Kender Fumble 'Found' Item Table
Snorter (Pathfinder Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Roleplaying Game, Campaign Setting, Companion, Modules Subscriber; GameMastery Superscriber), Sat, Dec 25, 2010, 05:25 AM
OK, in another thread, we got the following suggestion;
Just for fun i think i'd make a list of embarassing items to be pulled out if the halfling rolls a 1 on the check :)
Ooh! Ooh! I got one!
01.....Kender wedgies himself (1d3 non-lethal, plus 25% nauseated).
02.....Kender pulls hard, and pulls out his own skiddy undercrackers.
03.....A pair of an ally's skiddy undercrackers ("Hey! I was looking for those!")
04.....A stranger's pair of skiddy undercrackers.
05.....A portrait of the kender as a child, with gappy teeth, pudding bowl haircut (think Dwayne Dibbley from Red Dwarf...).
06....An alchemist's time bomb, going off next round!
07....A badge from the town guard.
08....The seal ring from a Noble who was found dead a few days ago.
09....10 foot silk rope that brakes if more than 10 pounds is put on it.
10...A winning lottery ticket (timescale for collection expired).
11...A rotten fruit, that bursts all over the Kender's arm (save DC 12 or sickened until cleaned).
12...A dead rat, which bursts over the Kender's arm (save vs filth fever).
13...Hand is coated with a tarry substance. Very hard to remove.
14...a to-go carton of curry
Gone bad. It stinks. I can smell it from here.
15...burberry check print bucket hat that smells like gin
16....solid 14 kt gold plated mudflap girl necklace
17 ... A Treasure Map! With a Kids' Menu on the back!
Over hamburger hill, through the fry forest, and sail across milkshake lake...WTF?
18...A condom, used. On both sides.
19...a string of beads yeeeeeeesh
20. a naked picture of the local regent's daughter (tasteful naked, though! she's covered by something in the image but obviously not clothed).
21. A spoon with a bit of dried jam stuck to the inside. The kender becomes unbelievably fascinated with this and will attempt to use this as a magic item at least once per session.
22...A naked picture of the regent's son, in all his (morning) glory.
23...A naked picture of the mother of whichever person last spoke (or is still speaking) to the Kender.
24...A mousetrap, loaded, which goes off on the Kender's fingers.
Damage d4, Fort save (DC 20+ damage dealt) in order not to scream at the top of his voice, -6 to any future Disable Device or Sleight of Hand checks until cured or 4 hours passed.
25...A piece of paper with "Time to pick platinum rosebuds" in common written on it. The Kender will rush to try to rob the nearest bank.
(I always loved The Greatest American Hero. Funniest Show Ever!)
26… A piece of yarn – that is a trailing end of a passing barbarian’s knitted loincloth/kilt, and the more you pull the less loincloth/kilt there is, and the greater the chance the barbarian notices who is unravelling it.
27… The pommel cap of the party’s fighter’s primary sword, and a 50% chance on drawing and on each attack roll of the blade flying out of the hilt if the fighter doesn’t re-attach it with a DC15 craft weapon check.
28… The key to the last treasure chest the party ended up destroying to get in (and damaging the contents in the process)
29...A human ribbone carved with scenes of Kobolds stealing babies in bas relief.
30. What appears to be a broken-off table leg that has been carved to portray a naked dwarven female (of humble appearance, even for a dwarf) on the background of a room filled with broken furniture, including what may or may not have been a bed. As horrifying as the scene is to a non-dwarf, it is actually quite beautifully carved. Too bad the female featured is the wife of the dwarf male standing next to you, and he remembers no such incident.
31. A dreidel.
32. A sheaf of papers that has printed on it, over and over and over again: "All work and no play make Johnny a dull boy."
33. A talisman with the truename of a random demon carved into it.
34. A jar of formaldahyde filled with (roll 1d6):
1. a fetus
4. doll heads
5. an undead beating heart
35. a voodoo doll.
36. a random wand with 1 charge left.
37. a toupee.
38. a chunk of skeezy cheese
39. a fake nose, mustache, and spectacles set.
40. a hot pepper.
41. a scratched monocle.
42. a tin of biscuits.
43. a pair of fishnet stockings.
44. a brace of coney.
45. a chisel.
46. a honeycomb.
47. a dishrag.
48. a pretty leaf.
49. a big dead beetle.
50. a feather.
51. a cracked whetstone.
52. a pennywhistle.
53. a broken pencil.
55. a broken egg.
56. an ancient recipe using extinct ingredients.
57. a piece yellow cake.
58. a rib bone.
