Abandoned One

A young man stands in the mire, his old-fashioned clothes caked in mud and his expression lost and forlorn. Then he is gone, leaving behind a nagging sense that something has been forgotten.

Abandoned One CR 4
XP 1,200
CE M Undead
Init +6; Senses darkvision 60 ft., blindsight 60 ft.; Perception +11

----- Defense -----
AC 17, touch 12, flat-footed 15 (+2 Dex, +5 natural)
hp 37 (5d8+15)
Fort +4, Ref +3, Will +7
Defensive Abilities selective invisibility; Immune undead traits

----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft.
Melee 2 claws +7 (1d8+3), bite +1 (1d4+3)
Special Attack consign to oblivion (DC 15)
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 5th; concentration +8)
3/day—alter self, invisibility, zone of silence

----- Statistics -----
Str 16, Dex 14, Con —, Int 13, Wis 17, Cha 17
Base Atk +3; CMB +6 (+8 grapple); CMD 18 (20 vs. grapple)
Feats Improved Grapple, Improved Initiative, Weapon Focus (claws)
Skills Bluff +8, Perception +11, Sense Motive +11, Stealth +10, Survival +8
Languages Common

----- Ecology -----
Environment any forest or swamp
Organization solitary
Treasure standard

----- Special Abilities -----
Selective Invisibility (Su) An Abandoned One under the effect of its own invisibility loses its invisibility if it attacks, but only with regard to the target of its attack.
Consign to Oblivion (Su) Three times per day, as a standard action, the Abandoned One may cause any one creature within 60 feet to become invisible and its voice inaudible to all but the Abandoned One for 12 hours (DC 15 Will save negates). The target may speak and cast spells as normal, but only the Abandoned One can hear the target’s speech. The target remains tangible and detectible by scent and its movements remain audible. If the Abandoned One is destroyed, the effect immediately ends. Regardless of whether the save succeeds or fails, a creature may only be targeted by this ability once per day. Any creature with prior knowledge of the target must make a DC 15 Will save or lose all memory of the target’s existence for the duration of the effect. Reminders or evidence of the target’s existence will not cause the memory to return; such evidence will be explained away or ignored. If the target is perceived or interacted with, a creature that has failed its Will save will acknowledge the target’s existence but have no memory of their acquaintance. Only the end of the effect will cause the target to be remembered. This memory loss is a mind-affecting, compulsion effect.

Abandoned Ones are the vengeful spirits of members of the Taldan Armies of Exploration who were lost or left behind in the wild places of the world and forgotten as the Armies moved on or retreated. Tied to corporeal form by their fury and pain at their perceived abandonment, they seek to share their torment with any mortal souls that cross their path.

An Abandoned One resembles a living human, but its features are drawn and its skin hard and leathery. Its fingers have become powerful claws and its teeth have grown long and sharp. An Abandoned One haunts deep wilderness areas and sometimes approaches travelers disguised as a lost soldier or an obliging guide, attempting to draw its victims off alone and kill them before their companions remember them. The Abandoned One prefers to target first those who have voiced skepticism about its identity, but will eventually seek to slay any living being it encounters. If confronted with a powerful group, the Abandoned One will approach invisibly and target individuals one by one, relishing their victims’ dismay as their companions forget them.

Initial Impression: Very interesting and unsettling undead inflicting invisibility and memory loss, big concept, but is it really CR 4? I'll have to think about this one. Perhaps a bit too much GM fiat in the memory power. Seems more like a plot point monster for an adventure than a true monster entry.

Welcome to Round 3! I'm posting this little blurb at the top of my reply for everyone. FYI, I'm not going to crunch all the math in your stat block, for several reasons. One, I don't have an hour for each monster. :) Two, I'm sure you've been very diligent about this and if anything is wrong, it's probably only off by a little bit. Three, if you were writing this for publication in a Paizo book, you'd be using our stat block spreadsheet, which takes care of the math for you--your job is to understand the rules and bring the mojo. :) My focus in this review is on the overall coolness and balance of your monster, with an eye on how efficiently you put it together and a spot-check of stat block elements that catch my eye.

