paizo.com - Urban Adventures: The Road to Revolution #4 -- Puncture the Blackened Vein (OGL) PDF


prashant panavalli (Pathfinder Roleplaying Game, Pathfinder Adventure Path, Pathfinder Companion Subscriber), Thu, Apr 23, 2009, 02:42 PM

A bit unimpressed with this adventure so far, especially the naming conventions- seems very early Gygaxian, the same with some of the language. I think it needs another edit. The continuity from the previous adventures seem rather tenuous and some of the plotline is haphazard and hard to follow (mind, this is just an initial impression, might change my mind on a more thorough read).


Louis Agresta (Contributor), Thu, Apr 23, 2009, 06:47 PM

prashant panavalli wrote: A bit unimpressed with this adventure so far, especially the naming conventions- seems very early Gygaxian, the same with some of the language. I think it needs another edit. The continuity from the previous adventures seem rather tenuous and some of the plotline is haphazard and hard to follow (mind, this is just an initial impression, might change my mind on a more thorough read). Hey prashant! I do hope you change your mind as you read farther, as we've introduced a few innovative mechanics I think are fun. IM (biased) O, of course. Something you should know: the adventure was specifically requested to be a break from the primary story of the adventure path. So you are absolutely spot on that its loosely connected to the one before and, consequently, more stand-alone. That's as requested. Looking forward to more of your insights (especially in regard to the climactic mega-battle) when you finish reading! - Lou


The Jade (Pathfinder Adventure Path Charter Subscriber), Mon, Apr 27, 2009, 08:30 AM

prashant panavalli wrote: A bit unimpressed with this adventure so far, especially the naming conventions- seems very early Gygaxian, the same with some of the language. I think it needs another edit. The continuity from the previous adventures seem rather tenuous and some of the plotline is haphazard and hard to follow (mind, this is just an initial impression, might change my mind on a more thorough read). Hi Prashant. The names and story outline were mine, just so you'll know where to chuck dem tomatahs. ;) In the Great City setting, I chose a naming convention that hovered somewhere between American Colonial and Herman Melville. It's quite consistent, but hey, if the name Gygax gets brought up, no problem there! I adore Gary. Speaking of which, I can't believe the only two times I went to Gen Con, thus far, I got to meet both Gary and Dave during their last attendances. I only met them because I went, I only went because I joined the Werecabbage writing group, and that only happened because a rather good adventuring idea of mine got noticed on the Paizo forums. Paizo = fulfillment. Well didn't we always suspect that? However, I never would have seen that order of events coming. By the time you finish the adventure, you'll reach other tie-ins to the rest of the arc, but if they're not strong enough for your campaign, just let me know and I'll write up and customize a few extra bridges for you. No worries, and a sincere thank you for taking the time to comment!


prashant panavalli (Pathfinder Roleplaying Game, Pathfinder Adventure Path, Pathfinder Companion Subscriber), Mon, Apr 27, 2009, 11:13 AM

Thank you both for responding. I am still in the process of reading through the adventure. My biggest issue so far is the writing. It seems to be overly verbose and convoluted. I am quoting something below from the adventure. Feel free to remove it if you believe it to be in violation of copyright. Spoiler: A wily seductress, Larina stole Bizby away to the Brandy Foxes’ pied-à-terre along Holy Way, where he lay, languorously spent and smiling for days. When she finished with him, Bizby was her devoted slave. Larina bided her time then struck: she informed her new lover that Fusker robbed the Helmate counting house, castigating Bizby for his weakness. Larina then quelled the horrified accountant’s heavy heart, deluding him with a plan to atone for his ‘betrayal’ of the Helmates. She claimed, out of love, to have planted a bomb beneath Lake Idyll in Pantheon Gardens. Handing Bizby the key to detonating it, she pledged that collapsing the lake would create the perfect site for Adhelmus Oxda’s own temple, sidestepping Lord Erasmus’ prohibition against disturbing the idyllic park, and fulfilling the Helmates’ fondest wish. Far from declaring him traitor, Larina whispered, they would hail Bizby a Helmate hero. I understand the point of what is written above; however it can be written more clearly and cleanly. The sentence structures appear very awkward in places and has a lot of unnecessary adverbs and verbiage.


Louis Agresta (Contributor), Tue, Apr 28, 2009, 01:29 PM

prashant panavalli wrote: Thank you both for responding. I am still in the process of reading through the adventure. My biggest issue so far is the writing. It seems to be overly verbose and convoluted. I am quoting something below from the adventure. Feel free to remove it if you believe it to be in violation of copyright. spoiler omitted I understand the point of what is written above; however it can be written more clearly and cleanly. The sentence structures appear very awkward in places and has a lot of unnecessary adverbs and verbiage. Hey Prashant, I hear you. The piece could have used an editor like James or Wes. Hell, who couldn't use an editor like that? There are two other things of which you should be aware: 1) in the handouts, Bizby is sometimes given the wrong last name (Auderumf), from a previous version; and 2) diagram #1 (the swinging chain pattern) is incorrect. 0onegames will be issuing corrections, if they haven't already. Looking forward to hearing what you think when you've finished reading it!