Contributor
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Yesterday we had our inaugural 1/month session of a Call of Cthulhu game run by Dungeon Managing Editor James Jacobs. Yes, I know the GM of a CoC game is called a Keeper, but the title "James Jacobs Keepers Call of Cthulhu" just doesn't sound right. :P
So! CoC! I've never played it before, and I'm not big into horror, but I wasn't about to pass up a chance to play a game run by James. And the CoC game is pretty easy to learn. I went in expecting chills and thrills and excellent GMing. I certainly got excellent GMing, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
The group consists of James Jacobs as Keeper, his friend Steve (who doesn't work in the industry and thus get his privacy protected by excluding his last name), Eric Haddock (former web editor for Wizards of the Coast), Erik Mona, Jason Bulmahn, Wesley Schneider, and myself (duh). Wes and I had never played CoC, but everyone else had and they were all very helpful.
We sat down and made our characters. James brought us all together by declaring that we lived in Boston and that we had been invited to join a gentleman's club out on the outskirts of the city. The year was 1928. The history majors and history goobs in the group immediately set about making our characters as realistically tied into the era as possible.
Jason Bulmahn and I independently came up with the idea of creating a Tsarist exile, which immediately bonded our characters. I thought I'd be playing the old man of the group (my character is 63), but Steve trumped me with his Civil War-veteran of 81 years. Erik created a smarmy Southern lawyer. Eric made up a small-press publisher with a misshapen body. Wes created a former Doughboy turned photographer.
After creation, James had us make Luck rolls. Each character in turn arrived at the gentleman's club in order of the Luck roll results (low to high), and my 93% near-botch made me almost late. Which was pretty fairly in character, actually. ;)
So one by one each character arrived and met the others, and it quickly became apparent that there would not be a homogenous mass of PCs. The two crazy Russians (because why play a Tsarist exile if he's not crazy?) formed a bloc (you'll excuse the pun) with Eric's publisher. Wes and Steve's quiet characters kinda did their own things, acting as the glue that held the group together. Erik's lawyer was fairly antagonistic toward much of the group (and pretty much everyone he met who wasn't obviously wealthy or in need of lawyerly services), including the Crazy Bloc (which was another reason the three of us banded together).
Without going into too many details, the session involved a great deal of investigation (as I am led to believe CoC games do), some Prohibition-Era under-the-table drinking, and the random discharge of a firearm (contributed to by said under-the-table drinking).
Oh yeah, and there was a ton of laughter at the session. We didn't meet anything scary, so we basically spent the whole time roleplaying our wacky characters to the hilt.
Character List! Boston, Massachusetts. February 1st-11th, 1928.
Eric: Codwin Mallificent, small-press publisher (Ethereal Press)
Erik: Whitney "Whit" Whittaker, Esq., lawyer
Jason: Dr. Viktor Trapovinski, scientist
Mike: Alexander Gudenov (pun!), novelist-soldier-columnist (Beacon Hill Times and Boston Globe)
Steve: Dr. James Gilbert Mason, pathologist
Wes: Brandon Lindburgh (no relation), photographer (Christian Science Monitor)
Without going into too many details, the session involved a great deal of investigation (as I am led to believe CoC games do), some Prohibition-Era under-the-table drinking, and the random discharge of a firearm (contributed to by said under-the-table drinking).
Oh yeah, and there was a ton of laughter at the session. We didn't meet anything scary, so we basically spent the whole time roleplaying our wacky characters to the hilt.
It's good you got to RP your characters to the hilt now, because in two sessions I expect to see a fifty-percent character turnover rate.
Damn fine game,
GGG
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Contributor
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It's good you got to RP your characters to the hilt now, because in two sessions I expect to see a fifty-percent character turnover rate.
So I've heard. I'm moderately surprised nobody's character died yesterday. I have a feeling, though, that mine will be the first to go (the random discharge of firearm came from Alexander and his love of the captured Luger he keeps in his pocket at all times... oh, and his love of Viktor's distilled spirits...).
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Oh, if he GMs this just right, someone should go stark raving mad very shortly, probably whoever is your best combatant right before a big fight...heh heh heh :), I love this game...
Speaking of turn over rates just be glad your not playing Paranoia, another fine, fine RPG citizen... and remember happiness is manditory.
Go crazy folks. Oh yeah, don't forget to look over your shoulder.
