Director of Brand Strategy
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I Vehemently disagree with Clark in that it will take an RpgSuperstar to make a herbivore and interesting monster
Since Dennis is RPG Superstar material, it shouldn't disqualify this entry from that category, in any case. This is an interesting herbivore, so, quid pro quo, Dennis must be destined to win the whole thing. Congrats, man!
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
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How did the author respond to the challenge? Structure is OK, some repetition in Powers and Abilities.
How does it stack up
- as an opponent? They have a couple of separate abilities with not much obviously in common, though no doubt it helps a mental-attacking creature if opponents have difficulty approaching them. Yeti and frost giant minions make sense in this context also.
- as something other than an opponent? Definitely goes into wider consequences of their presence and their relations with other creatures. I'm not sure if their intelligence would extend to negotiating and plotting with settled creatures in any way.
- in relation to other monsters? I have the impression a herd would be reasonably high in CR and that this fits well with the typical treatment of polar regions.
- in relation to the author's item? Very different in scale, maybe a similar strength in its consideration of wider campaign implications.
- in itself? I thought the name was intriguing and well-judged as an expression that real inhabitants of a setting actually might use. Regrettably, here I found their native abilities of mind-affecting collective powers a bit arbitrary (maybe connected to yak-men?) Their terrible cold is not their own ability but derived from an existing creature, on which note, arguably it's difficult to justify how essentially normal beasts could coexist with brown mold or how the latter survives in sunlight.
Technically well constructed but I have to admit the logic escapes me.
I've been flip-floping on my opinion for this one. I like the writing. On one hand I can't figure out why these wouldn't just wonder by like the perfectly normal beast and leave things alone. On the other hand the whole, "you are a creature I can not compel to be nice to me therefore you go squish now" does work for me. I would see these as a one use kind of thing. Maybe a village is in the path of a herd and the players need to stop them before the village is wiped off the map. They could be a continual hazard in a region where they tend to be found, but too many encounter would get tedious I think.
Brown Urus
cut for space
This is the twenty-fifth monster that I am looking at. I do not read the comments below the entry before posting my opinion. An apology if this is duplicative of someone else’s entry, in part or whole.
Bison with a brown mold symbiote? Whoa. Like a mammoth that can never freeze into a glacier? Where did you get the inspiration for this one?
Powers:
*collective intelligence (hmm, how would that play out?)
*innate magical powers (mm-kay)
*charm or dominate (huh? A moldy bison can take away someone’s mind? I guess ‘sly intelligence’ covers this.)
*frost giant servants and guards (okay, high CR)
*leach warmth (yeah, the mold)
*thrive on fire (cool!)
*passive, so they avoid confrontation (huh? I would think given the frost giant servants and the bleak landscape that they leave that they would be indifferent)
*herd tramples and stomps, etc (do you treat as a swarm? A unique ability? Something else?)
*stun or confuse threats to escape
Summary: The idea to marry a hazard with an enormous slab of proto-beef thundering across the tundra? Cool. I am not sure that it works for me at all. The creature is described as intelligent enough to dominate frost giants, but it seeks to avoid confrontation? This may be a case of it taking an opportunity when it can, but those are pretty damn tough critters in D&D… I am also not sure about the “herd” designation. Might this work better as an alienesque fungus or mold that dominates _a_ bison herd instead? You have chops for coming up with the idea! I’ll give you that. This one I need to really examine closer a second time before a final decision.
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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I realy dig the bison/brown mold combo meal. It not only is novel in it's own, but is a good way to turn herd animals into something scary and threatening, just by doing their thing (eating everything in sight.) I agree that I'm not a fan of the hive mind/psychic powers tacked on. It feels just as out of place as on the Churjiir rat monster.
So, in summary, I like half the concept, and think it would be a neat monster to revise and use, but the mish-mash feeling fails to make it Superstar.
Does it grab me visually: Yes. Brown mold in their fur is very cool, and would reward PCs who notice it and know not to throw fire at it.
Would I use it in game: Probably not. There just seems to be too much going on with this creature. I like the brown mold mixed with a creature, it makes for interesting tactical decisions. But then the mind control aspect completely throws me off. I’m just not sure what to do with these passive creatures that control frost giants.
Would my players enjoy an encounter with it: Yes, but it would frustrate them. When the wizard strengthens them by throwing fire at them, there will be many laughs around the table. But they will be confused by a herd of these with magical mental powers running away from them.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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As we close in on the end of voting I wanted to thank everyone for commenting (and hopefully voting) on my item. I appreciate you taking the time to consider my entry and put together a few words about how to improve it. Hopefully I will have the chance to take your advice into consideration next round but failing that I will certainly take it forward into future writing that I do.
In particular I want to thank the judges who spend a huge amount of time and energy making this contest work. You guys are awesome and your efforts are definitely appreciated.