I like the idea of this monster. Its theme is creepy and sad, and we don't have many "I died alone" sort of undead so far.

Don't capitalize your monster name in running text, its name is not a feat name. :)

You call these "vengeful spirits," but they're not incorporeal or anything like that, which confused me a little bit.

Your monster has Improved Grapple but doesn't have its prerequisite, Improved Unarmed Strike. Because this is a monster rather than a character, if you wanted it to be grabby, you could just give it the grab ability. However, none of its abilities rely on grapple (it doesn't have swallow whole, or constrict, or anything like that), so grappling is of minimal benefit to it.

These creatures have Int 13, which means they're smarter than a typical human. They really don't need to be any smarter than a regular person, especially as they're supposed to have been regular army guys when they were alive.

The "leads people off one at a time and kills them" is a hard schtick for monsters nowadays, as "don't split the party" is Lesson One in every adventurer school (Lesson Two is "remember to look up"). I get that the consign to oblivion ability is supposed to get around resistance to splitting the party by making your party members forget you, but the problem with that ability is that it's not just affecting the target, it's affecting every single person the target has ever met. Imagine a spell that deals 1 point of fire damage to everyone the target has ever met, Fortitude save negates; that's not a reasonable spell, right? It's not any more reasonable when it's a mind-affecting spell. And even as the affected people will ignore all evidence that the person existed, no matter how strong that evidence is.

It's okay for a monster to have a weird ability that breaks the rules; that's what makes a monster stand out from the crowd of other monsters of its CR. However, it shouldn't break the player's suspension of belief about how the game world works or the magic works, and that's what I think this ability does. If instead it planted a suggestion that the missing character can walked off for some privacy, or created a figment of the character sleeping, I'd totally buy that, but as written eventually you'd have one character sitting alone in a camp with 5 empty bedrolls and 5 extra horses and not realizing something was wrong... as 5 players sit at the table fuming that their characters were killed off one at a time.

I do NOT recommend this monster for advancement.

First impression: The attacks and other stats are pretty much what you'd expect for CR 4, and the disappearance power is a nice gimmick.

This monster essentially forces one player to go sit in another room and not play. Yes, the power is creepy and flavorful, but the design is... Not likely to produce an enjoyably creepy encounter, more likely to be frustrating. I don't think the concept has been thought through enough, and so:

I do NOT recommend this monster for advancement.

Sam, great to see you in Round 3!

Now that I’ve read all 16 entries, I can say that there are some real strong entries here—more strong entries than spots, unfortunately. Some good submissions won’t make the cut. I am only going to recommend 8 of you since only 8 can advance. In close cases, I took into account your prior work.

What I am looking for: I’m a big picture guy more than a minute details guy. I don’t think just seeing if you crunched out the rules properly is the right way to judge a good entry for this round. Of course you need to execute the stat block properly. Luckily, Sean and Wolfgang are way more qualified than I am to talk about the nit picks and issues with the stat block so I will leave that to them. My comments to you will be more “big picture.” For me, I want to see a monster that is fun and playable—a monster that leaps of the page and makes me find a way to incorporate it at the game table. That, to me, is a superstar monster. So here we go…

You got my Initial Impressions above. I still feel the same way about your submission for this round—its more plot device for a specific adventure than it is a new Golarion monster, in my view.

Design (name, overall design choices, design niche, playability/usability, challenge): C-
There are parts of this I love—I love the theme and the way you carried it through in your powers. It’s creepy and funky and unexpected. But this isn’t a book of monsters, it’s Superstar. As Wolfgang notes, this monster is a “you go sit and don’t get to play”/”split the party” kind of monster. Now, I won’t say you can’t ever do one of those in Superstar but it better blow my mind if you do and this one doesn’t. It suggests that you aren’t quite there as a designer yet. I see it as a fatal flaw, I’m sorry to say. This is the kind of design choice that you wouldn’t get back development notes on, you’d get a sticky that said “this doesn’t work.” This might be a memorable encounter, but for its frustration not its excellence. And that comes from an old school guy like me who loves rust monsters and “annoy/scare the hell out of the party” kind of monsters. This is different. That said, I’m still giving you some love for consistence of theme. I do think it bears pointing out that I had this very problem with your Round 1 item—I felt that item was more an item designed for a specific adventure and not having general applicability. It concerns me that this same issue seems not to have been resolved.