Oh, if he GMs this just right, someone should go stark raving mad very shortly, probably whoever is your best combatant right before a big fight...heh heh heh :), I love this game...
Speaking of turn over rates just be glad your not playing Paranoia, another fine, fine RPG citizen... and remember happiness is manditory.
I once played in a game of Paranoia that had a 150% casualty rate before we left the briefing room....
GGG
Go crazy folks. Oh yeah, don't forget to look over your shoulder.
Easy enough with your head twisted 180 degrees from it's normal position.
GGG
Director of Game Design
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FREA-KIN' SWEET!
That pretty much sums up my thoughts.
Oh, does Erik sound more like Foghorn Leghorn or Kevin Spacey in 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil'?
Definitely Kevin Spacey...
And I am personally quite sure that we are all going to end up dead.. if not from some horrible monster from beyond space and time, then from one of our tremendously bad ideas, like trying to break into the Order's HQ with a pair of drunk armed russians and a deformed small press occult publisher...
Back to my experiments, Komrad
Jason Bulmahn
Managing Editor of Dragon
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Mike,
Since you and Wes have never played CoC before, here are some rules-of-thumb that we came up with back in a college CoC game...
Rule 1) Never stand in the front of the group! That means you are leading your friends into certain doom and you will have to push though/trip them to run away.
Rule 2) Never stand in the back of the group! That means the chthonic nasties will be slithering right up behind you, and surprise!, you are now the new front! (c.f. Rule 1)
Rule 3) Never stand in the middle of the group! If you do, you are penned in by those in front and back. Either way, you have to spend valuable fleeing time and energy pushing through/tripping your fellows to get away.
Rule 4) When investigating a house/compound/cavern and you find steps leading down...DO NOT GO DOWN!! Only bad things come from going down into the basement/cellar/sub-level/dungeon/oubliette! Dark things creep in caverns deep!
Rule 5) When investigating a house/compound/cavern and you find steps leading up...DO NOT GO UP!! When you go above ground level, you are almost always cutting off your escape paths. Being isolated from an easy way to run away is very, very bad! Also, when you go up, it is almost de facto that you will then have to go down (c.f. Rule 4).
Rule 6) When investigating a house/compound/cavern, never volunteer to stay behind with the car. People standing around waiting for their compatriots to return may as well be wearing a "Please eat me, put my brain in a canister, or crack me open and drink my spinal fluid!" sign, dancing a can-can, and ringing a dinner bell.
Rule 7) They may be called 'servitor races', but they are not there to serve you. (a rather sad and nasty mistake made by an aristocratic character in one game)
Rule 8) Never play a priest...they are like neon-lit buffet signs for chthonic nasties.
There were others, but you get the general idea. These are almost definitely not unique to our group and broadly applicable in most sinister game-master situations (I would say any game run by James Jacobs would probably qualify).
Remember, Cthulu saves...in case he gets hungry later.
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Oh, if he GMs this just right, someone should go stark raving mad very shortly, probably whoever is your best combatant right before a big fight...heh heh heh :), I love this game...
Speaking of turn over rates just be glad your not playing Paranoia, another fine, fine RPG citizen... and remember happiness is manditory.
I once played in a game of Paranoia that had a 150% casualty rate before we left the briefing room....
GGG
Only 150%, wow what a nice breifing officer you had....:)
Unlike in most games, in CoC it is usually a bad idea to be the one with a weapon. It just means that either a) you kill all your friends, or b) you get eaten first. Good luck, though...
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Call of Cuthulu survival tips (Gleaned from the web)
- Avoid contact with the 4th Dimension. If at all possible minimize your contact with the third - lying flat helps.
- The circumstances under which it is permitted to shoot friends/colleagues/family members are surprisingly numerous and include; speaking in tongues, unexplained absences, suddenly adopting an 18th century mindset and 'looking funny'.
- Under no circumstances should you learn how to read. If you can already read make sure you do not learn any other languages and insure that all written material you are likely to come into contact with are in a language you can't read.
- Any offer to 'let you experience other dimensions, reality's or points of view should be declined - with lethal force if necessary.
- Always kill the NPC who hired you as the first order of business. He's bound to be either A) A cultist, an Elder God or a Cthuloid monster who is playing the party as pawns before he kills them. B) Some well meaning fool who will go mad by the end of the scenario and bring about the destruction he was originally trying to stop.
