Rajneesh Zimmerman, MegaPope's page

Tch. Look at this, an abandoned temple! This will not do. Time for a little gentrification! OH MINIONS!

Calls in a team of Church and Munch™ Combat Engineers. Puts them to use scrubbing the floors and setting up a drive thru. Guides them in putting up advertising billboard:

You deserve absolution today! It's not just food for the soul, it's Church and Munch™!

Begins hiring local peasants to man the counters and rounds up local monsters for 'processing' (with ketchup)

SAC. RIL. EGE!

Look at you all. Eating unclean non soy-enhanced meats, ogling young women when they should be modestly dressed in franchise polyester uniforms, drinking transubstantiated Rum and Holy Waters!

AUUUUUGH!

That's it. I'm calling in my MechaCrusader Division from Golgotha III and tacnuking the Trader Joe out of this place!

Retreats to a corner and surrounds himself with burly scowling cyborgs sporting blasters and medieval pikes. Jabbers loudly into a communicator

inhales horrified

SACRILEGE! That was no mere soda pop you polluted with your vile fermented sugar cane! That was the blood of our Lord Jeeze Whiz!

Looks around for his Swiss Cheese Guards

Spiced rum? Why only Cathars and pizza deliverers drink spiced rum! Try some Church and Munch™ Carmel Carbonated Holy Water!™ Made from the holy spring of Quabbin, with a sacred zing of caramel sugar! The secret's in the transubstination!

RIGHT. I can see all sorts of heretical acts against nature and The Lord Jeeze Whiz are being perpetrated in this cult thread. You will all report to the nearest Church and Munch™ franchise chapel for our special Inquisition and Double Bacon Explosion Thursday™!

That is all.

Lots of blasphemous stuff

Retro me Tribthanas!

Sprinkles Church and Munch™ Supersized Carmel Carbonated Holy Water™ on the demonic apparition.

Glares about

"I see a lot of heretics that should be getting a late night snack and some sorely-needed absolution at the Church and Munch™ Open All-Night Drive Thru Confessional™."

Taps one of his blue-suede-and-rhinestone shoes on the floor impatiently

I look forward to sending my Legion of Sacred Jihadist Frycooks forward into your lands to rape, burn and pillage while saving you from your pernicious heresy. Thank you for worshiping at Church and Munch™! Please come again, or we will tie you to a pile of wood and burn your apostate @ss!

Dear ask a Shoanti,

I am putting together a holy Crusade against the heretics at Burgermills and I just realized that my Sacred Warriors are a bit understaffed after my last holy Crusade against the McManicheans. I was wondering if Shoanti ever hire out as paid mercenaries?

Sincerely,

Rajneesh 'Big Stevie' Zimmerman, MegaPope and CEO of Church and Munch™ LLC

This place needs a looney bin.

I think an exorcism would be more appropriate.

Rummages in a belt pouch for his Church and Munch™ Happy Communion Meal Exorcism Playset™.

Do you need a clerical presence?

feh

they use the Holy Spankh™

13. True Word of the Lord Cheezus

(I don't know guys... this one sounds kinda wierd... whatever, anything exists in Paizoland.)

Actually it is the One True and Apostolic Church of The Reformed Two All Beef Patties Special Sauce Lettuce Cheese Pickles Onions on a Sesame Seed Bun™ . That was too hard for the parishoners to remember, so in Our mercy We have shortened it to Church and Munch™

My flock, do not turn to false prophets! Only the True Word of the Lord Cheezus can bring you into salvation and fill you stomach with a 3.99 Savior Meal™!

Cast off your slavish devotion to poodles, smurfs, and ugly ponies and come to you local Church and Munch™ today! Wednesdays we have a two-for-one special on tickets to to our Smite the Heretic™ Family Funpark on our corporate planet of New Vatican!

Lo, do not weep for the kobold's passing. For it is written, that those who believe in Garl Glittergold shall be cherished forever in the Golden Hills. And though he was just a sniveling weaselly reptillian ratlike humanoid NPC mook, he will be missed.

Heretic Choir

fries!

All praise the mighty tater! In its proper french fried form of course. Curly fries are heretical. Tater tots are RIGHT OUT! Only a Zoroastrian could eat squishy steak fries.

Sarge, that you? What's all this talk about heresy?

I thought we're fighting Zs.

