mamaursula's page

I think we can drop the typo aspect of this discussion and focus on the other 1,499 words in Sam's entry. :)

Edit: From this point forward, I'm going to remove posts in this thread that talk about typos or Ryan's comment that prompted all this discussion. It is a distraction from talking about the content of Sam's entry. And before the voting period I may go back and remove all the earlier discussion about it because I think it's unfair to Sam.

Congratulations to those who got through and commiserations to those that didn't. One of my favourites has been knocked out, so particular commiserations to Andrew Marlowe, but I still have 2 in the running.
I'm looking forward to seeing the maps and encounters.

Disclaimer: In the Top 32 Guildhall, Andrew Marlowe gave me express written permission to tear into his monster, even after I promised that my criticism would be as harsh as I felt necessary. Accordingly, I'm not going to hold any criticism back in this review of his njaa'mende.

Overall, this is an intriguing concept, but you failed to elaborate on the aspect of the monster that ties everything together: this monster should have been a njaa'mende queen, not a njaa'memde swarm.

Here's an itemized critique:

Name Contrary to the judges' opinion, I actually like the name "njaa'membe" quite a bit.

Appearance Monster descriptions shouldn't make assumptions about the environment in which the monster is encountered, nor should they make assumptions about dialogue, each of which will vary from encounter to encounter.

Senses Darkvision is one word, not two. (Edit: I see the judges caught this, as well.)

Description The description you provide of njaa'mende culture creates a bit of a dissonance with the swarm mechanics, especially the description you give for the njaa'mende queen. Complex social interactions between different members of the swarm would suggest they be treated as individual creatures, not a single homogenous mass.

In particular, what happens when the PCs encounter a njaa'mende swarm being led by a queen and attempt to target her? Is the GM supposed to rule that the PC can't target one specific individual because she is a member of a swarm, even though the swarm is made up of creatures that aren't mechanically identical? And what happens when the swarm is destroyed but the queen survives? The PCs are still standing right there, ready to fight. What are the queen's stats, now?

Frankly, the swarm isn't the monster here; the njaa'mende queen is. She should have been a Fine or Tiny aberration with an ability to command swarms, and to grant swarms uses of her own skills and spell-like abilities. If the queen were given stats in this manner, it would be easy enough to declare (as part of her command swarm ability) that njaa'mende swarms use the statistics of army ant swarms with resist fire 5, vulnerability to cold, and a different poison (if that's even necessary).

(Edit: Also, the approach I suggest in the preceding paragraph would have side-stepped SKR's objections, since that approach to designing this monster would have made it clear that the swarm members inherit their intelligence from the queen instead of possessing their own, independent intelligence.)

..sadly I'm off to Rio for carnaval tonight..

I do not think that word means what you think it means.

What would your party of paladin, barbarian, fighter and gunslinger do against this swarm? :)

Sacrifice the slowest-running character to it, obviously. :)

"I don't have to outrun the jamenday, I just have to outrun you."

And we don't even have to walk uphill barefoot through piles of snow to get to an internet cafe to send in our entries. Now we got this fancy interwebz right in our homes. Yup, we're definitly a bunch of spoiled brats.

But that's just it: They get way more than 3 days now. The Round 4 rules will be revealed on Friday when voting closes rather than on Tuesday when the Round 3 results are revealed. That means everyone will have a full 7-day week to design their encounter. That's more than twice what we got during our run!

And, on top of that, they get to know the "twist" right now, a good 10 days before the next round begins? And they got 300 words for their wondrous item submissions, when the first two years we only got 200?! They've got it easy, I tell ya! That's why I say make'em sweat!!! ;-D

Oh, sure, Joshua! Make it easy on them! C'mon, man! Where's the challenge and the nail-biting now? ;-P

Oh my...*runs off to study the Heroes & Monsters lineup*

That's a shame. :(
Am I correct in assuming we will still be allowed to post the "Thank you, vote for me!" message in our entries?

I believe this particular creature (swarm) fits in well with the setting it's placed in. The religious motif seems tacked on at the end as I believe the creature can stand on its own without its mention.