Execution (quality of writing, organization, Golarion-specific, use of proper format, quality of content—description, summary of powers, rules execution, mechanics innovation): B
I thought your execution was good, it was your core design concept that was fatally flawed.

Tilt (did it grab me, do I want to use one in an adventure?, mojo, just plain fun factor): B+
I have to admit you have some creepy mojo here.

Overall: B-
Sam, you know my view on this so I don’t need to say it again.

Final Verdict: I DO NOT RECOMMEND this monster advance.

Sam, you know I saw the same problem with your comb that I am seeing here. I thought your archetype was a step forward. This submission, though, seems to be a step back. And while Superstar permits missteps, one thing it requires is for you to learn from your mistakes and so it is concerning to see the same mistake I called out in round 1. That said, it’s up to the voters!

Good luck!

This guy would fit in well in an episode of Doctor Who. He reminds me of a strange cross between the Silence and that episode that they were running from the Crack in Time before getting erased one by one.

I really want to like this monster, but it just doesn't fit into the meta-mechanics of Pathfinder. While the idea behind this creature is really neat, I'd hate to run one as a DM because its abilities hurt players more than characters.

I like the theme of this one. It would have worked well in my Kingmaker campaign in book 3. However, in a revision, I would like to see the consign to oblivion ability removed and replaced with a couple of shorter, but still thematic, abilities that would be a little easier to implement for a GM (like having to deal with an effectively invisible team member). For example, instead of the target becoming invisible, maybe only the target can see the creature as it slowly stalks that character. Still, on theme along, I think it has potential.

The memory modification is something that I have seen in annother monster, that I don't know the name of, that erased everyone's memory of the target when it killed its victim. It has been a huge plot element in one of the games I'm playing in now. I'm not sure how doing it to still living people will work at a game table, but it could be interesting, or horrible. And that second part is the problem with this monster.

I have issues with this monster having invisibility and not losing it when attacking a target. I can see this easily resulting in a TPK against a level 2 or 3 party, so I feel like the CR4 is inappropriate. Its like a modern Doppleganger with improved ability to kill the single target before taking its place.

I really want to like this monster, but Sean is right about the Consign to Oblivion ability. Aside from what he said, requiring someone to make a saving throw means generally means they are now aware that something has or could have affected them, which complicates the ability further.

Also, I find the Selective Invisibility to be OP for the CR of this monster. I realize it isnt something you would need to take into consideration when designing it, but since it is an undead based on a once-living person, it begs for a homebrew GM to tack on some Rogue levels (cause the guy was a scout or something) and give it Sneak Attack so it can abuse the heck out of that ability.

I'm not going to judge whether this should be a monster or a haunt, but I am stealing this idea for my campaign.

Most of the monsters that "cheat" are classic creatures with a history in the game. This could easily be one of those creatures in times to come.

Bravo Sam!

This is a great idea and I actualy disagree with the judges on this one - an encounter with this monster could turn out reall creepy. Imagine it - the affected PC dosen't understand why everyone is ignoring him, when suddenly that mysterious figure he's seen before appears again. The vanishing man says, "I know what happened to you - you were abandoned, just as I was when my brothers in arms left me... for me, it's too late, but you may yet be saved... follow me...". And the PC does, and the monster leads him far away, and then either attacks that PC or sets another trap in motion. Meanwhile, the other players have the nerve wracking task of roleplaying the fact that they forgot all about one of their companions. Awesome stuff. This one gets my vote for sure!

On concept alone, this is my favorite entry of the round. It is the only monster that made me immediately think about how I would use it in my game. It suits my play style and how I approach RPGs.

