Comments on PFS #21 proposal


Society Scenario Submissions

Grand Lodge

Myself and my prospective co-author would be very glad of any critique of our unsuccessful pitch for #21:

Spoiler:

The Eternal Obelisk

Introduction
In the foothills of the Zho, a long-forgotten ruined settlement harbors a cult of Rovagug. At the centre of the ruins still stands the Eternal Obelisk, a sentinel of Sarenrae's light against the encroachment of a foul, gray slime: a living weapon of aboleth origin that has afflicted the cult's medusa leader to require frequent immersion in cool, fresh water.
The werehyena cultists raid Sedeqi caravans destined for Gurat. They emerge from the sands, howling and cackling as they slaughter the guards and merchants, and carry their plunder off to their lair.
In a recent attack, an experienced guard feigned death and escaped notice. Determined to avenge his comrades deaths, he tracked his assailants until he saw that they led toward a bright light in a distant valley, burning like a grounded star. Satisfied that he could retrace the route, he returned to the riverhead encampment and told his tale. Word has reached the Pathfinder Society and a party is to be sent from Sedeq to investigate the light.

Summary
Guided by the surviving guard, the PCs travel to the riverhead in the Zho mountains, a large merchant camp and staging point for the trade route to Gurat. At the camp, they get into a fight with an evil slave master.
The PCs then travel by camel into the Zho foothills. They are attacked by a gang of dust mephits when they must take cover from a sandstorm.
Finally, the PCs find the light and reach the ruins. A tall obelisk with a burning star at its point stands atop a subterranean complex of unclear purpose at its centre. Here they must defeat the werehyena bandits before entering the shrine of Rovagug beneath the obelisk. In a series of well chambers, they face a werehyena priest, the waterbound medusa, and the gray slime.

Encounters
Qadiran slave-trader

Roarkati, an arrogant and cruel sorcerer and slave-trader, takes an instant dislike to the PCs. His attempts to intimidate and embarrass them inevitably lead to a confrontation with him and his brutal thugs and skeletal guards.

Sandstorm and dust mephits
On the southern trade route, the PCs must locate shelter from a sudden sandstorm or face a much more difficult fight with an aggressive gang of dust mephits.

Bandits and hyenas
In the ruins of the forgotten settlement, the werehyena bandits and their hyena followers watch over captured slaves and loot.

Werehyena priest
Around the obelisk is a complex of cool, dark underground well chambers, turned into a shrine to Rovagug by a werehyena priest. The first well has been corrupted into a pit of filth.

Waterbound medusa
Blinded male slaves are kept in the second well chamber for breeding with the waterbound medusa whose attempts to reproduce non-afflicted offspring are failing. Her well chamber is littered with her broken egg shells and the petrified remains of the human foetuses they contained, as she has not succeeded in breeding a young medusa.

Sentient gray slime
Beyond the well rooms, closed off by makeshift walls of bones and compacted filth, is the Chamber of the Sun. The obelisk has a capstone of crystal which stores and channels the light of the sun and bathes the chamber below in constant sunlight. One day of exposure to the sun provides the crystal with enough energy to illuminate the chamber for one year. Beyond the Chamber of the Sun is a final well room that is infected with the grey slime. The Chamber of the Sun was built to prevent the slime from emerging into the complex as it is destroyed by sunlight. The chamber the slime inhabits is veiled with illusions as a treasure chamber of fabulous jewellery, art objects and other valuables that could have been collected by the bandits over time, luring victims to the slime's dire transformation.

Conclusion
Ending Roarkati's extortionate demands and mistreatment of slaves in caravans that must use the staging encampment brings the party the gratitude of Sedeq and Gurat's traders, redoubled if they also end the bandit attacks.

If the Pathfinders destroyed the cult priest, the medusa, and the pit shrine of Rovagug, the Chamber of the Sun grants remove disease, one time, to each character who enters with an affliction that the spell can cure.

If the characters fail, the followers of Rovagug eventually manage to break or block out the crystal capstone. They soon succumb to the slime, raiding a greatly restricted range but dragging their unfortunate victims back to the slime's transformation.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4

Hi Starglim. I have some comments for you on this entry. I hope you find them helpful.

Starglim wrote:

In the foothills of the Zho, a long-forgotten ruined settlement harbors a cult of Rovagug. At the centre of the ruins still stands the Eternal Obelisk, a sentinel of Sarenrae's light against the encroachment of a foul, gray slime: a living weapon of aboleth origin that has afflicted the cult's medusa leader to require frequent immersion in cool, fresh water.