I may have been in the vocal minority with appreciating Andrew's organization, but I'm going to stick with him on this one as well. I appreciate Saint Trickery doing a bit of leg-work on the possible etymology behind the name, so it makes it that more appealing to me as to the thought behind its creation by placing it in its location.

Andrew, I'm spending my last vote on yours. Good luck!

The two special abilities aren't that special. I'm trying to figure out if the Poison ability creates nausea or helplessness but I don't think it does. So you're missing a chance for synergy with the Consume ability.

Perhaps the intent was to take advantage of the distraction ability that all swarms get, which nauseates creatures?

I'm hoping it's a bunch of "mystery ingredients" all the contestants have to incorporate into their monster idea. :->

Monster chef! Your ingredients are: mustard greens, beef bouillon, and coriander. BEGIN!

Iron Designer?

I dont want to be too much of a tease...but I don't think you will be disappointed with the monsters from round 3 :)

I can't say much, but there are some really, really good ones. And even the ones I dont give a recommendation to are good. There are no really bad grades this round.

*Feels all proud and excited now.*

I dont want to be too much of a tease...but

Tease!! And so unbecoming of a Demon Prince. Tsk, tsk.

I dont want to be too much of a tease...but I don't think you will be disappointed with the monsters from round 3 :)

I can't say much, but there are some really, really good ones. And even the ones I dont give a recommendation to are good. There are no really bad grades this round.

If I may add a postscript to Vic's excellent comments.

Serious contestants should really do their best to maintain perspective. This is not a zero-sum contest where the results are strictly binary ("pass/fail or good/bad").

I'm not trying to self-promote here, but in 2010 I wrote an ambitious adventure pitch ("Doom of the Dream Thieves") that, as Vic described, could not be written in 32 pages. Judges universally said that, and encouraged people not to vote for my proposal. I was too inexperienced to recognize the scope of what I was pitching, and Matt Goodall won the contest that year- and he deserved it.

But the story didn't end for me. I went on to write some mechanics, and then two PFS adventures, and eventually a 32 page module.

Everything I could have gained from the contest, I ended up getting/doing anyway.

It took a little longer and I had to work my way up a little bit. The judges ended up doing me a favor.

The judges really are looking out for the best interests of everyone, and even if you don't win the "jackpot", it doesn't necessarily mean that you've lost.

Try to keep that perspective.

Great, great stuff Jim!

And let me say, we all knew you had it in you. You just over did it. And now look at the amazing work you are doing! Same with Jason. He didn't win it all, but he is a major freelancer for Paizo. And there are others. Boomer, for instance. Superstar is about finding that person in that moment. Sometimes it just isnt quite your time. Something else needs to happen to you or for you first. Great example.

Nukruh wrote:

Vic Wertz wrote:

The judges aren't there just to provide feedback to the participants—they're also there to give the audience the "view from the inside"—to educate everyone about how a contestant's entry would work (or not work) if it were a freelance assignment.

Readers who don't want to be swayed by the judges can just not read the judges' commentary.

While I understand that, it just seems that a wrap up after voting is closed for a round would be a better method to explain the reasoning behind how a judge views an entry. Suggesting that people not read the judge comments is nice but human nature tends to head the other way in contest related situations. Just the existence of this thread proves that people think with, or because of, the judges more than one would like.

You've missed my point. I'm not *in any way* suggesting that everyone should skip the judges' commentary. Quite the opposite—I'm saying that part of the judges' role is educating the community about issues that professionals see that the voters may miss, and that it's actually a *good thing* that the judges' have the ability to sway voters. I mentioned that those people who choose not to take advantage of the education the judges are offering have the option to skip those posts, but that's not at all the main point—that's an aside.

Let me give you a specific example. The final round is a proposal for a 32-page adventure module that will be produced for sale. The judges have far more knowledge about what constitutes a marketable 32-page adventure than the average voter. If one of the submissions is way over scope—say, something that the judges know *can't actually be done* in 32 pages, something that the average voter may not recognize—we *want* the judges feedback to sway voters away from that proposal. And the same is true in a smaller scale throughout the competition.

If I may add a postscript to Vic's excellent comments.

Serious contestants should really do their best to maintain perspective. This is not a zero-sum contest where the results are strictly binary ("pass/fail or good/bad").

