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"It's a gazebo, Eric, a gazebo! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try."
- Ed Whitchurch, as quoted by Richard Aronson


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“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”
- attributed to "actress" Tara Reid

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32

"People can't imagine that which they haven't seen."
~ Mizuho Kusanagi


"You just stuck your anus into my forcefield!"
-Sue Perkins during the Supersizers French Revolution episode.

Liberty's Edge

David M Mallon wrote:

"It's a gazebo, Eric, a gazebo! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try."

- Ed Whitchurch, as quoted by Richard Aronson

When I clicked on the link, Avast found a threat on that site.


Theconiel wrote:
David M Mallon wrote:

"It's a gazebo, Eric, a gazebo! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try."

- Ed Whitchurch, as quoted by Richard Aronson
When I clicked on the link, Avast found a threat on that site.

I have no idea why-- it's an archived RPG website page on the Internet Archive.

Scarab Sages

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"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
- David Friedman

"Sometimes I think it should be a rule of war that you have to see somebody up close and get to know him before you can shoot him."
- Colonel Potter, M*A*S*H

A great war leaves the country with three armies — an army of cripples, an army of mourners, and an army of thieves.
- German Proverb

"Everyone's a pacifist between wars. It's like being a vegetarian between meals."
- Colman McCarthy

"Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for education. Probably, no nation is rich enough to pay for both war and civilization. We must make our choice; we cannot have both."
- Abraham Flexner

"You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake."
- Jeanette Rankin

"We need a new law that owners of SUVs are automatically in the military reserve. Then they can go get their own goddamn oil."
- Jello Biafra

"Man, in his sensitivity, does not give names to animals he intends to eat but goes on giving names to children he intends to send to war."
- Robert Brault

"It doesn't require any particular bravery to stand on the floor of the Senate and urge our boys in Vietnam to fight harder, and if this war mushrooms into a major conflict and a hundred thousand young Americans are killed, it won't be U.S. Senators who die. It will be American soldiers who are too young to qualify for the Senate."
- George McGovern

"You cannot prevent and prepare for war at the same time."
- Albert Einstein

"The ability and inclination to use physical strength is no indication of bravery or tenacity to life. The greatest cowards are often the greatest bullies. Nothing is cheaper and more common than physical bravery."
- Clarence Darrow, Resist Not Evil

"It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets."
- Voltaire, War

"If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war."
- Pentagon official explaining why the U.S. military censored graphic footage from the Gulf War

"War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." - John F. Kennedy

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower


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My one political post for the year:

"[M]ost people, even the educated...think that everybody must "believe" something or other, that if one is not a theist, one must be a dogmatic atheist, and if one does not think Capitalism is perfect, one must believe fervently in Socialism, and if one does not have blind faith in X, one must alternatively have blind faith in not-X or the reverse of X. My own opinion is that belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence."
- Robert Anton Wilson

"The ordinary American is not a class warrior or a woe-is-me whiner coveting the rewards of others - the ordinary American simply believes that extraordinary rewards should go to those who do extraordinary things, not to paper-pushing failures at parasite banks."
- Joshua M. Brown

And, most importantly:

"Preople think Baranga Obrama is coolest guy of President, but guess what, he's not. It's man name of Jerry Wamberson."
- Dr. Steve Brule

Ya dingus.

Scarab Sages

"The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.


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"The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot...Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark."

"Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."

- Carl Sagan


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"The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent."
― Carl Sagan

"People are not stupid. They believe things for reasons. The last way for skeptics to get the attention of bright, curious, intelligent people is to belittle or condescend or to show arrogance toward their beliefs."
― Carl Sagan

"The big picture doesn't just come from distance; it also comes from time."
- Simon Sinek

"The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What's left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars."
― Bertolt Brecht

"History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices."
― Bill Watterson

"There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good."
― Stephen Colbert

"The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow."
― H.G. Wells


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"[D]espite all of the accomplishments and wonders of civilization, humans cannot alter the fact that they possess only a finite amount of mastery and control over their own destinies."
- John Marmysz

"Nothing matters very much and most things don't matter at all."
― Arthur Balfour

"Don't ever trust a punk who lived."
― Noah Wareness

Scarab Sages

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”
― Desmond Tutu

“However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.”
― Stanley Kubrick

"If nothing we do matters...then all that matters is what we do."
- Angel, Angel


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"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."
- George Carlin


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Calvin: "They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines."
Hobbes: "Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce."
Calvin: "We need more special effects and dance numbers."


