Snorb's page

Have gold left over after getting a melee weapon, ranged weapon, and light source? Buy a knife!!

Daggers are always useful as tools, and just in case you get grappled, that crossbow or longsword you bought can't be used in a grapple. Daggers can.

From our group's Vampire: The Masquerade 20th Anniversary Edition game the other night. Our group consists of:

A Tremere ghoul who's learning the basics of hedge wizardry and Thaumaturgy (Described by the GM as "A @*&%ing teenager...")
A Lasombra antitribu who is much more competent than the rest of us ("...a traitor...")
A Ravnos with a penchant for grand theft larceny ("...a gypsy...")
Me, a Nosferatu who hides his deformity with a Richard Nixon mask and fake beard ("...the thirty-seventh President of the United States of America...")
And an ex-IRA Brujah who actually specialized in making IEDs. ("...and a terrorist! Great %*#&ing group, everyone!")

We need to go question a Toreador about a recent murder, but we're having problems trying to get past the security guard in her apartment. The most horrifying thing comes out of our ghoul's mouth.

Tremere Ghoul: But... but it's Anne's birthday!
Guard: Is it?
Tremere Ghoul: We got her a stripper!
Lasombra: A Richard Nixon stripper!
Me: (does the Nixon dual peace signs, and starts grooving)
Brujah: A bad Nixon stripper!

I suppose this is a bad time to mention my Crimson Throne character, who the DM foolishly allowed to have a Large Mercurial Greatsword (plus Monkey Grip and XWP: Mercurial Greatswords.)

Just for reference, this particular sword was a 12', 34# sword that did 3d6+(1.5 Str) damage, with a 20/Q critical modifier. He was literally the only person in the entire continent who could safely use it.

Corey the DM: The group sees a man with a guitar enter the town saloon. Booke, that's you. What do you do?

Booke: (mimics taking out the guitar) Ohhhhhhhhhh... o/` I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener...

Corey: ........Make a Perform check. At -20.

Booke: (rolls) I got a -5.

Corey: They start booing.

My best character would be Kyle Surlent, my character from Curse of the Crimson Throne, and is now referred to as "Kyle Surlent, Destroyer of Campaign." The things my DM said about him, repeatedly, are along the lines of:

-I never should have allowed that &@#%ing sword. (A Large mercurial greatsword from Arms and Equipment Guide, which I think was eventually a Large +4 Keen Mercurial Greatsword, or "The 34-pound, thirteen-foot-long kill-stick." Thanks to the campaign taking long enough to go from release date to publishing the Advanced Player's Guide with the Furious Focus feat, Kyle basically wound up threatening massive damage saves Power Attacking during his full attack.)

-I never should have allowed those classes. (Crusader from Tome of Battle, or, according to the filename, The Book! of NINE Cheese~!, multiclassed into a modified version of the Holy Liberator from Complete Divine. Immunity to charm/compulsion effects, plus smite evil and smite chaos made the last two books fun.)

-I hate you and Kyle and I wish both of you were dead. (Because I wound up doing about as much damage with martial maneuvers as Vaeryl, our elven cancer mage, did with his DARK ELDRITCH MAGICKS. Did I mention that our CotCT party was completely %&^@ed up in more ways than usual? Because our CotCT party was pretty %*&@ed up.)

-...Damn it, Snorb. (Remember what I said about Smite Evil, 34-pound greatswords that are taller than two humans, and martial magic? Remember how there's a magic sword that is the only thing that can kill Ileosa at the end of Crimson Throne? Guess who wound up critical hitting Ileosa with a quadruple-damage Large mercurial greatsword that was channeling martial magic? Kyle did. Fun fact: 12d6+160+8d8 Slashing damage, max results explode, did enough damage to bring Ileosa from full health to -Constitution score. That STILL didn't kill her. It took Shadfrar the Barbarian giving her a coup de grace with the magic Ileosabane sword to finish her off.)

He got a Large blue dragon to die of massive damage and made a +4 Belt of Physical Might out of its hide. He soloed a danse macabre. He survived the Harrow Deck of Many Things magicing him to the Elemental Plane of Air. He then survived a demon sending him to Hell by saying "I wish you'd all go to Hell!" He TKOed Ileosa Arabasti on the luckiest critical hit of all time. He survived (accidentally) marrying Amiri (yes, that Amiri) and fathering a child with her. Kyle was *(^&@(%ing awesome.

Years later, when one of the players rebuilt his CotCT character to appear in another campaign (and take advantage of Ultimate Magic/Combat/Equipment/Advanced Racial Guide), I offered to rebuild Kyle so he wasn't as broken.

EDIT: Huh, didn't think that word would get censored.

Last week. Our group's Jade Regent game where the party seems to want to make me the DM suffer.

The group, after an accursedly-long journey through the Western Wall Mountains (book 3) and a really pointless journey through the Forest of Spirits that I ultimately literally fast-forwarded them through (book 4) they finally reach civilization. Ronin are met, plot is partially dumped, and the group goes on to storm the bandits' fortress while Jiro and his men keep the remainder busy.

(A sidenote: I don't care what it says in the damn book about aggroing the entire bandit camp and sending them after the party, Tito Leati evidently never had a ninja with Greater Invisibility and Sap Mastery in his party, nor did he have a vanara monk with Lunge, Greater Trip, Combat Reflexes, and Vicious Stomp. I do. They could ditch the other party members and take the whole rest of the damn adventure path themselves.)

So the bandits are getting butchered by the wave, the weretiger is knocked the hell out by said ninja, the druid is equally unconscious, and then I get to the bandits' leader. I look at the name.

I look again.

I say "Hell no. I'm calling him anything else but that."

The party asks me what I mean.

I start to say "I'll think of something else," but then I say, "You know what? I should have made a bard to go along with him. Coming out of the fortress with his eight guards, you see a man with a jian and a wooden shield sort of prance into the courtyard, as if he were riding a horse. He is wearing an ugly blue surcoat over his leather armor, and a pair of smoked goggles cover his eyes."

The Party: ?????
Me: (as the barbarian leader) I am Gangnam Style!

Then I show the group the stat block for Gangasum, who I keep insisting on calling Gangnam Style.

Yes, we did the entire fight against him while the song was playing.

Yes, he did yell at the oracle's ass. (Her ass was mad.)

Yes, the ninja and the monk trivialized him, too. But I succeeded.

I made the Gangnam Style dance canon in our world.

in our carrion crown game we have a three man shield wall (plus channeled shield wall, which we house ruled to a sacred bonus rather than deflection). It works nicely. Check out Knight of Ozem as a good shield user prestige class.

Also, none of us shield bash (dex is way too low)

Not only is my Dex too low for proper shield bashing, I'm using a tower shield. You, me, and Harvey the Wonder Cleric are a literal wall. =p

McGann is 17 years older than when he was on the show, but they can explain that as the Eighth Doctor living for centuries after his appearance in the TV movie and before his regeneration during the Time War. I think it's impractical to bring back any of the older Doctors.

Actually, they can bring back Paul McGann easily- one of the Big Finish audio dramas had a new picture of him included, and he had his real hair (not the wig he had in the movie.)

More interestingly, he's no longer wearing the Wild Bill Hickok costume from the TV movie. He's wearing what looks like the Ninth Doctor's jacket and slacks.

(The picture in question is here: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbbwaaglao1qha1hwo1_500.jpg)

I know there was a small book that suggested some favored enemies, I just don't have access to it at the moment. (I think it suggested undead, monstrous humanoids, animals, and outsiders eventually?)

And I revised the build slightly.

1. Point Blank Shot, Precise Shot
2. Rapid Shot (bonus feat)
3. Deadly Aim
5. Weapon Focus (Longbows)
6. Point Blank Master (Longbows) (bonus feat)
7. Clustered Shots
9. Dodge (?)
10. Shot on the Run (bonus feat)

So after much waffling between a cleric (whom I affectionately called BATTLEPOPE) and ranger (tentatively called Rangest) I'm gonna go ranger for Reign of Winter.

Any good ideas for favored enemies? (I'm going Infiltrator Ranger.)

Also, my planned feat build is:

1. Point Blank Shot, Precise Shot
2. Rapid Shot (bonus feat)
3. Deadly Aim
5. Dodge
6. Improved Precise Shot (bonus feat)
7. Clustered Shots
9. ???
10. Shot on the Run (bonus feat)
11. ???

Ishikawa's Purse was the awesome gold throwing as shruken item loved it...

Thank you! Never saw it come up in the voting on my end... I was assuming the whole time "whelp, looks like the 'only monks or ninja with Flurry of Stars can use this' is gonna kill it!" But I'm glad you liked it, Solspiral!

Orthos: It was named after Ishikawa Goemon, a Japanese folk hero who was famous for throwing money like shuriken.

You know, our friend left the game between sessions due to moving issues. I don't quite think this warrants an obituary, but there's nobody to play his character, so...

Name: Mike's Fifth Character Whose Name Eludes Me
Race: Nezumi
Origin: Seigyoku (our world's Japan.)
Adventure: Forest of Spirits
Location: The House of Withered Blossoms
Cause of Death: Left game, araneas

Uh...: So I promised that as he left the game, I would give his fifth character an obituary that measured up/mocked him, just like I gave Duster Ross, Hadji Abobo, Fhen Fan, and Mokiyama before. He's gone through more characters than Doctor Who has.

