an item that let you speak with dead and a list of questions someone had been asking something dead along with it. Hours pass, we kill BBEG and use item on him.

Player 1:So what do we ask him?

Player 2: oh the list, (whips out list, reads first question) who killed you?

DM: You did, dumbass.


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I fell victim to one of the classic blunders. I mispronounced "brazier." Not I mistake I normally make, which made it really annoying.


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Gwaihir Scout wrote:
I fell victim to one of the classic blunders. I mispronounced "brazier." Not I mistake I normally make, which made it really annoying.

Had a DM at GenCon do this throughout the game. I was grinding my teeth to not correct him.


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DungeonmasterCal wrote:
Gwaihir Scout wrote:
I fell victim to one of the classic blunders. I mispronounced "brazier." Not I mistake I normally make, which made it really annoying.
Had a DM at GenCon do this throughout the game. I was grinding my teeth to not correct him.

Have a GM who does this now. Pronounces chasm as chazim


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Thymus Vulgaris wrote:

This just happened today. Note that we had an open window facing the street in real life.

We encountered a dire boar, and the first thing that happened was that it charged my barbarian. It dealt a lot of damage, so the DM and I agreed that it would be sort of cool if my character got her side impaled by its tusk. I then retaliated by entering rage and giving it a round of claw/claw/bite, with one of the claws being a crit, sending it into negative hit points. We then agreed that the barbarian had clawed it so hard that she got her entire hand buried in its neck. The dire boar of course kept fighting because of its Ferocity, but was soon finished off by the party's slayer.

Me, OOC: I want to roll something to see if I keep standing or am dragged down with it as it falls, since it's in me and I'm in it. What should I roll? ... Wait, that sounded wrong.

Other player, OOC: Double penetration!

Unknown voice from outside: Double penetration!

And more from the same player ... let's call her Player Wrong, and the person initiating this conversation Player Innocent.

The situation is, that the party's half-elven ranger has just seen his more or less psychotic sister abducted right in front of him, by a shadowy deamon, presumably dragging her off to some gloomy, doomy dungeon somewhere. Half-Elven ranger has gone to bed with a bottle of schnapps under his arm, helpfully served to him by a friendly and smiling gnoll bartender (reason enough to be concerned in and of itself).

Player Innocent: "Did he just take a bottle to bed?"

Player Wrong: "Yeah well, he did just lose his sister, I guess he needs something to suckle on ... wait, that sounds all wrong!"

Henceforth, Player Wrong shall be known as Player Wrong. Because wrong.

*facepalm*


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I'm "Player Wrong"? It's not like I'm wrong all the time, it's just the things I say that come out sounding that way :(


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Our Monk: "I carefully kick in the door."
-----

GM: "There´s a ghost, and it´s dead"
-----

Player: "I keep myself out of this crap"
GM: "Yeah but the crap is following you"
Player: "What is this crap that´s following me?!"
----

GM: "Now it´s the corpse turn... And it does nothing"
----

Payer 1: "Lorastine! I am the lord of the keep and I say you´re not allowed to pee on people´s pillows"
Player 2: "But I am the lady of the keep and I pee where I want to!"

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32

Thymus Vulgaris wrote:
I'm "Player Wrong"? It's not like I'm wrong all the time, it's just the things I say that come out sounding that way :(

For some reason, that reminded me of this:

Spike: Come to pump me for information?

Buffy: What else would I pump you for? Did those words just come out of my mouth?


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While in my early days as a DM I described a frost giant as "snickering mightily". This led to about a half hour of the group making deep giggling noises.


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evil_diva wrote:
Our Monk: "I carefully kick in the door."

Going to have to steal this one...


WOOF!

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