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"It's an impossible choice. ... I'll just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me."
- Bernard Black (Dylan Moran)


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"To be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think... in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of corner-shop piss at 3 AM, you do sometimes look at yourself and think: "This is fantastic. I'm in Heaven."
- Bernard Black (Dylan Moran)


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I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

"If nothing we do matters...then all that matters is what we do."

- Angel, Angel

-

Mr. Furious (Ben Stiller): "Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a little bit formulaic? "If you want to push something down, you have to pull it up. If you want to go left, you have to go right." It's..."
The Sphinx (Wes Studi): "Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to master your rage..."
Mr. Furious: "...your rage will become your master? That's what you were going to say. Right? Right?"
The Sphinx: "Not necessarily..."


"Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties, you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties, you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"
- Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal), City Slickers (1991)

Scarab Sages

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
- Albert Einstein

"Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from."
- Jodie Foster

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."
- Oscar Wilde

"Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader."
- Christopher Titus

"The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Liberty's Edge

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“If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.”

― Paul Beatty


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JOHNNY: "Where is my coffee?"
LISA: [SHE GETS OUT OF BED AND PUTS ON A REVEALING GOWN AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN.] "What time do you have to be there?"
JOHNNY: [HE IS YELLING.] "I told you many times! 9:30! I have my promotion to think about."
LISA: "Promotion! Promotion! That's all I hear about. Here is your coffee and English Muffin and burn your mouth."
JOHNNY: [HE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE DRINKING AND EATING] "Old man Donkey lets me know today. I have to think about our future."

- Tommy Wiseau, original script for The Room, written 2001, released 2003.

Thankfully, this exchange was excised before the start of filming. Or maybe not, depending on how you look at it.


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"[A heavy gun] is good, heavy is reliable. If it doesn't work you can always hit them with it."
- Boris the Blade (Rade Serbedzija), Snatch (2000)

Scarab Sages

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"Those who will not reason are bigots; those who cannot are fools; and those who dare not are slaves."
- Lord Byron

"A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble."
- Mahatma Gandhi

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding. You cannot subjugate a nation forcibly unless you wipe out every man, woman, and child. Unless you wish to use such drastic measures, you must find a way of settling your disputes without resort to arms."
- Albert Einstein

"Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime."
- G. Gordon Liddy

"I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center."
- Kurt Vonnegut

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.
- Alan Dean Foster, "To the Vanishing Point"


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“In this age, the mere example of non-conformity, the mere refusal to bend the knee to custom, is itself a service. Precisely because the tyranny of opinion is such as to make eccentricity a reproach, it is desirable, in order to break through that tyranny, that people should be eccentric. Eccentricity has always abounded when and where strength of character has abounded; and the amount of eccentricity in a society has generally been proportional to the amount of genius, mental vigor, and moral courage which it contained. That so few now dare to be eccentric, marks the chief danger of the time.”
― John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

“The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widely spread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible.”
― Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling 'darkness' on the wall of his cell."
- C. S. Lewis


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The Anti-Joke Chicken "Best Of" compilation:

Q: What's blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint.

Q: What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
A: "Where's my tractor?"

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Hitler.

Q: What did the pirate do right before he buried his treasure?
A: He dug a hole.

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
A: "Robin, get in the car."

Q: What did the elephant say to the mouse?
A: Nothing. Animals can't talk.