Hide Behind the Pile of Dead Characters: So, his new character. A nezumi who was forced to leave Ordu-Agahei with the group's new healer, Megumi Ito. She's an oracle with the curse that causes her to break everything she touches, so she uses a broken Staff of Healing as her weapon. OJ Simpson jokes get made repeatedly. This is not Mike's new character. Mike's character is a nezumi wizard, who the group finds wandering in the Forest of Spirits and claims to be a guide. Very skeptical, the group takes him along anyway. He and Miyaro soon lead the party to to/shame the party into visiting the House of Withering Blossoms.

Moving On: So, the group goes through the first few levels of the House of Withered Blossoms, setting off (almost) every trap on the way over. The areneas are busy watching the group fight on, and they notice the grates in the ceiling. It is realized that the nezumi is the only one small enough to fit through them, so he "wins" the chance to investigate the next level.

Welco Metot Henex Tlevel: He reports back that "there's webs! Lots of webs!" right before he is beset upon by 48 araneas.

Forty-eight!?: I rolled really well on those Mirror Image castings. I get to see Mike's "D8" face and his character is nearly killed trying to squeeze back through to the party.

End of session.

Next Session: Mike's no longer in the game, so the first thing that happens is the nezumi is about to say something. Before he says in my voice, "I HAVE TO GO NOW. MY HOME PLANE NEEDS ME," something reaches through the gratings, latches onto the nezumi's head, and pulls him (very forcefully!) through the gratings. I call for Perception checks, and everyone gets to hear "what sounds like a nezumi wizard getting ripped in half."

So His Next Character?: (sweatdrop)

I can't decide how to PSN-style them, so... Xbox 360-style.

I *Crawl* Down the Corridor
Accidentally set off five traps you are aware of.

Dammit, Who Has the Most Hit Points?
Take over 400 damage during a single combat without dropping unconscious.

You're Gonna Sneak Attack With a Ballista?
Sneak attack any target with a siege weapon.

Trigger Unhappy
Survive ten firearm explosions.

I Cast a Spell
Kill one person with a maximized CL 9+ magic missile spell.

I Attack the Darkness
Successfully make ten attacks in total darkness. (You must have normal or low-light vision to earn this accomplishment.)

Crippling Overspecialization
Take every weapon-specific feat (Weapon Focus, Weapon Specialization, Greater Weapon Focus, Improved Critical, and Greater Weapon Specialization) and apply it to one weapon.

Rip and Tear
Deliver 200+ damage with a single melee attack.

Sneaky Petey
Every attack you made in one session was a sneak attack.

Save That Die!
Every attack you made in one session was a critical hit.

Butterfingers!
Every attack you made in one session was an automatic miss.

You Need a 23 on a Twenty-Sided Die
Succeed at five saving throws that would only succeed if you rolled a 20.

OhhHhHHHHHHhhhh, OH! Fumble!!
Fail five saving throws that would only fail if you rolled a 1.

Way to @$#%ing Kill Me, Dude
Be directly responsible for killing five fellow party members!

Join the Scout Service, They Said
Have your character die due to your party's badly misaimed spells.

Holy Crap Your Not Serious Are You
Take one level in the alchemist, barbarian, bard, cavalier, cleric, druid, fighter, gunslinger, inquisitor, magus, monk, oracle, paladin, ranger, rogue, sorcerer, summoner, witch, and wizard classes.

You know, I had this really boss obituary typed up, and right as I post it, they decide to run maintenance on the boards and that just completely obliterated what I had written.

Name: THUNDERcles~!
Race: Warforged Glaive Fighter/Accidental Paladin
Origin: The mad scientist's lair from back in Trial of the Beast, so I guess Professor Plot's gonna be pissed off when he finds out about this.
Adventure: Wake of the Watcher
Cause of Death: Ticks. Thousands of ticks.

We Haven't Played This Game In A Freaking Month: We make towards the totally creepy eeeeeeevil mansion that the Whispering Way was headed to in the swamps outside Illmarsh. After Tash, our satyr druid, turns into an earth elemental and goes burrowing into the stables "like Bugs Bunny," he reports that the house was probably abandoned. THUNDERcles~! decides that we must storm the house, and he makes the decision by kicking in the portico door. There is a chorus of "No! Stop!! You fool!!", "Wait! We should plan this out first before we bust in the door!", "Too late! He already *bash!*ed in the door!", and from our DM, "...What the hell is a portico?"

An Outdoor Porch Leading In To Your House: Well, whatever it is, the door leading in looks like a warforged put his right foot through it. He looks around and ascertains that it is all clear. That's when the ticks show up.

Spoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon: Ticks do Constitution damage through their blood drain special, but we as players don't know if warforged can actually be blood drained. Turns out, "Do you have a Constitution score?" means "You can be blood drained." The following conversation happens:

THUNDERcles~!: HA HA HA! DO NOT WORRY, INSECTS CANNOT STOP THE MIGHTY THUNDERCLES~!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH OH GOD MY BODY IS COMPLETELY FILLED WITH TICKS!!
Rita (Me): Holy crap! THUNDERcles~!, don't open your mouth! D:
THUNDERcles~!: GYAAAAAAAAAAH gbelo
Rita: Hold your nose and earholes shut, too!
THUNDERcles~!: (inaudible muttering that I'm pretty sure is in-character)

Tactical Espionage Inaction: Tash's wolf immediately drags Tash out of harm's way, while I introduce the ticks (and our unfortunately-positioned warforged) to my Burning Hands spell. "Unfortunately" is the important word here, because my Burning Hands spell that sounds like a blunderbuss because I'm all for thematic spell flavoring is somehow Reflex-halved by one of my two targets. (Hint: It wasn't the robot.) Our witch, seeing the lack of success on my part with Burning Hands, follows up with... Burning Hands. Guess which target halved that.

It Still Wasn't The Robot: THUNDERcles~! somehow manages to fail his Fort save to not be distracted. Another round starts, and Tash summons a magma elemental. I use my arcane pool to get Burning Hands back, and try again to light these ticks on fire like miniature Christmas trees. I should note at the third "Well, the ticks made their save!" I ultimately wound up doing more damage to THUNDERcles~! than I did to the ticks. I wisely decide to back up and allow the party to help out. The ticks, no longer satisfied with munching on a giant made out of starmetal, obsidian, and silver, decide to add Rosalina (the witch) and the magma elemental (the poblano pepper) to the menu.

It Tastes Like Burning: Round three. The ticks finally finish off THUNDERcles~! after a second failed Fortitude save to avoid distraction. I find out that a) magma elementals are immune to fire damage, b) Tick swarms are REALLY good at dodging, and c) I should start throwing more Fortitude save effects at these guys when I run Jade Regent again, considering how cursed we are at making these things. Eventually, the ticks get Rosalina also, a second magma elemental is summoned, and I blow through five arcane pool points to keep Burning Hands these ticks until they all finally die. I mourn the picked-clean skeleton that was Rosalina for four seconds before I mourn the picked-clean suit of heavy plate mail that was THUNDERcles~!.

Something (Bad) Happens As A Result of Magic: I go through the warforged's itempack and grab his money. As Tash mentions that he can't fix THUNDERcles~!, he can revive Rosalina. ("You mean on the cheap, or the right way?" as I touch my holy symbol of Numina. "Look," Tash replies, unconcerned that I'm nowhere near enough of a high-level magus/cleric to Raise Dead. "Just help me get a thousand gold together so I can get the supplies to cast Reincarnate.") Supplies are bought, Reincarnate is cast, and Rosalina comes back as an elf ("Tash, you screwed it up! Rosie's an elf now!" "He didn't screw up! I'm alive!"). I wonder if we can repurpose THUNDERcles~!'s body as a suit of armor now.

You know, I wish I didn't have to post so many of my own characters' obituaries.

Name: Nial Landen
Race: Human Detective Bard
Origins: Magnamar
Adventure: Shards of Sin
Location: That dungeon under the massive bridge I've been calling Gilgamesh's Bridge, just like the last death I posted.
Cause of Death: Mercy kill.

Explain!: Way, way back in the second session of the game, the whole damn party managed to catch filth fever. I was the only one stuck with it four sessions later.

Oh, It's Such a Low Difficulty: You try making a Difficulty 12 Fortitude save when your base save is 0 and keeps going down because you keep failing saves.

