Granted. Now you get ten updates a second and your in-box fills up so you can't get new mail.

I wish I had a new PC.

Granted! You now have a level 1 gnome commoner with 8 in all of his stats. Good luck!

I wish I could properly do the Men in Tights song.

You do it so well that Mel Gibson starts sueing you.

I wish my house would clean itself.

I believe that's Mel Brooks, not Mel Gibson

Granted Azure Zero shows up to your house and puts everything in its proper place.

I wish I had something to do besides sit around the house.

Granted! You lost the ability to sit and now must stand around the house.

I wish I had the motivation to get healthy and fit.

Those guys from Worlds Biggest Loser come to your house dressed like Pirates with Guns. They look serious... if that's possible.

I wish I logged on an hour ago to correct my mistake from earlier.

Granted! But Mel Brooks still sues you for defamation for associating him with Mel Gibson.

I wish I could play Borderlands 2 at work.

You now are able to play Borderlands 2 at work, but only if you are able to have a productive day compaired to the whole of the years 1975, 1969, and 2013. Due to conflicts in the time space continuim, you are not allowed to play until after 2013, when everybody decides that Borderlands 2 is stupid and they should all play Final Fantasy 14 or Halo 4. AWE YEAH.

I wish I had a copy of Halo 4.

Granted! You now have four halos. Hey, at least you won't need a flashlight now.

I wish I had magical powers.

"What? How does one quite down? Sheesh, dude! You really should listen to the library signs: be quiet!"

I wish I had a hat of epic proportions...

Granted! Your hat of epic proportions works just like a hat of disguise, except that it makes you appear to be a female superhero. As drawn by Rob Liefeld.

I wish my Pathfinder groups could play more frequently.

Haladir - granted but you waste all your magical powers granting stupid wishes.

Trinite - granted they do play more frequently however they forget to invite you when they do.

I wish I had something to wish for other than this nagging cough going away.

You wish for more money, but instead of getting richer your cough goes away.

I wish I could get caught up.

You caught up with the work you are supposed to be at as of this moment.

I wish we had a corrupt a fish thread that could make sense.

Sea Anemone of mine trout to hook me on that a whale ago for the halibut, a crappie thing to do if you ask me, but I squid that for good.

I wish I had something else to do.

Granted, the police have a warrant for your arrest, RUN.

I wish I was in a better mood.

Your wish is granted. Cocaine's a hell of a drug!

I wish Rick James was still alive.

Granted! Now he wants to get Super Freaky with your girlfriend.

I wish my girlfriend would get super freaky with me.

The most Super Freak ever.

I wish I had superpowers that didn't work.

Granted. Your superpowers all sit around the house all day doing nothing while you, well, you're probably doing the same. Put the mask on at least. All while Evil is out there working hard and conquering the world.

I wish I wasn't evil.

You're so evil you're GOOD.

I wish I was better with my EMPHASIS.

You type everything in Bold Caps from now on. Unfortunately everyone just starts to ignore you from Emphasis overload.

I wish I wasn't running out of time.

GRANTED! NOW EVERYTHING YOU TYPE WILL BE IN CAPS AND PEOPLE WILL MARK YOU FOR IGNORE BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU ARE YELLING.

I wish I had a fluffy kitten in my lap.

Granted, you have a tiger kitten in your lap, bad news is the mother tiger just walked in the door.

I wish Chocobo had noticed I ninja'd him/her.

*Snicker*

I wish I could find a loop hole in the fabric of time so that I may give video games to medieval knights.

It works, but they call you a witch and cut off your head.

I wish I had a Psionic power that was actually useful.

Granted, you can now open beer bottles with your mind. Unfortunately, you don't know how to control it and every time you go into a liquor store you have to buy hundreds of open beer bottles you can't drink.

I wish I had a fully stocked wine cellar.

Granted! You have a wine cellar fully stocked with Mad Dog, Thunderbird, and Night Train, all in a variety of "flavors."

I wish my hangover would go away.

Granted! However, it comes back in 5 minutes.

I wish DJ-Bogie didn't ninja my wishgranting earlier.

*Snicker*

I wish I could have a ninja hat.

Granted. However it looks like you've slept in it for 10 years and just now took it off.

I wish I had more time to screw around.

Granted! Whenever you start to screw in a screw time slows down so every second seems like a century. Have fun!

I wish that whoever grants this wish is turned into a chicken.

That was easy.

I wish that I could find a copy of Ultimate Equipment in my town.

Granted. It's located in an adult bookstore. Have fun with that.

I wish I hadn't watched half the debates and gotten myself all riled up.

Granted, you only watched one fourth of the debates, wait till you hear about what you missed!

I wish I hadn't fallen asleep watching TV tonight, now I need to go to bed but I'm wide awake.

Granted! You pulled an all-nighter, and now you're exhausted.

I wish this election was over already.

Granted. The Electoral College decides to get in on the fun of early voting too. The next campaign cycle will start 2 months before the inauguration focusing on getting rid of the electoral college and campaign finance reform achieved by installing a monarch.

I wish I could get cought up at work.

You don't want know what you coughed up at work.

I hope the IRS is in a good mood today.

Granted! The IRS is in a good mood today, they've audited 3,000 people for vast sums of money. Too bad you're included.

I wish people at my work would stop with the mistaken belief that I want to talk to them.

They now believe you NEED to talk to them.

I wish I was one of the 3 people the IRS found a refund for.

Granted. Among those 3, I am apparently one of them (whom I did not do anything for... Write it up as Monopoly's "Bank error in your favor.") The guy that was supposed to get it blames you, and comes for you in the night. (Also, now that I actually know bank stuff... WHAT IS MONOPOLY TEACHING OUR KIDS!?!)

I wish the next poster is happy.

Granted! I'm SO happy to be stopping for lunch while driving 350 miles to visit my in-laws.

I wish I was there already.

Granted. You get there hours earlier than you expected and get an even longer lecture from your mother-in-law on how bad a person you are and how much better off you spouse would be married to someone else.

I wish everyone has a safe and sound weekend.

Granted, everyone has a safe and sound and enjoyable weekend...See, See how I twisted that around, BWHAH HAH HA...

I wish there will be enough of my player available to play my game Saturday.

Granted! 90% of your player shows up, all of him except his feet. He can play, but you've got to get all of his snacks and soda for him, since he can't walk.

I wish the sky were blue today, instead of gray.

The sky is blue, but the water backing up out of your sewer is brown.

I wish my wife's cats didn't have so many ticks.

... You should run... Like now... DJ-Bogie's cat and house blow up.

I wish my dungeon would clear itself. Lousy dungeon...

Granted! You now have a 47-oz can of Dungeon De-Louser.

I wish the awesome idea I came up with for my PF campaign would be easier to write.

You accidentally mix up some of your meds and in a flash of brilliant insight you stay up all night writing your masterpiece. Unfortunately, when you wake up three days later it is gibberish.

I wish the meteorologists could be a bit more accurate in their predictions.

Granted! Meteorologists suddenly become able to predict the weather with 100% accuracy, out to 50 years in the future. Unfortunately, with no uncertainty about the weather left, now your barber no longer has anything to make small-talk to you about. So he starts telling you sad stories about his step-kids.

I wish I had gotten more than four hours of sleep last night.