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Good catch sten, here's the updated story ability, which includes the normal maximum size of a storied object and a few other tweaks:
Story (Su) A storyteller can write so precisely that they can bring objects and creatures into being from nothing. The appearance of an object or creature created by a storyteller’s story is limited only by the storyteller’s preference - their creations can appear to be made of glowing force, to be naturally constructed or anywhere between or beyond - though to a keen eye their supernatural origin is obvious. Regardless of their superficial appearance, their statistics do not change, except as noted in any words used in the story.
1HD, Hp 10, AC 11, bab +1; attacks slam +1 (1d6); no good saves; base speed 30, medium size; any one skill at +4. It has the same type and subtypes as the storyteller.
Whether a storyteller brings to life a new creature or crafts an item with their story, a she can choose to add any of the words she knows to her story. Doing so requires a number of eloquence equal to the number of words included, plus additional eloquence as noted in the particular word.
Now with a more complete list of words:
Spell word: instead of a typical word, a storyteller can learn a wizard spell like it were a word. This spell must be of a spell level one third their storyteller level or less (minimum 0th level spells) and it can only be written as a phrase. Doing so requires a number of eloquence equal to three times the spell level (minimum 1).
Talented word: calling to mind great accomplishments of all kinds, this word represents the exemplars of particular talent.
Protection word: This word represents continued existence through sheer perseverance.
Life Word: This word represents the positive energy that flows through all living things.
Heat word: this word calls to mind every sort of heat, from the warmth of an embrace to the scorching sun of the desert.
Chill word: this word calls to mind chills of all sorts, from the freezing vaccuum of space to the eerie shiver of a cold shoulder.
Spark word: this word begets the very electric thrum that underlies all nature, from bolts of lightning, to the tiniest static spark..
Movement word: This word is movement itself, bringing to mind swift, sure movement and graceful sweeping motions.
Hold word: This word is still and unmoving, calling to mind stoic mountains and hardened metal.
Death word: This word represents the dark, negative energy that draws all souls to evil and destruction.
Weakness word: This word is the entropy that slowly degrades all things, and the destruction of all things.
Pervasive word: This word is all things, places and times at once.
Portal word: This word is a paradox, always in many places at once, and seeming to seep into the very fabric of the layers of reality.
Secret word: This word is invisible to the naked eye, and refers to everything hidden from sight or thought.
Revelation word: This word reveals all secrets, piercing through the darkness of shadow, illusion and deception alike.
Big word: This massive word refers to giants, towers, mountains - and even entire worlds.
Mundane Word Surprisingly plain, this word seems almost like a mundane word in a common language, its true power hidden from all but the most discerning eye.
Restricting Word This word is small, tight and constrained and tightly woven like tangled vines, or binding chains.
Figment word This word calls to mind all that isn’t real; every lie and illusion.
Sight word: This word plays on both light and darkness, shadows and how they reveal and hide.
Aqua word: This word calls to mind raging oceans, calm seas, and even the moist air after a rainfall.
Multiplicity word: This word is repetitive, almost to infinity, and refers to everything which there is multiple of.
I'll also point out that Neil's concern about 2d6 not being a threat to PCs is unfounded. coup de graces are automatic critical hit, and the guillotine has a x3 critical multiplier, so you're taking an average of 21 damage and making an instant death save against an average DC of 31. A Level 6 fighter with 18 Con (total bonus +9) would still need a natural 20 to pass that.
Sure, it needs plausibly four rounds (summon, grapple, pin, kill) to activate it so it probably will never happen, but... if the rest of the party is distracted? it can kill anything.
So really the problem is totally off in the other direction. If it hits a PC, they're dead. Hell, it could routinely kill a 20th level fighter with this ability. I mean, they probably can't grapple them, but still. It's a weird balance.
portable protective pedistal
Anyways, what it boils down to for me is that this is a "trinket" - a non-essential item that doesn't grant bonuses. Which probably means I wouldn't spend more than 1/4 my total WBL even considering it. Which means I'd be level 9 before I even thought about it. And at level 9, 3 hours/day of floating disk is not nearly enough when a single casting of the spell would last me 9 hours. Most of the rest of these effects could be replicated by other level 1 spells as well, like air bubble.
in conclusion - price and power don't really match up well. And, the effect is neat, but too close to the effect of a level 1 spell to be really 'wow'.
I mean, it's a cool idea: armor spikes that you don't need to have affixed to armor. And can be poisonous. The price point seems off, though. for 18,000 gp, I'd expect this to have about a +2 enhancement bonus, not a +1.
I think practicing writing sentences that flow together into a paragraph would help you a lot.
Thanks for the feedback! The bit about magical or living materials turned out to be a major overthink on my part - I should absolutely have just left it with earth and stone.
I'd like to stop in and point out that "It's been done before" is no reason not to vote for something. Otherwise, every abandoned temple, riverside cottage, huaunted castle, mad laboratory... well, you get the idea.
This idea has, apparently, been done before once. That's a pretty good track record as far as 'done befores', because most things you simple can't keep a list because they've been done before so many times.