Things Get Worse For the Bard: So further under the great bridge, we run into a giant black widow spider the size of a car. It gets Advokat, my character's best friend, and the dwarf somehow manages to fail his save against the poison despite a) dwarfitude, b) having a Constitution and a saving throw worth a damn, and c) being a dwarf. Fortunately, the way we're all lined up in the tunnel allows this to happen:

ROUND ONE
Me: (treats the dwarf's poison despite not having a healing kit)
Pavel: (continues to have his eidolon attack the spider)
Ace the Eidolon: (attacks the spider)
Tszora: (continues to uselessly sling rocks at it through cover. She has Strength damage already, so 1d4-3 isn't going to help.)
Franklin the Mage: (is at the ass-end of the line, so he can't do much. Even if he didn't blow all his spells.)
The Spider!!: (goes after the eidolon)
Advokat: (makes his first save against the poison, continues to lie unconscious)

ROUND TWO
Me: (treats the dwarf's poison despite not having a healing kit)
Pavel: (continues to have his eidolon attack the spider)
Ace the Eidolon: (attacks the spider)
Tszora: (shoves a Cure Light Wounds potion into my hand)
Franklin the Mage: (is at the ass-end of the line, so he can't do much. Even if he didn't blow all his spells.)
The Spider!!: (goes after the eidolon)
Advokat: (makes his second save against the poison, continues to lie unconscious)

ROUND THREE
Me: (administers the Cure Light Wounds potion to Advokat)
Pavel: (dismisses his beaten up eidolon and summons a dire rat to replace it)
Dire Rat: (attacks the spider and gives it filth fever)
Tszora: (continues to uselessly sling rocks at it through cover. She has Strength damage already, so 1d4-3 isn't going to help.)
Franklin the Mage: (is at the ass-end of the line, so he can't do much. Even if he didn't blow all his spells.)
The Spider!!: (goes after the dire rat and tears it in half!!)
Advokat: (starts to stand up)

ROUND FOUR
The Spider!!: (attacks Advokat and knocks him back down)
Me: (stabilizes Advokat)
Pavel: (makes a new dire rat)
Dire Rat: (attacks the spider)
Tszora: (continues to uselessly sling rocks at it through cover. She has Strength damage already, so 1d4-3 isn't going to help.)
Franklin the Mage: (is at the ass-end of the line, so he can't do much. Even if he didn't blow all his spells.)
The Spider!!: (goes after me!)

You Copypastaed: Yeah. It didn't quite happen like that, but that's the gist of it.

So That Spider: So the spider attacks me, and knocks me unconscious. Good news: I stabilize. Bad news: My crippled Fortitude save earns me Constitution damage from poison. Did I mention that I'm already low enough as it is thanks to this @$%*!&#ing filth fever I've had for over a months' worth of sessions thanks to my inability to roll more than an 11 on s d20?

The Mercy Kill: So, finally, finally, the black widow poison finally does enough Constitution damage to kill off my bard. This is what I get for having 10 Constitution.

Oh, and they killed the spider after I drop dead. My friend who plays Advokat says of this whole affair, "Y'know, this was a @$&#ing brilliant idea that @#% noblewoman had! 'Oh! Let's hire a thug, a lawyer, a private eye, a peasant with a sling, and a halfling and hope they can find the most powerful artifact in the world! THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!'"

Law and Order: Los Angeles

Name: Kara of Rain and Thunder

Race: Human Barbarian

Origins: I originally said to my friend running this that she's from our world's equivalent of Australia due to her badassitude, so... what the hell. The Satan's Armpit Desert in another friend's part of our world which we pretty much said was Dark Sun.

Adventure: Tempest Rising (sort of.)

Location: The Wreckers.

Cause of Death: My sister!!!

Your Character's Sister?: No, my sister! D:

Things Went Off the Rails Already: When we started tonight, Mike the DM couldn't find the book. When the book was found, and our place in the adventure recovered and re-briefed, he added in some of the stuff he came up with.

Yay Homebrew!: I should have worried a bit when I saw him making a ninth-level wizard. Particularly when her ninth-level feat was "I Have An Extra Fifth-Level Wizard Spell Slot."

Ohh God: We didn't think that much of it at first as we debated just how exactly we were going to get a holy golden relic of the Passionate Tempest, considering we have one ship and don't want to tear the hell out of it on the Wreckers. This is the only time my character is ever accused of having a good idea when I say, "Kara thinks we should just put out back to sea, find another boat, kill everyone on it, and wreck that one instead. Kara likes killing things."

The Plan In Action: We come across a white ship with monks on a religious pilgrimage. We attack because, well, we're all kinda jerks. Mike the DM mentions as we close the distance that the monk in the crows' nest is the only one armed (with a bow) and I immediately go white.

Me: Oh, $@#+! He has a bow?!
Mike the DM: Yup.
Me: Jesus Christ, Explodey! New plan, guys- KILL THAT MONK FIRST.
Damien: ...Zen archer?
Me and Mike the DM: Zen archer! (Mike makes his :D face just as I make my D: face here.)
My Sister: So why are those so bad?
Me: Because they can only flurry with one weapon- their bow. And they can spend ki to make their bow's base damage equivalent to their unarmed attack's base damage.

Four Rounds of Flurry-of-Failure Later: We have a boat. And we orphaned the little girl who was aboard the monks' ship, which Kara (sort of) adopts. Sort of.

The Part Where Things Go Pear-Shaped: We get the monks' white ship through the shoals in the Wreckers successfully, as far as "tear the living hell out of the bottom of the boat thanks to this @*&*@%ing coral" goes. Then comes six shortboats full of mooks, which takes our sorcerer two rounds to cook with Lightning Bolt.

The Problem: That ninth-level wizard that replaced whatever we were actually supposed to fight here drops a Mind Fog on us. Failing that was not in my best interest, but what the hell. I'm the only one who can see in the fog thanks to my barbarian archetype, and the -10 penalty to my Will save ensues my guaranteed failure on anything mind-affecting.

The Guaranteed Failure On Anything Mind-Affecting: "Kill your friends!" and a Dominate Person spell. Roll 1d20-3, and I want to tear our gunslinger apart with my scythe. I am not very successful, and decide to turn my attention on our druid, who for some reason, has 15 Defense at 7th level.

The Gnome Fights Unfairly: He orders his crocodile to go after me after it's apparent that I want to kill everyone not named Kara. His last orders to his crocodile are "Muriel!! Kill!!!" before he fails two consecutive saves on Phantasmal Killer.

Jesu Christo, Uno Crocodillo: That bastard tears the hell out of Kara, and my sister's character decides to try and take me out of the fight.

My Sister: Okay, I'm nearby. I'm gonna use my shortsword and my humanbane trident.
Corey: You're gonna do nonlethal damage, right?
Sis: Nope.
Me: Bring it on! >=D

And she brings it on. She critical hits on the trident (one of three hits) and I go from 42 HP to -27. Getting knocked the hell out ends my rage, which puts me at -41. Kara dies as she lived- screaming in utter incomprehensible rage at the heavens.

The Replacement Tricorne Hat-Filler: A qinggong monk. We were given one free revival, which the entire surviving crew decided to give to Eustice the druid. I'm not particularly upset, mostly because I actually don't believe in reviving characters and I said, "Kara's happy now. She's in the Hunting Grounds, and she's enjoying her new weapon- the M-280 automatic rocket rifle."

I think this is one of those opportunities where you roll every single die available to the group, add each roll together, and multiply the result by 10.

Reflex halves, of course. =p

The current party for us, considering all of the original members died hilariously, is:

Tash (Satyr Druid 9) - Formerly had an awakened shapechanging roc named Birdie for his animal companion, but Birdie unfortunately got wasted by Vrood Circle of Deathing him. He now has an awakened shapechanging wolf named Roan.

Rosalita (Human Witch 9) - Niece of the professor from Trial of the Beast. She is, amazingly, the morality chain for our next party member...

THUNDERcles~! (Warforged Fighter 8/Paladin of Numina 1) - Created as a bodyguard by the professor to protect Rosalita, THUNDERcles~! is interpreting this as "taking her hostage and dragging her along in our quest." Started as a heroic sociopath who wanted to murder everything that was not us with his glaive, but actually went from chaotic neutral to lawful good on the spot when his (best, only) friend died to the same Circle of Death. Calls Rosalita "Millstone" a lot.

Rita Imito (Magus 6/Cleric of Numina 3) - Me! Has been very favorably (by me) compared to the Mystic Knight from Final Fantasy V. Has Broad Study (Cleric) as a magus arcana after realizing:
1. You can spellstrike any cleric touch-range spell through a falcata with Broad Study.
2. Cure Wounds and Inflict Wounds are touch-range.

This one... this is a story of a deceased character and the tale that led to his replacement, true to the best of my recall.

Name: Sain Golus
Race: Human Paladin of Numina
Origin: Whitespire, the capital of the Shattered Lands. Our group's Scandinavia, essentially.
Adventure: Broken Moon
Cause of Death: Arden Vrood. Circle of Death. Let's move on.

Wait, That's It?: Yes. Nothing to see here.

You Sure: Totally. Go read some other thread.

Wasn't Sain Your Character?: ..................yes

Bwahahahaha XD: ;_;

What Happened: After tearing through the skeletons outside Vrood's hideout, we confront the bastard himself. He Cloudkills us and we quickly find out that warforged aren't affected by it. The fight goes on, he goes invisible, attacks our witch, and finally decides to go Circle of Death on us.

Tash the druid's animal companion bit it on the spot, as did Sain. Turns out paladins aren't quite the unkillable juggernauts I thought they were in the Pathfinder Society days.

The Aftermath: The warforged, a CN heroic sociopath glaive fighter named THUNDERcles~! (yes, the punctuation is part of his name as far as I'm concerned) is allowed to immediately switch alignment to LG and take a paladin level. (As we described his stats, "Accidental Paladin~!") He immediately decides "SAIN WOULD WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO HEROICALLY SLAY THE EVIL WEREWOLVES BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL EVIL!!!!" Said werewolves all Smite Good the Smiting Evil warforged, melee ensues, and The Group: 5, Werewolves: 1 (Tash's summoned cyclops heroically died fighting, but I love how his player said "Okay, I'm summoning him right here. Great Cleave, and I'm using his ability. Natural 20, rolling to confirm that critical hit!!")

