Kestria
"A nation on the edge."
Alignment: N
Capital: Olbridge (pop. 162,800)
Notable Settlements: Drascoll (pop. 73,500), Aldrick (pop. 8,200)
Ruler: High Lord Stavros, King of Kestria, Master of the Unseen
Government: The majority of Kestrian politics occurs within (and between) two major councils. The Council of the Named, composed of one member from each noble house, is responsible for commerce and defense. The Council of a Thousand Scriptures, composed of representatives from all thirteen of Kestria’s recognized religions, is responsible for the general welfare.
Above these councils sits the king who has final absolute say over Kestria and its people. The king exerts his will through his secret police, the Unseen. These masked soldiers live double lives and its members are taken from all branches of Kestrian society ranging from members of both ruling councils to thugs living in the black slums of Drascoll.
Description: Once part of a much larger empire, Kestria spans the plains between the sentient Living Wood in the west and the oft contested Fel Gap in the east. To the north stand the sheer cliffs of the Frost Worm Mountains from which a hundred waterfalls join to form the lifeblood of Kestria, the mighty Ausaton River. To the south lie the kingdoms of Gunyr, Osat, and Zhal.
Incursions through the Fel Gap are defended by the walled city of Drascoll where constant defense is required against the demon tribes to the east. The nearby hills are filled with risky mining operations where they uncover not only gold and silver, but also artifacts from ages past when the demon tribes ruled these lands under a single infernal banner. Trade for mithral weapons from the nearby dwarves is common as the city protects not only Kestria, but the small dwarven kingdom of Voruski as well.
At Kestria’s heart lies the trade city of Olbridge. Here, in Electrum Square, prospective buyers can find goods ranging from simple textiles, to witchcraft from the demon tribes, to exotic wares from the fey of the Living Wood. After selling their treasures for a week or two, merchants then load any remaining goods onto barges and ship their goods south down the Ausaton and into the kingdoms beyond. Adjacent to Electrum Square is the Church of Many. Here, after worshiping any of Kestria’s many gods, one can witness a meeting of the Council of a Thousand Scriptures or climb to the heights of its central spire and enjoy a panoramic view of the rest of the city, the skyline broken only by the palace itself. Once one of the busiest places in Olbridge, the grand palace is now largely empty and is officially used only by the Council of the Named. Its near vacancy began five years ago when the king moved from the palace to his country manor. Since then, the High Lord has yet to revisit the city and there are rumors that he has abandoned the people of Kestria completely.
With these rumors spreading to neighboring lands, an old border dispute with Gunyr has flared up and increasingly large raids from the demon tribes attack through the Fel Gap. People have been disappearing from their homes late and night and the number of merchants willing to trade with Kestria decrease as trade routes become more dangerous and banditry more common.
Trouble lies at every turn and Kestria is a nation on the edge.
DM Secrets: High Lord Stavros is completely insane and on the verge of death. Five years ago he discovered his son and only heir had slept with one of his servants and impregnated her. In anger he struck the servant causing her to have a miscarriage. When his son confronted him, he struck the Prince with his scepter. Soon after, while holding his son in his arms, his son died of blood loss. For days, the king tried to have his son resurrected, but none of the priests in Olbridge could bring his son back from the dead. He hung many of the priests for their failure. Beginning to go mad and with no heir, Stavros saw assassins around every corner. In an attempt to protect himself, he moved his rule from the palace to his country manor. Once there, he immediately began to build a new fortress and pulled in troops from throughout Kestria to defend his new home. He then commanded the Unseen to root out any potential traitors to the throne and bring them to his new keep. So with very little reason, the Unseen began to pull people from their homes late at night. In near solitude, the mad king now spends his days praying for the gods to return him his son and his nights torturing potential traitors to the throne.
The Unseen are at war with themselves. Morally corrupt, its leaders shield King Stavros from the realities of Kestrian Society. They know the depths of the kings madness and protect themselves from death by providing the king a continuous supply of new traitors; however, many of the Unseen’s members are loyal to Kestria first and High Lord Stavros second. As the Unseen are ordered to capture more traitors, many of them act to prevent the senseless violence and protect the innocent. Renegade cells of Unseen have formed and they fight against their former comrades in an attempt to restore justice. Low on resources, and hunted by their former comrades, these rogue Unseen have begun recruiting new members in the hope of tipping the balance. Will they be successful? Or will they only succeed in tearing Kestria further apart?
Meanwhile, the Council of the Named knows Stavros is near death. With no heir for the throne, they have already begun to jockey for position, but not too heavily… lest they disappear in the night.
Submission checklist:
Submitted on time? Check.
