Mah Aunt Esmarelda's page

I know you, crone, and where your 'heart' is hidden. Keep from things which do not concern you if you do not wish for a fate far worse than that of the nephew whom you mourn.

He struck me down, and made me so much more, with the passage of time, than he could have possibly imagined.
With his fall I am loosed.
If you cross my path again in a place of my liking, you will be the worse for it.
With the muffled ring of antique armour on the forest floor, and a lingering promise of winter perhaps to come, the awful shade is gone.

"Not so fast! I ain't an epic level cleric to let ya get away!"

Esmeralda weaves mighty magics, and calls on the power of the Board to bind the wraith.
Suddenly, she hears a cry for help, and sighs.
DAMMIT! I gotta go.
She disappears.

Suddenly, an aged kobold priestess appears. She glares at the Wraith Lord, her false accent finally gone.
"So. You're the backlash. You killed a man back there, creature of shadow. You are not welcome. Not here, not anywhere. Begone back to your foul home. Begone back to the shadows."

Smiles at the matronly kobold

Thank you Esmarelda. TW, if you want to be nice, I'm sure there'll be plenty of spilled soda and alcohol later to sip on. Miss Esmerelda, can I offer you some refreshments?

Nah, Ah don't have any tahm. Thenks anyways, deary.

*Teleports out*

Wael, Ah did tell ya that if ya wen' an' attacked thahm wahsps ahnlay bahd thangs could 'appen. Mass True Resurrection!
*All the wasps, including Minerva and Thieving Wasp, are brought back to life*
There. Now, all o' ya, watch it! Ah don' wanna have ta cast thet spael twahs.

*Teleports in*
Wael, ain't this a nahs plahs?
*Settles down*

*Flies in*
Hmm. Dis ain't good. Mah neaphew's gonnna dah fer REAL if dis keeps up.

There goes our dock... good thing we are anphibians and don't really need it...

*throws the enhanced net and traps KC to waith 'til the caffeine wears off*

Hmm. Ah'm here. Remove Caffeine!

*Leaves*

Overwhelmed by an alien power Jack Hammer throws up Viking Kitten and giant eagle parts

Don't kobold clerics usually wear robes?!

Jack Hammer rushes back to the Jack Den to wash his eyes out and have his memory altered

The priestess puts her robees back on.

Wale, dat work'd wale. Meneged ta get ridda 'im wit nah casultees.

Mah Aunt Esmarelda wrote:

Jack's Right Hand Man wrote:

Jackin' Ape wrote:

With a deftness that could hardly be believed with such a large hand, the ape fetches the precious cookbook from his unholy hands and carefully places it back on the top shelf of his kitchen. With the other hand, he then pulls the zombie out of the kitchen and into the morning room. He proceeds to fully jack him up, gorilla-style. Smears color the walls as he moves in a whirlwind of rage. Body parts and decaying gore splatter the room's fine furnishings.

With a bone-rattling roar, he springs to the shattered window ledge, where the bench seat has shattered under his massive bulk, and hurls the zombie's skull at the sun.

Looks like that will be the end of that zombie. That was a Texas sized @$$ whoopin' right there.

Hmm. Well, mah oath don't extend to da undead.

Now ta go resurrect dem kittens dat was kill'd in da battle, an' da wasp...tahm ta put an end ta all dis foolishness.

I don't know...true Vikings might not enjoy being brought back...

Mahbe, but Ah could care leass. It's mah duty ta protect all livin' critters o' da Board, and Ah'm gonna do that.

Suddenly, an elderly female kobold walks in. On her chest is a symbol of The Great Boardhealer, goddess of the protection of all living creatures of the Board. She frowns at the scene of dead kittens, eagles, and wasps.
Wale, dat won' do at all. Mass True Resurrection!
The Thieving Wasp and the kittens and eagles are all restored to life, even the ones taken by the Jacks for food. The cleric nods curtly.
There we are. All's raht in da world once mer.
The kobold turns to glare at everyone.
Now, no more o' dat, or Ah'll have ta send ya all ta yer homes fer a week!