I Guess PRPG Needs Cyberpsychosis Rules?: Tash spends a week "mourning" the death of Birdie (read: mating with a female werewolf) while Rosalina (the witch) and THUNDERcles~! wait for him. During this time, THUNDERcles~! hallucinates that he's seeing Sain and assumes that he's being visited from beyond the grave.

"Sain": No, no, I assure you, I'm only in your head. By the way, not that I mind, but why is there a half-naked Miss Joylene on my lap? (Joylene is the replacement for Kendra.)
THUNDERcles~!: Hey, I wanted to imagine you as being happy in the afterlife!
"Sain": I am, thank you...

Naturally, this degenerated into the others coming up with their version of Sain, including a Carmen Miranda-esque sain named Sainorita. Amazingly, this is pertinent.

Once Tash rejoins the group with his new wolf, Roan, they need to get information as to where the Whispering Way will strike next. Our DM leads him to a magic shop run by...

Booke: Okay, Snorb, what's your character's name?
Me: Rita.
Tash: We're going to a shop run by someone named Rita.
THUNDERcles~!: ...Wait. Sainorita... Sain-your-rita.... "Sain, you're Rita!" SHE IS THE ONE WHO WILL REPLACE SAIIIIIIIN~!!
Me: Wow, that was a truly Batman-esque leap of logic there.

So the group now has Rita, a magus/cleric who has impressed THUNDERcles~! by actually having a background, unlike Rosalina the witch. I tell him in-character about how I can channel spells through my falcata...

THUNDERcles~!: BUT... YOU ARE A SPELLCASTER!
Rita: With a sword! ^_^
THUNDERcles~!: I ALWAYS ASSUMED THERE WERE TWO KINDS OF SPELLCASTERS-- CLERICS, AND COWARDLY SORCERERS/WIZARDS~!
Rita: Don't forget about magi! I studied, and I can spellstrike with my divine magic, too!
THUNDERcles~!: EXPLAIN!!!
Rita: Any spell I have to touch someone with, I can use my sword to touch with instead, so they get hit with the spell and the falcata. Inflict Moderate Wounds is one of those spells.
Rosalina: Too bad we're going up against vampires after the Cthulhu cult...
Rita: You know what else is a cleric spell I have to touch with? Diarama. (I rename my spells after Megaten/Phantasy Star spells. Diarama is Cure Moderate Wounds.)
THUNDERcles~!: THAT IS AWESOME! YOU HAVE IMPRESSED THUNDERCLES~!, RITA IMITO!!
Me: ...Oh my God, I just made the best class from Final Fantasy V.

Oh, hush. You make it sound like a miracle that we even survived the fight =p

Yep. It's one of those threads, and I get the (dis?)honor of starting things off. So time for one in my (hopefully?) legendary style!

Name: Patrick
Race: Human
Origins: Magnamar, I think. None of us are really too sure.
Adventure: Shards of Sin
Location: That dungeon under the massive bridge I've been calling Gilgamesh's Bridge.
Cause of Death: Dwarven Justice.

Our group consisted of, at this point-
Nial Landen: My human detective bard, respectful of all women and who tries to talk his partner out of hanging himself daily. ...Yes, he's named after a Phantasy Star III character.

Advokat Scroogestone: A middle-aged dwarf lawyer/inquisitor whose great-grandparents, grandparents, parents, and brother all "mysteriously hanged themselves." His only surviving family are his nephews Borist, Dorist, and Yorist, who screwed him out of his inheritance and got him exiled from the mountainhomes. He talks about "wanting to follow in me father's footsteps."

Pawevl: That's not how it's written on his character sheet, but I don't think the message board actually has a Polish character font, so it's getting typed as it's pronounced. Anyway, he's a human summoner with a bipedal eidolon named Ace. Pawevl freeloads upon the offices of Landen and Scroogestone's Investigation and Legalities daily.

Zora: A human crossbow ranger who has not only managed to lose two crossbows in as many sessions, but impressed us by fumbling on her very first attack roll and shooting a crossbow bolt into a mahogany wall. Yes, that joke from The Hunger Games was made.

Patrick: An about-to-be-deceased human knife fighter who loved daggers. In the very first session, he managed to piss off the Szarni to the point where they had him beaten up and robbed. Twice. He freeloaded on our detective business, too. He was utterly hilarious, as is his player.

Franklin Cohen: A human sorcerer who we found in the Tower Girls' privy. He arcane marks every piece of treasure we come across. His player is awesome. He is awesome.

So About That Patrick...: After getting beaten, stripped of our gear, and forced to equip an entire party for 115 gold (a surprisingly easy task!) we get our stuff back and beat some more foes. This is the point where Patrick, for reasons forgotten, spits on Advokat's beard. Advokat flies into a rage and starts old-man-whomping on Patrick with his cane while Patrick power attacks (with daggers!) trying to carve up the dwarf. Patrick loses the fight, to my surprise.

You Don't Really Think I'd End It There, Did You?: After healing our psychotic fighter back up, we fight some more opponents. Then he reminds the dwarf of how he spat on his beard. Advokat once again goes into Old Man Asskicker Mode and beats on Patrick while Patrick tries to award himself two ears and a beard. Patrick loses that fight, too. This is around the time where we found the illusory wall that hides an arch overlooking the sea.

They Got Along Swimmingly: Patrick's unconscious carcass is dragged over to the arch, with me trying to talk Advokat out of throwing him into the sea the entire time. Advokat uses his lawyering ability to explain that not only was it self-defense both times, he struck a Dwarven Advokat of Justice, and must be punished. His punishment: A 200' fall into water. All involved were cool with this (and laughing at it.)

We're back, baby! And with a loooong post!

Name: Mei Ling
Race: Human
Origin: Chong Kuo (Chong Kuo is our group's China.)
Adventure: Forest of Spirits
Location: In the caravan, just outside Ordu-Aganhei.
Cause of Death: You get my favorite Quest For Glory II quote here- "A mace to the face will make you race with haste to the nearest plastic surgeon's place."

Name: Mokiyama
Race: Kitsune
Origin: Khitan (our group's Mongolia.)
Adventure: Forest of Spirits
Location: Also in the caravan, just outside Ordu-Aganhei.
Cause of Death: Justice/HONORRRRRRRRRRRRRR~

....I Can't Wait to Hear This: So after an excruciatingly long trek through the Wall of the World (which took a couple months in-game and out), Pan Li's Repeatedly-Renamed Traveling Freak Show/Pawn Shoppe/Funeral Procession/Rock Band finally made it to Book Four and the city of Ordu-Agahei. Chua lets them in, and I expect the party's stay in their first actual city since the city of Tsai Tseng half a year ago to go like this:

DAY ONE: Party rock~ [BIT DO BIT DO BEE-WEEEET x4 or x5]
DAY TWO: Party's in the houuuuse toniiiight~
DAY THREE: Everybody just wants to have a good time~
DAY FOUR: Something something loooooose your miiiiiind~
DAY FIVE: Everybody just wants to have a good good time EVERYDAY AH'M SHUFFLIN'

That's Probably Not How The Song Goes: And it's not how the festival went, either. It was more like-

DAY ONE:
Mokiyama: Holy crap, you guys! Is it just me or is it really, really creepy here? Like that Twilight Zone episode where EVERYONE'S smiling because the king's smiling?
Pan Li: So... you can recognize when someone's being creepy?
Mokiyama: Yeah, and it's uber-creepy!
Qi: All right. Let's just attend this festival Prince Dakkar's holding and get the hell out of here.
Mei: Won't that offend him?
Pan Li: Do we really care? This place is creeping me and Mokiyama and Qi out.
Mokiyama: RIght! Creepy! Love you, Mister Pan Li~!

(A digression: Mokiyama's player, Mike, played him with a completely hilariously one-sided love for Pan Li. Pan Li is a vanara. Mokiyama is a kitsune. Have fun with that mental image.)

Party Not So Hearty: So, after Pan Li wrestles awesomely, Qi demonstrates that she's not the best mounted archer, and Mokiyama unintentionally wins a horse race while frozen in absolute terror the entire time, the group informs Prince Batislar Dakkar that they must be going now. And so, Ordu-Aganhei is closed to them, and while they make ready to leave, I spring the ninja ambush on them. Mei is hit during a critical hit-filled fight and starts bleeding profusely.

You Know You Only Get to Finesse Katanas in D&D Next, Right?: I know, and attack rolls were adjusted quickly. Getting back on track...

That Bleeding Diviner: So, Mei immediately starts complaining about wanting to be healed so she'll stop bleeding. Mokiyama heals everyone else in the group who needs it. While Pan Li is busy freeing Suishen from its resting place in the street (there were a lot of fumbles, too...) Mei starts alternately complaining/guzzling healing potions. And then Mokiyama forms a plan. An eeeeeeeeeevil plan.

The Plan: I go Ixgnot on Mei Ling during the night while Qi's out. Stealth Check 23
Coup de Grace 22 bashing
Fort Save 32

Ixgnot?: A chrysmal named Ixgnot snuck onto the caravan during the Storm Tower run. It mostly annoyed Mokiyama, and one night while everyone was asleep, he coup-de-graced it into crystalline pieces.

