Ryan. Costello's page

I am a Bi-Sexual man in my twenties who has, quite honestly, lived a charmed life compared to the average member of our community. When I came out in my teens I was accepted by both my strongly Christian family and my somewhat ignorant but good natured community.

I have never suffered from physical abuse or been assaulted, although I have faced plenty of prejudice and harsh opinions.

The most significantly defining moment of my life actually has nothing to do with realizing my own sexuality or dealing with it but is the innocuous event that first set me down the road of realizing the effect I was having on the people around me and believing I had a responsibility to do my best for them

The event in question was when I overheard a conversation between my girlfriend and one of my best friends when they didn’t realize I could hear them.

She was saying that while she loved me and loved that I was a strong person capable of great kindness and generosity sometimes I committed acts so mean that even she, not a girl known to spare a kind word if doing so would decrease her popularity at all, was taken aback. She said she would just laugh along with the group but that she honestly wondered about me and whether I was just working out some childhood trauma or something.

To which my friend replied: “Nope, that’s not what is happening at all, don’t you get it? Don’t you see? He is the eight hundred pound silverback in a jungle full of tiny monkeys. He just does whatever he wants to whoever he wants because who is going to stop him? If there is a bigger dick in this entire world I’ve never met him, let’s just be happy we are his friends, right?”

At which point they shared a laugh.

OUCH, MY FEELINGS.

Many people have mocked me throughout my life, some quite viciously, but it has very rarely hurt me. This did. It split my heart in half like a guillotine through a watermelon. The honest assessment of my friend was said in a tone of gentle teasing but the truth of it cut deep and made me realize something: Even those closest to me were, on some level, AFRAID OF ME AND APPALLED BY MY BEHAVIOR.

Suddenly a lifetime of “pranks” and bullying suddenly seemed a lot less satisfying and I, ridiculously enough considering I was in no way being actively ostracized, felt like an outsider. I learned an important truth that day that has seemed to hold true throughout much of human history: That it is only funny until it happens to you.

My life since that day has been a study of the intricate social interplays that happen between people and a self journey to discover my place in this world and what, if anything, I can do to make it better.

A lot of people have pointed out that this is a weirdly mundane event to have caused a person to do a 180 but to that I reply that I am simply not a person who ever makes the same mistake twice if I can help it. If I am being stupid the most helpful thing you can do is tell me about it and offer me a compelling reason why. I’m one of those rare people who will not only listen but adjust my thinking and behavior in response.

So my last boyfriend, whom I loved dearly, lived his life in a way that I can only describe as “being half-way out of the closest.”

His current friends and coworkers knew his orientation but his family and the people he grew up with did not(supposedly, after interacting with them for a while I began to suspect it was widely known, just not talked about)

It didn’t seem to be that big a deal when we first started dating but as time went on it actually begun to become a serious problem.

Before we would visit his family he would get nervous, as he often did, biting his nails and becoming hyper critical of me and the fact that I might expose who he was to his family.

“You’re dressed too gay…” He told me once before going to hang out with them.

“Huh?” I responded. I was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re shirt is too tight.” He responded. “Can you change it before we leave?” He asked.

Ok, I did not that big a deal.

As time went on it got worse instead of better though. The most ridiculous fight we had happened like this:

Same scenario, we were going to hang out with his parents. He starts biting his nails.

“Ok what am I doing wrong?” I ask.

“You smell too nice.” He responds.

I give him the blankest stare I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life.

“Straight guys, they’re dirty, you know? You smell too nice.” He continues.

“Actually that is not really true, girls have a lot higher standards now then they did once. Lots of straight guys are clean and good smelling now.” I reply informatively.

“Mmmmm, no, I want you to do something about the way you smell before we leave, do something to smell dirty please.” He asked.

“Are you being serious right now?” I ask.

“Yes.” He replies.

So I took the kitchen waste basket and up ended it over my head and then, covered in coffee grounds and banana peels, shouted:

“THERE!!!! DO I SMELL ‘STRAIGHT’ ENOUGH TO YOU NOW????”

In the end what I realized after many long discussions with him that what the problem really was was not that his family thought there was something wrong with being gay but that he himself, on some level, thought there was something wrong with it.

You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who hates themselves. It is just impossible.

That was not what made me leave him in the end though, that occurred when one day he was doing his being critical thing and not even concealing it in a polite tone anymore and I was trying to be reasonable but after one particularly nasty comment had to physically remove myself from the situation when I found myself raising my hand with the desire to smack him across the mouth, which, considering the difference in size and strength between us, would prolly have broken his jaw.

If things get to the point where domestic abuse becomes a possibility you need to leave.

He had a really hard time with the break up but I needed to do it and we are on good terms now but I will never put myself into a situation like that again.

If you can’t love yourself or at least be ok with the person you are it doesn’t matter if someone else loves you, you will never be happy or have a happy relationship.

I was only recently introduced to PnP games but I have to say I am really enjoying them a lot. Maybe it’s just the enthusiasm of being a new gamer but right now I feel like I wouldn’t mind wasting my entire life playing Pathfinder until the end of time.

I’m in seven different games right now and will soon likely DM for the first time and am excited about it.

Gamers are not people I have traditionally hung out with but I really like them. They are intelligent and imaginative, two qualities I really appreciate and wish I had more of in my life.

They sometimes have their own social issues but it often seems to be approached in a funny way.

In one of the groups I’m in there are these two really smart guys that have been friends since kids that constantly fight and argue. It is really funny. They are usually pretty good about not derailing the game but sometimes they get stuck on a point and the whole thing breaks down.

After it happened at one point one of the girls in the group approached me and said: “I’m not trying to be weird but when they argue doesn’t it seem strangely like a lovers quarrel?”

To which I replied: “I wasn’t going to say anything but there does seem to be some sexual tension there, no joke.”

We giggled.

Last week as they were fighting for some reason they actually turned to me and asked how I think they should resolve their conflicts, to which I replied:

“Me? I think you guys should simply square root of four thousand seven hundred and sixty one and get it over with. See? Judging from the looks on your faces you understood that joke, you’re smart guys, you can figure out something.”

I really like gamers, high intelligence and explosive tempers all, I look forward to having a lot of fun with you guys in the future.