Donald, that's so pretty!
Unfortunately, though, once I got over the dazzling floor design, I realized that this was, basically, a gigantic, empty room. I mean, I guess there's a ledge at one end, and two pillars, and some stairs... but that's it. The middle 90% of your map is empty space. Not so much as a bench for people to sit on, or use as cover, or.... or anything.
If this were re-done in black and white, it would quickly become visible that this is just a big, boring, empty space.
Kiel, I love the setting you've presented, but I'm not really impressed with the map. The vast, vast majority of it is occupied by empty space, showing the sea hundreds of feet below. That's fun dressing, but as it stands, less than 1/4 of your map is walkable space. Or maybe more if the PCs can walk on the clouds, somehow.
I really find myself wanting more... Map. Out of this map. Even if it were the scene for an aerial battle, everything that might become interesting is off to one side.
And what little map we do get is too full to make for any realy interesting fights. I mean, how did the cloud giants get around in there? They can barely fit.
Taylor, this map is beautiful. It really likens me back to older dnd modules, with the solid black and white lines. I think that really helps make it clear, too, which makes a big difference.
The surrounding areas are interesting and varied, and I really appreciate that not everything is square. I also appreciate how the buildings feel realistic, yet still fantastic. It really hits my sweet spot of suspending disbelief.
I really look forward to seeing what you do in future rounds.
Kiel Howell wrote:
AHHHH IT'S RONARS WHO WROTE THIS!!!
Hey Kiel, I'm glad I'm memorable. ;) I'm also really glad you liked my item.
The comma use (not sure if it's abuse yet) in the first sentence was a little jarring. Probably would have rewritten this to be a little less interjection-y.
Urgh, you discovered my weakness, commas! Seriously though, I need to try typing a week without using the comma key. My work absolutely suffers because I over-comma everything.
I really appreciate the feedback! I really need to stretch out the people I'm asking for advice from. One or two people can give me some good feedback, but we miss big things like how silly that line is about living material being a problem.
Props on the quick reply, too. :)
Here's my entry this year. Made it all the way through the final cull, but didn't break the top 100. Which is okay, as I only entered through a grey area in the rules, anyways - my third paizo credit just came out this week. I qualified when I entered, but not the day after the top 32 were released.
Any feedback would be welcome.
I have no idea how the pricing is, when related to the component spells - I based the price on the effect: it's similar to a scroll of dimension door.
Eric Morton wrote:
Okay, item, half-way through your description, I was convinced you were biting off more you could chew. But then you busted out that monster in the second half of your description to make it all work. Very clever.
I am convinced I just saw this item, and I have to agree - easily one of my favorites for this year.
Y'know for an item I'm 99% sure is a joke, I think I've voted for you every time you've come up for me. You're just so... really well written. I'm sorry to the community if that's a no-no, but honestly props to the writer.
There's nothing wrong with joke items at all - they're just not for every group, and thus prove less popular than non-joke items. If you found an awesome item that's silly or even gonzo, by all means vote for it!
The funny doors on room 14 are stable doors - like wide, wooden gates.
The 'X' and 'XX' doors are locked single and double doors, respectively.
Also, I don't see it on the map, but it's worth noting that the 'squares' are actually a whopping 15-ft.! This isn't some tiny fort with cramped hallways.
Anthony, I have the same feeling as you regarding too much Nar-Voth, but I have a slightly more specific complaint: too much Court of Ether. I don't have Into the Darklands myself, but is it the only named place in Nar-Voth? It's literally part of a tunnel system that travels beneath nearly all of Golarion!
EDIT: found a map online, and it's not! I see eleven other locations on the map alone whose names I didn't see four or five times each round.
Maybe it gets the most detail, or it was just unlucky enough that so many people picked it. Whatever the cause, I know I was much more enamoured with, in both rounds, the people who didn't tie into the Court of Ether over and over again.
People could have made creatures with hellish influences in Krva, or described something from beneath Osiron around Bloodcleft. But instead it ended up being the same thing over and over again.
It really did fatigue me for the setting.
Teal: the vast majority of existing maps on Golarion are for locations discussed in the APs or other adventures. After all, that's where they need to be to get used.
I recommend taking a look at a Golarion world map, and seeing if any country or area catches your eye, then see if anything's been done for it. Even though they're coming up on 100 AP modules, that's what - maybe 500 maps? 500 maps *might* cover every area of importance of my town and a few miles in all directions.
@ thrashling and the manservant mannequin - Thinking on it more, I think you could have fixed the 'kidnapping' loophole by making someone attune to the mannequin, instead of just strapping clothing to it, and then only the attuned creature can activate it. Using a term like attuning is so much better than using non-game terms like 'owner' or 'person who says the command word'.
...okay, that's page 1 done. I'll see what I can do about page 2 once I get a little more of my normal work done. ;)
As many of you can probably tell, I simply did not have time this last, very busy year to hold up my promise of reviewing all items in the blazing 9 thread. My apologies. The least I can do is come in here and offer some reviews of these right? Even if they're shorter than I might otherwise want. Here goes:
... wow, and here I thought I could make a dent in 300-some items.