Why Nobody Stopped This: Most of the other PCs and important NPCs were asleep. Qi was sneaking back into Ordu-Aganhei to steal some scrolls in the hopes that one of them was a Regenerate scroll. An errant critical hit cost her a couple fingers during the ninja battle.

While the Ninja's Away: Mokiyama enacts his sinister plan, Mei fails the Perception check to hear Mokiyama, Mei's skull is utterly crushed by the mace. For good measure, the kitsune stabs Mei's flattened face with one of the katanas picked up in the ninja battle. Qi returns to the caravan just in time to hear the mace thudding into Mei's head, but thinks nothing of it.

And Then: The next morning, Mokiyama's handiwork is discovered, some old-fashioned forensicology is called up, the realization that swords don't leave baseball-sized bruises or crush skulls is made, and Jai-Li (the Ameiko replacement) asks everyone (with help of Charm Person) if they killed Mei. Mokiyama, the only character on the caravan with a bludgeoning weapon, resists Charm Person, and when asked if he's hiding something, replied "I'm hiding MANY things!" When directly asked, "Mokiyama, did you murder Mei Ling?" he replied, "Well... define 'murder!'" This earned him a Greater Trip/Vicious Stomp from Pan Li, and an invisible sap sneak attack from Qi.

Frontier Justice: A tribunal is called, consisting of Pan Li, Sandru, and Jai-Li, where they decide they can't just exile Mokiyama- the prince of Ordu-Aganhei hates him, and if it's known he killed Mei (the prince's obsession), he'd be executed. The consensus: Seppuku. Jai-Li's boyfriend Makoto goes and grabs a tree branch, where this conversation takes place:

Pan Li: Doesn't he use a sword for this?
Makoto: (chopping at the branch with his wakizashi) Well, first he'd contact his lord to ask permission to commit sepukku. If the lord sends his ancestral sword in response, he's saying "Look, I absolve you of whatever it is you've done, but you still have to go through with this." Now... if he sends a wooden sword, like I'm making now, he's saying "I don't think for one second that you have the courage to actually go through with this." He'll need a second to stand by to decapitate him once he impales himself.
Qi: If he doesn't cry out, right?
Makoto: Right. If he does, leave Mokiyama where he lies.
Mokiyama: Umm... Can I Knowledge (Religion) the significance of the wooden sword once I wake up? =D

For Honor/Honour: Mokiyama impales himself on the bokken, and voluntarily fails the Fortitude save to not die.

What Now?: The replacement characters are a Lawful Good samurai and either an oracle or druid. I hope they know what kind of mess they're inheriting.

Having already had our asses whomped twice by Whip Girl in book one, my character (a very respectful-of-women Detective Bard) pretty much said this when it comes to his "I hate to be violent against women..." stance:

"When it applies to her? No. Not really. Not this time."

Considering two of the other party members said the third defeat's signaling their retirement (and our recent defeat led us to a shoestring budget of 115 gold sovereigns to equip the entire party- thank God I stashed a garnet in my character's office XD) I think this is justified.

Ah, the initiative thread!

Last month, I was working on a d20 remake as part of a contest on Something Awful, and I had initiative as a skill for all five (yes, five!) classes in-game. It worked just like Saga Edition/4e: Roll a d20, add your Wisdom modifier, add half your character level, add 5 if you're trained, add another 5 if you have Skill Focus (Initiative.)

(Yeah, I kinda realize that if you luck out in character creation, this gives you +15 Initiative at first level. I enjoy having characters go first in combat. =p)

You know, I'm not too sure what to say about this one, really.

Name: Caravan Combat

Races: In this particular case, eight hoarfrost spirits.

Origin: Redmond, Washington

Adventure: The Hungry Storm

Location: Somewhere between the Storm Tower and Ul-Alcorn.

Cause of Death: Utter bull$@#&.

This Is Awfully Meta: Yeah. It is.

So What Happened: After three sessions, the group finally leaves the Storm Tower, and I'm amazed that they didn't go in just to go kill the chrysmals and loot the good stuff they had. The party's on their way, and I roll a random encounter for the very first day's travel out.

Nothing the Party Can't Handle, Right?: If they were on foot, then yeah. Nothing they can't handle.

So the Utter Bull$@%& You Promised: ...If I can answer "What's the caravan's Defense?" with "Okay. 'Don't roll a one.'" and "How much Health does the caravan have?" with "D: D: D:" maybe I should take a nice long look at the math involved in caravan combat. I roll an attack, and I actually say "Hell no. No. $#&# this, I'm not rolling 8d8+4. That's way too much."

Indeed: I know. My best friend insists I roll it anyway, and the caravan takes 38 damage. The caravan makes a second attack roll, and deals middling damage. I should not taunt the party with "Oh, $@%&, son! They only have one hundred Health left!" I roll again, and the caravan (which had a total of 70 Health to begin with) is two-shotted. Everyone involved, myself included, agree that this is utter B.S. and should not happen at all.

The Part Where We Pull a Prince of Persia: We look at the caravan rules and see that there's rules for retreating. A successful Security check is made in the replacement second round of combat, and I sum it up with "Okay, you guys are all terrified, but safe. Pan Li's safe, Qi's safe, Huda's safe, Mei Ling's safe, Mokiyama's safe, Jai-Li's safe, Makoto's safe, Sandru's safe. You're all safe but scared out of your minds. I won't bore you with the details of your miraculous escape from the hoarfrost spirits you could have easily wasted man-to-man, and I'm never running caravan combat ever again."

Because My Group Loves It So Much: I choke on my words when I realize the next encounter is Dead Man's Dome. I remain true to my word and turn it into what I think was a pretty decent melee combat.

Turin: I guarantee you the replacement will not be dying ingloriously.

Coridan: And they were awesome cutlasses! Looking forward to THE REPLACEMENT tomorrow. >=D

Oh, God. One from last night.

Name: Captain The Drow Pirate Ro'Byrts

Race: .....Look up. (HINT: It sure as hell ain't a samsaran.)

Origins: The Underdark.

Adventure: Raiders of the Fever Sea

Location: Storming the Tower near Port Peril.

Cause of Death: Racial, uh, "feature" gone horribly horribly wrong.

There's Got To Be A Story Behind This: So, after raiding the Pellaen treasure ship I mentioned in the last post, we come across the replacement for Livia- Paul, the brother of George Anger Hawkins from above, and he's a Pellaen knight. This means "revolver." (A digression: When asked to describe his character, he starts to show us a character picture and our DM says "No. Bad Player. TELL us about your character, not 'show me Rudy Roughknight's picture.'" He eventually came up with "Well, I have blue hair." And that's it. Mike the DM actually does the Jean-Luc Picard facepalm, and I almost say "No @$&*. Ami Mizuno has blue hair. Rei Ayanami has blue hair. Naoto Shirogane has blue hair. BE MORE DESCRIPTIVE.")

Digressing D: : Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Anyway, after a harrowing adventure on the GHOOOOOOOST SHIIIIIIP (read: wasting a bunch of undead in three rounds and my character turning the ship's bell into a gong with her bare hands) we pull in to Port Peril and decide to raid that tower.

Several Rounds of Rum Later: The Nightclaw makes way for that tower, and when we get there, we give the mooks inside enough time to make ready for us. Turns out picking at a lock for a couple minutes, threatening to shove a gnome through an arrow slit, and scything through a door in barbarian rage kinda makes noise and alerts whoever's on the other side of where you're trying to B&E.

A Murderin' We Went: My sister's half orc wades into combat, I become a whirring circle of gory death, the gnome sends his crocodile in to thin things out, our new gunslinger actually does a competent job, and Ro does awesomely setting me up for a Butterfly Sting. Then...

DISASTERIFFIC: A lucky critical hit from one of the mooks not only drops Ro to -14 health, but also drops his Constitution to 6. ("I was dead anyway!" he said. "I only had 11 Con! D:") Our druid moves in with a Cure Moderate Wounds spell at the ready. The realization kicks in as he casts it on Ro that drow have spell resistance. "But Snorb!" I hear you say through the internets. "You can turn off spell resistance as a standard action!" All well and good, but when you get polymorphed from "Dual-cutlassing drow with a kick-ass pirate crew" to "Lifeless humanoid-shaped piece of inert matter bleeding all over the masonry," you can't really do much of anything besides expire (messily.)

So, 'Bout That Spell Resistance: At fifth level, Ro has 11 spell resistance. Our gnome needs to roll a 6 or higher on the caster level check to save the Drow Pirate Ro'Byrts. "No problem!" says his player.

He rolls a 4. The Drow Pirate Ro'Byrts becomes the Stone-Cold Dead Drow Pirate Ro'Byrts.

Well, Gee, I Really Guess That Sucks: The party avenges Ro's death, and we come to the realization afterwards that my sister's character is now the captain. When the tower's mistress offers us the resources to have Ro revived, New Captain Gramross muses this, then says "We should revive him. But he's not the captain anymore." Then we all change our minds and say "Naaah." Going through his pockets doesn't make us feel any better- all Ro had was four Pellaen gold points.

So His Replacement?: I'm sworn to secrecy on that one, except for him being totally awesome.

...And no, he's not going to be the captain.

