Russell Taylor

Eluraelon
“The Sheltering Ring”
Alignment: Neutral
Capital: Eluraelon Island (pop. 2,600, human)
Notable Settlements: Antata (pop. 5,700, human), Ronjir (pop. 850, human), The Reef (pop. 1,200, sea elf)
Population: 27,500 above water, primarily human with a handful of gnomes, halflings and surface elves. 8,000 sea elves and 700 locathah live in the lagoon, along with the occasional half-sea elf. The majority of the islands are populated by the original human natives of the atoll. The non-native population is concentrated on Eluraelon Island and Ronjir.
Rulers: Rorik Kandalos, High Arcanist; Amalina Greycloak, Seer Beyond the Veil; Petros of Orthat, Speaker for the Merchants.
Government: Oligarchy comprised of representatives from the Arcanist’s Guild, Assemblage of Seers and the Merchant’s Consortium. Each of the three ruling guilds appoints one of their own to serve upon the Triumvirate. All three of the current Triumvirate are non-native humans, as are the majority of their guilds.

Description: Located just north of the equator within the remote reaches of the Western Sea, Eluraelon is comprised of the 57 coral islands making up Eluraelon Atoll. The islands range in size from 4 miles by 2 miles for Eluraelon Island to sandy outcroppings barely exposed at high tide.
Eluraelon’s location makes it a useful refitting and supply station for merchants plying the routes of the Western and Southern Seas, but it would have remained a small and relatively obscure port were it not for the Arcanist’s Guild. The mages of the Guild found the atoll uniquely suited for magical research due to its equatorial location and small population, leaving it free of contaminating arcane influences. The Guild owns the desolate northern island of Ronjir, and allows entry only to Guild members and their geased servants. Their demand for reagents and taste for luxury accounts for much of the trade that is the lifeblood of the islands.
The native human population is concentrated on the island of Antata, much poorer and more crowded than the neighboring Eluraelon Island. Many natives make a daily trip to the capital, serving as servants and laborers in exchange for a handful of copper coins.
Eluraelon Island is both the largest island and the capital. It is dominated by a large harbor, built on the lagoon side of the island. The homes of the wealthier merchants are built along the ocean side, and the temples and observatories of the Assemblage of Seers are clustered at its southern tip.
The lagoon itself is home to a number of sea elf towns and villages. The largest of these is known as simply as “The Reef” in Common, a beautiful town sculpted in the living reef. Dolphin-mounted sea elf patrols keep the lagoon safe from dangerous predators, whether animal, monstrous or human.
The primary export of Eluraelon is food, sold to trading vessels stopping at the islands. They also sell fresh water, but as supplies are limited few captains are willing to meet the asking price. Native human and sea elf artisans make a modest profit selling their works to visiting ships as curiosities.
The island nation relies on visiting ships for nearly all luxuries and crafted items. Even the wizards of the Arcanist’s Guild rely on trading vessels for the majority of their needs, as importing via magic is beyond the means of the majority of the Guild.

DM Secrets: The lagoon inside the island ring of Eluraelon is scattered with underwater ruins, once the cities and temples of a great sahuagin kingdom. The sahuagin were driven out centuries ago by an alliance forged between sea elves, merfolk and locathah. The sahuagin still lurk in the ocean depths outside of Eluraelon, their strength waxing over long years. Promises of dark power and unlimited treasure have gained the sahuagin allies amongst their racial enemies, and these traitorous elves are scouring the ancient ruins, searching for the lost Trident of the Leviathan, an ancient relic of the sahuagin lost in the fall of their cities. The sahuagin have established a number of small outposts inside the lagoon in preparation for their war of retribution.

Tilanta, a member of the Assemblage of Seers, has spent years studying the trajectory of falling stars. She has charted the course of a meteor that she believes will impact in the ocean only a few hundred miles from Ronjir, and seeks escorts to aid her in its recovery. Tilanta is unaware that the meteor is being called to this location by the rituals an undersea cult of diabolists led by a powerful kraken. The cult plans to use the unearthly metals of the meteor to brew and spread an alchemical blight through the ocean, sacrificing thousands in a blasphemous ritual.

