So...
This past Saturday, nearly two weeks after The Warning Sign That Wasn't, my wife and I decided that we should try our luck in the First Response lottery.
So we bought our ticket and returned home, full of nervous anticipation. I dutifully read the contest rules, then carefully explained to my wife how to perform the drawing. A few seconds later I found myself hunched forward on the couch, desperately trying to find something on T.V. that would keep the next three minutes from feeling like hours.
(7:44 PM)
For me, channel surfing is a treasured pastime. I have been known to spend an entire half hour lazily scrolling through basic cable's meager offerings waiting for the next batch of shows to start, hoping for something palatable enough to melt my brain to.
I spent what must have been an entire afternoon worth of daytime junk scrolling channels, trying to kill time.
(7:45 PM)
New tactic needed. Fine.
I settle on a channel and decide to see if I can recite the commerials (I watch alot of T.V.).
"Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea..." Ah, the Macarena-based Pepto Bismol song and dance. I spend a few moments pondering what bothers me more: the song, or the fact that I can sing it?
(7:46 PM)
Sweet Celestial Patriarch! Why has the flow of time broken?! What have I done to trap myself in this temporal morass? Am I cursed to forever exist in anticipation of this moment of truth, eternally waiting for that fifth daily number? Why!? Why am I tormented so?!
(7:47 PM)
Oh, time to go check the ticket. Right. Let me go do that. Just a second, though, I like this commercial.
Look, honey, the baby polar bear is drinking a coke with the penguins. Isn't that cute? Of course, everybody knows that polar bears and penguins live on opposite sides of the world. Well, except for those tropical penguins. You remember, the ones we saw in Hawai'i. I gotta admit, before that I didn't know there were tropical penguins...
What's that? The ticket? Oh, right. Yes. Let me go check that.
Guess what, honey. We won the lottery. Says so right here, two pink lines means you won.
Of course, we need to go the the Verification Office and make sure we aren't one of the 1.6% of consumers who did not get the expected results.
What's that? Verification Office isn't open on weekends? Have to wait 'til Monday?
Hm, well. How hard could that be? Um, how many minutes does Sunday have?
**********
Well, Monday came and it was off to work. I kept myself as busy as possible during the day. You know what they say: "Time flies when you're thinking of anything except the Lottery Verification Office."
They lie.
A nice, traffic-filled drive home, followed by a plop on the couch to play video games (the channel surfing, commercial singing route was not going to cut it).
I didn't notice it too much the first time I played through, but Final Fantasy X is more like a movie with a few video game moments than an actual video game. And let me tell you, I did not give a rat's ass about whether or not Yuna was going to die at the end of her pilgrimage.
Eventually my wife came home. She was on the phone when she walked in. I patiently (sort of) waited for her to finish her conversation. Which she eventually did.
Wife: Hey, sweetie, how was work?
Ungoded: Uh, good. You?
Wife: It was okay.
Ungoded: So, how did things go at the Lottery Verification Office?
author's note: I wasn't sure if I should stick to the metaphor or let this conversation play out closer to how it actually happened. Ultimately I decided to go with the metaphor, 'cause I like it.
Wife: I don't have an ear infection.
And here the metaphor breaks down anyway. Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted. I should note that this is not the non-sequitur that it appears to be. Her ears have been bothering her for weeks, she decided to get them checked out while she was there.
Ungoded: Good. Good. That's good. And, uh, that other thing?
Wife: Six weeks along.
Ungoded: Woohoo! We won the lottery! Welcome back metaphor, welcome back.