Smagnavast the Black's page

Why are people so opposed to what others find fun?

Hmm. Generally because they're small, weak and irrational, easily squash-ied beings, not appreciative of the fact that a dragon has the natural right to take whatever it wants from inferior species and to make them squeal and hurt for fun.

If more frail, puny, humanoid things were prepared to acknowledge that they exist solely for the convenience of the Greater Races (the greatest of which is naturally Dragonkind) - to be tormented, to labour, and to suffer at our pleasure - we'd all get along much better.

-Smagnavast the Black, giving a dragon's perspective...
;)

Harrumph. I shall have to have words with that barrister the next time that I see him.
<flounces off in a huff>

Oh confound it and botheration. You're that succubus that dwarf thought up.

This is not how you hijack a thread. Everyone knows that you need some ma_d__s t_ _a__sh. And some knights as crunchy snacks.

That was not what I wrote.

This is not how you hijack a thread. Everyone knows that you need some ma_d__s t_ _a__sh. And some knights as crunchy snacks.

Hurried and grovelling apology.

Smug remark that thus far Smagnavast is lord of all the Dragon Aliases of a particular poster, going by diversity of thread appearances.

Yes, well, there have been a number of interesting exchanges on this thread, but to drop by with the perspective of a large - particularly magnificent - dragon on this business, if one of my minions tries to fob me off with 'I didn't have time to finish it properly, boss', then I generally eat him, her or it. Occasionally, if it's an otherwise usually competent minion, I take it out on their friends or relatives instead and point out to the minion in question: 'Well you should have started it sooner then.'
Fah! If there were a dragon running Paizo, there'd soon be a lot fewer mistakes or a much higher staff turnover...

Smagnavast the Black wrote:

A long-winded, evil diatribe...twice

Seriously, Smagnavast? You are expecting me lend you some "Helpful Hints" on how to remove stains of the innocent from your carpets???

Very well....I have an answer for you:

** spoiler omitted **

Hah! That tickled.

Actually I kept my posts exceptionally succint. I know what short attention (and life) spans you mortals tend to have, even without serving yourselves up as irresistible hors d'oeuvres.
Seriously though, you lot pretend to be all honourable and fair and just and all that crap, and then engage in the most blatant and hypocritical species discrimination with regard to failing to apply your same standards to all manner of other at least equally sentient races.
If a group of armed brigands broke into your temple intent on doing seriously bodily harm to the regular occupants and looting the temple's possessions, you're trying to tell me you wouldn't take them to pieces? And yet you think it's consistent that whilst it's alright for you to do that you consider it insufferable that I take apart a group of uninvited thugs and looters who trespass in my home?
I also find it interesting that you apparently rank minor devils as being 'innocent' in your self-styled 'holy outrage', when referring to the beings that I inadvertantly crushed. A being of lesser wits than myself might be bewildered by this, but of course Sarenrae and Asmodeus have a history going a long way back, and maybe there's some actual truth in what I had always (apparently mistakenly) believed were empty rumours about the exact relationship of Sarenrae and Asmodeus before she became a deity. Or perhaps you were referring to the trio of halfling pit-fighters, brutalised by a couple of dozen years in Cheliax whom I inadvertently squashed as 'innocents'? (I interrogated the last surviving warrior of Abadar amongst the raiding party as to the origin and make up of the group before putting him out of his misery, just to be sure I'd caught and dealt with them all.) No, actually, I think my first instinct that you were referring to the minor devils as 'innocents' was more likely... Those halflings certainly weren't, even if whomever organised the mission seemed to have left the whole group less than adequately briefed on my sheer size, power, and magnificence.
I much appreciate, however, the subsequent wave of zealots you have forwarded in my direction after the invigorating scale-scrub you afforded me earlier. I now have quite sufficient to fill my present 'Sarendrops' obligations, and you can stop sending them. I shall forward the relic to a suitably remote hermitage of your goddess amidst the sand dunes of northern Garund. Dragons can afford to occasionally be magnanimous to you lesser races (if we're in sufficiently good moods).

