The Next Poster...


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GoatToucher wrote:
The next poster will start off the new page with a truly horrifying statement.

It’s Taco Tuesday in the workroom.

The next poster knows why this statement is horrifying.


Well, I don't know why it's horrifying, but people say it's because I grind the corn tortillas myself, using old family... techniques.

The next poster is in the mood for something spicy.


Always. Spice is, quite literally, the spice of life.

The next poster suddenly got an urge to eat something they didn't eat for more than ten years.


The oldest of old kebabs, bought from Lucky Mehmet's Doner Clinic in November 1997 and left to mature down the back of the sofa, but still as tasty as ever!

The next poster has been tempted by something quite different.


Vladek Odradek wrote:

*casts silence on KahnyaGnorc*

The next poster is preparing for an expedition to Aucturn!

*Gestures something about either an amazonian beauty or a kumquat.*

*Gestures something about the next poster and rutabaga.*


Hmmmmmmm. KahnyaGnorc is gesturing that I take this rutabaga and...hmmmmmmm...place it...no...wait...shove it...yes, shove it up...<gasp>!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The next poster is on a bad date!

Silver Crusade

*Stupid Foot No Love Kitten No Love Tickle-Stick Give Koko Banana Not Peanut-Butter Persimmon Sandwich No No No No No No Red Mad Toilet*

*throws date out window and onto street, which is about 6 floors below*

*Give New Face Now Find Nine Books Play With Pretty Red Lips Devil*


Um... thanks?

The next poster is fluent in gorilla sign language.


Hmmmmmmm. That gorilla is gesturing that I take a rutabaga and...hmmmmmmm...place it...no...wait...shove it...yes, shove it up...<gasp>!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The next poster cannot stand low-brow humor.

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Card Game, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Roleplaying Guild, Tales Subscriber

I refuse to comment on the previous inane and trite post.

The next poster can't refuse to comment on anything...


It's not in my nature. Did I ever tell you the time I [you picture an idyllic scene in the early summer. You sit in a copse of trees near a small brook, which babbles pleasantly. To your right, the grain of grandfather's farm blows in the wind like a great sea.]

At any rate: that's why I can't go back to Absalom.

The next poster serves as my proxy among the Pathfinders.


It's a dang dirty job, but someone's gotta do it. What an unusual suit of armour this is, and such an exotic weapon! I can't wait to Specialise in this!

The next poster is investigating GoatToucher on the Pathfinders' behalf.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

He's in the adventure path Rise of the GoatTouchers. *Spoiler* you'll want spells of blindness and deafness...not to cast on your enemy, but to cast on yourself. You just don't want to see or hear anything in this adventure path.

The next poster spoils everything for everybody!


Do you remember when Frigg walked all over the world, eliciting a promise from every animal, rock, and tree that it would bring no harm to her son, Balder?

I did something similar, except I touched everything with my [REDACTED].

Everything.

The next poster is giving the sandwich they are eating a second look.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

It's a hot dog.

I'm not hungry any more.

The next poster can guarantee weight loss without any need for fussy diets or fatiguing exercises!

Dark Archive

*fires up the chainsaw*

The next poster is first in line for treatment! YEEE-HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEE!!!


'Tis but a scratch.

The next poster has cornered the market on shrubbery.


After I bought Roger the Shrubber’s business, my monopoly on this market is absolute!

The next poster has just proved that gravity is an illusion.

Liberty's Edge

*leaps into a black hole...*

...

...

...

*...and back out again*

TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

The next poster will describe, in vivid detail, what I saw in the singularity!

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Card Game, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Roleplaying Guild, Tales Subscriber

Goatoucher [Redacted] his [Redacted] in front of many [Redacted];[Redacted]'s complaints took up 23.4 GB of data.

The next poster makes rainbows and unicorns look bad.


Well Rainbows are gateways for the greedy sharp toothed leprechauns to enter our world...and unicorns, well have you seen their horn that they use to gore with.

The next poster knows what's up.


George. George is up, but only because he reversed gravity on himself and his desk.

The next poster has been under reverse gravity since conception.


I like to perch upside-down, so it helps with that.

The next poster starred as a villain in a very recent movie!


I played Andy Serkis playing Supreme Leader Snoke! Wearing two motion-capture suits, one on top of the other, was pretty uncomfortable. That’s just what you have to do for art, though.

The next poster has lived their entire life in front of a green screen.


I flayed Kermit and wrapped his skin around my TV. Why? Maybe you just had to be there.

The next poster was there.


We laughed, we cried, we had bacon.

The next poster was in the balcony, heckling Pulg and me.

Shadow Lodge

"*ZZZZ*...Wh-whuzzat? Where are we?"

"I think we've just been invoked!"

"Who said that? I can't see her."

"Well, maybe that's for the best - apparently she's some kind of Orc-Gnome hybrid!"

"Hey, at least she's not Pulg!"

"D'OH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"The next poster will tell us about their brief stint as henchbeing to the villainous 'Skiron Slayer!'"


I thought I was being helpful when I [REDACTED] Skiron. For a day and a half. He certainly wasn't going to bothering anybody any time soon, or doing anything but weeping and walking with a limp.

