Marathon Voter Season 6
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Not to nitpick -- I'm more concerned with making sure I have this right for my own efforts in the future -- but aren't items that require spells with expensive material components, (which miracle is kind of an odd case on) an exception to this?Chrononaut’s HorologeYour price/cost ratio is off. Cost should always be half the price.
Yes. The miracle and wish spells get used in all the ability boosting tomes and manuals. So, the 25,000 gp of diamond dust gets added on top of both the underlying price and cost. Regardless, the chrononaut's horologe price/cost ratio is off even if you factor in such a cost for its use of the miracle spell. That's a very niche case, as well.
And, on a sidenote, we also had a lot of people spell out the material components in their construction requirements alongside the list of spells and feats it required. That's really not necessary. Cost for something expensive like the miracle and wish spells can impact the numbers. But you don't need to call out the actual physical component. That's implied already and rolled up into the base cost/price of the item.
Hello Neil,
Thanks for the extended feedback - it is really appreciated (swung for the fence; hit myself with the bat). Lots of stuff I can work on for next year. I am curious in regards to costing though as I thought I nailed the miracle bit and I'm still not sure where I went wrong with the costing.
These were my calculations:
Base Price 50 (Single use, use-activated) x 9 (spell level) x 17 (caster level) x 7 (*special costing multiplier for the over-powered effect {and the third and final use of 7 in the item}) giving:
53,550 gp
Cost to make: 53,550 + 25,000 (Miracle Diamond Cost) = 78,550gp
Price: 2 x 53,550 + 25,000 (Miracle Diamond Cost) = 132,100gp
*I needed this multiplier to end up with a price in what I thought was the appropriate bracket for the effect. Whatever the case, I am still curious in terms of the proper way to handle the Miracle Diamond Cost.
Thanks heaps again.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
Wow. That wasnt nearly as helpful as id hoped. Thanks.anyways i guess.
We could stop posting the judges comments if you don't think it's helpful. We do, after all, have work to do, and free time to enjoy....
Basically, sometimes it only takes a dozen words to determine that an item doesn't make the cut, and there is a consensus among the judges. Sometimes it takes more effort and discussion.
Tome of Passages
Aura moderate divination; CL 10th
Slot --; Price 75,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
The heavy wooden covers of this book are saturated with aromatic sesame oil. Inside the pages are filled with a maddening array of glyph-like diagrams and arcane magical writings detailing a near infinite number of secret passages that exist throughout constructed environments such as dungeons, castles, temples and taverns. The tome can be used to find existing secret doors, but it also detects secret passages where none existed before.
After studying the tome for ten minutes and making a DC 30 spellcraft check (DC 20 with read magic), the location of all secret doors within 30 feet are revealed to the user.
In addition, the user can locate one secret door to a passage, previously non-existent, in a location of their choosing within 30 feet. This secret door can be opened with a DC 30 perception check. The user dictates the layout of the new passage beyond when they make the spellcraft check. The passage is similar to a passwall effect up to 100 feet in length with a duration of 24 hours, except it can pass through metal or harder materials.
If the passage intersects any open space, it terminates and connects to that space with another secret door and any intended extent of the passage beyond is lost. If the passage doesn’t cross into another space it simply dead ends.
The tome can be used up to four times per 24 hour period but is limited to generating up to 100 feet of passages in the same period.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, passwall, detect secret doors; Cost 37,500 gp
Thanks for any feedback
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
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We could stop posting the judges comments if you don't think it's helpful. We do, after all, have work to do, and free time to enjoy....
I hope that you don't stop, and not just because I don't think my item as made it to the top of the pile yet. I am learning tons reading the other items. I think most people are very grateful for the judges' extra work in giving these comments.
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32
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Wow. That wasnt nearly as helpful as id hoped. Thanks.anyways i guess.We could stop posting the judges comments if you don't think it's helpful. We do, after all, have work to do, and free time to enjoy....
Basically, sometimes it only takes a dozen words to determine that an item doesn't make the cut, and there is a consensus among the judges. Sometimes it takes more effort and discussion.
I'd much rather have even a short answer than none at all.
I hope that someone who asks for feedback, and then doesn't like the feedback they get, doesn't ruin it for other people who are grateful for the time you're spending critiquing our items.
Of course I understand if the judges are frustrated that their extra effort to help people out isn't appreciated. I hope you know that there are a great many of us who really appreciate all you're doing.
I know there are many on this thread (whether posting or not - and I post very little) that are very appreciative of the time the judges (and others) take to critique our items. I personally do not understand how you are able, or why, you would do it. But thanks!
I'd like to thank you all in advance for coming back and offering advice. Thanks again!!
Obi of the Hagfish
Aurafaint conjuration; CL 5th
Slot Belt; Price 2500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Obi are usually made of a wide piece of plain cloth, but more exotic materials such as silk are not uncommon. These items are much more common in Tian Xia, but are now often seen in the various markets of the mainland.
When damage occurs to the wearer of the Obi of the Hagfish (or Nuta-unagi obi as it is known in Tien) from either being grappled, constricted or swallowed whole, the Obi causes the wearer to secrete a layer of muculent ooze from his pores. For grappled and constricted characters this functions much like a grease spell. For those that have been swallowed whole, the Obi often initiates a gag reflex(DC 20 Fort save)due to the foul taste of the mucus. Should the creature fail its saving throw the wearer is regurgitated prone into any open square in front of the creature.
The mucus quickly sloughs off and lasts only a minute after its effect has taken place.
While obi typically come in a variety of colors and patterns, they are most often seen as simple sashes, but much more elaborate versions have been seen. Legends abound of powerful obi that bestow additional abilities that are connected to the various knots (Musubi) tied into them.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, grease; Cost 1250 gp
Ornod’s Ashen Doll
Ornod? Who might that be? Why is it relevant to this item's name? Personally, I'm not really a fan of injecting wizard name's into your item names (or even spell names). Nevertheless, I didn't really let that bother me. An "ashen doll" could be interesting. It kind of brings up an unusual visual image. So, I'll read on...
