Montellan Corey

[Craig Johnston]

Montellan Corey
Male Human Ranger 4/Rogue 6
Description: Montellan is average in almost every sense of the word. Five foot nine, black hair and with nondescript features, he is someone seldom noticed and easily forgotten. He dresses in simple black shoes, black pants, plain white shirt and black vest. On cooler days, he also wears a worn black jacket. His one noteworthy feature is his pale ice blue eyes, which sparkle with an inner chill to match their hue.
To look at him one would never guess that he grew up on a farm outside the city of Carpenden in Andoran, for he carries himself with the air of one accustomed to life within Almas. He is soft spoken, but his speech portrays an intelligence that would see him rise to the top of his chosen profession were he to truly apply himself. Instead, he channels that intellect into darker pursuits.
Motivations/Goals: The thrill of the hunt is his only motivation. He goes about his days locked in the boring drudgery of normalcy, an apprentice bookkeeper by trade. It is at night that he truly comes alive.
He discovered early in life that the only true pleasure he could garner from life was by inflicting pain onto living creatures. He began when he was nine after he found a calf in one of the fields that had been attacked by a wild animal. He sat there for three hours watching it die; only to have new life spring into existence within his heart as the calf’s was extinguished. He would wander for hours at a time around nearby farms, tormenting and torturing animals, occasionally getting carried away and killing them without realizing. The culmination of his youthful journey came just weeks before his eighteenth birthday when, without much thought, he walked into his parents’ bedroom and butchered them while they slept. Their deaths were blamed on local bandits who had been raiding in the area, as after the deed was done he was careful to place the house into disarray and hide a number of valuables.
Selling the farm and pocketing a tidy sum, he bought himself a small townhouse in Almas from which to find himself a job in an attempt to relieve his boredom. It was only a matter of time however before his dark urges would again come to the fore.
Schemes/Plots/Adventure Hooks: He takes life on a day by day basis, plotting his hunts as he goes.
Another body has turned up floating face down in the harbor, with familiar lacerations on its torso and missing a hand. The Watch is called in, but even after a year they are no closer to catching what the populace has dubbed as The Bleeder. Unsure if it is even a man doing the killings and bowing to pressure from on high, the Watch Commanders have put the call out to any adventurers willing to assist them in the capture of the killer.

[Ed Greenwood]

Initial Impression: The “mild-mannered, no-one-will-suspect him” milquetoast by day, sadistic hunter/killer by night. A stock nutcase villain, this one low-level, urban, and fairly socially polished. For me: yawn, I’m afraid.

Concept: A well-worn cliché. We get a proper explanatory back story, but nothing really interesting about Corey as he is right now. His very nondescript, easily-overlooked nature makes him uninteresting until the moment he actually comes into physical conflict with the PCs - - and dooms him into being less than memorable then, even if he escapes and becomes a tireless, energetic foe. We just don’t get given enough here to grab me.

Execution: A few minor grammar glitches, but clear communication. One good point: a physical attribute (the ice blue eyes) that a DM can use in play to give PCs any shred of a chance to identify the killer “by day.” Against that, I have to place the total lack of anything interesting about Montellan Corey except that he’s a sadistic killer. Even if a DM does a lot of work setting up colorful and beloved NPCs and having him butcher his way through the lot of them, upsetting players until they activately hate the unknown killer, Corey will remain a black hole of disinterest when they do start hunting him, unless I as a DM do a lot of work to bring him to life.

Tilt: Malcolm McDowell made the villain in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE come alive for us by the manically-smiling way he portrayed the character. I look in vain for ANYTHING in this entry to engage me with Montellan Corey, to make me interested in using him or to make him interesting for the players when their characters encounter him . . . and it’s not there.

Overall: A disappointment. If I’m being handed a crazy villain, give me something quirky or weird or chilling (beyond just sadism and a good false face hiding it) to make me want to use the villain. Otherwise, like the PCs, I just want him found and dead as quickly as possible, like a rat hiding in your back closet.

Recommendation: Sorry, not recommended for advancement.

[Clark Peterson]

Initial Impression: Blah.

Word Count: 494.

Concept (name, title, is it actually a villain?, overall design choices, playability): C

Execution (quality of writing, hook, theme, organization, use of proper format, quality of mandatory content-physical description, motivation/goal, scheme/plot, presence of any disqualification criteria): C

Tilt (did it grab me?, is it unique and cool?, do I like it?, flavor and setting): C

I cut out my good and bad sections above because every one is the same—this villain is exactly like its description: “average in almost every sense of the word,” “with nondescript features, he is someone seldom noticed and easily forgotten.” This is the generic “hey, you’d never know he’s the killer!” killer.

Overall: C
A submission that has “nondescript features” and is “seldom noticed and easily forgotten.”