Smagnavast the Black.

Regarding my previous post, whilst you were taking so long thinking about it, I discovered an elixir distilled from clerics of Sarenrae which is good for both removing unfortunate stains AND for relieving my slight negative energy allergy.
I'm thinking of marketing it (discreetly) amongst dragons with a tagline of 'Sarendrops: The elixir which leaves you and your lair with a warm sunset afterglow'. I need more clerics and holy-warriors of Sarenrae however, as I've used up that last batch your church sent to try and retrieve the relic. Could you ask them to send some more please, otherwise I will eat it?
Yours,

Smagnavast the Black.
(Full name not worth bothering lesser beings with too little time to live with.)

I'm looking for recommendations to remove the stains a group of devils and holy knights left on the floor of my lair last week. Obviously I kept them away from the valuable tapestries, and dealt with the largest most apparent threats in a manner which would not leave permanent ichor and/or blood-stains all over the place, but once I started to 'clean house' afterwards I discovered that I had inadvertantly crushed to pulp a number minor devils and halflings that I must have slithered right over without noticing it during the fracas.

Furthermore, since this whole incident has been a shade embarrassing, it's possible that I need to cut back on the eating-rich-merchants thing and engage instead on a diet of substantially lighter fare. I've had to rule out the obvious choice of undead given that I've had a slight allergy to negative energy ever since I snacked upon a delectable demilich approximately five hundred years ago, but I've narrowed my options down to clerics of Erastil or clerics of Desna. (I figure that with all the outdoor exercise that their respective deities encourage them to get they get they should make for much less fatty eating options.) Which would you recommend that I eat?

Finally, I appear to have come by a holy relic of a saint of the church of Sarenrae from the 10th century Absalom Reckoning (as you funny humans currently count the years). Which venue should I return it to as thanks for your assistance (assuming I don't get bored and simply eat it if you take more than a day to respond)?

This thread is just so much poppycock. There's a much more pressing need for a dragon subforum. The succubi (or so I have observed) already have at least one ENTIRE forum to themselves; the least Paizo could do is give creatures as magnificent as dragons their own subforum.
Whilst we're at it, though, GM agents of mine beg that I put in a request for a GM evil plotting subforum, politicians want a political subforum, Evil Power-crazy Monkeys of Doom want a subforum, and old-school cross-trading 'loths are threatening to be really rather unpleasant and put some berks in the dead-book unless they get a subforum where they can swap yarns about the good old days and deride how the youngsters these days are so delightfully innocent and naive and manipulateable...
Honestly, a dragon's work is never done. There's almost no time to just sprawl on a hoard and count coins.

...stuff plus some ridiculous claim about aliases...

<snorts>

Speak for yourself. I consider myself every bit as real as you. If anything, you're the bizarre dream or nightmare which I have.

However, I concede that it is quite illogical to expect most puny humanoid things to be able to match a dragon for etiquette and standards.
And now, if you will excuse me, I shall retire to my hoard.

Posting with the perspective of a large, magnificent, black dragon I find it occasionally comedic to summon a horde of invisible stalkers, then drop meteor swarms on a building so that the occupants come rushing out in a panic straight into the arms of attackers whom they can't see.
I doubt that those providing my entertainment find the circumstances or my intentions amusing, but to be frank in that situation their perspectives don't matter one jot to me. The significant thing is that I am having a jolly good chuckle, as are any of my draconic colleagues or underlings whom I have invited along to watch.

However: if I were to pull a non-lethal prank to divert a bunch of lesser beings (such as temporarily turning their hovels into jelly with a handy minor artifact), and they failed to find it funny, I would at least have the manners to apologise to them for over-estimating their capacity to appreciate my wit. Well: that is to say that I'd apologise to those still around to listen to me. It goes without saying that I'd have to hunt down and force to listen to my apology any who'd run away.