But I'm NOT going to vote for it, for this very reason. As cool as it is, it is not balanced and does not fit into the game, as a game. It is too "loose" mechanically. These problems may be avoided by the right GM or the right group of players, but they are usually problematic. It is a roleplayer's monster, a cool story monster, that could potentially bring an average game to a screeching halt. My own design work usually has similar problems. I've know for some time that my play style is not the same as how mainstream gamers play the game. Or at least, this play style should not seep into the written rules. I just seemed to keep trying to press my own preference into the rules I wrote. This is fine for our own games, but is not going to break through to the mainstream and is not Superstar. This is subtle sometimes, but I think Clark picked up on it in your wondrous item too.

You might make it through to the next round on this thing's mojo, but in the future this is definitely something you need to watch out for.

Good luck. And if its any consolation, I think you are the kind of player I'd like to have in my group.

While I agree with the judges that this monster doesn't really play well with Pathfinder rules, I am seriously tempted to use the idea in one of my games. I think that the gimmick of essentially temporarily removing one of the party members from the party is a really neat idea if it is done well. I'll have to think about it more, before I attempt to use it in game.

I haven't had a chance to finish reading all of the other submissions, but I can tell you it isn't looking good for this one to get one of my votes. I really like the idea behind it, but I'm not crazy about the execution... It isn't a clear "no vote" but there are some other very strong monster designs and I have three more to look at. I think I may end up having to go back and look at your previous submissions if it comes down to this one versus another for my last vote.

Good luck!

Lord Snow, I agree that what you describe absolutely sounds like how this monster was intended, but ask yourself this:
What if the monster attacked?

Suddenly, you're dealing with one party member who cannot be helped by the other party members. And worse, the GM then has to run two groups - the guy stuck invisible for a full adventuring day, and the rest of the party.

There's another exploit, too: a cleric can control one of these, and give himself invisibility from a party! "Die necroma - wait, why am I shouting. The room is empty. Let's go home. OH GOD, WHY DO THESE UNEXPLAINABLE INJURIES KEEP OPENING ALL OVER MY BODY?"

I wanted to like this creature, I did, but that is a huge flaw that needs to be fixed. And the worst part is that it's totally fixable! Just remove the worldwide memory wipe, and have it turn one party member invisible, and not for a day.

Naming: Solid. Evocative more than descriptive. Conjures associations. SA are well-named too.

Fun Factor: I'm going to have to massively disagree with the judges on this one.

This is in no way fatally flawed, it's a swing for the fences idea that merely needs some adjustment in its execution. Several simple adjustments have been suggested in the thread. Certainly easier to fix than some lesser ideas that have been recommended.

This is a monster players would talk about for many sessions to come.

I'm probably voting for this on concept alone.

The problem I have with this creature is that I read the consigned to oblivion ability and thought 'why wouldn't I want to Command Undead one of these and spend the majority of an adventuring day invisible to a wide number of opponents?

The problem I have with this creature is that I read the consigned to oblivion ability and thought 'why wouldn't I want to Command Undead one of these and spend the majority of an adventuring day invisible to a wide number of opponents?

That... sounds like it would be pretty damn awesome.

Sam, I don't know if I've got much to add to the analysis, but I do want to say this: I am dying to see your encounter.

A major problem with this monster, IMHO, is that it really works less as a monster, and more as an encounter, or an NPC. The Abandoned One is a little bit of a one-trick pony - he has the one schtick of oblivion-consignment, and it's a great schtick, but how many times are you really going to want to pull that on the same group of PCs? "Oh, crud, we've lost Gor-thlax again..." Probably not much - but it would make an INCREDIBLE centerpiece in any number of creepy swamp adventures. In other words, it's a Plot Device Monster - a great one, one which'd be great in context, but less so here.

You've been bringing great mojo and imagination every round so far, without being able to bring any direct use of plot or characters. The sense that I'm getting is that when you can bring those in, when you're less restricted into a single well-defined task, you're gonna shine bright. I'd love to see what you've got for us in R4, and though I haven't gotten even halfway through the entries yet, I expect you'll get my vote on that potential (and your previous work :) ).

