Quotes Thread


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Freehold DM wrote:
David M Mallon wrote:

“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”

- attributed to "actress" Tara Reid
what? She is an actress.

I was under the impression that being an actress required some level of acting, rather than just standing in front of a camera and awkwardly saying sentences.

By that logic, I'm an actor because of that one time I accidentally walked in front of the camera back when I worked at the TV station. Where's my SAG card? Tommy Wiseau has one, so obviously they hand them out like candy.


"I, of course, enjoyed the 1998 Matthew Broderick Godzilla until I was old enough to realize how terrible it is."
- Chris Stuckmann

One of the most accurate things I've ever heard said by a film critic. He and I are reasonably close in age, and I thought that this movie was the best thing ever when it first came out. Then, I didn't see it for a period of several years, and the next time I watched it, I had that great "what the hell were you thinking?" moment. I had a very similar experience with Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace


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"I have a growing lack of disgust for you."
- The Arishok (Rick Wasserman), Dragon Age II (2011)


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The sports star dumb (and occasionally profound) quote supercut:

"We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- basketball player Jason Kidd, after being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks in 2003

"My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and headed in the right direction."
- basketball player Tracy McGrady (What is it with basketball players and geometry?)

"I guess I'm gonna fade into a Bolivian."
- boxer Mike Tyson, after his loss to Lennox Lewis in 2002

"Nobody in football should be called a genius-- a genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- American football player Joe Theismann

“My game is like the Pythagorean theorem: There is no answer.”
- basketball player Shaquille "Shaq" O'Neal

"I've won at every level except college and pro."
- Shaq again, early in his career

“They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.”
- baseball player Tito Fuentes, after being hit by a pitch

"We didn't underestimate them, they were just a lot better than we thought."
- British footballer and manager Bobby Robson

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- American football coach Bill Peterson

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
- basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

"[Tim Duncan] is one of the best power forwards of all time. I take my hands off to him."
- basketball player Scottie Pippen

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
- basketball player Chuck Nevitt

"We're not attempting to circumcise the rules."
- American football coach Bill Cowher

"90 percent of the game is half mental."
- baseball player Jim Wohlford

And, of course, the unavoidable Lawrence "Yogi" Berra section:

"Baseball is 90 percent mental, and the other half is physical." (I wonder if Berra and Wohlford ever got together to talk about math.)

"We lost because we made too many wrong mistakes."

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." ("Hey, sweet, a free fork!")

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six."

"You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there."

"I never said most of the things I said."


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Scotland manager Gordon Strachan during his time in charge of Southampton, in response to the question "In what areas did you think they were better than you?"

--"Mainly the big green one."

Dark Archive

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Arcana Whupass wrote:
I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
Sissyl wrote:

The problem with all the Disney princesses is that they're poorly optimized.

-one of my players

But they're all so...punctual!
1st lvl aristocrat as PC? Plz n00b, summoner or GTFO.

[tangent]That's where Princess Jasmine lost me. She had a frickin' *tiger* as a pet, and some schmuck with a flying carpet has to save her? I think not. Jaffar's being a jerk? Faster pussycat, kill, kill!

And eat his annoying bird sidekick, too, while you're at it.[/tangent]


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Roger Moore wrote:
Of course I do my own stunts. And I also do my own lying.


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Here are some of my favorite Bill Hicks (1961-1994) gems. Enjoy!

It's all about money, not freedom, y'all, okay? Nothing to do with f^(kin' freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without f^(king money, okay?

(mimics someone complaining about second hand smoke) Good theory. But guess what, if I don't smoke there's going to be secondary bullets coming your way, 'cause I'm that tense.

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

I think it's interesting the two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you at all, are legal, and the drugs that might open your mind up to realize how badly you're being f^(ked every day of your life? Those drugs are against the law. He-heh, coincidence? See, I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, 'cause I took 'em one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, Now, if that isn't a hazard to our country... how are we gonna justify arms dealing if we know we're all one?!

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

Liberty's Edge

David M Mallon wrote:


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.
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"Nobody in football should be called a genius-- a genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- American football player Joe Theismann
.
.
.

I have heard that Norman Einstein was someone that Joe Theisman knew in school, and an exceptional student. Joe Theisman was not botching a reference to Albert Einstein.

Scarab Sages

David M Mallon wrote:


By that logic, I'm an actor because of that one time I accidentally walked in front of the camera back when I worked at the TV station. Where's my SAG card? Tommy Wiseau has one, so obviously they hand them out like candy.

Did you say anything audible? A spoken line is the magic boundary between 'extra' and 'SAG-eligible' - that, and the production needs to be "a SAG-AFTRA production."

Set wrote:

[tangent]That's where Princess Jasmine lost me. She had a frickin' *tiger* as a pet, and some schmuck with a flying carpet has to save her? I think not. Jaffar's being a jerk? Faster pussycat, kill, kill!

The tiger tried, remember? It was too late, and Jaffar turned him into a harmless kitten.