Submission is a "country"? Check.
Submission contains all of the mandatory content as required by the contest rules? Check.
Submission is within the word limit? Check. 964. (Look at that, a good submission with nearly 40 words to spare.)
Submission is free of inappropriate content in violation of the "taboo" guidelines? Check.
Submission does not use content from a source other than those listed? Check.
Submission does not reference a published campaign setting? Check.
Submission does not include maps or art? Check.
Submission is a suitable setting for roleplaying with the d20 system? Check.
Submission is not a "joke" or otherwise completely fails to meet the minimum requirements of the competition or other contest rules? Check.
Kobold Press
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Sometimes all it takes is one good phrase.
In the Wondrous Item round, I remember some of the phrases like "phase spider silk". In this round, maybe it's going to be "the black slums of Drascoll." It sounds like a nasty place, with good naming and the wonderful element that the secret police hang out there, or are recruited there. From that point on, I'm with you, Silas. A fantasy police state? Why, tell me more!
You've got a deft hand with naming, most of the time. Kestria is well-named, as are Stavros and Drascoll. "Electrum Square", maybe not so much.
Lots of hinting going on here, from the Living Wood to the absent king to the demon tribes. There's enough to start with, but you seem to realize that the reader will run with it in their own game. Good move; there's not enough room in this round to expand on everything.
The DM Secrets ... you maybe go a little over the top, but in a fun way. The Mad King is clearly something that is kept hidden from most people, and that makes a great twist once a group of players thinks they know the place.
Recommended for Top 16.
Chief Creative Officer, Publisher
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The names in this entry are generally good, though I think you might want to concentrate a bit on comma useage. I noticed several sentences that could benefit from them, notably:
"These masked soldiers live double lives and its members are taken from all branches of Kestrian society [COMMA] ranging from members of both ruling councils to thugs living in the black slums of Drascoll."
"Incursions through the Fel Gap are defended by the walled city of Drascoll [COMMA] where constant defense is required against the demon tribes to the east."
That last sentence is also a good example of passive voice. WHO defends the gap against incursions through the Fel Gap? Good writing involves subjects verbing. If you're missing the subjects, you've got problems.
And since I'm being anal about commas, here's a sentence that has too many of them. I've marked the offenders with brackets:
"At Kestria’s heart lies the trade city of Olbridge. Here, in Electrum Square, prospective buyers can find goods ranging from simple textiles[,] to witchcraft from the demon tribes[,] to exotic wares from the fey of the Living Wood."
Perhaps you can trade the two extra commas from that sentence to the two sentences above that need them. :)
I'm not sure that I buy the premise that Kestria is a "nation on the edge" surrounded by trouble on all sides based on the information provided in the player-safe section of the submission. Yeah, it's got problems (especially with those demon tribes), but I think you could have done more with the language to add a sense of oppression and risk that is somewhat lacking from the entry.
What's presented is competent and even quite interesting... I'm just not sure it's as overwhelmingly threatened as the premise would have me believe.
I like the idea of a mad king with an army of secret police, but the whole "slapped to death" plotline seems overdone and a bit mundane for a world of fantasy adventure. And I don't get why none of the clerics would resurrect the prince. The king has his own secret police, so what gives with their reticence?
I like the Unseen a lot and generally I think this entry has a lot of promise. You're going to need to focus more heavily on your punctuation, especially the comma and the apostrophe (I noticed at least one botched possessive in the entry). That stuff probably isn't going to knock you out of contention this early in the game, but you're not going to get a pass on it forever.
Lots of potential here. The writing needs some work and there are very few WOW ideas present, but what is here is competently done and avoids falling into the common traps.
I think it will be enough to get you through to the next round, but that's going to be up to voters, not to me.
Fluff (writing, grammar, style, evocative prose, etc.): B+
The Good: Generally well written, but some grammar issues. Has a few moments of truly good writing. Did a very good job with limited word count of suggesting more than you can describe, which is one of the key writing tasks of this contest. Here is an example: In one sentence, you give us “To the north stand the sheer cliffs of the Frost Worm Mountains from which a hundred waterfalls join to form the lifeblood of Kestria, the mighty Ausaton River.” That is brilliant. And then this: “to thugs living in the black slums of Drascoll.” I want to play here, and the language and writing create that desire.
The Bad: Some grammar issues. Not consistently excellent.
Crunch (basics, rules issues, depth of the setting, details, etc.): B
The Good: There are lots of juicy, crunchy nuggets strewn throughout this submission. Very tasty!
The Bad: Could have used more game-specific information such as races, classes, etc.
