Smokey Bogwash's page

I hate you all.

I ate you all.

Long dash.

Ggr-rog-nard wrote:

Dragonborn3 wrote:

You may also be a paizo nerd if you have aliases that you are not using in pbps but are still active.

Hey!

Moooo!

Don't look at me, my PbP folded ...

Leprechauns are wussies.

the thing in the bed wrote:

MMmmmmm......so....hungry....

MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Come back 'ere, ya slab of beef!

Why won't this thread die already?!

Tarren Dei wrote:

Ummm ... okay ... would this be an appropriate time for a comic-thread-jacking?

::Holds a rubber chicken up to Tarren's (screen) window as if it were a gun.::

Get outta that thread! GET OUT!

::C0cks the chicken.::

I'll do it! Get out of that thread! You're being comic-thread jacked, fool!

"COoks the chicken?" I love cooked chicken ... oh, you said 'COcked'. That's something different, isn't it?

Smokey starts scouting around for any place that people throw away garbage.

"Red Night?" says Smokey. "Good enough for me."

Smokey heads towards the Red Knight Inn.

"Did that guy just tell us to help ourselves?" Smokey asks. Very cautiously, expecting to be reprimanded at any minute, Smokey begins to remove things from the equipment pile into his own pile. With the meticulousness of a compulsive horder, he claims the following items.

Can I stay in your house while you're away?

Can I?

Lost post.

Logos wrote:

The pinch faced man sniffs his nose at you gnomish direction and says " I had a hard time telling under all that dirt, and don't gnomes have a good sense of smell, honestly I can barely stand you ..." a roguish grin breaks the old man's face as he looks straight at you and asks "are you any good"

"Good sense a smell doesn't mean we smell good. ... Am I any good at what? Suckling at danglies or stealing things? ... I used to be good at both but now they smell me coming and going."

The pinch faced man sniffs his nose at you gnomish direction and says " I had a hard time telling under all that dirt, and don't gnomes have a good sense of smell, honestly I can barely stand you ..." a roguish grin breaks the old man's face as he looks straight at you and asks "are you any good"

"Good sense a smell doesn't mean we smell good. ... Am I any good at what? Suckling at danglies or stealing things? ... I used to be good at both but now they smell me coming and going."

1> Race
2> Occupation
3> Religion
4> Special Needs? __Aquatic __Special Diet __Other

1> Gnome ya iddjit.

2> I steal things.
3> I worship the mother-of-all-creation, the fat many teated sow ... may all suckle at her little danglies.
4> Alcohol. Lots of it.

"Yeah, and what in the nine hells are we doing here? I indistinctly remember trying desperately to teleport into a wall."

"Rust consumes all."

Rust for Smokey.

The ogre collapses in a brutal gelatinous heap, and smokey's song is broken by the death of the head chef. A angry buzz is begining to spread amongst the crowd....

The blink dog looks up at you and says "we ought to be getting out of here..."

"Your place or mine?" says Smokey.

guys we need to take the ooc to ooc ** spoiler omitted **

The Blink Dog stops dead when he relies the extent of damage that happened to the brave young dragonborn warrior. A mourning howl cuts threw all the jaded and world weary aspects of everyone into that small part of the soul that feels fear of two things, predators and death....

'Damn, that could have should have would have been me!' thinks Smokey.

The crowd's disdain of you lot is becoming clearer every moment ...

Smokey Bogwash steps up on something ... anything that is not moving really ... and begins to croke out a ballad:

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life that's full.
Ive traveled each and ev'ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way....

Smokey is attempting to cast enthrall.

Smokey: You have your choice, Dirty Butchers Knife, or red hot spar.

Either one could cause Smokey harm, so he's happy. I think I'll chance infecting myself with a dirty butcher's knife.

Smokey grabs the butcher's knife and charges the ogre.

1d20+6=15 ... higher if he is allowed to charge.

Smokey rolled a 1 for damage. I assumed it was a 1d3 weapon but, in any case, can't get lower than a 1.

Arronath is somewhat surprised that so many would leap to the aid of a beast that is not known to them, especially as they are not fellow followers of Saluwé but none the less prepares for combat.

Initiative Roll: (1d20+4=7)

Smokey doesn't give a dog-darn about the hot dog. He's just got a weird combination of a deathwish and a strong instinct for self-preservation. This may create some trouble for you.

"C'mon big guy ... I'm sure I'd make a better meal than that measly little thing. Why don't you try to take a bite out of me."