Name: Livia

Race: Changeling Water Elemental-Bloodline Sorcerer

Origins: I have no idea. She was described as "looking like that girl from The Ring," so... your guess is as good as mine here.

Adventure: Raiders of the Fever Sea

Location: At sea, appropriately enough.

Cause of Death: Negative experience with a friend-or-idol decision.

.....What?: Our valiant crew, now staffed with a druid we picked up to replace Jayce, decides "You know, we really need to work on building our reputation as pirates." We are given a choice: either go after some rink-a-dink barely defended cargo ship, or The Big One- a Pellaen treasure ship complete with man-o-war guard. This ship is stocked to the brim with gold and gems, but heavily defended.

Obvious Choice Was Obvious: So after ambushing the ship from behind at night, we board. Unfortunately for someone in this combat, the escort ship decides to grapple and board the treasure ship. That sucker ain't going anywhere. We find out that the treasure ship is captained in name only by a former player character of mine, George Anger Hawkins. (Yes, that is his real name. Just imagine Daffy Duck with rogue levels and that's George.) He calls his beautiful first mate/sex wench Isabella for a conference which went "Wench- conference! Undo your top more. Okay, now what the @$%! is going on?! We got boarded?! Kill everyone on that ship! And the other ship, too- they sucked at not getting boarded!"

An...y...ways...: So after mutilating our way across the treasure ship and the guard ship (with me roleplaying both Kara, my barbarian, and George, the Pellaen diplomat with serious mental health issues) Isabella boards our ship. She attacks Livia with a Lightning Bolt spell, and Ringu no onna goes down.

Doesn't That Mean "Woman of The Ring?": Probably, but my Japanese is eluding me massively.

So What Happened Next?: Isabella, realizing that she's the only one with any capability of fighting back, makes an offer: She gets away with the treasure ship, and Livia doesn't receive a second dose of Lightning Bolt.

Totally Worth It: The Drow Captain Ro'Byrts says "All right!" as do the rest of us. Chaotic Evil Me implies that not only am I cool with Livia being reduced to a greasy smear on our deck, I would totally help her out. Mike the DM rolls damage, I suddenly get reminded of how easily Sailor Jupiter curbstomped Nephrite in the Sailor Moon manga, Livia bites the green weiner at -35 health.

On The Plus Side: We got about 7 Plunder out of the deal, George Anger Hawkins' magic rapier, leather armor, Belt of Dexterity, and Isabella's Brine Rapier, Headband of Alluring Charisma, and Amulet of Natural Armor. And Ro gets Isabella handily delivered to his bedchamber for a few hours.

Oh Boy.: Too bad for Ro that Isabella took some poison and died, but not before revealing the treasure map tattooed on her back. The druid casts Make Treasure Map, and we realize we have a castle to storm.

So What's The Next Character?: A Pellaen gunslinger who left the Diplomantic Corps. He looks like Rudy Roughknight from Wild Arms 1, and has a feat that basically lets him make pistol ammo dirt cheap(er than usual.)

Hey, there! Snorb here! You may remember me from my extremely sarcastic and insulting Jade Regent party obituaries! Well, I'm just a player in Skull and Shackles, but I get to (per DM request) write the obituaries for this one! And I'm pleased to announce our party's first Skull and Shackles death!

Name: Jayce

Race: Human Oracle of the Waves

Origins: Cheliax, on the Pellean mainland.

Adventure: The Wormwood Mutiny

Location: The island whose name eludes me, so... umm... Gilligan's Island. Yeah.

Cause of Death: Devilfish

I Hope This Isn't Sushi Related: Not in the traditional sense, no.

So What Happened: In our effort to rescue our slightly-renamed cleric of Besmara and Captain Harrigan's ex-cabin girl from a couple of grendylous and THE WHALE, we ran into her guardian, the dreaded devilfish. He claims that he wants to "give us the mark of his queen" before he lets us have an audience with her. Good ol' Jayce willingly and cheerfully saunters right on up on his peg leg, walking across the water, to meet (the devilfish, certain death).

Only An Idiot Would Fall For That: Suuuuuure did. P.T. Barnum once said that there's a sucker born every minute, and this was that sucker.

What Happened Next: Not surprisingly, Jayce gets grappled by the devilfish. Hilariously, the tentacle attack that grapples Jayce is a critical hit that dealt Strength damage and broke his good leg. (Gotta enjoy the Lame curse combined with a peg leg.) Fortunately, there is a half-orc cavalier with a flintlock pistol, a drow swashbuckler dual-wielding cutlasses, a water elemental-blooded sorcerer, and my perpetually ticked-off CE barbarian with her scythe standing by to make some sashimi out of this truly ugly fish.

Surely This Valiant Band of Badasses Can Save Him: I'm writing this obituary, so... let's just say Jayce didn't quite win the initiative roll. What we hear next is...

Mike the DM: Okay, Booke, the devilfish is gonna pop you into its mouth with its SAVAGE BIIIIITE. (rolls) Ohh dear. The, uh, devilfish threatens a critical hit on an 18 or higher...
Booke, Jayce's player: Yaaaaaaaaay!
Mike: (rolls) Hey, does a 19 confirm the critical hit against Jayce?
Booke: Yaaaaaaaaaaay!
Corey, player of the Drow Pirate Ro Bearts: (gleefully pulls up iCrit. We hear two offensively moist Piercing Weapon criticals.) Hey, Mike? Do you want to actually kill Jayce off, or just make him suffer?
Mike: Kill him off! XD
Booke: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Corey: Okay. The "kill him off" one was "triple damage." The one I have here is "double damage and [some other effect I can't be bothered to remember.]"
Mike: Okay! Normally, he does 2d6+4, buuuut... (rolls) (adds) You just took 45 damage!
Booke: ...Yaaaaaaaaaaay! I'm at -35 HP! I'm beyond dead!
Mike: All right. YOU see the fish lift you up and a horrendous fanged maw opening up beneath you, and then black. Everyone else sees Jayce get torn to shreds by the devilfish. ....Kara, you're up. What do you do?
Me: I rage and charge.
Mike: Oh, boy! He gets an opportunity attack on you with his tentacle! (rolls. I'm cringing because at third level, with rage and charge, my AC is 12.) But a natural one isn't going to hit you.
Booke: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Mike: (rolls again) And I really don't think an eight would hit you. He critical failed.
Booke: $@%& you, Snorb.

I'm surprised a splash into a river rusts the armour after 1 day so bad that it is a negative to its normal AC.

Oh, no, it got rusted out from the rust monsters. (And I got my math wrong about crossing the rope bridge. I had -10 from broken +1 full plate, -10 from the literal door strapped to my left arm, and +1 Dexterity, for a grand total of 1d20-19 for Acrobatics. THE PALADIN WAS HAVING SOME ENTERTAINING THOUGHTS ABOUT CROSSING THAT BRIDGE)

And yes, Quorra's player knew about taking 10. Her Acrobatics+10 wouldn't have been enough to cross safely (but not enough to fall!)

Ugh. I should have posted this in a more timely manner, but what the hell. This was just a trifecta of bad luck, suicidal overconfidence, and bad planning.

Name: Wynn Dane
Race: Human
Class: Cleric of Numina
Adventure: Trial of the Beast
Catalyst: .....Ugh. See below.

Name: Quorra Kepbrand
Race: Gnome
Class: Alchemist
Adventure: The same.
Catalyst: .....Embarrassing.

Name: Aux Meatfist
Race: Human
Class: Monk
Adventure: Continuing to be Trial of the Beast.
Catalyst: Just scroll down, you got this far already.

What the hell happened: After a landmark trial in which we get Bruce (the Beast) acquitted of all charges, he invites us to meet his creator. We set off a trap that bull rushes me into the water below the creator's mad science lab about 100' below. This is bad because I play a paladin who infamously uses full plate and a tower shield. Aux jumps in after me, and I make a decision to cast my masterwork tower shield off in order to save my life. (Considering I realized later that I also had a Rope of Climbing and our Folding Boat, I feel like an idiot.)

Anyways...: We reunite a day later and continue on into the manor. We realize something happened to the professor because it looks ransacked. While we split up exploring one of the wings of this truly messed-up place, Wynn sets off a trap that fires a poisoned arrow at him.

He's a Cleric, he can handle it.: He starts casting Lesser Restoration while the arrow's still in him (and he's consistently failing Fortitude rolls.) Unfortunately, Wynn's losing more Constitution than he's recovering, and proceeds to bite it after a few rounds. He doesn't call out or anything, so instead of finding him arterial spewing from the arrow in his heart, we find his body.

...Yes, he had antitoxins on him.

So that's one down.: We fight some rust monsters that rust out my armor. At this point, I have about 18 AC from rusted +1 full plate and a literal door on my left forearm (which we said counted as a tower shield with just 2 AC.) We come across a rope bridge. I do not look forward to crossing it with my mighty -12 Acrobatics. I stow my armor and door (somehow) and entertain crossing it with +3 Acrobatics. Instead, we make Quorra cross it first. Here's exactly what happened.