- The Following are considered to be dangerous areas and should not be entered without motorized amour and close artillery support: Forests, Mountains, Coastal Areas, Cities, Villages, New England, Deserts, Antarctica, Universities and anywhere underground.
- If your party happens to befriend a depressed artist/musician/writer, destroy everything she has ever written, made or used for inspiration. You'll be saving everyone a lot of trouble.
- Egypt and Antarctica kill off more investigators each year then cancer.
- If in doubt empty your magazine - and then reload and do it again.
- Painstakingly sealed refrigerators are probably painstakingly sealed for a reason.
- If you find a hidden shrine with a throne in it do not sit on the throne - if you do sit on the throne don't light the candles.
- The following things are not to be opened: Books, Tomes, Grimoires, Volumes, Ledgers, Trapdoors, Museum display cases or entertainment establishments built on old burial grounds.
- The Abandoned Mine never is.
- Always conduct your B&Es in broad daylight.
- When the party's native guide runs past you shouting 'Big Wumbago!' don't stick around to find out what a Wumbago looks like.
- The proper use of your hand gun is not on the Cuthuloid monsters. Its for use in slowing down one of your friends when the Cuthuloid monsters are chasing you.
Wow.
Just from reading this thread, I want to go out and learn CoC now.
M
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- The circumstances under which it is permitted to shoot friends/colleagues/family members are surprisingly numerous and include; speaking in tongues, unexplained absences, suddenly adopting an 18th century mindset and 'looking funny'.
- Under no circumstances should you learn how to read. If you can already read make sure you do not learn any other languages and insure that all written material you are likely to come into contact with are in a language you can't read.
- The proper use of your hand gun is not on the Cuthuloid monsters. Its for use in slowing down one of your friends when the Cuthuloid monsters are chasing you.
Amen! Testify!
And Marc, I have to say I am surprised...you seem like a quintessential CoC Keeper.
One more tip, well for Modern Age CoC... An aceteline filled inflatable 'Love Ewe' can bu used as an improvised explosive/door opening device. (Uh, don't ask. Just accept on faith that it works)
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It is possible that you may survive this Mike, physically anyway, I mean hey somebody has to survive to be locked away in the asylum so that the next bunch of suckers... um,intrepid group of investigators can finish the work thats already been started (*conviniant adventure hook*)..!!!
Did I mention...Ilove this game!!!
- Painstakingly sealed refrigerators are probably painstakingly sealed for a reason.
That reminds me of a CoC game back when it was published by Chaosium:
My Character was the knowledge oriented one in our group, and we were about to unravel an evil plot by our late uncle. We found a sinister big cauldron with a lid on it. The whole thing was covered in portentous runes and signs. I advised not to open that thing, and the first thing one of the other ones (an action-oriented type) had to do was of course to open it... Out came a monstrosity nearly killing both of us...It´s one of the often-told war stories around our gaming table.
Stefan
It is still published by Chaosium.
Oh, my bad. I thought of the d20 version (there is one, or am I totally off?) and came to the wrong conclusion there was another publisher for it now. What I meant to say that it was with the old rules, Chaosiums basic roleplaying system, perhaps seven years ago or so.
Stefan
And Marc, I have to say I am surprised...you seem like a quintessential CoC Keeper.
I must admit that my gaming portfolio is extremely narrow...
While having played most of the classic wargames back in the 80's:
- 3rd Reich, Panzerblitz, Squad Leader + expansion sets, Tactics II, Panzer General, Battle of the Bulge, The Longest Day, etc.
...many fantasy board games:
- Starship Troopers, Divine Right, Lord of The Rings, etc.
...and many of the old RPGs:
- Gamma World, Top Secret, D&D 1st Ed. & 2nd Ed., Traveller
Since the late 1980s, I've played nothing else but D&D - only in the Greyhawk campaign world.
I ran a single session of Cyberpunk as an experiment and had lots of discussion with friends about Shadowrun & other games, but no gameplay.
Alas,
M
I'm green with envy :)
Are you playing d20 or Chaosium's version? (or did I miss it above?) Perhaps more importantly, can we still get the d20 version?
CoC has been my favorite RPG ever -- I played a 3-year campaign in college. I was the only one to keep the same character all the way through, surviving shoggoths (dynamite helped), Deep Ones, cultists, Byakhee (though I summoned some of them myself), and all sorts of other nasties, including Nyarlathotep himself.