Smokey glances down once to make sure he's wearing his boots and extends the middle finger to the ogre.

1d20+1=21 initiative

If the ogre charges me, I attempt to teleport behind the ogre to the area where the animals are being roasted. I'm hoping that a spit will make a nice, improvised weapon.

Arronath pads along with the group, keeping a nose out for the 'puppy'.

Smoky read here for OOC ramblings...
** spoiler omitted **

Smokey tags along with bored disinterest.

Pointing at Arronath, "Barkeep, a drink for my friend here. First blood, eh."

"Here, here! The girl did well," admits Smokey hesitantly.

"B**** spilled my drink. One of those had to be my drink. ... Mother-of-assymetry tear this b**** apart."

Smokey looks around for drinks left unguarded by those watching the confusion.

You are waiting impatiently as a blast of psionic force comes flying from the far end of the cart. Patrons and tables go flying and are litterally smashed to bits as a odd looking women one with spikes all over her, graps the struggling gnome by the throat and rasps

"Vhere Have Vou Vaken Me, Where is Vhis, Vhy am I here, Vho are you, Vell me or Vi Vill Kill Vu"

"That B**** spilled my drink!!!"

There are none, The other patrons are dressed in much the same manner as you, each with a particular item sticking out, most often worn , but a handful of greataxes and other weapons lay about, all carefully held.

"Bunch of cheapskates!" Smokey calls out to no one in particular.

Smokey uses the time to size up the clientele, looking for dangling and unguarded valuables.

1d20+3=18

"Something lethal. Bogwash! I can drink it. Give me the foulest smelling, stomach-churning, gut-rotting poison you've got!"

Bence stands, Walks over to the cart door and looks over his shoulder for a moment...

"...Coming?"

He then leaves the cart and making sure not to go to the back cart as the Gnome requested.

Smokey gets up and follows them but only after shoving as much food as possible into his mouth and pockets. He calls after them but with his mouth full of food whatever he says becomes a mumble: "Wayduhp, oo duh puggahs".

I've almost got my character sheet ready. Sorry for the delay. It's amazing how much getting hit by a car going 70km/hr takes out of you. :-). I put my signature item in the ooc thread and will get my 10k in gear together soon.

"I sense that all is not well with you little one. If you have a problem you need discussed, I am more than willing to try to aid you. Otherwise you can rejoin the others in the common room."

Phoebus gestures to the basalt stones set in the wall

"Just walk to the stones there and say 'The World Serpent Inn' in Common and you will be returned."

Smokey mutters something that could pass for a 'thank you' but was probably obscene. He walks up to the stones and says 'nni tnepres dlrow eht' in hopes that tonight will be the night that 'she-who-suckles-snakes-at-her-many-teated-bosom' will let him die.

"Well the foods not to bad, I think I might take a look at the other carts ... would you gentlemen care to join me?"

Bence begins to dress.

"That sounds like a sounds like a sounds like very good idea," Smokey chimes in a sing song voice. Bowing to those sitting he said "Ladies."

Sharinda wrote:

Sharinda yells out across the room "Phoebus!"

"I think he will recover. The drink seems to have paralyzed him, but he will need some rest and recovery. I sense a deep sickness in this little one's soul, perhaps I can work on him in my chambers."

Phoebus gently gathers the paralyzed gnome up and carries him back towards the back hallway.

Hearing what sounds to be a raucous toast, the twisted creature awakens from his slumber. Never one to pass up a drink, he grabs for whatever vial Phoebus keeps in his chambers, slams it back and gargles "To ... to ... ??? xawagyg?"

"I'll have you know that I am a Val, descendant of the Valenor and thus the gods themselves." With a disdainful sniff, he takes and starts to daintily pick at some bread.

"Yep. He's a girl," mutters Smokey to no one in particular.

"Saluwe? Your god? I have not heard of that name before." Steiner says in between bites.

"I never heard of 'Arronath', 'Dellenov', or 'Saluwe' and I never seen a boy look so much like a girl before ... except elves. Are you an elf?"

Sharinda, still waiting to call for medics if Smokey actually gets up the courage to quaff the Bloody Apocalypse, notices the newcomer at the table

"Welcome, cutter. Will yeh be needin' any food or bub?"

Sharinda starts gathering up the emptied plates in front of Karrin.