Piracy has been a thorn in the side of Eluraelon for some time. While the atoll itself has been quite safe for shipping, the past year has seen a steady increase in pirate attacks in the open ocean outside the atoll. Zemthir, owner of a cash-strapped shipping line, has suffered more than most from the attacks. In truth, Zemthir is in league with the pirates, and targeted his own ships in order to avoid suspicion. As a result of his outspoken calls to put an end to the pirate menace, Zemthir has been put in charge of coordinating Eluraelon’s efforts against the pirates by the Triumvirate. He has been feeding the pirate captains regular information on shipping schedules and naval operations, all the while squirreling away his ill-gotten gains and plotting his flight from the island.

Conditions on Antata are appalling. The island has far more population than it can easily sustain, but the prospect of earning hard coin on Eluraelon Island brings in more of the outlying native population every year. A charismatic young man named Rongelan has been fanning the flames of unrest on Antata. He preaches the need to return to the old ways, and rid the islands of the corrupting foreigners.

Submission checklist:

Submitted on time? Check.
Submission is a "country"? Check.
Submission contains all of the mandatory content as required by the contest rules? Check.
Submission is within the word limit? Check. 981.
Submission is free of inappropriate content in violation of the "taboo" guidelines? Check.
Submission does not use content from a source other than those listed? Check.
Submission does not reference a published campaign setting? Check.
Submission does not include maps or art? Check.
Submission is a suitable setting for roleplaying with the d20 system? Check.
Submission is not a "joke" or otherwise completely fails to meet the minimum requirements of the competition or other contest rules? Check.

The comparison to Olanra, the country of undersea enchantment, is inevitable as both emphasize oceanic cultures. So I'm just going to do the side-by-side.

I like both countries, but personally, I think the writeup of Eluraelon comes out on top for four reasons:

1) More emphasis on the surface: the use of atolls and sea elves works better than an entirely undersea setting for mainline D&D gameplay.
2) More concrete details: The throwaway mentions of things like "dolphin-mounted sea elf" patrols does a lot to define Eluraelon.
3) More reasons to visit: Both cultures use arcanists as a lure to draw PC visits, but Eluraelon does more with it.
4) Stronger hooks. The plots here are easily to implement.

The strength of the prose is also slightly better here. Craft counts.

Recommended for Top 16.

Fluff (writing, grammar, style, evocative prose, etc.): B
The Good: Reasonably well written. No glaring gaffes.
The Bad: Not grabbing me, though.

Crunch (basics, rules issues, depth of the setting, details, etc.): C+
The Good: Some interesting references such as the trident and the rituals of the diaoblists.
The Bad: No real true crunch, and it could have been useful.

Design (choices made, format, naming, originality, theme, balance--ie, is the submission heavy in one part but lacking in another?): B-
The Good: Pretty standard formatting. The names are good. There are things going on above and below the waves, which is important in a setting like this. Too often, the setting focuses on one or the other. Good balance between the description and the DM secrets.
The Bad: The originality isn’t that compelling—some islands with sea elves and sahuagin, what a shocker! There is a kraken and pirates. I’m sure somewhere there is a tropical island with dinosaurs. Never really found a theme or angle that separated it from the crowd. It is unique in that it uses its aquatic setting. Aside from that, however, there is very little about THIS aquatic setting that is unique.

Play (setting for adventure? campaign? is there conflict? are there play limitations?): B
The Good: Pretty accommodating for a water-based setting. Not seeing tons of limitations. In fact, there are some good options here.
The Bad: These type of settings can be a bit limited.

Tilt (my personal take, is it evocative? do I want to play there? does it capture my imagination?): B-
The Good: Well done for an underwater setting with good above-water setting options as well.
The Bad: Never found a theme or an angle that made it unique. Pretty generic.

Overall: B-
An aquatic setting that is interesting, but too generic in the end.

Hesitantly RECOMMENDED for top 16.

For starters I think an atoll kingdom is an interesting choice that definitely sets Eluraelon apart from many of the more standard submissions in this contest. I like the idea of the secluded arcanists guild, and the throw-away reference the isle of Ronjir being the exclusive domain of guild mages and their geased servants tickled the "cool" reaction I always pay attention to when reviewing submissions (for this contest or for Paizo as a whole).

The submission is marred considerably by overuse of the passive voice. Here's an example of passive construction that could be tightened, thus improving the essay:

"The homes of the wealthier merchants are built along the ocean side, and the temples and observatories of the Assemblage of Seers are clustered at its southern tip."

How about: "Wealthier merchants build their homes along the ocean side, while the temples and observatories of the Assemblage of Seers cluster at the island's southern tip."

