the pets were all really turned on now,
and it was "adopt a lion day."
The Lion Tamer was on hand to
show off his official "Lion Tamer" hat
which was made, ironically, of alpaca skin.
The Alpaca Trainer took offense, causing a
war between lions and alpaca that lasted
moments because, you know, lions. The war
never changes its underwear, regardless of how
smelly, and by war I mean giant
corporations puppeteering the poor and stupid into
spiked pit traps filled with dire squirrels
for profit. This evil plan was stopped
by none other than our old friend
, the poop monster from Kevin Smith's "Dogma".
The Poop Monster (named Hank for unknown reasons)
decided today would be the day he
tried out for that job at Chili's.
He prepared for his job interview by
thoroughly scrubbing his nether region with a
eighteen-pointed morningstar covered in the nectar
of Dr. Bunsen's honeydew, a type of
alchemical extract harvested from a dracolich's lower
brain teeth (which are located, paradoxically, in
the northern lands of the Czech Republic)
, a ritual that he performed before every
lunar eclipse or important event. Thankfully his
sensitive bits survived this time, so he
ready to rumble in the iron jungle
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, the famous H. R. Giger theme park.
The park's horrific otherworldly jungle gym with
extra-hot sriracha sauce made his mouth
made Hank reflect on the life choices
made by an un-laden swallow, neither African
nor Antarctican, which had led him to
believe that Curious George was awful propaganda
, since the Man in the Yellow Hat
looks somewhat like Mitt Romney.
Hank used cut up tuna can lids
to unravel the simian conspiracy, eventually finding
Gorilla Grodd as the mastermind behind the
September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Osama was
merely indulging his fetish for savage beasts.
A cabal of hyper-intelligent good-looking
Burmese pythons was revealed to be the
yet another faction in this contest of
wills. Gorillas vs Pythons aired
as the most believable thing on FOX
News, becoming far more popular than any
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