Aura strong transmutation; CL 18
Slot -; Price 170,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Some weird spacing showed up in this presentation. Looks like it copied over a "tab" and I'm seeing double-spaces between some of the words. It's not a big deal. Just thought I'd mention it. It would be a big deal in a manuscript turnover, though. So, might want to guard against that in the future.
Aura makes sense for the high level twin form alchemist spell. Your CL should be "18th" rather than just a number. And I'm not sure why you'd go with 18th over 16th, since that's the minimum level for an alchemist to be able to cast twin form. Slot and weight are appropriate for a doll. This is a pretty pricey item, though. Let's read some more and find out why...
This one foot tall humanoid shaped doll has no features. It is made of a light grey material that leaves an ashy residue when handled.
Good lead-off descriptive text. You kept it short. Some minor writing/formatting issues, though. Should be "one-foot" rather than "one foot"...and "humanoid-shaped" rather than "humanoid shaped"...and stylistically, it's often better to avoid starting off sentences with "It is..." in a written text. Here's a different approach that might have made it stronger: "This light-grey, humanoid-shaped doll measures just one foot in height and leaves an ashy residue when handled." That's 19 words vs. 25 words...so you buy back 6 more you can use elsewhere. Look for ways to reword things while still conveying the same information whenever possible.
To activate this item the user meditates for one minute. During that time a figure composed of dark black smoke coalesces in the exact shape and size of the user. The user’s consciousness is transferred to the smoke figure.
A one-minute activation time comes off feeling a little too long to me. Even a casting of the twin form spell only takes a single standard action. If the doll requires a full minute activation, it'll only see use in non-combat encounters. So, I assume you're limiting this to a remote-controlled item so its user can avoid putting himself at risk.
The user can see and hear through the figure, but is incapable of physically manipulating the environment. The figure has a fly movement of 10 feet. It automatically makes all fly skill checks and can move through extremely small openings. The figure has damage reduction and immunities as per the gaseous form spell. It has the saving throws, hit points, and ability scores of the user except that it has no strength or constitution. The figure has an AC of 10 plus modifiers from size and dexterity. It cannot be healed by any means. In dim lighting conditions it has a +5 competence bonus on stealth checks.
Several missteps here. You use a lot game terms that should be capitalized, including Stealth and Fly skill checks, ability scores like Strength, Constitution, and Dexterity. This also comes off like a laundry list of stuff you have to track for the summoned creature, which makes it feel a lot more like a Monster-in-a-Can in some ways. So, this is starting to put me off as I'm reading it.
The user can cast spells through the figure that require at most somatic components. This includes spells that qualify through the Silent Spell or Eschew Material feats.
And this one started killing the idea even further. The gaseous form spell normally excludes even somatic spells. And that's to make it a lot more difficult for a spellcaster to adopt all the protections of gaseous form and still get off lots of his best spells. That's because any spell he wanted to prepare, he'd have to increase the spell level by 2 for Silent Spell and Still Spell. Yet, this item ramps up the remote spellcasting ability too far. A sorcerer, for instance, is already going to have a built-in Eschew Materials. All they'd need on top of that is the Silent Spell feat and they can move about in this form and hurl all but their highest level of spells. And that's got game-breaking potential.
The figure dissipates for the following reasons: ten minutes have elapsed after activation, it is reduced to zero hit points, it entered any liquid, or it attempted to move by extradimensional travel. The user can dissipate the figure as a standard action. When the figure dissipates the user’s consciousness is transferred back to his body and the item cannot be activated again for 24 hours.
I believe we wound up discussing and comparing this item to an uber-range project image, which is another method of remote spellcasting. But that spell only grants you medium range (100 ft. plus 10 ft. per level) and it lasts for only 1 round per level. Yet, your item would let a spellcaster move about for 10 full minutes and travel as far away as he wants to at 10 feet per round. That makes this an item that eliminates risk from the game. A spellcaster can use this to pretty much explore most of a small-sized dungeon while never putting his body at risk. Yes, whatever he encounters might have the means to take out his gaseous form remote-scrying, spellcasting twin, but none of that damage is going to come back on his real body. And, he can use this thing every 24 hours. It just takes too much of the risk out of adventuring. And that's a poor design decision to include such an item in the game (in my opinion).
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, gaseous form, twin form; Cost 85,000 gp
Another small format quibble...it should be Craft Wondrous Item, not Craft Wondrous Items. Everything else is tight in terms of presentation. But you've got enough internal problems in your descriptive text, that it was pretty clear your attention to detail was somewhat lacking in this piece.
Summary:
So-so name (the ashen doll part was more interesting than Ornod)
Flawed idea (an uber-capable remote-exploration clone that cast your spells is kind of ill-conceived)
Mechanically broken (the range, duration, etc. crosses the line into game-breaking)
Writing issues (both in presenting game terminology and some passive voice)
Flawed presentation (many missteps in using the provided template)
I for one, am looking forward to the comments on my item. Without them, how am I to know what I did wrong and learn to correct them for my submissions next year.
Please for the love of god, dont stop until you've done mine, ok..... :) .....lol
To people who wonder why we don't automatically post feedback? *This* is why. Sean and Mark are pasting in the commentary needed for the judges to make their determination of who's going to be in the Top 32. Neil is specifically writing advice intended for the contestant for each item. If the judges had to ensure their commentary was supposed to be helpful to the contestant, it would take them six months to narrow down the Top 32.
I absolutely agree with Vic. People who are new to the contest need to understand. The advice I'm giving here is advice. It's not the kind of discussion that we have time for in the judges' chamber. Sean and Mark are giving you valuable insight into how your item got discussed and viewed during the judging process. I'm intentionally trying to give you something in addition to that...just some opinion-based analysis when and where I can to provide as many lessons as possible for those reading along. And that's not just for the individual designer. This feedback is meant for everyone who cares to review it.
And, to Vic's point, this is way more than I should be doing. There's no way I'll have the time to make it through every item with this level of feedback and advice. So, I apologize in advance if I'm unable to work my way down to anyone who posted later on. This weekend, I'm going to have a bunch of archetypes to review. And that'll eat up my time really fast.
