It’s a good thing that H. P. Lovecraft is already dead (notwithstanding the strange aeons), because if he ever saw Cthentacle, and how it quite literally perverted his Mythos, he would have been driven stark raving mad, probably unto suicide, in a manner not unlike most of his literary protagonists. Of course, being the sort of guy he was, I imagine that’s how Howard would have wanted to go.

The above was my first thought upon looking over the Cthentacle card game, from Postmortem Studios.

Cthentacle is the sort of card game you play when nudie decks alone aren’t enough. No, in this game, each player has a female character, and the object of the game is to have the Great Old Ones violate the other characters until they’re incapacitated. The last girl standing (or rather, still dressed and with some scrap of dignity) wins. Needless to say I really wish I’d had this card game during my best friend’s bachelor party a while back.

The manner of play is fairly simple and very easy to learn. Each character has a character card (being one of six possible girls), which is double-sided with an image of the girl clothed and poised; the flipside is that same girl naked and post-tentacle-violated. The way game-play works is players go in turns, with each person taking a card from the draw pile, and subsequently playing one card on their turn. Most of the cards are number cards, with values ranging from 1 to 5. In order to drive another player out, the character card needs to have sequential number cards played on it (that is, it needs to have a 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 card all played on it). Once the 5 card is played on it, the girl card is flipped over to her post-coital image, and that player is out.

Of course, if that was all there was to the game it’d be fairly boring, hence the two other types of cards, both of which have special effects, unlike number cards. SP cards can be played in lieu of a number card; these usually have some sort of continuous effect, such as letting you draw a second card each turn, or can be activated later to change something. Opposite those are ! cards (yes, that’s an exclamation point) which can be played at any time, even during another player’s turn.

Not counting the character cards, there are forty number cards (eight of each number), eight SP cards, and eight ! cards, for a total deck size of fifty-six, making for enough cards that games should be sufficiently different each time you play. There are also card-sized copies of the rules, and card-backs.

Of course, the actual play mechanics probably aren’t going to be what gets your attention at first. Rather, it’s all about the pictures! Illustrated by the artist known Darkzel, every card is in full color, and revels in perversity. The pictures are slightly cartoonish, but I suspect that’s purposeful given the less-than-serious nature of the cards. For example, each card has a title, such as “O R’LEYH?” or “Great Race of Yiff,” and corresponding picture. It’s worth noting that, for the number cards, each card shows one of the girls from the character cards, and as the numbers get higher, the girls get into more and more erotic situations. For example, on the 1 card “Interesting Reading” the girl is blushing as she looks at an open book, whereas the 4 card “Horndog of Tindalos” shows another girl having sex with the mostly-shapeless monster. Most of the ! cards are of the girls also, whereas the SP cards show other characters or items.

Ultimately, the hardest part of reviewing Cthentacle was trying to decide if it’s more fun to look at, or to play. The actual game itself is quite sound and engaging, but the over-the-top raunchy pictures are what really make it worthwhile. Considering the grandiose and self-serious nature of most post-modern card games (particularly the collectible ones) it’s quite fun to play a nonsensical game about tentacles molesting women – a not-so-subtle jab at the standard tropes of summoning monsters or drawing mana. Presuming it won’t offend anyone’s sensibilities (which is a fairly big presumption here), I heartily recommend introducing Cthentacle to your friends; it puts the “cool” back in “tentacool.”