Recommendation: I DO NOT recommend this villain submission for advancement.

From the guy who brought us the dazzler. I wish you luck and hope the voters see it differently than I did!

[Sean K Reynolds]

Most serial killers don't seem out of the ordinary, so this guy is a bit of a cliché.

Bad guy? Yes.
Antagonist to the PCs? Only in that they'll be hunting him.
Is proactive against the PCs? Unlikely.
Is he an interesting character? Not really. In fact, the submission goes out of the way to point out how nondescript and uninteresting he is.

So... he's certainly evil, he's just not a particularly good villain for the PCs to deal with. If they made a movie about this guy, it would be no different from any other standard serial-killer-is-the-enemy movie. The challenge would be to make him interesting enough stand out from the crowd of serial killers. Ted Bundy was an "interesting" serial killer because he was charismatic and handsome. David Berkowitz was an interesting serial killer because of the nutty Satanic aspect to his motivation and the "Son of Sam" letter. The killer from Se7en was interesting because of his methods and intent. Hannibal Lechter is interesting because he's a genius and cultured. Norman Bates is interesting because of his fixation with his mother. Whereas Montellan is... anonymous.

Rec: do not advance.

[Wolfgang Baur]

There's a reason that lone serial killer make poor D&D villains. They have few social skills, and thus no minions, lackeys, or henchman. And a good villain in Pathfinder really needs to work in an adventure.

Can this work as an adventure? Sure, as a mystery it's fine, if a bit bland (we've seen this story before). But for heroic adventure? It just won't work, because after the clues are solved, there's really only one combat encounter.

This just doesn't work with the heroic adventuring model of pulp sword-and-sorcery gaming that defines the setting. It's a one-shot, and that's not enough.

Recommendation Not recommended.

[Nicholas Herold]

Yeah, this is just plain average.

[bitplayr]

While the story may have been seen before, that doesn't mean it can't work. Interspersing this villain through a larger story would add a level of interest if done properly. This becomes an urban character hunt, allowing for non-combat skills and PC's to work the scenes and do the research.

In the end, it will be one or two combat encounters, but some time and energy put into the story can keep the rest of the campaign from being dull.

[Corrosive Rabbit]

For me, the hinge here is that there's no indication that Montellan Corey is going to personally affect the characters any more than the tribe of goblins that is raiding caravans on the road out of town. Both entities are objectives that the PCs are enlisted to stop. The basic concept is sound, but I think Montellan Corey would need a lot more added to him before he represented more than a Track check and a combat encounter to the PCs.

CR

[Steven Helt]

If you're going to give me a villain, give me one with staying power. A low-level serial killer is an adventure, at most one adventure with lots of backdrop - hearing about "The Bleeder" terrorizing nearby cities for a few months before the PCs take up the cause. At which point they cast a few divination spells, patrol the streets with invisibility, and then murdify him in one brief encounter.

If you're going to give me a serial killer, I want a horrifying ethos. Something that sets him apart. TV has serial killers on every night. We remember a few - the Blue Paint Killer or the Miniature Killer from CSI. The split personality preacher/son killer from Criminal Minds. I still remember Solgad Lawshredder from Planescape (awful name, great adventure). And then there's Dexter. You can remember each of those by their methods or personality or ethos.

All Citizen and no X makes for a very poor villain. I am starting to wonder who is going to step up and show they understand what a villain is.

[Winterwalker]

flash_cxxi wrote:

Montellan Corey

Male Human Ranger 4/Rogue 6
Description: Montellan is average in almost every sense of the word.

This is all that should have been submitted, I remember nothing more, nor feel I needed too.

[Craig Johnston]

Interesting comments and I actually agree with some of them.

Doesn't that pique your interest though and make you want to see how a Vanilla Villain (I love that) can be interesting.

C'mon vote for him, you know ya wanna see more.

[Zombieneighbours]

I was left with the vague impression that Craig watchs a lot of Dexter. It is a time worn concept and a little over used. Not bad but not special either.

Now to come to my real problem with the entry how is 'an apprentice bookkeeper' classed as Ranger 4/Rogue 6. If this entry has had the guts to accept that statistically it could been accurately potrayed with a 3rd level expert, it might have considered it. Even with years of killing under its belt, a 10th level pure PC class character seems entirely inappropreate.

[Golarion Midwife]

Yeah, pretty much the whole desc could have been summed up in 2 or 3 lines, which doesn't grab me very much. It's more like, "Oh, that guy. Ok." Also - why was he dubbed The Bleeder? That name seems to imply something so much more interesting about him, that simply isn't mentioned in the rest of the text. Or if it is, my eyes scanned right over it after the lackluster start...