Star Voter Season 6
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Wow. That wasnt nearly as helpful as id hoped. Thanks.anyways i guess.We could stop posting the judges comments if you don't think it's helpful. We do, after all, have work to do, and free time to enjoy....
Basically, sometimes it only takes a dozen words to determine that an item doesn't make the cut, and there is a consensus among the judges. Sometimes it takes more effort and discussion.
I thank you for your time and this really is helping
I for one, am looking forward to the comments on my item. Without them, how am I to know what I did wrong and learn to correct them for my submissions next year.
Please for the love of god, dont stop until you've done mine, ok..... :) .....lol
I actually want to address this for a moment, vikking. Because I think a lot of people make the mistake of waiting for their individual item to get reviewed to better understand where they went wrong. That's actually not the best use of your time, because all you're really going to receive is information about what you did wrong in that one design. And, I suppose if you were going to go back and recraft it, that might be useful. But, what you really need to be doing is reviewing all of this feedback, advice, and commentary on everyone's designs. By filing away those lessons, you'll improve yourself far more than a critique of your single item.
Thus, the answer to your question about "How am I to know what I did wrong and learn to correct them for my submissions next year?" is actually self-education. You need to absorb every lesson you can find in every critique that's posted. And you need to move past your current item anyway.
Just my two cents,
--Neil
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8
aka ugly child
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The Journal of Pernicious Replication* It's a multi-function photocopier and shredder all-in-one. Well-designed and executed, but not a particularly Superstar idea. I'm also getting shades of the "copy" spell mechanic Dave Gross included in the first Pathfinder novel Prince of Wolves, though I don't believe this designer riffed off that. Regardless, I'm not wowed by it. I kept waiting (and hoping) to see the journal do something more impressive.
* Boring. Dungeons & Office Depot.
Thanks for the feedback guys. I will try to aim for some less plain for next year.
I wish you luck with getting through the rest. :)
To people who wonder why we don't automatically post feedback? *This* is why. Sean and Mark are pasting in the commentary needed for the judges to make their determination of who's going to be in the Top 32. Neil is specifically writing advice intended for the contestant for each item. If the judges had to ensure their commentary was supposed to be helpful to the contestant, it would take them six months to narrow down the Top 32.I absolutely agree with Vic. People who are new to the contest need to understand. The advice I'm giving here is advice. It's not the kind of discussion that we have time for in the judges' chamber. Sean and Mark are giving you valuable insight into how your item got discussed and viewed during the judging process. I'm intentionally trying to give you something in addition to that...just some opinion-based analysis when and where I can to provide as many lessons as possible for those reading along. And that's not just for the individual designer. This feedback is meant for everyone who cares to review it.
And, to Vic's point, this is way more than I should be doing. There's no way I'll have the time to make it through every item with this level of feedback and advice. So, I apologize in advance if I'm unable to work my way down to anyone who posted later on. This weekend, I'm going to have a bunch of archetypes to review. And that'll eat up my time really fast.
I just hope you can keep it up. The effort you put into the advice posts is staggering. I know everybody watching this thread is hoping their item will get the Neil-treatment in the course of this week.
Niel, you are correct, and I am reading all of the reviews and a lot of it is being processed and filed into my brain as "things to keep in mind". I probably should have worded my earlier comment differently, sorry.
Oh, and that comment was actually meant to be in humor, hence the :) and the lol at the end. Apparently that wasnt clear as to its location in my comment, again, my bad, sorry... :)
Wow. That wasnt nearly as helpful as id hoped. Thanks.anyways i guess.We could stop posting the judges comments if you don't think it's helpful. We do, after all, have work to do, and free time to enjoy....
Basically, sometimes it only takes a dozen words to determine that an item doesn't make the cut, and there is a consensus among the judges. Sometimes it takes more effort and discussion.
Just want to add that its absoluely amazing that any feedback at all is provided. I can't think of many other competitions where you'd have an opportunity to see the judges' comments.
Even if I only get "Boring item - Do not want!" as my feedback that'll at least give me an idea of how much work i need to put in next time. And its more feedback than you have any right to expect.
Yay Paizo staff!
... But, what you really need to be doing is reviewing all of this feedback, advice, and commentary on everyone's designs. By filing away those lessons, you'll improve yourself far more than a critique of your single item.
...Just my two cents,
--Neil
+1
The way this thread is growing I think the easiest way to accomplish this is one page a week over the next few months. Too much at once is hard to process and repeat study is better than cramming anyway. So for now, I will continue ctrl f each page for my item. O:)
Talisman of Time
Oh boy. My shields go up everytime I see an item that's going to be dealing with "time" because that often means time travel, time manipulation, etc. And that just opens up a ton of game-impacting issues. So, tentatively...I read on...
Aura moderate abjuration and evocation; CL 7th
Slot Neck; Price 13,000gp; Weight –
Aura and CL are appropriate for freedom of movement and imbue with spell ability. Slot and weight seem right for a talisman, but you need to lowercase "neck." Price is...well, it's very hard to price what this item does. So, I'll put that on the back-burner for now. But I will note that you need a space between your price and "gp"...
DESCRIPTION
This is a finely crafted talisman made of gold and platinum strands woven together into a loop. In the center of the loop, is an hourglass with the top half crafted from a diamond and the lower half crafted from an emerald. A DC 20 Perception check reveals that the hourglass has a fine latch that locks it in place and allows one to flip over the hourglass inside the loop.
Good descriptive lead-off. Probably not a good idea to introduce Perception checks to figure out what an item does, though. A simple identify spell should eventually figure it out.
Once per day, as a move action, the hourglass can be turned over and the gems reversed, allowing the emerald’s color to start flowing into the diamond below like sands of an hourglass. Turning over the hourglass displaces time, transferring the actions of the wearer this round to an ally of the wearer’s choice, who then takes a standard action in the wearer’s place. This leaves the wearer flatfooted and unable to do any other actions this round.