All in due time my son, all in due time

I don't like heretics. That being said, I don't dislike anyone who choses to be a heretic. I have a unique point of view that most of you can't yet appreciate.
I have been pontificating for nearly 30 years, and in that time, I have spent well in excess of $20,000,000,000 of tithes on excessive monuments to my own greatness.
Why?
Because I love myself, and in the early years, everyone was releasing their own scriptures. It was a brave new world in 50 AD, and no one, not even almighty Junior and the Spook, knew what they were doing. Perhaps only Paul had some idea where things had to go.
He released his letters, which was a New Testament
Along the same track were the gnostic boys, who released Demiurge! But I don't think they realized they had made a heretical religion until a few years later. Then they jumped on it too.
The point is, having one church that could dominate many, if not all, churches was a boon to everyone. Priests could sell tons of sacriments, but poor people could still worship because they could afford 10% titihing, which was all you needed. But there was a hidden benefit. People who didn't have a huge interest in worship, but still wanted to worship, could learn ONE (1) True Faith, and still feel involved. I have known scores of people who quit religion because they could not keep up. Bad!
So why the History Lesson? I'll tell you.
Heresy hurts the Fast Faith industry because
1) people have to spend more money, and some of them CAN'T afford it, even if we want them to. And we're talking a minimum of 20% tithing here, just to get going.
2) the One True Faith works, at it's core. The heretics is re-inventing the wheel. There was no need for a new religion, just a revision, which is what Church and Munch, Meatopocalypse™ is.
3)Heresy means I have to teach my acolytes a whole new mess of devotions and concepts, and I will lose at least 1 worshipper's interest if I do that. So I won't.

Heresy is where the heretics and I part ways, and my entire congregation agrees with me.
I hope this heresy fails, not because I hate heresy itself, but because I LOVE God, and I feel this heresy hurts him personally.
Also, on a personal note, this heresy feels like the worst parts of Zoroastrianism and snake worship. We refer to it as "A burnable offesnse against God." Everything is oversimplified, and the pontiff doesn't have nearly the flexibility to control the masses like he wants. Bad!
Without Malice, I Await Your Responses!

DEATH TO THE HERETICS!

And don't flame me, because I'm protected by The Big Guy.

Praise the Tater!

Amen my son, amen. Did I mention we have a wonderful Undead Recriuting program? We at Church and Munch™ are dedicated to diversity hiring, and we have found that the undead are a singularly dedicated workforce. We offer incentives like a monthly Convicted Heretic human chase and brain picnic. Think about it, I have a Shift Deacon position opening in this area. Oh, and there are lot of homeless people that hang around here ... just saying.

Fries are the holy side dish. Yea it was spoken unto me, serve the Sacred Cow Burger with fries and a sugary carbonated beverage at a combination price and thou shalt multiply your worshippers a thousand fold. And yea, it was done, and the ranks of worshippers did swell, both in numbers and girth, and the Church and Munch™ became the One True Restaurant.

The Kentucky Fried Cathars™ were put to the slicer, their temples cast down and remodeled. The Taco Bogomils™ were scattered, yea their workers were rehired at lesser pay in our fry pits. The Burger Gnostics™ are now no more than a footnote in our menu scrolls. The less we speak of McManichean's™ the better.

Woe unto the heretics, for the Council of Bakersfield did proclaim that Church and Munch™ is the One True Fast Faith.

But what came first, the potatoe or the fry? And if so do tatter tots fit into the holy scriptures.

Do not mention the heresy of tater tots! The Cathars ate tater tots and WE EXTERMINATED THEM! DEATH DEATH DEA... err umm ahem.

My son, it is better not to ask too many questions. Rather, trust that I have your best interests at heart and stick to slicing up those tomatoes for me.

...

LOL! You just won me over to your cause. Do I get fries with that too?

Of course my son. Happy are those who come to my drive thru.

All your arguments and doubts can be solved by reading the Good Book.

Hands over the Church and Munch™ franchise training manual.

As soon as you acknowlege me as the supreme voice of divinity we can move forward to your vocational training at the Holy Station of the Grill.

Repeat after me:

Fries were made
Fries were eaten
Fries shall come again

Do this for three hours straight and you will come to see the beauty of obeying ME.

As a vegetarian, I am impervious to your drive-through inquisition techniques! I can walk on the fry grease as if it were land! Behold the Me and give thanks.

HERETIC! VEGAN! TOFU EATER! Prepare the Cruciflex™ for this sinner my Inquisitor minions. Bread his hippy carcass and dip him in 400 degree canola oil until toasty brown and glistening!

I swam in the ocean, had an ecstatic moment, and the next thing you knew... the rest of you were born. I never bring it up because I'm not looking for weekend custody. My house isn't big enough.

You tread close to heresy sir. I must warn you that my Inquisitors stand ready to submit you to the auto-da-fry unless you recant and do pennance at the drive thru window of confession.

Retro me Sathanas!

Sprinkles Diet Lemon-Lime Holy Water™ on the imp.

I live on the Sacred planet of New Vatican. I believe you are talking to the monkey, he lives in a little burg called Sandwich (ironic since many of his family have been deep fried in my Church N' Munch franchises during our wildly successful 'Monkey Business Burger™' promotion)

As I am the MegaPope™, it is impossible for me to be wrong, ergo, if you disagree with me you are. Sorry, but when Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook made me MegaPope™ it came with a big side order of infallability. Don't make me summon my Holy Inquisitiors and go all medieval on your heiny.

This thread is getting entirely too silly.

Now knock it off!

Calls down a storm of Vatican magic upon the pranksters