My character's cowardice was legendary. His quote was "I'm down the hall."
Regards :)
Jack
...The proper use of your hand gun is not on the Cuthuloid monsters. Its for use in slowing down one of your friends when the Cuthuloid monsters are chasing you.
In our campaign, I used my shotgun to blow a fellow character off the side of a mountain. To be fair, he had clearly become deranged and was toting a Tommy gun.
That cost me SAN. CoC is so twisted :)
Jack
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Contributor
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I'm green with envy :)
Are you playing d20 or Chaosium's version? (or did I miss it above?) Perhaps more importantly, can we still get the d20 version?
It's Chaosium's version. James has 6th edition and leant out some of his 5th edition books to us to make characters (there is almost no notable different between 5th and 6th editions, sayeth James). The d20 version is out of print, but still available if you look in the right place. The Paizo store might even carry it, but I don't know (I haven't looked).
CoC has been my favorite RPG ever -- I played a 3-year campaign in college. I was the only one to keep the same character all the way through, surviving shoggoths (dynamite helped), Deep Ones, cultists, Byakhee (though I summoned some of them myself), and all sorts of other nasties, including Nyarlathotep himself.
My character's cowardice was legendary. His quote was "I'm down the hall."
Well done! :) I don't enjoy playing cowardly characters and I'm very much an action-oriented player. These are two reasons my D&D characters frequently die. These are also two reasons I suspect I'll be making more characters than anyone else in our CoC campaign. ;D
Kobold Press
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My character's cowardice was legendary. His quote was "I'm down the hall."
Well done! :) I don't enjoy playing cowardly characters and I'm very much an action-oriented player. These are two reasons my D&D characters frequently die. These are also two reasons I suspect I'll be making more characters than anyone else in our CoC campaign. ;D
The important thing in CoC isn't whether you play brave characters or cowards (both are fun in the setting). The important thing is to go out with style.
The characters I remember best are always the ones that go insane and take the rest of the party with them, or the ones who say "I'll be staying here in this tunnel to take care of that shoggoth. Go on without me. I'll catch up."
I've played CoC once, and DMed a few times.
Let me tell you... Just reading the damn adventure modules gave me the creeps!
Excellent game (for mood and setting). A mix of Indiana Jones and the X-Files.
Ultradan
...The proper use of your hand gun is not on the Cuthuloid monsters. Its for use in slowing down one of your friends when the Cuthuloid monsters are chasing you.In our campaign, I used my shotgun to blow a fellow character off the side of a mountain. To be fair, he had clearly become deranged and was toting a Tommy gun.
That cost me SAN. CoC is so twisted :)
I ran a CoC game wherein a character got pushed out a window by a ghost, so what does the party do? Return a couple of days later (after recovery) with a couple of weapons.
In the course of that expedition to the haunted house, one character tried to swallow a butcher knife, another shot a fellow party member in the stomach and watched her bleed to death, of course coming out of his possession in time to realize what he did. One of the few characters to survive now is extremely proficient in the use of fire pokers, and carries one with her wherever she goes.
My PLAYERS had nightmares the night after I ran that one...hehehe.
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Chief Creative Officer, Publisher
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Say hello to John, Carl, and the rest of the Hermitic Order (which by the way doesn't mean anything about living alone as an Essene or being sealed away from germs like you might think...shudders at memory)
It's actually "Hermetic," a reference to Hermes Trismegistus, who may or not be Moses, Hermes, Thoth, or all three.
No foolin'.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermes_trismestigus
--Erik
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Creative Director
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It's true! This campaign is indeed the old classic Shadows of Yog-Sothoth! So those of you who have played the adventure before or have read the adventure... pipe down! :-)
If they make it through this campaign, I might just have to inflict Masks of Nyarlathotep on them, although I should be getting a copy of the new adventure Chaosium's just put out (Tatters of the King) any day now...
Please post the session as soon as you can after you play. I'm about to start running CoC in a couple of months and would love to see how a ummm, professional group takes on the wonderful, wonderful (I'm a little sadistic) game.
Awwww... I'm doomed. :(
By the sole virtue of playing CoC, really.
...If they make it through this campaign, I might just have to inflict Masks of Nyarlathotep on them, although I should be getting a copy of the new adventure Chaosium's just put out (Tatters of the King) any day now...
