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I'm pretty sure the statblock format requires everything to have CMB and CMD scores. Things that cannot move at all still have CMB and CMD.
Here's how I might have a skeleton interpret these commands.
Destroy all living beings that enter this hall: Skeleton waits idly in hall until a living being enters, then attacks the nearest creature until it is no longer able to (creature is dead, creature has evaded skeleton's senses, etc.).
Defend this hallway. Bar entry to all who approach: Skeleton waits idly at the end of the hallway, and attacks creatures closest to the end rather than closest to the skeleton. Even that might be a tad too sophisticated for some GMs.
Plants are a bit ambiguous since a lot of them have a grapple design to them. Certainly, as a GM you could say that it is their mindless nature to just grab and kill the nearest target over and over until it can't do anything else.
Mindless constructs, unless ordered directly (I'd say requiring orders during the battle, preprogrammed tactics would not be allowed), never use sunder or disarm unless it is stated in their creature entry.
I wanted some handy, printable reference cards for creatures and stuff for my game, so I decided to fire up Magic Set Editor and fill in the necessary text.
The result! (Ignore the houserule stats such as DEF and AR.) The 'casting cost' icon in the top right is its hit dice.
I think it turned out nicely. More complex creatures may require two cards.
If you're open to 3rd party stuff:
Psion, Psychoportation Discipline (Dreamscarred Press)
Nomad’s Step (Su)
At 2nd level, as long as you maintain psionic focus, as a standard action you may teleport to a location up to 15 feet away. You must have line of sight to the location and you can bring along possessions that amount to as much as a medium load. The distance increases by 5 feet every psion level thereafter.
If you are willing to invest a feat, Fast Step reduces it to a move action.
Other than that, a Nomad Psion is basically an int-based sorcerer.
If you still insist on staying with the group, and want to be neither antagonistic nor silly:
You: "What's your name?"
Take on the burden of tracking and dividing party loot. Ask them (in character) to write their names down on the party's accounts. If one of the others insists on doing the tracking of funds, write up a book of accounts and give it to them, with the same request for names.
Meat Mountain - Barbarian Archetype
The meat mountain only has a 3/4 BAB but gains +2 STR at 1st level and every 4 levels thereafter (maximum +10 at 17th level).
Impressive Flex: At 2nd level, the meat mountain may flex impressively, adding his or her strength bonus to Charisma checks and Charisma-based skill checks. Yes, including handle animal and disguise, somehow. Flexing overcomes all. This replaces Uncanny Dodge.
Incredible Smash: At 2nd level, the meat mountain's first melee or thrown weapon attack each round while raging deals an additional 1d6 damage, plus 1d6 for every 2 levels thereafter. This replaces Rage Powers.
Fight Sense: Such a lust for battle attunes the meat mountain to any and all threats. The mere motion of steel through air incites a trembling of the thews! At 3rd level, the meat mountain gains blindsense 10 ft. plus 5 ft. every 3 levels thereafter. This replaces Trap Sense.
Tough It Out: At 5th level, the meat mountain adds his or her Constitution bonus to his or her saving throws while raging. This stacks with the existing bonus to Fortitude. This replaces Improved Uncanny Dodge.
The Vessel of Eternal Spirits
The Emperor's New Clothes
The Ring of Negative Three Wishes
The Cutting Board
You can't see the sun. The tremendous penalty is due to the time taken for light to travel between the sun and the planet. If you attempt to target the sun with an ability (assuming unlimited range and no attack roll required), it would automatically fail due to the distance the sun has moved.
118. A kitten appears! It is actually a dragon of random age category and colour that has been affected by baleful polymorph and retains its intelligence and supernatural powers (including breath weapon) but none of its physical abilities. The dragon is naturally quite upset at being a cuddly fluffball but is unable to speak.
Now I'm thinking about a game where instead of the common trope of magic screwing with the function of technology, technology overrides magic.
You fire a bullet at a wizard. That stoneskin might as well not exist.
You take a photo of a scene. Every invisible thing shows up in it clear as day.
It's not antimagic, but it functions as though magic were not there.
You have tech users being more real than wizards, but sorcery can achieve marvelous things when not being quashed by science. I guess it's a bit like Mage with Paradox, but less disastrous.
In real life, there are birds that have learned to start forest fires, thus driving out small animals into defenseless clearings to be snatched up by the avian arsonists. These birds do this without any particular care to whether the forest is the kind that benefits from a forest fire or even if it is, if it needs a forest fire at that time. They just burn things to flush prey into the open.
Revere that, druids!