Looking for a little feedback on my submission


Society Scenario Submissions


I'm hoping that someone can point out some of the flaws of my submission. I already realize that I went off prompt (I won't make that mistake next time), but any advice would be gladly welcomed. Am I too redundant with my fights? Am I unclear on anything? Thank you, kindly.

1. Title: A Declining Glory

2. Prologue: Half a days march apart, the Taldor Frontier towns of Parr’s Hold and Hirenro have been mining the same silver lode for half a century. Now, the lode is running dry, both cities’ tunnels have dug into each other in a dozen places, and the towns have degenerated into sabotage and violence against one another over the claims to mine the last remaining veins of silver. A recent shouting match turned fistfight turned riot in the mines between the rival miners led to the discovery of a sealed complex of three interconnected rooms. The walls of all three rooms are festooned with painted hieroglyphs that may date back to Ancient Osirion; otherwise the rooms are completely empty. The oddest feature of the complex is that although it is clearly man made, it has no outside door and was surrounded by solid stone so thick it lay undiscovered until over mining and the violent pounding of a riot finally loosed it. The discovery of the ruin has created something new for the towns to quarrel about. Unknown to either town, many of the hieroglyphs are actually imprisoned monsters now returning to life.

3. Summary: The Pathfinder Society dispatches the PCs to speak with Mayor Vosrigio Hiren of Hirenro and Mayor Euphegani Parr of Parr’s Hold in hopes of negotiating permission for the society to study the newfound ruin. On the evening after the first negotiations, the PCs battle a monster attacking a courier from Parr’s Hold. The courier’s information leads the PCs on a frantic chase to stop Vosrigio from releasing more of the ruin’s monsters. The PCs travel through Vosrigio’s puzzle-locked wine cellar to enter the upper reaches of the mine leading to a chase down the ore car tracks to a loading area. This leads to a final confrontation in the newly discovered ruin.

4. Encounter Summary:
Act 1. On the streets of Hirenro, the PCs fight (tier 1-2) a Krenshar (tier 4-5) two Krenshars and three dogs (tier 6-7) a barghest while trying to protect Euphegani and her courier.
Act 2. In Vosrigio’s wine cellar, the PCs must solve a puzzle-lock to open a secret room and solve two more puzzle-locks to enter the upper-most reaches of the mine. Two additional puzzle-locks hide treasure.
Act 3. On a rubble-strewn ledge, the PCs must fight a group of Vosrigio’s Jackelmen as Vosrigio escapes in an ore car down the tracks.
Act 4. While riding the ore cars, the PCs are flanked by additional tracks and ore cars filled with Jackelmen. The PCs must fight with ranged weapons and reach weapons for a predetermined number of rounds. The ore cars provide partial cover.
Act 5. The PCs must stop their ore car or crash into a loading area. In the loading area are more Jackelmen and (tier 1-2) dogs (tier 4-5) dogs and a Krenshar (tier 6-7) Krenshar. Any enemies surviving from Act 4 will join the fight. The car loading area is littered with ore cars, some on tracks and some overturned. The ore cars can be used for cover and the cars on tracks can be pushed into enemies or PCs.
Act 6. In the three-roomed ruin, the PCs face Vosrigio and a powerful monster he has released from the hieroglyphs (tier 1-2) a flind (tier 4-5) a greater barghest (tier 6-7) a lamia. Vosrigio will try to escape while the PCs are fighting. If a PC confronts him, Vosrigio releases a monster from a hieroglyph as a diversion and flees. If more than five rounds pass without a PC pursuing Vosrigio, he escapes into the tunnels.

5. Conclusion: If the PCs are victorious, the Pathfinder Society is granted exclusive permission to study the ruins and the mauling deaths in Parr’s Hold stop. If Vosrigio is captured, he is brought to justice and the town of Parr’s Hold rewards the PCs. If Vosrigio is killed, Euphegani thanks the PCs and counts his death as one of the recent maulings in the area. If Vosrigio escapes he will remember the PCs and the secrets of the hieroglyphs. If the PCs are defeated and Vosrigio lives, he will use the released monsters to dominate the mine and eventually destroy Parr’s Hold. If the PCs are defeated but Vosrigio dies, the monsters will fill the mine and both Parr’s Hold and Hirenro will have to defend themselves when the monsters leave the mine.