59. a giant double handful of cotton candy.
61. A baby skunk, which sprays the kender, before running away (chance of attracting guards at GM's option).
62. A cursed kender-bane dagger. It doesn't actually hurt kenders more, it just hurts their feelings a lot (it's intelligent and insults them). Any attempt to be rid of it fails (unless cured of the curse).
63. A badly warped hand-mirror, which distorts the image of the viewer. Being a creature of insatiable curiosity and wonder, the kender is forced to stare at their own reflection, until they can make a Will save at -5 (save as standard action each round).
64. A Nyogoth qlippoth (Bestiary 2, for reference), who proceeds to tentacle hetai the kender, much to amusement and cheers of everybody around.
65. A banana, or rather, what once purported to be a banana, before it became sickly brown mush, covered in thick, luxurious gray fur. This attracts a swarm of either ants, bees, or wasps, if appropriate to the current location.
Kevin Andrew Murphy
66. A personal hygiene product that was in use until the kender "borrowed" it.
67. A parasite that attached to its host until the kender removed it. It now attaches to the kender.
68. A medical device which prevented the wearer from suffering an agonizing death.
69. Some form of marital aid. The Kender, suffering from delusions of innocence, will be unable to comprehend any object falling outside a G-rating and will ask what it is. If the use of the object is explained properly, he will promptly forget it, as Kender minds have been shown to be unable to process any non-innocent thought. He will then proceed to invent an "innocent" delusion which he will firmly believe, misusing the marital aid as whatever "innocent" thing he claims it to be.
70. Broken glass vile. Ouch! 1 damage.
71. A lollipop complete with hairs and lint.
72. The family heirloom now in 1d6+1 pieces.
73. Apparently the Kender kept the contents of the chamber pot and threw out the chamber pot...
74. Like a magician he keeps pulling out bright colored hankies. As an added bonus they are all used.
75. Intelligent Ring of Truth becomes stuck on the Kender’s ring finger. If the Kender tries to call taking someone else’s property anything else than stealing, the ring shouts drowning them out. The Kender can try to obtain a remove curse, cut their finger off, or just learn the difference.
76. A grand piano, no strings
77. A 100 lb anvil.
78. A boxing glove on a spring which punches them. 1d6 non-lethal damage.
79. A grenade. And the grenade's pin.
80. Big bag of greasy meatballs. Kender is covered with a non-magical grease spell. Lasts till licked off.
Kevin Andrew Murphy
81. An Awakened cricket that will declare that it is their conscience and nag them for all their failings, most particularly stealing. If they misremember events differently, the cricket will correct them and then bewail their lying as well. (Note: The cricket is LG, and squishing it would be an evil deed, which Kender by the write-up are incapable of.)
82. Death which, annoyed that the kender interrupted his rounds, immediately kills the kender -- no save throw. (not really I just hate kender)
83. An Awakened cricket, that will declare that it is the kender's conscience, and convinces the kender (no save) that he/she is actually an awakened wooden puppet, who must prove they deserve to become a truly living creature.
The kender cannot be convinced otherwise, until they make a DC30 Will save, allowable once per week. They will even develop psychosomatic stigmata, in the places where their 'strings' would be.
While the cricket is present and audible to the kender, the kender must pass a DC 15 Will save to smoke cigars, drink beer, shoot pool, or speak to anthropomorphic foxes. If the cricket is not present or audible, the Will save is reversed, the kender must pass the save to not do all the above whenever offered.
The kender will also assume that all females wearing blue are fey, and pester them repeatedly that they have been well-behaved, and to let them be 'a real boy' (or girl).
84 Jimma Hoffa.
85. Foamy the Squirrel
Who lives in a kender pocket way in the back?
Foamy the squirrel!
Red and furry and about to attack?
Foamy the squirrel!
He’s not really rabid, he’s completely berserk.
Foamy the squirrel!
He may be cute but he’s one nasty jerk.
Foamy the squirrel!
Foamy the squirrel!
Foamy the squirrel!
86. A ring, belt, necklace, or some other accessory they forgot to put on. Unfortunately it acts as an audible alarm spell whenever they try to steal anything.
87. A splintered wooden object which they get 1d6 splinters stuck in their hands. First each requires a Perception check DC 15 to find and then a Heal check DC 15 to remove. There is a 25% chance for each to require 1d4 days to remove. While any splinters are in their hand they receive a -2 penalty to anything requiring your hands to use.
88. A dwarven high school biology paper written on the evolution of the kender. Received an A+ for suggesting that kender were the unholy descendants of Takhisis and a skunk. Try not to think about it.