I'm not trying to self-promote here, but in 2010 I wrote an ambitious adventure pitch ("Doom of the Dream Thieves") that, as Vic described, could not be written in 32 pages. Judges universally said that, and encouraged people not to vote for my proposal. I was too inexperienced to recognize the scope of what I was pitching, and Matt Goodall won the contest that year- and he deserved it.

But the story didn't end for me. I went on to write some mechanics, and then two PFS adventures, and eventually a 32 page module.

Everything I could have gained from the contest, I ended up getting/doing anyway.

It took a little longer and I had to work my way up a little bit. The judges ended up doing me a favor.

The judges really are looking out for the best interests of everyone, and even if you don't win the "jackpot", it doesn't necessarily mean that you've lost.

Try to keep that perspective.

Awesome. I'll keep on top.

I found myself getting angry at some of the judges comments, lol. I especially liked the organization entry. Unlike some of the douc... I mean judges, I found the idea of an old-guard merchant class that still harbors some resentment to abolition to be cool.

I'm enjoying my character far too much to be discouraged because the GM has made it to Round 3 of RPG Superstar. The fact that you are doing so great bodes well for this game, in my opinion!

Keep up the good work and I can't wait to see what you have to offer for this round! The twist is doozy! Congratulations!

Unacceptable!

;)

Life gets in the way, I think we all understand, lol. If the game slows for a bit, it slows, then it'll pick back up. Heck, my availability on weekends is pretty unpredictable, trying to put together our wedding (yay gift convention today!). Also, congrats on the job!

Wow, fellas. Five of you waited until the last half-hour of the submission window to turn in your entries. And three of you were inside the final 5 minutes. Way to cut it close.

** spoiler omitted **

Guilty.

Wow, fellas. Five of you waited until the last half-hour of the submission window to turn in your entries. And three of you were inside the final 5 minutes. Way to cut it close.

Anyone who is disappointed should simply cure that by entering next year and getting picked for the top 32 and then competing in the second round. :)

This contest is hard on purpose. We have to create tasks that actually help discriminate potential winners from those who are not. The fact that you are disappointed and the wheat is being separated from the chaff just means we are picking proper tasks. If we picked a task that all of the top 32 could do well, then we'd have 32 awesome entries and there would be no rational way to select between them other than pure favoritism, which isnt an objective criteria. So the task needs to result in a handful of successes and more failures. That is how this is sorted. So long as everyone has the same fair chance to do well, which they do.

So what you see as disappointment is really just a lack of thinking through what is going on here. Did you really expect 28 of the 32 to get As on this test? If that is the case, you need to rethink your expectations. We design the test so that it actually helps sort the candidates. So what that means is falling down on this task is not fatal. It is just one step. As Neil mentioned, a misstep on one round (usually round 2) has historically not proven to be fatal to later success. And we dont view it that way. These are all potential winners of the contest, every one--even the ones who in our comments we didnt recommend to advance.

In my estimation, this happens every year. There's always a (not inconsiderable) group of folks who look at the Round 2 entries and view them as disappointing...or not Superstar enough. Subsequently, they decry the process as somehow having less meaning or purpose. But let's reset expectations here for a second...

First, there have been plenty of people who bombed a Round 2 entry, bounced back in Rounds 3 and 4 and rode a huge wave of momentum into the Top 4 adventure proposal round. I think several of the eventual winners of RPG Superstar have often been in a trailing position (in terms of voter perception) in that final round and then came on strong to pitch the best idea for an actual adventure.

So, I think we all need to view the RPG Superstar contest as a place where creative people who can write reasonably well go through a series of challenges which hones their talent into something better than it started out. None of them come into the contest as fully-formed, experienced freelancers. If they were, they'd have already been "discovered" and wouldn't need RPG Superstar as a stepping stone into the world of freelancing.

It's a common fact that, in writing and game design, you get better by doing it. Not by sitting at home, playing your homebrew game, and being an arm-chair quarterback who feels they can do better than anyone else who's out there. You've got to get on the field, do the work, and see how you measure up in reality rather than just your own mind. So, give these actual competitors time. They're learning the ropes. These challenges are designed to test them in certain areas. And, in the process of each challenge, they'll get better at it...not simply through trial-and-error, but also from the feedback of the judges and the voting community.