I think mine sounds better, and I saved you three words. I'd run that filter over future submissions. It'll make the language seem more immediate and accessible and will make for punchier submissions.

But I still really like the submission. I think you could run a very interesting campaign sojourn to this isle, perhaps while a wizard trains with the Arcanist's Guild or while the party consults a sage in the Seer's Assemblage. The DM's Secrets section provides plenty of meaty ideas to fill up such a campaign arc. I especially like the one about falling stars and the kraken cult. That's good mojo.

So, I like the submission, but there is a LOT of passive construction that keeps it from being as good as it could be. My sense is that a punchy edit would make this clearly one of the better submissions of this round, but you don't get the luxury of an editor until after you've managed to win the contest.

So, despite some problems with the language that I'll be hoping Russ improves on in the future, I think this entry deserves promotion to the next round.

Great job Russ. Atolls are neat, just ask Wikipedia.

This was a pretty interesting country, I'd place it somewhere in the middle of all the (six or so) entries that I have read so far.

While having a portion of the country on the surface may make it more accessible to PC's I still find myself liking the completely undersea country of Olanra better.

Things I liked:
That it is an oligarchy, ruled by the guilds
The sea elf settlements on the coral reef
The wizard controlled island

Things I did not like:
The pirate story hook. I know people love pirates, but I feel they are way overdone at this point.

~Rusty

Thanks for the feedback, folks. I really appreciate the comments. I hope to see you all again in the next round.

I must admit that of the two watery kingdoms, I like the mixture of above and below better than all below.

I think this one is in my top ten.

Of course I only get to vote for 5.

This caught my attention and held it. However, it exports food? Should that read "fish"?

While nautical settings normally aren't my thing, this one was enough to really grab my attention. Mostly I dig the hook--small nowhere fishing and trade town that catches the attention of arcanists who need a place that's magically uncorrupted, in a way that reminded me of how astronomers build their telescopes out in the middle of nowhere so they can better see the stars away from the smog and lights of the city. What a wonderful concept. So then they take over, and where the trade was originally pretty boring before, it becomes reagents and other goods peddled to eccentric wizards. That's just cool. Plus I like that the town has this really salty, driftwood and pier feel to it. I like that. The smattering of undersea ruins is a nice touch too. I think I'll keep a bookmark in this one and maybe come back to it. Nice stuff. I especially appreciate how you didn't take the opportunity to go for something super out there, that you tried to keep things real and grounded. There is so much uberscale I've noticed so far in a lot of these submissions. This, on the other hand, feels like the sort of place people could actually be from.

This has a shot at earning a vote from me so far (I have only read 3 entries at this point).

I like it, plain and simple. Without going into too much detail, the bottom line is I could easily see myself importing this into my homebrew.

This one has a shot for me.

I like the fact that aside from name of the country itself, which I don’t really care for, the others names are flavorful and fun.

The diverse population, especially the inclusion of water cultures is pretty creative and allows for all sorts of game play potential. “Geased servants” on the arcane island though doesn’t really mean a whole lot and seems a bit contrived.

The “Sheltering Ring” is lost on me. (but I am not that bright)

I had an issue with the “food” for income thing also but only because it seems as though there would need to be LOTS of shipping to earn enough money/goods to keep a population of 27,000+ people in good stead. I know some of them are poor and would get the bottom of the barrel, etc. but something just doesn’t jive for me here.

The whole meteor blight thing is too much like Savage Tides for me.

Rongelan seems like a last minute addition and there is little in the way of flavor with the addition of that “traditionalist”.

I love pirates but I don’t even use them myself because I just see them everywhere.

With all that said I still like it. The first one out of three. It is creative and the names are cool. The writing is well done and it was fun to read. Mostly I think it would be fun to play a character in Eulearon (still don’t like the name though).

Well written the more I read it.

Forged Goo adventure scale: Good
I thought of a few adventures that could take place here even before I got to the DM’s secrets and after I read that I felt as though I could almost build a small campaign around the secrets. How can you infiltrate the arcane island pretending to be geased? Are the Seers secretly trying to wrest power from the arcanists and have gone in-league with the sahaugin as a result? Are the sahaugin somehow causing the meteors to fall closer and closer to the islands?