Liberty's Edge

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
David M Mallon wrote:


By that logic, I'm an actor because of that one time I accidentally walked in front of the camera back when I worked at the TV station. Where's my SAG card? Tommy Wiseau has one, so obviously they hand them out like candy.

Did you say anything audible? A spoken line is the magic boundary between 'extra' and 'SAG-eligible' - that, and the production needs to be "a SAG-AFTRA production."

Set wrote:

[tangent]That's where Princess Jasmine lost me. She had a frickin' *tiger* as a pet, and some schmuck with a flying carpet has to save her? I think not. Jaffar's being a jerk? Faster pussycat, kill, kill!

The tiger tried, remember? It was too late, and Jaffar turned him into a harmless kitten.

Magic > Mêlée


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I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
David M Mallon wrote:


By that logic, I'm an actor because of that one time I accidentally walked in front of the camera back when I worked at the TV station. Where's my SAG card? Tommy Wiseau has one, so obviously they hand them out like candy.
Did you say anything audible? A spoken line is the magic boundary between 'extra' and 'SAG-eligible' - that, and the production needs to be "a SAG-AFTRA production."

It was a while ago, so I'm not sure, but there's a good chance I said something to the effect of "Shit, I didn't know you guys were still filming."


"You know what I'd love to do right now? Go down to Marie Callender's. Get me a big bowl. Pie, some ice cream on it. Mmmm, good. Put some on your head. Your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it. Interested?"
- Detective Stanley Jacobellis (Christopher Walken), Gigli (2003)


My faith and politics are more and more irreconcilable. What matters more to me now is to do what I think is right, not to do what is popular.
-- Erick Erickson, If I Die Before You Wake . . ., 10 Oct 2016

Souls are not saved in bundles. Love is the necessary force.
-- David Brooks, The Power of a Dinner Table, 18 Oct 2016


"The situation is, I have, in my flat, a mouse. I don't want a mouse. I don't begrudge him the houseroom. I'm quite happy for him to set himself up behind the skirting board somewhere, ideally with one of those perfectly semicircular holes Jerry used to specialize in. And by Jerry, I mean the cartoon mouse, not wartime Germans. Their holes were quite different."
- David Mitchell


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"Studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns, just in case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder."
- Grunkle Stan Pines (Alex Hirsch), Gravity Falls (2012)


"[Da Vinci's Madonna of the Rocks] is more commonly known as Virgin of the Rocks, but "Frog Kitchen Visor" doesn't make for a very sexy anagram."
- CinemaSins' review of Ron Howard's 2006 film The Da Vinci Code


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"All fungi are edible. Some fungi are only edible once."
- Sir Terry Pratchett


"Drat! How did you make it past my one guard?"
- Probabilitor the Annoying ("Weird Al" Yankovic), Gravity Falls (2015)

Liberty's Edge

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Anybody else remember Police Squad with Leslie Nielson?

One of my favorite exchanges was:

BBEG: "Who are you? How did you get in here?"
Drebin: "I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith."


"Everyone in this town is a tad strange. Except, ironically, Tad Strange."
- Jesus "Soos" Ramirez (Alex Hirsch), Gravity Falls (2015)


"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."
— Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)


"Boxing is a lot like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
— Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey


"A specialist knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing; a generalist knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything."
- anonymous


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"So you're telling me that my brain on drugs is a healthy, nutritious breakfast that helps my brain grow? Shit, I should do some drugs."
- Jonathan "JonTron" Jafari, commenting on the famed "fried egg" anti-drug PSA.


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

"Now this calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence."- Vyvyan Basterd, The Young Ones


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Air Traffic Control: "Flight Two-Zero-Niner, you are cleared for takeoff."
Captain Clarence Oveur (Peter Graves): "Roger."
Co-Pilot Roger Murdock (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar): "Huh?"
Air Traffic Control: "LA departure frequency One-Two-Three-Point-Niner."
Captain Clarence Oveur: "Roger."
Co-Pilot Roger Murdock: "Huh?"
Navigator Victor Basta (Frank Ashmore): "Request vector, over."
Captain Clarence Oveur: "Huh?"
Air Traffic Control: "Flight Two-Zero-Niner, clear for Vector Three-Two-Four."
Co-Pilot Roger Murdock: "We have clearance, Clarence."
Captain Clarence Oveur: "Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?"
Air Traffic Control: "Outward radio clearance, over."
Captain Clarence Oveur: "That's Clarence Oveur, over."
Air Traffic Control: "Roger."
Co-Pilot Roger Murdock: "Huh?"
Air Traffic Control: "Roger, over."
Co-Pilot Roger Murdock: "Huh?"
Captain Clarence Oveur: "Huh?"
Navigator Victor Basta: "Who?"

- Airplane! (1980)

Dark Archive

"Thank you, sewer friend."