Eesh. Borrowing actions so you can give them to your allies is a poor mechanical choice. It's ventured into game-breaking territory. Think it through. Let's say the weak wizard is out of spells and the party got ambushed. The fighter's sword arm is what matters more. And yet, rather than participate in the fight, the wizard keeps giving his action to the fighter so he can keep swinging that much more. Or, let's reverse the scenario. A fighter keeps giving his wizard buddy his action so the spellcaster can keep flinging more spells. This is broken because actions have certain value according to the character classes and their abilities. Stacking additional actions on top of another PC is overbalancing what that character can achieve at the mere cost of an action in the hands of the other PC that might not have been worth as much in that particular encounter.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, Freedom of Movement, Imbue with Spell Ability; Cost 6,500gp
You need to lowercase your spellnames. A lot of people made this mistake and I just don't understand it. This type of misstep has been called out multiple times in previous years of the competition. And, even if folks were new to the contest and didn't go back to review that kind of feedback, a simple cursory examination of an item from the Pathfinder Core Rulebook should be enough to demonstrate how the spell requirements should be formatted. I hate to harp on you specifically for this, Noteleks. But it was a common enough error that I'd really like to see people eliminate it in the future.
Earlier in the advice threads, I remember mentioning that I planned on holding people to a higher standard on this type of thing. This many years into the competition, we really shouldn't be seeing items that aren't formatted properly. That should be a no-brainer by now. And, next year, any item that gets those elements right should have an immediate advantage over a similar item that doesn't.
Summary:
Uninspired name
Poor idea (borrowing actions not good for the game-balance in encounters)
Flawed mechanics (same deal on the borrowed actions)
Decent writing (clear, concise)
So-so presentation (still need lowercase spells and some spacing issues)
Niel, you are correct, and I am reading all of the reviews and a lot of it is being processed and filed into my brain as "things to keep in mind". I probably should have worded my earlier comment differently, sorry.
Oh, and that comment was actually meant to be in humor, hence the :) and the lol at the end. Apparently that wasnt clear as to its location in my comment, again, my bad, sorry... :)
No worries. I took your comment in stride. My words weren't just singled out for you though. I wanted it to reach everyone reading along waiting for "their" item review. This thread isn't just for individual feedback. It's meant to serve as educational insight into game design as a whole.
Neil, I am so looking forward to your review of my item, but I would also like to see the comments you made to it in the judging thread as well, if that is possible, when you do get to mine.
If they are something that, well isnt forum friendly, feel free to email them to me. I feel those comments would be a great deal of insight as well.
Thanks.
I believe that SKR and Mark Moreland are tag-teaming to transcribe the judge's-chamber comments, including Neils, though I could be mistaken.
Forceful Bracers
So-so name. No immediate imagery gets conjured up. But it's simple and direct. And, based on what the bracers can do, it's an appropriate name, too.
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot arms; Price 90,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Aura and CL are appropriate for a telekinesis-based item. Slot should be "wrists" for bracers (and "arms" isn't a valid slot for a magic item). You've got the weight right for a pair of bracers. Price seems somewhat high at first glance, but maybe not, based on what they do.
Description
These bracers are each a foot long and are decorated with a single rune. Wearing the bracers grants the ability to mentally push others away from you. As a move action, you may push a single large, or smaller, living target within 30 feet. You may push them ten feet in a straight line away from you. If this movement is obstructed, or if the target cannot be pushed, they take 2d6 points of blunt damage instead. A successful DC 15 Fortitude negates this effect.
It's usually not a good idea to have wondrous items use move actions to activate them. It's a cheesy way to grant someone two attacks or what really amounts to two standard actions. Hurling a creature against a hard surface usually only inflicts 1d6 damage as if it had fallen 10 feet (according to the telekinesis spell) so the 2d6 "blunt" (which probably ought to be untyped damage or bludgeoning damage). When referencing a saving throw in your text, also include the word "save" so it reads "DC 15 Fortitude save"...
Construction
Requirements craft wondrous item, telekinesis ; Cost 45,000 gp
You need to capitalize Craft Wondrous Item (and all feats in an item's construction requirements). Your price/cost ratio is accurate. Decent use of the template.
Summary:
So-so name
Cool effect/idea (but still mostly a SIAC)
Mechanically suspect (should be more true to the telekinesis effects)
Decent writing (mostly clear)
Flawed presentation (wrong slot, feat names, etc.)
I believe that SKR and Mark Moreland are tag-teaming to transcribe the judge's-chamber comments, including Neils, though I could be mistaken.
Correct. My commentary from the judges' forum is included in what Sean and Mark are copy/pasting. They've just stripped out which comments came from whom...though many of mine are probably obvious based on their length alone. ;-P
OH no! I hope I am not too late to get my item posted. Granted, I haven't had a chance yet to read all the comments, in fact hardly any. So I do not know yet if everything has been covered already thus far. I just got home and didn't get home yesterday till midnight. This is the curse of the Pacific Time zone. I see Sean is sounding a little burnt out and/or cranky already. :(
Oh well, here is my item anyway. Hopefully we get to see the comments and some (besides myself) find them useful. Seriously, gentlemen, thank you for all the free time of your own you have spent on this feedback.
Runic Portal Stone
Aura strong conjuration; CL 18th
Slot -; Price 200,000 gp; Weight -
Description
Created by the Rune lords ages ago, these stones were used by their servants to travel to certain places to deliver messages or shop for material components or other errands in far flung places, even to other planes. The cabochon cut stones fit into the average adult humanoid’s hand with runes of destination and teleportation carved into the exposed flat face. The stones when activated with the correct destination and command words teleport the individual holding it and up to three other persons or equivalent pounds of goods touched by the holder, up to a maximum of one thousand pounds. Each stone will teleport to a specific place set when the stone was created. If that place no longer exists, is obstructed in some way, or was warded against teleportation since the stone was created, the teleport simply fails to operate. A single word, “return” will return the user and up to three others (or equivalent weight of goods) to the place from which they originally teleported. To create a new stone the proper ritual must be performed and runes carved into a fist sized and precut bit of mineral from the destination of the teleport. Equal proportions of diamond dust and amber dust worth a minimum of 50,000 gp are expended during the ritual. An example of such a stone is the Runic Portal Stone of Kaer Maga which is composed of a bit of flowstone from a particular spot in the limestone caverns below the city.