Quorra: It's okay, guys! I'm a gnome! I can handle this! (starts crossing)
Quorra's Player: (rolls Acrobatics. Gets a 1. Quorra does not have a much better Acrobatics than I do.)
Quorra: YEAAaaaaaaaaaiiiiieeeeeeeee~ .................*splash*

She takes more nonlethal damage than she has max HP, and our gnome takes a couple of lungfuls of water and dies. I'm a bit upset at this point, mostly because we just lost half the party in the span of ten minutes, and Quorra was the time-paradoxed daughter of my Rise of the Runelords character. But still, we press on-

Aux: Sain, I'm getting the hell out of here. Dis ain't worth it.
Sain (Me): No. We finish this.
Aux: YOU can finish this! Aux Meatfist ain't goin' one step further! We saw dat thing yesterday!
Sain: Aux, I assure you, we can handle this. We finish the fight, we avenge Quorra and Wynn.
Aux: ........A'ight. If ya say so. (starts crossing the bridge. He sets off a summon glyph, which brings out an erinys.)
Erinys: (shoots Aux)
Aux: (does not make the requisite balance check to stay on the bridge) $@%& you, Saiiiiiiiiiiiin~ (gives the middle finger the entire way down to his death)

The story of Sain Golus's not-so-miraculous escape is boring, and truly uninteresting at this point.

Patrick Stewart (And let's be honest, he can read any edition's grapple rules and you'd be all like "zOMG, Patrick Stewart makes grappling sound awesome!")
Felicia Day
Matt Smith
Rainn Wilson

Special Guest DM: William Gibson (because Hunter S. Thompson sadly isn't around anymore.)

Ah, why not.

Kara
Female CE Human Barbarian [Sea Reaver]

Feats
Human: Power Attack
Lev 1: Scythe Focus

...I should probably figure out what rage abilities she'll be taking. XD

Triple event this time!

Names: Vata Perada, Raju, and Koya Mvashti (NPC)

Races: Air Genasi, Human, and Human

Origins: Maharanha (Vata and Koya), Lepan (Raju)- Lepan is our setting's Nepal, and Maharanha is India

Adventure: The Hungry Storm

Location: The Ivory Wall, the mountains separating Lepan and Chong Kuo

Cause of Death: Yuki-onna

Triple Event This Time!?: Yup.

Holy Crap You're Not Serious Are You: 'Fraid so.

What Happened THIS Time?: When camping for the night on the group's return trip to Iaquat following a fight against the Great White Dragon, Raju (son of Iaquat's chief, and replacement for Jung Su) heard a woman asking for help in the snowy mountains. The woman (the yuki-onna) tearfully requests a healer, as her (non-existent) family is very sick and needs help. Amazingly, Raju falls for this. "What's your name?" he asks. "Yuki," says the yuki-onna.

You Can't Be Serious: Right after this, my best friend starts playing a video of Quest For Glory IV- specifically, the part where the Hero meets the Rusalka. I hope that my friend sees the big red flag "WARNING, THIS LADY'LL KILL YA." Considering I'm writing this, he didn't. Raju is asked to bring a healer. He wakes the alchemist up, as opposed to the oracle.

What Next?: Vata (the alchemist) goes to meet the yuki-onna, and tries to hand her a Reduce Person potion. While I ponder how incorporeal undead would handle a potion like that, I keep the player busy by trying to keep eye contact. He falls for that and gets fascinated. He fails the Reflex save against Eyebite and goes comatose.

Meanwhile...: Raju is waking everyone in the caravan up. The oracle doesn't want to get up, but at least Raju wakes up Qi, our group's ninja. After yelling (in- and out-of-character) to get an actual healer, they get Koya to come with them. They find Vata comatose and injured by a Cone of Cold.

And Then...: Yuki starts things off with Ice Storm. Raju fires his bow, Koya and Qi both wisely get out of the Ice Storm. NONE OF THEM think to drag Vata's comatose body out of the Ice Storm field of effect, and Vata promptly bites it. While Qi's keeping the yuki-onna busy with Invisibility and Air Walk, Koya and Raju group together... just long enough to take a Cone of Cold. Koya was already heavily injured by Ice Storm, so she proceeds to flash-freeze as well. Raju also dies of the stupid because he was within ten feet of Koya and he was already pretty beaten up, too.

So basically, the party basically killed a quarter of Iaquat's population including the hearthmistress, disrespected them, and got the chief's only son killed. They @$#!ing ruined that town. On the plus side, Qi soloed a CR 8 monster.

Name: Nam Jung Su

Race: Human

Origin: Sejong- our homebrew world's equivalent of Korea, which I think I mentioned last time I typed one of these out.

Adventure: The Hungry Storm

Location: Tunuak's Burrow

Cause of Death: The party. Again.

Please Tell Me You Didn't Kill Your Friend's FOURTH Character: Nope! Different player's character, this time!

Oh. So, What Happened?: The caravan makes it to Iaquat with... some difficulty. Mokiyama, the kitsune oracle of nature, is nearly eaten at a peaceful rest by two giant carp. This is played up for as much horror as humanly possible- for about five seconds, when the party realizes that the carp are saying "Karp. Karp. Magikarp." over and over again. Then the witchfyre at Point D nearly kills off the entire party. Those incidents aside, Iaquat was supposed to be a nice peaceful rest.

Buuuuuut?: They wind up killing 28 people.

...What the Hell is Wrong With Your Group?: Nothing. They just found beating the crap out of Tunuak, hitting Sonovut in the face with a +1 adamantine light mace, and throwing an alchemical bomb into a mob of piss farmers easier than talking to Tunuak and trying to calm him down.

So, About That Bore: During the second fight against Tunuak (and Naquut and the hoarfrost spirits), Mokiyama casts Bestow Curse on Jung Su, crippling his Constitution. Vata, the group's sylph alchemist, decides to use an alchemical breath weapon to take out the hoarfrost fiend. The fact that Jung Su is in the field of effect is not really of any concern. Jung Su dies in the fire, and a couple of rounds later, breath weapons the body again "just to make sure." (After looting first.)

*sigh* What's Next?: Apparently he's going ranger.

Oh, shoot, I forgot to do dice rolls in my last post. XD

1d3 + 15 ⇒ (2) + 15 = 17
1d10 + 6 ⇒ (6) + 6 = 12

1d3 + 15 ⇒ (3) + 15 = 18
1d10 + 6 ⇒ (2) + 6 = 8

1d3 + 15 ⇒ (2) + 15 = 17
1d10 + 6 ⇒ (2) + 6 = 8

EDIT: Awesome, an 18 and two 17s! ....Less awesome, two 8s. Oh well. =p

Corerue, if you're gonna run in this (admittedly awesome-sounding) setting, and you've got room for one more, I'd be willing to play a most honorable samurai from Qin!

I have no idea how I missed this thread. Anyways, I'm running this for our group in our homebrew world. Right now, the group's preparing an assault on Raven's Peak (a slightly renamed Ravenscreag), consisting of:

Pan Li- Vanara Weapon Master Monk- has branded the caravan first "Pan Li's Traveling Freak Show and Circus." Following several deaths in the city of Tsai Tseng, it has been rebranded "Pan Li's Traveling Mercantile and Pawn Shoppe." [Family friend of Sandru.]

Chai Qi- Chong Kuan Human Ninja- the younger sister of Chai Jai-Li, the unwitting heiress to an empire (a substitute because Ameiko showed up in an earlier game on the other side of our world and, uh, died. If you're reading this, thanks, Steve.) [Obviously, younger sister of Jai-Li.]

Nam Jung Su- Sejong Human Monk/Cleric- Jung Su is twelve years old and has asked every bartender in every civilization hub for ale at a tavern. He has been refused every single time. Looks like Aang from The Last Airbender. Sometimes the voice of reason for this party, sometimes makes me want to reduce him to his component spell components. [Foster child of Koya.]

Vata Perada- Sylph Alchemist- Vata is directly responsible for getting one party member killed, is lackadasial, and shrugs off a lot of stuff the party gives him. His player is awesome. Vata has an alchemical tentacle, which makes the party joke about girls in schoolgirl uniforms. [Originally hero worship of our Shalelu replacement, but the replacement got killed in her sleep. Go read Fhen Fan's obituary in that thread for more info.]

Mike's Fourth Character- Kitsune Planetouched Oracle of Nature- Will be joining the party tomorrow. That's all I know but Mike is, like the rest of my group, TOTALLY AWESOME!

Lin did not get revived- my area of the world's the part of the world where revive magic (aside from Reincarnate) doesn't work. (And even if it did, nobody in the party or caravan's high-enough level to revive anyone.)

And believe you me, Liam, they found out. The party's reactions, in rough order:

Vata Perada- *shrug* (rolls over, goes back to sleep after incinerating Fhen with one of his alchemist bombs)

Pan Li- Oh, thank God. Lin was getting really annoying- and she was incompetent, too! (The Ransacked! event happened while she was on guard at the caravan. Somehow ninja managed to evade her and every other person in the caravan just to ransack some stuff.)

Nam Jung Su- This is unconscionable! Qi has to be punished! (Note: Qi's sister, Jai-Li did punish her by almost cutting off her hand, but just left it with "I have given you your hand. If I must ask for it again, I will take it, Sister." Jung Su doesn't believe this is punishment enough, but he's a 12-year-old lawful good cleric.)

Chai Qi- Damn it! Fhen didn't pay me in advance! >_< (Also, her player justified Qi's killing Lin to my satisfaction after the game.)

