On one of the Dude's breaks, a grizzled, old stranger sits down beside him....
"You gotta good sarsaparilla?" He asks the bartender in a weary tone.
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Noranti eventually gets the lock open, although the party does get a few odd looks from passersby. Mort finds two empty rooms behind the other windows, and the door opens into yet another empty room. One of those passersby stops and breaks the forth wall for a moment. "I really wish he'd stop all that cursin'." The old man lets out a sigh. "But here's the part of the story were things get interestin'. Sit down and take a load off. This should be good."
"Scuse me fellers." Says a guy in a wizard get up carrying a saddle. He looks so grizzled that he might well be from the Elemental Plane of Rawhide and Jerky. Rain patters off his wide-brimmed pointy hat soothingly as he approaches. "You know where can a feller find hisself a descent sarsaparilla in this big ol' town?" Lightning strikes and he looks up to the turbulent skies over Absalom.
"Ya know that reminds me o somethin. Way out west there was this fella... fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Geoffree le Bouescki. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. Mr. le Bouescki, he called himself "The Dude". Now, "Dude" - that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place so darned interestin'. They call Magnimar the "City of Monuments." Like a graveyard. I didn't find it to be that, exactly. Too noisy and cutthroat. I'll allow there are some nice folks there. 'Course I can't say I've seen Multhune, and I ain't never been to Nirmathas. And I ain't never seen no Queen Domina in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I'll tell you what - after seeing Magnimar, and this here story I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd see in any of them other outside planes. And in Common, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin' like the gods gypped me. Now this here story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early 4700s - just about the time of our conflict with Karzoog and them stoner giants. I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Dude here. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Dude, in Magnimar. And even if he's a lazy man - and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in Varisia, which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hells. I've done introduced him enough. He's right over there. Ya'll should say 'hi' er somethin'. You might hit it off. I need to get me to a drink. This stuff is suede you know."
"Yep, that there big froghemoth thing looked to be givin' that sad paladin fellow a right good lickin'."
Maybe it's a reminder post... ;)
"Things was lookin' mighty grim."
"Ahem."
"I wish he'd stop with all the cussin' but uh, well, 'Holy fudge' indeed. There was four of 'em lizardy-lookin' hombres and they didn't look none too happy to see the Dude and his friends. Now--surprisingly--I ain't much on organized religion--all that psychic surgery, faith healin' and goin' clear and stuff, but I know one thing, folks just naturally feel mellower around the Dude. It's like walking next to your favorite psychic pillow. That one you used to hug on the stormy nights. The Dude's just like that, and a quart of ice cream with a big oversized spoon. Yep."
"And so they went in. Go get 'em Dude, and may the gods go with you. Course maybe if you'd stop cussin' so much more of 'em might go with you."
"Scuse me fellers." Says a guy in a wizard get up who looks so grizzled that he might be from the Elemental Plane of Rawhide. "Where'd you get yer sarsaparilla?" He nods his thanks when you tell him and looks back over his shoulder at what just happened. His old eyes grow misty like he's looking back through time and space and he says. "Ya know that reminds me o somethin. Way out west there was this fella... fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Geoffree le Bouescki. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. Mr. le Bouescki, he called himself "The Dude". Now, "Dude" - that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place so darned interestin'. They call Magnimar the "City of Monuments." Like a graveyard. I didn't find it to be that, exactly. Too noisy and cutthroat. I'll allow there are some nice folks there. 'Course I can't say I've seen Multhune, and I ain't never been to Nirmathas. And I ain't never seen no Queen Domina in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I'll tell you what - after seeing Magnimar, and this here story I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd see in any of them other outside planes. And in Common, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin' like the gods gypped me. Now this here story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early 4700s - just about the time of our conflict with Karzoog and them stoner giants. I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Dude here. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Dude, in Magnimar. And even if he's a lazy man - and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in Varisia, which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hells. I've done introduced him enough. He's sittin' at that table over there. Ya'll should 'hi' er somethin'. You might hit it off. I need me a drink." And with that the old coot walks off toward the bar.
"And from somewhere beyond the bar in that nebulous place near the back that abuts the plane o' shadows and that place fictional characters go when no one's readin' or think' about 'em a low moan goes up. It's that table next to the kitchen door with the Pharasmin inquisitor, the kitsune monk, that notable occultist n' author of weird science fiction horror, that brash half-orc cad and that huge-but-sensitive half-orc viking, and that lil' guy who's always pesterin' you about his shadow puppets. You know the one. Anyhow it's a loud piteous moan that starts down near where your appendix is or was and comes up like beer burped sob. Yeah, you been there. The Dude though, he barely registers it." Sitting just before the Dude with No Name (who still needs a light), is a grizzled old cowboy-looking guy, all tall and rangy and gray like he invented the color. His voice isn't so much gravelly as it is a wavering scree on the side of hill out on the west coast just after a small tumbler hits. Each aftershock sends another tremor through that scree. As it turns out he's doing the voice-over. "I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Dude here. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Dude, in Absalom. And even if he's a lazy man - and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest on the whole island, which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hells. I've done introduced him enough. Let's just watch." He turns to the bartender "Say, friend - you got any more of that good sarsaparilla?" He gets his drink. "The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh, that's strong stuff. I sure hope he makes his own Confirmation." |