The werehyena cultists raid Sedeqi caravans destined for Gurat. They emerge from the sands, howling and cackling as they slaughter the guards and merchants, and carry their plunder off to their lair.

- Here you mention killing all the guards and merchants for their plunder. Later you mention that the medusa is embarking on some kind of breeding program. You need to choose what the cultists are actually doing out here and make that clear. Also, a cult of Rovagug (utter destruction) is unlikely to be interested in breeding anything. Breeding monsters is more of a Lamashtu thing.

Starglim wrote:
In a recent attack, an experienced guard feigned death and escaped notice. Determined to avenge his comrades deaths, he tracked his assailants until he saw that they led toward a bright light in a distant valley, burning like a grounded star. Satisfied that he could retrace the route, he returned to the riverhead encampment and told his tale. Word has reached the Pathfinder Society and a party is to be sent from Sedeq to investigate the light.

- it's not impossible, just unlikely that a guard who feigns death while his caravan is slaughtered would be someone who then tracks his assailants to their home for revenge. It's more likely he was knocked unconscious and left for dead. Pathfinders being sent to investigate a strange light in the desert is a good hook and fits with the theme of the PF Society.

Starglim wrote:

Qadiran slave-trader

Roarkati, an arrogant and cruel sorcerer and slave-trader, takes an instant dislike to the PCs. His attempts to intimidate and embarrass them inevitably lead to a confrontation with him and his brutal thugs and skeletal guards.

- This seems a bit underdeveloped. What is this guy's deal? Why would he go out of his way to be antagonistic? Is he part of the cult? This relationship is unclear.

Starglim wrote:

Sandstorm and dust mephits

On the southern trade route, the PCs must locate shelter from a sudden sandstorm or face a much more difficult fight with an aggressive gang of dust mephits.

- This is just an observation, not a critique, but we've already seen a Camel Caravan/Sandstorm/Monster Attack in an earlier adventure this season.

Starglim wrote:

Waterbound medusa

Blinded male slaves are kept in the second well chamber for breeding with the waterbound medusa whose attempts to reproduce non-afflicted offspring are failing. Her well chamber is littered with her broken egg shells and the petrified remains of the human foetuses they contained, as she has not succeeded in breeding a young medusa.

- I personally don't have a specific issue with your description here, but I am somewhat certain it crosses a line of acceptable content. Petrified human foetuses are a pretty awful, grim, adult-themed image. That may have a place in some Paizo products but maybe not in these scenarios. I could be wrong. Anyway this gets back to my comment above about a follower of Rovagug embarking on any kind of breeding operation. That's Lamashtu's domain. A follower of Rovagug who was being eaten alive by a slimy curse might see it as a sign that she is to inflict this curse upon as many people as possible before her own death.

Starglim wrote:

Sentient gray slime

Beyond the well rooms, closed off by makeshift walls of bones and compacted filth, is the Chamber of the Sun. The obelisk has a capstone of crystal which stores and channels the light of the sun and bathes the chamber below in constant sunlight. One day of exposure to the sun provides the crystal with enough energy to illuminate the chamber for one year. Beyond the Chamber of the Sun is a final well room that is infected with the grey slime. The Chamber of the Sun was built to prevent the slime from emerging into the complex as it is destroyed by sunlight. The chamber the slime inhabits is veiled with illusions as a treasure chamber of fabulous jewellery, art objects and other valuables that could have been collected by the bandits over time, luring victims to the slime's dire transformation.

- Living Aboleth slime vs. blazing monument to Sarenrae is awesome. Great imagery. I want to know what the slime is capable of. Whether it is part of the hostile environment or a creature that attacks the PC's. How exactly does this encounter play out? I also want to know why priests of destruction haven't toppled the monument to let this living slime out. I want to know why the medusa hasn't used the monument to cure her slime curse.

Starglim wrote:

Conclusion

Ending Roarkati's extortionate demands and mistreatment of slaves in caravans that must use the staging encampment brings the party the gratitude of Sedeq and Gurat's traders, redoubled if they also end the bandit attacks.

If the Pathfinders destroyed the cult priest, the medusa, and the pit shrine of Rovagug, the Chamber of the Sun grants remove disease, one time, to each character who enters with an affliction that the spell can cure.

If the characters fail, the followers of Rovagug eventually manage to break or block out the crystal capstone. They soon succumb to the slime, raiding a greatly restricted range but dragging their unfortunate victims back to the slime's transformation.