Construction
Requirements Wondrous item creation feat, Permanency, Plane Shift, and Teleportation Circle spells, fist sized bit of mineral from the location; Cost 100,000 gp
Philosopher's Spell Guilders
Hmmm...kind of an unassuming name. Not really sure what this will entail. Doesn't invoke any particular imagery in the reader.
Aura strong (no school); CL 12th
Slot --; Price varies; Weight –
So...this thing follows the lead of metamagic rods with the strong aura with no specified school. That's because there's no spells in their construction requirements. Slot and weight are appropriate for coins. I don't particularly like the "varies" designation for an item's price. You need to settle on what it does and price it.
Description
These coin-like tokens shine with the unique brilliance of gold transmuted by the legendary philosopher’s stone. They often bear the likeness of creatures capable of metamorphosis such as caterpillars, tadpoles, or even werewolves.
Decent descriptive text. Running a bit long, though.
A spellcaster may expend a spell guilder to apply a metamagic feat to a spell as it is cast, whereupon the guilder turns to worthless lead. This does not change the spell slot of the altered spell. Similar to metamagic rods, each guilder is keyed to a specific metamagic feat and is limited by spell level. A caster may not use multiple guilders on a spell cast nor combine them with metamagic rods. It is permissible to combine a guilder with metamagic feats possessed by its bearer. In this case, only these feats adjust the slot of the spell being cast. Normal guilders can be used with spells of 6th level or lower. Lesser guilders can be used with spells of 3rd level or lower, while greater guilders can be used with spells of 9th level or lower.
So...how is this actually different from a metamagic rod? They're consummable? That's just not a very innovative Superstar idea. You've got to bring something new to the table, not rehash an existing item.
Spell Guilder, Quicken
Price 2,000 gp (lesser), 4,000 gp (normal), 8,500 gp (greater)
The possessor of this guilder can expend it to cast one spell as though using the Quicken Spell feat.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Quicken Spell; Cost 1,000 gp (lesser), 2,000 gp (normal), 4,250 gp (greater)
Spell Guilder, Enlarge
Price 150 gp (lesser), 550 gp (normal), 1,200 gp (greater)
The possessor of this guilder can expend it to cast one spell as though using the Enlarge Spell feat.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Enlarge Spell; Cost 75 gp (lesser), 275 gp (normal), 600 gp (greater)
This is just annoying. Even multi-items like metamagic rods have the commonsense to separate themselves out into individual entries. So, you're overstepping the template and providing too many items at one time. For the purposes of catching the judges' eye, it's far more important to do a single item and do it well before branching out and trying to do this large of a multi-item category.
Summary:
Weak name
Poor idea (this has been done before)
Okay mechanics (and it better since works just like something that's already in the game!)
So-so writing/flavor
Flawed presentation
Contributor
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Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
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Neil is posting clear and concise examples of why an item does and doesnt work, sean is not.You are correct.
To people who wonder why we don't automatically post feedback? *This* is why. Sean and Mark are pasting in the commentary needed for the judges to make their determination of who's going to be in the Top 32. Neil is specifically writing advice intended for the contestant for each item. If the judges had to ensure their commentary was supposed to be helpful to the contestant, it would take them six months to narrow down the Top 32.
99% of us are truly appreciative of the feedback the judges are providing. :)
Thank you for taking time to offer your critiques.
Pipe of Smoke and Flame
Aura moderate evocation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 80,000 gp; Weight -
Description
This smoking pipe’s bowl is cut from a red dragon’s bone and carved to appear as a dragon’s head. Filling and lighting a pipe takes a full-round action. While smoking the pipe and for one hour thereafter, the user gains resist energy (fire) 10. By drawing on the pipe and blowing smoke as a standard action, the user can perform any one of the following spell-like abilities:
- Haze: The user can blow smoke into the face of another person to cloud his mind as per the daze spell (Will DC 11 negates), except that the range is 5 feet.
- Obscure: The user can blow smoke around him, creating a concealing haze as per the obscuring mist spell, except that winds are only half as effective in dispersing the smoke and fire has no affect.
- Smoke Cloud : Three times per day, the user may blow a 20-foot radius smoke cloud as per the pyrotechnics spell feature (Fortitude DC 13).
- Smoke Form : Three times per day, the user may transform himself and all his gear (including the pipe) into smoke as per the gaseous form spell, filling a 10 foot square, except that winds are only half as effective against it, and anyone caught within chokes as per Smoke Cloud.
- Dragon's Breath : Once per day, the user can breathe a 30-foot cone of fire as a per a young red dragon’s breath weapon, dealing 6d10 points of fire damage (Reflex DC 14 half).
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, daze, fire ball, gaseous form, obscuring mist, pyrotechnics, resist energy; Cost 40,000 gp
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7
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"Guardian Amulet"* Monster-in-a-Can with an amulet of protection (I guess so it's not a ring)...
Thanks Sean. I expected the MiaC to be trouble, but thought it may have had a shot ... though my view may have been skewed by the recent death of my wizard when the combat folks went left and right to get to the BBEG and left a clear path to my poor ... now late ... wizard. ;)
Thanks for taking the time to include everyone.
Much appreciated.
Spine of the Forest
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot belt; Price 28,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
DESCRIPTION
This belt appears as a thick corded tangle of vines which tightens or loosens to fit the waist of the wearer perfectly.
On whispering an ancient Sylvan command word, a number of vine-like limbs equal to your Dexterity modifier sprout out of the belt like spiders' legs. These limbs may extend up to 15ft and allow the wearer to move or climb at a speed of 40 without the use of her hands. Climb checks made while the belt is in use are granted a competence bonus equal to your Dexterity modifier. In a Forest setting this competence bonus is increased to twice your Dexterity Modifier.