Design (choices made, format, naming, originality, theme, balance--ie, is the submission heavy in one part but lacking in another?): B+
The Good: Very good choices. You stuck with the general format and I think that helped you. You didn’t try to do something just to do it. The balance is excellent—you didn’t skimp on the DM section. Naming is generally good (a few not so good, such as Electrum Square, as Erik noted). Good conflict—from the theme that you weave throughout that starts in the tag line, to the last sentence of the description—“Trouble lies at every turn and Kestria is a nation on the edge”. Good design.
The Bad: The DM section could have been tighter and had more meat.
Play (setting for adventure? campaign? is there conflict? are there play limitations?): A-
The Good: Very inclusive setting with some clear conflicts and reasons for play.
The Bad: Lacking some race and class info, but not limiting.
Tilt (my personal take, is it evocative? do I want to play there? does it capture my imagination?): B+
The Good: Solid.
The Bad: Not totally knocking my socks off with creativity and uniqueness, but a really solid entry.
Overall: B+
A solid, workmanlike and reliable fantasy country with good potential for play, though not the greatest for pure creativity. Well-written to boot.
RECOMMENDED for top 16.
I have to admit, I am pleased to see you deliver on this. Your country is very much like your lantern--not the most unique or mindblowing, but solid and well constructed. I have to admit, you keep up that kind of solid design and you are going to have yourself a job in this industry. Cause gonzo is great, but day in day out solid design is Superstar. Nice work
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This one is a bit of a turn off for me, at least in two or three aspects. The writing seemed a little forced at times, others choppy. There were some cliches that I didn't particularly care for, and the main villain of the country is common in style.
However, I liked the idea of a counsel of dignitaries hiding the king's madness from the world. The Unseen is particularly evocative, and I'd love to see the stats for one of them. Also, I could see some great adventure ideas just from the country alone, and regardless of my misgivings above, the entry is something I would expect from Paizo, with some small modifications.
Overall a solid entry. I'll vote yes.
The Unseen alone are worth the trip.
I won't use the country itself, but I am yasnking its best ideas.
I liked it overall. I had no problem with the unraisable prince. I just assumed he was unwilling to go back to his father with the temper that had killed him, his unborn child and made his love forbidden.
Though I must admit the demon tribes? Needed more explaination cause actual demons seemed... overboard.
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
aka Fatespinner
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Yeah, I'm in agreement with ArchLich about the fact that the son didn't WANT to come back and that's why the resurrections failed.
The demon tribes probably are a little over the top, but a nation ruled by demon-blooded creatures (tieflings and half-fiends) could be a cool "villain nation" on the border.
I agree with Wolfgang that you probably went a little too far with the description of the mad king's antics. The secret police were definitely cool, though.
First entry I have read other than my own, but so far I like it. Not perfect, but pretty darn good.
Chad
The mental imagery of the Hundred Waterfalls immediately made me want to draw it up.
*adds to her short list*
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Rusty Ironpants
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Interesting Entry. Without knowing the DM's secrets, I would ask "This is a country on the edge of what, exactly?"
However, the mad king and the secret police are very cool. I would totally play in a urban campaign featuring the PC's as participants in the intrigue and infighting of the various unseen factions.
~Rusty
Yeah, I'm in agreement with ArchLich about the fact that the son didn't WANT to come back and that's why the resurrections failed.
I'll buy that, but I'm still not sure why the king didn't summon the clerics while his son was bleeding to death. With the Church of Many and the Council of a Thousand Scriptures (which is a great name by the way), it seems you shouldn't be able to take two steps without bumping into a cleric.
But that's a minor thing. A fairly solid entry, if a bit unevocative.
I think the strong point here is the police state with areas of degenerate slums ruled over by masked guards with an iron fist. As a mad king sinks deeper into madness, the Council of Named Lords and Council of Scripture fight it out in a fantasy analogue of our own Culture Wars. This much I love. This much is "on the edge" for me.
You throw in a sentient wood full of fae and tribes of demon warlords and it becomes too much stuff all thrown in together. It doesn't need all this stuff. I would have loved to have just seen 1000 words about the first paragraph. I would have loved to get to know the gods of the Scripture Council and the intrigues of the Named Lords. I would have loved the seedy feel of the rundown backalleys gone feral from a lack of any kind of real central authority in the nation.
As it is, it all just kind of feels too over-the-top, like it's trying to hard to have every amazing thing that could ever be in a fantasy setting happen right there. I think that's a bit of a turnoff. Good elements though, and certainly they could be the building blocks for a killer campaign setting.
I like the Unseen and the tension in the country. The Unseen sort of "appear" with little explanation of who fills their ranks. The country seems decent.