So, be patient. These guys all have different talents and abilities. Some will be better at monster design and stat-blocking. Some will be better at dreaming up wondrous items. Others will make good world-builders by imagining great things like an organization, country, or villain to drop into a campaign setting. Some will have the ability to cook up incredibly entertaining encounters which run really well at the gaming table and have a really cool map. Others will have a unique storytelling talent and be able to structure and write an exceptionally compelling adventure.

Potential Superstar game designers (i.e., hopefully, those who emerge at the end of this contest) will have demonstrated (and learned) the ability to do most of those things better than average. And then, where they go from there once they receive an actual paid writing assignment with Paizo is up to them. That's why I always say it isn't simply what you do during RPG Superstar. It's more important what you do after when you apply all these lessons and the overall experience when called upon to do it for real.

Additionally, I want to point out something else about how this contest plays in Round 2. This is just an observation from someone who's gone through it and judged it before. To me, the judges are never 100% sure what they've got in their Top 32 selections. We base those decisions on a very brief snippet...a 300-word wondrous item...to try and get a sense of what a designer may be capable of. We're looking for spark, mojo, and innovation potential. But we don't know until we put them through their paces.

Round 2 is always the largest cut of all once the competition fully gets underway. It's essentially the proving ground to determine who among these Top 32 really deserves this opportunity. Some will do a really great wondrous item submission which they may have worked and practiced on over several months since last year's competiton. They make it into the Top 32 and celebrate. Then, they get on the big stage, see the bright lights and their competition, have a short turnaround time on the next assignment, and they fail to put forward their best stuff. These competitors usually wash out. But they do so having learned a valuable lesson. And, hopefully, they try again next year and come back much improved.

It's okay. We can't actually take all 32 to Round 3, you know? It's expected. This round actually helps the contest move forward. There are going to be some folks who have missteps. The judges are sometimes going to err in thinking someone's wondrous item demonstrated a spark that might not quite be there yet for a certain competitor. Sometimes, they don't even get to put forward their best work, because life or other circumstances get in the way. You never know. It happens. And it's okay.

But the goal of the contest is to find four worthy contestants to compete for the top prize. Not the entire 32. By its very nature, we already know we'll have to leave behind the other 28. Some of those 28 may be really strong designers who, through a series of bad judgement calls and various circumstances, slip up and fall out of the competition to someone whose star is rising. That's okay. Those guys can hopefully come back and compete again. Others may not be as strong a designer as we intitially hoped. They too will likely fall out of the competition. However, even if they do, hopefully the process and opportunity they received here made them into a stronger designer than before. They too can improve themselves and come back strong, more ready to compete than ever before.

That's how I view it, at least. No, the sky isn't falling if you feel a lot of folks weren't Superstar quality with their Round 2 entries. No, it's not a given that those who do best in Round 2 should automatically be crowned the winners. There's still many more challenges ahead. They vary in the things they test you on. And these designers each need to run that gauntlet and prove themselves across all these assignments for any of us to truly know who deserves to become an RPG Superstar.

My two cents,
--Neil

Strange as it may be not everyone will like everything they are confronted with. People are different. But honestly, I'd like to immediately remind people that one of the best things about RPG Superstar is the nice, polite way people support and rationally comment each other's work. I don't like all top 32 items OR organizations. But not liking something, and feeling the need to publicly share that opinion is different things. I really think you should reconsider what you're saying to the other 30 people, who have, like it or not, done a hard piece of work, even if it's not one you appreciate. The least you can do is give them a reason why you don't like their work - then they at least know what to try and improve on. Of course, everyone are entitled to their opinions and everyone are entitled to freedom of speach. But one thing too many don't think about, in my opinion, is CONSEQUENCE of speach.

Consider, for a moment, that you're telling 30 people: "You're work is worthless!"
Consider, for a moment, that you're telling the judges: "Your opinion and trust that these people have potential is wrong!"
Consider, for a moment, that you're telling Paizo: "Just skip the next rounds of this contest so the people I like can win!"

