<de-lurking> I'm so sorry, Kalindlara. I can't speak to trans issues, but I can speak to the negative self-talk which I've had all my life. Please talk to your regular doctor about getting on an anti-depressant. I was first diagnosed with major depression when I was 15, and the first anti-depressant I was prescribed made me feel like the world had been wiped clean. I didn't change, but everything felt better, easier, lighter. It didn't make things perfect -- I still had all the issues that caused the depression in the first place -- but it helped.
I take anti-depressants now to be normal, to function. This is an illness, just like diabetes or high blood pressure or anything else where you would need to take a maintenance medicine. Please don't feel that you've failed somehow if you need this medicine.
And, please, don't harm yourself. I've only interacted with you as I lurked on these boards, and you have so much to share!