- My basic critique of your submission here is that I don't fully understand the antagonists and their motivations. Their relationships to each other are unclear. I can't visualize some of the encounters; the environments, number of opponents, capabilities, etc. are not clearly stated enough for me to see how this would play out on the table.

Good luck with your future proposals.

-eric

Liberty's Edge

First, let me say that I love the idea of a contaminating slime as a biological weapon.

Still I have several comments in addition to those of the previous poster.

1) Concerning the revenge-driven soldier, why would he wait for the Pathfinders and guide them to the ruins rather than hire a few mercenaries and exterminate the cultists by himself ? What becomes of his vengeance after he guides the PCs there ? Did he get an oath from them to kill the cultists ? Will he take part in the fight ?

2) Concerning the Roarkati encounter, are "skeletal guards" undead ? If so how come they are tolerated in the encampment ? Also, I seem to remember that PFS wanted less undead in their scenarii and here there would be undead used while not absolutely required by the story.
Also the end of the text mentions that Roarkati makes extortionate demands on other caravans and mistreat their slaves (ie, not only his), but this does not appear in the description of his encounter with the PCs. And once again, how come this would be tolerated in the encampment ? Is Roarkati too powerful to be ousted by the other merchants ? If so, how can the PCs take care of him without risking his retaliation, or that of his associates ?

Basically, introducing the Roarkati plotline makes the scenario needlessly complicated, which is IMO something to be avoided for 4-hour sessions.

3) Concerning the ruins, petrified foetuses is definitely too gruesome for convention-play. It also runs counter to PFS' policy of no more hurting children in scenarii.

How come there are illusions in the chamber of the slime ? Does it produce them by itself ? Why are there no warnings placed anywhere by the builders of Sarenrae's obelisk ? Why did they leave the slime unguarded and why did they not destroy it right away ? After all, putting sunlight in the slime's room is not that difficult (spells, mirrors, collapsing the chamber's roof ...).

In fact, having sunlight being deadly to the slime is far too strong for the story to hold. Sensitive to or afraid of sunlight might be ok though.

As a final note, why would the cultists want to release the slime (and be contaminated by it) if their Medusa leader fights against its contamination ? And what is the Medusa's relationship with the werehyena priest of Rovagug ? Also, why and how was the Medusa contaminated ? What value does it add to the story that she was contaminated ?

In short, too many characters and not enough characterization :-)

PS : blame it on my addiction to comics, but the bad guy being contaminated by an evil biological weapon instantly reminded me of Darth Krayt in the Star Wars Legacy comics by Dark Horse.

Grand Lodge

Thanks, much appreciated! Just a brief response to one point:

raidou wrote:
I also want to know why priests of destruction haven't toppled the monument to let this living slime out. I want to know why the medusa hasn't used the monument to cure her slime curse.

They're not stonemasons and the obelisk is more than mundanely resistant to damage, but they're trying and will find a way if not dealt with soon.

The monument would not cure the medusa's slime curse. It can cure an early stage (see the aboleth ability for details) for the players in the Conclusion if they gain the gratitude and favour of Sarenrae. The medusa certainly won't be getting the favour of Sarenrae and is too far gone to benefit from it.

Grand Lodge

The black raven wrote:
1) Concerning the revenge-driven soldier, why would he wait for the Pathfinders and guide them to the ruins rather than hire a few mercenaries and exterminate the cultists by himself ?

He's a caravan guard who's just been robbed of all his possessions, not a wealthy merchant. Getting someone like the Pathfinder Society involved is as close to hiring a band of mercenaries as he can get.

The black raven wrote:
What becomes of his vengeance after he guides the PCs there ? Did he get an oath from them to kill the cultists ? Will he take part in the fight ?

Good questions. Very likely yes to both, if he can.

The black raven wrote:

2) Concerning the Roarkati encounter, are "skeletal guards" undead ? If so how come they are tolerated in the encampment ? Also, I seem to remember that PFS wanted less undead in their scenarii and here there would be undead used while not absolutely required by the story.

Also the end of the text mentions that Roarkati makes extortionate demands on other caravans and mistreat their slaves (ie, not only his), but this does not appear in the description of his encounter with the PCs. And once again, how come this would be tolerated in the encampment ? Is Roarkati too powerful to be ousted by the other merchants ? If so, how can the PCs take care of him without risking his retaliation, or that of his associates ?