Fhen Fan- Well, she's not really in any mood to judge, because she took a firebomb to the back of her head, but considering she solicited the hit, I'd imagine she's pleased in whatever messed-up afterlife exists in our group's world.

Name: Fhen Fan

Race: Human

Origin: Sejong, our group's variant of Korea.

Adventure: Night of Frozen Shadows

Location: The City of Tsai Tseng, within the caravan

Cause of Death: The party.

...What.: The party's alchemist, Vata, saved her life during the battle against the earth elemental with a well-timed bomb. She developed a crush on him, but then she realized: Vata Perada is sleeping with Lin Mao (catgirl gunslinger/ranger, replacement for Shalelu.) This needs to be... remedied.

Seriously, What The Hell!?: Fhen's player draws away another player and has a private conference. When they return, giggling, I recognize what's going on. The note the other player passes me confirms it: During the night, I coup-de-grace "Drunken Bullets!!! XD" girl.

"Drunken Bullets" Girl?: Lin used to make ammo for her blunderbuss while she was drunk with Duster, who I mentioned back on page one.

Anyways...: During the night, Qi (the group's ninja, and sister of our Ameiko replacement, Chai Jai-Li) sneaks into the wagon Vata and Lin share and decapitates Lin. When the killing is discovered the next morning, Fhen tries to bluff her way out of admitting complicity in Lin's murder.

So What Caused This? Really?: Fhen says "I caste Haste and get the hell out of there!!!" provoking two opportunity attacks, both from our weapon adept monk and our monk/cleric. Afterwards, Vata stops her with one of his alchemist bombs.

So That Takes Care of the Cremation, I Guess: Yup.

Now What?: Mike makes his fourth character- a halfling nature oracle.

Snorb wrote:

Name: Hadji Abobo

Location: The City of Tsai Tseng

Hey Snorb just curious, what have you changed to fit JR into your home brew world? Just noticed that this doesn't take place in Karlsgard.

Reebo

The group started in our equivalent of Bangladesh (Bengali) and are headed to the equivalent of China (Zhong Guo). Right now they are in Khitan, our world's version of Mongolia. Instead of the Crown of the World, they have to get a guide to get across the mountains between Khitan and Zhong Guo.

And Karlsgard's replacement is Tsai Tseng. =p

Name: Hadji Abobo

Race: Human

Origin: Maharanha, once again in our group's homebrew planet. Think the equivalent of India and you've got it.

Adventure: Night of Frozen Shadows

Location: The City of Tsai Tseng

Cause of Death: One supremely pissed off barbarian.

What the Hell Happened?!: Critical hit from a +1 battleaxe with Power Attack. Hadji takes it to the jejunum and dies miserably.

Explanations!: The party was advised by Sandru to keep a low profile as the caravan arrived at the city of Tsai Tseng. I guess the definition of "low profile" in Maharanhan Common is "throw a big &(^@%ing circus!" Party racks up 2d6 Notoriety. They publicly ask about the men sent to kill them (MOAR NOTORIETY!!!) and sell the tiger's head armbands (not only more Notoriety, but the pawn broker said "If you sell these, you are dead men! If I display them in my shop, I am a dead man!") Enough Notoriety is racked up that the Mistaken Identity event happens.

And Then?: Hadji decides to go to the Amber District to find the pawn shop that had Suishen and runs into Motoki, said barbarian above. He accuses Hadji of poisoning his horse, demands payment, both Charm Person and Diplomacy are attempted by Hadji, then he makes the mistake of showing his eidolon, a snake. Three guesses what happened.

Buuuuut...: Mike's made his third character, a human summoner named Fhen Fan. Her eidolon is the Origami Bushi, a samurai made of folded paper.

Name: Duster Ross

Race: Human

Origin: Pellaos, in our group's homebrew world. Think Wild West meets Australia.

Adventure: The Brinewall Legacy

Location: Brinewall Castle

Cause of Death: Decapus

More Specifically: He marched forward through the crypt, his pistol holstered, after the goddess of death and dreams (read: The decapus's Minor Image spell) offered him her boon for doing so. When we found out the "boon" was "tentacled death," the party gets a-fightin'. Unfortunately, the tentacle + constrict damage pretty much killed Duster. He would have lived had the group's monk/cleric not insisted on taking a second level of monk.

However...: He's cool with it, because he has a new character concept now: Hadji Abobo, a vishkanya summoner/bard.

I do agree with those last few pictures, AntiElite- a bipedal eidolon should look "off," like a Persona (though I'd prefer to have mine look like Persona 4's Izanagi.)

As for the reaction they should draw from the general public, Final Fantasy XII has the perfect quote for that-

Shopkeeper: Umm, sir? Can you please leave that... thing outside? It's scaring away the customers.

Oriental Adventures, and the corresponding update in Dragon #318. Simply discard all the info about Rokugan and tailor what's there for your own needs (races, some monsters, a choice few pieces of equipment that aren't in Ultimate Combat.)

I think the ancestral feats can be used as traits, too, with a little tweaking, as well as the Iaijutsu Focus skill.

This happened a few hours ago during the group's trip to the goblin fortress in book 1 of Jade Regent. The party naturally slaughters the goblins and behead Chief Gutwad (who presented himself in-game as "King Gutwad, King of the Goblins!!!") but this leaves a conundrum: They have no way of getting to the next plot point because the goblins are all, well, dead.

Cue the messenger. One lone goblin returns from patrol in the swamp, singing horrible songs about fire and pointy death like all goblins are wont to do. The group hatches a plan immediately:

Chai Qi, Jung Sa, Vata, and Duster: We hide in the next room.
Pan Li: Okay. I pick up Gutwad's head and hide behind his throne.

The goblin comes in. He sees what he assumes to be Gutwad, but the body is propped up in the throne and Pan Li, the group's vanara weapon adept monk, is manipulating Gutwad's severed head with his hands to make it look like he's still alive.

Goblin: King Gutwad!
Pan Li: There you are! Where were you!?
Goblin: On patrol, like you ordered! Everyone's bleeding and Idiot's went for a swim in the pool (read: Strangled to death by the alchemist and left to float in the algae-soaked pond.) and some of the pals' heads are mush and-
Pan Li: YOU FAILED TO PROTECT YOUR PEOPLE! YOU MUST COMMIT SEPUKKU!!!
Goblin: Noooooo! I failed again! First the skeletons and now this! ;_;
Pan Li: Skeletons!? What skeletons!?
Goblin: The skeletons! You were there, Kingie!
Pan Li: Tell me of these skeletons!!!
Goblin: They were human but no meat just bones, and they were all like "RARRGH TREZUR BOKSES" and tearing us to shreds, and were like "AAAaaahhHHh!" and-
Pan Li: Where did they come from!?
Goblin: They came from the cave that's on the map in the super secret treasure room that you told us never to go into or mention or-
Pan Li: Silence! How do you know of my treasure room and my map! You must commit sepukku!

And then the hilarity begins.

Goblin: .....Will I see the Dark One?
Pan Li: .........Yes. Yes, you will.
Goblin: (he takes out his shortsword, and sticks it through his ribs. I proceed to roll absolute minimum damage, and he makes the Fortitude save to not die.)
Pan Li: .....
The Group: .....
Goblin: .....Dark One? Is that you?
Pan Li: Oh, *)&^! this. (he throws Gutwad's head at the goblin.)

This whole night was just one hilarious point after another. =D

Let's see... Vampire Killer was always described as a whip, as Krispy said before, but don't forget Castlevania III let you power it up to a chain whip and a long chain whip- I don't see why you can't use a spiked chain as an equivalent Vampire Killer (eventually giving it +# Holy Undeadbane).

Don't forget that as the group's resident Trevor Belmont expy, you have the subweapons- throwing daggers, throwing axes (or battleaxes combined with Throw Anything), flasks of holy water, a +1 Returning boomerang shaped like a crucifix, and an antique pocketwatch (for flavor purposes because the pocketwatch sucked.) Maybe some +1 Studded Leather armor, too.

I'd say go fighter, actually.

My group's using this in the Asian-inspired part of our world

Yet Another Nekojin (Humanoid [Nekojin])
+2 Dex and Cha, -2 Str: Nekojin are agile and possess eager, cheerful personalties. Their slim build detracts from their strength, however.
Medium: Nekojin are Medium size. They have no bonuses or penalties due to their size.
Fast: Nekojin are fast for their size, and have a base land speed of 40 feet (8 squares).
Low Light Vision: A nekojin can see twice as far as a human in low light, such as torchlight or by moonlight.
Lithe: Nekojin receive a +2 racial bonus to Acrobatics and Stealth checks, and +4 racial bonus to Climb checks.
Natural Weapon: Nekojin possess a natural claw attack that inflicts 1d4 slashing damage per hit. This is a primary attack, or a secondary if the nekojin wields a manufactured weapon. Either way, she must have her hand free to use her claws.
Slow Fall: A nekojin within arms' reach of a wall may use it to slow her descent. She treats all falling damage as if the fall were 10 feet shorter. This stacks with any other slow fall distance granted by a class (such as the monk.)
Nekojin speak Common and Neko.

The line "Patchwork people... I had an umbrella just like you once!"

Unless it was Sixth Doctor who had the umbrella. Time to go through the DVD stack!

(And how did I miss the Fifth Doctor reference! >_<)