Masks is the best RPG campaign ever, bar none! I'm out of the loop on CoC nowadays, but I definitely need to look into Tatters of the King -- my avatar name (Tatterdemalion) is a Mythos reference, so I'm pretty sure I know what the adventure will be about :)
Regards,
Jack
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Contributor
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I realize now that I never talked about the last session we played of this game (back in early March), but now that we have a third session (played Sunday) under our belts, it's time to update you all.
Quick reminder character list...
Eric H.: Codwin Millificent; printer, Ethereal Press
Erik M.: Whitney "Whit" Whittaker, Esquire; Southern lawyer
Jason: Dr. Viktor Trapovinski; Russian inventor, leading expert on ethereal sciences
Mike (me!): Alexander Gudenov; Russian novelist and newspaper columnist
Steve: Dr. James Gilbert Mason; pathologist
Wes: Brendan Lindburgh; journalist, Christian Science Monitor
*deep breath*
We continued to investigate the Hermetic Order of the Silver Twilight and one night after a meeting we snuck up to the third floor, which we knew existed from looking at the building from the outside but for which we had never found a way up. We found a way up behind a concealed door in the audience chamber and climbed up there (with one fellow always on guard in the large audience room). Therein we found a number of doors bearing different-colored markings of strange geometric designs encased in circles. Whit opened all the doors for us (one at a time) except one made of silver and we found a number of horrific murals and strange rooms with rounded corners (one might suggest non-Eucledian geometry and one might not be far off...?). In one of the rooms we also found a number of books that we "checked out" from the library. Then we made to leave, except someone decided to check the kitchen for a way down, which he found. So down we went, into and beyond the basement, into a deep set of caverns well beneath the house. We found a strange box in the passageways that apparently sent whatever was in it to another place. Alexander volunteered to go for a ride, his trusty Luger at the ready, but he panicked about 30 seconds into the experience and was let out. At the end of the caverns was a massive room with many pits, and from some of the pits issued forth the sounds of humans (or human-like creatures) moaning. Before we could investigate a number of horrible man-like mutants lurched toward us, one with a gun. A gunfight broke out, and in the course of it we also engaged John Scott's assistant (whose name escapes me). The assistant put a bullet through Alexander's cheek before several of us rushed him and sent him to meet his maker. Afterward, we encountered several strange things as we made our way down the hallway Scott's assistant guarded, and Codwin passed out. We encountered John Scott in the final room and engaged him battle. He took an upper hand early by using magic to drive many of us crazy (poor Brendan was compelled to sully his immortal soul, but thankfully Alexander was able to stop him long enough for him to snap out of it). Eventually, Dr. Mason wrested away John Scott's cane, and we were able to quickly subdue him thereafter. The next day, we arrived with dynamite and put an end to the Boston branch of the Hermetic Order.
That all happened in session 2.
In session 3, Viktor began experimenting with the box we discovered by placing various animals within. They disappeared after 1 minute. Then he put in water. It disappeared. Then he began putting in a number of other things, such as his wastebasket. Some of it disappeared and some did not. After a day of this, however, he opened the box to discover a snake (instead of the rabbit he had placed in the box) and then a couple minutes later opened it again to find a letter that said, "Dr. Trapovinski, we know what you're doing. Cease and desist." (Or something to that effect.) Viktor was understandably shaken.
"How do they know my name?"
"Because you put your wastebasket contents in, Viktor. With your mail. Addressed to you."
"They know where I live?!?!?"
So Alexander—being a good friend, crazy, and a little too brave for his own good—volunteered to enter the box and journey to the other end, whatever the outcome. As an aside, in the days that Viktor had experimented with the box Alexander had gone shopping (several times) and acquired, in addition to his trusty Luger, three 10-ga shotguns (one of which he gave to Viktor), two Colt 1911 .45 ACPs, a Springfield '03 30-06 rifle, hundreds of rounds of ammunition, a half-dozen flashlights (which he passed around to his friends), a bayonet for the Springfield, a couple of pocket knives, and a crowbar. He took everything he could with him in the box (which amounted to one shotgun, the Colts, his Luger, a flashlight, the bayonet, the pocket knives, and the crowbar. He also took a Thompson submachine gun purchased for him by Whit, with the assurance that it was a "good kind," as opposed to "one of the ones you could buy off the street" (meaning that Whit promised it was a fully automatic weapon instead of a semi-auto). With a last shot of Vodka for courage, into the box Alexander went.