[Reckless]

Reckless Ratings

Concept4
(Is this villain villainous?)
Content3
(Grammar, Format,Spelling, Etc.)
Coolness1
(Would my players be impressed by this? Am I?)
Credibility2
(Does the villain’s motives make sense?)
Clarity3
(How good a sense of how to stat this villain do we get?)

Scores out of 5 and completely based on my opinion only.
Total Score13

[Heaven's Agent]

A "Vanilla Villain" can be interesting, but he has got to have other flavors hidden beneath the surface. Corey is Vanilla through and through.

[Sue Flaherty]

Evil and nasty, yes ... but how is he going to hinder or interact with the PCs? Not even the twist of him being the dude that highers the PCs to find the killer, so is toying with 'em.

Sorry, not a villain, just a nasty.

[deadly_puddingcup]

Everything about this character is what you hear of as the classic profile of a serial killer. I don't see how this character is any different than a filler quest that most GMs have thrown in there story at some point.

This character would make a good henchman but not a major villain.

[Patrick Curtin]

I actually like Montellan in that he is camouflaged by the urban setting. Most serial killers ARE nondescript, that's how they are serial killers, not one-off killers. In a particular style of game (heavily urban, investigative focused) he could work very well.

The only flaw I can see is the bookeeper day job. You really need a hook to have him interact with the party at least in some fashion. Maybe as a low-level preist at a local temple or a barkeep at a local tavern. Someone the players know, but who has a dark side.

[Maurice de Mare]

Does it grab me? No
Can I use it? No

End result: no vote from me

[Russ Taylor]

A serial killer can be done well - The Skinsaw Murders is an example. This villain is not bad, he just...is. In terms of monsters, this is the 1 HD orc that's forgotten once your axe has cleaved him in twain. There's nothing wrong with an orc, but in RPG Superstar, the entry should shine rather than just be.

Take heart at the flipside of the criticisms here - you've done half the job right, by not making glaring mistakes. Shine up what makes your NPCs interesting, and you'll be on your way to dazzling.

[Craig Johnston]

Russ Taylor wrote:

Shine up what makes your NPCs interesting, and you'll be on your way to dazzling.

LOL

[Montalve]

I as a fan of Ravenloft could see Montellon in an adventure, it is more about dicovering that actual confrontation...

but I must agree with with the judges... he is bland, i will read others and then decide... je and I do like the idea of serial killers... you should have put the title the people in Almas give him besides the name.

[Gark the Goblin]

Perhaps you could leave red herrings at the scene of the crimes, then see if the PCs will go after the evil (but not the killer) guy. This reminds me a bit of Uri Kurlianchik's adventure in Dungeon #129, "Murder in Oakbridge". If you manage to have the PCs kill off someone other than the actual killer, then it would probably motivate them enough to seek out the murderer and extract total vengeance against him (turning a bit evil makes for good roleplaying). Sorry, Craig, but we need more info on how this guy thinks. (Is his style just bleeding? 'Cause I didn't see any notes on bleeding besides his nickname, "The Bleeder".)
Give him a bit more detail and he'd be worth my vote. He shouldn't be a bookkeeper; he should be a sheriff that pointed the PCs towards someone who wasn't actually the killer, or the guy who passes along a rumor that it's some monster (e.g. one of those trolls that uses its intestines to see the future). Ya gotta make the players have some emotion about him, or he just fades away (and 10th-level? Please, this villain is not worth all that time building up to 10th level. Make him an expert or a ranger, but not more than fourth-level. He enjoys torturing the weak, not those that will give him a lot of xp.).
If the PCs had the choice to pick their plot hooks, they'd go for an old-style enchanted ruin or aristocratic vampire, not a villain who won't give any kind of meaningful reward. This villain needs a tilt and a sizable cash sum for his death.
(Feel free to incorporate any of this into the villain concept, because it'd be cool to know someone who got past round two/three [I really haven't been paying attention to the RPG Superstar, have I?].)

[KnightErrantJR]

George Lucas got rid of a line in The Empire Strikes Back where Leia said she was bored when she was waiting in the asteroid belt in the Falcon. His reasoning was that once the word "bored" was introduced, the word seeps into the watcher's perception whenever the action slows down.

I think that the entry really goes too far trying to point out how ordinary this guy seems, all the time, except when he kills. So ordinary is what sinks into everyone's perception of the guy.

[Charles Evans 25]

Montellan Corey strikes me as being evil, and a 'human monster' but not a villain.
Or not in the absence of pertinent details to make him distinctive.
The opening description set the entry up well, I thought, but it then failed to explode into something capable of blowing me away with awesomeness.
I'm only seeing half an entry here, which is sad, given the good groundwork which was laid.

Will this villain cause the PCs grief?
Unlikely. They'll hunt him down and turn his head in for the bounty before heading on to the next assignment.