I have to admit, I am pleased to see you deliver on this. Your country is very much like your lantern--not the most unique or mindblowing, but solid and well constructed. I have to admit, you keep up that kind of solid design and you are going to have yourself a job in this industry. Cause gonzo is great, but day in day out solid design is Superstar. Nice work.
Hi Clark,
Whether I make it to the next round or not, you've made my day. That's a hell of a compliment and it's very appreciated.
I'd like to say more regarding my specific entry, but with the new rules I better not. Instead, if I advance I promise to raise the bar with my villain. I'm pretty excited about that one...
Thanks!
- Silas.
This reminds me of a fantasy version of V is for Vendetta.
Maybe the prince didn't choose to be raised because his soul had to protect the soul of his unborn child. Maybe if the PCs can secure the safety of the unborn soul, the prince can be resurrected, and the crisis of the crown can be resolved.
I like this country, the family-tragedy of the king has a shakespearian flair, which i like a lot, because it is always actual.
The names are cool, although Stavros is a commom greek name meaning cross. But since I love greek names like Stavros or Petros its fine to me. This setting could work in a campaign with the many greek gods.
I made it through thinking, yeah, this is ok, secret police good, electrum square odd, not a winner yet, and freaking BAM, CRAZY CHILD/PRIEST/PEASANT MURDERING KING.
I actually did a quick inaudible jaw drop on that one. Nice move.
Three more countries to read, but this one has my interest now.
I like the idea of the Unseen.
I felt that you should have fleshed out the demon tribes some more. They seem to play an important part in the country. What exactly are the demon tribes composed of?
I like the country name.
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It would have been a better submission if you had woven in another story hook in addition to the fight over the succession. You've kind of tied everything (the death of the princes, intrigue in the parliament, insurrection in the secret police) around this one story, that has a definite end when a new king is crowned.
That being said, this is a solid setting with cool ideas. Voted.
I like the basic premise for this country but would tweak some of the details. The whole king going mad because he killed his son thing is way cliched but could be worked to make for a much more interesting back story. I love the secret police and boarder wars but play up the involvement of the churches and better define the demon tribes (which seems a little generic to me). Good luck.
I like this one a lot and it is definitely my favorite of the nations I have read so far. I may have to set a campaign there sometime,
There are a few changes I'd make, but mostly the fluff is interesting and the writing is good (except for the already noted issues with comma usage).
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Mad King, secret police. Well, those are two of the elements I really liked in this submission, along with the hints of the dangers lurking on the borders – but for a nation on the edge, I wanted it to be even more on the edge. I think you could have gone further. I also think you spent a little too much word count on the king killing his son thing, without really explaining the whole not being raised thing.
Some juiciness in this one, but I’m not sure that it will stand up to some of the other entries for me. The occasional awkwardness in the writing did not help.
One of the better cultural entries, which is stuff I like.
And yet not clicking for me. In this case I'm quite certain it's just personal preference and not any real flaw in the entry.
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I really like this one. Great writing in many parts. The ideas behind this seem solid but not really groundbreaking. But this didn't seem to be the intention of the author anyway. All the stuff with the Unseen and the mad king is cool stuff. Mixed up with the demon tribes (well, that's a great idea!) and the feys, this makes up an interesting make-up. Lots of hooks for adventure. Sure, the mad king-scenario is a little overdone, but I think this country provides many more themes for cool adventures.
I can imagine a game, where the PCs are people from the slums that are recruted by the Unseen and sent off to capture traitors (and learning more and more about the story of the king during adventures).
I think this is quite solid, because it sparks my imagination and this is, what country write-ups are there for in the first place.
I'll vote on this.
I must admit my eyes were just beginning to gloss over when, Bam!
"The king exerts his will through his secret police, the Unseen. These masked soldiers live double lives and its members are taken from all branches of Kestrian society ranging from members of both ruling councils to thugs living in the black slums of Drascoll."
Which was immediately attention grabbing. The unseen are just not the run of the mill thugs. No the unseen is a open opportunity organization which cuts across all social boundaries. That coupled with the fact that they are still member of the community living ordinary lives make them so much more then other similar ideas.
Over all this sounds like and excellent primarily urban campaign, thought you do provide enough extra meat that a Dm could run with for some interesting side quests.
Unlike some previous commentators I can see problems extending much beyond the king death due to the political environment that you have artfully painted.
By the way I would be interested to know if Ivan the Terrible influenced your design?