Dear Paizo Messageboards OTD forum,
Upon having had whatever silly human laws are in the way of a dragon from another end of reality being declared supreme executive revoked (which shouldn't take long given the shortage of magical weapons capable of harming a dragon of my age and magnificence in your metaphorical neck of the dimensional woods) and been duly appointed to office, my top five priorities would be as follows:
1) Make Fort Knox the new official residence of the President of the United States. Clear out any extraneous 'security' stuff, and make myself at home there.
2) Invite several human chess grandmasters and astronomers around to converse/amuse me whilst the menial servants occasionally bother me with more trivial day-to-day matters of state.
3) Deal with those inadequate laws which define silly little terms of presidential office. The pathetic two terms allowed currently are hardly sufficient for a dragon to get comfortable on a new bed.
4) What the heck is this obsession which you people have with Nuclear Weapons??? Your alchemists should be working on much more useful projects such as reliably transmuting lead into gold in a manner that leaves no unpleasant smells or tickling tingles to a dragon lying on the stuff.
5) Demand tribute from any nations which still have royal families. Tribute may delivered in the form of serving men-at-arms, large quantities of gold and jewels, or beautiful scantily-clad princesses. Invade anywhere else. If they don't have a royal family or are run by a dragon, they're not a real nation anyway.
There are a number of other things that are on the list of things to do, but those are the current top five.

Your Prospective New Executive Tyrant And Overlord,

Smagnavast the Black.

The final villain will be a pushover. Relatively speaking. If they had invited a real dragon (such as myself) to be the final villain instead of a silly little girl, then TPK would have been guaranteed in the surprise round.
Ah well, the Paizo editors have to give the players a sporting chance, I suppose...

Hrmmmph.
Flies out.

Ooo! A new fwiend!

Whose pet is this? And I asked 'pet', note, not 'Pett'.

Spicer. There appear to be some heavies in dark suits and glasses out the back. Something about a bill from last year regarding a leaked release from an unofficial bard's publicity office, and Gulga Cench said they could take it out of you...

;)

*sigh* looks like no 2010 tag for me.

Nonsense. Didn't you know THE DRAGON FACTION WON SEASON ZERO OF PFS ORGANISED PLAY! (Which was why Mr. Frost did not announce the winner.) As a dragon I am certain that YOUR ITEM HAS MADE THE TOP 32. It's just that sometimes Paizo find it prudent not to make announcements about the activities of dragons, and so skip over mentioning us in favour of highlighting lesser mortals. And you can start designing your Round 2 entry, safe in the knowledge that you will be asked for it in secret, even if not in public.

Now perk up, chest out, spine erect, deep-breath, and claw-claw-bite, tail slap, wing smash, lightning-breath those nasty little devils trying to tell you that you're not good enough.
Uh, if they're demons, of course, you'll have to forego the breath weapon...

lastknightleft wrote:

You hear that b%*~!es, all I'm sayin is the better be a ton of Birthday Cake up in here when I come rollin' out (Ice cream cake or Cheesecake are preferred none of that cheap frosting crap, if you're going frosting it'd better be fondant or buttercream)

"Ohhhh, I've got your cake right here."

::evil grin::

Hmm. That's not fondant or buttercream on it though, is it?

A little birdie tells me that a bunch of marketing text was recently written by a certain Events Manager and that said text was used for some web-related functions that may or may not have something (yes) to do with PaizoCon 2010. That little birdie also told me that something could quite possibly be on the store blog about just such a show sometime this week.

Said little birdie was a five foot high fire-breathing Atrickian batsnap warbler. (Which had acquired the fiendish and feral templates.) I was scrying it at the time. And the events manager (barely) managed to subdue it. Still, that was quite a lot easier than nailing down contracts for venue hire...