"Always like to see a bint with a healthy appetite." Sharinda beams

Seeing the concern in her eyes, Smokey suspects this might be a way out. If she-of-the-cavernous-womb -- the goddess who tortures Smokey through his nightmares -- won't let him kill himself, perhaps a 'bloody apocalypse' will help. To ensure no one tries to resuscitate him, Smokey stands on his chair and yells: "Bow down and worship she who copulates with forces unknown and splurts out the universe. Let the beautiful assymetrical children rise and gnaw on your bones." and then knocks back the bloody apocalypse.

"Bye meatcheeks," he says to Sharinda "Thanks for the drink."

I bet they're eating rich folks /And gnawing on their ears,
They're probably drinkin' cold pee,/Soon they'll be crying tears,
Now they know they had it comin',/They know they can't be free,
But those people keep a-squiggling,/And that's what tastes good to me.

Smokey doesn't acknowledge his companions for a while licking his lips and trying to capture the words of the song he heard in his head with each repetition getting less and less likely until finally he snaps out of it.

"Smokey. Hiya handsome. Oh, we are lovely today. Bogwash. Morning breath to you too, isn't it? Smokey Bogwash" he babbles.

Rather than waking screaming as he usually does, Smokey Bogwash is surprised to find he's singing himself awake:

I bet they're eating rich folks /In a fancy shiny bar,
They're probably drinkin' cold pee,/And smokin' big cigars,
But I know they had it comin',/I know they can't be free,
But those people keep a-squiggling,/And that's what tortures me.

Well, if they freed me from Redemption,/If that open plain was mine,
I bet I'd move out over a little,/Farther down the line,
Far from Redemption,That's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle,/Blow my Blues away.

And then he hears the short one say his favourite words: "FOOD?" he asks licking his lips with a disgusting long tongue.

Hi all. I will be getting with it soon. I was in a traffic accident yesterday (not my fault) and my car was totalled. No one was injured. But, anyhow, I'm dealing with insurance matters and such. Usually I am a regular poster in things like this.

Shake it off Tarren, ya crybaby.

Sharinda turns to Smokey and hands him a large glass. The drink is greenish, and fulminates slightly, emitting a faintly nauseous fog. A hunk of frozen something floats in the noxious fluid, looking like a chunk of an eviscerated grub of enormous size with a miniature humanoid head frozen in a grimace of agony.

"One Bloody Apocalypse, probably the foullest drink we serve. Course it doesn't hold a candle to you handsome. That'll be 7 gold if ya please."

Sharinda puts her small hand out to Smokey in anticipation of payment.

"Yer cute. ... How about I give you 20 g.p., I drink this down all-at-once like, and you rename it the 'Smokey Bogwash' because 'Bloody Apocalypse' is a silly ass name but it looks like smoky bogwash and ... and I'm Smokey Bogwash and ...and ... " Smokey trails off as the fumes begin to effect him. After staring into the fog coming off the drink like a fortuneteller seeing the destruction of worlds in her crystal ball, he comes back to this surreality with a start declaring resolutely: "And I'm the one who's going to drink it!!"

Smokey Bogwash wrote:

Cato Novus wrote:

Wow, this is still going? It seems the proverbial horse has been beaten into a bloody mass...

Now all that's needed is for someone to figure out how to sodomize the remains.

Nic?

"Yumm. Bloody mass of horse! ... As soon as you're done sodomizing it, can I have the ribs?"

"Ah called dibs, pipsqueak!"

"Listen handsome. You can't call dibs when I'm already sitting here with my chopsticks out. Now go find your own dead horse"

Wow, this is still going? It seems the proverbial horse has been beaten into a bloody mass...

Now all that's needed is for someone to figure out how to sodomize the remains.

Nic?

"Yumm. Bloody mass of horse! ... As soon as you're done sodomizing it, can I have the ribs?"

"I've got just tha thing fer yeh. Be right back with yer food folks."

Sharinda hustles off towards the kitchens

Smokey grins and leers as Sharinda hustles away.

Then gazes around the room thinking 'Bunch of ugly freaks!'

"So what's yer poison, berk?" Sharinda inquires sweetly

"Ya serve poison? I thinks this is my kinda place. I'll take the vilest, gutrotting, cowspew that ya've got and keep it coming," says Smokey leering.

Sharinda looks up, plants her fists on her ample hips and looks around the table

"I'm gon'ta need ta see some jink to settle up the tab so far cutters."

"Ya, Shortey. Yer kinda cute. Have ya got a little gnome in ya? ... No? Wuddya like one? ... hehehhe."

Bite me, Tarren, you dumb pencil pushing geek.

And all worship the Pregnant Mother! Bow down before her cavernous womb!!