Consider, then if that is your real intention. Do you really want 30 people to feel like their best work deserves nothing more than this? Do you really want all those who like another entry than you to be ignored? Do you really want to claim that you know more about what qualifies people to write RPG material than the chosen judges (who have all done it loads of times). Do you really want Paizo to shut down this contest and let people you like write an adventure, without testing if they're up to Paizo's wishes in several rounds of competition.

This kind of inconsiderate use of your freedom of speach makes me wonder if freedom of speach is a good thing.

I, personally, believe strongly that the main reason the Paizo-forums are a place worth spending time on is an aura of respect, polite behaviour and considerate critiscism. I'm sorry if my reaction to this seems too strong, but it seems to me that you will want to consider a little more carefully, in the future, the consequence of posting anything and everything you feel without any moderation to make it more acceptable to people who feel different.

Now these are just my feelings. Feel free to disagree. But tell me why, if you must.

Sincerely, and with - hopefully - due consideration,
Siv L. Strandberg

I agree with Neil, that you have to work on finding your kernel of an idea – that one sentence that sums up everything – and work backwards from that in your writing. I wasn’t very impressed by this entry originally, but after thinking about it, I really like the possibilities! The problem is that in future rounds you need for everyone to see your Superstar-quality idea immediately. I humbly disagree with Sean, and would like to emphasize some of the other posters’ thoughts. The beauty of this organization, is it exists in a country where you wouldn’t expect it. Honestly, Andoran really didn’t interest me as a GM to locate my campaign as it was too much like the US. Why have your players use it as a base to travel to neighboring Katapesh, Osirion or Cheliax to harass slavers when you can locate the campaign in those nations?

Now with this organization, I see the possibilities of an Andoran-based campaign where the players raid Cheliax to take down a slave ring, but the trail leads back home. This has all the makings of numerous epic adventures, and as many previous comments suggest, there are many examples of this in post-Civil War America, and parallels in the contemporary era all around the world. Racism or the de-humanizing of certain people doesn’t happen overnight in all citizens in a recently unshackled nation like Andoran. I think I just convinced myself to vote for you, Andrew. However, read through all the comments and take them to heart—the competition only escalates from here to the finish line!

Actually, there's some potential to this. Even in the U.S., there are people that are imported over illegally to work as indentured servants in substandard factories and/or house servants for the wealthy. Some are even involved in the sex trade. Slavery has been abolished since 1865.

But it's 2012, now. It still happens. We're still combating it.

The name of this organization prides in its ambiguity with the pro-capitalism concept they adhere to -- at all costs. Like the mafia and other organizations, they have legitimate fronts. But they are capitalists first; socialists last. There's always going to be that shady businessman that wants cheap labor with a one-time cost. And the Andoran Mercantile League is going to get them what they need. There may be generations in Andoran that pays lip service to the democracy, but they have scions who have been raised in a Chelaxian environment and personally see no wrong with having slaves.

"Who, me? I'm providing this person room and board and three squares a day in trade for services rendered. Let me get my contract and my lawyer and we can discuss this matter further." <nod, wink, stern glare over to the maid who best shut up or else her family back home is going to get the repercussion felt.>

I think you can eke into my eight votes, Andrew. :)

I can believe in wizards, I can believe in dragons, but I cannot believe that this organization exists.

The idea of bored, rich people going a little crazy during the apocalypse and deliberately wrecking things just for fun... it's farfetched, but I can go with it. But for highly ambitious and successful people to keep on doing that for a hundred years? And to accidentally find it profitable? Just how do they make money off of sowing discord? Generally speaking, apocalyptic instability is not good for business. These guys have no serious motivation and no flavor to speak of, just a random desire to use their vast resources to screw things up for no reason.

What we have here, then, is not a group of villains but a bunch of jerks.

People did love that sticky pugfoot, so I wouldn't be surprised to see you advance. Good luck!

Really? Posting to try and get votes in the thread advising you to keep quiet and get to work?

Unless I'm missing some humorous tone not explicit in the text, all that does is very much make me NOT want to vote for you.