Two limbs are required to support the weight of a single medium creature. Hence, four limbs would be able to support two medium creatures, four small creatures or one large creature. When using this item for long-distance movement, you can hustle without taking nonlethal damage. The limbs remain in operation for one hour per character level per day, unless dismissed by the wearer, or destroyed by lethal damage. Each limb has AC 16, 20 hit points, and hardness 5. Destroyed limbs re-grow in 1d4 days, as long as at least one limb survives. Destroyed limbs cause a climbing character to fall and receive falling damage as usual.
Any limbs not being used to support a climbing position may be employed to make secondary natural attacks (Reach 15ft). Each successful hit deals 1d6 damage and may attempt a grab (CMB +15). If more than one limb attempts a grab on a single opponent the CMB increases by +2 per additional limb.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, plant growth, spider climb; Cost 14,000 gp
OH no! I hope I am not too late to get my item posted. Granted, I haven't had a chance yet to read all the comments, in fact hardly any. So I do not know yet if everything has been covered already thus far. I just got home and didn't get home yesterday till midnight. This is the curse of the Pacific Time zone. I see Sean is sounding a little burnt out and/or cranky already. :(
Oh well, here is my item anyway. Hopefully we get to see the comments and some (besides myself) find them useful. Seriously, gentlemen, thank you for all the free time of your own you have spent on this feedback.
You're quite welcome.
Runic Portal Stone
A basic, stout name. Nothing super special about it, though. And seeing "portal" in the name, I'm immediately wondering where this will go...because there's some potential for abuse when you play around the travel-related items and mechanics. It's a design niche where you need to tread carefully.
Aura strong conjuration; CL 18th
Slot -; Price 200,000 gp; Weight -
Aura and CL makes sense for an item involving teleportation circle. Slot and weight is reasonable for a runic stone. I guess it depends on the size, which I didn't necessarily get a sense of by the description. It fits in someone's hand, but a heavy stone can still be held in your hand...and it could be considered heavier than weightless. Also, your price is max'ed out at the top of the wondrous item table, so I've got a raised eyebrow now.
Description
Created by the Rune lords ages ago, these stones were used by their servants to travel to certain places to deliver messages or shop for material components or other errands in far flung places, even to other planes.
You've got a reference to Golarion lore here, but it should be "Runelords" not "Rune lords"...
The cabochon cut stones fit into the average adult humanoid’s hand with runes of destination and teleportation carved into the exposed flat face. The stones when activated with the correct destination and command words teleport the individual holding it and up to three other persons or equivalent pounds of goods touched by the holder, up to a maximum of one thousand pounds. Each stone will teleport to a specific place set when the stone was created. If that place no longer exists, is obstructed in some way, or was warded against teleportation since the stone was created, the teleport simply fails to operate. A single word, “return” will return the user and up to three others (or equivalent weight of goods) to the place from which they originally teleported.
This item takes me off into a computer gamer or video gamer's mentality. It's the type of item that keeps letting you go back to your "safe" location to sell off your loot, rest up, and then auto-return to where you last used it so you can pick up where you left off with your adventure. So, I've seen this type of item before. It feels like you're duplicating an item out of another game. Plus, a basic teleportation spell can still achieve this kind of thing for you without spending 200,000 gp on it.
To create a new stone the proper ritual must be performed and runes carved into a fist sized and precut bit of mineral from the destination of the teleport. Equal proportions of diamond dust and amber dust worth a minimum of 50,000 gp are expended during the ritual. An example of such a stone is the Runic Portal Stone of Kaer Maga which is composed of a bit of flowstone from a particular spot in the limestone caverns below the city.
I'm not sure the example helps all that much. Also, when referencing magic item names in your descriptive text, you need to lowercase every word that's not a proper noun. So, it should be runic portal stone of Kaer Maga.
Construction
Requirements Wondrous item creation feat, Permanency, Plane Shift, and Teleportation Circle spells, fist sized bit of mineral from the location; Cost 100,000 gp
It should be Craft Wondrous Item, not "Wondrous item creation feat." When you list spells in your construction requirements, they should always be lowercase, italicized, and alphabetized. You got two out of three right. And you don't need to say "spells" afterward. It's implied because you've identified them with the italicized representation of their names. Lastly, never include a material component in your list of requirements. Material components are just assumed in wondrous items and they're rolled up into the cost. That said, you called out a 50,000 gp material component which should be factored separately into your cost. But, it looks like you just shot it up to the max on price/cost as a ballpark method rather than a complete mathematical number-crunching to see where it would come out.
To make these mistakes leaves the impression you haven't done your homework by researching how wondrous items are presented and priced in the Pathfinder Core Rulebook. So, rightly or wrongly, you're building an impression that makes it hard for the judges to trust you with a spot in the Top 32. Thus, you need to lock these things down and improve your attention to detail based on self-study of how wondrous items are designed and presented.
Summary:
Uninspired name
Poor idea (it's been done before and there are better options)
Okay mechanics (it works about like you'd expect a SIAC teleportation)
Decent writing/flavor (but you've got to get the Golarion lore right if you reference it)
Flawed presentation (many missteps here that you need to work on)
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
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Phial of Purloined Persona
Aura Moderate Divination and Illusion; CL 5th
Slot Neck; Price 16,200 gp; Weight -
Description
This small, pointed crystalline phial attached to a loop of silver chain bestows its wearer with the knowledge and mannerisms of another individual while worn (taking up space as a magic necklace would). To use the phial the wearer must first gain a sample of blood of the individual to be mimicked by drawing blood with the phial using a touch attack, doing so is a standard action which provokes an attack of opportunity. If successful the phial deals 1 point of damage to the target and fills with 24 drops of the target’s blood. This blood evaporates at a rate of 1 drop per hour, and once empty the phial becomes powerless unless refilled. The phial can hold a maximum of 24 drops of blood from any one subject. If the blood of a second target is taken then the older blood immediately evaporates.