Two minutes later, a number of vials containing a strange gray liquid appeared within in the box, in addition to the the recently emptied shotgun. Twenty minutes later, Viktor opened the box to discover Alexander's severed head blasted through with four gunshot wounds. (Incidentally, Whit lied. It was a semi-auto.)
So the group headed to New York to confront Carl Stanford, founder of the Boston branch of the Hermetic Order. Viktor devised a way to seal the box and left it in the corner of a warehouse from which he rented a bit of space (he also put a safe there with the gray liquid vials inside... the gray liquid turned out to be a particularly virulent strain of Bubonic Plague).
In NYC, they hunted down a place where weekly meetings occurred in which Carl Stanford was usually in attendance. Details are sketchy to me, as I was distracted with other tasks. Eventually, though, they met a man who asked them to investigate these meetings. To ensure their safety, as well as their compliance, he also assigned to them a slim but muscular Chinese man by the name of Syaoran Li (who had the look of a PC... er... "Investigator"... about him).
So into a trapezoidal building for a monthly meeting we went. At the end of the meeting, Whit talked his way into a more secretive arrangement, bringing along Syaoran as his "Chinese servant." Mr. Li didn't like the way Whit refereed to him in that way, but he understood the need for such a deception. We were led down a long and twisting hallway and were told to wait outside a door. Twenty minutes later, Dr. Mason (playing Whit's grandfather) and Codwin (playing his assistant) arrived, and the four of us were led through the door into a room full of strange machines from the future (literally... it was some sort of time-traveling cult from which Syaoran bought cool red sunglasses and the others bought more useful things). A man entered with four guards and they all pulled syringes full of gray liquid. Whit reacted quickly...
"Wait! I thought we were here to discuss legal matters."
"What we're about to do is far from legal."
A battle ensued. The man escaped, but his guards did not. We chased him into a room with a strange machine that looked like some kind of engine and a giant vat. Two guards shot at us with future-rifles. Whit, however, turned out to be a crack shot and took them down with a few well-placed rounds. We then chased the man into the room, and although he successfully shot Syaoran he was unable to bring down the Kung Fu Master (yes, really). We attempted to subdue him, but ultimately Whit had no choice but to empty a 20-round clip from one of the future-rifles into the guy.
Meanwhile, Brendan and Viktor attempted to make a distraction by setting the building on fire and charging in through the front door. They encountered four more guards, two of whom they were able to subdue and two of whom escaped. A vicious firefight broke out, and Viktor fell mostly dead to the floor. Fortunately for him, he was hiding behind a thick wood podium, and didn't quite die.
Anyway, we met up with Brendan and Viktor just as the firemen arrived and the final guard committed suicide. And that's pretty much where the game ended...
Wait... you actually went into the box?! That's wonderful! A terrible idea, mind, but wonderful!
Remember, curiousity is a fatal flaw in CoC. The fatal flaw, even.
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So I learned. :D Bravery is not to be encouraged in CoC, methinks. ;)Wait... you actually went into the box?! That's wonderful! A terrible idea, mind, but wonderful!
Remember, curiousity is a fatal flaw in CoC. The fatal flaw, even.
I think the key is mostly act scared--crazy scared--so the keeper keeps you around longer to prove his Cthulhu's are scary.
Wait... you actually went into the box?! That's wonderful! A terrible idea, mind, but wonderful!
Remember, curiousity is a fatal flaw in CoC. The fatal flaw, even.
So I learned. :D Bravery is not to be encouraged in CoC, methinks. ;)
Words of wisdom. I might mention that, when I played, I encouraged curiousity on the part of others in the group -- very useful :)
Jack
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Words of wisdom. I might mention that, when I played, I encouraged curiousity on the part of others in the group -- very useful :)Jack
Yes. Just like in real life, let those other space capsule monkeys test out the hybrid cars before YOU buy one. Friggin they're made on Yuggoth, just like that Yugo was.
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Yes. Just like in real life, let those other space capsule monkeys test out the hybrid cars before YOU buy one. Friggin they're made on Yuggoth, just like that Yugo was.
I owned a Yugo A-Mi-Go once. Yep. Not very fashionable, but the factory standard brain canister was a strong selling point.
Oh, and congrats on being the first fatality, Mike! At least you went out in a good way. Dying with a tentacle up your orifice is no way for a man to die...