Roarkati dominates the river-head encampment by his sorcerous powers, undead servants and hirelings and can do what he pleases. He uses this position to demand large payments from other caravans using the trade route. If the PCs kill him, his thugs will flee and none of the merchants around will mourn for him or retaliate. (If they don't kill him, they certainly should be worried for their future.) His extortion and cruelty are not germane to the encounter with the PCs, who are neither slaves nor merchants.

Fair point on the undead, though I think the encounter would lose something by making them constructs. Some sort of low-level outsiders might work.

The black raven wrote:
3) Concerning the ruins, petrified foetuses is definitely too gruesome for convention-play. It also runs counter to PFS' policy of no more hurting children in scenarii.

To be honest, I thought the breeding ritual was more disturbing than a few dead monster spawn. Is this a new version of the Hollywood content standard? Mutilation and rape are OK, as long as we don't see any dead hatchlings?

The black raven wrote:
How come there are illusions in the chamber of the slime ? Does it produce them by itself ? Why are there no warnings placed anywhere by the builders of Sarenrae's obelisk ? Why did they leave the slime unguarded and why did they not destroy it right away ? After all, putting sunlight in the slime's room is not that difficult (spells, mirrors, collapsing the chamber's roof ...).

The slime produces the illusions. Its only abilities are infection, illusions and very slow movement (hours or days to cross the sun chamber).

The slime that gets to the sun chamber is only an outflow from a mass buried deep in the rock that was there long before the priests of Sarenrae or their settlement. They couldn't reach it or destroy it and used all the power and knowledge they had to build the obelisk to prevent its dangerous effusions from escaping. They certainly did guard it (by building the obelisk) and carved severe warnings on the obelisk's surface, which unfortunately have worn down until the last vestiges were defaced by the cultists.

There was no reason to place warnings in the sun chamber, as nobody was supposed to go anywhere near it (as they would know from the warnings on the obelisk).

Dark Archive

Starglim wrote:


Introduction
In the foothills of the Zho, a long-forgotten ruined settlement harbors a cult of Rovagug. At the centre of the ruins still stands the Eternal Obelisk, a sentinel of Sarenrae's light against the encroachment of a foul, gray slime: a living weapon of aboleth origin that has afflicted the cult's medusa leader to require frequent immersion in cool, fresh water.
The werehyena cultists raid Sedeqi caravans destined for Gurat. They emerge from the sands, howling and cackling as they slaughter the guards and merchants, and carry their plunder off to their lair.

The introduction could be more clear. I'm not certain what the cult's goals are nor the nature of the slime. How does the werehyena's plundering of caravans advance their goals? (Which I'm assuming is the release of the slime)

I like the concept of the slime itself, a living weapon, biological warfare stuff like that. I would have suggested making the slime and its nature centre and focus in the introduction. If its your core idea than sell it as much as possible right out of the gate. Additionally, jazzing it up a bit more by making it sentient or more of an immediate threat would help.
Starglim wrote:


In a recent attack, an experienced guard feigned death and escaped notice. Determined to avenge his comrades deaths, he tracked his assailants until he saw that they led toward a bright light in a distant valley, burning like a grounded star. Satisfied that he could retrace the route, he returned to the riverhead encampment and told his tale. Word has reached the Pathfinder Society and a party is to be sent from Sedeq to investigate the light.

Its reasonable hook but a little long on the explanation (and word count). I would suggest a simpler and more brief way in.

Starglim wrote:


Encounters
Qadiran slave-trader
Roarkati, an arrogant and cruel sorcerer and slave-trader, takes an instant dislike to the PCs. His attempts to intimidate and embarrass them inevitably lead to a confrontation with him and his brutal thugs and skeletal guards.

Sandstorm and dust mephits
On the southern trade route, the PCs must locate shelter from a sudden sandstorm or face a much more difficult fight with an aggressive gang of dust mephits.

The main problem with your first two encounters is they do not seem necessary to your plot. Judging from previous critiques and comments posted in these boards encounters that do not somehow advance the plot are to be avoided. The scenarios really push for a taut pace.

Starglim wrote:


Bandits and hyenas
In the ruins of the forgotten settlement, the werehyena bandits and their hyena followers watch over captured slaves and loot.

While this encounter has more ties to the plot there is little to go on. How many bandits, levels? Also aside from defeating the guards does rescuing the slaves, loot provide any further development to the plot.

Starglim wrote:


Werehyena priest
Around the obelisk is a complex of cool, dark underground well chambers, turned into a shrine to Rovagug by a werehyena priest. The first well has been corrupted into a pit of filth.