So long as the phial is worn and contains a sample of blood the wearer gains a +10 bonus to disguise checks to emulate the individual whose blood is trapped in the phial, this does not change the wearer’s appearance in any way. Rather it allows them to mimic the target’s mannerisms and vocal patterns to near perfection.
Furthermore as a free action the wearer may use the phial to gain the answer to any question using the target’s Knowledge skill ranks rather than the user’s own. The wearer can also recall any piece of the target’s personal information. Using the phial in this way uses up a drop of blood for each knowledge check rolled or piece of information recalled.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, blood biography, disguise self; Cost 8,100 gp
Thanks in advance for any feedback.
Hell Brand Tattoo
Aura: strong transmutation; CL 12th
Slot: --; Price: 92,000 gp; Weight: --
Description
Mages claim the eldritch power of these bizarre markings comes from a demon bound to service and trapped within the darkness of the ink. When discovered as treasure, hell brand tattoos are found as pots of liquid pigment (equal to a potion vial). If unstoppered the spirit in the vial reveals its purpose and power, and if welcomed, flows onto the bearer of the vial to form an intricate arcane design. It takes 2d4 hours for a hell brand tattoo to settle into its initial design and become active. Once bonding is complete the tattoo comes alive, shifting with the moods of the wearer and whispering into his mind.
Once bonding is complete a hell brand tattoo confers the following abilities:
* +4 insight bonus to AC
* Darkvision 90'
* Inkshift: The tattoos shift and roil allowing the wearer to change form as with an alter self spell.
* Inkforms: Hell brand tattoos can flow off the wearer's body to create simple tools or weapons (claws, swords, (though nothing with moving parts) lock picks, tools, or articles of clothing. These items are non magical (though they are considered masterwork). Inkform items are part of the character's body and cannot be thrown, shared, or separated from the character.
The process of bonding a hell brand tattoo permanently consumes 4 of the wearer's hit points. The spirit in the pigment also imbues the wearer with an unmistakable taint of darkness:
* Constantly radiates evil
* -4 to diplomacy checks
* Hell brand tattoos once applied cannot be removed
Only one hell brand tattoo may be worn at a time.
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, alter self, darkvision, minor creation; Cost: 46,000 gp
Absalom Amulet of Distinction(note that the actual submission did include markup)
* Intro quote addressing the character. Boo.
If you pass the Test of the Starstone, you don't need to recruit followers in the city, you'll actually be a god.
It uses "distinct" as if it were a game term.
For the most part, I don't see anyone actually trying to use this item. The only things really valuable are the skill bonuses, and you can get those much more cheaply elsewhere.
* Blah. This is messed up.
Low marks on presentation. Feels very much like a home campaign item. Just a bunch of skill bonuses. And I don't even particularly care for the Golarion fluff that was thrown in. Feels very tacked on...like someone tried to take their favorite home campaign item and trade out their own background fluff with something out of Golarion.
Hmm. Looks like you took this completely wrong in my form of presentation. Ah well. Probably the language I used.
The intro necklace was to give the idea that you were going to be an important person. That's the magic of the item...you're going to be 'important'.
This isn't there for real gods. It's for the puffed-up sorts who want to BECOME gods, get a following. Furthermore, I used Distinct in the same way you'd use "Fire Shielded"...it's an effect. I wanted the wearer to stand out from others...nobody else could pretend to be him, but neither could he escape public attention. It's a cheap item because it'll be used by low level sorts who have a grand destiny ahead of them...or so they think.
The bonuses were: Can't be mistaken as someone else; someone else cannot be mistaken as you (so, nobody could pretend to be you successfully); stacking minor social bonuses (you can win friends and influence people, and you always seem to know what's going on); the ability to gain a larger following then other people if you prove to be a real leader.
And the kicker was that people would always think he was more powerful then he really was...meaning that they'd be coming to him with problems more powerful then he could handle. Which accounts for a nice death toll as would-be godlings overreach themselves.
Ah, well. It's a minor item meant to convey the attitudes of those who desperately want to become gods...and the consequences that go with that status.
And no, it's not a home campaign item. I designed it specifically on reading about Absalom and it's wannabe gods...nothing like that in my home campaign! :) The cost is actually based on a Cha buffer with a bonus for the leadership extras. The +/- nature of being recognizably Distinct cancelled it out...it's an ego thing. "No, that was OBVIOUSLY a doppleganger, not me!"
Probably just bad language on my part. It's definitely not meant as a combat item. Thanks for your time.
==Aelryinth
Thanks for your time
Disk of Launching
Aura: Moderate transmutation; CL 12th
Slot -; Price 27,000 gp; Weight 10 lb
The disk of launching, or manapult as it is commonly referred, is a magical device designed to fling a person or object into the air. Originally, this item was designed to be used by soldiers during a siege, but now it has found favor among adventurers wishing to overcome a myriad of obstacles.
The device is a 1-ft diameter wooden disk that comes in a carrying case. Both the case and the disk detect as magical. The disk of launching is activated by speaking the command word and giving a verbal height and distance measurement in 5-ft increments, along with a direction. This takes a full-round action to complete and uses 1 charge. If a precise measurement is required by the DM, the user must make an Intelligence check DC 10. The device can achieve a height and distance of up to 100-ft in both directions. After the height and distance are set, the disk is placed upon a solid surface.
Once the disk is set, as a full-round action, a medium or smaller creature weighing less than 300 lbs can step on the disk or an object weighing 300 lbs or less can be placed upon it. Then the disk launches the user or object into the air until it reaches the precise height and distance. Then a feather fall spell is activated, allowing for a safe and controlled descent.
After the disk is done being used, it can be recalled to the carrying case by speaking a second command word while holding the case. This also uses 1 charge. The disk and case hold 50 charges.
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, dimension door, feather fall and telekinesis; Cost 13,500 gp
Aura moderate divination; CL 6th
Slot shoulders; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
The inside of this elegant black cloak conceals a vast array of symbols stitched in fine silvery thread. The symbols twist and morph as nearby magical effects are perpetually transcribed onto the cloak. If the wearer ever comes within 10 feet of any magical effect that triggers when a password is not provided (a trap with the alarm proximity trigger for example) the cloak cautions her (and only her) with a cacophony of whispers.