[Joel Flank]

This reads like one of the many real life crime shows about serial killers that my wife loves (and I'm bored by.) Aside from being more of a single short adventure or encounter, the biggest problem I have with this villain is that he doesn't really have any goals, plots, or hooks. A villain should have a plan to do something, and something bad that will change things for the worse for an entire area, not just his immediate victims. I want a villain that will take over a town, kingdom, or world. I want a villain that will open the gates of hell. I want a villain that will try to crush do-gooders, not just the next random joe who's out too late at night. When I first read the description, I thought you were going to go with a Kraven the Hunter vibe, where he hunted the most dangerous prey - adventurers (since I don't see Spiderman as a likely target in D&D.) That would have been a bit cliche, but at least something worthy of being a villain.

[Ernest Mueller]

2/10

A generic serial killer. I've never seen one of *those* before.

[Jason Nelson]

Simple, direct, to the point, cleanly done... but no real spark unfortunately. Just a mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet by day, murderous bad guy by night. You could work hard enough as a DM to make the PCs care about this guy, but then the showdown fight would be over and they'd move on to the next dungeon and probably never remember him again.

[Jorrik the Fat]

Just another psycho killer, with nothing interesting about him to be worth a precious vote. Not that you couldn't use him in a scenario, sure, but he's not likely to be memorable, and he's just your regular opponent, not a true villain.

[JaredSmith113]

Some posters already harped on a few of these points, but they struck me as well.

Ed Greenwood called Corey low-level, yet at 10th he's on his way to being pretty powerful. If that wasn't an over-powering mistake on your part, then there's a lot of interesting backstory you could flesh out about how he got to this point. You hint at it a lot, with his strange mutilations to his prey, but the Watch has only been after him a YEAR? If he's going out every night, he must have been doing this a lot longer. Perhaps it would have been better if he was moving from city to city as his crime scenes got too hot for him, leading to a rash of terrified citizens in a string of cities who wouldn't go out at night. Either way, you could build up adventure hooks if he preys on a particular people (such as the poor, foreigners, humanoids, etc.) that would allow that less-protected group to report the murders to the PCs rather than have the watch already after him.

Also, if he is the Bleeder, that only refers to his tactics of slicing people up before he kills them? As a ranger/rogue, it might be more interesting if he just mutilated people on the hunt, but let them escape from time to time. (Wouldn't that make the next night's hunt of the same person more challenging - and more scary to the victim?) He certainly could conceal his identity pretty well. Also, he's slicing people up - what is he using? Does he have a particular murder weapon? And are the missing hand from the guy in the harbor a typical calling card? Or is he evolving?

On the mental level, couple of interesting bits you threw in: his "dark urges" and him killing his parents "without much thought." Either of these could be played up a bit, or combined in some interesting ways. IS he fully under control when he does this? He's seems like a very methodical killer/hunter, but is it due to the enjoyment he got from watching the calf die, or a separate dark urge sending him out to murder? Slightly different motivations. And does killing his parents without thought just mean his emotional detachment, or does he space out during the actual act of killing? Heck, does he even REMEMBER all his killings? Plus he killed them in his sleep. I think you should have played up more of his tactics: does he stalk from the rooftops, only killing helpless people sleeping after breaking in, what?

Finally, interesting about being a bookkeeper. Does he have friends there? Do they suspect him? Does anyone? His boredom at life, he fills by taking a bookkeeping job? Not as a cover story to his murders, but because he's bored? That job doesn't seem to fit his personality, or at least the reason you gave for him taking it. Is there anything else you could play up about that role? Does he pick his prey from customers? Or is it still just a boring daytime job for him? (Or, is he truly passionate about it, and the dark urges something he's battling each night?) If it's boring, why don't you give him a more interesting one, or a series of rotating jobs. The classic clue set up of "Wait, now all the murders are of nobility and Corey just started working as a butler! He was a bookkeeper when all the merchants got murdered!"

[Charles Evans 25]

Montalve wrote:

I as a fan of Ravenloft could see Montellon in an adventure, it is more about dicovering that actual confrontation...

but I must agree with with the judges... he is bland, i will read others and then decide... je and I do like the idea of serial killers... you should have put the title the people in Almas give him besides the name.

In Ravenloft, Montellan Corey wouldn't just just be killing victims, but would be raiding their graves after they had been buried to build himself flesh golems. It would be an ego-trip thing: "I am Montellan Corey, I have it within my power to sadistically take life from anyone whom I choose, and the intellect to give it back again to an assortment of their misshapen pieces."

At some point he would have come across either a journal of Victor Mordenheim or Van Richten's Guide to the Created.
However you don't need to be a spellcaster to build a golem in Ravenloft....

[Charles Evans 25]

Not much surprise, alas, but commiserations that you did not advance further.

[Patrick Curtin]

Sorry Flash! I was pulling for you. :(