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"I will never forget what my dear old Granddad said to me right before he kicked the bucket. He said: "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
- attributed to Emo Philips


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"I saw a commercial on TV that said, "forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were."
- Mitch Hedberg


"What the f%#~ made you think I was actually going to dance? F$!* off, I'm hired to sit here and be sarcastic, not dance around like some cunt. ... The world is full of people making people who don't want to dance dance. At weddings and things-- "Go on, have a dance, you know you want to, really." No, I really don't want to. I have my own mind, I'll do what I want to. And now it's happening to people on television."
- David Mitchell, Big Fat Quiz Of The Year 2009


"I don't know why they bother giving movies titles this time of year. Every movie should just be called 'F+~+ You, It's January!"
- Jay Bauman

Dark Archive

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David M Mallon wrote:

"I will never forget what my dear old Granddad said to me right before he kicked the bucket. He said: "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

- attributed to Emo Philips

Ooh, Emo rocks!

"I always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'"

and;

"I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car."

Also Rita Rudner;

"My husband asked why I never wear the diamond necklace he bought me, and I told him, 'We live in New York, dear. I'm not going out of the house with anything around my neck that's worth more than my head.'"


"George [Lucas] ... wanted to piss off all of those people who ripped him apart. You know, all those sniveling, complaining internet armchair critics. Hey, speaking of that, this armchair I got has been acting up. I gotta get that guy out to fix it. And he'd better do a good job, or else I'm going to complain about how he fixed it. On the internet."
- Mr. Plinkett (Mike Stoklasa), Mr Plinkett's The Star Wars Awakens


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My personal favorites from Emo Philips:

"My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid, and her nose was shot off by the French."

"So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

"I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

"They say public speaking is the number-one fear in the country. I would've thought the number-one fear would be being buried alive with a severed head. And just before your flashlight's battery dies, the eyes open. But no, apparently it's the public speaking thing."

"I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky, but there was no gum under any of them."

"Ambiguity is the Devil's volleyball."

"My girlfriend always giggles during sex, no matter what she's reading."

"I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"I'm not a fatalist. Even if I was, what could I do about it?"

"And now, my tribute to Elvis Presley: thanks, Elvis."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."

"I was feeling a bit down, and I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill."

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe."


"I have played Macbeth. Do me a favor-- I have played in Proust's À la recherche du temps perdu. I have played at the Royal Court Theatre in London. Today, my tombstone will read, "Here Lies Greedo." And that's fantastic now. I have to say that after 30 years of living with that, I couldn't have asked for a better epitaph, really, for what it's provided me and the relationship I've had with it. In that sense, it's kind of defined what I've done. Otherwise, if I hadn't done that, I suppose I would have been just another actor."
- Paul Blake (actor, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope), Elstree 1976

Scarab Sages

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"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
- Emo Philips

Scarab Sages

"The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living from the dead."
- Aristotle


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There are two main ways to hold a knife: one point up, and one point down.
Now, in a knife fight, the prize is your life, not just avoiding some slit in your gown.
So, you've got to get it right. This is a fight, but which is the better way?
Well, perhaps, it would shed some light if we see what the treatises say.
Now, they seem quite clear. They prefer, by far, the downward, or "ice pick" grip.
True, the other way, they don't exactly bar, but they never show us that flip.
Now, it's of the rondel that they seek to teach us.
It's thin and stabby and long, but what sort of techniques have failed to reach us?
Perhaps, the choice of the rondel is wrong...

Now, I learned my knife-fighting with a knife like *this*. It's shorter and fatter and sort of cutty.
An attacker with *this*? That's just taking the piss against me with this, he's surely putty.
Now, I learned through re-enactment and kung-fu, and not through Late Medieval sources.
And I know that complacency will never do, so I took some HEMA courses.
And I went along with, I hope, an open mind, and took a wooden thing like this (for safety's sake), and I tried out the moves to see what I could find
And oh boy, the next day I didn't half ache

But anyway, I found that my first suspicion proved true:
The "ice pick" grip limits your angles, there's really just one thing you can do.
And, you know, I'd like more options when my life dangles by a thread, when I'm this close to death and can feel my heartbeat drumming.
You know, this could be my last pain-free breath, with just one opening move, he'll see it coming.
Now, it's a good stab, I'll grant you. It's hard, and downward, and deadly.
But one stab is many too few, and if you hold it this way, you've got a medley.