Good Job,
Goo

Finally, someone using the DM Secrets section! The sahuagin tidbit's a yawner, sad to say. The falling star bit is kind of interesting, but would have been cooler had it been a living thing rather than some alchemical taint that has become overwhelmingly cliche in Warh... some other game. I have no objection to pirates plaguing an atoll and was amused by the clever twist revealed here. Antata's unrest is intriguing, but I'd like more information on Rongelan. Is he native?

The actual writing is only okay and suffers from redundant redundancy. "Serving as servants"? "The largest of these is known as simply as “The Reef” in Common, a beautiful town sculpted in the..." wait for it... "living reef."

Interesting, full of conflict and opportunities for adventure, but perhaps just a little too predictable for me. Right now it falls on the bubble. Thanks for letting me read your work.

Coral Islands. This looks like a solid entry to me. I prefer it to the other island chain entry I have read, it seems that a bit of thought has gone into the interaction between the above water and under water civilisations. And an island/ocean based nation that does deal with sea travel! Points. This entry also made good use of the DM Secret section I think.

I don’t have an issue with the use of sahuagin or pirates. Sure, they are somewhat expected in this kind of setting, but they are expected because they make sense. Chances are that if this sort of country existed, it would be preyed on by pirates. And as for evil, undersea dwelling humanoids, you could either ignore them entirely, or use what the srd gives you: sahuagin.

I really like this country. If I hadn't been booted out of the contest, my country would have been very similar, even to the point of having a major plot point based on falling stars, pirates, and kraken.

This entry read like the most professional to me. It seemed like a real place that was being described, with a quiet confidence that didn't rely on fancy writing or super gonzo ideas.

@Clark Peterson: Just out of curiosity; what kind of crunch did you expect in a country-description? These are all about fluff, aren't they? And the word count was really limited so that I really can't see how crunchy stuff could have been included in it without lacking vital informations on the country itself.

Hum. There were bunch of fascinating tidbits around for me to exploit but in general I didn't really get any feel from the country. Should we compare the two aquatic entries, this is easier to use but I like the other better.

I like this one, and far from turning me off, the use of pirates and sahuagin make me like it more.

This is definitely the better of the two acquatic countries.

This is in my fifth spot at the moment, warring with two others.

- Ashavan

Some of the writing jolted me a bit like "serving as servants" and
"lost Trident of the Leviathan, an ancient relic of the sahuagin lost".

The plot hook about underwater treasure makes me wonder why the sea elves haven't plundered it yet.

I can picture this place and it looks cool. I like the natives being used (although it's common) but it didn't come out that exciting for me. It almost seems to D&Dish (not sure if that's a bad thing). I might have dumped the sea elves and had the constant threat of sahuagin (or worse) attack.

Good luck!

Interesting setting: tropical atolls, undersea ruins, pirates, and a nice mix of races. Reminds me a bit of a fantasy Blue Planet.

Meh, not as exotic as I was hoping for, but a nice write-up nonetheless. Just for sheer potential, this might still make my top 5...

Very cool, I like it. Creative use of politics in the story, and I like the thread about the falling meteor. T'would be a fun place to explore. It would be even more interesting if the pirates were not the usual pirates, but unusual somehow, the pirate story lines have been milked pretty hard lately.

I have just finished reading the 32 entries. I am not going to comment on any of them. My vote will be my comment. I must, however, make a complaint.

I do not think it is fair to any of the 32 finalists for Erik, Wolfgang or Clark to compare any entry to another when they make their recomendations for the Top 16. That is just plain rude.

As fair and impartial judges, you should limit your comments to what you believe are the pros and cons of the entry and tell us your recomendation. Let the readers compare the settings and make their own decisions.

Thank you.

While nautical settings normally aren't my thing, this one was enough to really grab my attention. Mostly I dig the hook--small nowhere fishing and trade town that catches the attention of arcanists who need a place that's magically uncorrupted, in a way that reminded me of how astronomers build their telescopes out in the middle of nowhere so they can better see the stars away from the smog and lights of the city. What a wonderful concept. So then they take over, and where the trade was originally pretty boring before, it becomes reagents and other goods peddled to eccentric wizards. That's just cool. Plus I like that the town has this really salty, driftwood and pier feel to it. I like that. The smattering of undersea ruins is a nice touch too. I think I'll keep a bookmark in this one and maybe come back to it. Nice stuff. I especially appreciate how you didn't take the opportunity to go for something super out there, that you tried to keep things real and grounded. There is so much uberscale I've noticed so far in a lot of these submissions. This, on the other hand, feels like the sort of place people could actually be from.