Hopefully, I'll be able to do some more later: Donald Robinson, you're next. ;)
A lot of mixed emotions about this encounter, wow. I agree, you didn't do a terribly good job of representing the location that this encounter is tied to - but you did do a pretty good job of designing the encounter itself. That counts for a lot. And, as the fifth encounter I've read you're also the first to actually make the trap (is it really a trap it the only activation is manual?) and the monster actually tie together. I was really hoping for more of that.
And, hionestly, I like how you took a non-evil sort of creature and made it a good antagonist, though the comments above about PCs practically being forced to defeat them do apply - A monster attacks you, so you kill it. That's how the game works 99% of the time.
Maurice, I can see a lot of love/hate for this monster in the thread, and I agree. With all of it.
I love the idea of a creepy headless creature with giant leeches for arms. I hate how it's description can't decide if it wants to eat souls or blood.
I love how it feels unique, and does stuff I haven;t seen before. I hate how as a CR3 monster, it could potentially do both Con damage and Cha drain.
Actually, I really hate that. As has been mentioned, it takes the party out of comission for a few days. But actually, because it does DRAIN, it cannot be restored until the party has 4th level spells - which means 7th level characters. Or, I suppose you could pay for it, along with the expensive material components!
And that's the killer. Ability Drain cannot be healed (easily) before 7th level, so it shouldn't be dealt with regularity (such as potentially every round) until that level. That is a major flaw in the design work.
unfortunately, as others have mentioned, I don't think you quite made a superstar entry this round. There are a few reasons that I can see why:
I can't get a clear idea of what it looks like. You say 'monkey-faced' and 'whip-like arms', and it's a Small monstrous humanoid, but... that's it. You did an awful job describing what the creature physically is, which makes it hard to envision the monster at all.
You also tried to add monkey-creatures to places where they really stand out. Which is a pity, because these would have fit in great in the Mwangi Expanse, or especially Arcadia (which is the Golarion analogue to where your myth originates). So, it felt disjointed.
Lastly, your big superstar ability was stick-throwing. Not exactly an exciting option. Sure, I'm positive there are GMs who can find places and ways to make it interesting, but unlike a truly superstar encounter, it doesn't start there.
Michael, I think you hit a hard target here: an interesting ooze. It may have some small flaws, but you did pretty well with your idea and execution, so that's impressive.
I like Numerian monsters, and while 'cocktails' aren't somethign that fits a lot of adventures, seeing as these only exist in the same country you're likely to encounter robots and ray guns... I'll say it's pretty much spot on for where you chose it. Anywhere else in Golarion, not so much - a near hit.
Requiring the an underused mechanic for a monster like this is... risky. And that part I don't like as much. Especially because it's also not the straight up addicition rules, it's slightly different.
I like the abilities you have - glob, stench, fluid drain... but given your initial description, I would have also loved if it had some sort of hide bonus while in water. I mean, it makes total sense for a translucent ooze that lives in a river.
I love, love this archetype. Maybe it's because I'm playing an underwater adventure right now, maybe it just feels well balanced (though losing both swift and instant alchemy is sad), but I like the flavor, I like the salt bombs, I like the evolution up to gaining swim speed replacing poison resistance too - that's really clever.
Best of luck in this and future rounds!
Sorry, but I didn't like this archetype. Mechanical issues themselves aside, the biggest and first thing that turned me off was how the flavor and the mechanics seemed to work cross-purposes:
Personally, those are the only things I would consider natural to the river kingdoms. So a guardian against internal threats, maybe, but a guardian of the land? Not with bonuses versus animals, plants and fey. I know they can be the occasional threat, but it feels... wrong.
There are other concerns, too, like the total loss of most class abilities when more than a few miles from home, but they've been pretty well covered already.
Good luck in this round, and the next if you make it!
While something like "water lily" versus "waterlily" is a pretty mild and probably stylistic choice, it does serve as a reminder for everyone - check your work! If possible, get both a native US speaker and a non-native speaker to check it. Sometimes you'll introduce strange spelling without even knowing it.
Personally, I'm always impressed by non-US contributors getting everything correct with US spelling. English is a ridiculous language.
Unfortunately, I really don't like your item, and there's a number of reasons. Slight formatting errors, and burying the lead, and also that this item is almost a combination of every girdle mentioned in the "How to be a superstar - design a girdle" thread from a few years ago. Perhaps it's parallel development, but I've seen like, ten girdles that do almost everything here, so it feels very uncreative.
And also, I really don't like the "grappled about the body" description, because that's not a game rule. In fact, I would never assume a PC is just grappled about the body. After all, being grappled means you don't have both arms free (you can never use two-handed weapons), so by being too specific you basically negate your item's real star ability.
Without that, this is a cloak that gives you compression and a few snake traits, all of which have been done before.
I look forward to seeing more creativity from you next round.