Your wish is granted! You find a copy of Deathnote, of mysterious provenance, with a dub reggae beat soundtrack. Bonus! It's also not on a submarine!

I wish I could figure out this paperwork.

Granted!
You figure it out. In particular, you figure out a most puzzling section, with bizarre language and odd symbols. It is an ancient incantation, and in figuring it out you summon Cthulhu. He eats your soul.

Braingamer says to the Wish Granter: "I want immortality."

that's nice, but wanting ain't getting.

I wish people weren't suggesting that I be left to die over in the 'the next poster' thread.

Your wish is not granted! You didn't properly respond to the last post.

AHEM.

Braingamer says to the Wish Granter: "I want immortality."

Your wish is not granted! "I want immortality" isn't a wish!

I wish posters in this thread would wish wishes.

Granted.

I wish I wanted something worth wishing for.

Granted! You want to wish to wish to want a wish.

I wish to wash.

You feel the sudden urge to steal a car and wash it with your bare hands. The police were asking for you, by the way.

I wish I could remember to go to the theaters tomorrow so that I can watch Wreck-it-Ralph.

Granted! You remember to go to the theaters at the right time, have a ticket ready, and even know what kind of snacks you want to buy. Then some darned terrorist decides to crash the party...

I wish I knew why gaming materials are twice the price in Australia that they are in America.

Your wish is granted! It's shipping.

I wish that all the post-election weeping and gnashing of teeth would go ahead and be over.

Your wish is granted! As the dust settles most of north America is no longer inhabitable, and a cloud of radioactive fallout is floating towards Europe. On the bright side the republicans and democrats aren't on each others backs any more!

I wish my split personalities would reunite.

They did, now your brain overloaded.

I wish I had delicius frence fries.

The Frence fries eat you.

I wish i was colorful.

Your wish is granted! You were colorful, but now you're drab and dreary.

I wish these slides would slide monkey themselves.

Your wish is granted
I wish I could come up with
a better haiku

Your wish is granted but just as you were going to write it you forget what it was and because it was so wonderful give up on life.
I wish I was a 20th lvl wizard 20th lvl cleric, 10th lvl mystic theurge and 10th lvl hellknight signifire in real life.

You come up with a better haiku. it's about half a percent better, but better is better right?

I wish that all the weeds growing out of my driveway would die.

EDIT: NINJAS?!? KILL THEM ALL!
Oh well... Your wish is granted! here's your ticket to the LARP. Expect your Mary Sue character to be hated on.

Granted! But since God, the DM, thinks you are too OP, he bans you.

I wish I could get treasure from encounters at work.

EDIT: Since FuelDrop ninja'd me, I grant his wish. Your house is targeted by a missile strike, killing your weeds and removing your house from the planet. You're fine though.

Granted, the office manager just replaced your inbox witha bag of holding. Your level of encounters now doubles.

I wish I could have gotten in on the ninja spree earlier.

Granted!
You get in on the ninja spree. To be precise, the ninjas go on a spree of shuriken tossing, with you as the target.

I wish I hadn't been sick today.

Granted!
You're dead.

I wish Netflix would show Adult Swim cartoons.

Granted! But it's only The Brak Show.

I wish I had a steak from a healthy cow, cooked medium-rare with a little salt and pepper, with no sides nor sauces right now on a 10" dinner plate.

Granted. You are searved a deliciously cooked manatee steak just how you like it. There's now a warrant out for your arrest.

I wish they would stop pumping bacon smell into the lobby of the building where I work.

Your wish is granted! Instead, it's hog farm smell!

I wish this pain between my shoulder blades would go away.

I don't even need magic for this! *hands over a pain killer* Hmmm... Some how that doesn't seem like enough. *Pours fifty more painkillers down Charlie Bell's throat* Yeah that'll do it... oops, overdose! *Looks nervously at the body, then runs away* I hope this doesn't come back to bite me...

I wish I could find the perfect character concept for my next pathfinder game.

Granted. It's a deer that makes gametrails that lead others off the true path.