But apparently this Skiron Slayer fellow was looking to develop a hero/nemesis relationship with Skiron, like you see in particularly terrible periodical narratives: constant conflict with no long term resolution. By [REDACTED] Skiron, I had removed him from that, frankly, moronic and interminable narrative, so Skiron Slayer was rather irritated, and spoke to me in a tone that I most certainly did not appreciate.

So I took him into the "Workroom" and [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] until it would [REDACTED] every time he [REDACTED].

By the end, he had learned to speak to me more civilly, and only after raising his hand.

The next poster was my assistant as I ministered to Skiron Slayer.


2 people marked this as a favorite.

"Feather duster!"

*Hands GT feather duster*

"Sour cream!"

*Hands GT sour cream*

"+3 Paddle of Delighted Squealing! "

*Hands GT +3 Paddle of Delighted Squealing*

"Nitrous Oxide!"

*Comes forward with canister of laughing gas*

*Dried blue whale's [censored]!"

*Hands GT dried blue whale's [censored], painted with cabalistic symbols and adorned with a single glace cherry on the tip*

"Night Ranger's greatest hits!"

*Storms out of workroom in disgust*

The next poster, acting on behalf of the blue whale, is seeking restitution from GoatToucher for the loss of his client's [censored]


Pulg wrote:

"Night Ranger's greatest hits!"

*Storms out of workroom in disgust*

I lol'd.


The court will find that GoatToucher agreed to pay the whale three [REDACTED] for use of its [REDACTED], but he only paid with two! Justice must be served!

The next poster is angry at all the redaction going on.


How do people redact, when they never dacted in the first place?!

The next poster can dact all . . . night . . . long.


Which is probably the only thing I have in common with Lionel Ritchie.

The next poster was not what Lionel was looking for.


Well, hellooooo, Mr. Rit...wha? Not me? What do you mean 'keep steppin''? FORGET YOU, MR. RITCHIE!

*runs off crying

The next poster likes to console anyone who cries, or laughs, or basically has any type of emotion.


It's all right JTD, he doesn't know what he is missing out on. You would be a great friend to Mr. Ritchie.

The next poster started world war 5.

Sovereign Court

Hey now, I didn't think that assaulting a sports mascot would ignite a climactic clash between multiple countries. Besides, that no good walrus had it coming!

The next poster agrees me about it.


*spikes a pair of thumbs-up styrofoam hands to CRH's wrists*

*uses a Mojo smile-face-holder on CRH*

Yup. Now he's agreeing.

The next poster has a... very... serious... objection to what I did.

Scarab Sages

*gives Sissyl a reproachful look, with hands on hips* Sissyyyyyllll...

...are you trying to make Count Heydrich die for our sins???

The next poster will punish Sissyl for such shenanigans in a poetically-just fashion.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

Absolutely! Look at how loose the face stretching apparatus is! Do you want slippage? Do you want an asymmetrical rictus parodying joy beneath eyes filled with horror and dread? I don't think you do.

This undead flesh works more like leather than living tissue: when it malforms, there's no getting it back into shape. If we are going to make this fellow into a walking horror and Sign To The Others Of What Happens When They Cross You, we are going to need to display some pride in our work.

Here, I'll wave my usual consulting fee so we can get this done.

Jambi: My gloves...

The next poster will retrieve my face stretcher key and a stainless steel #5 plug from my workroom. We have to get that smile straightened out, and the Count is sitting far too comfortably.

Keep away from the jars: the contents have not fermented yet, and it will stain.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

Sigh. And now a Ninja. -FINE-!

Sissyl: you will assist, and the count will be a Sign To The Others Of What Happens When They Cross ME!

Next poster, GET ME THAT #5 PLUG, DAMN IT TO HELL! This [REDACTED] isn't going to dilate itself!


Sorry, it took me a few hours. It never ceases to amaze me how hard it is to get through the [REDACTED] when you're carrying a [REDACTED] that's just absolutely brimming with liquified [REDACTED].

:The scene pauses as I turn to the camera:

What GoatToucher didn't know is that I was delayed while assembling a crack team to steal his prized [REDACTED] right out from under his [REDACTED]. The next poster knows just the person for the job.


I do indeed!

Next poster, you're the right person for the job! Go get that [REDACTED]!


Fine! Here it is.

The next poster has finally been declassified for the first time since the Punic Wars...


I was a top-secret Centurion's hat - now, at last, my story can be told!!!

The next poster was a Punic hair stylist.


Did you know that the only reason Hannibal won as many battles as he did was because of his impressively coifed hair? It really is a big booster for troop morale!

Then I was hit by an arrow in the knee at Zama and couldn't be a hairstylist again for some reason. It all went downhill after that.

The next poster was a Medieval plumber.

Sovereign Court

In the time others were posting GoatToucher made me use his time machine. It's quite embarrassing.

*Looks at the previous post I left.*

I meant to say: "agrees WITH me".

The next poster has to constantly remind me to proofread my posts before submitting them.


You neglected a comma in there after posting. It's a run-on sentence otherwise...

The next poster was on the set of LOST.


You almost had it right, Goblinbane. I was actually lost while on the set for Land of the Lost. It was [another word for redacted]!


As you asked, JTDV, I have redacted that horribly racist comment you made in the last post. Using a [REDACTED], of course.

The next poster was actually the original poster the entire time!


And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your dragon!

The next poster was Scrappy Doo all along.

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