The other competitors have been supportive and in general just great guys. Being in the contest with them has been a blast and has really forced me to step up my game. Thanks guys, I wish they all could join me in round 3.
One thing this contest has done is inspired me to spend more time writing new gaming related materials. So even if I don't make the next round I expect you will be seeing something from me in the coming months, even if it's just on the Fan Creations forum.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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As we close in on the end of voting I wanted to thank everyone for commenting (and hopefully voting) on my item. I appreciate you taking the time to consider my entry and put together a few words about how to improve it. Hopefully I will have the chance to take your advice into consideration next round but failing that I will certainly take it forward into future writing that I do.
In particular I want to thank the judges who spend a huge amount of time and energy making this contest work. You guys are awesome and your efforts are definitely appreciated.
The other competitors have been supportive and in general just great guys. Being in the contest with them has been a blast and has really forced me to step up my game. Thanks guys, I wish they all could join me in round 3.
One thing this contest has done is inspired me to spend more time writing new gaming related materials. So even if I don't make the next round I expect you will be seeing something from me in the coming months, even if it's just on the Fan Creations forum.
Hey, best of luck, Dennis. I hope you make it through!
>>One thing this contest has done is inspired me to spend more time writing new gaming related materials. So even if I don't make the next round I expect you will be seeing something from me in the coming months, even if it's just on the Fan Creations forum.
I will be very interested in seeing what you bring us. I was impressed by the inventiveness of this entry and it won one of my votes. I hope that you advance!
I didn't want to post during the round but I really like this entry Dennis.
I like that two creatures, one mindless and one not known for its mental prowess combine to be the one calling the shots - the cows herding the men (or yetis, as the case may be).
I think that the entry would have been even stronger had you expanded on the nature of the urus control and use of dominated/charmed creatures.
I think you might have had more fans had you played up the symbiotic relationship - as written it is hard to see what the urus gain from the relationship - i don't think it was entirely clear that they are terra-forming their habitat as they pass. I might have added a size expansion ability when exposed to fire as well.
your sentences starting "a chill fills the air.." and "as the urus pass..." don't necessarily bring someone (who isn't reading it over and over like the submitter or his editors) to assume that the urus take the plains from temperate to arctic. It doesn't jump at you the way i think you probably wanted.
I can see an encounter where the pcs come over a hill see a single cow in snow they don't expect and taking the encounter at close to face value only to find an angry herd coming to the cow's aid with lots of frost giant support :-) good stuff!
Good luck!
Absolutely! I know it was hard to keep your chin up, but you made it!
Congratulations! Frost Cows FTW!
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Going to have to work on my stress management techniques for round 3.
The frustrating thing about this is I think the rules of round 3 make it tough for me to talk about or expand on my idea too much. I certainly don't want to skunk up someone else's works by posting a stat block or suggesting possible changes to the existing entry.
Thanks everyone, if you have a little patience I will follow up on questions but I think I should wait a bit.
Congratulations Dennis. I was really pulling for you to get thru on these suckers, as were alot of people obviously.
Just keep up the great work, and we very well may be seeing a Pathfinder Module featuring the Brown Urus stampeding down from the frozen North.
Dennis:
First of all, congratulations on making it to the Top 16. I thought I would wait until after the voting for Round Two ended before offering any commentary or advice. And I'm going to come at it a little differently, in that I'm not going to focus primarily on your design this round. Rather, I'm going to have a go at examining your entire portfolio to this point to sort of assess what you've done well, where you could shore up a few things in your overall design and writing, and then give you some more pointed advice on stuff you could showcase in future rounds to maybe improve your chances of going all the way to the end. So, with that in mind, here goes:
Looking back at your Round One wondrous item, I really loved Pharasma's blessing, despite a handful of things the judges wanted a fuller clarification on (specifically the speak with dead part). Regardless, I thought your item had some real innovative mojo going for it. There was room for some mechanical shoring up, but in general, the idea was great. When I look at the Brown Urus, however, I think you took a step backwards. The brown mold overlay on the herd was kind of inspired. But as soon as I read your lead-off where "A herd of large grazing animals thunders past", I immediately wondered how you'd manage to translate that into Superstar material. And I don't think you succeeded. So, you lost the mojo with the Brown Urus just from your design decision alone. I think you could have perfectly executed the entire concept from start to finish with the tightest prose available, and the core of your design...the foundation you laid with it...still wouldn't quite have enough going for it to stand out. Now, that's not entirely true, of course. You made it to the next round. And that's a good thing. But, from a portfolio standpoint, the Brown Urus will potentially stick out as something that was "okay, but not awesome" as you move further into the competition.