Now, try this, and hold it "ice-pick" on the outward side, you get to here, and you're weak and pained.
A half-decent force here applied, and down you go, unlikely to rise again.
It's feeble and slow and so easy to block, an attack from here just spells doom.
I mean, look, you've near enough got me in an arm-lock, and you're not even in the same room.
Now the treatises do show some attacks that drop low and come up like *so*, but try that and I'll be relaxed.
A big move like that is so slow, and if you offered your elbow like this to a foe, one push exposes your back and your head.
So I know you're not going to land that blow-- before that, forget it, you're dead.

So, almost everything starts from *here*, and so after the block, then what next?
Well, assuming you can overcome your fear, you could try what it says in the text.
Typically, you start by grabbing the blade--it's long, so it serves well as a lever.
Its length acts as a disarming aid, and it's thin, so it's not much of a cleaver.
But it's often at least a little bit sharp, so mightn't you cut your finger?
Well, the alternative is that you start playing the harp, so just grab it, this is no time to linger.

Now, I'll choose something shorter and sharper, and I'll grip it my way, and we'll see who's the harper.
And while you go in for some big twist, I'll slash you, it's quicker.
Put a gash in your wrist-- I'll cut through your tendons and under your arm, and turn your limb into so much slack rope.
I have faith in the speed I do harm. You dope, to pin on "ice pick" grip, your hope.
So, there are other ways, as shown by the likes of Fairbairn-Sykes, to stab and slash in a hundred strikes.
So, come our dagger duel, I'll hold it *my way*, you hold it yours, and we'll see who carries the day.

Having taken pause to reflect, maybe I wouldn't... because that's just what you'd expect.

- Nikolas "Lindybeige" Lloyd, Dagger Fighting


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The problem with all the Disney princesses is that they're poorly optimized.

-one of my players


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Sissyl wrote:

The problem with all the Disney princesses is that they're poorly optimized.

-one of my players

That's funny about three different ways. I love it.

Scarab Sages

Sissyl wrote:

The problem with all the Disney princesses is that they're poorly optimized.

-one of my players

But they're all so...punctual!

Scarab Sages

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Anyways, if we're going to get 'personal' like that...

"There is no point in learning the value of a dollar; when you grow up, it will change."
- my brother


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I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

Anyways, if we're going to get 'personal' like that...

"There is no point in learning the value of a dollar; when you grow up, it will change."
- my brother

"I'd buy that for a dollar!"

- Bixby Snyder (S.D. Nemeth), RoboCop (1987)


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I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
Sissyl wrote:

The problem with all the Disney princesses is that they're poorly optimized.

-one of my players

But they're all so...punctual!

1st lvl aristocrat as PC? Plz n00b, summoner or GTFO.


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I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

"The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living from the dead."

- Aristotle

Sure enough. To educate the uneducated requires years of schooling, but to make a living person dead, all you need is a really sharp screwdriver.


The Status Crow wrote:
I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

"The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living from the dead."

- Aristotle
Sure enough. To educate the uneducated requires years of schooling, but to make a living person dead, all you need is a really sharp screwdriver.

How dreadfully barbaric. Terrible, just terrible.

Liberty's Edge

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Zeus kidnapped the gorgeous young lad
So his beauty could make the gods glad.
Now Ganymede's there
On Olympus so fair.
Only Hera (as always) got mad.

1610's when the first European
Found Ganymede, moon Galilean.
Named for Zeus's delight,
This huge satellite, bright,
Should earn Galileo a paean!

- AndrewB (me!) (Limericks posted on OEDILF, The Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form)


"Hi Principal Skinner. Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers. I'm *learn-ding*."
- Ralph Wiggum (Nancy Cartwright), The Simpsons


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

"You brought this on yourself. You're an unwanted pawn in the game. Your tenacity's amused me, and I've enjoyed your despair, but my use for you is at an end."
-The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm), Phantasm Ravager


"Aliens? Us? Is this one of your Earth "jokes"?"
- Kro-Bar (Andrew Parks), The Lost Skeleton Of Cadavra (2001)


David M Mallon wrote:

“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”

- attributed to "actress" Tara Reid

what? She is an actress.

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