RPG Superstar 2012

You have lots of neat encounters here. I really like the visual of the ore car ride and fight.

A couple of issues for me: Encounter 2 could be a game killer, since there is no other way to proceed other than by defeating the puzzle locks. Also, having different monsters for different tiers means extra words taken up by statting them up, although not too much if the monsters are in the Monster Manual. I wasn't sure if the Jackelmen (which I guess you meant to be Jackalmen) were new monsters. If they are, you give up even more space devoted to stat blocks. Of course, I put in a template from the Advanced Bestiary, so I could learn from my own advice.


taig, thanks for the input. I never saw the problem with encounter 2 thanks. As to the Jackalmen(thanks on the spelling)I've always felt there should be a Gnoll like monster with a CR less than one, so they could fill that niche. However, the Jackalmen could just as easily be human warriors lvl 1, so It could go either way for me.

The Exchange RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

Malephant wrote:
I'm hoping that someone can point out some of the flaws of my submission. I already realize that I went off prompt (I won't make that mistake next time), but any advice would be gladly welcomed. Am I too redundant with my fights? Am I unclear on anything? Thank you, kindly.

Good day, Malephant. I'm not an expert by any means, but I can provide my personal reaction.

Malephant wrote:


1. Title: A Declining Glory

2. Prologue: Half a days march apart, the Taldor Frontier towns of Parr’s Hold and Hirenro have been mining the same silver lode for half a century. Now, the lode is running dry, both cities’ tunnels have dug into each other in a dozen places, and the towns have degenerated into sabotage and violence against one another over the claims to mine the last remaining veins of silver. A recent shouting match turned fistfight turned riot in the mines between the rival miners led to the discovery of a sealed complex of three interconnected rooms. The walls of all three rooms are festooned with painted hieroglyphs that may date back to Ancient Osirion; otherwise the rooms are completely empty. The oddest feature of the complex is that although it is clearly man-made, it has no outside door and was surrounded by solid stone so thick it lay undiscovered until over mining and the violent pounding of a riot finally loosed it. The discovery of the ruin has created something new for the towns to quarrel about. Unknown to either town, many of the hieroglyphs are actually imprisoned monsters now returning to life.

First, good job following the guidelines.

Second, lead with your best shot. What do you think is the big sell here? If I were pitching this, I would focus on the mysterious lost chambers. So, I would start with that, in the first sentence and --if possible-- in the first seven words.

Third, there's backstory here that the PCs will probably never see. You have 700 words, don't use so many on something like this.

Fourth,having said that, nice backstory. It feels very natural and leads to many different adventure seeds.

Malephant wrote:
3. Summary: The Pathfinder Society dispatches the PCs to speak with Mayor Vosrigio Hiren of Hirenro and Mayor Euphegani Parr of Parr’s Hold in hopes of negotiating permission for the society to study the newfound ruin. On the evening after the first negotiations, the PCs battle a monster attacking a courier from Parr’s Hold. The courier’s information leads the PCs on a frantic chase to stop Vosrigio from releasing more of the ruin’s monsters. The PCs travel through Vosrigio’s puzzle-locked wine cellar to enter the upper reaches of the mine leading to a chase down the ore car tracks to a loading area. This leads to a final confrontation in the newly discovered ruin.

What you're saying seems solid. (I'll get to a few quibbles below.) But you're saying it with a lot of words that aren't pulling their weight.

"3. Summary: The Pathfinder Society assigns the PCs to gain permission to study the ruins. During negotiations, a monster attacks one of the envoys. ... "

But I compliment you on your skill at avoiding passive voice.

Quibble: How are you going to handle that day of negotiations? That'll be a great opportunity for role-playing, social skills, and skull-duggery. It pretty much has to be an Act all by itself.

Quibble: "courier"? What's a courier doing here; who's he trying to contact? What kind of message?