<Wanders off to beat some bushes regarding PaizoCon UK 2010 venue hire.>

Dear Mr. Logue,
Charles Evans 25 is unable to post to this thread right now, for reasons involving a smart alec answer about the air speed velocity of a coconut-laden swallow, but if he were able to come to this thread and post, he would like to know a number of things:
1) May entries for the Sinister Adventures monster or treasure hoard competition which were not selected by yourself be reworked and submitted for Wayfinder #2, which apparently is desperately short of crunch?
2) What evil article of infinite doom and peril have you and Mr. Pett contributed to Wayfinder #2? If not such a fiendish article, what advertisements? If neither article nor advertisements, how did yourself and Mr. Pett not come to know that the Demon Queen of Victuals and the slippery amphibian are taking submissions for Wayfinder #2 at this very moment?
3) What is your credit card number?

Actually, he didn't want to know that last one, but I, however, was interested in discovering if (by changing your credit card account the FBI approved 12 times) you had covered over the evidence of that 'minor misdemeanour' featuring three starspawn, a carniverous plant, and a two gallon drum of illegal mindflayer extracts that was the real reason that you missed that meeting with Yoda...

Your Evil Overlord,

Smagnavast the Black.

Kyle Baird wrote:

QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! Those ducks in a row yet?

No, but their breast meat was delicious with a nice merlot!

-Lisa

This is not the dragon you are looking for.

Paizo are currently running around lining up ducks in the hope of appeasing my palate. The Dragons, by dint of their highly skilled operatives, won season zero of Pathfinder Society (hence the events manager's tight-lipped position on this very subject on the PFS forums) and so naturally (and properly) Paizo have had to invite me, as official boards representative of the dragons faction, to PaizoCon '10. However due to some sort of health and safety regulations (ridiculous nonsense, I consider, since as a black dragon of my age and magnificence there is very little which causes me to feel either unhealthy or unsafe) and a requirement of some pettifogging bureaucratic nincompoops to supply my 'fingerprints' for some sort of travel documentation before I will legally be permitted entry to the country there is some doubt over whether I will be able to attend without encountering most of the United States' armed forces; anyway, to cut a long story short, Paizo are supplying me with ducks in an attempt to placate me with gourmet food in the hope that they can render me amiable enough to waive my right to attend.
The duck a l'orange, last night, I must say was quite good, almost as tasty and citrus flavoured as the three plump halfling chefs that prepared it.
I trust that that clarifies why Paizo are so busy lining up ducks.
This is still not the dragon which you are looking for, but oh look, over there, it is an african swallow laden with coconuts. What exactly is its air speed velocity?

Welcome to the looney bin Crystal Frasier !

The wolves will be here for you shortly.

; )

Nonsense. The wolves are all firmly under control. Repeating hand crossbows with silver tipped darts coated with wolfsbane tend to have that effect on the average lycanthrope of the werewolf type, with gold tipped alternatives for those occasional loup garou variants...

Now the dragons....
Ah yes, the dragons will be here shortly and are much more worth worrying about.
Also the balrogs.
And the flame-trolls.
And the things-which-aren't-supposed-to-be-named-lest-their-tentacles-drag-you-off- to-alternate-dimensions-to-witness-horrors-worse-even-than-those-of-the-old -editor's-pit.
But on the bright side at least the daughters of the morning are relatively civilised (or at least into etiquette) and unlikely to do much worse than offer a cup of tea and crumpets to someone who torches goblin villages on a regular basis. (As an aside I believe it is possible to get government funding for such 'urban regeneration' projects these days, even in backwoods Varisia...)

Trivial humanoids. The reason Josh does not reveal to you which faction came out on top is because it is THE DRAGONS that were the most successful faction. That's right, a faction which scarce few of you even knew existed up until this moment, and those few of you who did likely being 'in the know' because you were invited to join and are members.
Throughout the preliminary season, our agents have been accumulating a steady number of successes, defrosting Ulfen ships, dealing with troublesome secrets, and making sure that distilleries end up in the RIGHT hands.
I am pleased to announce a practically unique NINETY FIVE PER CENT success rate by our representatives in scoring the maximum prestige available, and that the five per cent of operatives who failed to achieve the standards expected made a very tasty entrée course at our annual conclave in the appropriate draconic library.
Josh will of course continue to disseminate misinformation, as per our instructions, refusing to acknowledge our faction's existence, or at least he will if he doesn't want to spend a week away from work again. (Did you really think a man with his Great Fortitude could actually succomb to pneumonia?)
I am pleased to announce that the resultant victory for the dragon faction means that the struggle of lesser beings will continue throughout the forthcoming season, our own operatives quietly amassing prestige whilst the other factions bicker and fail.
And will someone please tell that idiot Mengkare to stop preening himself? Yes we won, but he's embarrassing us.