Despite the glaring flaws in my item design, I'd still very much love to be where the top 32 are, and every time I see post after post after post from a competitor all I can think is, "why aren't you using this time to work on your submission rather than beg for votes!?"

I'm voting for the well written and creative submissions. The kind of stuff I'd want to see in a module that I'd actually want to play. The desperate cries for votes are really only a distraction from the work itself, and since that's how I place my votes, you should probably stop distracting me!

Then again...I'm just one guy...

ValmarTheMad wrote:

So, Star Trek, The Next Generation it is, and I'll be a member of the Q, thanks.

Are you certain? Because I hear once you've been the dog, the Continuum can get boring.

I'd still be willing to try it out.

I always hating seeing things I've turned in on those lists :) I do see the need for nifty shackles in a magical world, but we've already got 2 or 3 examples of them, and they aren't exactly seen that often.

I'm really surprised by the number of people in the critique my item thread who either don't have the final submitted version of their item, or aren't sure if what they have is the final version.

There is simply no good reason for anyone not to have a copy the final version of any work that they do for hire or profit.

My mind is boggled.

(If I remember correctly, this was even mentioned last year by one of the judges)

I feel the same way. It always surprises me, too. At least at first. My gut reaction is: "This is essentially an online job interview and the dog ate your homework?" But there are some things to keep in mind:

It is just a contest. And some people enter just to enter, which is great. Many people dont have an expectation of advancement--which is fine. In fact, some top 8 contestants have said they didnt think there was any way they were going to advance. Or even look at a GREAT item (Bottled Time) where the author had to withdraw. Some enter at the last minute because they were rushed, etc. So I always set my surprise aside. Because more people enter than think they can win, and that is ok.

Now, that said, you would still think people would save a copy of their final submission. And if you aren't doing that, please let this thread serve as my suggestion that you do so next year :)

Tom, I think that might make it worse, actually! I'm trying to use today to catch up on a bunch of stuff I've been neglecting since last Tuesday (i.e. setting up my website for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society fundraiser I've just started).

I imagine starting tomorrow evening, I'm going to be busy reading everyone's organizations and all the comments ... and forcing myself not to comment on mine ... and to pay attention to the work I'm actually getting paid for.

I'm trying to use today to catch up on a bunch of stuff I've been neglecting since last Tuesday (i.e. setting up my website for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society fundraiser I've just started).

I'm interested in hearing more about this, Jacob. I'm a Cancer Survivor myself. Last year at this time, I was in the final stages of chemotherapy treatment for Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma. During my sickness, I set up a blog where I told my story and encouraged people to sign up as blood and bone marrow donors.

So, if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

I'm definitely feeling the jitters as open voting approaches.

Know what? My wife told me what organization she'd make if it were her in the competition instead of me. It's cooler than mine. In about 5-8 words, she pretty much outdid me.

Dammit.

Ah so I'm taking a break from our Pathfinder game* and just got a minute to read your reviews on the 20 you've done so far.

Thanks for the kind words I hope to live up to every one of them, cause your going to be serious competition in the next two rounds.

*Two of us (both fighters & brothers) are out of commission for the moment because a vampire dominated my dumb brother into attacking us. SO, I have grappled him while the others go to kill the vamp. Thank goodness I had spell buffs.

Andrew, if only he'd had a clockwork conscience.

That would have worked for a round, unfortunately she had him for 5 days. It was over an hour at the table before someone finally remembered that the rogue had a wand of break enchantment, I didn't even knew we had.

It was quite a bit of fun anyway the other player and I kept bickering ICly.

**Edit: Yay leveling. Boo exploding boiler room demons. Welcome to Cheliax.

Andrew, if only he'd had a clockwork conscience.

I have a strong bias against items that involve liquor or beer. We've seen so many of them in previous years and for the most part they live down to the worst expectations of being banal and childish. So every time I open an item that's obviously alcohol-related, I'm already itching to punch the reject button.

But this item may be the exception that proves the rule. The designer did a great job of making something useful and something that I could see players having a great amount of fun with (in a way that doesn't derail the entire game into some silly anachronistic immersion breaking boozy dead end).

Beware future contestants, this item sets the bar high for your tankards, bottles, flasks, kegs, etc.

I recommend that you vote for this designer.