Malephant wrote:

4. Encounter Summary:

Act 1. On the streets of Hirenro, the PCs fight (tier 1-2) a Krenshar (tier 4-5) two Krenshars and three dogs (tier 6-7) a barghest while trying to protect Euphegani and her courier.
Act 2. In Vosrigio’s wine cellar, the PCs must solve a puzzle-lock to open a secret room and solve two more puzzle-locks to enter the upper-most reaches of the mine. Two additional puzzle-locks hide treasure.
Act 3. On a rubble-strewn ledge, the PCs must fight a group of Vosrigio’s Jackelmen as Vosrigio escapes in an ore car down the tracks.
Act 4. While riding the ore cars, the PCs are flanked by additional tracks and ore cars filled with Jackelmen. The PCs must fight with ranged weapons and reach weapons for a predetermined number of rounds. The ore cars provide partial cover.
Act 5. The PCs must stop their ore car or crash into a loading area. In the loading area are more Jackelmen and (tier 1-2) dogs (tier 4-5) dogs and a Krenshar (tier 6-7) Krenshar. Any enemies surviving from Act 4 will join the fight. The car loading area is littered with ore cars, some on tracks and some overturned. The ore cars can be used for cover and the cars on tracks can be pushed into enemies or PCs.
Act 6. In the three-roomed ruin, the PCs face Vosrigio and a powerful monster he has released from the hieroglyphs (tier 1-2) a flind (tier 4-5) a greater barghest (tier 6-7) a lamia. Vosrigio will try to escape while the PCs are fighting. If a PC confronts him, Vosrigio releases a monster from a hieroglyph as a diversion and flees. If more than five rounds pass without a PC pursuing Vosrigio, he escapes into the tunnels.

I like the tightness of this script. Every challenge flows into the next. Played right, this adventure should read like: "calm, negotiating, calm, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM!"

The big question: What's the courier's message? Does Mayor Hiren already know how to animate the hieroglyphs? If so, what has he been waiting for? If not, how does he find out?

How is he employing a Krenshar? If he wanted to steal the message in Act 1, why not send Jackalmen --who sound like intelligent agents-- rather than an Int 6 creature?

(Oh: "jackalmen": nice touch. For the upper tier, are they were-jackals?)

Act 2: Yours isn't the only encounter I've seen in PFS modules that relies on either (a) the players being good at puzzles, or (b) the PCs making skill rolls . But it's in general a poor idea. To advance the plot, the party needs to get through three of these puzzle-locks.(Bear in mind that the DCs for skill checks do not scale from tier to tier. If you set the DCs so that 7th-Level PCs will find the puzzles challenging, they'll be very difficult for 1st-Level parties, particularly those without a rogue.) If the party fails to make it through these puzzles, the adventure is over.

Oh, how do the puzzle-locks interface with the mid-tier sorcerer casting knock?

How does Act 3 interface with the upper-tier wizard casting spells (black tentacles, solid fog, stone shape) to keep Mayor Hiren from fleeing?

Who takes dogs into a mine? And what's the Krenshar doing there?

In Act 6, does the mayor release a second monster? Can the PCs release a monster, say with a high enough Use Magic Device check?

Malephant wrote:
5. Conclusion: If the PCs are victorious, ... If Vosrigio is captured,... If Vosrigio is killed, ... If Vosrigio escapes he will remember the PCs and the secrets of the hieroglyphs. If the PCs are defeated and Vosrigio lives,.... If the PCs are defeated but Vosrigio dies, ....

Almost none of this is necessary for the four-hour adventure. And, if the mayor escapes, that's still a in for the Pathfinders, right? There's only one party left to negotiate with.

That's what I see.


Thanks Chris, that was very constructive. You've given me a lot to think on and hopefully I'll correct my mistakes. The puzzle locks looked really cool when I thought them up so I never thought they would be a bad move, but I realize now that they were too much of an encounter from an adventure I might run and not a four hour gig. I'll be clearer and more succinct next time. Again, Thanks for the help.

Community / Forums / Archive / Pathfinder / Pathfinder Society Scenario Submissions / Looking for a little feedback on my submission All Messageboards

Want to post a reply? Sign in.
Recent threads in Pathfinder Society Scenario Submissions