This is a pretty innovative monster - with the invisible and forget your friend schtick reminding me a bit of the Silence from Doctor Who - which is a good thing. The selective invisibility is also a cool new power.

However, not only is consign to oblivion a screw with the players power when offensive, but it's WAY too easy to abuse. Imagine a necromancer or cleric with command undead or something getting an abandoned one in their power - then telling it to consign them or an ally to oblivion - suddenly the target has greater invisibility for a DAY.

As cool as this is, I'm thinking the brokeness in two ways of consign to oblivion is a bit hard to overlook. Hope you make it on, cause you have great big ideas though - just need to reign them in a bit so that they play well in the game overall.

I'd merge Selective Invisibility and Consign To Oblivion into one that makes the victim undetectable but allows to perceive the Abandoned One, or maybe make it forcibly transport the subject to the Plane Of Shadow/Ethereal Plane where he would have to face the Abandoned One alone. It would fit a higher CR creature however...

It gives me a Midnight Nation/Neverwhere vibe.

@Sam Harris: Consign to oblivion is a great plot device. Unfortunately, plot devices should not exist as monster special attacks. Drejk is absolutely correct that this monster should be pulling lone targets into single combat on an alternate plane of existence instead of turning things invisible, erasing memories, and generally creating a frustrating experience for the game's players.

Argh. This is a bit of a mess. But it's a beautiful mess.

The comments that this is similar to a monster that the writers of Doctor Who might come up with are spot on. That's actually a compliment, in my book; it shows a kind of high concept thinking. The execution, though, leaves something to be desired. There might be a way to pull it off, but pulling your players off into the kitchen one at a time to tell them they now have to fight a private battle and their friends are completely oblivious to it seems less than desirable.

But the idea is so. Freaking. Neat. I am seriously tempted to give my final vote to this just on concept alone, because I think in spite of the major flaws here you've got some brilliant ideas I'd like to see explored.

Sean: vote for him! Vote for him!
You're dying to see what he's got for R4 - admit it!

I agree with Sean McGowan. This monster can derail a game session, but the idea is very cool, so I want to see what you do next round.

Good luck in the voting!

Sean: vote for him! Vote for him!

You're dying to see what he's got for R4 - admit it!

Yeah, it got me in the end.

Really enjoyed this one.
Very Dr. Who.

100% Flavour and flair.

Requires players to think outside of the box....

or get a wand of Glitterdust ;)

Now that voting's over, I just wanted to swing by and say thank you to everyone who voted, commented, and gave critiques.

Obviously there was a lot of controversy about this guy, with the general consensus being that it was a good idea with some serious flaws in execution, and I accept that.

One of the great things about this contest has been the chance to get feedback on not just the specific elements of my designs, but also my broader approach, and, as Clark, Nickolas, and others pointed out, I've shown a tendency to let my high concepts outpace my thinking as a designer, and I've definitely learned that, going forward (whether in this contest or more generally as a designer), my task is to bring the ideas and "mojo" that people have liked into the framework of good, solid design.

That said, it was a conscious decision to go for a monster that would be a memorable, probably once-in-a-campaign kind of encounter; as Ziv said, this would be tiresome the second or third time around. I don't regret that decision--at the very least, this provoked a reaction, and was memorable.

But of course, even if this is only being used once, there are some issues to address. Consign to Oblivion is obviously the main thing that got to people, and I’m really glad to see all the reactions. Earlier drafts actually had scaled this back considerably, for many of the reasons people cited, especially the issue player frustration/session derailment.

Thanks again, all, for your insights and critiques, and to those who voted for me. I hope to have the chance to keep going -- this has been a blast!

Now, I've got to watch me some Dr. Who, which I admit to my embarrassment that I've actually never seen, though I've been meaning to. I did have a moment of panic after submission where I thought this monster had been covered by a Buffy episode, but, while invisibility does seem to be a frequent symptom of feelings of abandonment in Sunnydale, turns out I was safe.