You have a good setup with the environment but no description of the hazards or what the priest (what level?) is up to. An encounter where the party is dealing not only with an enraged high priest but also balancing on crumbling stoneworks while the corrupted slime bubbling up from vats sounds like fun.

Starglim wrote:


Waterbound medusa
Blinded male slaves are kept in the second well chamber for breeding with the waterbound medusa whose attempts to reproduce non-afflicted offspring are failing. Her well chamber is littered with her broken egg shells and the petrified remains of the human foetuses they contained, as she has not succeeded in breeding a young medusa.

As other posters mentioned this is almost certainly beyond the pale for content. As per the encounter itself what does the Medusa do, react. What levels does the Medusa possess. Generally suggest for a big monster villain to craft something unique rather than out of the MM

Starglim wrote:


Sentient gray slime
Beyond the well rooms, closed off by makeshift walls of bones and compacted filth, is the Chamber of the Sun. The obelisk has a capstone of crystal which stores and channels the light of the sun and bathes the chamber below in constant sunlight. One day of exposure to the sun provides the crystal with enough energy to illuminate the chamber for one year. Beyond the Chamber of the Sun is a final well room that is infected with the grey slime. The Chamber of the Sun was built to prevent the slime from emerging into the complex as it is destroyed by sunlight. The chamber the slime inhabits is veiled with illusions as a treasure chamber of fabulous jewellery, art objects and other valuables that could have been collected by the bandits over time, luring victims to the slime's dire transformation.

The first comment here is this is your sixth encounter. The scenarios are structured around five acts. I would have put the medusa and the slime together in one act. Secondly, I don't see what exactly is at stake here or rather it isn't immediate. If the Medusa was on the verge of releasing this bubbling horror from its prison that might give a little more gas to the final battle.

Overall it was an enjoyable read. I really dig the living slime, disease concept but felt it needed more of a story and dramatic stakes. Also somethings didn't seem to jive with the scenario structure. Best of luck in future submissions.

RPG Superstar 2012

Here goes. I hope some of my comments are helpful:

Spoiler:

Starglim wrote:

Introduction

In the foothills of the Zho, a long-forgotten ruined settlement harbors a cult of Rovagug. At the centre of the ruins still stands the Eternal Obelisk, a sentinel of Sarenrae's light against the encroachment of a foul, gray slime: a living weapon of aboleth origin that has afflicted the cult's medusa leader to require frequent immersion in cool, fresh water.

I really like the idea of the living slime. I have questions that are not answered in the proposal: What is the purpose of the slime? Is it a remote way for the aboleths to "convert" slaves? Also, how did the slime get into a desert area?

I also found the last sentence (after the colon) awkward to read.

Starglim wrote:
The werehyena cultists raid Sedeqi caravans destined for Gurat. They emerge from the sands, howling and cackling as they slaughter the guards and merchants, and carry their plunder off to their lair.

I love this! Very evocative.

Starglim wrote:
They are attacked by a gang of dust mephits when they must take cover from a sandstorm.

Passive voice. "A gang of dust mephits attack them when they must take cover..."

Starglim wrote:
Finally, the PCs find the light and reach the ruins.

I'm confused by how bright the light is. As a "grounded star" I can't imagine why the PCs need to find the light.

Starglim wrote:
Qadiran slave-trader

This doesn't fit with the theme of the adventure. Since you have six encounters instead of five, you could easily remove this.

Starglim wrote:
Sandstorm and dust mephits

I like the either/or aspect of this encounter. Dust mephits? Way too overdone. :-)

Starglim wrote:
Waterbound medusa

This encounter is a little "oogy" for me. A little too close to the line. All the same, it evokes a strong reaction.

First sentence has passive voice: "The cult keeps blinded male slaves in the second..."

Starglim wrote:
Sentient gray slime

The description is confusing. Why would the rest of the temple be completely closed off from the sun?

I like how the slime creates an illusion to confuse the party and get the drop on them.

Starglim wrote:
Conclusion

It seems that all that needs to be done is to remove the slime to get the Chamber of the Sun to cast remove curse. All the other stuff is implicit and doesn't need to be stated.

Additionally, it would have been nice to see a benefit for the Pathfinder Society in the conclusion.

In conclusion, I enjoyed reading your scenario. Remove some of the passive voice and clean up some of the confusing sentences, and you've got something good here. I wish you luck on future submissions!

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