The magical effects transcribed within the cloak can be deciphered to reveal their hidden words. A successful Linguistics or Spellcraft skill check reveals any command words or passwords keyed to a non-artifact object or magical effect within 120 feet that the wearer can see or detect. The DC is 15 + the caster level of the object or magical effect. Each check takes 1 minute and cannot be retried until the next day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, find traps, read magic; Cost 6,000 gp
Thanks for doing this Sean.
Cheers
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Canary Cage Delver
Aura moderate transmutation and divination; CL 11th
Slot Head; Price 10,000 gp; Weight 40 lbs.
Description
An unusual creation useful to miners and explorers of underground caverns ethically opposed to the potential sacrifice of a sentient summoned creature. The Delver acts as a warning system for potential deadly hazards such as gasses, traps and or cave-ins. Shaped like a three-foot-long mirrored cigar on wheels the Canary Cage Delver sports a metal cage on one end and a gas lamp on the other. Once employed the user may control the device by donning a hood and concentrating. The user will then be able to see as if contained within the Canary Cage Delver and command its movement for one hour per day. The Canary Cage Delver can travel slowly (15 feet per round) over coarse terrain, but not over terrain that requires acrobatics or climb checks. The user must make all the appropriate checks (Profession mining, Knowledge engineering) to determine the safety of the traversed passage. Extinguishment or amplification of the flame is suggestive of dangerous gasses as is the death or silence of the usually boisterous canary. The Canary Cage Delver does not come with a canary.
Construction
Requirements Wondrous Item, Animate Object, Message, Arcane Eye; Cost 5000 gp
Cloak of the Coward* Someone just doesn't like compulsion spells that take over their character and put them under the control of the GM...they'd much rather run away instead. I'm not really a fan of this kind of protection...especially not at 22,800 gp. It's also exceptionally lame that won't work for anyone who's immune to fear...so no cowardly paladins, I guess?
Also, didn't care for the built in joke with the yellow stripe and chicken feather to reinforce the coward aspects of the cloak.
* Plot device. Reject.
Plot device? Not at all my intention, I'm wondering how that came up? Still, thanks for the feedback, looking forward to coming back next year.
So do all of us lady gamers get priority? ;)
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Well, I suppose I'll take the plunge as well. Thank you all in advance for your advice. It is most helpful. Also, if one of the major issues is pricing (I was never quite satisfied with it but figured it was the best I could do), I'll kick myself in the face...somehow. I don't know how yet, but rest assured it will look incredible. Thank you again for your time.
Scabbard of Echoes
Aura faint illusion; CL 5th
Slot belt; Price 6,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description:
This deep blue scabbard is adorned with gold clasps and seems to flicker on occasion even when stationary. It is capable of storing any size bladed weapon that, when drawn, creates an illusion of the wearer drawing the same weapon to attack from a different direction. This momentary illusion allows the wearer to make a feint attempt as a free action with a +2 bonus after drawing her weapon. This may be done any time the weapon is drawn, but only once per round. Once per day, the wearer may speak a command word as a swift action before drawing the weapon to generate multiple illusions, all attacking from different directions. This increases the bonus on the feint attempt to a +10. Sightless targets, as well as those under the effect of a true seeing spell, are not subject to feint attempts made through use of the Scabbard of Echoes.
Construction:
Requirements Craft Wonderous Items, mirror image; Cost 3,000 gp
Edit: Pretty sure I didn't do it in the original. Spell shouldn't have been italicized after true seeing.
Bone Melter
Wow - I had no idea my item would fall into the "so bad it's offensive to the senses" category. C'est la vie, right?
Again and still, thanks to all the judges for their work... At least you have a narrower field of likely better entries to pore over in the coming weeks!
I have been away from the boards for a day and wow did this thread fill up fast! Its gonna take me a while to catch up on all the sage wisdom contain herein. And here is my item (my third time entering and guess still not quite getting it)
Aura Strong (No School); CL 13th
Slot – ; Price 69,750 gp; Weight – .
This prism-shaped gem shows a swirling vortex of colours that change as you view each facet.
An Arcanocrystal is a charged item that can only be used in conjunction with an Arcane Bonded Object. A Wizard of at least 11th level can physically attach it to the Object as if adding a magical ability.
The Arcanocrystal can, at the cost of one charge, change one energy descriptor (acid, cold, electricity, fire or sonic) of any spell cast by a Wizard when using their bonded object. For example a Fireball can be changed from fire damage to sonic damage. Other aspects of the spell, such as the casting time and duration, are not affected though the visual appearance may vary at your discretion.
An Arcanocrystal can have a maximum of 50 charges.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, limited wish; Cost 34,875 gp
Wow, this thing is getting huge!
I only hope Neil doesn't lose interest before he gets to the end of the fourth page! :p
If not abundantly clear, I was *NOT* a judge this year. My comments are not "official" and had nothing to do with the selection process. And while I was permitted to view submissions as a kind courtesy, I did not make any comments on them or give any input in any way in their evaluation.3) Other people (including Clark Peterson, of course!) are welcome to provide their own comments here.
Please may I add as a competitor that I appreciate all feedback regardless of source and welcome Clark and anyone else providing feedback.
I cant do better if I dont learn, and I wont learn if I dont get lots of feedback from multiple sources - so feel free to rip away at mine as much as you like Clark, I'll take all the abuse you can give and everyone elses
Why?
Because it is usually well reasoned and informative and just what we need. So Clark, I think I speak for all of us when saying you are most welcome to give your tuppence ha'penny on items you feel so moved to do so.
Speaking of which, thanks to all the others who have taken the time. Once again I'm learning from everyone else as well, even though with mine I fell into the SIAC/SAK trap (Serves me right for trying to tie seasonal things together in one item) and this skill gain is purely due to all the wonderful feedback we are getting.
So BIG UP thanks to you all.