<Wanders into thread and eats a cleric>
Damn. That one had the madness domain. Stop touching me inside, and digest, confound you.
Ah, that's better.
<Wanders out, trying to avoid the need to make any attack rolls or saving throws in the near future, and vaguely hoping for a skill check.>

I have a nice little tropical island somewhere approximately two hundred million years ago. The trouble with travelling in four dimensions to get there is go too far one way and you hit an ice age, and too far the other and you wind up in the middle of a shower of enormous meteorites causing mayhem and destruction. My island does have the advantage of being remote - most treasure hunters and anything capable of even remotely being an enemy literally wasn't even born yet - but proves problematic in terms of getting staff with opposable digits if I don't bring them in myself.
And the rate those prehistoric bayou grow at.... <shudders>... I've had to engineer a species of tree eating land-dwelling giant trilobites just to keep the view remotely presentable.

You people need to start thinking like dragons. Five years is NOTHING. I barely have time to count every coin in my hoard during five years, and let me tell you, getting my minions to properly silversheen the florins so that they don't tarnish is a major pain in the backside. Those silver coins are ALMOST more trouble than they're worth, what with having to keep alchemists on call and buttered up to maintain them in anything resembling a presentable state. (And let me tell you that alchemists are a few of the lesser beings you need to keep buttered up, since if they start deliberately brewing that silversheen wrong, they can make a real mess of things.) Still, it is tremendously satisfying to smash the occasional undead or other-planar interloper into a mountain of silver coins and to smell the acrid smoke (and hear the occasional squeals of pain in the case of devils) as the metal seers into them.
And moving offices? Don't talk to me about moving offices. It's cheaper and easier to 'persuade' a druid to divert a lava flow than to move lairs and a hoard that at the last estimate contained over fifteen million in coins, twenty seven major artworks, twenty-two racks of scrolls, three golf-bags of enchanted swords, ten suits of mithral armour, two pipe organs, the skull of a dinosaur king, and the admantine canary of Emperor Xoot. Oh, and those gems. They get EVERYWHERE. Last time I had a spring clean, I found handfuls of them in the bottom of the sandpit where I go to roll and shed my scales every decade. My minions were six weeks sieving sand, retrieving those gems.
You humans and half elves have no idea how easy you have it.

Perhaps.
The dragon seems to consider a moment.
I shall simply have to have a watch maintained on this place, and to drop by at an appropriate time convenient to me.
The dragon departs, taking the sack with him.

The more people who know about this, the more people might let something slip to a particular infernal relative of Lynora-Jill; which is why I prefer that as few people as possible know of what has been done.
If it is inconvenient for Azuri'ith to meet with me right now, perhaps you could give me some idea of when he might not be quite so busy?

Perhaps. And then there's this whole problem that I am, as you observe, a mighty dragon, who firstly has trouble squashing into most of those tiny little streets and alleys - and demolition and property damage is guaranteed if I try - and secondly whose presence will likely cause a panic, partly due to the property damage, and partly de to my natural majesty and power.
When I need something from that place, I have to send agents or arrange to meet someone on the edge of town, and frankly I'd rather handle this personally.

A moment, perhaps, yes; but I will not tarry long here, if he is engaged upon something time-consuming.

I require to speak with Azuri'ith, the grandfather of the late Lynora-Jill, the dragon responds to the djinn. I have something which may be of interest to him.