I wish I could use my new alias before I forget it.

Your wish is granted! You use your new alias, which happens to be the same alias being used by someone Homeland Security has been looking for for a loooong time... By the time they are done with you, you've forgotten the alias and your real name.

I wish my children would grow up to be intelligent, happy and healthy.

Your wish is granted, all your children go to university, work out every day and are happy about their inheiratance.

I wish for world peace.

To easy, everyone is killed on earth by nuclear fallout effectively giving world peace.
I wished Fox only played Joss Whedon shows.

Your wish is granted! Fox now shows only Roseanne!

I wish I had a robot to clean my house before Thanksgiving.

Your wish is granted! After killing you and your family in a robotic rage it meticulously leans up after itself and prepares for your inlaws to show up.

I wish for an uncoruptable wish!

Granted!

I wish I had a delicious muffin.

Wish granted! You eat you delicious almond muffin, thinking to yourself "doesn't cyanide leave an almond aftertaste........"

I wish for a peaceful nights sleep.

You'll get your peacefull sleep, for as long as every night on the planned.

I wish my cat would clean up it's own stuf.

Your wish is granted! Unfortunately, your cat is incontinent and this runs up your water bill.

I wish for wisdom.

Granted!
You get wisdom... teeth.
Again.
And again.
And again.
As a matter of fact, your wisdom teeth regrow every six months, and your options become 1)Getting them yanked every six months, or 2) Letting your mouth become filled with more teeth than should fit in it, resulting in a mangled mess that once was called a smile.

I wish I had another day to work on this essay, without penalty.

Granted! you are sent back to yesterday. unfortunately, you have to do everything you did yesterday all over again, including any progress you made on your essay.

I wish that all the sparkly vampires would catch fire next time they went into the sunlight.

Granted! Everybody now catches fire when in sunlight, including sparkly vampires.

I wish I had a dollar for every post in any thread about alignment issues, monk rules or the caster/martial disparity that appears on these boards.

Your wish is granted! You have a dollar for every such post. When you realize that it's in your financial interest for people to make such posts, you begin offering a $0.10 kickback for anyone who does. You get rich this way, but the boards are overwhelmed and ruined by sucky posts and everyone hates you.

I wish that my plan will work as intended.

Granted. However, since you still have 'Step 2: ???' as part of your official plan...

I wish that people would read more good books, but not to the extent that they cease to function in society.

Granted, Read Books and Function in Society for Dummies and the Idiots Guide to Functioning in Society While Reading are now one and two on the best selling charts.

I wish that the library had the next Pratchett book on my reading list and that it wasn't on checked out if they did.

Wish granted. As you reach the library carpark some idiot smoker (IE an idiot who happens to smoke, not anything else) surreptitiously lights up inside, then drops the match without extinguishing it. the resulting fire levels the library, and the government decides that instead of rebuilding it the money and land would be better used creating a giant statue to the local mayor.

I wish I was getting royalties for the two best-sellers 'Reading Books and Functioning in Society for Dummies' and 'the Idiots Guide to Functioning in Society While Reading'.

Yup. Such a wonderful world! However, the lawsuits apparently extend to you as well, and now you are dirt poor.

I wish I felt better.

Granted! you do feel better... for a moment. however the feeling soon passes.

I wish I knew where the dish that was mentioned several pages ago ended up.

You know, realize that you have supressed it for a reason.

I wish i had more dreams where i was flying. (Or falling, that's fun to)

Granted, but it's also the one where you show up at school wearing only your underwear and someone has tied you to the flagpole.

I wish I could get to bed earlier.

(Well that could have been worse)
Granted, you can go to bed a early as you want, but you can't sleep, you can't even find a way to lie nicely.

I wish the itching would stop.

Granted! The itching stops - but only following a bout of severe desquamation that also claims your ears.

I wish I had a pony.

Look up. you will see your new pony in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Gravity's a b****, ain't it?

I wish I knew why my girlfriend is so angry.

Because you explode ponies maybe?!?

I wish somebody would clean up around here. This place is a mess.