89. A wizard's notes on how his devolution spell turned a Kender into a rat.
90. A loaded flintlock pistol. A Kender shoots it ‘self in 10, 9, 8,
91..Action figure of Justin Beiber. The action is singing and any jolt sets it off for 1-6 minutes. It drowns out any talking and angers wandering monsters.
Thanks, Goth Guru, for editing that monster thread down to one post.
I think I tapped a rich vein there.
Don't stop with the suggestions; we don't have to stop at 100, especially as we can then drop a few of those things above, that might actually be useful.
Remember, folks, this table assumes the Kender has already failed the check to find a useful item. This is for awful crud, that no-one in his right mind* would ever want.
*Since the Kender-supporters are so fond of shooting themselves in the foot, by offering proof that all of the race are clinically insane, that doesn't prevent a Kender from being obsessed with this junk, no matter how hazardous, or vile. In fact, given their 'child-like innocence', the character should be forced to stick these things in their mouth, and/or rub them all over their face.
You know, like an actual toddler.
92. A block of clear plastic, with a laser etched 3D image of the Millennium Dome within it.
93. A corkscrew that is half broken - it screws in but resists any attempts to be removed.
94. A tube of kitchen roll with one sheet left on it. You know, the one that rips to shreds as you try to tear it off the cardboard tube.
95. A patent.
96. single piece of Lego. Or mega bloks, I suppose. One of the smaller types.
97. A rotten potato. I mean really rotten. I mean putrescent . Like it goes to much in your hand if you touch it.
98. A dog umbrella. Broken.
99. Pages 75-103 of a betterware catalogue. From 1983.
101. A Pixie that only makes tinkling noises.
102. A Rusty old Hook.
103. A broken alarm cloak that summons a Advanced Fiendish Dire Croc.
104. The key to a chastity belt.
105. Pulls the missing gnome from his bag. (who died due to lack air.)
106. Keys to the Empire state building.
107. A dagger that is the most powerful item in existance but no one believes him/her.
108. A +3 human bane cursed dagger of berserking... that's a lot of blood.
109. A bag of marbles.
110. A piece of string that starts a tale of one time my Uncle Tra.....
111. The deed to some place called Never land.
112. The missing gems you needed last adventure to raise your old character that died to the cursed dagger. :)
113. Why are you still looking in the Halfling/Kenders pockets?
114. Your sanity
115. A parrot that says "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur...."
117. A fortune cookie. The fortune says, "You realize that if you leave out everything that violates game rules, you will still have a list of at least 100 results :)"
But are they awful results?
I still think there's a few I'd be quite happy to find...some I've often deliberately put on my equipment lists.
120: A weirdly shaped rock. It will break open to reveal that it is a tiny Shoggoth. It will follow the party eating the monsters they kill. It has dodge and evasion and will prove impossible to kill. Anyone who objected to the Kender's character can roleplay the Shoggoth.
Warning, my spelling is very bad.
Leave no pun behind.
These aren't necessarily embarrassing, but here's a list of stuff I had for a kender character I never got to play. :(
121. pair of gnomish glasses with one cracked lens
122. Gravestone rubbing
123. a dried up pea
124. a fortune on a piece of small paper, 'there is yet time enough for you to take a different path."
125. Piece of stained glass
126. Window latch
127. Shiny coil of copper
128. one finger cymbal
129. a pair of lacy underwear
130. Red ribbon
131. Three silver feathers
132. One checker
133. Bead of red glass
134. Puzzle box
135. Links from a piece of ring mail
136. 1d8 little gummy candies in various shapes (goblins, kobolds, fighters, mages)
137. Dozen Bracelets Made of Twine
139. Black chess piece
140. A spike from a mace
141. Pair of plaid socks
142. Minute hourglass
143. the lid to a ceramic teapot
144. dead scorpion
145. beetle wing
146. 1d3 Acorn "hats"
147. Hawk feather
148. Colored Thread
149. Torn blue and white handkerchief
150. Dried flowers
151. Dolls clothes (1 dress, 1 pants, 1 shirt in tiny size)
152. A mirror shard
153. Empty turtle shell
154. Multicolored pebble
155. Owl feather
156. strand of prayer beads with two beads missing
157. Piece of lint-covered toffee
158. Bent caltrop
159. A small horseshoe
160. Stale cookie
161. Small ball of colored wax
162. A white button
163. Vial of dust
164. Lock of hair
167. Oak leaves
168. Love letter in elven
169. one plaid sock
170. little bells,
171. dangling pendants of fur and feathers
172. beast claws
173. lengths of tripwire.