The black dragon, Smagnavast, flies into the Eyrie, a small canvas sack dangling from one foreclaw.

Sydnael Ardre wrote:

I'm tired of Chelaxian women. They're so... backstabby, if I say so myself (from experience of course). I want a girlfriend with a strong character and with whom to have good arguments that don't end in poison or slavery; I'd rather raise my voice and maybe get a bit more physical (take it as you may). Would a Shoanti girl be up to these standards?

Since the Shoanti appears to be occupied, allow me to advise you. My concubine and I have been together for what seems like most of recorded history, so I've dealt with similar issues a few times.

Your problem isn't where she's from, it's a failure to set firm boundaries in the relationship. If she understands that you'll murder her and transform her into an undead abomination at the slightest hint of disobedience, she'll be much more respectful. ** spoiler omitted **
After the relationship hits a few bumps, keeping that romantic flame alight will take planning. For example, if she stabs you in the back, it's nice to know that you've already put a special surprise in her morning tea. When she knows you're the sort who pays that extra attention to her, she'll take your concerns more seriously.

I thought Geb ran off with Arazni and made her his 'Harlot Queen'?

Why do you need to worry about anniversaries?

Beneath the eaves of a haunted forest, the black dragon Smagnavast meets with Shovastika, and takes possession of a sack from her. Then the pair part and go their separate ways.

At great personal expense I have sent Shovastika (epic level spymistress) to pick the Carnival of Shadows clean of stars (and to also head off potential problems of Ashaundra getting her hands on any of them. If she does get her hands on any pieces, it won't be from the Carnival.
Edit:
This is a personal initiative, and nothing to do with any hypothetical employer I may have, as will be made clear at some point.

Do I need to be able to change and adapt? Will that protect this place?

gotta shut down for the night

Perhaps. I need to think on this.

I'm off for the night too.
Good day to you.
The dragon takes to the skies, with strong wingbeats, and departs the Place of Winds.

I am not sure.

To a limited extent at least, your sister is capable of change and adaptation; and the fact that you are apparently much less so is currently a matter of concern for some of those who have the same objectives with regard to this place - that is to say its preservation - as yourself.

The Warden seems puzzled.

No. She has summoned me after all. And others. We Wardens serve the Board. We are Balance.

Are her actions comprehensible to you? Or do you not understand them, because it is not necessary for you to understand them?

The dragon addresses the Board Warden
So if she's your sister - either literally or figuratively - and you occasionally kill one another, it's possible for her, if she takes the gloves off and gets her own pretty little hands dirty, for her to personally kill you?
And will that stick if she does?

The dragon glances at The Bard.
His secrets, not mine.

So, with the goddess Lynora-Jill still off doing whatever divine things it is that she's doing, I take it that you are formulating a strategy to deal with the undead thing and her pet construct? She will be working out a plan to deal with the Board Warden, I expect, since he was the only thing which drove her off this time.
And she can probably be counted on to go straight for him if he shows up again, unless she has acquired subtlety in the interim. She has a preposterous level of arrogance for someone lacking the understandable justification of being a dragon.

The dragon appears to notice Nimora for the first time.
Hello little wet one.

It's just that if some blighter of an enchanter's forced that shape on you, against your will, then for a small consideration I would be perfectly happy to hunt him down and exterminate him if that helped you out.

The dragon glances at The Bard.
I take it you use that shape because you enjoy it?

And has anyone tried to determine what those gems are for yet? Threads or champions he's killed? Some sort of rechargeable power-boosting devices? Wards which have to be taken down before he can be destroyed?
That's twice he and his mistress have tried to destroy this place, and frankly, as a dragon and creature therefore of the air, it's starting to annoy me.

The dragon touches down.
That doesn't mean he doesn't have it but isn't employing it. Nor that he hasn't just regained some of that mastery.

A black dragon circles, then begins to descend towards the ground. Anyone who was here just after Bwaaaktor was killed might recognise it as the dragon that held the thread together until the Board Warden showed up.