Scarab Sages

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"The distinction between children and adults, while probably useful for some purposes, is at bottom a specious one, I feel. There are only individual egos, crazy for love."
- Niccolo Machiavelli


"[A]s a director, Mel Gibson is like a cross between Cecil B. DeMille, Frank Capra, and Lucio Fulci. There are parts of this movie were it looks like someone spilled fake blood a Norman Rockwell [painting]."
- Brad Jones, Midnight Screenings: Hacksaw Ridge (2016)

Silver Crusade

"Just keep moving forward and don't give a shit about what anybody thinks. Do what you have to do, for you."
- JOHNNY DEPP!

Sovereign Court

Syrus Terrigan wrote:

Here are some of my favorite Bill Hicks (1961-1994) gems. Enjoy!

It's all about money, not freedom, y'all, okay? Nothing to do with f^(kin' freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without f^(king money, okay?

(mimics someone complaining about second hand smoke) Good theory. But guess what, if I don't smoke there's going to be secondary bullets coming your way, 'cause I'm that tense.

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

I think it's interesting the two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you at all, are legal, and the drugs that might open your mind up to realize how badly you're being f^(ked every day of your life? Those drugs are against the law. He-heh, coincidence? See, I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, 'cause I took 'em one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, Now, if that isn't a hazard to our country... how are we gonna justify arms dealing if we know we're all one?!

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

I love Bill Hicks but it's hard to laugh at the smoking stuff after it killed him in his prime.

Even worse that an authority-challenging, anti-big-business hero was killed by their stuff.


He followed a noble tradition of saying things as you see it, and drinking and smoking your way to an early death.

Scarab Sages

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"You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom. You can only be free if I am free."
- Clarence Darrow


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“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies of it.”
- anonymous, paraphrased from E.B. White

“Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.”
- original quote, E.B. White


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Otto von Bismarck wrote:
Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made.

Amen! Anyone up for a hot dog btw?


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MageHunter wrote:
Otto von Bismarck wrote:
Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made.
Amen! Anyone up for a hot dog btw?

The real question is, who isn't up for a hot dog?


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“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
― Mark Twain


David M Mallon wrote:
MageHunter wrote:
Otto von Bismarck wrote:
Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made.
Amen! Anyone up for a hot dog btw?
The real question is, who isn't up for a hot dog?

"I saw an advert for "Awesome hot dogs — only $2.99!" If they were "awesome," you would be going, "I cannot breathe… for the way… the sausage… is held by the bun… it is… it is… it is speaking to me… it is saying "We are lips and thighs of a donkey. Please eat us, but do not think we are lips when you eat us, otherwise you'll throw up." Which is true. America needs the old version of "awesome," because you're the only ones who've been going to space. You've got a bit of cash, you go up there, and you need "awesome." You're going to be going to the next sun to us, and the president's going to be saying, "Can you tell me, astronaut, what it's like?" "It's awesome, sir." "What, like a hot dog?"

- Eddie Izzard

Scarab Sages

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David M Mallon wrote:

The real question is, who isn't up for a hot dog?

Jews, Muslims, and Hindus?


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I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
David M Mallon wrote:

The real question is, who isn't up for a hot dog?

Jews, Muslims, and Hindus?

I really walked into that one, didn't I...

Liberty's Edge

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
David M Mallon wrote:

The real question is, who isn't up for a hot dog?

Jews, Muslims, and Hindus?

.

I could suggest Hebrew National for the first group, and some of the second. Some Muslims consider certified kosher meat an acceptable substitute for halal meat. There are things called "Tofu Pups", but I don't think I could in good conscience suggest them to anybody.


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Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.

-Anonymous


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"Release the Aardvark!"
-Unknown
if you have any information concerning this person's identity please contact your nearest police station

Scarab Sages

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Theconiel wrote:


I could suggest Hebrew National for the first group, and some of the second. Some Muslims consider certified kosher meat an acceptable substitute for halal meat. There are things called "Tofu Pups", but I don't think I could in good conscience suggest them to anybody.

I know, but the grapevine says there's been some...controversy surrounding Hebrew National. I'm not sure how serious it is, whether it's just "you didn't do ALL the proper rituals just right," or full-on "there's shit in the meat."

"Each time history repeats itself, the price goes up."
- Ronald Wright


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"I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if it's not right."
- Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman 2


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Director Jeffrey Mace (Jason O'Mara): "First we sharpen the axe, then we chop the tree."
Agent Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie (Henry Simmons): "My axe is plenty sharp. And a shotgun."

- Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D, season 4, episode 7


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"The first and foremost [discovery] was blindingly obvious, once someone showed it to me: that Shakespeare's plays were written to be performed, that they are not books to be read, or indeed, studied, but they are manuals on how to perform his plays[.]"
- Ben Crystal


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Quote:
"If the aim of developing society would be that we all should work the maximum amount of time we'd be insane. The aim is to free the human to create their maximum amount. Dance. Paint. Sing. Yes, whatever you want. Freedom."

Ernst Wigforss, Swedish minister of finance 1925-26, 1936-1949

Scarab Sages

Hey there Sweden, I don't suppose you could send some social democratic vikings our way?

Luv,
- America

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