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Unfortunately, my tone does dip when against someone who is being both unreasonable and irrational.
What does that mean? It sounds like you're saying "Sorry I called him an immature jerk. I only did that because you're unreasonable and irrational."
I presume that wasn't what you meant?
As for other things. When I am at a table with people, my expectation isn't that everyone will, every turn, do the best possible action for that turn. I feel as I've said that a number of times.
I understand. I've been reading your posts and I'm pretty clear about what you think should happen. You generally leave people to make their own choives buo will, from time to time, make requests of them. When you do (presuming they're clearly good choices) you think there's an obligation on the requestee to voluntarily comply.
My expectation is one of courtesy. If the party asks some one to do x or y and gives valid reasons for it [such as it is much more beneficial to the party] I would feel obligated to do so on both a player and character level. There is no reason as a character you wouldn't be decent to your friends and as a player, doing anything but what was asked of you [provided it had a good reason and wasn't a major drain on your resources] as a player makes you not a good team player. Now what you end up doing might be totally better, but in the long run you ignored the wishes of your team for what you wanted.
I think one point is that "being a team player" doesn't imply doing everything that's asked of you.
If the party demands you do something, fine, give them the middle finger. If your fighter demands something, fine, give him the middle finger. But when there is courtesy involved you should give courtesy back. To do otherwise is at best inconsiderate, and could possibly be seen as immature or anti-team.
It is possible to courteously turn down a request.
To address the spell vs. weapon. Asking for 1 spell/action is a small fraction of a capability and is renewable. To compare something to asking a fighter to use X weapon would be to ask the wizard to take X school or Spell Focus X. It is a much greater asking of their resources.
Of course. I'm not saying I can't tell the difference. I'm saying I don't see why that difference has any bearing on how I should respond when someone asks me to utilise the resource in a particular way.
"Gee, fighter. This battle looks tough. How about leaving the daggers out of this one and using a sword?" seems as reasonable to me as asking the fireball-y wizard to cast haste.
I'll stress that I'm not saying you're wrong (nor immature or jerkish). It's just not a view I've encountered before.