Jackin' Ape wrote:

With a deftness that could hardly be believed with such a large hand, the ape fetches the precious cookbook from his unholy hands and carefully places it back on the top shelf of his kitchen. With the other hand, he then pulls the zombie out of the kitchen and into the morning room. He proceeds to fully jack him up, gorilla-style. Smears color the walls as he moves in a whirlwind of rage. Body parts and decaying gore splatter the room's fine furnishings.

With a bone-rattling roar, he springs to the shattered window ledge, where the bench seat has shattered under his massive bulk, and hurls the zombie's skull at the sun.

Looks like that will be the end of that zombie. That was a Texas sized @$$ whoopin' right there.

Hmm. Well, mah oath don't extend to da undead.

Now ta go resurrect dem kittens dat was kill'd in da battle, an' da wasp...tahm ta put an end ta all dis foolishness.

In the giant primordial forest on the Jack estate, Jackin Ape pauses, midbranch. He sniffs the air. Something is wrong in the club house. He quickly does a one-handed turn and begins swinging his way back to the house. He grows in size and savageness as he approaches the house. By the time he arrives, the only portal large enough for him is the giant bay window of the morning room. The ape smashes through the window, howling with rage rather than pain: for he has scented zombie, and among his long list of bitter hatreds, the undead have a place. Smash he must. Smash he will.

Jackin Ape destroyed the peasant, with a destruction that reaches across worlds. Post-count be damned!

Oh dear. Ah bettar fix up thet peasant.

True Resurrection!

Hoots at demented, senile aunt who is trying to speak through a mouth full of snake. Continues "escorting" unwelcome guests off the premises, Jackin' Ape style.

Ah'm not tha one who's senile! Ask any o' yer friends! They saw Diswiker leave!

Now get yer 'hands off me! *Slaps ape*

*Pulls diswiker from his head fur, continues the hooting laughter that was mistaken for pain, and hurls the re-plumped snake at the aunt so that it wraps around her face and gags her mouth. Chases ijits off the premises*

WOO-OOO!

Well, Ah nevah! Sorry Mr. Monkey, Diswiker already leaft! AN' even if 'e 'adn't, wrappin' 'im 'round mah face would be a big mistake. You ain't a Jack, if'n Ah wanted Ah could grind you into a sticky paste with a Cure Laht Wounds. Now leave me 'lone, Ah was helpin' ya.

Oh mah. Wherever mah troublemakin' nephew goes, trouble follows.
*Walks in*
*Taps the ape* Cure diswiking. *The pain fades*
Sorry, fellas! Ya got on tha' wrong end of that one Diswiker guy! He's really a nice critter at hart!

Hey, after you're done eatin' 'im, can I have some part o' 'im? I don' wanna hav ta cast True Resurrection.
How 'bout a steak?

Well, ain't that funny! We visit for a day, and we get to see a SAOTG!
*Draws repeating rivebow and starts shooting*

Now, look here KC....we don't need you telling us whether it's okay to cheat on each other with the high priest of Kurtlemak....

Mah Cousin Joe wrote:

Jack's Right Hand Man wrote:

Kobold Cleaver wrote:

The Masked Rogue wrote:

*Sets up convenietly placed table.*

"Alright folks, there's another brawl in the boards, and you know what that means. Place your bets here. The Knight and Plant are equally matched, with the Kobold in a distant third, for his lack of witty reparte. Place your bets, place your bets!"

Yeesh, I go to the bathroom for a few minutes and when I come back, people are already insulting me.

However, I don't have the time to fight for my stupid cousin. He'll have to fend for himself. At least LastKnight won't have to change the name.
Bye, all!

BOOOOOOOOO!

Uh-oh....tough crowd.

Um, a kobold, a knight, and a tree walk into a bar...

Come on, Joe. What would Aunt Esmeralda say?

Ah'd say dat ya need ta stop critissahsin' mah poor darlin' nephew.