So, looking forward at the remaining rounds, I think you've got to rediscover that mojo. You need to find the spark of an idea that you know will make everyone stand up and take notice. Don't just seek to survive and advance to the next round. Look for an opportunity to nail one of these assignments so thoroughly that it makes everyone stand back and say "WOW!" Because, if you can create a couple of moments like that during the combined rounds of RPG Superstar, it will take you a long, long way. I think you dodged a bit of a bullet this round. And, unless you bring out some stronger stuff, not so much from an execution standpoint, but rather the idea standpoint, I fear the voters might abandon you in favor of those who do manage to hit all those notes. So, redouble your efforts and come out swinging with something that will blow everyone away. I know in Round Three it might seem more difficult to pull that off, I think it's still possible. You just have to select a monster that speaks to you, nail the stat-block and rules-fu on it, and then repackage the descriptive text in a way that enhances it that much more. In fact, I'd recommend that you should probably focus on trying to expound on whichever creature you select in a whole new way that smacks of AWESOME and see where that takes you.
Best of luck,
--Neil
Congratulations! Thish was one of the weakest critters for me, but I am glad you made it to the next round.
Visual: 8 Charisma
Creativity: 8 Intelligence
Would I use it: 8 Dex
Overall: 8 Strength
I felt the urus was more of a disease than a critter, but I can understand why the people who liked it did. Wild tundra beasts that stampede and suck the heat out of you is great. Give a fridge to brown mold is also unique. Congratulations and good luck in future rounds.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Since no one posted Urus in this round I think it's pretty safe to post some notes here.
Ultimately my goal here was to create a subtle non-villain that was dangerous and must be removed. I also wanted to create some natural allies for this creature, evil cold creatures seemed a good fit.
The idea of using the brown mold was to simplify the mechanics some, if the creature was to feed on heat why create a whole new mechanics? The mold is something people are familiar with and would instantly understand the effects surrounding it. Seems like some people liked it, some didn't.
Intelligence is... iffy. I am still on the fence on it. The idea of making a few herd members slightly higher intelligence has some appeal. I do think the creature would work fairly well without intelligence, as a sort of accessory to the frost giants but then they would have been less a creature in themselves and more a plot element.
Thanks everyone again for the comments and in particular the support in this round. If I get time and there is interest I'll finish up a stat block for these as I see them now with everyone's input.
Hey Dennis,
I was just checking back here to see if there were any more comments,
but I figured I could re-iterate that this was definitely one of my more favorite monsters, and I think your design sense behind the decisions was very good, even if the concept was apparently too far-out in left field for some people. (it seems a pretty straight-forward application of ecological thinking in a D&D context to me)
I agree making them not particularly intelligent could have worked (that's how I imagined them, since no intelligence was mentioned), but an intelligent hive mind herd is interesting too. I think either INT (if intelligent) or WIS could have been linked to the size of herd encountered: the 'psionic' ability DC's could be tied to INT/WIS, and the type of abilities themselves could change depending on herd size. Monkeying with this means the CR might be different vs. the standard # of creatures calculation, but it also can help FIX where that standard scaling breaks down, by beefing up at the high end, and tapering down at the low end.
I would imagine that encountering individuals or very small numbers (2-3) of Brown Urus would be VERY unusual bar specific circumstances (separated by cracking ice, etc), so I would probably mention that such small groups are usually sick/dying Brown Urus (and sometime they are insane), and indicate what templates to apply and how CR is affected.
Hello Dennis,
Did you ever craft up a Stat Block for these? I've been considering using them in Kingmaker as yet another hazard for the Stolen Lands? Sad you did not advance, but at least you get to participate again next year (!)
Best,
~LD.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Hello Dennis,
Did you ever craft up a Stat Block for these? I've been considering using them in Kingmaker as yet another hazard for the Stolen Lands? Sad you did not advance, but at least you get to participate again next year (!)
Best,
~LD.
Alas no, let me see if I come up with some time.
Okay. Thank you, no worries then.
It's cool seeing the idea still intrigues you :) You have a good grasp of what I was looking for.
At this point I'm not sure where I would take it, it would definitely be altered on implementation some. The idea of having variable INT gets a little messy.
Low INT is probably the way to go, but WIS could possibly scale - after all, there are natural animals with pretty high WIS, and it makes sense for larger hive-minds to be more powerful 'mentally' (even if unintelligent).
How psychic powers (and scaling DCs) are approached depends on whether you want each 'individual' brown urus to manifest powers, or have each 'individual' only take normal physical actions (as directed by hive-mind) and the hive-mind itself has it's own actions re: manifesting powers (since it has no physical actions besides the bison it sits upon/directs). Not much different than other 'controller' monsters, just in this case, the hive-mind doesn't jump off and fight on it's own when the bison die :-). It seems feasible to establish a relationship between total HD of the herd and 'virtual HD' used to determine hivemind abilities, e.g. 4-8 bison HD = 1 "virtual HD" (since there is no additional hit points) of hivemind powers.