This is the first nation that made me need to say something. My hats of to you, and I will remember Kestria when voting.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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The idea of a secret police doesn't get applied to a fantasy setting every day, but it still doesn't strike me as original. I think some of the names are solid, but some of the images are very anime and make it difficult to suspend disbelief. Also, I think anymore, names with numbers in them should be less fanciful or outrageous and more original and thought-provoking. As examples, I think it's easy to throw out phrases like 'a thousand scriptures' and 'a hundred waterfalls', but couldn't something a little more subtle hint at some history and leave us wanting more? A thousand scriptures: I get it - many holy books from all the religions. But Thirteen Scriptures - does that mean there's a special prophecy for each one? How are they inter-related? Does something about that number suggest that there will never be another religion, or that one of the religions can be replaced? REPLACED! There's an entire campaign suggested in that thought.
My two cents. I think your entry deserves top 16, but not my top 5. I am still curious how those dynamics will play out. I'll fel bad if a top ten place doesn't make it because it was great but in no one's top 5.
Likely see you in the next round.
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
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There are some oddities in the description of the government.
In particular, given the central importance of the Unseen, they lack detail. As an entirely separate branch of State power, what is their ideology? How are they recruited? How are they organised? Both logic and practical use suffer as a result.
The fortress city of Drascoll is an interesting spot, especially its separate relationship to the dwarves and the suggestion that it has "black slums".
How does one buy "witchcraft from the demon tribes"? Isn't this, and digging up demon artifacts around and possibly eastwards of Drascoll, a considerable risk given the threat of invasion from that quarter?
I have to say I'm very disappointed in the "nation on the edge" secret. The insane king and splintering secret police are bad, but it doesn't justify such a tag for the whole nation.
Inconsistent and not up to the required standard of writing.
Interesting elements which I no doubt want to steal, solid entry but still as far as I am concerned lacks that extra spark.
Great DM secrets.
I really like this entry, though so much of its draw comes from "current events" - when the king kicks off, is it still interesting? The demon tribes seem cool but unexplained. Tieflings? And I like the Council of a Thousand Scriptures, similar to what we did with the Yeomanry's religion in Living Greyhawk (the Church of Seven Faiths).
I like that your Neutral nation is not portrayed as a nation of apathy and self-concern but as a nation of balanced forces.
The beginning of the entry didn't do much for me. It wasn't bad, but it was a fairly generic fantasy setting kingdom set up. I did kind of like the churches being organized around a central council though.
Using terms like "demon tribes" and "witchcraft" without much to define them is kind of annoying. I know a little bit of hinting that more exists beyond what is defined is good for keeping someone's attention, but some comments are way too open ended. Are the demon tribes literally demons? Why do they live in tribes, in the prime material plane? What constitutes witchcraft? Certain forms of magic, or its origins?
So the beginning was a little uninspired but usable. The demon tribes and witchcraft are evocative and could be really good, but without any kind of details to back them up, they tend to be a little problematic. In the end though, I really liked the crazy king, secret police that are torn between doing what is right and obeying their king. Its a good angle, that can spill over to the PCs in a number of ways.
Uneven, but it has potential.
The Unseen, wow what a great idea. I loved the way you laid out the land so any number of things could go on. Especially because the layout lends itself to horrible things happening to its occupants. The DM section gave me a twist I liked! Its really killing itself from the inside out! Brilliant! You're GM section was definitely my favorite of all the entries, which is saying a lot since I used the GM section to overall decide on my top 5!
Sorry to see you needed to back out of the competition. I really liked your country, hope to enjoy your writing in the future! :)
For real. That was my favorite entry, it's a shame you opted to end here... :(
You had my vote, sad to see you go.
Hi all,
I appreciate all the kind words and support.
Life events prevent me from continuing in this competition, but this experience has given me a deep confidence in my design ability and I plan to enter RPG Superstar again next year.
I almost withdrew from entering last round, but my desire to compete overcame my common sense. I wrote about two-thirds of Kestria in under two hours and then submitted my entry with little to no editing. Besides the admittedly bad grammar and the low word count, a lot of the country was unrealized. Olbridge itself is especially devoid of flavor.
I’d rather a fellow contestant advance than put forth rough drafts. If this is a job interview, I want to put my best foot forward and not get a reputation for bad work.
Best of luck to the other contestants and especially to lucky #17,
- Silas.
Here's hoping you can make it through Round 1 next year. Something tells me we're going to get more than 850 entires. Start thinking up your item now! :)
Blast!
I was hoping it'd be mixed up a bit for next year, rather than running the same gauntlet again and again.
But then again, I think something as cool as the Migrus Locker would probably show up every year even if it were "Design a Wondrous Item" every single year.
And is it going to be 4e, or v3.5?
Nooooooo!!!!!
I certainly hope we're sticking with 3.5E.